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There was actually a time when Hinata came so close to confessing.
He can remember that day really clearly because up until now, he doesn’t really know if he regrets backing out or not. It felt like such a good idea that time—confessing, that is—but it seems that that wasn’t enough for Hinata to actually grow a pair.
Thinking like this, he thinks that maybe he regrets it, after all. He usually finds himself wondering about what could have been, what could have happened, if only he hadn’t chickened out. Sometimes, he thinks dwelling in the past is stupid, but most of the time, he lets himself daydream, and every time he does, it also feels like drinking a free dose of daily self-hate.
Komaeda could have returned his feelings once upon a time for all he knew. The idea that there was no one else available except himself back then is always drilling itself in his mind. What if Komaeda would have accepted his confession if only Hinata pushed through that time? What if, if he hadn’t been such a pansy, he could be the one in Naegi’s place right now?
Naegi hadn’t been around that time. He wasn’t around for a year. Hinata could have, Hinata and Komaeda could have—
Fuck that.
That certain day, he told someone else for the first time that he liked Komaeda. It was one of the rare times (It was rare back then. Hinata couldn’t say the same thing about the present) that he actually was hanging out with someone without Komaeda around.
He can’t really remember why they have been apart that day in the first place, but what he knew was that instead of Komaeda, he has been with Souda instead. The conversation was mostly dominated by Souda—alternating between talking about machines and Sonia—and Hinata can actually tolerate that. That was how usual conversations with Souda went anyway, but then that day, he suddenly inserted a new topic that actually took Hinata aback.
“Hey, Hinata, one thing I know for sure is that you don’t like Sonia-san that way, but now that I think about it, I never actually asked who you specifically like.” Hinata remembers feeling like his heart stopped working when the impending question registered in his mind.
They shared a rather awkward silence after Souda delivered his indirect query. He was looking at Hinata with anticipating and almost mischievous eyes, and Hinata knew that that time, he didn’t really want to answer the question.
“No, I'm not telling.” Hinata can actually remember that that was his initial reply.
But they both know that with Souda’s persistence, Hinata’s resolve won’t really last long.
After probably a hundred nudges to Hinata’s waist with Souda’s elbow, Hinata finally turned to face him, but not before swatting Souda’s arm away. “Fine. I'm going to tell you. Just fucking stop nudging me.”
“Alright!” Souda grinned, his eyes looking like they're shining in excitement. “I'm listening, Hinata!”
Hinata makes sure to look around the entire place. He wonders if maybe this was actually the decision that he regretted during this time. “Alright, if you tell anyone, forget about us being ‘soul friends’.”
“Aw, come on! Do you think I'm the type to betray a soul friend?”
Hinata decides to not answer that question. “Okay, look. I don’t know if this is obvious enough already, but it’s…” He can remember the sensation of his own mouth closing seemingly by itself.
Souda never stopped looking at him expectantly even when he paused. If anything, his eagerness seems to have increased.
“Fine. It’s Komaeda.”
Souda covers his mouth, his eyes widening. Hinata can’t say that he didn’t expect that reaction. But hey, seriously, why not? Komaeda’s actually hella good-looking. He doesn’t know why his classmates don’t seem to address that… well, except Hanamura, he addresses Komaeda’s attractiveness, but he doesn’t count.
“Alright, can we get over the shock now?” Hinata rolls his eyes. “I swear, if you tell anyone—”
Souda puts down his hand, and his expression returns to a not-surprised state actually quite fast. “Yeah, I'm actually faking. You're right, it’s hella obvious.”
“What!?” It was Hinata’s turn to look surprised, but he knows that he's not going to claim that he's faking any moment soon. He can feel his whole face burning, and he was so glad nobody seems to be around. “What do you mean by that!?”
“Well…” Souda scratches his head. “I meant exactly what I said. It’s really obvious.”
“Alright, look, when I said that it’s probably obvious, I wasn’t really expecting you to agree.”
“Yeah, but you're actually always eyeing him with that…” Souda makes hand gestures, but Hinata doesn’t get his point. “You know, that proud look that moms give to their children in intelligence commercials?”
“What the actual fuck?”
“Alright, I know that comparison sounds weird in more ways than one, but it’s accurate, you know. Those moms are so glad their kids exist, and you kinda look like that when looking at Komaeda.”
“…I don’t like Komaeda like a mom would like her kid.”
“I know! Damn, I'm not good at this! But my point is that you look so damn happy just looking at him, you know, breathing? Whatever. I don’t care if you get my point, but whatever.”
“I actually… kinda get it now.” Hinata mutters, his embarrassment growing even more. “But alright, let’s leave that topic, it’s getting too awkward for me.”
“Nah! You think I'm gonna let you off the hook that fast? Why haven’t you confessed yet?”
