Chapter Text
Roman watched as the other sides fell for each other. It didn't hurt, no, not at all. No, it didn't hurt when Logan came to him to ‘get rid of these feelings’. It didn't hurt when Roman told him these Romantic feelings for the other sides wouldn't disappear. It didn't hurt when Logan thanked him for the feedback and left. It didn't hurt when Patton came to Roman next asking for cute ways to confess. It didn't hurt when he spent hours with Pat planning on how to confess. It didn't hurt that Virgil would always come to him to rant about how pretty the others were. It didn't hurt when he saw how Virgil looked at the others. It didn't hurt to come downstairs for dinner and see Virgil kissing Pat. It didn't hurt to see Logan shut himself off until the others talked to him. It didn't hurt when they told him about their relationship. No, it didn't hurt, so Roman just smiled brightly and congratulated the others. He pushed his feelings as far away as possible. Only thinking about them when he was alone and could cry.
Roman acted normal. He really didn't want to lose the others because of his dumb little feelings (at this point these feelings weren't little). Roman still ate dinner with the others, ignoring the small little gestures passed around He still watched movies, but opted to sit on the far end of the couch or the armchair saying that he didn't really feel like touch at the moment. The others just shrugged it off and continued to snuggle. He still had his playful banter with Virgil but it always ended early because someone, who was more important, was in need of Virgil. He still baked with Pat but something always felt off. He still tried his best to listen to Logan's lectures but now Logan never looked at him when talking or if he did, it was barely a glance. Roman acted normal like none of this hurt him. Like none of this was slowly destroying him.
Roman started to fake everything. His smiles, his laughter, his words. He would plan out everything he said. Always acting as the loud boisterous prince he was. Every morning it was a little harder to smile. Even when Roman felt like he couldn't get out of bed he did. He couldn't show that anything was wrong. He couldn’t show weakness. He wasn't allowed to be weak, so he continued life hiding the unlikeable, and unlovable parts of himself. He was a good actor for a reason.
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It was a regular night. Roman went downstairs for dinner, already faking a smile. He had spent most of the day up in his room brainstorming new ideas for the next video. As Roman came down, he saw the other three already waiting at the table. They were just chatting and when he came into view, they turned and waved. Logan sent out a little nod while Pat jumped up and ran to get the food.
“Hey prince charming,” Virgil said. Romans heart leaped at the nickname but only sighed.
“I wish,” Roman sat down. Virgil just raised an eyebrow at him. “Like it's hard getting a date nowadays. Everyone in the imagination is either straight, too nervous to date a prince, or I have dated them before.” Logan and Virgil shared a look. Pat, overhearing, yelled from the kitchen.
“It's okay Roman, you'll find love someday!”
Roman knew Pat was trying to be helpful but that stung. Of course, Pat didn't consider Roman wanted him.
“Aww thanks, Padre. One day I'll serenade someone with Disney songs.” Roman said that like he didn't want to do that constantly to the people in front of him.
“I feel sorry for the person who has to listen to that,” Virgil smirked.
Roman gave an indignant gasp. Pat came back with the food and everyone settled down. The conversation dropped and dinner continued as normal.
Eventually, somehow, the conversation rounded back to Roman’s failure of a love life and Virgil, as a joke, said: “I don't know, Ro, maybe you're just unlovable.” Roman knew it was a joke, but his heart still shattered. Shoving down the pain, Roman faked a laugh.
“Ha, maybe, but maybe there's a perfect boy out there for me.” Roman really felt like crying. Logan gave him a quizzical look.
“Nobody is perfect Roman. It's quite impossible.” Roman wanted to scream but all he did was shake his head.
“Let me dream, Logan.” Roman said, sadly. The table went into an awkward silence after that until dinner was done. Pat immediately offered to clean up but Virgil stopped him.
“No, you already made dinner. Go sit down on the couch.”
“But I wan-” Patton got cut off by Roman.
“No way. Listen to the emo nightmare and relax for a second.” Roman gently pushed Pat to the couch. His hands burned at the touch. Patton sighed and walked over to the couch. He started to look through movies while the others cleaned.
“So, what are we watching tonight?” Roman was sweeping and casually asked. He honestly didn't really want to watch a movie tonight. Suddenly, everyone looked kinda guilty.
