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“Don’t you ever do something that reckless again!” he yelled, angrily pacing up and down the room. “You could have gotten yourself killed!”
“Yeah, well, I didn’t!” she snapped back, arms crossed in front of her chest, slumping down on the worn-out sofa in Joel’s hideout. “But I did get us that battery, so you’re welcome!”
“We could have found another way to get it.”
“But we don’t have time for another way. I saw a chance, I took it, end of story. Why are you making such a big deal about this?!”
“Because you acted without thinking about the consequences! There were about half a dozen clickers in there. What if they had noticed you?”
“What if, what if, what if! I’m fine! And why do you even care so much? We’ve been partners for like six months now and I’m not even sure we can call ourselves friends, so don’t act like my death would be a great loss to you.”
“You have no idea what loss is.”
She glared up at him, tears rising in her eyes but her voice was firm and steady. “Fuck you, Joel. You know nothing about me. Over the past ten years, we have all lost people we loved. Most of us have lost everyone and everything. I am deeply sorry for whoever it was that made you feel like the world ended with them – but don’t think for one second that you are the only one who knows what it’s like to suffer.”
He returned her gaze unmoving, jaw set, hands balled into tight fists, before releasing a heavy sigh and dropping down next to her. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly, running his hands over his tired face. “I shouldn’t have … You’re right, we all lost someone and I never even asked about your loved ones. … Do you want to talk about it?”
“No. Do you?”
“No.”
For a while, they sat in silence.
“It scares me,” he suddenly admitted without looking at her. “The way I care about you, how much you mean to me. It’s a dangerous world out there and I won’t always be able to be there and protect you. What if…?”
He left his question unfinished but she knew what he wanted to say. Love and pity filled her insides as she gently placed a hand on his cheek to turn his face towards her, his beard prickling against her skin, her heart clenching when she saw the tears in his eyes.
It was always his eyes that betrayed him. He liked to pretend that he was a cold and hard man, unmoved by the violence and catastrophes spreading around him just as wildly as the fungus did. But his warm brown eyes were never able to hide his true feelings. At least not around her.
She could see the fear in them now, the love he’d been trying so hard to push down to protect himself from the pain of loss that he thought was inevitable these days.
“You don’t have to protect me,” she whispered, turning to him cross-legged, her knees touching his muscular thigh. “I can hold my own. And I know that won’t stop you from worrying about me, just like I will always worry about you, but maybe it’s time for us to for once accept those feelings the way they are. Allow ourselves to be soft, to be real, to be human.”
He looked at her with a soft smile, his big hand coming up to cradle the side of her face. “What did I ever do to deserve you?”
Her heart beating faster, she closed her eyes for a moment, revelling the warm touch of his hand, a single tear rolling down her cheek. “Maybe you’re just a good man who deserves good things to happen to him once in a while.”
“Maybe…” His reply was barely more than a whisper, and then she felt his fingers sliding to the back of her neck, gently pulling her towards him, his lips carefully kissing away the tear before softly moving towards her mouth. Releasing a sigh, she let herself fall against him, his broad chest warm and firm beneath her, his hands gently sliding down her back, pulling her onto his lap.
The kiss was innocent, slow, gentle, like they both needed time to get used to the feeling again, to stop fighting in a world where trust could be your death warrant.
When they separated again, he tenderly tugged a strand of hair behind her ear, his other hand absentmindedly stroking the soft flesh of her hip beneath her shirt. The silence that now filled the room was comfortable, warm, like they didn’t need words to communicate, to understand what the other was trying to say.
In the peaceful quiet, the effects of the day’s adventures were suddenly catching up on her, a wave of fatigue rolling over her like a heavy blanket. Placing her head on his shoulder, she snuggled into him, her arms wrapping around him, while his enveloped her, his chest rising and falling steadily beneath her, slowly rocking her towards the threshold of sleep.
“Her name was Sarah.” His warm voice next to her ear stopped her from dozing off completely but she wasn’t sure whether he was actually talking to her or whether he thought she had already fallen asleep and just wanted to get it off his chest. “She was my daughter and only fourteen.”
Her heart aching for him and tears choking her, she slowly sat up again, looking into his beautiful face, the pain visible like he had only lost her yesterday.
“What happened?” she whispered, cupping his face, thumbs sweeping away his tears while her own fell freely.
“On Outbreak Day we tried to get out of town and … she was shot.”
A sting flashed through her heart like the bullet had hit her as well and she brushed her hands through his hair in a fruitless attempt to sooth a pain that she knew could never be eradicated. “I’m sorry, Joel. I’m so so sorry.”
He nodded slowly, closing his eyes and leaning his forehead against hers. “I know you can hold your own. I have seen you fight and I don’t know anyone better than you but … even the best can be surprised or outnumbered, so please … be careful and don’t take any more risks than necessary. I cannot bear losing another person I love.”
“You won't,” she promised through her tears, desperately holding on to his face, kissing his nose, his cheeks, his lips. “You won't lose me. I love you too and we’re gonna get through this together, come hell or high water.”
A little smile tugged at the corner of his mouth as he firmly returned her kisses. “Well, I think we already are in hell, so you better pack your swimming suit next.”
She laughed quietly, wiping at her tears. “Oh you would love that, wouldn’t you? I look incredible in a swimming suit.”
His next kiss was hungrier, igniting a spark deep within her core. “I bet you do,” he growled, sliding his lips down her throat, drinking in the soft moan vibrating through her body. “I bet you do…”