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"Minho-ya? Where are you?"
"Minho? You didn't answer your door so I let myself in."
"Seriously, are you trying to scare me? Where are you?"
Minho's apartment is brightly lit and simply decorated with sports memorabilia and music show trophies in shelves around the walls. The TV is on, playing some soccer discussion show quietly and there's a half-drunk can of soft drink on the coffee table. He's home, of course, but where?
Kibum opens every door as he calls out, confused. The apartment isn't big, there’s nowhere really to hide, and it was totally unlike Minho to not meet him at the door.
He's tried everywhere except the one remaining door in the apartment, leading to the bathroom. It's not locked, but it is closed and there's no light coming from beyond the door.
"Ming, you ok?" he knocks gently on the door.
Nothing.
"I'm coming in, okay? You're scaring me."
What he sees when he pushes open the door is not what he expects.
"Hey, hey, woah! It's me! It's me!" Key lifts his arms up, eyes full of worry when he meets Minho's, blown wide in fear as he's cowered in the corner of the dim room, shrinking further into himself.
Kibum knows. He knows straight away. He's seen it before, many times. Just not in Minho, never in him.
"Just breathe, Minho, breathe. That's all I want you to focus on. I'm here, you're safe," Key slowly, gently kneels a short distance from him, cold tile under his feet, Minho never taking his eyes off him. He's scared. Terrified. Key's never seen him like this. There’s red around his eyes, just visible through the darkness. Fresh tear tracks are painting glistening lines down his cheeks. It’s awful.
It takes a few moments for Minho to register what Kibum has said to him. But he slowly repeats it in his head, closing his eyes. I'm safe with Kibum. I just have to breathe. Don't think about anything else, breathe. I'm scared, but I'm safe. Safe.
Kibum watches as the rise and fall of Minho's chest becomes more intentional, slowing in frequency. His own heart is hammering in his ears. He's scared too, scared of what could have possibly caused this reaction in Minho. It’s completely out of the ordinary.
"You're doing great, Ming. Keep breathing. Tell me if I can do anything." Kibum does what he can to keep his voice steady and low. He doesn’t move now that he’s sat down, not wanting to startle Minho.
Minho focuses on Key's voice as it echos slightly in the small room. Latches onto it, like a tether back to reality, not the world of panic he's enveloped himself in. It sounds like they’re underwater in Minho’s ears, muted and far-away. But he’s here. He’s seen him, he knows he’s here.
I'm scared.
I don't know what's happening.
I'm safe, Kibum is here.
Breathe.
What’s happening to me?
Why am I feeling this way?
Focus on breathing.
Minho's muscles are pulled tight in his arms. Kibum can see the way he grips his legs, pulled close to his chest. Veins bulging, hands shaking slightly as he uses all his strength to hold himself tight, fingernails carving small crescents into his skin. He’s shaking.
"Try and relax your body, honey, you're all tense. Breathe, you're safe here. Nothing bad can happen to you right now, I won't let it."
After a few more breaths, a few quiet, tension filled moments, the muscles slowly start to release some of the tension they've been holding.
"You're doing so well Ming. Do you know what's happening?"
Minho shakes his head.
I don't know what's going on, I'm scared.
I've never felt like this.
"You're having a panic attack, like what Taeminie has sometimes. You've helped him through them before, you know you're going to be okay too. I'm here, I'm going to get you through this one. Breathe, you're going to be alright."
Kibum feels the edge of the bathtub pushing into his back uncomfortably, tile surround cooling the skin of his back. He looks down and noticed his own hand shaking. He quickly balls it into a fist and forces himself to take a couple of deep breaths.
"Honey, can you tell me what you're feeling?"
Minho tries, opens his mouth but his throat is too dry, no sound gets through.
"That's okay, you just focus on getting your heart rate down. Push through the waves, I'm here, I'm not going anywhere."
Kibum can tell when a wave of panic and anxiety is washing over him by the crinkles next to his eyes, he scrunches them tight and tenses his muscles again before relaxing. He notices that he also tenses as Minho does.
"Hyung… hand," his voice is so quiet, raspy, it almost doesn't reach Key's ears. But in the silence, it slices right through to Kibum’s heart.
