Chapter Text
It was dark out when he called me and asked me to pick him up. By the time I arrived at his place, the moon was surrounded with flecks of white, and all traces of the sunset had faded out.
I didn't have to tell him I'd arrived. He stood outside on the pavement, his hands picking at each other nervously. As soon as I pulled up, he walked over to the car and pulled open the passenger door. The fresh night air swept into the car as he climbed in and buckled his seat belt.
"Where to?" I asked as if this was a regular occurrence. It was beginning to be one.
"Literally don't care. Just... away." He was trying to stay light-hearted, but his fingers were digging into his sweater paws, and his smile didn't reach his eyes.
"As you wish."
I pulled out of his street onto a semi-main roadway. At this time of night, most people were already at home. I enjoyed the peacefulness of the lack of traffic. Night was quite possibly my favourite time, if only for the silence.
I tossed a glance at Karl. His knees were drawn up to his chest and he was nibbling on his thumb nail, his eyes fixed on the road.
"You're gonna mess up your nail polish if you keep doing that," I said gently, shifting into third gear. Dream was currently teaching George to drive and he wouldn't go any higher than second gear. It was painful.
"Hmm?" Karl glanced at me curiously, then seemed to realise what I'd said. He dropped his hand to his knee. "Oh, sorry, I didn't...I didn't know I was-"
"Don't apologise. I know it's not intentional."
"Right." He turned his attention back to the road, his arms draped around his knees.
I slowed down for a speed bump, but it still jerked both of us forward. The road was fairly windy from here on out, but it wasn't uncomfortably so. The moon and street lamps reflected across the black tar. Driving at night was a completely different vibe to driving in sunlight. George thought it was scary. Dream and I loved it.
"You wanna play something?" I asked Karl, breaking the silence. "You brought your phone, right?"
He nodded, pulling it out of the pocket of his jeans and switching it on. "What music do you feel like?"
I shrugged. "I don't care. Just play something you like."
"You sure?”
"Yeah. I don't mind."
He scrolled for a bit, the light of his screen turning his skin pale. My attention danced between him and the road. I knew he'd eventually tell me why he needed to get away from his house, but for now I was content with this. I liked spending time with him alone like this.
All I am is a man
I want the world in my hands
I smiled to myself. Of course he'd choose a song he knew I knew the lyrics to.
"Is this okay?" he asked over the notes of the song. I could feel his eyes on my face, searching for any sign of hesitance.
"Yes. I like this song, remember?"
His frame relaxed visibly. "Oh, I just wasn't sure if you still did."
"Relax, Karl, even if I didn't it shouldn't bother you so much."
He was running his teeth over his nails again, searching for an imperfection to nip off. I'd seen the way he bit them many times before. It wasn't down to the pinks like most people. He gnawed a straight line across the white so they could be mistaken for cut nails.
Let's have an adventure
Head in the clouds
but my gravity's centred
This road dipped with the slope of the hill we were on. I was taking us to an open field where the road melted into dirt and we were away from the prying eyes of people. It was either that or my house.
Karl hummed along to song, still lost in his thoughts. I'd wait til we stopped before trying to talk to him.
Cause it's too cold
for you here
and now,
so let me hold
both your hands in
the holes of my sweater
I slowed down as we reached the end of the road, stopping just as the tar was stippled with blades of grass. Karl turned down the music. I switched the car off and pulled out the key, stuffing it in my hoodie pocket. The rest of the car doors unlocked automatically when I unlocked my door.
"You getting out?" I asked Karl when I noticed he hadn't moved. "Or do you want to stay in here for a bit?"
"Here." He placed his phone in the plastic cup holder between the seats and offered me his hand. I took it, squeezing gently.
He'd told me once that physical contact helped him stay grounded when he felt like this. It made him feel real. Awake. It made him aware of which timeline he was in, and which version of his friends he was with. I hated that he had to go through all that time travel, timeline, vision crap. I hated that it messed with his memory.
"Did you see something?" I asked carefully. I was never sure how to bring this stuff up casually. His grip in mine tightened just a bit.
"I..." He took a deep breath, his gaze not leaving the dashboard. "Kind of. It had to do with you."
"With me?"
He nodded. I knew he didn't like me hyper focusing on his face when he was struggling to talk about something so I studied his fingers interlaced with mine. He'd painted the nails black and purple. It was a darker shade of purple than his hoodie, but it looked good on him. His nail paint always looked good on him.
"Apparently in another timeline we...we were engaged to Quackity. Both of us." Karl was frowning. "But...I can't remember. Something happened and I ended up hating him and we broke up. I didn't even stay engaged to you."
