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“I don’t want you to talk to your classmates anymore.”
Doesn’t this… feel kind of wrong?
Komaeda’s confusion and unwillingness must have shown in his face because Naegi immediately smiled and sheepishly giggled. “I'm not forcing you, Komaeda-kun. If you don’t want to do that, I’ll be a little upset, but that’s okay, that doesn’t really matter.”
“Ah, no!” Komaeda reacted, and it felt like he didn’t even think about it. What he did was instinctive, natural for someone like him, because really, who was he to go against the wishes of someone like Naegi? “It’s okay, really. It’s not like I talked to them frequently even before in the first place… Does Hinata-kun count?”
Naegi paused, as if thinking for a moment. He was lightly rubbing his chin using his fingers, and when he seems to have concluded something, he looked up and faced Komaeda. “Yes… especially Hinata-kun, actually.”
“…Huh?” Komaeda tilts his head, confused than ever before. “Why? Did Hinata-kun do something?”
“No, no, that’s not it at all.” Naegi laughs again, carefree and light. “I know you already told me that you guys are nothing but best friends, but… sorry, Komaeda-kun. I'm just really, really jealous.”
“Naegi-kun? Jealous?” Komaeda felt his face heating up. “…You have no reason to feel that way, especially regarding Hinata-kun. He's just a really close friend to me, and I'm sure that he’d never regard me that way, you know. And besides…” Komaeda smiles, though his smile ended up looking embarrassed. He isn’t really used to things like this. “Naegi-kun is far too special, far too admirable… No one could ever compare to you.”
Naegi smiles, looking flattered. Komaeda’s heart leaps, and his own embarrassed smile turns happier. “I'm really glad that you have such high regard for me, Komaeda-kun. As I always say, I don’t really deserve anything too grand.”
“And as I always say too, you're really, truly deserving of your Super High School Level Talent, Naegi-kun. Your optimism, positivity, cheerfulness… I can’t imagine anyone else who's more befitting of the title that you have.”
“You really think so?”
“Of course!” Komaeda smiles even more. “I’ll never lie to you, Naegi-kun. Not to you of all people. That will be too disrespectful to do…”
He feels Naegi’s soft hand reaching out and touching his. Komaeda feels like he’ll melt because of the gentle gesture. “Will you still do it, though?”
“I will.” Komaeda squeezes Naegi’s hand lightly. “If that’s what Naegi-kun wants.”
Naegi leans closer, and Komaeda instinctively closes his eyes. His face feels even hotter than before. He feels Naegi’s lips on his, pressing only slightly. He pulls away from Komaeda, and even if it only took nothing more than a second, Komaeda still feels like he's soaring.
“That means so much to me, Komaeda-kun. Thanks a lot.”
“I should be the one thanking you…”
--
Komaeda has always been looking for hope, and he regarded it as the best thing in the world. He knows that it’s only proper if he dedicates his life to it. He firmly believes that if one has hope, they have everything as well. A person who has hope can do anything that they decide to do—that is a fact and Komaeda is willing to fight anyone who’ll disagree.
Well, at least that’s what he wants to do. Most of the time, he wonders if he's even worthy of doing something like that. A person like him who's no better than a worm, someone who can’t do anything right, the lowest of the low—someone like him can’t possibly represent hope… even if he wants to.
Admitting that final bit even just to himself is impudence, a very disrespectful gesture worthy of being compared to blasphemy. Someone like him isn’t allowed to have dreams, especially something as grand as being hope.
That’s why he focuses on looking for someone else. Someone worthy of being hope, someone who isn’t like him.
Being invited to Hope’s Peak Academy was his strongest stroke of luck, and even if he felt heavily undeserving of coexisting with people better than him, people who are regarded as the ‘symbols of hope’, he still decided to accept in the end.
Because really, who was he to reject something like that?
And besides, this happening probably will help him find the person he's looking for—the person worthy of embodying hope itself.
It did help him, he thinks.
--
There was a time when he actually thought that the person he was looking for was Hinata.
Komaeda wasn’t going to lie—Hinata didn’t feel too extraordinary. If anything, he actually feels like Komaeda. Someone normal with probably normal capabilities… not someone who has a Super High School Level Talent.
Despite that, Komaeda still felt hope shining within him. He never thought that he’d feel such strong hope from someone who feels so average at the same time. Truth to be told, because of meeting Hinata, Komaeda found himself briefly contemplating that maybe, just maybe, it was possible for himself to radiate hope too, but he quickly dismissed his thoughts before they can get any more impertinent.
Komaeda’s intrigue increased even more when he found out that Hinata’s talent is apparently a secret, and only Hope’s Peak Academy’s researchers know. Maybe his talent was too great that the academy felt the need to protect it as a secret. Maybe his talent was too great that Komaeda’s brain, being too incompetent, thought that he was average. Komaeda was probably too stupid to comprehend something overly amazing.
What if Hinata was the Super High School Level Hope?
That was the start of Komaeda’s interest in him, but what made it stay was Hinata’s kindness.
