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The New Year’s eve this year had been anything but joyous and nothing to make one hopeful about the future, but Jiang Yuelou had gritted his teeth and followed the insane plan Chen Yuzhi and Chu Ran had made when they thought he had died.
Would things have been different if I had returned sooner? Would things have been different if I had been more mindful?
Jiang Yuelou often asked himself these questions. Maybe Chu Ran would still be alive today, maybe Chen Yuzhi would not have spent the Lantern Festival on the operating table. Maybe he wouldn't be in a coma now. Maybe Keying would not have shed tears on that special day.
He blamed himself incredibly. If Keying and Chen Yuzhi had not been here, two people he had sworn to protect with everything, even his life if necessary, most likely the barrel of his gun would have found its way to his temple long ago.
Sun Yongren was dead because he, Jiang Yuelou, had been tricked.
Song Rong was dead because he fell victim to this vicious plan his own mother had come up with, not noticing that everything had been orchestrated by Zhan Junbai.
His mother was dead because, despite everything, she had wanted to protect him.
His adoptive father was dead because he could not bear the betrayal he had committed against him.
Chu Ran and Yu Tangchun were dead because they thought completing his rotten plan was more important than their own lives.
Even Zhao Moqing and Chu Min had died in the end because he, Jiang Yuelou, had fought so doggedly against Zhan Junbai.
Perhaps he had not directly caused all of this, but it had been his decisions and actions, every step he had taken, that had led to this outcome. Without him, things would not have turned out the way they did. Even if he had only wanted good, had the sacrifices been worth it?
Jiang Yuelou tended to answer this question with a "no".
One sacrifice, however, had been so great, he could not justify it with anything.
Chen Yuzhi. Nothing was worth trading his life for.
His pale, lifeless face, in the soft pillows of the hospital bed, tore at his heart, as did Keying's tears and her eyes, in which there was less hope every day. Too many days had passed since Zhan Junbai's bullet had injured Chen Yuzhi so severely.
What was he to do if he could never again look into his big, dark brown doe eyes? If he never again got to see that enchanting smile and those dimples that made his mind go blank a little more every time they appeared on this handsome face? If he would never be able to feel his warmth again? How should he go on without all that?
Jiang Yuelou was desperate. He had only been similarly desperate once in his life. Back then, on his eleventh birthday, when the bowl of steaming longevity noodles was on the table. A last farewell present before his mother had left him for good.
His family had been torn apart, and over the next thirteen years he had come to believe that he would never have one again. Bai Jinbo and his first wife had given him a home, but he had been too traumatized. They could not heal his wounds completely.
And suddenly the adult Chen Yuzhi had stumbled into his life, a man so gentle, so quiet and warm-hearted and at the same time strong, compassionate and unwavering in his convictions. Jiang Yuelou could not help but be fascinated by him, could not help but fall for him. Maybe it all had already started with their brief encounter, years ago, when he was just a lost child but Chen Yuzhi took care of him, despite his ragged appearance und lousy behavior. With Chen Yuzhi had something come back that Jiang Yuelou most needed in his life, but had not thought possible.
Family.
Now this family was also in danger of being torn apart, of slipping away from him like sand inexorably trickling through his fingers until there was nothing left of it. This irony, that he might lose this when he had not even told him how important he was to him, constricted Jiang Yuelou's chest, suffocated him.
Aimlessly, he wandered through the days since the 15th. Had it not been for Keying, he might have gone insane. She helped him stay at least a little grounded. She needed him as much as he needed her.
He hadn't had the heart to send her to school. He didn't know how much time they had left. If Chen Yuzhi couldn't make it, she should at least have the opportunity to spend as much time with him as possible.
Every night, after one of the nurses had told him for the umpteenth time that visiting hours were over and he had to go, the claw that held his heart tightly squeezed it a little more firmly. What if something happened while he wasn't there? But could he bear to be by his side when he took his last breath? Jiang Yuelou could not answer this question.
He only knew that Chen Yuzhi’s last breath would kill an important part of himself as well. The part that he himself had allowed to be happy in those few months that he had been able to spend with him. And Jiang Yuelou came to cherish this part of himself so much because he cherished this man so much.
Sometimes Keying had fallen asleep and he would gently wake her to tell her they had to go home. He could see it in her eyes, the same conflict he felt. She didn't want to leave, but she didn't want her last memory of her brother to be him dying.
Keying had moved in with him temporarily. Neither of them wanted to be alone during those dark days, so the decision was quickly made. They talked little on the way home, and when they did, Jiang Yuelou let Keying tell him about her life with her brother. It was good for her to talk about him, Jiang Yuelou could tell. Sometimes she even smiled a little when she talked about Chen Yuzhi. Sometimes Jiang Yuelou smiled, too.
Today he was sitting at Chen Yuzhi's sickbed again. Keying had stayed at home. She had had a slight fever and headache in the morning and had decided that it was better to stay in bed and rest. Jiang Yuelou wanted to stay with her, but with a,
"Yue-ge, I'm old enough to take care of myself and it's not that bad," she sent him away.