He'd retreated into his head when he told me this, his eyes giving me the impression he wasn't fully here. I squeezed his hand and he sunk back into the present moment. I was scared one day he'd venture too far into his mind and I'd lose him altogether.
"This stuff messes with me," he whispered, running his free hand over his face. "Sometimes I feel like I'm a part of the timeline I go to and I just experience everything and I..." Tears welled up in his eyes. "It's too much, Sapnap. I can't keep doing this."
A piece of my heart broke at the look on his face and the crack in his words. I let go of his hand and pulled open my car door. The night air was cold, but refreshing. I let it wash over me as closed the door and I walked to his side of the car.
"Get out," I said once I'd pulled his door open. He blinked at the sudden change in tone, but uncurled his legs and stepped out of the car.
I didn't wait for him to close the door before pulling him into a hug so tight I could feel the shape of his body against mine. He hesitated for a second before wrapping his arms around my middle and hugging me back just as tightly.
One of my hands cradled his head and I buried my head in his shoulder. He was taller than me, but he felt smaller when he clung onto me like this.
"What do you need, Karl?" I whispered. "A distraction? Something else?"
"You." His voice was muffled in my hoodie. "Just you."
We held each other like that until he stopped crying and he felt strong enough to pull away. He wiped the remainder of his tears away with his hands. I cupped his cheeks and planted a short kiss on his forehead.
"You're gonna be okay, Karl," I said, mustering up a smile for his sake. "I'm always here, okay?"
His blue eyes searched mine for any sign of doubt or dishonesty. When he found none, his shoulders sagged a little and his eyebrows draped together.
"What if I forget you, Sap?" He was toying with the strings of my hoodie now, as if they were the most fascinating things around. "I have this book I use to remember things, but I don't need when it comes to you. What if I...what if I wake up one day and genuinely forget we were ever friends?"
I hated the idea of that more than he knew. It had plagued my mind ever since he'd started having small memory issues. It stung that he worried about it too.
"If it comes to that, I'll just have to make friends with you again," I said gently, tilting his head up so he'd meet my gaze. "You'd get to relearn everything about me. It would be like a fresh start, you know?"
Something dark and sad lingered behind his irises. "I don't want to start from scratch. I don't want this to go away."
I pulled him into another hug. It was gentler this time. My arms wrapped around his shoulders and one hand settled in his hair, massaging his scalp softly.
"I know," I said. "We'll figure it out."
"And if we don't?"
I closed my eyes so the words wouldn't slam into me as roughly. "Then let's not take this time for granted."
When he pulled back just far enough to study my face, I saw the frown on his. Warmth radiated into my sides from his hands resting there. My hands were still cupping his cheeks. He smelt like strawberries and honey and vanilla.
"You're okay with us staying close?" he asked. "I remember, for a while, George didn't want to stay close cause he didn't want me to forget him."
"Yeah, well he came around, didn't he?"
"I guess."
"Karl," I said. His eyes met mine. The moonlight highlighted the loose strands of his hair and poured down the side of his face. "For tonight, can we just be completely honest with each other?"
He blinked. "Sure. I'm already honest with you, Sapnap."
My fingers brushed some of his hair out of his eyes. "Thank you." I studied his face under this lightning. It felt more intimate when we were like this. "Am I allowed to say you're pretty?"
Karl giggled. The sound filled me up with warmth. "Only if I can call you sexy."
"Well, in that case, you're very pretty."
Karl giggled again, holding one of his hands in front of his mouth. I took a hold of his free hand and led him to the front of the car. We stood side-by-side, facing the expanse of grass and sky before us.
I leaned back against the hood of the car, my hand still interlocked with his. His blue eyes were fixed on the stars, the moon, the wisps of clouds passing through. My chest ached. What if this was the last moment we had together like this?
"Do you remember when we were in school and you used to bring me here to smoke?" Karl asked, amusement tugging the corners of his mouth. "You acted so dumb when you were zonked out."
I scoffed. "Well, you always just laughed at everything."
"I thought you liked my laugh." He was looking at me with a teasing smile. I rolled my eyes. His hand was warm in mine.
"I do like your laugh," I said, not bothering to break eye contact. "Why do you think I brought you here so often?"
His cheeks flushed. "Oh." He dropped his gaze to our interlocked fingers. "I thought part of the reason was because you liked..." Red burned under his skin. "You said the one time you liked kissing me, and we kissed a lot when we got like that."
Cold air was drawn into my lungs. I hadn't thought he'd bring that up. I hadn't thought he even remembered our trips here. It felt like lifetimes ago we'd ridden here on our bikes and spent the afternoons blissfully ignoring reality.
