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Squall's head was pounding. He felt nauseous. Out of breath. Exhausted...
And yet never more sure of himself than at this very moment.
...Which isn't to say he hadn't been a complete mess of emotions up until now. A push, or more like a series of shoves really, from his friends had been exactly what he needed to stop moping and actually do something.
His friends... It was weird to think of them as such, now. But that's what they were. His chosen family. He was grateful for them as they cheered him on when he shoved the security guard aside and entered the Sorceress' Memorial building. He faintly heard the commotion behind him; Zell was restraining the guard, Selphie tripping another with her nunchucks... He heard Irvine's laughter and Quistis shouting commands to lock the automated doors.
His heart swelled; he'd have to thank them properly someday, but for now Rinoa was the only thing on his mind.
The place was fortunately small, and after a small corridor he found himself in a room full of engineers and machinery around a giant, vertical casket of glass.
And there she was. Motionless, lifeless. He was suddenly reminded of when she was in a coma... yesterday? Two days ago? It felt like a week since she'd woken up and was possessed and Squall had definitely been running on fumes since then. He snapped back to the present moment when he heard the shout of one of the scientists;
''Hey! What are you doing here!? This is a restricted area!'' A man in a lab coat was briskly walking towards him and somewhere, a red light started flashing, an alarm blaring.
To Squall's surprise, a surge of anger swept through him and in a flash he had his gunblade in hand. The scientist stopped in his tracks, hands in the air.
''I'm doing what I should've done earlier.'' Squall muttered through gritted teeth.
(I'll never know unless I do it.)
''What are you talking about?'' All the other engineers had stopped whatever they were doing and were cautiously trying to make themselves as small as possible.
(I know what I want and what I have to do. There's still a chance. I'm not gonna look back.)
''I'm taking Rinoa with me.''
''What!? The sorceress? You must be joking, it's too late!''
(Her name is Rinoa!)
''See if I am.'' And with that he cocked his weapon, chambering a round and fired it a mere foot to the left of the scientist, the bullet embedding itself in the wall in a spray of plaster dust. The team of engineers needed no further convincing and quickly exited the room, giving Squall the widest berth possible.
Squall wasted no time getting up the stairs to the platform just in front of the casket, putting his free hand on the cool surface, studying Rinoa's face. He felt nothing coming from her, and the hairs on the nape of his neck stood up at the implications.
(Is it really too late? There has to be a way to reverse this!)
Rinoa, hold on! I'll get you out!
He had no idea if he could even reach her with his thoughts like earlier, and he wasn't going to wait to find out. Turning to the control panel on his right, panic slowly clawed up his stomach as he attempted to make sense of the various buttons and lights before him.
''Hyne, what do I do!?'' He tried a few random buttons, stopped when he realized he could be making things worse, and punched the metal casing in a fit of frustration.
''What am I supposed to do!? Come on!'' He wasn't used to the feeling of panic that gripped him tight right now, his hands trembling, his stare frantic. The sounds of battle were in the hallway now; he could hear the sharp snap of Quistis' whip and the squeaks of Zell's shoes on the floor just outside, amidst the shouts of guards and the ever-present alarm.
(I haven't got long... Something! Anything!)
And then in a moment of clarity, his eyes came to rest on the various thick tubes that connected the panel to the casket...
''Okay, okay yes, okay...''
With a series of muttered curses he brought his gunblade down on them hard, using his shoulder to try and shield his face from the shower of sparks that rained on him. Smoke filled the room quickly and he couldn't see the casket clearly, yet the unmistakable sounds of pressure releasing and hydraulics locks breaking told him that his plan had miraculously worked.
He turned around just in time to drop his gunblade and catch a stumbling Rinoa in his arms, the weapon clattering to the floor noisily. Automatically his arms surrounded her and he cradled her closer to him, guiding her head to the crook of his neck with his hand so she could cling to him better for support. In a fleeting thought, he found it disconcerting how easy the motions came to him. He couldn't help closing his eyes and breathing her in, and it felt like the first breath he'd taken since he let her leave. He felt her exhale disbelievingly on his neck and her hands grip his shoulders hard, as if testing the reality of him being really here.
And the bond sprang back to life between them.
