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Life sucks. Well, it sometimes sucks. At Least for Ezra. Its not like he goes parading around that he's trans, and it's not like he keeps it hidden like its his deepest darkest secret. Its just.. There.
Is really what he wished was the truth.
‘Hyd?’ The message lit up the dark screen. ‘My god. Who is messaging me at…’ He paused his thoughts, fingers pressing down on his phone, ‘2am? Really? I knew I couldn't sleep but damn.’ He tapped the message, trying to see who wrote it. It was just Jax, His… friend. He doubted Jax saw him as a best friend anyways so may as well save the trouble and say their acquaintances. ‘Nm. Y are u texting me at nearly 3 am tho?’ He texted back. He was way too tired to type properly. After what felt like a couple minutes It was probably only a couple seconds Jax replied, ‘Oh, I just finished streaming. I just wanted to ask if you wanted to stream together tmrw? My chat was suggesting little nightmares two and Seb and Adrien have already done it so since you're like the only person that hasn't done it apart from me I was wondering if you wanted to do it together?’ Ah. Right. I'm sure he's asked everyone if they've played before asking me. It's fine. I know I'm not important anyways. ‘Yeah. sure. I'm gonna go to bed now. Gn.’
He threw his phone next to him on the bed, trying to stop the tears in his eyes. Why am I like this? It's not even a big deal. It doesn't matter that he's the second choice. He always is. Ezra lifts himself up off his bed, and walks into his bathroom. Wait. What am I doing? He pauses himself, snapping back to life. He looks down at his hand, looks down at what's in his hands. No. I'm a week clean. Why should I ruin it? He clenches the cup of razors tighter in his grip. What does it matter? Nobody cares if i cut myself or not. I'm sure everyone would love to see what they've done to me. They fucking deserve to see how theyve treated me. He reaches into the cup, grabbing one of the loose razor blades at the bottom.
He lifts his sleeves, and he doesn't realise what he's doing. 1..2.. These should be deeper. I deserve to feel pain. I deserve to die. Everyone deserves to see what they made me do.
He zones back in after a few seconds, looking down at his arm. Blood leaked out of the fresh wounds. Oh. oh no. What have I done? It's not even a big deal. I'm such a useless piece of shit. He wraps his arm in bandages, cleans the blade and his counter, and puts the blade away. He’d been in his binder for like 12 hours but that's not nearly as long as the longest he'd worn it so he wasn't worried. (Or was it 16 hours? He couldn't remember.)
He collapsed back onto his bed, arm hurting too bad to think straight. Damn. Hurts the same every time. Suppose I can't complain. He turns over, staring at his dark phone screen.
Boop Beep!
Ezra paused in his place. That was a custom ringtone. A custom ringtone he set for the person he missed. The custom ringtone he created for the person that drifted away from him. The custom ringtone he gave to his best friend. The custom ringtone he gave to the first and only person that knows he’s trans. His first friend. His first viewer. His first love. His first everything.
He opened the message, hands shaking from excitement and fear. He felt nauseous, from the lack of blood, and from the message.
‘Hey Ez, Ik you're probably asleep rn but I just wanted to say thank you for being my best friend and just know I'm so happy for you and just wanted to say congrats on 1 million subscribers! Ik this is kinda awkward so Im sorry this is so formal but truly congrats!’
Ezra blushed and reread it, when he realised something. I don't have a million subscribers? He jumped up and turned on his pc, planting himself in the cushion of his gaming chair. He jumped onto youtube and Oh. My. GOD. I… I have a million subscribers. I HAVE A MILLION SUBSCRIBERS! Fuck it being awkward, he was too happy to think straight. He put his headphones on and tapped the call button.
‘Hello?’
‘MIRA! HOLY SHIT I'M SO HAPPY!!’
Mira laughed, and the butterflies that filled ezra’s stomach made him feel like it was the day they met all over again.
‘You should be! You worked so hard for this!’ Mira expressed, and Ezra could just feel the smile and warmth radiating from him.
‘Thank you, Mira.’ He paused, ‘Thank you so much.’
At that moment, without either of them having realised, they hit their 8000th hour talking to each other. Whether it be through text, or online. Whether it be whilst they were arguing, or talking about their interests, or caring for eachother, that was it. They slowly made it to their 8005th hour before Ezra fell asleep, Miras voice echoing through his mind.
Ezra woke up a couple hours later to a notification, and he realised he fell asleep at his desk, and his ribs hurt like hell. He opened twitter, to see thousands of tweets from fans, friends, everyone.. congratulating him on 1 million subscribers. He might've said it was the happiest day of his life. Sure, He had a pounding headache, his entire body hurt, and he hadn't eaten in a week but he felt so happy. Just so, so happy. He lifted his sleeve to look at the bandages he had put on himself and couldn't help but feel incredibly stupid. People loved him. People that didn't even know him personally.