“That’s not your business.”
“Hell yeah, it is! You're my soul friend, so your romantic troubles are mine too!”
“Alright… That sounds fake, but alright.”
“Man! Look, just confess! I'm pretty sure he feels the same way, you know.”
“Really?” Hinata remembers asking innocently that time.
“Yup. Look, you guys automatically pair off when our class is given pair tasks. You know who else does that? Kuzuryuu and Pekoyama. And we all know that those two have a thing for each other.”
Hinata knows that he blushed even more at the fact that he and Komaeda got compared to Kuzuryuu and Pekoyama. “Besides, you guys are roommates, man! Why haven’t you made a move—”
“No!”
“Why not? Look, don’t hate me for this, but he actually has a fine ass—”
“One more word and I'm going to burn your favorite screwdriver.”
“I know you can’t do that, but okay, okay, I get your point.” Souda clears his throat. “Okay, so you also notice how he's always like ‘I'm ready to help you anytime, Hinata-san!’ and other variants of that?”
“…I'm pretty sure he doesn’t call me Hinata-san.”
“Don’t sweat the details! The point is that I'm ninety-nine percent sure that he's into you as well.”
“What happened to that remaining one percent?”
“Hahaaa,” Souda scratches his head again. “Well, I have to have a margin of error.”
Hinata breathes deeply, the things that Souda said ringing in his mind. This is the damn reason why confessing sounded so much like a good idea that day.
--
Hey, to be fair, ninety-nine percent is really high.
That was what Hinata told himself while he was lying down on their room’s top bunk that evening. Komaeda was on his own bed, the lower bunk, and Hinata’s mind soon wanders to ways how he can confess his feelings and not suck at it.
It wouldn’t be good if he just suddenly blurt it out of nowhere, would it? Hinata doesn’t really know much about this, but should he do something like a really elaborate and sweet surprise? Like maybe blindfolding Komaeda and leading him to a room full of flowers—
Argh, no, that’s stupid.
Maybe he can ask for all of Koizumi’s pictures of Komaeda and himself… then maybe put together a pretty scrapbook… Maybe ask tips from Mioda regarding writing a good song… Invite him to dinner? Invite him to stargazing?
Nothing sounds correct for some reason.
Hinata turns and faces the wall, scratching his head. “…Komaeda?” He softly calls out. Alright, this is it. If Komaeda is up right now, he's going to confess. But if he's not, then Hinata wouldn’t. And Hinata is sure as hell that Komaeda probably slept already—
“Hinata-kun?” Oh, my god.
Hinata just wants to scratch his head even more. Maybe if he does it enough, something nice will happen. “I, uh…” He stupidly starts. You're so great, Hajime. So, so great. Even his thoughts are mocking him, not like that’s unusual. “…wanted to ask you something for a while now.”
“What is it?” Komaeda replies fast, and that fact only puts pressure on Hinata to do the same.
“There's this… uh, friend.” Hinata pathetically pulls out a very lame and used excuse. He wonders if he should continue speaking. He already started this, and stopping midway will just be really awkward… unless he can believably lie and say tomorrow morning that he actually fell asleep, but he isn’t really good at lying. “I like them very much… Do you think I should confess?”
Alright. Smooth. Very careful.
“Hmm…” Komaeda paused for a short moment. “I'm not knowledgeable when it comes to things like this, and I don’t think I know enough… but if Hinata-kun wants to confess, I think it’s okay? You're an amazing person, Hinata-kun, so I'm sure they’ll be flattered.”
Komaeda’s reply just amplified Hinata’s nervousness and expectations even more.
You're an amazing person, Hinata-kun.
I'm ninety-nine percent sure he's into you.
I'm pretty sure he feels the same way.
Hinata can hear his heartbeat in his ears. It was faster than the usual, faster than it ever been. He lifts his hands to stare at them, and he confirms the suspicion that they're indeed shaking. Is this how nervous he is? Unbelievable.
“…Really?” That was all he managed. He felt like his voice will crack if he forces himself to say something longer.
“Uh-huh.” There was Komaeda’s simple and honest answer. He probably doesn’t even realize how much his words are affecting Hinata.
“I-If you were in the situation…” Oh, no, his voice is indeed trembling. He hopes Komaeda doesn’t address it. “I mean… if you were the one who'll receive a confession… how would you want it to go?”
Alright. Totally not suspicious at all. It’s an innocent and simply curious question. Nothing but that.
“I really think there's a better person to ask regarding topics like this, Hinata-kun, but I’ll answer anyway.” Believe me, you're the best person to ask. “If it were me, I think it’ll be okay if I just receive a simple confession. Just a simple ‘I like you’ is enough, I guess… but hm, wait, I think I’ll be wondering why they even liked someone like me in the first place… or maybe I’ll think it’s a prank…”
Hinata actually contemplates that. Just listening to Komaeda speak like that with his soft and comforting voice, saying ‘I like you’ doesn’t sound too difficult. Komaeda’s voice really is magical. It can trick Hinata into thinking that confessing is a simple walk in the park.