Violently, like the first gulp of oxygen after being underwater too long. It was almost burning, was almost too much. But it felt indescribably good. There were no clear words or sentences passing between them, only raw emotions, and fears, and what-ifs, and most importantly a feeling of immense relief, altogether overwhelming and terrifying and exhilarating. In those few seconds, all the din of alarms and shouts and battle just ceased to exist, and Squall knew, right then in his very soul, that he would absolutely die for this woman. This headstrong, beautiful, courageous, kind woman that, for some wild reason, had chosen him, time and time again, despite everything. She who had found the cracks in his armor, and poked and scratched at them until it broke down piece by piece.
The racket of the outside world slowly came crashing back around them as the bond subsided, still there but less encompassing. They slowly moved back to look at each other, still not letting go; Squall was panting lightly, from stress or emotion or exertion he himself had no idea, and Rinoa was shaking, her teeth clattering, still not back to normal after essentially being frozen in stasis.
''Squall, you shouldn't- you-... I'm a sorceress.'' She managed to blurt out between violent shivers, her eyes searching his for any sign of regret, or resentment, or doubt, even though she knew she would not find any. The bond had left nothing unanswered as to his intentions, yet she just couldn't seem to believe any of this was really happening.
''I know. I don't give a fuck.'' He looked into her eyes, his stare unwavering, and there was a determination there that was miles away from the nervous, shy Squall she knew him to be when they were this close, when they spoke this earnestly. She chuckled incredulously; Squall never swore. He always chose his words carefully and spoke politely. She had to admit she was quite smitten with this reckless, unpredictable new Squall.
The automatic doors to the lab opened and the two gave a start as Irvine's head poked in, his hat missing and his coat stained.
''Squall, Rinoa, how 'bout we move it shall we!'' The doors closed but not fast enough to muffle the cheers of the rest of the team upon discovering Rinoa was fine after all.
Facing Rinoa again, Squall tightened his grip on her arms, quickly looking her over for any obvious sign of injury. ''Let's go?''
She nodded and made to turn towards the door but he hadn't released her still. Puzzled, she looked up at him, meaning to ask what was wrong, but he surprised her by pulling her in a tight embrace once more. She felt him briefly nuzzle her hair and a wave of warmth spread from her chest to her toes, and she couldn't help putting a hand in the hair at the nape of his neck. She distinctly felt goosebumps there. She could get used to this.
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After a curiously easy escape from the facility and a warm reunion aboard the Ragnarok, it was quickly decided that they would lay low for a while at Edea's derelict orphanage. Rinoa insisted on being as far away from civilization as possible, citing her concerns of being possessed again and doing something horrible. The group disembarked and quickly set about scouting the area, making sure it was safe and they were truly alone. To their surprise, they found Edea already there, in the mostly intact main room of the builiding.
She was sitting in an old wooden chair near the lit fireplace, and seemed not in the least bit shocked of the gang's sudden appearance. Warm greetings and embraces were exchanged, yet Squall noticed that Edea couldn't seem to stop stealing glances at him and Rinoa, her brow furrowed.
(She looks like she wants to say something but... can't? She looks... worried?)
Irvine had taken it upon himself to bring their matron up to speed on what had happened, his enthousiasm at recreating their many battles contagious. Everyone seemed to finally breathe and be in good spirits after such a successful rescue mission, and no one noticed when Squall quietly walked away to check the perimeter once more, if only to clear his head and get some fresh air.
It was Zell who found him after a while, standing on the front steps of their ruined childhood home and looking over the endless fields of wildflowers.
''There you are! We were thinking of sitting down at the beach for a while! It's too cold for swimming yet but eh, we might as well enjoy the sights while we're here. You comin'? I might just doze off, I'm exhausted.'' Zell walked up and stood by his side, admiring the scenery.
''Doesn't seem like it.'' Was Squall's short reply. Zell dismissed the jab at his bubbly personality with a wave of his hand and a 'pfft!'. Weirdly enough he noticed that Squall was slouching, and only then did he take note of how tired he looked. He wondered if the man was truly on the verge of collapsing or if he was maybe, just maybe, starting to be a bit less formal and rigid around his friends. A warm wind blew through the plains then, and a singular ray of sun broke through the overcast sky. Zell sighed loudly.