She seemed to sense how important Chen Yuzhi was to him.
Most of the time, Jiang Yuelou just sat there holding Chen Yuzhi's hand, sometimes stroking it. It was hard for him to look at the doctor's face. His youthful features looked so fragile and vulnerable. His skin so pale that it seemed almost transparent. Jiang Yuelou could hardly bear to see him like this. He missed the liveliness, warmth, and joy that Chen Yuzhi had radiated most of the time. None of that was here anymore. If he was completely honest with himself, his friend looked more dead than alive.
Slowly, he brought Chen Yuzhi‘s motionless hand to his mouth, kissed it, and let his lips linger on it for some time. A single tear escaped from under his closed eyelid and rolled down his cheek.
He was so exhausted. The waiting and the uncertainty were sapping his strength. Without realizing it, he had dozed off.
Something woke him up. Sleepily, he blinked.
Hand. My hand.
In disbelief, he looked at his hand, the one that was holding Chen Yuzhi's. For a moment he thought he had imagined it and was about to sink back into that gloomy mood Chen Yuzhi's absence caused, but then he saw it. It was moving. Chen Yuzhi's hand. Only very slightly and it could have easily been missed, but Jiang Yuelou saw it and he felt it very clearly. His skin tingled a bit where Chen Yuzhi touched him.
He took a few deep breaths in and out. Fear overcame him.
I’m dreaming.
But it all felt so real, not like a dream. Slowly he raised his head and then he saw them, those beautiful eyes and those dimples.
"Yuzhi..."
It was just a whisper, because that was all he was capable of. His scalp tingled and he felt like he was electrified. His body and mind were having trouble to catch up with reality.
"You're awake."
His voice seemed to fail at any moment. Chen Yuzhi gave him another one of his breathtaking smiles. He looked weak, which was not surprising, but he looked so alive despite the fact that his face was still far too pale.
Jiang Yuelou needed to feel more of him than just his hand. He had to make sure he wasn't dreaming or hallucinating after all. He got up and sat on the bed next to Chen Yuzhi. He had to use some willpower not to just hug the doctor and pull him close. He had to be careful, after all, he was injured. Chen Yuzhi was in pain, a bit below his heart.
Very lightly Jiang Yuelou touched his chest and Chen Yuzhi assured him that it didn't hurt there. Jiang Yuelou was too distracted by the fact that he was awake so he missed the slight blush on the other’s cheeks while his hand was lying on his chest.
Still cautious, but inwardly very impatient, he hugged him, nestled his cheek on Chen Yuzhi's and ran his hand through his hair.
He’s alive.
Jiang Yuelou's heart leapt as this thought flashed through his mind. He could not suppress the sobs, the relief was simply too overwhelming and everything that had accumulated in him over the past days, weighing on his heart and soul, came crashing down.
"Hey, Yuelou. What's wrong?" Chen Yuzhi’s still weak voice could be heard.
Jiang Yuelou could hardly believe it, but even though Chen Yuzhi had just opened his eyes, he was already starting to take care of him again. He almost got a little angry that he never thought about himself first, but that feeling faded away a second later.
He straightened up and turned his head away so Chen Yuzhi couldn't see his tears. He was embarrassed, so he tried to hide them from Chen Yuzhi.
"Yuelou?" Chen Yuzhi asked again, and Jiang Yuelou knew he couldn't deny him an answer.
"I thought you were dead," he said softly, but still couldn't muster the courage to look at Chen Yuzhi.
"But I'm not."
Chen Yuzhi seemed to know exactly how Jiang Yuelou felt and what words to say to him.
Tears were still streaming down Jiang Yuelou's cheeks, but what overwhelmed him now was something else. Happiness, the certainty that Chen Yuzhi was alive, that he didn't have to spend his future alone, well, he had to find the right moment to make Chen Yuzhi realize how much he meant to him, but that was beside the point right now.
Jiang Yuelou turned his head back to Chen Yuzhi, he didn't care about his tears any longer, and there it was again, that smile, adorned with his irresistible dimples. Slowly, as if some part of him still hadn't fully grasped that Chen Yuzhi was conscious, he reached out and cupped Chen Yuzhi's cheek.
"No, you're not."
Despite the tears, Jiang Yuelou's smile and the expression in his eyes consisted entirely of affection and joy. When Chen Yuzhi closed his eyes and leaned his head into his touch, Jiang Yuelou had to take a very deep breath. The tingling in his stomach at the obvious affection Chen Yuzhi was showing him, how much he seemed to enjoy his touch... it was almost a little too much.
In that intimate moment, Jiang Yuelou told him in a soft voice what had happened in the last few days, how narrowly he had escaped death, and he was not afraid to show Chen Yuzhi how deeply it had touched him, how desperate he had been, but also how happy he was now.
The doctor came and examined Chen Yuzhi. Everything seemed fine so far, but for a few more days he had to stay in the hospital, for observation. He proved more than once that doctors make the worst patients, but he complied with the doctor's orders after both Keying and Jiang Yuelou had looked at him reproachfully.