How difficult was it to say ‘I like you’ anyway?
Komaeda speaks again, interrupting his contemplation. “Haha, now that I think more hardly about it, this is a bit complicated, after all… I mean, I can’t really imagine anyone liking me, but who knows, maybe I’ll believe them if they say it so seriously? But wait, I'm sure the person that Hinata-kun likes is nothing like me. They're probably impressive and they know it, so I don’t think you won’t even have to worry about an issue like this.”
If Hinata were to choose a point to disagree with from Komaeda’s statement, he wouldn’t know where to start.
Can’t really imagine anyone liking me.
Is nothing like me.
Impressive and they know it.
You won’t even have to worry.
“It’s you, Komaeda!” Hinata yelled. Or at least he liked to think that he did.
The truth is he wasn’t able to say anything. He paused for so long yet again because he really doesn’t know how to reply. If he wants to blurt it out, now is probably the best time. He can say a simple ‘It’s actually you, I like you’ or ‘The friend I'm talking about is you’… something like that.
That doesn’t sound difficult, but for some reason, his mouth won’t move. Yeah, sorry, he can’t say it, after all.
“What do you mean?”
Hinata felt the heat leaving his body. He felt like his entire being suddenly froze. Did he say that out loud? “I-I mean…” Think of something! Quick! “…just thinking about it, yeah.” You don’t sound believable! “It sounds so difficult just thinking about it.”
“I’ll always be here to support you, Hinata-kun.” There goes Komaeda’s sweet voice again, and Hinata felt calmed as soon as he was agitated. Wonderful, indeed. Komaeda’s voice—no, Komaeda himself is truly wonderful.
“…You know.” Hinata closes his eyes. He doesn’t know why he feels like tearing up, but this is it. He's going to do it. “…I-I was talking about you actually. Komaeda… I like you.”
He breathed deeply.
He said it.
He actually said it.
It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say that he really had tears on the corner of his eyes that time. His hands were shaking more visibly, and he feels like throwing up—he doesn’t know if that part is true or if his mind is just playing tricks on him.
He was met with silence.
Maybe Komaeda was shocked. Maybe Komaeda was disgusted.
“H-Hey…” Hinata forced out. “Say something at least. I-It’s okay if you reject me.”
Still nothing.
Hinata’s heart is beating even faster. Is Komaeda ignoring him? He peeks at Komaeda from his bed, and he doesn’t know what to feel when he finally saw why Komaeda stopped replying in the first place.
Komaeda was there, wrapped in his favorite blanket, with a small smile on his face… fast asleep.
Hinata stared for a moment longer before the sight fully registered in his mind. He breathed deeply, unsure if he's feeling relieved or disappointed, and he felt the warmth slowly returning to his body. His hands’ shaking started to cease as well, and he returned to lying down on his bed.
It wasn’t that he chickened out completely.
He chickened out doing it fast enough.
Maybe he should feel saved.
Maybe he should feel doomed.
Well, he isn’t really sure, but he felt like he lost something that time.
--
“Good day, Hinata-kun.” There was this certain researcher in charge of ‘checking’ if Hinata's maintaining the expected grades from him. Hinata doesn’t feel comfortable around this researcher, if he were to be honest, not that he's comfortable around any of them.
He thought it was only because he didn’t like being stared at by older people, but there was this fellow student, the Super High School Level Neurologist, Matsuda Yasuke—even he makes Hinata feel uncomfortable as well.
But then again, it was also possible that the reason he felt uncomfortable was because they knew what he really is. Someone with no talent who bought his way to the academy, someone who just happened to be the best among the average ones (that isn’t really impressive), someone who doesn’t have remarkable abilities… someone pathetic.
“Hinata-kun, are you feeling well?” The researcher’s voice snaps him out from his self-critical thoughts. Hinata was thankful whenever someone does that, even if they never really intended to do so. He looks up to face the researcher, nodding as he closes the door behind him and takes the seat offered to him. “You seem in a world of your own.”
The researcher’s voice sounds so condescending, but Hinata tries to ignore that. “I'm okay. Sorry.”
The researcher raises an eyebrow at Hinata before turning his attention to the paper in his hand. He hums after a while, slowly nodding his head. “Your average lost 1.3947.”
It did. Hinata’s not going to deny that. But seriously? It’s not even more than two points.
“Your grade in Advanced Chemistry lost two points. Your grade in Computer lost seven points. Your grade in Economics lost one point.”