''Man, I forgot most of my time here, but strangely... never this sight.'' He gave a start then, as if suddenly realizing something. ''Ah! ...Sorry!''
''About what?''
''I'm sure you'd like to be alone with Rin. Never really thought you were the roman- well you know.'' He winked and elbowed Squall on the arm mockingly.
Squall brought a hand to his forehead, rubbed the bridge of his nose and squeezed his eyes shut.
''Please shut up Zell.'' He moaned quietly.
Zell slowly grinned and crossed his arms, facing his friend.
''That color red suits ya, makes you look alive and shit, you know?'' He sensed Squall straightening up, deftly dodged the swipe of his hand and barked a laugh, using the momentum to jog back to where the rest of the gang was.
''I'll go get Rinoa, you stay right there!''
''Moron.'' Squall sighed.
''I heard thaaat!'' Zell shouted back in a mock singsong voice.
''I knooow!'' Squall replied with the same intonation. He heard Zell giggle and couldn't help smirking. Truth was, despite everything going on, he was strangely calm and relieved right now. He felt... safe? As if now that they were all together again, everything would turn out right.
(Maybe it's the several days without sleep and I'm slowly turning delirious.)
He noticed a fallen concrete column to his left and promptly sat on it, letting out a long sigh and rubbing at the scar on his forehead. When he opened his eyes again, Angelo was sitting in front of him, wagging her tail and pushing her muzzle under his hand. He scratched her behind her ear and she whined contentedly.
(So... What should I talk about when Rinoa gets here? Nothing about sorceresses evidently... I'm sure she's trying not to think about it... And who cares if she's a sorceress, right?)
''You don't care either, do you?'' He whispered to Angelo, who now looked at him with such adoration as only a dog could give.
(Rinoa's just Rinoa, sorceress or not.)
Angelo's ears suddenly perked up and she trotted to Rinoa's heel as she was approaching the fallen column. With a short command the dog calmly laid down behind it, panting happily. Squall looked back just as Rinoa plopped down on the impromptu seat next to him, sighing quietly. They stayed like this for a while, shoulder to shoulder and just taking in the sights; the sun occasionally illuminating a patch of field here and there through the clouds.
It came to him slowly, like bubbles coming to the surface of a deceptively calm pond.
A knot. Fear. Anxiety.
What will become of me?
Immediately they looked at each other. To Squall's surprise, she seemed to be aware that he knew her thoughts right then. It had to be one of her powers, he realized. Had to have awakened after Ultimecia...
''I'm sorry, I don't know... What's happening to us. This-'' She gestured vaguely between the two of them, ''-This only happens with you.'' She said softly, embarrassed.
Will I end up attacking you again? I don't want to hurt anyone!
''I can't seem to control it, I'm sorry-'' She added, a quiet panic creeping in her voice.
''Don't worry about it.'' Squall cut her off gently. ''Look, there have been many good sorceresses. Edea was one, despite what she has been put through. You can be like her.''
''But Edea's still... I mean, I can't guarantee anything either, if Ultimecia possesses me again...'' She took a deep breath and half-turned on the concrete pillar, looking at Squall intently. ''You saw me. She controlled me in outer space and made me break Adel's seal. What might happen next time? What will I end up doing? Will... Will I end up fighting everyone? ...Scary thought, isn't it?''
He turned and fixed her with that unwavering stare again, and she felt his mind (soul?) tentatively brush against hers with his own thoughts and feelings this time.
Rinoa, even if you end up as the world's enemy, I'll... I'll be your knight.
(That's how it goes, right? Sorceresses need a knight to protect them... Yet... they are far stronger than anyone. Who do they need protecting from that they can't do it themselves with pure magic?)
Her eyes welled up, and she pursed her lips to keep them from trembling. Squall noticed and looked at the ground, suddenly feeling bashful with the intensity of his show of devotion to her. A fleeting thought occured to him then; that this newfound bond was truly a blessing, because never in a hundred years could he have spoken those words aloud. Yet they were true all the same. And she needed to know this right now, she needed him to be there for her. He didn't know it at the time, but it was the first of many instances where he was actually glad for her sorceress powers.
