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Seungmin couldn't pinpoint when exactly his fears of doctors, or rather hospitals had started. It wasn't like there had been a traumatic event when he was younger, like a mean doctor or a severe accident, he had just always been afraid of hospitals and the aspects that came with them, like needles, surgeries and death.
He could remember most of the times he had to see a doctor and all of them had definitely not been pleasant experiences. For example, when he was six years old and had to get a vaccine against the flu and he had screamed and cried for help at the sight of the doctor and the needle. Or when he was eleven and fell while playing hide and seek with his friends and his mother had brought him to the emergency room because he couldn't stop crying, his arm pulsing with pain. And when he was sixteen and had to get surgery because of his wisdom teeth and the thought of the anesthesia had almost made him throw up.
Every time there had to be several doctors and nurses and his mother, talking him through panic attacks or holding him down.
Although Chan and the other boys had never seriously made fun of a fear one of them had, Seungmin had never dared to tell them about his problems with hospitals. It just felt silly to him. Of course, most people were nervous in hospitals, these places are for sick and injured people and of course most people did not enjoy needles breaking through their skin and being pushed into flesh or muscle but not everybody got panic attacks before a doctor had even entered the room.
So, Seungmin had just watched out to never injure himself or get seriously sick. Despite small colds and strong muscle aches, he stayed healthy and whenever somebody else had to see a doctor, Seungmin immediately offered himself to take care of the rest with one of his oldest hyungs - most of the time Changbin - and bring them all home safely.
Chan often praised and thanked him for keeping a cool head and staying calm when the others all got worried and talked over each other, everybody wanting to help and accompany the hurt boy to the doctor. Seungmin always nodded and told Chan that it was no problem and he knew that he could help this way too.
But after years of dancing almost every day, Seungmin had gotten more comfortable and relaxed, knowing that a simple fall during practice would not automatically land him in a hospital.
He just didn't calculate that also simple falls could hurt him really bad.
When Seungmin woke up in the morning, he felt pretty well rested and motivated for the day. It was supposed to be a "calm" day, which meant a four-hour dance practice before they had free time. For idols like them, this was still a calm day, compared to days filled with dance practice, vocal lessons, recordings, interviews and performances.
Seungmin planned to relax in the afternoon, reading a book while listening to music and maybe help Felix to bake brownies or prepare dinner together with Minho.
After laying on his bed for a few more minutes and scrolling through his phone, he got up, put on some comfortable clothes and went to one of their bathrooms, quickly washing his face and brushing his teeth, before going to the kitchen to eat breakfast.
Minho was making coffee, looking a bit sleepy but at least fully dressed. "Good morning, Hyung", Seungmin greeted him. "Good Morning. Do you want some coffee?", Minho asked. "Yes please", Seungmin mumbled, sitting down at the table.
"Do you know if Yongbok and Innie are awake?", Minho wanted to know. "Felix went into the bathroom after me but I don't know about Innie", Minho nodded and purred some coffee into a mug, placing it in front of Seungmin.
"I'm gonna look if he got up", Minho said and left quietly. Outside the kitchen window, the sun slowly started raising.
Seungmin had always liked morning like these, they had something magical and calming and they helped to lift his mood. When he was a child he had often spend morning with his mum. While she had gotten ready in the bathroom, he had sat at the window, watching the neighborhood getting up as well. God, he missed these times...
The sun was already illuminating Seoul's streets with golden rays when the group started their dance practice at the JYP building.
The maknaes were playing around when the choreographer arrived and the four hours of practice began, seriousness and concentration overtaking the playful atmosphere.
Because the last comeback had been only a few weeks prior, there weren't any new songs to learn choreographies for and the practice was filled with repeating the most recent ones.
Practices like that were Seungmin's favorites, he knew that some of them - especially Felix, Hyunjin and Minho - loved learning new choreographies but Seungmin didn't have the spark they had. He loved dancing and he was good at it but singing filled him with more excitement so he rather let muscle memory do its job than learn new moves.
But it took more than muscle memory to dance as a group, "distraction is dangerous" was what Minho always said when one of them messed up because they didn't pay attention - "exaggeration" whispered Jisung every time.