Hinata’s not going to lie—regularly meeting to discuss things he already knows about is probably the number one reason why he feels stressed out most of the time. He already knows, really. He knows when he decreased somewhere, and he doesn’t need it to be reiterated to him.
The researcher still decides to continue, even if Hinata is pretty sure that he already looks distressed at the moment. “Your grade in English lost three points. Your grade in Gym lost six points. Your grade in History lost one point.”
Hinata feels the urge to kick his report card from below, but he fights that urge. “Your grade in Music lost four points. Your grade in Physics lost six points. Your grade in Programming lost four points…” The researcher stops speaking, scanning the paper with his eyes again, probably looking for more decreasing scores. Hinata knows that’s the last one. “That’s all.”
Hinata never answered back before. He doesn’t understand why he should right now, and why it sounds so much like a great idea at the moment. “Not to be rude, sir, but aren’t you gonna address the fact that my grades in Computer, Economics, History, Music, and Physics used to be ninety-nine? I don’t know about you, but ninety-nine isn’t easy to maintain.”
The researcher lifts an eyebrow again, almost looking amused. Hinata understands why he would be. Again, Hinata never talked back before, after all. “I think you are in the wrong, Hinata-kun. You speak as if you have the right to be reconsidered. I think you are forgetting the state of affairs that you are in.”
“Believe me, sir, I never forget. I'm just a Reserve Course Student, I know, and I was mixed with the main course for whatever reason you guys have in mind. Look, if I actually have the natural ability to get ninety-nines everywhere then I probably wouldn’t even be from the Reserve Course in the first place.”
The researcher has a slight smirk on his face, and Hinata doesn’t understand why. He isn’t really the type to get violent, but he feels like throwing something at that face. “I know that you are treating Project Hope as your last resort because you think a… surgical procedure is too drastic, and you still are hoping at this moment in time that you will officially be transferred to the main course because of an unforeseen talent that will be revealed one way or another.”
“Yeah? And?” What the hell is this asshole getting at?
“That is more the reason why you have no right to protest.”
“Okay, excuse me, but you only addressed my decreasing grades. That’s another reason why I'm protesting. Look.” Hinata breathes deeply, trying to recall his scores that increased. “I gained four points in Algebra. I gained two points in Arts. I gained three points in Calculus.”
“Mathematics is not the gauge of intellect, Hinata-kun.”
“So are grades.” Hinata makes a face. “But wait, that’s not even my point. I also mentioned Arts. I gained two points in Arts. That’s not Math. Don’t ignore that.”
“Two points is not a large number when it comes to Arts. You in all probability merely were fortunate and managed to illustrate a decent piece that time.”
“Decent?” Hinata repeated. “No offense, but I actually got that ninety-nine that you loved so much. In Arts. You can even check it in that paper you're holding. I remember.”
“Ah, right, I remember as well.” The researcher clasped his hands together. “Your Arts teacher is… Usami-sensei. I heard that she gives high grades all the time. For all I know, ninety-nine is most likely the lowest.”
“That’s…” not wrong.
The researcher nods knowingly.
Hinata feels slightly defeated, but he's not going to back down. “Alright, but I got ninety-nine in Calculus as well. I know, you said that Math isn’t the gauge of intellect, but still. Getting a high grade in Math is no easy feat. You can’t deny that. Or you probably disagree because you're a researcher and all. But look, I'm neither a researcher nor a Super High School Level Talent. I'm just a Reserve Course Student.”
“Yes.” The researcher nods. “A turtle crossing ten centimeters within fifteen seconds is perhaps remarkable.”
“What are you trying to say!?”
“Nothing.” There was still that glint of amusement in his eyes, and Hinata isn’t pleased at all. “If your average increases next grading, we might thrash out an opportunity for you in the main course.”
“…Huh?” Hinata’s anger dissipated quite fast that it was almost unbelievable. “Y-You're serious?”
“I am.” The researcher accompanies his words with a nod. “So I guess it will be in your best interests to work even harder from this time forth.”
“Yes, but…” It felt better when he was angry and trying to retaliate earlier. Now he just feels weak. “Honestly, is my average still bad? I know it decreased, but it’s 95.08… That’s way better than the average agreed upon which was ninety-two.”
“95.0759, if I should be precise.” The researcher corrects. “Just score a tad higher. Even a genuine 95.08 will be fine. If you wish, it can even be 95.0760.”
Hinata sighs loudly as he massages his head. “…But why? I mean, no offense, but not even the Super High School Level Students are aiming to get an average as high as that. I think the only one I haven’t bested yet is…”
“That Super High School Level Good Luck boy.” The researcher nods again. “Komaeda Nagito-kun.”
“Alright, look. Komaeda is nothing like me. I'm, like, one hundred percent effort. As for him, he's really, really smart. I study every day, and he only studies the night before the exams. Despite that, he still gets higher grades than me.”
