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“Laudna…I think I love you, I’m in love with you”
The confession came out of Imogen’s lips like a whisper, like she was still trying to protect her feelings from becoming known. Still, laudna heard her, still, she took her shaking hands, Imogen’s eyes now trained on them as she realized she couldn’t get herself to look the other in the eyes, the hopefulness that she once felt into her chest was reaching deeper, mutating into some sort of nausea inducing feeling in her stomach.
“Imogen”
Laudna’s voice trembled and her name came out like a question and suddenly Imogen was taken back in time, her best friend, the woman she had grown to love was trapped in a tree and she had to save her because nothing, not even the entirety of Exandria, was more important. Her head snapped up, tears beginning to gather in her eyes after reliving that painful moment when lilac irises finally met black ones and Imogen was finally looking at Laudna, all of her, so familiar yet so different, her face twisted into an expression Imogen hadn’t seen before, or well, she never saw it with such intensity, Laudna was taken aback, her eyebrows were slightly frowning making the thin pale skin wrinkle. Imogen felt sick, a sour taste in her mouth was all that was left of her hopefulness. Laudna was the first one to look away, to sever the connection that allowed them to be lost in the present instead of having to deal with their actions. Imogen’s actions. She couldn’t suppress a pained noise at the loss of eye contact and Laudna looked back at her with concern.
“Imogen..I-I don’t know what to say”
She looked apologetic and Imogen couldn’t stand it, she was the one that fucked up and now Laudna was feeling guilty when the fault was Imogen’s, maybe she couldn’t control her feelings but now she made them Laudna’s problem and that wasn’t fair. Laudna didn’t need to be weighted down by even more problems, she had enough of them and still she managed to shine not in spite of them but regardless, that was one of the things that made her special, made Imogen feel like she shouldn’t to go too far from her because she needed that light to survive. She was now challenging that light, she knew how much Laudna felt like she needed Imogen, even if the latter didn’t feel the same way, and now everything was complicated and it was all her fault.
“Laudna i-it’s fine, I swear, don’t- this doesn’t have to change anything I promise” “But it does, Imogen I am not made for you, the only reason I’m still alive is some sick joke that amuses the gods, you-I was like you, I’m not anymore, I’ll never be like that anymore and you deserve that, you deserve something I’ll never be able to give you, I’ll resent myself forever if I am the reason you don’t get everything you deserve”
“But I want-” “I don’t, Imogen”
Imogen had never felt words sting quite like this, not even when her friends started laughing at her when she was younger or when people in her village avoided even just looking at her, when whispers of her being cursed followed her everywhere she went. It could never hurt like it did now because Laudna was the one that saved her, she was so kind to her even though she hadn’t interacted with other people in such a long time, she was the only one that made her feel like she was a person, that she deserved to be treated like a person and not a monster.
Laudna was now leaving the room quietly, leaving Imogen to think by herself, it had been so long since that last happened, she was now used to having her by her side and inside of her mind, calming her down while she thought because it was easy for Imogen’s thoughts to spiral out of her control, devastating her. But Imogen deserved it, she knew she did, more than that she needed it, and probably Laudna did too. They had time, if all goes well they will have time. Imogen needed that hope, Laudna and her would be fine one way or another, she knew she’ll keep on falling in love with her and she’ll continue to care about her because they had been so important for each other and she knew Laudna loved her, not in the same way but that didn’t make it any less important. Still Imogen found herself on the bed, her arms around her knees and her cheeks wet with tears she couldn’t hold back wishing she could ignore the sun that would soon rise. She wasn’t even ready to face herself, let alone the others.