Hinata was kind, caring, and he always looked out for Komaeda.
They were always together, actually, and if Komaeda would be painfully honest, he can say that he actually used to crush on Hinata.
Despite being someone who yearns for hope a lot though, he knows that that crush was hopeless.
There was no way that Hinata would return his interest. Hinata was just being kind because they're classmates and roommates at the same time. It would be a horrible experience if one doesn’t get along with the person they live with, right?
It was around the middle of their first year when he decided to finally give up on his hopeless attraction.
It wasn’t comfortable liking someone who lives with him, and the more that he's getting closer to Hinata, the more he realizes that they're probably better off just having a close platonic relationship, after all. Not only that, a certain event happened, an event that made Komaeda realize that it’s better if he just becomes Hinata’s great friend and supporter.
It was one evening back then.
It was cold, and Komaeda has wrapped himself with a thick blanket. He doesn’t really fare well to the cold—in fact, he wears a thick jacket most of the time, but once he's wrapped like this comfortably, he finds himself being really relaxed.
He was about to doze off when he hears Hinata softly calling his name from the upper bunk, and Komaeda immediately gets alerted.
“Hinata-kun?” He calls out as well, not getting up from his position. He can’t see Hinata’s expression, seeing as Hinata seems to have not gotten up as well, but for some reason, he sounds a bit… hesitant? Komaeda’s not sure if that’s the term.
“I, uh…” Hinata clears his throat, and Komaeda hears him slightly shifting on his bed. “…wanted to ask you something for a while now.”
“What is it?” Komaeda’s surer then. Hinata was indeed hesitant about something. Komaeda’s curiosity was piqued even more.
“There's this… uh, friend.” Hinata pauses for a long while that Komaeda started to wonder if he fell asleep. “I like them very much… Do you think I should confess?”
Komaeda probably felt slight disappointment that time. “Hmm, I'm not knowledgeable when it comes to things like this, and I don’t think I know enough… but if Hinata-kun wants to confess, I think it’s okay? You're an amazing person, Hinata-kun, so I'm sure they’ll be flattered.”
“…Really?”
“Uh-huh.”
“I-If you were in the situation…” Hinata pauses again. “I mean… if you were the one who'll receive a confession… how would you want it to go?”
“I really think there's a better person to ask regarding topics like this, Hinata-kun, but I’ll answer anyway.” Komaeda replies. “If it were me, I think it’ll be okay if I just receive a simple confession. Just a simple ‘I like you’ is enough, I guess… but hm, wait, I think I’ll be wondering why they even liked someone like me in the first place… or maybe I’ll think it’s a prank…”
Hinata doesn’t reply, so Komaeda continues speaking. “Haha, now that I think more hardly about it, this is a bit complicated, after all… I mean, I can’t really imagine anyone liking me, but who knows, maybe I’ll believe them if they say it so seriously? But wait, I'm sure the person that Hinata-kun likes is nothing like me. They're probably impressive and they know it, so I don’t think you won’t even have to worry about an issue like this.”
Hinata still doesn’t reply, so Komaeda keeps quiet. Did Hinata fall asleep because of his babbling? Just when Komaeda was ready to conclude that, he hears Hinata taking a deep breath. “Yeah, sorry, I can’t say it, after all…”
“What do you mean?”
“I-I mean… just thinking about it, yeah.” Hinata clears his throat. “It sounds so difficult just thinking about it.”
“I’ll always be here to support you, Hinata-kun.” Komaeda smiles before closing his eyes, letting sleep take him that time. He doesn’t know if Hinata still replied after, but if he did, then he never said anything about it, so Komaeda stayed unaware.
That certain happening was the reason why Komaeda decided to just be the most supportive friend that he can be. Hinata needs his help and advice, even if Komaeda doesn’t know anything about this topic either. He shouldn’t let his measly feelings get in the way.
And during the next year…
During the next year, the real Super High School Level Hope transferred to Hope’s Peak, and Komaeda decides that everything is going perfectly.
He can continue being Hinata’s best friend without complicated feelings, and he got to finally find the person that he was looking for.
--
Komaeda’s luck fluctuates.
That’s why he was standing hesitantly in front of his own dorm room’s door at the moment. If his luck was on his side tonight, Hinata won’t be home and won’t be back until Komaeda falls asleep. Komaeda never had the reason to avoid talking to Hinata on purpose, not until now, and so he doesn’t really know what do if Hinata turns out to be home and starts a conversation with him.
He takes a deep breath before finally turning the knob of the door and pushing it open. His hopes of Hinata not being home were dashed and stepped on as he sees Hinata looking up from a book and smiling at him as soon as he goes inside. “Hey, welcome back.”
He finds himself stupidly freezing on the spot. What should he do? Should he deliver at least a short and curt reply? Should he not reply at all? Wait, that’s too disrespectful… but then again, not talking to him out of nowhere is disrespectful.
He remembers the thought that he had earlier.
Doesn’t this… feel kind of wrong?
