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All Marinette needed to do was relax. Take a deep breath, calm down, centre herself and relax.
She felt like she’d just been hit by a train, even though the train actually hit her the day before, Saturday, when Kagami showed up at her house and asked her on a date. The caboose had struck in the form of Tom and Sabine saying afterwards that Kagami had asked them for permission to do so on Wednesday.
Kagami was apparently possessed by the spirit of a pre-Enlightenment nobleman – who thought the height of romance was to ask someone’s parents for their daughter’s hand in marriage. Or maybe she’d just seen it in one of her mangas.
Either way, it didn’t dull Kagami’s charm. She was still confident, brilliant, purposeful, clever, with the most adorable freckles and an even more adorable smile, and Marinette wasn’t just smitten by her but smote as though from on high. She hadn’t said ‘Yes’ straight away, but that was only because she was so head-over-heels she couldn’t speak a single word.
And now they were going on a date in one and a half hours’ time, unless the universe itself was pranking her. She was pretty hopeful about it, but didn’t dare to put the chance of pranking any lower than twenty-five per cent. And a three-fourths chance of a real, actual date with Kagami had thrown her so badly that she’d been staring into the bathroom mirror for about twenty minutes now.
All she needed to do was relax, and wash herself, and put on some perfume, and replace her makeup, and go outside, and get over to Luxembourg Gardens, and also, she needed to brace herself something fierce because this was really happening, probably. Three-in-four chance.
Small steps first. Deep breaths. Water in face. Look at face. Easy. Get clothed, perfume, also easy, but a little harder. Makeup on. More difficult now – red or blue, darker or paler? Glitter or no glitter? No, glitter would be too far. Obvious or understated? Blush, or bronzer, or neither, or both? But she got through it – understated, eyeliner around the corners, a little blush and no bronzer, no trace of primary colours.
Go outside. Say goodbye to parents and withstand their silly little smiles and their sickeningly sugary, joyful comments and well-wishes. That last part was almost enough to freak her out, but once she got outside she had nowhere else to go. She couldn’t turn back now, even if she had wanted to.
Kagami was waiting by the Medici fountain. She had clearly gone for understated too, which made Marinette feel a little more at ease in her own choices. But Kagami was the understatement of the century – stunning without effort, strikingly gorgeous, her face a masterful painting framed by her lovely hair.
“Hello, Marinette,” said Kagami, coming up to meet her. She stood with her hands folded in front of her stomach.
“H-hello,” Marinette stammered back, and tried to smile. “Hi.”
“Hi.”
There was something about the look in Kagami’s eyes. It was playful, inquisitive, cheery, and on some level infectious, but Marinette couldn’t help thinking back to that Friday a little over a week ago, at the Louvre. Kagami had held her arm while they posed behind Tomoe Tsurugi for pictures, in that kind of way that would make any onlooker think they were together. Like, together together. And then, afterwards, she’d said it was to get under her mother’s skin.
And then, the two of them had had several long conversations over the phone. And yesterday, Kagami had turned up and practically proposed in the middle of the bakery, while there were customers inside. And those things didn’t seem quite as useful for getting under Miss Tsurugi’s skin.
“How are you?” said Marinette, to fill the void she’d created.
Kagami smiled, and the look in her eyes was strengthened. “I’m fine. How about you?” Her voice sounded like she was amused.
Marinette had a good enough grasp on the girl in front of her to recognise the parts that were genuine – Kagami was very good at expressing her emotions and needs, or at least she’d been good at it towards Marinette and Adrien and their friends. She didn’t really doubt that Kagami wanted this. And no matter what else was in her eyes, there was also satisfaction.
But still…
“Um, Kagami,” she said, having forgotten the question she was asked. “You know… this date?”
“Yes, I do.” Kagami nodded. “We are currently experiencing this date.”
“… Are you doing this to mess with your mother?”
The smile fell. “That’s very hurtful of you. Do you really think I’m being dishonest with you?”
No. “No – sorry. No. I’m just…” No, she emphatically did not. All she’d been wondering about was the exact balance of feelings in the mixture.
“You’re nervous.” The smile returned. “I suppose I am disobeying Mother right now. But rest assured, Marinette, I am here because I want to be here, with you. In fact, I would like you to be my girlfriend, and I hope that wish is to your satisfaction.”
