Work Text:
The agency was a mess. After an enemy attack that they more lost than win, Tanizaki was being treated by Yosano in the infirmary, while the others tried to figure out where the hell Dazai had been taken.
Yes, Dazai Osamu had been kidnapped by the enemy, a gang of criminals trying to be the new Port Mafia or some shit.
Of course, it was quite likely that it was all just one of Dazai's plans, especially with Ranpo's laziness to deduce his location with the Ultra Deduction, to get more information about the gang and catch the big fish that was organizing all that mess and not the little guys making the mess.
Cleaning up the office after an attack was always a pain, it was the third time in six months that Kunikida had to order new glass for the windows and no one in the agency liked the cleaning service, especially with glass everywhere and bullet holes in the walls. Atsushi's desk had turned to pieces, as the tiger-man had used it as a shield to knock out some of the enemies.
While Kenji was packing up the five prisoners for interrogation, Atsushi, Kiyoka and Naomi were cleaning up, while Kunikida was trying to convince Ranpo to help them find Dazai.
"Ranpo-san, please."
"NAH-NAH! IT'S BORING!" Ranpo shouted, stuffing more French fries in his mouth, "Dazai is just playing with all of you! I won't waste my time with something so stupid!"
"Ranpo-san, even if it's part of Dazai's plan, we can't leave him in the hands of unknown enemies. They had a reason for wanting to take him to who knows where!" Kunikida insisted, almost pleading. Although Dazai was a pain in the ass and a poor excuse to spend bandages, he was still his partner and part of the agency.
Ranpo wasn't convinced at all, waving a potato in Kunikida's face as if it were his finger, "Just wait for Dazai to send some message about his location. Do you really think he let himself taken without a plan-"
Suddenly, Ranpo's eyes widened, seeming to have noticed something. Then he groaned like a wounded animal, rolling over in his chair, Kunikida knew Ranpo's expressions well from years of work, and the others also knew what a good thing it was not, "He went without a plan, didn't he?"
The way Ranpo acted was answer enough. Atsushi soon let go of his broom, running to Kunikida's side, "Kunikida-san, is it true? Dazai-san let himself be taken without a concrete plan?"
Kunikida looked at Ranpo, who was grumbling while stuffing himself with potato chips, "Looks that way."
Atsushi choked, shocked, "What will we do then? It doesn't look like those guys are going to wake up in the next hours at least and we have no way of finding Dazai-san!"
Kunikida tapped Atsushi on the head with his notebook, but it was just a tap, "Breathe, kid. Dazai may be a pain in the ass, but he's not dumb and he won't break with a few punches."
Atsushi agreed with a nod, it was true, Dazai was strong, he would know what to do. Just then, the door to the president's office opened and Fukuzawa came out of it, his expression more serious and tense than Atsushi had ever seen.
"President, is there a problem?" Kunikida asked, expecting more bad news.
Fukuzawa looked at Ranpo, who slouched in his chair already expecting a reprimand, "Ranpo, help your colleagues"
Ranpo grumbled and sighed, shaking his head, "Fineeee~"
Atsushi sighed in relief, if Ranpo helped, soon they would be planning how to save Dazai. But Fukuzawa wasn't done yet, looking at Kunikida and handing over a piece of paper with a phone number, "Call this number and report on Dazai's situation."
Kunikida's eyes widened, taking the paper and looking at the number, frowning when he didn't recognize it, "President, whose number is this?"
"A family member"
The surprise reaction was justified, first, because no one thought that Dazai had a family. Second, because they never notify the family members of any agent.
Sure, more than half of them are orphans, the parents of the Tanizaki siblings were a big mystery, Kunikida had been rejected after deciding he would start using his ability to help others, and Kenji's family lived so far away that it was just cruel to disturb them. with every little thing that happened to the boy.
It was like a silent agreement, an unspoken agency rule. That their closest family could only be told if they were properly dead — because in his last moments, Yosano could easily save them.
Kunikida hold the paper tight, gulping before asking, "Who exactly?"
Fukuzawa crossed his arms, saying with a neutral face, "Dazai's husband."
If the agency was a mess before, it was now a complete chaos.
The day was strangely calm, it was past three in the afternoon and his phone had not been clogged with messages from the annoying mackerel. When it was past noon — the idiot's lunch hour — with no messages, he thought that Dazai was catching his lunch hour later, when two o'clock was near, he just concluded that Dazai was busy with a case.