“I’m so sorry Roman, but…” Pat tried fighting with his hands. “Umm.. we.. wanted….”
“What Patton is trying to say is that we were hoping for some time to ourselves.” Logan continued. Roman smiled despite the pain. Of course. They never wanted him there, anyways.
“Oh of course! Well then have a good night.” Roman bowed and got out of there as fast as he could.
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Roman sat on his floor, the tears already falling. Of course they didn't want him. Who would? He's loud, obnoxious, narcissistic, and the rest much preferred the quiet environment. Roman let out a small laugh. No one wanted him. Not even his own brother. Not even the people he had grown up with. Not the people who knew him forever but of course why would they. He was Roman, he was scarred, vain, self centered. He was too busy focusing on himself to notice the others. Why would anyone ever look at him with love and kindness in their eyes? Why would Virgil want to love him? Especially when Roman had hurt Virgil so much already? Why would Logan love him? He preferred quiet, respectable people. Roman is neither. Why would Patton love him? Patton would just feel forced to love him. Roman's body shuddered at the idea of confessing.
Roman never wanted to hear the rejections. He didn't want to hear the disgust in Virgil's voice. He didn't want to hear Patton trying to stay friends. He didn't want Logan to ignore him afterwards. Roman couldn't deal with their rejections. He couldn't deal with them never loving him. He would be fine with their platonic love.
Roman sat on the floor, crying with the same thoughts running through his head. Unlovable, loud, evil, narcissistic, obnoxious, useless, Useless, USELESS!
These thoughts ran through every corner of Roman's mind. They were so strong, and Roman… Roman was so weak.
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Roman, tired of crying, decided to go to the imagination. Maybe he could distract himself with a good fight. Mentally, before he stepped through the door on the other side of his room, Roman put the difficulty of the imagination to a higher setting. He took a breath and stepped into the bright fantasy world.
It took a few seconds for Roman's eyes to adjust to the different light. He had stepped into his castle. The imagination worked differently than the mindscape. Roman (and Remus) had full control over the imagination, but they still gave sentience to their creatures. It made it feel more alive. Most of Roman's creations were kind and peaceful while Remus' were wild, and crazy. And for basically that exact reason, the imagination was split in half. A big brick wall reached into the sky, always separating the twins. (Sometimes, Roman wished he could break down that wall. Physically and metaphorically).
Sighing, Roman walked out of his castle and made his way through the town. It was nighttime, so the only noises were the rustling of trees and the occasional meow. Roman continued to walk to the woods where people wouldn't notice him fighting. He found a large clearing and decided to fight here.
Roman conjured a dragon in front of him and pulled out his sword. It honestly was one of his best creations. Too bad the entire point was to fight it. The dragon roared, and Roman pulled out his sword. Deciding to make the first move, Roman leaped forward to strike. His first stick was blocked by a claw, not giving up he swung his sword again. This time he hit the scales. In the corno of his eye Roman noticed a wave of fire coming after him. Jumping back right before the fire hit him. Roman changed right back in. This went on for a good while. Roman knew he could quickly end this but he liked the fight so far. Suddenly, Virgil's voice filled Roman's head.
“Maybe you're just unlovable.” Roman continued to attack, ignoring the voices.
“You’ll find love someday” Pat's voice was next. The entire reason Roman came here was to not think of them. Why were they still here?
“Nobodys perfect, Roman.” The way Logan said Roman felt like he was being stabbed. Roman did his best to ignore the voices and fight. The dragon seemed to be losing energy, and Roman had made a few good hits. But the voices kept on repeating, distracting Roman.
“Unlovable, Someday, Roman, Unlovable, Someday, Roman.” Roman shook his head.
In his effort to get rid of the voices, Roman didn't notice the tail that was rapidly approaching him until it hit him. Roman went flying through the air. His flight was stopped by a tree. His entire body lit up in pain. Letting out a small groan, Roman took a second and jumped back up. He knew he didn't have time to dwell on injuries.
He was pretty used to getting small scrapes and bruises in fights but never had Roman gotten this Bruised before. Okay, that was a lie. Roman got hurt a lot but it was never something he couldn’t heal quickly. His body ached but the pain drove away the voice. Doing his best, Roman raised his sword ready to end this fight.
