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He still remember that day as if it had happened yesterday.
She was so delicate then, she looked like a porcelain cup. He could still hear her soft laugh in his ears, so innocent and real. Her hair was so thin yet pleasant to the touch that he still remembered feeling it against his fingers as he combed it into braids. Her skin was pale, after the tragedy she did not leave the house often, but even this condition did not disfigured her. But after all it wasn't important to him, what mattered was that he could just have her by his side, feel her love and support, help her when she needed, just feel her presence. Now all he could feel was sadness and memories of those beautiful days.
He always blamed himself for the tragedy that happened that day. What he wouldn't give to go back to that day and start over. He knew that what had happened wasn't his fault, he hadn't attacked first, yet he still wanted to change everything so badly. However, this feeling was getting worse day by day, because he knew that even if he came back, he would not be able to change anything, he could not and did not want to give up the boy he had met then. His sister's death was a punishment for what he had felt that summer, he kept telling himself.
He didn't visit his family as often as he used to. He visited the family grave only a few times in his life, the guilt he felt was too heavy for him. He also saw his brother once every few years, they no longer looked like family, more like two strangers eating at the same table. Every topic they started ended up blaming themselves for what had happened so many years ago. These conversations didn't help at all, they only deepened his sadness.
Teaching has always been his passion, the joy on the faces of students who managed to perform another spell that was difficult for them was the greatest reward for him. Over the years, he met many students, but their enthusiasm, ambition and desire to know what was unknown reminded him of only one person who, despite the passage of time, was still an important part of his life.
He never visited Nurmengard Castle. He couldn't look at the man who had annihilated so many lives in the name of the greater good. He couldn't look at the man he loved. He kept telling himself that he was doing it for him. He should be doing his punishment, not focusing on him and waiting for the next meeting. He said he wanted to spare him the pain. Even so, he only wanted to spare himself the pain, visiting Nurmengard would only remind him of the feeling of emptiness, and he would understand and finally see what he had done. He imprisoned the only person who fully loved him. He knew that everything his beloved did was for him, after all, it was his actions that encouraged the young lover to change the world.
Gellert and Ariana had one thing in common - how their fate ended was certainly largely his fault.