Key immediately shifts himself closer, reaches his hand out slowly and gently takes hold of one of Minho's. Minho holds on tight. 'Hyung' wasn't something he threw around. They were practically the same age, just months separating them. Only when something was really, badly wrong or when Minho was in a very sentimental mood did Key ever get called his 'hyung'.
"Need to feel you're here."
"I know honey, you don't need to explain. Anything you need. You're doing so well." Kibum rubs tiny circles over the back of Minho's hand, feeling the bulge of his veins beneath the skin.
A few minutes pass in silence, another wave of tension rising and falling, before Minho readjusts their hands to link their fingers and squeezes.
Key squeezes back, a silent reassurance.
Muscles relax back to normal over time, breathing becomes less forced and more natural, and eventually, Minho blinks his eyes open.
The bathroom is dark, only the light of the moon slightly illuminating the space through the window. It hadn’t been dark when he’d first collapsed on the floor. It still feels like it's bright.
And there’s Kibum next to him. Solid, consistent,there.
"Hey, how are you feeling?"
Minho can see the emotions Key is trying to hide. He never had been good at that. His eyes are tired, full of worry and fear, concern and love. He flits between them all, and even in the state he is in, Minho can read each easily.
He takes a moment to assess how he is feeling before replying.
"Still not perfect, but… better."
Key squeezes his hand, "You did well."
"I… I don't know where that came from, I've never felt like that before."
"I know, you scared me too,” Kibum looks down at their hands, “But we can try and work out what caused it later. For now I just want to make sure you're okay. Should we get off this floor?"
"Please." Minho realises his lower half is numb from sitting stationary on the cold ground for who knows how long.
Slowly, carefully, shakily, Key helps Minho off the floor and toward the door. Minho doesn't let go of him even for a second.
"Close your eyes for a second, okay? I'll turn the lights off so it's not too bright."
"Don't -"
"I won't let go. Promise."
So Minho does as Key asks and closes his eyes. Kibum carefully maneuvers them out of the bathroom and toward the couch, flicking lightswitches as they go, gently letting his hand fall to Minho’s waist and guiding them both to the comfort of the couch.
Minho thinks to himself that it would be an odd sight. Their height difference. Key leading him through his own apartment in the dark. Gentle, thoughtful. Their usual bickering dynamic nowhere to be found. Just care, love, concern.
Kibum and Jinki are who he turns to when things get hard, when worries become overwhelming, when he’s stuck in his own head. Minho knows he can call either of them, Taemin too, at any time of the day or night, and if they can, they will always answer. Key will listen, offer advice if that’s what Minho asks, or distract him if that’s what he needs, invite him over to eat a home-cooked meal, drink and talk or just watch a film. It’s hard for him to be honest about his feelings and his worries, but with Key it now feels easy. He doesn’t feel like a burden, Kibum has made sure of that always, he knows it’s okay to feel however he is feeling, and he knows he is supported by his friends and his family whenever he needs.
Usually, if he feels something is beginning to worry him too much, he’ll straight away call Key or Onew and talk to them. Today, he hadn’t been given that chance. A tidal wave of anxiety and paralysing fear had overcome him out of nowhere. He couldn’t put his finger on what had started it, what he was scared of, why suddenly he’d become overwhelmingly worried. It was a wholly unfamiliar experience and it terrified him.
He didn’t remember he’d invited Key over. Didn’t hear him knock, didn’t hear the door unlock and open, didn’t hear his calls until he’d knocked on the bathroom door and startled him out of his own thoughts momentarily.
Kibum was a surprisingly calming presence in his life now. For all his extroverted, loud and confident nature he put on display in the public eye, he was much quieter behind closed doors most of the time. Sure, they still bickered, still teased eachother, but they were so much softer. They looked after eachother, enjoyed quiet, simple moments, could just appreciate eachother’s presence without doing much. That had been the plan for tonight. Relax, order some food, watch a film.
They’re seated now, Minho still holding Key’s smaller hand in his own. He’s reluctant to let go. He knows Key doesn’t mind.
Kibum’s looking at him.
“Thankyou,” Minho says, quiet and honest.
“It’s okay, that’s what I’m here for,” Key lets his free hand play with Minho’s hair a little. Minho drops some tension he’s still holding in his shoulders.