“Is that so?” The researcher nods. Hinata observes that he's doing that a lot today. “Right. You two are roommates, so you would be aware of each other’s study habits.”
“Yes, and I'm also well aware that I can’t top his grades.”
“But I have heard a little something.” Hinata finds himself listening closely in curiosity. “It seems that he showed up late for the practical exam of your Home Economics class. I also have heard that your teacher wasn’t very delighted about that.”
“Yeah… She gave him an automatic sixty-five.” Hinata can recall that time. He remembered asking why Komaeda was late, but Komaeda only said that it’s alright and never actually addressed the question. “But hello, that wasn’t fair. I know he would have gotten an excellent grade if he showed up on time.”
The researcher hums. “Well then, I also have heard that he was supposed to get extra credits for Trigonometry, but he did not show up to do the tasks.”
“And so? Does that even matter? Those are just extra credits! I bet he didn’t even really need them! He likes helping out, so that’s probably the only reason why he signed up for the tasks anyway.”
“You are missing the point once more, Hinata-kun.” The researcher clears his throat. “What I am trying to say is that he possibly is unfocused at the moment. Right now is the most excellent time to attempt defeating him.”
“Are you serious? I’ll never take advantage of his distraction like that!”
“Oh?” The researcher tilts his head. “Even if it will guarantee you a place in the main course?”
“Even so! I won’t do that to him!”
“You better get ready for your operation then.”
“Fuck you!”
“Watch your language, Hinata-kun.” The researcher smirks. “In that case, I will go back to the previous condition. Just beat your own record and you are set.”
Hinata still felt like gritting his teeth, but he forces himself to calm down. “You better keep your word.”
“Oh, I will.”
--
Komaeda has been ignoring him for a while now.
Well, to be fair, it wasn’t just him. Komaeda hasn’t been talking to any of their classmates. He wasn’t really that close to everyone else, but he still talked to them back then despite that. He was always ready to offer his help anytime… as he worded it, ‘anything for the symbols of hope’.
Hinata isn’t part of ‘everyone else’, though. Nor is he part of the people that Komaeda can call ‘not really close to’. No, it was quite far from that. They were best friends, they used to hang out—just the two of them—so it doesn’t make sense to Hinata that Komaeda would just ignore him too for no reason.
Actually, he didn’t even think that Komaeda will ever do that to him. He thought that if there's anything wrong, he’d be the first one to know. Hinata recalls the researcher’s words regarding Komaeda. He seems unfocused. Now that Hinata thinks about it, he doesn’t even know why Komaeda would be distracted about something. Hell, he doesn’t even know what Komaeda is up to anymore nowadays.
Except maybe the fact that Komaeda is with Naegi now most of the time…
Well, at least that—Hinata is aware of that at least.
Hinata closes his eyes and slams his forehead on the open book on his table. He can’t even understand what he's reading anymore. His mind is too preoccupied because of different things—if he were to be honest, most of them relate to Komaeda—and he’d find himself at the end of a page without even remembering any of its contents.
He breathes deeply, inhaling the scent of the book’s paper. It was so much better back then. If there was a topic that needs polishing for Hinata, Komaeda would always be there to help him out. Komaeda knows how to translate those difficult and intimidating lessons to easier language—or as Hinata calls it, human terms—and then, somehow, everything will suddenly seem simpler afterwards.
Hinata appreciates Komaeda’s help very much, but he knows that what he values the most from those pair studies is simply Komaeda’s presence. He sighs. The reason why he's having a difficult time at the moment is not because Komaeda isn’t around to help. It’s simply because Komaeda isn’t around.
With Komaeda not talking to him anymore, the only things that Hinata does in this dorm room is one-sidedly speaking to him, studying, studying, and studying. There used to be more. There used to be chatting, laughing, trading stories… Hinata never really took those for granted. In fact, he cherished each of those moments. So he wonders why they were taken away from him.
He sits up finally, staring at the book which has now a slight dent because of him leaning his head on it. What he's doing is no good, he realizes. He's letting himself be distracted. Komaeda wouldn’t be proud of him at all. Komaeda would probably say, ‘You should have more hope than that, Hinata-kun!’ or maybe something similar to that.
Who is he kidding? Komaeda doesn’t even care about him anymore.
--
“So he's not talking even to you, huh…” Souda replies as he fiddles a wrench in his hand. He always carries that wrench around, Hinata observes. He also plays with it when he's idle, much like what he's doing at the moment. “That’s weird.”
“Is that all you have to say?” Hinata makes a face. “Seriously?”
“Hey, now.” Souda rests the wrench on his lap. “Don’t get your panties in a twist. I know you're stressed out and all, but don’t take it out on me, man.”
“Yeah…” Hinata actually felt a bit ashamed upon hearing that. “You're right. Sorry.”