He was able to slay the beast with little injury after that. Now all that was left was a pile of golden ash that was slowly disappearing. Roman knew he could have just sunk out to his room but he felt like walking back to the portal. Every step sent up a small flicker of pain. In all honesty, Roman didn't care. The physical pain overrides the mental pain. For once in the past few months he wasn't thinking about the others. The only thing on Roman's mind was getting back to the portal to take care of the bruises.
Roman didn't know if he should be happy or sad that it was a short walk through the forest. On one hand, the pain (obviously) hurt but on the other hand, it got rid of every other thought in his mind. Reaching the end of the forest, Roman forced himself not to limp. If the villagers noticed, they would keep him down here until he was healed. The problem was that it would probably take a few days depending on how Thomas was feeling. Roman noticed that if Thomas was happy or in love, his scrapes would heal a lot quicker than if he was feeling anxious or depressed. And right now, Thomas was not really in the best position. He’s been finishing with Nico recently. And if the villagers kept him down here, two things would happen. One, Pat would notice and try to help, and Remus would be alerted. Both things were bad. Patton would be forced to take care of him and wouldn't have time for other stuff, and Remus would either laugh at him, not care, or tell the others. And Roman couldn't deal with anyone knowing. He really didn't want them to feel forced to take care of him.
So taking his usually confident walk, he stepped into town, nodding and saying hello to the people around him. Luckily, it was the early morning now so not many people were out. Normally, he would stay and help out around the town and play with the children, but this was not a normal day. So, he just used the excuse that he had a lot of work. Finally, he reached his castle and regained his limp. The hardest part was probably getting up the stairs. Roman was really regretting making the castle historically accurate. He limped to his room and stepped into his closet. A bright light filled his eyes. It took a few seconds to adjust his room.
Taking a breath, Roman locked his door and undressed. Underneath his princely outfit was a simple black shirt and some leggings. Mainly because the prince outfit was scratchy and the underclothes helped when he got cold.
Once he had gotten everything off, Roman stepped in front of the mirror and dropped his glamor. His “glamor” was just used to hide all of Romans scars. He didn't get hurt too much, but sometimes (like today), he didn't doge fast enough. The wounds most of the time were small and not too deep but they still scared. Roman preferred to hide them. They showed weakness. The scars showed that he wasn't strong enough to protect the others. Another reason why he shouldn't love them. He would never be able to be strong or good enough.
Purple and blues had started to stretch and form all across his body. There were some spots where there was more bruising than others. Roman knew it would totally suck for a few days but that wouldn't matter. Summoning ice packs, bandages, and some cream, Roman sat down and got to work. First, he spread the cream on. Then, where it wouldn't be too noticeable he wrapped around bandages. Lastly he put some ice on his chest and just lied on the floor and fell asleep.
Around an hour later a knocking on his door woke Roman.
“Roman? You okay?”
It was Patton. Wincing, Roman got up. “Roman?” The knocking got a little bit more practice. Roman stood and snapped his fingers. His prince outfit was back on and all his cruises and screws were hidden. He walked over and opened the door.
“Sorry padre. Was just taking a short nap.” When Roman opened the door, Patton had a look of extreme worry on his face. Oh, Roman hated seeing Pat like this, but it was somewhat nice seeing that he at least cared about him in a sense. Patton jumped forward and tried to hug Roman. Emphasis on tried. Roman stepped back on instinct. A flash of hurt Jumped over Pat's face. “Oh! I'm sorry! Are you okay?”
Patton just gave Roman a hurt look. “No, no I should be sorry. I didn't ask first. Anyways, breakfast time!” Patton’s usual smile retired to his face. Roman really didn't feel like pretending everything was okay so he made up a flimsy excuse.
“I’m actually feeling pretty tired. Had a pretty long adventure today. I’ll just eat later.” Something flashed on Patton's face. Did Roman say something wrong?
“Roman, you can't adventure all night! That's not healthy! I’m going to bring breakfast up and you better be in bed resting.” Roman didn't want Patton to worry over him, especially when Patton had more important things to do.
“No, no it's all good. Don't worry, I was mainly just walking around.” Roman really hoped Deceit didn't sense all his lies.”I just need a quick nap and I'll be fine.” That seemed to pacify Patton.