Every word Kagami spoke hit Marinette like a fist to the stomach, and the last few of them put a strip of gaffer tape over her mouth for good measure. Of course Kagami wanted to be here, and wanted it to be a date, because she was honest to a fault and had made her intentions abundantly clear already yesterday. But just because the honesty was expected, didn’t mean it didn’t pack a punch.
Although, to be sincere, Marinette could listen to Kagami read the phone book aloud, cover to cover, and still feel like she’d been socked in the guts. Even if it were over the phone, she’d at least feel a little bit bruised. Or if it was just visual, if Kagami were on the other side of soundproof glass, Marinette could sit transfixed and watch her lips shape out the numbers.
“Marinette?” said Kagami, expecting an answer.
“Um! Um, um, thank you. I… um...”
Exactly how much Kagami could read on her face right now was hard to tell, but she absolutely caught on to something. She smiled, and held out her hands palms-up. “Is it fine if I hold your hands?” she asked.
Marinette nodded. Kagami took her hands and squeezed them gently. “Do you want to be my girlfriend?” she asked. “Squeeze if the answer is yes. And if the answer is no, you may kick me in the toes and run away.”
“I, um…” Marinette squeezed.
“Are you looking forward to this date?”
She squeezed again.
“You are sure you want to be my girlfriend?”
Another squeeze.
“Good. Then we’re girlfriends now.”
They were girlfriends now. Somehow. And again, even though it wasn’t at all unexpected (after all, why else would they be going out on a date, why else would Kagami be looking at her Like That, why else were they holding hands), Marinette knew that she’d struggle to land from this one.
Kagami let go, turned around, and wrapped her arms around Marinette’s right arm. “Of course,” she said, “I will expect you to use your words too. Otherwise, our relationship won’t be able to work, because I require compliments and attention from a partner.”
It took a few seconds for Marinette to catch on, because she started thinking about what she’d require from a partner, and found her thoughts blocked at every turn by visions of Kagami’s face. But then her ears connected to her brain and she half-started. “You, you look nice today.”
“I accept your attempt, but I’ll be expecting more later,” said Kagami, grinning cheekily.
“But you do look nice!” Marinette felt herself turn beetroot red. “I mean, you always look nice, of course, but you look nice today too and I like your jacket, and your freckles are um cute and why are you looking at me like that?”
“See, you’re getting better already.” Kagami tugged on Marinette’s arm, and started to walk slowly along the fountain. “You look nice too. Of course, I’ve never seen you look bad.”
That was Kagami’s way of paying compliments. Secure and confident, straightforward and without preamble. With an edge to her smile that meant she was having fun, because if she wasn’t having fun, she wouldn’t be handing out praise; and also, if she was handing out praise, she was having fun in the process. It was the sort of thing that Marinette might once have interpreted as Kagami making fun of her, but… not any more. Kagami was honest, and she was direct, and she was in control.
“Where are we going?”
“We’re going to a café on the other side of the street. You do remember I told you yesterday, right?”
“Yes! But I – but I don’t know which one you wanted to go to. Is, is it good?” she asked, feeling stupid and mean; obviously Kagami wouldn’t take her something terrible.
Kagami thought about it for a moment. “It’s not as good as Tom & Sabine’s Boulangerie Patisserie, but it’s pretty nice. They have outdoor seating, too, so we can see the fountain.”
“That sounds lovely.”
“Yes.”
What did Marinette want in a girlfriend? The question was tugging at her, because much though she thought about it, she was chronically indecisive and terminally flighty. She’d been in love with Luka and Adrien, and truthfully she must also have been in love with Alya along the way, but there was no common thread between them.
Luka had been gentle and determined, pursuing her with the gentle air of a scientist on the lookout for a fragile specimen of a rare plant; he was creative, too, and he had loved her so deeply he forgave her even her worst faults. Adrien was kind and open-hearted, and he’d trusted her with his life and his deepest secrets both; she had loved him for almost a whole school year, because his reservedness felt genuine at a level most people could only aspire to. Alya was brave and intelligent, and a hard worker at everything, even interpersonal matters. She had inspired Marinette to be a better and more self-assured person, and while their particular story’s bus had stopped at the Friends station, it was a deeper friendship than she’d had with anybody else.
And Kagami – she was nothing like any of them. Sure, she was determined like Luka, but her determination was fierce and energetic. She was honest like Adrien, but her honesty was of a different kind, masked just enough to fool someone who didn’t know her but obvious once you got close enough. And she was a hard worker like Alya, but Kagami’s hardest work was put into getting better, into attaining some standard or goal that had been set either by herself or by her mother.