“I really don’t know why it happened,” Minho glances out his window, able to make out the familiar view of the Seoul skyline lit up, and the moon hanging over it all.
“Taemin says it just happens sometimes. There doesn’t have to be something in particular to cause it. It could be your body trying to tell you something.”
“It could have picked a nicer way to let me know,” Minho pouts slightly.
The corner of Key’s lips picks up a bit, “Unfortunately I don’t think you get a say in it.”
“No fair.” Minho realises he likes having his hair played with. It’s very relaxing, and Key’s movements are so gentle it’s making him sleepy.
They stay for some time in this position. Minho closes his eyes, and Kibum continues his gentle strokes, carding through his dark hair. It’s quiet, but it doesn’t feel strange to sit like this in the silence. Not like it would have in the past. This feels natural now.
“You need a haircut,” Key quietly comments.
“Thought you liked my longer hair,” Minho hums.
“Mmm, I do, but you still need a trim. Long hair suits you, though.”
“You told me my hair suited me when we did Lucifer, I’m not sure I trust your judgement anymore.”
“Yeah that was a bad call. No one ever told me my hair looked good during that.”
“Because it didn’t,” Minho stifles a laugh, and Kibum playfully gives him a tap on the back of the head.
“I’ll let that slide for today,” Key smirks, glad to see Minho regaining some of his usual personality. Also you’re absolutely right, that was awful, he thinks.
“We were going to order food tonight, do you still want to?” Minho asks, opening his eyes.
“Do you feel like eating?”
Minho nods, “Honestly, I’m starving. I think I used all my energy panicking.”
“Let’s order then, I’ll get my phone,” Key shifts to stand, and Minho reluctantly lets him go, the first time he’s let go of Key’s hand for a while. He keeps his eyes on him as he walks to Minho’s table to pick up his phone and follows him as he returns to the couch.
He slips back down right next to Minho just as he was, and simply slides his hand back into Minho’s as he unlocks his phone.
He knows. He understands, even though Minho hasn’t stated it. That’s something he appreciates immensely about Kibum. He doesn’t have to explain everything, Key’s good at picking up on little things.
Kibum opens up a delivery app and passes his phone to Minho, “Get whatever you want, I’m happy with anything.”
They order, and then to Minho’s utter surprise, Key turns the TV on to his favourite sports channel as they sit and wait. He doesn’t even complain once.
They wait a long time for the food to be delivered, it’s late and it’s busy, and even though he’s hungry, Minho doesn’t really mind. He’s quite enjoying this peace he’s sitting in now after his earlier panic. At some point while they’ve been watching TV, his head has slipped onto Kibum’s shoulder. Key doesn’t react, just lets him lie there.
Minho’s eyes slip shut again.
“Yah, don’t fall asleep, you need to eat first,” Key tuts when he notices.
“Mmm but I’m so sleepy,” Minho whines.
“That’s normal after a panic attack, Taeminie always has to sleep for a while after. I think your body uses so much adrenaline you’ve not got much left to run on. Some food will be good for you, then you can sleep.”
“Can you stay tonight?” Minho asks. Key doesn’t usually stay at his place, he’s got the dogs to think about.
“I had a feeling I’d end up staying here tonight since we were meeting late. I asked Taemin if he could feed the kids tonight.”
That’s another thing about Key that Minho likes, he thinks ahead. He’s a logical thinker, organised and thoughtful. He’s not surprised that Kibum had already thought about it.
“Thankyou.”
“No worries.”
Finally, the food arrives and Minho lifts his head off Key’s shoulder so he can retrieve their meal. It’s simple western food, burgers and fries. Key sets it out on Minho’s table and then calls him over.
Minho’s glad to gain some energy back as he eats, and Key’s glad to see some of the brightness return to his eyes. There’s quiet commentary in the background from the sports program they’d left on. For once, Minho doesn’t care that he’s missing it.
They finish their dinner and tidy everything away, sitting back on the couch. This time, Minho slips his hand into Key’s. Key doesn’t mind. He holds tight.
“Thankyou.”
“You’re thanking me a lot tonight.”
“You know I mean it though.”
“I know. You know I’ll always help whenever you need it.”
“I know.”