Later Seungmin wished he had believed Minho more than to giggle with Jisung.
If he hadn't been distracted by his thoughts he would have seen Jeongin getting to close to him and could have gotten out of the way before he bumped into him.
It happened slow. Seungmin felt his heart skipping a beat when he was pushed forwards and lost his balance, stumbling over his feet and falling. The impact with the floor hurt. But all the air inside his lungs got knocked out, leaving him breathless and unable to make a pained noise.
"Seungmin!", somebody gasped. "Hyung! I'm sorry!", Jeongin cried out, sitting down next to Seungmin. "Are you okay?", somebody helped him into a sitting position and it took everything in him to not cry out in pain.
Something was wrong. He was hurt. Badly.
Shit.
He knew what this meant, especially with the look Minho and Chan were giving him, Seungmin could practically feel them burning his skin.
No hospital. Not even over his dead body.
"I'm fine, Innie. Just a small fall", Seungmin answered, smiling warmly at Jeongin. "Are you sure? It looked like you feel right on your chest", Hyunjin interrupted, frowning.
"Yeah, I caught myself with my hands, it wasn't even that far to the ground. I'm good", the others nodded, believing Seungmin who was one of the most responsible members in the group.
"Alright, let's do another run through, then we can have a break", Chan stated, loud and determined enough to prevent anybody from protesting.
Seungmin wiped off his hands on his pants before standing up again. When he stood, he stopped for a short second. His foot felt weird. It didn't really hurt but it felt like he had walked through the city for the whole day without stopping once.
But giving in wasn't one of Seungmin's strengths, especially when a visit to the hospital was the most possible result of him telling the others. So he gritted his teeth and got into position.
"I feel like I'm dead", Jisung groaned when the final chord of today's last song had faded away and all eight members let themselves fall to the ground, sitting or laying on the cold floor, catching their breaths.
"You don't sound like it", Seungmin answered, a few seconds later an empty water bottle hit his arm. "Hey!", he called out, tossing the bottle back to Jisung, who caught it with a grin. When he turned back around, pain shot through his chest, almost making him groan.
"Boys, no fights, go shower and spend the rest of the day doing something nice, alright?", Chan said, clapping his hands. "Will you also do something nice?", Felix replied, lifting an eyebrow.
"Sure... Producing music is nice", Chan mumbled the last part, earning sounds of protest from the others. "Hyung! You also have to relax for a bit", Hyunjin demanded.
Seungmin stopped listening to the bickering of the other members and instead focused on breathing as softly as possible, to not put too much pressure on his chest. His foot had started to hurt more during practice too, but it was still bearable and walking wouldn't be a problem.
"Okay, then let's go!", Felix announced and the boys got loving. Seungmin tried to get up quickly too, as to not arouse their mistrust. All of them knew that everyone of them was a fully capable adult, able to take care of themselves but it didn't stop them from worrying and doting on each other. Seungmin didn't like being doted on, so he grabbed his bag and let himself disappear in the group of boys, while walking to the elevator.
At home, when Minho and Jeongin were showering and Felix was getting ready in his room, Seungmin was finally able to grab two ice packs and hide in his own room, examining his injuries.
He gasped quietly when he lifted his shirt. On his right side, bruises were forming across his chest, on his ribs, indicating possible broken bones. The ice pack made him flinch, when it first came in contact with his skin and its weight put more pressure on the bones, a burning pain crawling through his body.
His foot wasn't as colorful as his rib cage, but it was swollen and hot to the touch. The ice pack on his foot felt more relieving, the painful heat cooling down quickly and the swelling going back. "Shit", Seungmin mumbled in relief, laying back on his bed, letting the packs' content melt and soak his clothes.
A knock got him startled, Seungmin quickly pulling his blanket over himself to hit the ice packs. "Minnie-Hyung? Shower's free", Jeongin told him and disappeared again, probably to his own room.
Seungmin hid the ice packs under his pillow and rushed into the bathroom, taking fresh clothes with him to avoid being seen only with a towel covering his private parts.