It was a futile exercise to work out a common thread between them all, and in a way it only distracted Marinette from the here and now. From her girlfriend. But also, every way she picked at it, she returned to Kagami – to her smile, to her eyes, to the feel of her hands.
“You’re very warm,” said Marinette as they waited for the light to change.
“I’ll choose to take that as a compliment too,” said Kagami, “but I’m sure you can do better.”
“I like it,” Marinette went on, speaking quickly to correct herself. “I mean… I like how your hands feel against my arm.” Once again, she started blushing profoundly. “I like… I like the… I like your… I don’t dislike, I, um, it’s nice.”
Kagami smiled. “Thank you. I’m glad you like it, because I’d love to keep holding on to you.”
“Um?” A tea kettle was whistling in Marinette’s ear.
“It’s good that you like it when I touch you, because you’re going to have to get used to it.” She kissed Marinette on the cheek, and then they walked the rest of the way to the café in silence. Or, at least, Marinette couldn’t hear anything, or even process anything that came in through her other senses; all she was aware of was the arms that held her in place – so she wouldn’t blow off into space and shatter into dust against the moon.
Her faculties only returned when Kagami guided her down on a chair and the arms disappeared, but the signal in her mind still fired on overdrive. She was useless as a girlfriend – she knew it all too well – emotions turned her into a helpless baby splashing around in a pool, unable to articulate her feelings or repay any gestures. Any romantic partner would be sure to notice, would be sure to lose patience with her.
Luka had been frustrated away from her because of that, in a sense. Adrien had never truly learned about her feelings for him, because she never got a word out to him about it. Alya had tried to push her towards both Luka and Adrien, to get her out of her shell. In the end, Alya never noticed that a part of Marinette was also useless in her presence, and Marinette had failed to see the signs, because when you’re in a forest you forget about the trees that aren’t right next to you.
But Kagami didn’t seem frustrated by that uselessness. She actually seemed to be having fun with it. Now she was smiling at Marinette from across the table, one of those small smiles you make when something is funny in a cute way. Even though the last thing she’d said was ‘Um?’.
Maybe she was used to interpretation. Maybe she had been forced to do it so much that she could read Marinette’s feelings as easily as she could read the massive signs that lined the street. Maybe Marinette’s adoration seemed readily available, in comparison, while Kagami had to work hard to earn even her mother’s acceptance.
… And that thought was horrifying. Marinette would need to do better. Far better.
“Thanks for inviting me,” she said, putting effort into getting every syllable as distinct and comprehensible as possible. “I’m – I’m really happy, Kagami.”
She could see that the message landed, because Kagami’s eyebrows lifted, and her nose stiffened just a little bit. But she didn’t answer. She pointed at the menu instead. “What would you like, Marinette?”
“I’d like yo- um,” she blurted out, getting her cards mixed up for a second, “what do you want to have?”
“Well… I was thinking about orange juice. Remember, that’s what we had the day we became friends? I wanted to have it again today, because… well. I think it can be our drink.”
“Oh… that sounds lovely. We can both have orange juice!” And because it was nagging at the back of her brain, she added, “That’s such a sweet thought, Kagami, I love it.”
Once again, Kagami’s expression changed – this time to a sort of satisfied surprise. “I’m glad,” she said. “Then we will both have orange juice.”
“Yeah.”
Kagami also ordered a Danish, and Marinette got a slightly more healthy apple tart slice, and the juice turned out to be freshly pressed. And as they ate and chatted, Marinette found that she had an easier time talking now – whether because of her earlier resolve, though, or just Kagami’s gentle but persistent coaxing, she couldn’t tell.
“This pastry is very sweet,” Kagami said midway through.
“Just like you,” Marinette said, and though she stuttered a little bit, she didn’t retract it afterwards or try to scoot past it. And Kagami blushed a little, but didn’t reply.
Meanwhile, the apple tart was a little bitter. That was harder to turn into a compliment, so she didn’t bring it up.
“Mother thinks I’m at a fencing meet,” Kagami said later, unprompted. “I don’t think she’d take kindly to us dating.”
“… Oh, Kagami…”
“But don’t worry, I can keep tricking her. She won’t find out about us.”
Something in Kagami’s expression shattered Marinette. She still seemed mischievous and optimistic, but it was also easy to tell that she felt caged at home. Marinette had no doubt that Kagami was clever enough to lie about her relationships, but – that was just postponing the issue.