Why would Naegi even order him to do something like that? He knows that thinking like this is probably impertinent, but he can’t stop himself from doing so… but wait, seeing as Naegi is superior to him, maybe he sees and thinks of things that Komaeda isn’t capable of?
Right, Komaeda shouldn’t question Naegi at all. He should just do what he's told to do. Besides, Naegi probably has a good and hopeful explanation for what he's thinking about. He always does, and Komaeda believes in him. Naegi is the personification of hope. There's no reason to doubt him.
“Are you alright?” Hinata’s voice snaps him out of his thoughts. He looked worried, but Komaeda should ignore that even if it makes him feel so guilty. There was a slight prick of guilt in his chest as he closes the door behind him and wordlessly goes straight to his bed.
He can still feel Hinata’s worried and curious glance on him even as he lies down on the bed and faces the wall. “Komaeda, hey.” He hears Hinata’s voice again, and Hinata seems to have sat on the edge of his bed. “What's wrong?”
The slight prick of guilt in his chest was growing. “Are you playing that silent game again? Where’d you even get that idea? Not only does it make me, well, feel lonely, but… don’t you feel lonely doing this as well?”
Komaeda covers himself with a blanket, hoping that Hinata will just leave and stop fussing over him. He feels a hand patting his head twice. “Look, I won’t get mad at you because you probably have your reasons, but you're being really rude. Even our classmates think so as well, actually. They're not mad, but they do feel a bit upset.”
Ignore it. Komaeda closes his eyes. This is just a small thing, right? Just not talking for a while… this probably has a time limit too, like that certain week when Naegi didn’t want him to talk, only to… reward him really well when the week ended. Komaeda can feel his face heating up again, and he's glad that he's covering himself with a blanket at the moment.
Yes, this is just a small thing. He should be able to do this much especially for Naegi, the person that he was looking for this entire time. Naegi always compliments him, telling him that he's beautiful and that he's not trash, and while Komaeda still has a difficult time digesting those words of kindness, he still appreciates them very much.
Naegi also said that he loves him, and for someone like him, that’s already a very, very big deal. Naegi is so kind to him, too kind… in fact, he even went out of his way to listen to Komaeda’s worries. Komaeda didn’t really want to confide in him. Not because he didn’t trust Naegi—no, of course not, he trusts Naegi with his entire life—but because he didn’t want to be a bother.
He can still remember that time.
Naegi just suddenly held his hand out of the blue and looked him in the eyes. “Komaeda-kun… I want you to confide in me. I want to hear your thoughts. I want to know everything about you.”
“…Why?” Komaeda can remember blushing that time… not like that’s not a given when it comes to Naegi. “I-I mean… it’s not like there's a problem… everything’s going well, actually. Especially since Naegi-kun is with me.”
Naegi smiles, looking almost embarrassed. “Thank you… but see, I'm not comfortable with the fact that you haven’t confided in me yet. It makes me feel useless. I want to help you.”
“You're not useless at all, Naegi-kun… Just by being with me, touching me like this, telling me that you care about me… those kind gestures are already enough, you know…”
“I know that you appreciate those very much, but still…” Naegi squeezes his hand softly. “…I want to help you with the best of my abilities. I'm always told that I comfort people well, but I think that doesn’t matter if I can’t comfort you, Komaeda-kun.”
“But your presence enough is already comforting.” Komaeda remembers saying that, but he also knows that he blushed even more while replying that time. “…Still, alright. I will grant Naegi-kun’s wishes. I also do want you to know everything about me, but are you sure that it won’t be a bother?”
Naegi’s smile widens even more, and it was so contagious for Komaeda. “You'll never be bothersome, Komaeda-kun. You're the most important person of all.”
Komaeda would argue normally, but Naegi looked so sincere when he said that. That time (and this time actually, while Komaeda is recalling it), his heart suddenly accelerated, and he just knew that he will love to do anything for Naegi, anything at all.
He told Naegi everything. About his luck cycle, his parents, the kidnapper, even his dog… and Naegi understood. Naegi understood everything. He always does. And his voice and touch on Komaeda’s hand felt so, so comforting.
Now that Komaeda has remembered this again, he tells himself for another time that keeping quiet and not talking to his classmates is just a small thing compared to everything that Naegi has done for him. Naegi loved him, listened to him, understood him…
Komaeda immediately regrets even thinking that this is wrong, and his thoughts quiet down as he falls asleep.
--
That tree where he had his first lunch with both Naegi and Hinata became the place where Naegi and he usually hang out. It was a comfortable place to be, actually. For some reason, there aren’t bugs in the area, and it always was neither too cool nor too warm in that place.
Naegi was lying down on his lap, reading a book, when he finds himself asking about that yet again. “Hey, Naegi-kun… Sorry if you think I'm being rude, but… I don’t think I already asked. Why did you want me to avoid my classmates?”