Then came the day when Chen Yuzhi was finally allowed to go home. Jiang Yuelou could not hide his joy at him being well, at him finally being back on Shou Xi Road, and Xiao Bai seemed to have missed him terribly as well. The whole day the cat did not leave his side, and once or twice he almost made Chen Yuzhi stumble over him.
For dinner, the three of them finally sat at the table again, together. Chen Yuzhi, however, felt that his and Jiang Yuelou's portions were conspicuously small. When they finished eating, Chen Yuzhi still felt a slight hunger.
As if he had sensed it, Jiang Yuelou asked with a telltale grin,
"So, are you full?"
Chen Yuzhi became skeptical. He knew his friend well enough, knew that he was up to something.
"I don't really want to complain, but the meal was quite small."
"The wonton stand is still open," Keying remarked, as she was already clearing the table.
Chen Yuzhi was not unaware of the conspiratorial look the two exchanged.
"You two have cooked up something," he muttered.
"Nonsense, now come along," Jiang Yuelou said, standing up and gesturing for him to follow.
"What about you, Keying?"
"Don't worry, Ge, I've eaten enough. You guys go on your own, I'll take care of the dishes."
"Now come on Chen Yuzhi," Jiang Yuelou nagged, taking his hand to pull him outside behind him.
He barely gave him enough time to put on his shoes.
Aunt Luo greeted them with a smile and pointed to one of the empty tables.
"Sit down, I'll be right with you."
She too exchanged a suspicious glance with Jiang Yuelou.
"I'm starting to get the impression that you're all conspiring against me," Chen Yuzhi said, sounding a tiny bit displeased.
"Now don't pout, Chen Yuzhi, sit down."
Chen Yuzhi took a seat and Jiang Yuelou slid a little closer to him on the bench where he himself was sitting. Their elbows touched as the policeman leaned toward him and whispered softly in his ear.
"Do me a favor, Chen Yuzhi."
"What is it?" Chen Yuzhi asked, wondering why he himself was also whispering.
"Close your eyes until Aunt Luo gets back here."
"Why, Yuelou?“
"Please.“
"But it makes me feel silly."
Jiang Yuelou seemed to think for a moment. Then he lifted his gaze and looked Chen Yuzhi in the eyes.
"Okay, then you have to look at me until then."
Chen Yuzhi's cheeks got a slight flush.
"That... I... Yuelou, why?"
Jiang Yuelou was getting a little impatient.
"Chen Yuzhi, now don't make it so difficult for me."
"But..."
"Fine, if you don't play along, I'll take this into my own hands."
A second later, he had covered Chen Yuzhi's eyes with his hand.
"Jiang Yue-"
"Shh, now. You had your chance."
Chen Yuzhi could no longer object Jiang Yuelou, even if he felt silly and embarrassed. He knew it was useless, after all, he knew how stubborn Jiang Yuelou could be. He didn't have to wait for long after all.
About two minutes later, he heard footsteps.
Probably Aunt Luo.
And then he heard the sound of bowls being placed on the table.
Probably wontons.
Chen Yuzhi, however, could not make sense of why Jiang Yuelou was acting so strangely over a portion of wontons.
Jiang Yuelou took his hand from Chen Yuzhi's eyes.
"Now you can have a look."
Jiang Yuelou had no idea how much Chen Yuzhi loved that cheeky and joyful expression on his face. The doctor's eyes lingered on Jiang Yuelou's for a few more seconds. Chen Yuzhi could have sworn that the latter's cheeks had acquired a slight pink blush. He had to be mistaken though, Jiang Yuelou wouldn‘t blush, never.
Then Chen Yuzhi lowered his gaze to the bowl of …
Tangyuan?
There weren't wontons in his bowl, but Tangyuan.
Chen Yuzhi immediately had to think of the last words they had exchanged before he had been shot. They had wanted to eat Tangyuan on the 15th. Aunt Luo's homemade ones.
Jiang Yuelou seemed to have noticed Chen Yuzhi's hesitation.
"You remember that we were going to eat Tangyuan on the 15th, right?"
Chen Yuzhi nodded, still had his gaze fixed on the bowl. What he didn't remember was the moment when he had been lying on the street covered in blood, Jiang Yuelou had held him in his arms, and he had told him how much he would have liked to eat Tangyuan with him. Chen Yuzhi had been sure that he would not make it, that he would take his last breaths in Jiang Yuelou's embrace. He was a doctor, he had been convinced that he had correctly understood the signs that he was going to die.
Chen Yuzhi had forgotten all of it, but Jiang Yuelou had not. He would surely tell him one day everything that had happened on the 15th, but not today. Today he just wanted to be happy and not think about that miserable day.
Tangyuan now had a very special place in his heart. However, he also knew that if he had lost Chen Yuzhi, he would have never been able to eat them again for the rest of his life. He was so incredibly grateful that fate, which had already been so cruel to him in this life, had shown mercy this one time, not snatching Chen Yuzhi away from him.
He would love to eat Tangyuan with him every day from now on.