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Armin’s never had a crush on anyone before. Growing up, adults just assumed he was a late bloomer or too focused on his studies to care about that sort of thing. His peers just assumed he was closeted and too embarrassed to find himself a boyfriend. Eren and Mikasa never bothered him about it though.
Armin, Eren, and Mikasa. It had always been the three of them together. You couldn’t see one without seeing the other two not too far behind. They were a trio, that’s just the way it was. Armin thought that was the way it was always going to be. Then Eren and Mikasa started dating.
They started spending increasing amounts of alone time together. Armin tried to be understanding. He respected their privacy, but he desperately wanted to understand why they were suddenly more important to each other than he was. He tried not to blame them. He tried not to blame himself either, but how can you not think that you’re the problem when your two best friends seem to not like you as much as they used to?
Armin knew these were irrational thoughts. He knew they didn’t like him any less than they used to. They just developed crushes on each other and started dating. That’s normal, he told himself. Normal. Was he not normal? Armin’s never had a crush on anyone before. He’s never even found someone sexually attractive before. Was he not normal?
Armin walked home from school alone again for the third time that week. Mikasa drove Eren home from school. They didn’t tell him he couldn’t come with them or anything. They would never say that to Armin, but he knew when to take a hint. He knew they were happier alone. Without him. He knew the things they did in the car alone. He’d rather not see that. He was so desperate to hold onto the illusion that nothing had changed between them that he found himself avoiding them even in situations where they weren’t all over each other. But he was lonely.
So lonely.
He remembered the first time he saw them kissing. It was like any other Friday night; they all went to Eren’s house to watch horror movies in his room. He left to go to the bathroom and when he came back they were making out. Armin wasn’t a prude or anything. He just didn’t care about that stuff, but it’s different when it’s the two closest people in your life. He felt sick to his stomach, turned around, and went back into the bathroom. They didn’t even notice him.
He sat on the bathroom floor desperate to not be sick and tried to sort through his emotions. He wondered how long it would take for them to notice he was taking a long time. He waited for half an hour before Mikasa finally knocked on the bathroom door to see if he was alright. It was then that it truly hit him how much had changed.
He felt sick just thinking about the memory. He felt guilty about feeling sick, which just made him feel even more sick. After all, there wasn’t anything wrong with what they were doing. Childhood friends end up dating all the time. So why was it so hard for him?
-
Eren and Mikasa were starting to notice how distant Armin had recently become. They were worried about how much time he was spending alone. They really did miss spending time with him too.
During lunch the next day, Eren found Armin in the bathroom to ask him what was going on with him.
”Hey, Armin! Is everything ok? We haven’t eaten lunch together in so long, you’ve been spending so much time in the library.”
”Yeah, I’m fine,” Armin said looking down at his shoes. “I’ve just been really busy with homework and stuff. Haven’t really had time to eat lunch.”
Eren frowned. Last time Armin had been consistently skipping lunch was when his grandfather died. He was scared something like that had happened again.
”Are you sure? You’ve never been this busy before. You really shouldn’t skip lunch. You know you can tell me anything right?”
Could I? Armin thought. Could I really look you in the eyes and tell you that I’m jealous of how much time you and Mikasa spend alone together. Armin felt pathetic. He caused most of this problem. He was the one who started acting differently.
“I…” Armin’s words drifted off. He didn’t want to sound like some clingy child. “I suppose it’s just felt weird between all of us ever since you and Mikasa started dating.” Armin still couldn’t look Eren in the eyes.
”Oh. Yeah, I guess it makes sense that it’s weird for you. I’d probably feel weird if I saw you and Mikasa kissing,” Eren laughed.
Armin didn’t think it was funny. As if that would ever happen.
“Yeah. I can’t imagine that,” Armin said in a tone more bitter than he had intended.
Eren put his hand on Armin’s shoulder. Armin shuddered slightly at the contact.
“Is it really just the kissing that bothers you? I could kiss you too so you wouldn’t feel so left out.”
Armin shoved Eren’s hand off of his shoulder. He didn’t want to be upset but he was.
”No, that’s not necessary. I just… I don’t feel like I’m a priority to you anymore. I feel like you two are starting to care more about each other than you care about me.”
”Well, that’s because we’re dating now. I feel differently about Mikasa now than I used to. But that hasn’t happened with you.”
“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still want to hang out with you as much as we used to,” Armin’s voice cracked. He was embarrassed. Out of all the places they could be having this conversation, it just had to be the boys’ bathroom.
”I know it’s difficult, Armin, but I care about Mikasa in a different way now. I’m sure you’ll understand one day when you meet the right person.”
Armin was dumbfounded. He’d been told that numerous times by adults before, but he never thought it would come out of Eren’s mouth.
“I’m not some naive little child Eren, I know that you and Mikasa spend so much time together because you’re dating. What I don’t understand is why I’m pushed to the side! I don’t understand why romantic relationships are so important!”
Eren paused and tried to read the look on Armin’s face.
“What? You don’t understand?”
“No!” replied Armin, “I’ve never found anyone attractive in that way. The only people I’ve ever loved are my parents, my grandfather, Mikasa, and you. None of which romanticly obviously. You really haven’t noticed this by now?”
“No, Armin, I haven’t! Is it really so terrible that I don’t know every little detail about you?”
”Eren, you’re supposed to be my best friend. I’ve known you for almost as long as I can remember. The least you can do is pretend you like me.”
”You’re being irrational, of course I like you!” Eren said, raising his voice slightly.
Some of the other boys and the bathroom looked at them and giggled quietly to themselves. Armin covered his face in embarrassment. He didn’t want to be here anymore.