“Okay! I’ll put a plate in the fridge for you later.” Patton turned around and left after that. Roman closed and locked the door. He really didn't have time to sleep, he really needed to work on some ideas for a video. Patton wouldn't notice if he didn't rest anyways.
With a quick snap of Roman's fingers, his room transformed from a bedroom to a study. Roman looked over to the corner that held his paint supplies. It had been a while since he had painted. Honestly it was his only hobby other than adventuring. He had sketched a ton of sketches that he wanted to paint, but everytime he tried to sit down to paint he realized he had something to do or felt useless for taking a break.
Pulling his eyes away, Roman walked over to his desk that was littered with papers. The desk was placed right in front of a window that looked over the imagination. When he sat down, a jolt of pain brushed through his body. Ignoring it, Roman got set to work. Luckily, after his adventure ideas were able to flow pretty well.
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It was around 3 pm when Roman decided to stop working and get some food. The only reason he did stop was the fact that his stomach had been loudly growling for the past 10 minutes. Stopping in front of the mirror, Roman made sure his hair was perfect and his outfit had no wrinkles. He had already put on a fake smile before heading out the door.
When he headed downstairs, the others were all just chilling quietly in the living room. Deciding not to disturb their peace, Roman just walked to the kitchen, giving Logan a small nod. Pat was snuggled up to Virgil and they were sharing headphones. Logan was reading a book. Roman opened up the frigid and found a plate with his name on it. It looked like Pat made bagels today.
Every movement still hurt but that didn't really matter. Honestly, Roman liked the pain. He felt like he deserted it for being weak and it helped to get rid of the voices in his head. A few times he had accidentally winced but the others didn't notice. Roman really didn't want them to feel forced to care for him. It's not like anyone would genuinely want to make sure he's okay anyways. Roman ignored the pain that burned in his heart and finished his food and looked over at the others.
Virgil was sitting on the couch listening to music, and Logan was chilling on the armchair reading something about space. Patton was idly scrolling through netflix and was snuggling with Virgil. They all looked so peaceful and happy. Roman wanted to sit on the floor with them and just draw but he knew he would just disturb the peace. Patton stood up disrupting Virgil who let out a small grunt of annoyance.
Pat leaned down and pressed a kiss to Virgil's head as an apology. Roman tried his best to stop the pain and sadness that rose up but it still hit him. He really wanted to be that person receiving the kiss, or even giving it. Roman shook his head and moved to wash his dish. Patton had gone around to the others and quietly asked them something. Roman just looked with yearning.
How Roman wished for the others to care about him. How Roman wished for the others to be there when he got sick or injured. How he wished for the love they gave each other. How he wished for their touch. How Roman wished for anything from them. Even if it was a quick glance or a jab. Maybe if he got them to hate him they would pay more attention to him. No, He couldn't do that. He could barely deal with them not caring about him but if they hated him…. Roman didn't think he would survive. Roman was drawn out of his thoughts.
“Roman?” Patton was trying to get his attention. “Will you join us for a movie marathon?”
“It's 3 in the afternoon.” Roman dont know why he was questioning this. And looking at Patton's face, so was he. They did this all the time. Most of the time it was Roman trying to convince the others to do a movie night at 3 pm, but that was before they had gotten all together… That was when they wanted him around.
“Oh.. Does that matter?” Pat clearly was upset at that. Roman really hated seeing him like that. He wishe- Unlovable, Someday, Roman the others words flashed in his head. He Couldn't. He knew he couldn't accept it . It was probably just a pity invite anyways. Hiding his wince as he turned around, Roman said.
“No you're right it doesn't matter, but sadly I won't be able to join. I have a lot of work to do. Those ideas don't make themselves do they?” Patton didn't look too disappointed. Roman was just glad Patton was able to keep the relife off his face. Smiling, Roman headed upstairs.
If Roman had looked behind him he would have noticed Pat coming back to the others, shaking his head. He would’ve noticed that the couch always felt too big. He would’ve noticed the others' looks. He would have noticed that maybe his feelings were reciprocated. But he didn't. Roman didn't look back because he couldn't bear to look at the ones he loved. Not when they didn't love him back.