He stopped scrolling twitter to the hashtag #ezrali1mil and got up to go take off his binder. He looked back at his screen one more time and paused.
‘#ezrali1mil idk why everyones so happy she's got 1 million. Rae’s always been so quiet. I'm shocked she got so many followers.’
He paused. She. Rae.
Rae.
All of a sudden he felt like he was suffocating. He couldn't breathe.
No.
How did they know?
He fell back into his chair, Immediately closing twitter.
How. Why. Why? Why did this have to happen to him? To… to.. to him. Him. he's a him. Not her. He’ll always be a him. He’s always been a him. It's fine. It's all fine. He's fine.
He slowly regulated his breathing, repeating the same thoughts in his head over and over.
Suddenly, The sound of a call rang through his headphones and cut off his thoughts. He went back to discord to accept it. The call consisted of Him, Jax, Mira, Seb and Adrien.
‘Me and Jax are streaming by the way but hey Ezra!! Congrats on 1 mil!’ Adrien shouted out happily.
‘Look at you all grown! I've been subscribed since you were at 600k!’ Jax said proudly. Seb immediately cut off Jax’s flex, ‘‘He was only at 600k like a year ago.’
‘W-Well still!’ Jax said, embarrassed.
‘Congrats Ez.’ Mira said over Jax and Seb arguing.
Ezra pushed down his cough and tried his best to breathe. ‘Thanks.’
‘Woah, I think that's the first time I've seen you two talk in like a year!’ Jax said with shock in his voice. ‘Like the year since he was at 600k?’ Adrien said calmly. Seb laughed. ‘S-SHUT UP!’ Jax said, yet again embarrassed.
‘I-its- ow- it's fine he has only been subscribed for a year. I doubt he even watches my videos.’ Ezra says, teasingly, with a wince of pain.
‘OOOOH!! BAHAHA ITS PROBABLY TR….
Is he okay? Mira thought. He could barely get that sentence out. Mira thought. I know he hasn't slept long since we were on call like 4 hours ago…
Then it clicked.
‘Take it off!!!’ Ezras phone lit up. He ignored it.
‘EZRA. TAKE. IT. OFF.’ Mira wrote.
‘Im fine, dw’
EZRA TAKE THE FUCKING BINDER OFF YOUR CRUSING YOUR RIBS’
‘It's legit fine I've only had it on like a couple hours I swear.’ Ezra lied through his teeth.
‘Ezra.’ Mira said passionately into the call, cutting everyone off.
‘Huh?’ Jax questioned.
‘Agh- Fuck fuck fine.’ Ezra said, Disconnecting from the call.
‘What the fuck was that?’ Jax questioned.
‘I gtg.’ Mira answered dryly, leaving the call.
Ezra stared at himself in the mirror, without it on. Sure he could breathe, but, He didn't look like a guy. He wasn't a guy. The person was right. How did he get so many people following him? He was a liar. He's not even a man.
Ding dong
Goddammit, who the hell? He thought, running to the door. ‘Hello-’ He cut himself off as he was pulled into a hug. ‘Dont fucking do that.’ Mira said, Pulling away from him but still holding onto his shoulders.
‘Why. why did you even come all the way here?’
‘Because I’m worried for you.’
‘Im fine.’ Ezra said, walking back to his room.
Mira followed close behind, ‘No, you're not. You could've died. Do you really not care?’
Ezra sharply turned around, ‘OF COURSE I FUCKING CARE MIRA. MAYBE I WANT TO DIE, HUH? IT'S NOT LIKE I'M EVEN A REAL GUY. I DESERVE TO DIE. I'M SUCH A FAKER.
Mira walked past him and sat on his bed, grabbing Ezra's wrist and sitting him down next to him.
‘You don't deserve to die. You shouldn't die. So many people love you Ez. I- god. I fucking love you, okay?’ Mira spluttered out, tightening his grip on Ezra's wrist.
‘Why? I'm not even a real guy. I'm a stupid little girl. I'm just a weak bitch. Why would you ever love me?’ Ezra cried out, grabbing onto Mira's hand.
‘Because you're a boy. You've always been a boy and you'll always be a boy. That'll never change, Ez. No matter what happens, no matter what anyone says.’
‘But- I-’ Ezra cut himself off, bringing Mira into the tightest hug. He didn't care if Mira felt the way his chest protruded more than normal boys did, He didn't care if everything Mira is saying is a lie, Because he loves him. He loves Mira so fucking much. He loved him more than he loved himself, and he always would.
Ezra pulled himself out of the hug.
‘I love you, Mira.’
Mira smiled, and lifted Ezras arm to look at the bandages messily tied around it.
Mira kissed Ezras hand, pecking at his skin before kissing his bandages.
‘I love you too. I love everything about you. I'll love you on your good days, your bad days, Everyday. I'll love you forever.’