Now, so late, he was trying by all means to think that Dazai took a particularly difficult case and they would see each other at home at dinner time, when Dazai got home and before he needed to leave for work.
So when his phone rang while he was cleaning the living room — because Dazai had made a huge mess in the morning and hadn't cleaned anything and he was very tired earlier because of his job — he put down the broom and grabbed the phone, being disappointed when the number that came up wasn't saved and didn't look like any of Dazai's secret numbers.
Anyway, he answered it, after all, it was his personal phone, "Hello?"
A familiar voice sounded on the other end, not from Dazai, but from someone he had heard before, "Hello, this is Kunikida Doppo from the Armed Detective Agency. Is this Dazai Osamu's husband?"
He felt a ball forming in his stomach, already wondering what Dazai had done, "Yes, that's him. Did something happen?"
Kunikida — now he knew why he knew that voice, he had heard Kunikida yell at Dazai several times over the phone — coughed, scratching his throat, obviously nervous, "Well, it's been a few days since Dazai and I had been investigating a case, I can't give too many details but... Dazai ended up being taken by the enemy."
"What?" He shouted, probably making Kunikida's eardrum hurt like he had been stabbed, but he didn't care, "What do you mean shittydazai was taken?! By who?!"
Kunikida sighed on the other end, "We don't know exactly, what we have is confidential information, we only called because Dazai said in his employee file that we should let you know if anything happened because you two live together and-"
The cell phone broke in his hands, he let the pieces fall out and ran to his room, throwing his pajamas anywhere and putting on the first clothes he found, then ran back to the living room, grabbing his work cell phone, his keys and putting on his shoes while stumbling. It didn't take five minutes before he was walking out the window, but not before he remembered the hat hanging by the door, turned around, put it on his head, and flew out the window toward the Detective Agency.
When the call suddenly ended, Kunikida looked at the phone with wide eyes and a sigh, which did not go unnoticed by Atsushi, "So, how was it? Does Dazai-san really have a husband?"
Kunikida agreed with his head, "Yes, a very concerned one, It seems."
Atsushi raised his eyebrow, confused, "You think so, Kunikida-san?"
Kunikida shrugged, "He hung up on me."
Yosano was walking out of the infirmary at that moment, tidying her hair with her fingers, "It's not like it's normal to have your husband kidnapped, I'm more shocked that Dazai really has a husband."
"That's right, Dazai-san keeps flirting with women, I would never think he's already married!" Atsushi agreed, shaking his head, "Especially to a man!"
Naomi sighed in shock, putting her hands to her mouth, "Maybe he's unfaithful?!"
Tanizaki choked on her sister's room, "Naomi! Don't say things like that! Dazai-san may be a bit... eccentric! But I don't think he's a cheater!"
Atsushi vehemently agreed, "That's it! Dazai-san is not that type of man! Right, Kunikida-san?"
But Kunikida had a very ugly face, with crooked lips and frowning eyebrows, "I have a lot of doubts."
Atsushi felt a drop of sweat drip from his forehead, even if he wanted to believe that Dazai would not be a cheater, it was very strange that he was married and kept asking women to do a double suicide with him or simply flirting with them. But before they could continue their discussion, a projectile came through the window, falling in the middle of the room.
The projectile was actually a man, short and thin, wearing a red jacket and expensive shoes. Since they were uncharacterized, it took Atsushi a while to recognize him, but his fiery hair and fancy hat were enough of a trademark to know who it was. Kunikida already had a gun in his hands when Atsushi finally recognized the person and activated the tiger.
Kenji sighed loudly, shouting excitedly, "It's the guy that walks on the wall!"
The Port Mafia executive, the most powerful man of Yokohama, former partner of Dazai and half of Double Black, Nakahara Chuuya, had just come through the window with his ability and didn't seem intimidated at all by the guns pointed in his direction.
Kunikida stepped forward, "What do you want here, executive?"
Nakahara Chuuya was serious, but his lips looked quivering and his eyes filled with concern, "What do you mean what am I doing here? You just called me saying that shittydazai was kidnapped!"
The agency was silent, as if the world had stopped for a moment, until the gears turned in the detectives' heads and the answer finally appeared before their eyes: Nakahara Chuuya was Dazai's husband. It was the obvious answer given the circumstances, but definitely not the easiest to accept. The only one who knew everything, of course, was Ranpo, who was holding back his laughter for the first few seconds of the whole scene, but as soon as Chuuya spoke — and said something very revealing — the little detective couldn't take it anymore and started laughing hysterically.