The cool shower helped his aching body too and Seungmin was sure that by the next morning, the pain would be as good as gone, the only evidence of his fall being the bruises on his rib cage.
He was wrong, however, he realized when he woke up the next day, even the turn to his phone to check the time causing him pain. It felt like something was sitting on his chest, pressing and holding him down, making it hard to breathe properly.
He cursed under his breath and laid flat on his back, thinking about what to do. Staying in bed and pretending he was sick? Nah, Minho wouldn't let that pass. Telling the tru- No! The only option left was getting out of bed and taking painkillers to push through the day.
Groaning, Seungmin rolled himself out of the bed, his side pulsating with waves of pain. "You got this", he mumbled to himself, before he picked up a shirt and pants that were laying on a chair.
He laid his ear on the door, listening if the others were running around in the hall, but it stayed quiet, except for the humming of Minho in the kitchen, making coffee.
Seungmin opened the door and looked to see if Felix and Jeongin were occupying the bathrooms but Jeongin's door was closed so he was probably still sleeping.
The gap under the bathroom door to his left was dark, so Seungmin chose this one, disappearing as quietly as possible behind its door.
He brushed his teeth and washed his face before changing his clothes, which turned out to be a real struggle. The pants, underwear and socks were quite easy but pulling the shirt over his head was nearly impossible.
Seungmin looked down at himself. His pajama shirt was a plain black one, so he decided to just keep it on. In his hurry, he almost forgot to take some painkillers, in the end downing one or two too many and taking the others with him to put in his backpack.
When he leant against his door after getting back to his room, Seungmin realized that today would be a long and painful day.
Seungmin had met several doctors and nurses in his life for various reasons, simple check-ups, colds or vaccines. Most of them were really nice and patient people, who assured him over and over again that his feelings and fears were valid.
And the few people who weren't as understanding got shouted at by his mother. She had always fought for Seungmin, had never told him to grow up and instead supported him whenever he had to meet a doctor.
Seungmin knew that he could probably talk to her about his injury and maybe even ask her to come but it felt silly and childish to him. A 22 year old young man who still needed his mother next to him when visiting a doctor, how immature!
He had also thought about talking to one of the company's doctors and force them to stay quiet about the issue but Seungmin feared he wasn't intimidating enough to threaten anybody.
So there was only one option left: Keep going as if nothing happened.
"Fuck", Seungmin mumbled when the nth run-through was finally over and he could lay down on the ground and stabilize his heavy breathing.
It hurt, his fast deep breaths causing a pulsating, piercing pain in his side, so bad it even overshadowed his throbbing foot.
"Seungminnie!", Jisung shouted happily before throwing himself on top of him. The scream got stuck in Seungmin's throat, he silently gasped, tears welling up in his eyes. Jisung had by no means meant to hurt him, he didn't know but his weight and the force with which he had hit Seungmin made him see stars.
"Minnie?", Jisung asked, getting up and looking at his face. Seungmin knew he must look horrible, read and sweaty, eyes glassy, a pained frown. When Jisung's weight was finally off of him, a sob escaped through his lips.
Immediately, chaos erupted. Chan was there suddenly, stroking Seungmin's hair and saying something but Seungmin couldn't understand what exactly. Minho had sent Jeongin to get a manager, Changbin was holding back Felix and Hyunjin, who were talking over each other.
"Seungmin? Baby? Hey, what's going on?", his senses were focusing again and he blinked up, looking into Chan's concerned face. Another sob, combined with a gasp for air made him cough, more tears rolling down his cheeks.
"M... my r-ribs", he mumbled. It was over now, he knew it. None of them would believe him if he got up and told them he was fine, that Jisung had just hit him with his elbow, Chan wouldn't let it go either way before Seungmin saw a doctor, so there was absolutely no point in trying to hide the truth any longer.
When Chan's fingers carefully grasped the hem of Seungmin's shirt and pulled it up, he felt like in one of these movie scenes, when something bad is about to be discovered and the music swells and suddenly stops, when the bad thing is finally on display.
Only that now there wasn't any music, instead there were loud voices but Seungmin didn't understand what they were saying. But he understood what the collective gasps and the silence that followed meant. His chest, red and blue and green, on display for everybody to see.