Time seemed to stand still; the wind stopped, and even at the beach behind them it seemed like there had been a lull in the continuous crashing of the waves. As if the air itself hung heavy with the gravity of the unspoken vow. For several minutes, all that Squall could glean from her through their bond was deep, earnest gratitude and unabashed love. His cheeks felt warm, his ears felt hot, he felt dizzy and drunk. When her hand came to rest gently atop his between them he thought she must be hearing his heart beat through his chest. However, the comforting warmth he felt spreading from deep within soon died out as she spoke, as if he unconsciously knew in advance that this conversation was going to take a much darker turn.
''If... If I fall under Ultimecia's control again... SeeD will come kill me, right? And well, the leader of SeeD is you, Squall...'' Her hand left his, and she was nervously tangling and untangling her fingers together on her lap, while beside her Squall's blood ran cold and something heavy sat in his stomach.
Your blade piercing my heart.
''Squall, if that ever happens...'' She whispered, letting the bond continue the sentence for her, unable to say it, the words and the implication too terrible and powerful to be uttered aloud. As if somehow saying it would be like willing it into existence.
It'll be okay if it's you. I want it to be you. Nobody else.
At her words, anger flowed into him abruptly, like a broken dam. That she could even suggest such a scenario... no. He wouldn't accept it. He just couldn't bear the thought.
''That's enough!'' He shouted, standing up. Nervously he passed a hand through his hair to try and regain his composure. It failed. Walking a few steps forward, he tried instead to channel his anger elsewhere and not at her. He focused on the horizon, taking a deep breath.
''I'll never do anything like that. The sorceress I'm after is not you, Rinoa. My enemy is the sorceress from the future; Ultimecia.'' He added firmly.
He felt Rinoa's anger radiating from her before he heard her also getting up and advancing towards him.
''Ultimecia lives in the future and possesses me. She is using my body as her extension in this world. How, then? How will you save me!?'' She snapped back at him, seeing his shoulders tense up at once. He inhaled forcefully and turned to face her, and it struck her how disheveled he looked, how desperate and tired. And her anger just evaporated then, as quick as it had come.
''I don't know! I'll come up with something... There's just gotta be a way!'' He replied, exasperated, his voice cracking.
She just stood there looking at him, at a loss for words. He was being serious about this. It broke her heart how she had just dumped that responsability on him, should worse come to worst... But at the same time, she was steadfast; him. No one else. There had to be a kill switch, it was only sensible. She knew she was right on this one thing, and she knew Squall did too. It did nothing to abate the immense guilt she felt in any way though.
She had an inkling he had sensed her general internal monologue because he also softened then, sighing.
Please, just trust me.
Immediately:
I trust you.
They stood like that for a moment, face to face, unsure what to say or do next to climb out from the heaviness of the situation.
''Well...'' Rinoa began, ''Until you find a way, maybe I should stay in Esthar, at the memorial? Wouldn't that be better?''
Squall took a step towards her. ''No. That'd be pointless.'' Another step, very close now. He looked down into her eyes. ''I'd just end up going after you again.''
Rinoa... Just stay close to me.
''Oh!'' She giggled, the smile that lit up her face then setting butterflies afloat in Squall's stomach. ''Those words!'' She exclaimed, delighted.
''What?''
''That's kind of what started everything.''
The confused look Squall was giving her made her laugh loudly.
''What are you talking about?'' He was a bit annoyed now, but that had never stopped Rinoa before.
''You don't remember?'' She softly jumped from foot to foot, grinning up at him.
''Something I said?''
''Oh, you know what, just forget it!'' She gave him her most devilish smile, and he rolled his eyes.
''No, it's because of the Guardian Forces. That's why I forgot.''
Rinoa couldn't believe he had actually managed to say that with a straight face.
''Oh suuure, nice excuse!'' She punched him on the arm and burst into laughter once more when Squall flinched. Her joy was contagious, because of the bond or not he had no idea, and he couldn't help the small secretive smile from his lips.
''Feeling better?'' He asked quietly. Close again.
''Yeah.'' She whispered, eyes sparkling with contentment.
He wanted to touch her, be closer to her, but he felt awkward still and he just didn't know what to do. He was still mustering up the courage to simply touch her arm when she spoke up again.
''Can I tell you a story?'' She paused, waiting for his answer, and he nodded, letting his hand hang down at his side again, defeated.