Kunikida slammed his hand on the table, wanting to collapse from the stress, "That Dazai! That's why he put in the files that we should call his husband if anything happened!"
Chuuya crossed his arms, "Oh well. Better to have me flying out your window knowing he fucked up than me not knowing what happened, don't you think?"
Kunikida looked at Chuuya, who returned the look, the two partners of Dazai talked through their eyes for a moment, a tacit understanding of the man that only someone forced to work together constantly with him could understand, same for the headache he caused.
Kunikida grumbled, "But he should have put his name on the chart!"
Ranpo, who had finally controlled his laughter, said with a smile, "He did, the President didn't though Mr. Fancy Hat would show up here so suddenly!"
Fukuzawa then left his office after hearing all the commotion, frowning when he saw the executive in the middle of his office, "Nakahara-san?"
Chuuya bowed as he would to his own boss, "Fukuzawa-san."
Fukuzawa waved his hand, a signal for him to be less formal with him, "I assume you can't not do anything when you heard the news about Dazai?"
Chuuya confirmed with his head, putting his hat back on, "That is correct, Fukuzawa-san."
"I'm afraid I can't let you go with my men, since it's an Agency case" Fukuzawa explains calmly, knowing how the young man must feel.
Chuuya clenches his hand into a fist, the leather making a noise, "The Mafia and the Agency have a peace agreement in place, don't they?" Fukuzawa agrees with his head, it was true. After the many trials, the two organizations decided to enter into a peace agreement and help in hard times, "If I promise not to kill anyone, can I go get my stupid husband? I can get the job done faster than your tiger man and the glasses here."
Fukuzawa thought for a moment, he didn't want to stop Chuuya from going after Dazai, it seemed like a bad option considering how nervous the executive was.
Besides, he needed someone to fix the windows.
Fukuzawa looked at Kunikida, who understood what he should do, but couldn't help but feel more tired, "That Dazai just gives me trouble."
Chuuya noded, he understood him well, "Where was he taken?"
Atsushi approached with his notebook, showing the screen to him, a post-it with the location pasted in the corner of the screen, "I looked at the place Ranpo-san told us, but it doesn't show up on the map..."
Chuuya only had to look at the post-it, then turned to Ranpo, "You're fucking joking ."
Ranpo shook his shoulders boredly, "I just deduced, I'm not the one who told them to go there."
Kunikida crossed her arms, "What? Where is that?"
Chuuya snorted, uncomfortable, "It's a warehouse in the harbor, the abandoned part."
Atsushi tilted his head like a confused dog, "And what else is there?"
"Besides being full of teenagers using drugs?" Chuuya asked, grumpily, Atsushi opened his mouth, surprised, not knowing how to act. Chuuya grumbled a little, "Me and Dazai used to go there, to be alone... After he betrayed the mafia."
"Really?" Atsushi asked, wide-eyed, "You think it's just a coincidence?"
Chuuya sighed, "I can't tell, but it sure as hell isn't just any fucking idiot who got him..."
Kunikida huffed, "And how do you plan to get Dazai back?"
Chuuya looked at him calm and composed, then gave one of his corner smiles, eyes sparkling, "I'm going to go in there and get what's mine."
Chuuya guided Kunikida and Atsushi through the abandoned harbor, any teenager who saw the red-headed man with hat needed no warning to know they should get the hell out, very well warned by the older guys who once taught them about that forgotten place by anyone. Kunikida decided not to ask about it, one less headache was better than knowing what the hell Nakahara had done to be known by those brats who made them run like they had seen the devil himself.
"Hey, Chuuya-san... How did you and Dazai-san get married?" Atsushi asked, as they walked quietly through the harbor.
Chuuya shrugged, "It was after Dazai decided to betray the mafia, we were in a hurry, we lived together at the time, so it was easy to leave early one morning and sign the papers at the registry office..." He spoke with little nostalgia, after all, it was something quick and hurried and as soon as the papers were signed, Dazai disappeared for almost a whole year, leaving him adrift about his whereabouts, "If I'm not mistaken, Dazai picked up a random woman on the street to be the witness, I had suggested Akutagawa, but he wouldn't know how to handle the pressure if the boss questioned him."
Atsushi looked surprised, "So, you guys didn't have a party?"
Chuuya denied with his head, "We were mafia, Dazai about to become a traitor..."
"But wouldn't you like one? Chuuya-san always struck me as the romantic type!"