"Oh my god", Chan whispered in shock. "Seungmin...", Jisung sobbed quietly. "What happened?", Minho asked softly but Seungmin didn't know how to answer, his mouth wasn't forming any words and all he could think about was that he would have to see a doctor now.
A door opened and closed, some people talked and moved, then it opened and closed again. It was quieter now.
"Seungmin? Are you with us?", Chan asked and Seungmin nodded. "We sent the others outside", Minho told him. "It's only us and manager hyung".
He took a breath. It hurt. Not in the way, like after a long practice when his lungs were burning from the exhaustion. It hurt as if somebody was jumping on his chest, breaking his ribs into several pieces that were pricking into his lungs.
"Can you talk to us?", the manager wanted to know. "Yeah", Seungmin answered. His voice was quiet and raspy but at least he could talk, his mouth forming the words again.
"What happened?", the manager asked, worry in his voice and concern written over his face. He was like a big brother to all of them, protective and always looking out for them.
"I fell", Seungmin explained and Chan gasped beside him. "Yesterday, during practice!", he nodded. "But we asked you, if you were alright? Why didn't you say anything?", Minho didn't sound accusing, more worried but it didn't help Seungmin's fears.
He sobbed again: "I'm sorry". Somebody pulled his head in their lap and wiped his tears away. "It's okay, we will go to the hospital and everything will be fine-", "No!", he shouted and suddenly he bolted upright, ignoring the pain and pushed away whoever was close to him.
"No! No hospitals!", he was shaking like a leaf, from coldness but also adrenaline and fear that were pumping through his veins. "But you need to see a doctor, you-", "No!", he interrupted the manager.
"Seungmin! Hey, okay! No hospital, alright?", Chan offered. Minho was ready to side with the manager: "But he-". "No hospital.", Chan repeated, holding out a hand towards Seungmin.
"Let's calm down and get you something to drink, how does that sound?", he asked, receiving a nod. Minho walked over to the bags, getting Seungmin's water bottle while Chan got closer to him, offering a hug. "You will be okay", he promised.
The water helped to sober Seungmin up and get him out of his panic spiral. Chan stroked his hair, gently humming a soft melody into his ear.
"I'm sorry", mumbled Seungmin, pressing closer to the leader. "It's alright, we'll figure it out", they stayed like this for a few more minute, the manager and Minho silently discussing something in the corner of the room.
"Could you explain to me why you don't want to go to the hospital?", Chan asked in a hushed voice. "I won't judge you". Seungmin bit his lip, he had to tell Chan, if he knew what was going on, he would be understanding and helpful, open to do whatever Seungmin asked for.
He took a deep breath before answering: "I'm afraid of hospitals... Doctors in general, just... Just everything that has something to do with it all". Chan nodded. "That's okay, I'm glad you told me, now we can properly help you, okay?", Seungmin went stiff, he wasn't sure what this meant.
"Don't worry", Chan said, having felt Seungmin's stiffness. "Nobody will do anything that you aren't okay with, hmm?", Seungmin nodded. "Thank you".
"Should we talk to Minho and manager-hyung?", Chan asked and Seungmin hummed. "Can you talk to them?", he asked and Chan smiled softly. "Of course".
Seungmin didn't listen to Chan explaining the situation to Minho and the manager, instead he closed his eyes, trying to calm himself down. He was okay, everything would be fine, nothing bad was going to happen to him.
He was thankful for Chan and his ability to calm others down so easily. He was respectful to each and everyone, always making sure nobody felt left out or like their feeling were being ignored.
"Minnie?", he looked up to Minho who kneeled in front of him. "Would you be okay with somebody from the company's medical staff looking at your injury? Only looking, for now, nobody will do anything you don't want", he promised.
Seungmin's heart beat harshly in his chest. His ears were ringing, he was sweating and 'You are fine', he told himself. 'Take a breath, nothing is happening'. Slowly, the world got clear around him again.
"Chan?", he whispered, receiving a low hum, that he could feel in his chest. "Can you stay with me, please", he begged quietly.