“It’s been 2 months and you just now got the idea to reach out to me?” Armin asked, barely louder than a whisper.
”If it bothered you so much you could’ve reached out to us first.”
”You know I have trouble with that. Or did you not notice that either?”
”Oh come on,” Eren scoffed.
Armin took a minute to breathe and collect his thoughts. He didn’t want to say anything that he would regret, but he could feel his patience running thin.
“Eren, please, I don’t want this to turn into a fight.”
“Neither do I,” Eren said, throwing his hands up in defense.
“I just want things to go back to how they used to be. When we were younger you promised me that it would always be the three of us and nothing would ever change that.”
”Armin, I was a kid when I said that, I didn’t know any better. Times have changed. I changed. ”
Armin finally looked at him with tears starting to form in his eyes.
”Well I guess I haven’t,” Armin said before leaving the bathroom, letting the door slam behind him.
Eren followed after him, but stopped outside of the bathroom door. He decided it was best to let the conversation rest for now, and watched as Armin disappeared back into the library.
At the end of the day, Mikasa apologized to Armin for Eren’s behavior and convinced him to hang out with them on Friday night. “It will be just like old times!” she assured him. All Armin could do was hope she was right.
-
Friday, 3:09 pm. 14 minutes after school ended.
Armin purposefully took a long time at his locker. He really was happy to be spending time with his friends, but at the same time, he was dreading it. What if it was awkward? What if the situation got worse? He tried to think positively but it was hard.
He finally left the building and found Mikasa’s car in the parking lot. To his surprise, Eren was in the back seat all by himself. Armin wondered whose idea it was as he sat down in the passenger's seat and tried to relax.
Mikasa had her usual melodramatic music on as she drove to Eren’s house. Surprisingly, it helped to calm Armin down. It sounded so normal, so safe to him. It reminded him of how things were before Mikasa and Eren started dating. The drive was short, and they arrived in no time. Armin entered Eren’s house last.
“Hi honey. Hi Mikasa,” greeted Carla, “Armin! It’s been too long since the last time I’ve seen you.”
Carla pulled Armin in for a hug.
“Hi, Carla, it’s nice to see you,” responded Armin.
After a quick conversation with Mrs.Yaeger, the three of them headed up to Eren’s room. Eren and Mikasa sat down on Eren’s bed, and Armin stood awkwardly next to it. Eren patted the bed next to him and smiled. Armin hesitantly sat down in between them.
“I think I should start this time,” Mikasa said, looking over at Eren. “The three of us have been friends for 15 years. We should feel comfortable talking to each other about anything. Armin, I know that you have a hard time telling people when something is hurting you, and I know you try to avoid your problems. We should’ve been more considerate and perceptive about that as soon as we noticed you were acting differently.”
“No, Mikasa, Eren was right, I should’ve reached out. This is my fault.”
Eren frowned. This was his fault.
“Armin, I shouldn’t have said that. I know how you react to things. I should’ve expected this.”
“Armin, do you want to talk about exactly what is bothering you?” asked Mikasa.
Armin thought for a moment. He didn’t know what to say. He knew his friends. He knew they would never do most of the things he was afraid they would. Was he really ready to come out to them either?
“Well, uh, I guess I was mostly just scared. The last time I came over here, I saw you guys kiss, and that’s when it finally hit me that we’re growing up. It just felt so weird to me. Like we used to play in the sandbox and finger paint together, and now you guys are kissing. It just didn’t feel real to me. Not to mention that it took you guys thirty minutes to realize I was gone. That really hurt.”
“That was my fault,” Eren admitted. “Mikasa wanted to check on you sooner, but I convinced her that you were probably fine. That was so stupid Armin, I’m really sorry.”
“I forgive you. I think I also really over-thought what was happening. I convinced myself that it meant you guys don’t care about me anymore.”
“We’ll never stop caring about you,” Mikasa smiled. “You can always talk to us if something is bothering you. Don’t ever forget that.” Mikasa looked over at Eren. “Well, you can always talk to me at least.”
“Yeah, I said some things I regret in the bathroom, I shouldn’t have said some of that shit. I still don’t understand some of the things you said though. Like the thing about not understanding romantic relationships or something.”
Armin couldn’t hide anymore.
“Oh, that? Uh, yeah I think I’m aroace. Well, I don’t think, I know. I think I’ve known for a really long time. I just never felt interested in anyone in that way, and I never understood why other people did. I think that was part of why it was so hard to see you guys together. Because I knew you guys had something that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to have. I think I was jealous? I won’t lie, sometimes I wish I could feel those things. It seems really nice and I feel like I’m missing out.”
Armin laid back on the bed and signed.
“It feels good to finally say it out loud to someone.”
Mikasa laid back on the bed too, and grabbed one of Armin’s hands.
“I’m glad you felt comfortable enough to tell us, especially considering what’s happened over the past few months.”
Eren laid down as well, and grabbed Armin’s other hand.
“Yeah, now I feel like even more of an asshole. You were trying to reach out to me and I dismissed you.”
“It’s fine,” Armin assured. “You couldn’t have known.” Armin squeezed both of their hands gently and smiled. “I’m ready to watch a movie.”
And so they did. They watched movie after movie, laughing at the cheesy acting and screaming at every jump scare until they fell asleep. Armin was confident that their friendships would survive this, even if it might be a little bit different. He loves Eren and Mikasa as much as anyone could love another person, and they love him just as much. They love him as much as they love each other, even if it’s in a different way. He couldn’t ask for more. And he didn’t want anything more. He was confident he wasn’t missing out on anything.