“If you're gonna take it out on anyone, take it out on the other guy. What's his name again? Naegi?”
“Yeah…” Hinata tentatively says before the rest of Souda’s sentence registers in his head. “I mean, no! What the hell? Why am I going to do something like that?”
“Come on. It helps. Look at me.” Souda clears his throat. “Tanaka smells like hamster shit.”
Hinata makes a face again. “What a unique way to cope.”
“Hey, I'm trying to comfort you here! Just try it out!”
But what should Hinata say? What's there to say about Naegi? Naegi was kind and friendly. Hinata isn’t close to him at all, but that’s what he can see. During that certain lunch time under that certain tree, Naegi politely talked to and smiled at him… even if he's nothing but an irritating third wheel.
Hinata saw Naegi talking with his friends too one time before, and they all seem to enjoy having a conversation with him. If he even has flaws, Hinata can’t see them at all. Naegi really deserves the title of the Super High School Level Hope. No wonder Komaeda likes him so much…
“Hey!” Souda waves a hand in front of his face. “Fine, if you don’t want to try it out, then don’t!”
“…Even if I do want to, there's nothing to say anyway. He's practically perfect.”
“Seriously? He's really short, you know.”
“Yeah? And that is a flaw how?”
Souda shrugs as he picks up the wrench to play with it again. “Right, I can’t think of any, too.”
Because there really is nothing wrong. He deserves to have Komaeda’s attention. He earned that fair and square. If anything, Hinata should actually be happy for them. He has no right to be upset especially since Naegi and Komaeda are having fun.
Naegi is Super High School Level Hope, while Hinata—
“Hinata, my soul friend, my buddy.” Souda taps him on the back. “Sorry I can’t be much of help. Now that I think about it, you should just vent, after all. You can curse at me, buddy. I'm ready.”
“Nah.” Hinata taps him too. “It’s alright. Thanks.”
—Hinata is just an untalented Reserve Course Student.
He's practically nothing compared to Naegi.
--
That’s why Hinata shouldn’t have been surprised to find out that Komaeda still talks to him.
It was one of those weekend nights where Hinata decided to stay in the dorm room to study despite the fact that it’s weekend. It was one of those times where he's waiting for Komaeda to come home despite the fact that he won’t talk to Hinata anyway.
Just when Hinata decided to wholly focus on what he's reading, the door creaked open, and he quickly turns to the sound as if he were programmed to do so. Komaeda was looking at the floor just like always. Hinata knew that it was his way to not make eye contact.
That hurts, actually.
Everything does. Every night, every time this happens, he keeps on wondering if he did something wrong. He keeps on thinking that maybe he unknowingly offended Komaeda one way or another. Hinata can put up with those thoughts. They're way better than the idea that Komaeda just simply got tired of him.
“Hey, welcome back.” Hinata makes sure to put on a smile. “Thanks for getting those bags.”
Komaeda doesn’t lift his gaze from the floor as he closes the door behind him. Hinata can’t say that he didn’t expect that, but it would have been nice if he were wrong. Komaeda proceeds to his bed, lying down, and wraps himself with a blanket. That—he always does that too. He looks like he's trying to protect himself from the outside world, and it just deeply hurts Hinata that he's part of that. That outside world, that world that Komaeda looks like he's trying to hide from.
Whenever Komaeda starts to look comfortable enough, Hinata goes to sit on the edge of his bed. Not too close, but close enough for him to place a hand on Komaeda’s covered head. That’s why Hinata got up, planning to do just that, but he wasn’t even a couple of steps away from his chair when Komaeda’s loud ringtone breaks the deafening silence in the room.
Hinata flinches, and he hates that he did, because that only shows that he was already used to their dorm room being quiet. He hates that he seems to have gotten used to nothing in the room making a sound when it used to be filled with their voices and their laughter. He hates that Komaeda seems to have drifted away from him, and he wasn’t really able to do anything about that.
“Hello?” Komaeda answers the phone, and Hinata almost tears up then and there because it has been ages since he last heard that voice. “Naegi-kun?”
Hinata then felt like tearing up because it’s so funny how the owner of the first name that he heard from Komaeda’s voice in a long while was Naegi who was contacting him by a phone call, and not him who was attempting communication every single day.
Right. In fact, it was Hinata who has always been around. Hinata has known him for two years now, they have always been together, yet Naegi just showed up out of nowhere with his fancy-ass Super High School Level Title. Hell, if only Hinata were the Super High School Level Hope—
No, no, no, don’t.
Hinata quickly returns to his previous seat and grabs the book that he was reading, doing his best to distract himself from his thoughts. He shouldn’t be feeling that way. Naegi deserved it. He got Komaeda’s attention without cheating. Hinata has absolutely no right to be thinking like this.