So she shifted her chair closer to Kagami, so close that the chair legs almost touched, and she gave Kagami a hug. “I just want you to know that you’re an amazing person,” she said, almost as a murmur, breathing it into Kagami’s ear. “I’m telling you that as your friend. But also, as – as your girlfriend. I’m sorry I’m not the best at saying things out loud. But I want to be there for you.”
This time, she couldn’t see how Kagami looked. But from how long it took Kagami to react, she imagined surprise must be a pretty significant part of the potpourri.
“… Thank you,” Kagami said. “That means a lot to me.”
“If you need to hear nice things, I’ll tell them to you. If you need attention, I’ll give it to you.” The words flowed with surprising ease; not easily, but unconstrained, and without any stammering. “And I hope you get to avoid your mother as much as possible.”
There was a brief cackle over Marinette’s shoulder. “You know, I might start to think you’re overcompensating,” Kagami said, but the words were gentle, the edges sanded off. “But thank you. I might need that from time to time.”
“Any time.” Marinette let go, slowly, and sat back in her seat, but she put her hands on Kagami’s knee.
And Kagami looked down at the knee, and asked: “May I hold your hands again?”
Marinette laughed. “Of course you can. You don’t need to ask. But… it’s nice when you ask, I think. It feels… sweet.”
An hour later, they were walking down by the Seine. They weren’t really talking any more – only sharing snippets of conversations, bits of information about people they knew or that they could see while they walked.
And once again, Marinette’s thoughts fell to what she wanted from a partner. Kagami wanted safety, and attention, and reassurance; she wanted to hear the nice words she didn’t get at home, and the warm touch of someone she loved, and the feeling of being seen by someone, and she had somehow found all that in Marinette, and Marinette wanted to rise to that challenge, to give her all the things she didn’t have enough of.
But Marinette wanted… something else. She got love at home, and she got kind words from her friends. She had safety in her own house. She didn’t really need any of that. What she needed was… someone who understood her. Someone who could read the quiet parts about her and express them back to her, and encourage her to get them out. Someone who could take control for her when she lost her grip, could be stable against her teetering, ladybug-like susurrations.
All the other things – courage, persistence, smarts, drivenness, honesty, geniality – were just little extra bonuses.
(And Kagami knew her secret, and that meant she understood the one thing that Luka hadn’t.)
When they reached the underpass of Pont de Sully, Kagami pulled on Marinette’s arm and stopped their walk. “I don’t think we should be seen together any closer to my house,” she said.
“Oh,” said Marinette. She’d expected it, but she’d expected, hoped, it would happen a little later.
“But… thank you, Marinette. I had a wonderful time with you.”
Marinette smiled at her. “I did too. Um, with you, I mean. I had a wonderful time with you.”
“Is it fine if I come to Françoise Dupont tomorrow, and pick you up after school? I’d like to take you out for ice cream.”
“A… second date?”
“Technically the third, if you count the museum,” said Kagami, smiling. “Are you up for it?”
Marinette hesitated, but nodded. She felt her eyes grow wide; she was going to have a public girlfriend tomorrow. Everyone at school would know. And somehow, it felt comforting more than embarrassing.
“Also, I would like to kiss you right now,” Kagami added, like it was an afterthought.
Marinette stood paralysed, unable to speak or move – but of course she wanted it, and of course Kagami wanted it, because otherwise why were they here, as girlfriends, planning their second-and-a-half date? She watched as Kagami moved closer, she felt Kagami’s arms slip around her back, and she mimicked Kagami when she puckered her lips. And then she cut out all her senses bar touch, bar taste, bar smell. She kissed back, her hands on Kagami’s shoulderblades, her mouth filling with Kagami’s precious breath, her heart beating like a woodpecker.
They split apart, and Kagami looked her in the eyes. “I love you,” she said. “And – I can tell you feel the same way, so… you don’t need to say it back tonight. Okay?”
Kagami was no longer just smiling; she was beaming. And Marinette pulled her in for a hug, so that she wouldn’t see the redness on her face. “I promise I’ll say it back,” Marinette said.
“I can’t wait,” said Kagami.
And they went each their own way, Kagami following the Seine further down and Marinette climbing up the stairway to Quai Henri IV.
Marinette knew now what she wanted in a partner. She wanted Kagami. And she wanted to take Kagami on a billion more dates, and to give her all the love she required and deserved.