We were both different people back then. Learning the map of his skin was far more important to me than any subject taught in class. It was easier back then. Everything was easier. It was before all the timeline travelling or memory problems or growing up happened.
"I did," I replied, heat prickling under my skin. My eyes were locked on the moon. "I did like kissing you."
"Oh."
This field smelt like fresh grass. "When we were like that...That was the only time I was brave enough to do it."
I dared to look at him. His eyes were on me and his cheeks were dark. The fingers of his free hand dug into his sweater paw. His lips were slightly parted.
Would kissing him now feel the same? Would he still taste the same? Would I have muscle memory of his lips or would I have to relearn their shape?
I pushed my thoughts away. We hadn't kissed in years. I hadn't let myself think about him like that since those days ended. It was better in the long run. What we had now felt natural. We were friends had a mutual understanding that there were more feelings there, but neither of us was ready to push that wall. Neither of us wanted to deal with them.
"Well, since we're being honest tonight," Karl said, inching the slightest bit closer to me. "I liked kissing you too."
I focused on the slow relaxation of my lungs as warm carbon dioxide drifted into the night air. This shouldn't have been news to me; he wouldn't have agreed to it if he hadn't liked it. That didn't mean it didn't knock the breath from my lungs.
My lips curved into a smirk. "Oh, really?"
"Yeah. We should do that again sometime. Without the smoking part," he said casually, like we were talking about grabbing a cup of coffee.
I forced myself to appear unaffected my his words, even though my pulse was racing. My bare calves were starting to feel the cold, but I didn't want to get back into the car right now. I was afraid that if I did, this conversation wouldn't be continued.
"You're serious?" I asked, my smirk gone. The teasing light in his eyes faded into something more solemn.
"I'm dead serious."
We weren't messing around anymore. This was honesty. This was part of my request. It wasn't friendly flirting or playful banter. He wanted to kiss me again.
"Is that what you need, Karl?" I asked softly, turning so that my body faced him. "Will it help?"
He shrugged, his gaze lowering to my lips. "Maybe." I could see his lashes fan out when he looked down. I remember counting them once. He'd fallen asleep first at a sleep over and I'd stayed awake to count the hairs of his lashes. It sounds stupidly obsessive now, but he had me hooked.
He still does.
"You remember the rules?" I asked Karl, a smile tugging at my lips. He nodded and leaned in, cupping my cheek gently.
His lips were softer than I remembered them to be. They always used to be a bit chapped. Now they were smooth and tasted sweet. They still slotted perfectly against mine, and he still grabbed a fistful of my hair to tug me closer.
He seemed a little unsure of leading the kiss. In the past, after he took a hit, he was fuelled by false confidence and the sudden lack of a filter. Now, he was kissing me almost nervously. He did know what he was doing, but he wasn't confident in his abilities.
I grabbed his hips, and rotated so that I was leaning back against the hood of the car again, Karl in front of me. I was leading the kiss, but I'd let him lead whatever came with it, if anything did.
His fingers in my hair explored my scalp tentatively. I was thankful I'd washed my hair yesterday so it wasn't greasy for this. His free hand roamed my shoulders and back for a resting spot, finally settling between my shoulder blades. My hands stayed firmly on his waist.
He pulled away briefly, a smile overtaking his face. "You taste nice."
I was too dazed to muster up any words so I simply hummed in response. My features softened at how cute he looked with that smile.
"You taste kind of like brownies."
I let out a breathy chuckle before I was pulled against him again, his lips hitting mine. He seemed a little more sure if himself this time around. His warmth seeped into me as he melted into the kiss. I remembered how easy it was to lose myself in this in between world we made just for ourselves. I remembered why I found his lips so addictive, why being close to him was a favourite pass time.
I broke the kiss to plant soft pecks over the curve of his neck and throat. It always made him smile when I did that. This time was no different.
I leaned back far enough to see his face clearly. His lips looked a little redder than usual and his cheeks were flushed. I pressed my lips to his forehead and nose. He slumped against me, burying his head in my chest.
"You tired?" I asked tenderly, running my hands up and down his back.
He shook his head.
"Cuddles?"
He nodded.
"Home?"
He nodded again. "Yours. Sleepover. Let's go."
I laughed softly, wrapping my arms around him for a short hug and pressing a quick kiss to his hair. He straightened up and we climbed into the car. I hadn't realised his phone was autoplaying his songs.
Let's fall in love for tonight
and forget in the morning
I sucked in a breath at the lyrics. I didn't want us to forget this tomorrow, but if we didn't that would create the hassle of figuring out what we were. I usually liked knowing where I stood and knowing what my boundaries were, but with Karl I already did. I didn't need some label of being in a relationship to do that.