"Of course, baby, whatever you want... Is there something else you want?", Chan wanted to know.
"M-maybe a... a blanket? They make me feel safe", Seungmin mumbled in embarrassment. "Yes, that's no problem. We will get you a blanket, I promise".
"Seungmin? Is it okay if we bring you to an examination room?", the manager asked. "It's not a real one, there aren't any scary machines or needles around. Just a stretcher you can lie on, some bandages and ice packs", Seungmin had to admit that the ground was uncomfortable. He gripped Chan's shirt and nodded.
"Can you walk? Or should I carry you?", Chan asked. "I wanna walk", Seungmin decided. No 'can', no promise that he would really be able to do it, but a request to try it. Seungmin had always been too proud to let others look after him, that's what got him in this situation in the first place.
The walk to the examination room was a big blur, Seungmin only remembering the elevator because his stomach had almost turned around and the two times that his legs had given up underneath him.
Chan lifted him onto the stretcher and then laid the promised blanket around his shoulders. The door closed and the two of them were alone.
"Can you... sit on here? So I can put my-my head... in your lap", Seungmin asked, blushing a bit. Chan didn't laugh, he just moved and sat down, pulling Seungmin up against his chest. "Is this okay?", Seungmin mumbled happily.
"Try to sleep a bit, alright baby?", he closed his eyes, consciousness slowly slipping away and a warm darkness overcoming him.
Seungmin got woken up by the door closing and a young woman entering. She wore normal clothes - jeans and a hoodie and she actually looked familiar to Seungmin.
"Hello Seungmin-ssi? I'm Eunji, maybe you remember me, I'm often at your concerts in case of sudden injuries", she smiled warmly at Seungmin and now he actually remembered her.
He nodded tiredly and tried to sit up a bit, but Chan held him down. "Just stay like this, alright?".
"Oh yes, you can stay down, I just need you to pull up your shirt so I can take a look at your injury. I'll be careful, I promise", Eunji added and turned around to a cupboard, opening one of the drawers.
Seungmin looked up at Chan, who smiled and stroked his hair. "I'll stay right here, if you want me to", Seungmin smiled back and took a deep breath.
He was alright. Chan was here, and he knew Eunji already, no strangers, no real hospitals, nothing to be scared off.
"Alright, the gloves might feel a bit cold on your skin", Eunji explained, her hands now in tight, white rubber gloves. Seungmin pulled his shirt up after hesitating for a second, lightly brushing his ribs and gritting his teeth.
"Ah yes, I can see", Eunji slowly lowered her hand as to not startle Seungmin and traced along his ribs and the bruised skin. Seungmin gripped Chan's arm and squeezed his eyes. The cold material and the pain made him uncomfortable.
"I don't think any of your ribs are broken and if they are, it's not so bad that it could cause serious damage. You can't do anything about broken ribs anyway besides surgery if they ruptured a lung but that shouldn't happen. I suggest you sit out of practice for at least two weeks", Seungmin nodded and Chan audible deflated in relief.
"Is there something else I should look at?", Eunji asked, as if she knew that Seungmin was hiding something. He gulped before he hummed. "Yeah, my left ankle", he admitted.
"What do you mean, what happened?", Chan wanted to know, furrowing his eyebrows. "Let's talk about this later, I will take a quick look", Eunji interrupted.
Seungmin was nervous, he was in pain and Chan seemed angry or disappointed and he hated being looked at as if he was a young child that had drawn on the walls and was now expecting a punishment.
He jolted when a hand suddenly gripped his foot, pain and the shock from the sudden contact making his heart skip three beats and panic grow inside his chest.
"Seungmin, hey, stop", he was being held down by Chan, trying to calm him but it caused quite the opposite reaction, making the panic float his veins and then Seungmin screamed in fear.
"Seungmin-shi, it was just me! Seung-", Eunji quickly took a step back and then bolted to one of the cabinets, opening it with a code and getting an oxygen mask.
Chan helped her put it on Seungmin's face, still holding him but with less strength as to not feed into his panic attack more.
Seungmin's heart was racing, the strong beats hurting in his chest. It felt as if his whole body was vibrating from the force, the air from the oxygen mask slowly clearing his senses.