''I fell asleep and had a dream while on our way here. It was... more of a nightmare really. We made a promise. We promised to see shooting stars together and- stop giving me that look! Just listen-'' She chuckled at the incredulous look he gave her, but soldiered on, determined to get this out.
''I get dressed up and put on your ring but, the thing is, I can't seem to remember where I'm supposed to meet you. And... I start to panic, because I really want to see you, but I just don't know where to go...'' She was struggling to continue, feeling embarrassed and visibly blushing, and Squall's heart swelled at the sight. But he waited patiently for her to continue.
''I start running through moutains, deserts, plains... Through Timber, Balamb, and Galbadia... When I realize I can't run any longer... I... I just want to see you so badly... So I just start screaming your name, just; 'Squall! Where are you!?' then I woke up. I'd been crying... It seemed so real.'' She sighed and chuckled nervously. Squall was taken aback at seeing her this unsure and... somehow ashamed of her emotions?
(This... is decidedly not like her usual self, and that probably means that this dream has shaken her bad; that she is trying to downplay the whole thing...)
''I'm sorry, you don't have to say anything. That there, is definitely your frowny thinking face.'' Another nervous laugh at the way he raised his eyebrows indignantly at her.
''I just felt like I had to tell you.''
''It was just a dream though. It doesn't mean anything. Don't worry about it.'' He meant it but the words felt empty, as if he dismissed her anguish. He did not, this was just the way he dealt with dreams -and nightmares- himself.
(Hyne knows we've got way more tangible things to be anxious about right now...)
He recognized that this was not the right thing to say right now. At all. There was a time, not too long ago actually, where he wouldn't have had that empathy.
''...I guess you're right.'' She turned from him and went to sit down again on the fallen pillar, and he didn't need the bond to tell him she did not feel any better about the dream after his platitudes.
''How about this...'' He began impulsively, stepping in front of her and crossing his arms. ''I'll be here.''
Rinoa looked up at him and cocked her head to the side, visibly confused. ''...What? Why?''
''The reason why you couldn't find me was because we haven't promised yet.'' He explained, taking his former seat next to her, comfortably resting his forearms on his knees.
''Promised...?'' She repeated slowly, unconvinced and raising an eyebrow.
''I'll be waiting for you. If you come here-'' He gestured broadly at the flower fields sprawling in front of them. ''-You'll find me. I promise.'' He looked at her from the corner of his eye then, a small smirk playing on his lips.
Her playful smile, back again and filling his whole universe.
''I'll be here, too. It's a promise!'' She threw her head back and laughed joyously. ''Thanks, Squall. This is so corny, I love it!'' She shoved him gently with her upper body and he gave an amused, short exhale through his nose, but he was blushing. Violently blushing.
A serene silence fell over the both of them, just content with each other's company and enjoying the early spring warmth.
Imperceptibly at first, Squall's whole body started to tilt forward until he realized what was happening and gripped the grooves of the column on each side of him with his hands, trying not to fall on his face. Rinoa jumped at his sudden motion and put an hand on his chest to steady him, eyes wide with worry. Squall cleared his throat, somewhat embarrassed.
''Yeah, I'm crashing... a little bit.'' He stated extremely matter-of-factly, and in other circumstances Rinoa would've burst out laughing at that statement, coming from him and the way he said it. Slowly she helped him slide down the pillar to sit directly on the ground, still holding his shoulders.
''Don't scare me like that! When's the last time you slept?'' She tried to sound angry but only concern came through. Squall gave a humorless chuckle as an only answer, and closed his eyes, trying to make the world stop spinning. He nevertheless noticed when Rinoa's hands left his shoulders, and was very aware of when she sat right next to him and nestled close, shyly putting her arm across his midriff.
The world seemed to be spinning for entirely different reasons now.
He opened up one side of his coat so she could be even closer and envelopped her shoulders with it, his arm resting on top of them. She gently laid her head in the crook of his neck, her breath tickling his throat and what he felt was exhilaration, potentiating between them through their bond. It was complete bliss and he felt like every single thing then was right in the world.
''I could... sleep like this...'' He whispered, faintly. Rinoa could feel his deep, calm breaths under her head, also lulling her to sleep.
''Let's.'' Was her only reply.