Naegi puts down the book on his own lap and looks up at Komaeda, and Komaeda’s heart skips a beat again. Naegi frowns sadly, and Komaeda was already thinking about how to apologize. “As I thought… that really was too much to ask, huh? I'm so sorry, Komaeda-kun.”
“No, no, it’s okay, I'm sorry.” Komaeda runs his hand through Naegi’s hair. “I'm really sorry. It’s okay, really. I'm just genuinely curious as to why. You're far too better than me… and I can’t reason in your level, so I had to ask… but it’s okay, you don’t have to answer that, now that I think about it.”
“I'm just scared that they’ll take you away.” Naegi lifts his hand and reaches to touch Komaeda’s cheek. “You guys are in the same classroom, and I'm not there. I feel so jealous of them.”
Komaeda touches the hand on his cheek. “But Naegi-kun… I already said that there's nothing to be jealous about… I realized when I was thinking though, if this is what will make you feel comfortable, then I guess I shouldn’t complain.”
“I should be thinking of your comfort too.” Naegi retracts his hand. “I'm being so selfish, making you do things like that… Don’t worry, it’s not going to be like that for all time. I think I just wanted a little reassurance. Thank you, Komaeda-kun.”
Komaeda is starting to get the notion that he probably isn’t being a good enough lover. Maybe he wasn’t expressing his feelings well. Considering that someone like Naegi… someone as kind and great as Naegi feels this way… Komaeda must be doing something wrong.
He closes his eyes and presses his lips on Naegi’s forehead. This is the last time he’ll question any of Naegi’s wishes.
--
“Hey, hey.” A girl stands beside him one time when he was waiting for Naegi to go out the classroom. Komaeda knows the girl, of course. She's Naegi’s classmate, and he knows everyone in Hope’s Peak… including their Super High School Level Talents, except for Hinata because of obvious reasons. This girl is Enoshima Junko, the Super High School Level Fashionista. If Komaeda were to be painfully honest, he wasn’t very comfortable around her. He isn’t very sure about the reason yet, but he can’t deny that the discomfort was there.
“Hey.” Enoshima repeats the greeting, waving a hand in front of his face. He realizes that he has been staring, and he puts on an apologetic smile. “You're Naegi-kun’s boyfriend, aren’t you?”
The question caught Komaeda off guard, and he finds himself blushing. “…I think so.”
“You think so?” She crosses her arms. “What, aren’t you official or something? Oh, my, is Naegi-kun just playing with you?” She pauses, and Komaeda’s discomfort grows even more. “Oh, wait, that’s impossible. Naegi-kun can never do something like that. Am I right?”
“Yes… I mean, he's very kind, and to top it off, he's—”
“The Super High School Level Hope, yeah, right.” Enoshima rolls her eyes, and Komaeda just feels more agitated. She looks like she's sharing a private joke with herself somehow. “Man, it sure would suck if he turns out to be not as good as he appears to be, but don’t worry, I’d know. We’re classmates, after all. He's a very, very nice cutiepatootie.”
“Cutiepatootie…”
“Which brings me to the next question. What if you're the one who's just playing with him? That will be really horribly despair-inducing.”
“What, no!” Komaeda makes a face. “That’s unspeakable, Enoshima-san. I can never do something like that to Naegi-kun…”
“I know, I know. Relax, lover boy.” Enoshima pats his shoulder, and he feels the need to inch back. “I was just making a little fun. What happened to your sense of humor?”
Before he can respond, Naegi goes out the classroom, and Komaeda felt thankful somehow. “Hey, Komaeda-kun, sorry I made you wait!” Naegi was smiling even as he turns to the girl beside Komaeda. “Enoshima-san, you're still needed inside, you know. Why did you go out quickly?”
“I wanted to talk to Komaeda-kun here.” She returns the smile. “See ya, master of the world.”
She returns to the classroom, and Komaeda follows her retreating figure with his eyes. Master of the world? He guesses that there's probably an inside joke that he isn’t aware about. Because really, that doesn’t seem like a nickname that can be taken at face value. That probably is the most unfitting nickname that one can give Naegi.
“What did she talk to you about?” Naegi asks as they walk away from the classroom.
“Nothing, really… Just asked if we’re in a relationship.”
Naegi giggles, and that sound just never fails to refresh Komaeda. “Silly Enoshima-san. Of course we are. She didn’t… say anything weird, did she?”
“Well…” Komaeda doesn’t even know how to reply properly. “She just joked about the possibility that we may be playing with each other, but rest assured, Naegi-kun… I’ll never do anything like that.”
“Should I talk to her?” Naegi sounded worried, causing Komaeda to shake his head as a response. “I didn’t want her to talk to you actually. She might tell you some things. Not to speak ill of Enoshima-san or anything, I mean, we’re classmates, so of course I'm fond of her, but still, she gets a little… problematic sometimes.”
“No, it’s okay. I'm sure she was just joking.” Komaeda’s discomfort starts to ease out. “Please do tell me if you feel like I'm being an inadequate partner, by the way. Naegi-kun is too nice, so he might just feel like doting on me, so please don’t…”
“You're perfect the way you are, Komaeda-kun.”