"Better?", Chan asked and Seungmin nodded hastily, taking in some more breaths. "I'll leave you two alone for a few minutes", Eunji told them and quietly left the room.
"I'm sorry", Seungmin gasped. "No, baby, it's alright. You don't need to apologize", Chan whispered soothingly. "I'm... a-an adult", Seungmin sobbed. "And? Does this mean you aren't allowed to have fears? Everybody is scared of something, it's normal", Chan replied.
Seungmin whimpered in embarrassment. "I'm sorry that I got you into this situation, but if you are hurt someone needs to look at it. We can wait some more, do it tomorrow, but someone has to, okay?", Chan asked.
"Hmm, I know... Eunji can come back in", Seungmin answered, wiping away some tears. "Are you sure?", Chan wanted to know, "You don't have to". "I'm sure".
"Eunji-shi? You can come back in", Chan called and a few seconds later the door opened again. "I'm sorry that I scared you, Seungmin-shi", she apologized, while closing it.
"It's okay", Seungmin replied. "I'm sorry for screaming", he mumbled. "It's no problem", Eunji assured. "Maybe we can work together to look at you ankle? You take off your shoe and pull up your pants and I look", she suggested.
Chan helped Seungmin sit up, who carefully slit off his shoe and sock. "Oh Minnie", Chan gasped when he saw the state of his ankle. It was still less colorful than his ribs but the dancing had worsened the swelling.
"That looks definitely strained... Is it okay, if I touch your ankle?", Eunji said. Seungmin nodded and watched how she gently felt over the bumps and bruises. "It's really hot to the touch, probably because of your practice, you should ice it some more. Seungmin, are you able to walk with the ankle?"
"Yes, it hurts a bit, but it is manageable, especially with painkillers", he answered thruthfully. "Can you move it like normal?", "Hmm, yes". "Good, then it shouldn't be broken", Eunji said, smiling at Seungmin.
"But, no practice for at least two weeks, ice both your ribs and your ankle. Do not put too much pressure on it, just rest, I'm sure the others will look after you", she told them, winking knowingly at Chan.
"Of course we will", Chan confirmed. "Alright. I'll tell one of the company doctors about your injuries and your managers that you shouldn't practice for the next two weeks", Eunji concluded.
"And I will take you home now, yeah Seungmin? The others are probably going mad from worry", Chan stated. He thanked Eunji and then called one of their managers to get a drive home for him and Seungmin.
"You wanna walk? Or should I carry you?", Chan asked, but Seungmin only bit his lip. "I don't know", he mumbled.
"I... my-my shoe... it's...", Chan understood Seungmin without further explanation. He grabbed Seungmin's shoe and then helped him get on his back to carry him downstairs.
When they finally arrived at the van, Seungmin was on the verge of falling asleep so he didn't even realize how Chan buckled him up before sitting down next to him, holding him close during the drive.
When Seungmin and Chan arrived at the dorm, the other members immediately snuggled up to Seungmin, bringing him to the sofa and forcing him to lay there, not being allowed to do anything (Felix even insisted on following him into the bathroom).
Minho and Jeongin were cooking something in the kitchen, Chan went to talk to Changbin and the rest of the 00-line, cuddled on the sofa with Seungmin, watching tiktoks and playing random games on their phones.
When the food was finally ready, nobody wanted to fight with the 00-line to get them to the dining room, so all eight of them just ate in the living room.
"How are you feeling, Minnie?", Changbin asked afterward, when their plates were towering on the small coffee table and the maknae were scrolling through Netflix, trying to find an interesting movie.
"Better", Seungmin promised. "Good", Changbin didn't ask more and Seungmin knew that Chan had probably explained the situation to him and surely Minho too. None of them seemed angry or amused and that made Seungmin feel way better already.
And when the music of Frozen was echoing through the speakers and all off them were loudly singing along (not Seungmin, they had forbidden him to use his lungs as it could hurt him), he realized that his secret was safe with these seven boys and that all off them would fight tooth and nail to make everybody respect his boundaries, because they loved him and he loved them too.