“Did you need something, Naegi-kun?” There was Komaeda’s voice again, and if only humans could close their ears the way they can close their eyes then Hinata would have done that.
Just read, Hajime. Read. He stares at the book in his hands, but for some reason, he can’t understand anything from what's written. And that doesn’t make sense because he's supposed to be just reviewing this lesson—he's already supposed to know this, so why—
“Ah, about that…” He doesn’t know why his mind doesn’t seem to register anything except Komaeda’s voice at the moment. “Can we talk about it tomorrow instead?”
Hinata would slam his head on his book if only Komaeda weren’t around. He remembers that time when he punched a mirror because he thought Komaeda isn’t going home anytime soon, and despite being wrong about that thought, Hinata can’t say that he regretted going ahead and punching it anyway. Because that certain time was probably the last time he received that much attention from Komaeda.
He wonders… If he punches a mirror again right now, would Komaeda finally talk to him?
That idea actually sounds so, so great. Good thing he isn’t too much of an idiot to really act on it. And he wasn’t mentally prepared about the possibility that Komaeda still might not give a damn even if Hinata’s fist is bleeding rivers.
Komaeda goes out the room. Hinata assumes that he's going to continue his conversation with Naegi outside. So it seems that they drifted this far apart already. They drifted so far apart that Hinata isn’t even allowed to listen to Komaeda’s half of the conversation anymore. Hinata isn’t really sure what's more painful.
Back then, when he was the recipient of every single thought of Komaeda regarding Naegi—(“Did you know that he has a little sister? I really want to meet her too, Hinata-kun! I'm sure she's kind too, just like her brother.”) (“Wow! Who would have guessed? Apparently, Naegi-kun and I buy our clothes from the same store! What an interesting coincidence!”) (“Hinata-kun, remember that song that we always sing back then? Naegi-kun said that he liked that song too! Thank you for teaching me that song, by the way!”)—he also was pained.
But now that Komaeda never talks to him about Naegi anymore, he's still pained.
Maybe the reason why horrible things keep on happening to him is because he doesn’t know how to be contented.
He allows himself to lean his forehead on his book again. Maybe Komaeda will stay long outside. Maybe Komaeda’s conversation with Naegi will be long. Actually, no, not maybe, probably Komaeda’s conversation with Naegi will be long. Hinata suddenly remembers that certain time he foolishly allowed himself to join the two for lunch. He remembers the worst game of shiritori that he ever had in his entire life. He remembers seeing Komaeda’s eyes that seem so happy, so happy that they're sparkling, and hearing Komaeda’s voice that sounds so proud of Naegi for some reason.
You know, that proud look that moms give to their children in intelligence commercials?
Hah, how ironic.
Hinata almost wants to laugh, but that was all it was—almost, just like himself and Komaeda. They were almost there, they could have been something, they didn’t have to grow apart, they could have continued being each other’s closest person, but again, that was all it was—almost.
Hinata almost succeeds in stopping himself from confronting Komaeda when he returns from his phone call.
--
“So when did that happen?” Souda turns to Hinata, throwing him a can of coke. Hinata makes sure to catch it with both of his hands because he wouldn’t want to have to deal with chasing a rolling can of beverage. “Why only tell me now?”
“Relax, it only happened last week, Saturday night.”
“Saturday is like five days ago.”
“Okay, I wasn’t ready to talk about it, alright?” Hinata opens the can with two of his fingers, and it lets out a refreshing sound. “But it’s okay now. I already told you what happened. Move on, please.”
“Yeah, yeah.” Souda chugs on the beverage in his own hand before replying. “So basically, despite your best attempt, he still insisted on being a dick.”
“…Okay, I still don’t know if it’s right to call him a dick—”
“Right, because you're still thinking that maybe you did something wrong, yeah, I’ve heard that before.” Souda runs a hand through his hair. “But look, you're not the only one he's ignoring, Hinata. He's ignoring the whole class. You can’t possibly be thinking that we all did something wrong to him.”
Hinata hates that. Hinata hates that because it’s right. Hinata hates that because he already thought about that, and he also wasn’t able to formulate a rebuttal himself. “Look… I know him, alright? He never does things for no reason. He probably—”
“Hinata.” Souda places both of his hands each on Hinata’s shoulders, staring him in the eyes. “Look. You're my soul friend and all, and I know that you don’t wanna hear this, but listen.”
Hinata braces himself. He can indeed feel that he doesn’t want to hear it, whatever it is.
“Didn’t it ever cross your mind that you, maybe, just thought that you know him when you actually don’t?” The look in Souda’s eyes… There's no mistaking it. It’s none other than pity. It’s rare for Souda to be this serious, and to think that of all looks he can give Hinata, he gave pity—Hinata feels so ashamed. “Look, you always say that you know him and stuff like that, but did it ever cross your mind that maybe you're giving yourself too much credit?”