Perfect… Komaeda looks up, not realizing that he was staring at the floor already. He faces Naegi who was looking at him with fondness and sincerity, and Komaeda feels the need to smile. He thinks that he's probably quite far from perfect, but the fact that Naegi thinks so… it just makes him feel so flattered.
“Tell me honestly…” Naegi speaks again, and Komaeda listens up. “…Did she make you feel uncomfortable?”
“Well…” Komaeda nods, sheepish. He didn’t really want to admit something like that, seeing as she's Naegi’s classmate and friend. “But as I said, it’s really alright, Naegi-kun. She was just joking, and it’s my fault for being affected so quickly.”
Komaeda’s not going to mention the fact that her presence itself feels unsettling and putrid.
“No, never apologize for what you're feeling, Komaeda-kun.” Naegi reaches out and tangles his pinky finger with Komaeda’s. “If it’s alright with you, can you stop going over to my classroom then? I don’t want to give her more opportunities to make you uncomfortable.”
“It’s really okay… and besides, I like picking you up, Naegi-kun. It’s the least I could do for you.”
“I’ll pick you up instead.” Naegi stops walking and faces him. “Alright?”
Komaeda sighs. He feels like he's bothering Naegi too much already. Naegi is just too nice, and he's willing to go out of his way just to do kind things for Komaeda. “Thank you. You're doing so much for me already, Naegi-kun. If you need anything, just… tell me. Please.”
Naegi smiles at that, and Komaeda was happy that he can cause that at least. “I will, Komaeda-kun.”
--
“Hey, you're back.” Hinata greets him, looking up from a book like usual. Komaeda has noticed that Hinata is actually quite studious. He usually had a book or notebook in his hand when he's in the dorm. For some reason, Komaeda gets the feeling that Hinata is pushing himself even harder than the usual though, but Komaeda doesn’t really know anything. “Still not up for talking?”
Komaeda doesn’t reply, and Hinata didn’t really look surprised anymore. He goes straight to his bed, like the usual, and Hinata follows him to sit on the edge again. He places a hand on Komaeda’s head again just like that time before speaking. “Look, I’ll get tired of bugging you too, but today is not that day. Can you just tell me what's up?”
He still doesn’t reply. Hinata lets out a sigh. “Rude. Alright, I’ll just be here when you're finally in the mood to talk, Komaeda.”
The room quiets down, but Komaeda doesn’t hear Hinata getting up from his bed. He peeks out from the blanket curiously, only to find out that Hinata was still looking at him, after all. They make eye contact, and Komaeda hides under the blanket again.
“I saw that.” Hinata spoke. “I'm not gonna lie. You ignoring me upset me, but I'm doing my best to understand you. Though we both know that I’ll understand you even more if you actually, you know, talk.”
Naegi-kun just needs a bit of reassurance. This won’t be forever. Komaeda chanted in his head. I should just do my part.
If only he was good enough, Naegi wouldn’t have to feel that way. If only he knew how to express his gratitude and love for Naegi in a much more effective manner, Naegi wouldn’t have to tell him to do this. If only, if only, if only.
He wonders what Naegi sees in him.
--
“Hey, Komaeda, you're going out today?” Hinata calls out to him. He wonders why Hinata keeps on talking to him despite knowing that he won’t respond. “Look, even if you don’t plan to reply, I know you can hear me, so… Can you buy small trash bags that can fit our room’s trash can? We’re running out.”
Komaeda doesn’t talk, but he takes mental note of that. As he was going out, he heard Hinata saying a loud ‘thank you’ before he closed the door behind him.
Komaeda doesn’t really know why he's going out today. He normally stays in the dorm during weekends unless Naegi invites him out, and Naegi didn’t do that today. He sighs. Actually, he does know. It’s because it will be too awkward for him to stay there with Hinata without talking at all.
He pulls out his phone as he walks. He doesn’t like questioning Naegi, and he does know that what's being asked from him are just small things, but he doesn’t know why he just keeps on feeling like there's something wrong somehow.
‘Naegi-kun, I'm so sorry.’ He types out. He contemplates just deleting it and not sending anything, but he shakes that thought off. ‘I'm starting to feel bad for Hinata-kun. He's always talking to me even if I don’t respond. Please reply.’
Naegi’s reply was fast, almost as if it arrived as soon as Komaeda sent his message. That simple gesture enough made Komaeda feel valued, and he wondered if that’s how shallow he actually is. ‘Sorry :( Just a bit more? I believe in you, Komaeda-kun. I know you can do it.’
‘Thank you, I’ll do my best.’
He decides to send a follow-up smiley before pocketing his phone. He shouldn’t trample on Naegi’s belief in him. The fact that Naegi, the Super High School Level Hope, hope in human form, believes in him—that’s such a great privilege.
He steels his resolve once again.
It’s because he's incompetent. That’s why he gets these doubts sometimes. He doesn’t know how many times he has said this to himself, but this is the last time.