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''Hey guys, sorry to butt in but- whoa!'' Zell's hands went to his mouth to stifle a gasp and his eyes widened at the unusual sight before him. He hoped he hadn't disturbed the sleep of the odd couple, especially Squall's, whom he knew was a very light sleeper (and/or insomniac?) from their days as roommates in the SeeD cadets. Angelo had padded over to them, managed to get her head onto Rinoa's thigh and was also sleeping soundly. It made for quite the peaceful image, the three of them like this.
Quistis appeared behind him, took one look over his shoulder and quietly chuckled.
''Come on now, Esthar can wait. Let's leave them alone a while longer.'' She tugged at Zell's sleeve, trying to lead him away. A slow grin spread on Zell's face as they left the scene.
''Man, if only I had a camera...''
''Hmm, I believe Selphie has one.''
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The faint sounds of conversation reached Squall before anything else. Then he felt a bit cold, noticing with a pang of disappointment that Rinoa was gone from his side. Opening his eyes blearily, he heard her conversing with someone in a hushed voice, a few paces behind him. His neck hurt, his back was sore and he couldn't seem to feel his buttocks; yet he felt better than he had in days. Standing up slowly, he groggily ran a hand through his hair and brushed the dust off his pants in an attempt to look like he hadn't been literally sleeping on the ground.
(I actually slept for the... better part of the afternoon, if the sun is any indication. Huh.)
Rinoa was speaking with Edea.
A brief wave of panic swept through Squall and he immediately felt foolish. Edea was not possessed anymore, was not even a sorceress as evident from Rinoa's newfound powers. Yet something deep inside him, something more primal was still reliving the memories of those Iguion leaping for Rinoa, those ice spikes flying through his chest, and the terrifying aura of such wild, pure magic power.
Rinoa stopped mid-sentence when her eyes met Squall's and she smiled, briskly walking over to him. Edea turned and nodded to him, and though her eyes were full of warmth, still he could see that she was undoubtedly worried.
(What's going on...)
''There you are! Are you feeling better?'' She asked playfully, removing a twig stuck to his fur collar. Squall simply nodded, his eyes still locked with Edea's.
''What's wrong?'' He asked, his voice still a bit hoarse. ''There's something you're dreading to tell Rinoa and me specifically, it seems.''
''We were about to talk of sorceress powers and... well, everything that comes with it. It's a good thing Ms. Kramer can help me, I've been quite lost on how to handle all of this, to be honest.'' Rinoa answered for Edea, stepping aside as she walked up to them gracefully.
''Please, Rinoa, call me Edea.'' She said, putting a hand on Rinoa's shoulder briefly in a show of affection. Squall bristled, something unexplainable inside him screaming to get Rinoa away from her and safe.
(Why am I feeling like this!? I can't help it and it makes no sense at all! Rinoa's safe. Edea is not an enemy anymore. What's happening to me?)
''Can I be included in this conversation?'' Squall asked through gritted teeth, trying to quash this strange feeling.
''Of course. You must, actually. And I can sense your rage at me. I'm sorry. It is my fault, I think, but I will try to explain everything as best I can. Come, children, there's still a fire inside and we'll be here a while.'' Edea explained, not waiting for them to follow her. She knew they'd appreciate a quick moment alone.
Rinoa turned to Squall again, searching his eyes. ''Your... rage? I don't understand, what's wrong, Squall?''
''No clue. I... It's hard to explain...'' Squall stuttered, feeling foolish. ''Let's just go. I've a few questions myself.''
He took a few steps, stopped, looked back and waited for her to catch up, and when she did they went inside together.
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A few more chairs had been placed hap-hazardly around the fireplace, no doubt by the rest of the gang earlier today. Squall and Rinoa sat next to each other facing Edea, the fireplace beside them crackling and giving the ruined room a cozy feel nonetheless. Edea took a deep breath, looking at each of them in turn.
''First things first, Squall, I do believe the way you are feeling towards me right now is because of my residual sorceress powers. I understand that you can't help it.'' She began. Rinoa gave Squall a puzzled side glance, but kept quiet. Squall's eyes never left Edea's.
Wary, was the word that came to Rinoa's mind.