Hinata breathes deeply. Souda slightly moves away to transfer beside him. He feels like curling into a ball, and if things go well, he’ll just disintegrate into ashes then and there. Hinata knew, actually. He knew all of those. He has been thinking of those deep down, but he never really let those thoughts resurface. Because despite the fact that he probably looks like a jaded cynic, he knows that he's still far too assuming and optimistic for his own good.
An optimist in a cynic’s clothing, one might say.
“Hinata, bro.” Souda awkwardly runs a hand on his back, probably attempting to be as comforting as possible. “Look, sorry, but you had to hear it.”
“Yeah.” Hinata nods, feeling a slight prickle at the sides of his eyes. He feels really defeated somehow. It feels like he found a new low. “Don’t be sorry. I know I had to hear those. Thanks.”
“Anything for a buddy!”
“I guess it’s finally time to give up.”
--
Hinata is going to give up.
He doesn’t know why that sounds so liberating when it’s a negative statement. But now that he thinks about it, giving up was probably the best option, after all. What does he lose if he gives up? Komaeda. And he never really had Komaeda in the first place anyway, so that just means that he actually doesn’t lose anything.
What does he gain if he gives up?
A bit of peace of mind. Peace in general. Possibly more positive thoughts. Apathy, and not pain, about being ignored. Less pain. A more comfortable studying environment. Probably a wider attention span. Less distraction. Comfort. Maybe a bit of satisfaction and happiness. Possibly a new love interest.
The list goes on and on, frankly.
Hinata wishes he decided to do this sooner.
He stops in front of his dorm room and takes a deep breath. He can do this. He doesn’t give a damn anymore. Whether Komaeda is inside or not, it doesn’t matter. Komaeda will probably ignore him, and Hinata will not care, and that’s alright.
Despite thinking like this, he can’t deny that he took yet another deep breath before finally turning the knob. Komaeda was inside, much to his… he doesn’t know what he felt, but he decides that he shouldn’t care. He walks straight to his study table, or at least that’s what he tried to do, because he actually froze on the spot when Komaeda looked up to face him with… almost sad eyes.
Hinata’s decision of not giving a fuck was immediately torn into shreds and forcibly thrown out the window. He feels like he has wounds all over his body, and that someone is continuously scratching at all of them at the same time, and the feeling amplifies even more when Komaeda opens his mouth.
“…W-Welcome back.” Komaeda greets, his hesitance obvious.
Hinata hurriedly closes the door behind him and runs to Komaeda. Komaeda’s hesitant look suddenly turns alarmed, and Hinata wraps his arms around Komaeda as tightly as he could. Maybe this is where his resolve of ‘not giving a fuck’ went. Because right now, he doesn’t even care anymore if Komaeda will be weirded out by receiving a sudden and really tight hug.
“Hinata-kun…”
That voice. It’s been a while since he heard that voice. That confrontation last weekend doesn’t count because that did nothing but hurt him, and Komaeda’s voice doesn’t do that. Komaeda’s voice comforts, Komaeda’s voice heals, that’s how it’s supposed to be, and that’s what it’s doing right now.
Hinata slightly pulls away, but he doesn’t completely let go. “What happened to you? Were you mad at me? Did I do anything wrong? Were you upset—”
Komaeda shakes his head, that sad look from his eyes still not disappearing. “It’s not you… It’s not our class, either. It’s just me. It’s my own decision. I'm so sorry.”
“But why?” Hinata places a hand on his cheek, staring at him. It’s been so long since he actually stared at Komaeda’s eyes. He missed them so damn much. He missed Komaeda so damn much. “I mean… you… never do things for no reason. Right? You probably had a good reason to do that. You can tell me… actually, please, please tell me.”
Komaeda shakes his head. “…I did it for no good reason. I just thought I should try—”
“I don’t believe you.”
“I'm saying the truth.”
Hinata still doesn’t buy it, but he gets the feeling that he rather not argue right now. He tightly embraces Komaeda again, leaning his chin on Komaeda’s shoulder. “I missed you so much.”
“Me too. I'm really sorry…”
Hinata closes his eyes. The last time he hugged Komaeda like this was during the time he broke that mirror. He seriously thought that he’d have to break a mirror to be noticed again, but he was so, so glad to be wrong right now. It feels so good to be wrong right now.
“Please promise me that you'd never do that again.” Hinata says, and he knows that he's practically begging. He doesn’t open his eyes—in fact, he just wants to stay like this forever. At least he’d be holding Komaeda, at least Komaeda will be talking to him.
Komaeda leans his chin on Hinata’s shoulder too, and Hinata waits for his reply.
Komaeda doesn’t say anything.