--
“Thank you, please come again!” The lady in the cashier looked so cheerful, almost as if she genuinely enjoys what she's doing. Komaeda returns her smile before exiting the store, a cloth bag full of, well, trash bags, in hand. This is the first thing that he did, and the day is far from over. He used to go out alone probably back then, and he doesn’t know why that felt like it was a very long time ago.
He thought of what he did during those times. He can remember going to the public library, get a book that looks promising, and just lose himself in the fictional world that he happened to grab. Right, that was an effective way to pass the time. Reading has always been comforting to him, and he can’t remember a single time it let him down.
“Oh, you're out alone today?” Komaeda hears a familiar female voice, and he wishes he just didn’t. He looks up to see no one but the Super High School Level Fashionista, Enoshima Junko, alone, just like himself. “Where's Naegi-kun?”
“I'm not sure.” Komaeda felt obligated to give a small smile. “He's probably in the dorm. It’s weekend, after all.”
She hums. “Why didn’t you ask him to go with you, Komaeda-kun?”
“I didn’t want to bother him. And besides, it’s not like I plan to stay long. I just needed to grab some trash bags for my dorm room.”
She nods, her eyes darting over to the cloth bag in Komaeda’s hand. “Right, right, speaking of dorm rooms… your roommate is…” She pauses for a while, as if collecting her thoughts. “Right. Hinata Hajime, isn’t it?”
“Yes, that’s correct. Did Naegi-kun tell you?”
“He sure did! About that Hinata-kun, do you know his Super High School Level Talent?”
Komaeda shakes his head. “Didn’t Enoshima-san hear? It’s a secret protected by the academy.”
“Yeah, yeah, of course I know that. Silly Komaeda-kun.” She twirls a part of her hair as she speaks. “Doesn’t it make you so, so curious though? If I told you that I know, would you want to hear?”
That actually made Komaeda think for a while. It’s true that he's curious about Hinata’s talent, but he doesn’t think he's in the position to find a way to somehow know about it especially if it’s a grand secret of Hope’s Peak. Who is he to do something like that?
But if he can find out now… if he can find out now just by asking, then…
Enoshima interrupts his thought process with a soft laugh. “Come on, Komaeda-kun. Did you really have to think so hardly about it? The only question that you have to answer is…” Her voice feels like it’s directly ringing outside Komaeda’s ears for some reason. “Do you want to know?”
“…Yes, I do, but—”
“Then that’s it! Hinata-kun’s talent is—”
“Please wait a second!”
Enoshima just laughs again. “Silly, so silly! It’s not like I really wanted to tell you! Matsuda-kun will probably get mad at me if I do!”
Komaeda really doesn’t know if he should feel relieved or disappointed.
“But here is one thing that I can tell you.” No, Komaeda really wouldn’t mind if she just doesn’t speak again. “There's someone else you can ask about it. Want to know who, Komaeda-kun? Want to know who?”
Komaeda doesn’t reply because really, how is he supposed to?
“I'm sure you do! Surprise, it’s Naegi-kun! You can ask Naegi-kun about it. He knows a lot, that cutiepatootie sure does!” As if making sure to punctuate her sentence with a laugh, she lets out a loud one. “Oh, well, well, I didn’t want to keep you from your plans for today, Komaeda-kun! I suppose we should part for now! Bye, bye!”
She goes, leaving an endless string of questions in Komaeda’s mind.
--
The sight of Hinata looking up from a book is getting more and more familiar with each day. “Hey, welcome back. Thanks for getting those bags.”
Just a little bit more. I believe in you. That’s what Komaeda chanted in his head as he did the usual which is going to his bed and wrapping himself with a blanket. He wasn’t surprised when he heard Hinata getting up from his seat because that is a usual happening too.
What isn’t usual this evening is his phone ringing out of the blue just before he can wrap himself with the blanket, and he hears that Hinata stopped, startled as well. He gives Hinata a look before fishing his phone from his pocket.
It was Naegi, needless to say. There was no one else who would call him, after all.
“Hello?” Komaeda answers. “Naegi-kun?”
He sees Hinata returning to his chair and opening a book after that… probably leaving him to his privacy. Komaeda appreciates the gesture very much. It would be too awkward if Hinata decides to just sit there on his bed while he's talking to someone on the phone.
“Hey, Komaeda-kun. I'm so glad you picked up.” There was Naegi’s soft voice.
“Did you need something, Naegi-kun?”
“I just wanted to check on you.” Naegi lets out an airy chuckle. “Because see… I heard from Enoshima-san that she bumped into you today. I just wanted to know if things are going alright? Did she say anything weird again?”
“Ah, about that…” His eyes dart over to Hinata who has resumed reading quietly. “Can we talk about it tomorrow instead?”
“But I want to know now… Is that not alright?”
“It’s not that it’s not alright. It’s just that…” Komaeda gets up from his bed even if he wasn’t sitting for long yet. He feels Hinata looking up from his book again, but he supposes that maybe that was just his imagination. He walks to the door and exits, observing the area. Nobody else seems to be around, so he decides that it’s okay to speak finally. “…It’s not really weird, per se. It just got my attention, I think.”