Well, yes, Chuuya wanted a wedding party and a big ceremony, especially now that he had all the means and resources to do it the way he dreamed of for the past few years, but it was as if time had not passed and it was no longer worth having a party.
Suddenly, Atsushi spoke again, "It's so strange to know that you two are married... I thought you hated each other"
"If I hated that idiot, I wouldn't risk my life to save his ass for all these years" Chuuya retorted and Atsushi had to agree, it didn't make sense really, their two words and actions were always in conflict now that he stopped to think better of it, "You and Ryuu are going to be like that one day, Osamu and I fought every day, but since we were on the same side, I couldn't beat him into jelly..."
Atsushi frowned, he highly doubted that it would happen, "I don't think we will..."
Chuuya decided not to say anything about it, and it didn't take long for Kunikida to point out the warehouse with cars parked behind it. Atsushi used the tiger's senses to tell how many enemies there were there, there were no more than ten, five inside and five outside.
That would be so easy it was annoying.
Dazai didn't exactly have a plan when he let himself be kidnapped, he knew that Ranpo could deduce where he was taken and that if the president really did call the emergency number — which he made very explicit that he should if something like a kidnapping happened to him — then Dazai would still be coming home at dinner time.
Besides, he had already gotten all the information after being kidnapped and brought to that familiar place — ah, his chibi would love to know where he was being held hostage! — since those guys were amateurs and told him everything he needed to know very quickly and didn't even notice! Well, he was beaten up a bit, one kick, three punches, a pistol butt. Kidnapping pattern, no big deal.
When Dazai heard muffled screams outside, he knew his ransom had arrived.
"He took long enough" Dazai yawned, jumping up and doing a somersault in the air, knocking the guy behind him unconscious and putting his cuffed hands behind him in front.
"H-Hey, don't move!" One of the guys pointed his big gun at him, "No use trying to run away! We're outnumbered!"
Dazai looked at him with a wry smile, "I think there's some misunderstanding."
One of the other three gulped, "What?"
"Not in a million years would you be able to beat me or my husband" Dazai said, then the warehouse door opened and his Chuuya inside, composed but annoyed, "You took too long! I got two completely unnecessary punches!"
Chuuya rolled his eyes, his hands in his pockets and unaffected by the trembling guns pointed at him, "Own, poor baby. Do you need a kiss to take the pain away?"
Dazai mulled over the proposal, then nodded, "That's a good idea!"
The guy with the gun started shooting at Chuuya, but as expected, the bullets didn't hit him, stopping in his gravitational field. Chuuya let the bullets fall, with a single momentum, he was in front of the man and one by one, obliterated them with a good kick and punch.
"Wouldn't it be faster to blow them up?" Dazai asked, throwing the handcuffs away.
Chuuya shrugged, "I promised to your boss I wouldn't kill anyone."
"Dazai-san!"
So Kunikida and Atsushi rushed inside the warehouse, Kunikida looked at the bodies on the floor and put his glasses away, looking at Chuuya, "You didn't-"
"They're alive, but that shittydazai must already know everything you guys need" Chuuya pointed at Dazai, with his usual annoyed expression, "And you!!!"
Dazai smiled, "Me?"
Chuuya squinted, "Next time you're going to be kidnapped: have a better plan! If you're complaining about how you took two punches, if I had left the agency working alone you'd still be getting beaten up by those fifth-rate extras!"
"Eeeeh? Chuuya, your poor husband is injured and you treat him like that?"
"Injured?" Chuuya frowns, suddenly less annoyed, "They really hurt you? Where?"
"Yah~ Yah~ Nothing to worry about- !!!"
While Dazai was trying to make a joke, Chuuya was already checking every inch of his body, his arms and chest, but by the time he got to his ribs, it hurt like hell — he could hide the pain, but Dazai was inevitably transparent to his precious chibi~
"Idiot. Is it broken?"
"No, just bruised" Dazai assured, taking his hands away from him, "Chibi can see me better at home, I don't want to traumatize Atsushi-kun~"
That comment was enough for Chuuya to punch the bruised spot, leading Dazai to see stars in a way he didn't like.
"Chuuya! Why did you do that?"
"To see if you learn anything, mackerel!"
"But Chuuya, I was only joking! Can't I play with my tiny, adorable husband anymore?
"WHO'S TINY YOU BASTARD?"
The two started bickering, as they always did, calling each other the most creative names possible.
Atsushi sighed, looking at the couple, they were irreparable, really, "Do you think he will survive?"
Kunikida snorted, "As if bad vases could break easily."