Don't get me wrong, if he asked me to be his boyfriend I would have said yes in a heartbeat. I was just afraid he would be the one to shy away from that title. I was afraid we'd lose some of our friendship if we took that step.
The car ride home was pretty silent aside from the songs that played in the background. Karl seemed happier, which was good. He wasn't all curled up and he wasn't biting his nails.
When we arrived at home, I noticed Dream's car was gone. He probably went to George's place. The four of us were still looking for a house that we could all live in. I was leaning towards getting someone to build a house since none of them really clicked with us. George wanted to make sure we'd scoured the market before making that decision.
Karl and I entered the house and went straight to the kitchen. I knew he'd want some kind of snacks when we cuddled.
"Do you still have that hot chocolate you did when I came around last time?" he asked, opening the cupboard door where we kept teas, coffees and other warm drinks.
"We might. I don't know. Dream drinks it quite a bit."
"Found it," Karl said, holding up a tin of hot chocolate powder. "Okay, I'll make myself some of this and you set up your room."
(Convenient time skip)
It was nearing midnight by the time we finished the movie. I'd set up an air mattress for Karl to sleep on, even though we both knew we'd end up sleeping in the same bed. It was the thought that counted.
Karl was curled up on his side, his back against my chest. Once the laptop screen faded to black, he leaned over and switched it off. The room was dark except for a mushroom night lamp Dream had gotten me as a joke. I ended up liking it.
"That movie was pretty cool," Karl said, rolling over so he could rest his head on my shoulder. I planted a kiss on his temple.
"You're pretty cool."
He smiled. "You're cooler."
The mushroom lamp cast a blue light into the room. It faded into green. I grazed my hand over Karl's arm and intertwined our fingers. I'd never get tired of being like this with him. The more of this I had, the more I wanted. I could never get enough of him.
"You're the coolest," I whispered. "And the cutest."
Pink seeped into his cheeks so he nuzzled his face into my chest to hide it. "That's not fair." His voice was muffled.
"What's not fair?"
"Calling me cute and acting like it's a normal thing to say."
I laughed a little and rolled onto my side to face him. Our legs were intertwined. My free hand brushed his hair out of his face and tilted it so I could see his eyes clearly.
"I'm just here spitting facts," I teased. "Not my problem you can't accept them."
I watched the light fade from green to yellow, then orange. It was interesting seeing all the variations of colour his features took on.
His eyes drifted down to my lips, and anticipation washed through me. We made eye contact. I nodded. He leaned in.
His mouth was warm and he was kissing me slowly, like we had all the time in the world, like we could stay here as long as we wanted. His hand found my cheek. Hot chocolate and marshmallows and strawberries tasted good on his lips. I melted into the mattress and let him practically climb on top of me. His leg was over mine and his weight rested heavily on his right elbow.
I was sure he could feel my pulse racing as his fingers grazed down the side of my face to my neck, but he didn't stop.
When we were in high school he'd sometimes complain about my stubble being spiky. I hoped it wasn't too bad now.
Karl pulled back, just far enough for our lips to brush against each other. His eyes were still closed and his thumb ran idle circles over my throat. I hadn't realised I'd been gripping his hips.
He didn't say anything as his lips toyed with mine. It wasn't kissing. It was more exploring, more feeling without his fingers. I lay still and let him, unsure of what exactly he wanted from me.
His careful brushes ventured from my lips to my face. He traced light trails into my skin and pressed soft kisses along my features. I couldn't help, but smile under his touch. He was gentle with me. He'd always been. I was softer around him.
The warmth of his lips left my face and I watched his eyes blink open and focus on mine. The depth in them left me breathless.
"I like this." His voice was barely audible, but I heard it. "I like us."
My hands tightened around his hips as I subconsciously pulled him closer to me. "I like us too."
His fingertips ran over my skin like he was trying to engrave the shape of it into his memory. "This is, like, the one thing that I..." His warm breath fanned against my cheek. "The one thing I can't lose."
I forced myself not to show how his words stung, but I knew he knew they did. He knew me better than anyone in the world. He knew all the small details of me. There was no hiding from him.
"You're not going to lose it," I said, more to myself than him. The look in his eyes told me he didn't believe me, but he still asked, "Really?"
I nodded, gripping onto his head and pulling him against my chest in a weird sort of hug. "Really. I don't care what it takes, this isn't going away."
"You promise?"
I swallowed. Promising such a thing would be a lie. I knew that as well as he did. That didn't stop me from saying,
"Yeah, I promise."