“What is it?” Naegi sounded so worried. Komaeda feels really guilty.
“Well, she just…” Komaeda looks around one last time. “She just told me that you were aware of Hinata-kun’s talent. That’s not a really weird thing, I just got a little too curious as to how you found out, haha… but then again, considering that you're Naegi-kun—”
Naegi laughs, interrupting him. “Enoshima-san was just kidding. I don’t know about Hinata-kun’s talent at all. If anything, it’s probably her who's aware? I mean, considering her relation with Matsuda-kun… Ah, you do know that they're a couple, right?”
“Ah, so it was a joke.” Komaeda lightly chuckles again. “I really am so silly. I got so worked up over something that isn’t even true.”
“You were that curious about it, huh?” If Naegi were here beside him at the moment, he’d probably be running his hand through Komaeda’s hair. “Sorry about Enoshima-san, by the way. I really should tell her to stop telling you things that make you uncomfortable… I'm so sorry.”
“No, it’s alright. It’s not your fault, you know.” Komaeda laughs again as a way to reassure Naegi. “To be honest, I… I wasn’t really unsettled about what she said. It’s just that…” He pauses, and Naegi patiently waits. Naegi is always so patient… “It’s her presence Naegi-kun, haha. No wonder how weird that sounds. I didn’t really want to tell you because she's your friend, and I feel horrible saying something like that about someone close to you.”
“Komaeda-kun.” Komaeda can hear the smile in Naegi’s voice and it melts him so much. “I know she's close to me, but you should know that you're the closest one, you know. You're very important to me, Komaeda-kun, so I won’t mind if you tell me anything.”
Komaeda closes his eyes, letting the cool breeze of the night and Naegi’s voice comfort him. “You're very nice… I don’t deserve it.”
“No one deserves it if you don’t.” His voice is just so gentle, always so gentle. “Anyway, I understand what you mean about Enoshima-san’s presence. It gets kind of unsettling, huh?”
“Unsettling, yes, that’s the word...” Komaeda agrees. “But I have no good reason to feel that way. It’s not like she's doing anything wrong.”
“I’ll still talk to her.” Naegi concludes. “Anyway, that’s all. Did I bother you? I was just worried, I'm sorry.”
“No, it’s alright. I wasn’t really doing anything…” Komaeda giggles. “I'm sorry for worrying you, Naegi-kun.”
“Sleep well tonight.”
“You too…”
“Oh, and Komaeda-kun?”
“Yes?”
“Please don’t go out without telling me. Bye. Love you.”
--
“So that’s it.” Hinata speaks when he enters the room, not even looking up from his book anymore. “It was obvious, and I'm being stupid, but yes, obviously, of course you still talk to Naegi.”
Komaeda decides to just go straight to his bed, and Hinata stands up from where he's sitting. He wonders if he's slow, or Hinata is just fast, but the next thing he knew is that Hinata is blocking his way to the bed. “Look, I'm not going to let you off tonight without talking to me.”
Just a little bit more?
Komaeda steps to the side, but Hinata copies his movement. “Komaeda, what the hell is wrong with you? Did we do anything?”
He decides to just avert his gaze. Surely Hinata will get tired too. Any minute now… “Look, I don’t know if you can see that there's something wrong with what you're doing. Is that it, huh, Komaeda? Because you’ve finally found your Super High School Level Hope, you decided that we all aren’t worth—”
“Hinata-kun.” Komaeda finally looks at him, and Hinata immediately shuts up, visibly surprised. “Don’t.”
Hinata opens his mouth to say something but closes it. All he did was shake his head slowly as if in disbelief. Thinking that Hinata probably is satisfied already, Komaeda tries to walk to the bed again, but Hinata still blocks him off, touching his shoulder with a hand this time.
“What do you mean by that?” Hinata asks, still with that disbelieving expression in his face. “You think you can just ignore me and say nothing but ‘don’t’ when you finally speak? Komaeda, what happened? We weren’t like this. We used to be…” He pauses, as if looking for proper words. “…close? We used to be close. Right? Back then, it was always the two of us together. But then, you…”
He covers his face with a hand, sighing loudly. Komaeda thought that this is probably a good time to proceed to the bed, but for some reason, he didn’t move from his place. Hinata finally looks at him again, tired. “Look, don’t misunderstand. I have absolutely nothing against your relationship with Naegi, no, of course not. That’s not what I'm being salty about. I'm legit happy for you. He likes you, you like him, he seems like a great guy, that’s really awesome. But do you really have to… do you really have to…” He makes hand gestures, as if not sure what to say next.
“Do you really have to forget about me?”
He places a hand on Hinata’s, the one placed on his shoulder. Hinata closes his eyes, as if relishing his touch. Komaeda feels guilty, so guilty, but he has to steel himself. He has to do this. He slowly removes Hinata’s hand from his shoulder, and Hinata doesn’t even resist. “Not now, Hinata-kun.”
“What do you mean by that?” Hinata squeezes his hand. “Why can’t I understand you anymore? Have we drifted that far apart, Komaeda?”
Komaeda wanted to reply.
He really did.
But it’s as if isolating himself on purpose finally took its toll on him. It suddenly felt difficult to think of something to say, it suddenly felt natural to just not speak, it suddenly felt easier to just walk over his bed and wrap himself with that familiarly comfortable blanket.
That’s why he chose to walk past Hinata. Hinata didn’t try to stop him anymore, but Komaeda was sure that he saw a very visible look of disappointment and hurt in his face.
--
“Naegi-kun.” Komaeda says one time when they were in that courtyard again. Naegi pats on his lap, and Komaeda lays his head carefully on it. “I just… wanted to open something to you.”
“Anything, of course.” Naegi replies as he runs a hand through Komaeda’s hair. “What is it?”
Komaeda sighs. He can’t believe that he's going to admit this. It shouldn’t even matter to him. “…You know. I think I'm losing my friends.”
Naegi doesn’t reply, as if inviting him to continue. “I mean… it’s not like I was really overly close to my classmates even before, but I think now, they're really not pleased with my behavior. And the one that I worry about the most…”
“…is Hinata-kun.” Naegi ends the sentence for him, and Komaeda nods, feeling sheepish. “I know, you guys are best friends, after all.”
“I'm so sorry.” Komaeda whispers. “It’s my fault why you're feeling jealous of him, why you're being wary of everyone else. If only I were a better partner to you, you wouldn’t need to feel those things. I'm really sorry that you were stuck with someone like me, Naegi-kun.”
“Shhh.” Naegi leans down and plants a kiss on his forehead. “You can go back to normal. Talk to them if you want. Go out whenever you want as well.”
“Are you sure, Naegi-kun?” Naegi is too kind. He's even willing to sacrifice his own comfort for Komaeda’s. Komaeda shakes his head lightly, making sure to be careful so it won’t cause a too uncomfortable sensation on Naegi’s lap. “I mean… I didn’t really mind. It’s okay…”
“No, I insist.” Naegi sounds apologetic. Oh, no, he shouldn’t feel that way. Komaeda feels so horrible. It’s not Naegi’s fault at all. “I was just trying to see how much you love me… alright?”
So he was right. He really wasn’t expressing it enough. Why can’t he just do anything right for once? Someone with subpar vocabulary like him—he doesn’t know how to tell Naegi how much he loves him, how much he's willing to do absolutely anything for him.
Avoiding his friends for Naegi, avoiding his best friend for Naegi—sure, he admittedly felt uncomfortable doing so, but he tried his best, didn’t he? He at least tried that. But his best probably is still not enough because it led to this. It led to Naegi agreeing that Komaeda can just disregard his simple wishes.
Komaeda has always been looking for hope, and he regarded it as the best thing in the world. He knows that it’s only proper if he dedicates his life to it.
That’s how it has always been.
He thinks he finally found the proper way to tell Naegi how much he meant to him. He sits up and moves besides Naegi, making sure to put on the best smile that he can manage. Naegi returns his smile, just like always, and he feels that familiar warmth in his cheeks. He leans forward, wrapping his arms around Naegi, and speaks with the firmest resolve that he's capable of doing. “I love you very much… I-I’ll even die for you if you want me to.”
Those are just simple sentences, but he hopes that he was able to successfully send his message across. He feels Naegi’s arms returning his embrace. “You don’t have to do anything like that.”
Komaeda closes his eyes. Somehow, he feels really comfortable.
“Komaeda-kun, the fact that you were able to put up with not speaking to them for so long…” Naegi continues. “…and to top it off, you did that for me… You were thinking about me, thinking about my comfort. I'm really flattered. I mean it.”
Komaeda pulls away, and he felt even more refreshed upon seeing Naegi smiling at him. “Those are small things compared to what you do for me, Naegi-kun. You always know what to say, you always understand, it’s, like, I don’t even need words with you. I’ll just… sit with you. And somehow, you'll understand.”
Naegi holds his hand as he continues speaking. “My thoughts probably are too simplistic for you. I'm sure you can predict and understand them already even if I'm not yet done speaking. I know I don’t need to explain everything in detail because you'll get it no matter what. But despite all these… despite all these, you let me finish speaking my thoughts. In fact, you encourage me to tell you more. You want me to vent to you, you want to understand me even more so than you already do… You're always there for me.”
Naegi just shakes his head, still with a smile. “I'm doing it for myself too, you know. Because see…” He tightens his hold on Komaeda’s hand. “When Komaeda-kun is happy, I'm happy too.”
Naegi was too good, too perfect. Komaeda knows that this good luck is far too great. He was actually expecting something incredibly horrible to happen to him in compensation for this privilege, but for some reason, good things just continue on happening.
He hopes that once the bad luck finally kicks in, he would be able to bear with it.