''You see, sorceresses are... exceedingly rare. When one sorceress dies, her powers transfer to the nearest adequate successor. As you defeated me when I was possessed, Rinoa was that successor.'' Edea explained.
''Hold on, Ms. Kr- Ms. Edea, but you... you're-''
''Still alive?'' Edea gave a light laugh, ''So it would seem. In all my research on the known history of sorceresses, I've never come across a former sorceress surviving after giving away her powers. I just might be the first, though considering the circumstances, it is hardly surprising I suppose; was it because I was possessed at the time? Who knows... I don't think there ever was a time where so many sorceresses were involved simultaneously. Me, Ultimecia, then you, Rinoa... now Adel...'' She paused, collecting her thoughts.
Squall felt Rinoa's anguish at the mention of Adel. There was no doubt she still felt like unsealing her was her own fault, despite being possessed herself. He gave her a meaningful glance, and she smiled back weakly.
(That Ultimecia... using all those sorceresses as puppets so easily... I can't imagine the power...)
''And this brings us to your condition, Squall. I think you're sensing the wrongness of the situation unconsciously, as those residual powers technically should belong to Rinoa right now. Knights are also naturally wary of other sorceresses, as they're the one true threat to their own. Frankly I have no proof or further explanations, considering the strange predicament we're all in, but this would seem the most likely.''
''Okay, that's fair but... why me, and no one else?''
''Isn't it obvious by now?'' Edea smiled warmly. ''You specifically, Squall, because you are attuned to this magic, because you're Rinoa's knight.'' She paused and let the statement and its implications sink in.
''Wait so the knight thing is real? It isn't just a fairytale story?'' Rinoa asked, astounded.
Squall frowned, ''But how did it happen?'' He asked in turn. ''There was no... spell or ceremony or anything official like that.''
''No, these are fairytale stories.'' Edea explained. ''In actuality, the sorceress/knight bond develops organically, to a point. All that's left to do for the would-be knight, so to speak, is to state his willingness to become one. Then that bond can never be severed, until death. Normally.'' Edea could practically see when realization hit in the couple's widening eyes.
She smiled warmly. ''I can see it has already been done; albeit maybe accidentally, from the look on your faces. I can feel the power of that bond radiating between you two. Frankly, I sensed it as soon as I saw you earlier today.''
There was a pause in the conversation, where Squall and Rinoa seemed to gather their thoughts and try to process their new normal. The logs in the fireplace gave a few loud pops, sending sparks flying upwards the chimney. The wind, having picked up, seemed to whistle through the partially fallen roof at the opposite end of the room.
''...Did you have a knight, Ms. Edea?'' Rinoa asked before she added, stuttering, ''I mean, uh, appart from... Seifer...''
''Seifer was brainwashed into believing he was Ultimecia's knight. He... always had that need in him; to be a hero, to be loved and acclaimed... But no, Cid is- well, was, I guess, my knight. He... did his best, under the circumstances...''
(Great Hyne I would've hated to see his worst.)
''What does being a knight entail?'' Squall asked, wanting to change the subject before saying something he might regret.
''Always the pragmatic one.'' Edea laughed softly. ''Your duty as a knight is to protect Rinoa, obviously. From outside threats, yes, that goes without saying, but principally from herself. From what I've learned, this arrangement goes way back... back to the Great Hyne himself. As you probably already know; sorceresses are always women, and knights are always men. This dynamic represents the two halves of Hyne. One half of himself given as a pure magic source to women, and the other half given as fortitude to men, to watch over them. This achieves balance. Or so tell the stories.''
''I'm not sure I understand what that has do to with Squall protecting me from myself?'' Rinoa asked timidly.
''Indeed. Unfortunately I must now explain the less... romantic parts of this lifelong duty.'' Edea sighed.
''Being a sorceress is... harnessing an incredible amount of power. And very easily. You will get to experience this power for yourself very soon. It is... intoxicating. Dangerous. Chaotic. Sometimes you won't be sure it is you controlling magic or the other way around. It corrupts, if not kept in constant check. And history is filled with sorceresses fallen to such hubris. Some of them lost their knights, in wars or mortal accidents, by their enemies' hands or even their own... Adel comes to mind. She killed her knight so he would not... hinder her.''
Rinoa felt a gut-wrenching anguish overcome her. She'd of course given thought of Squall having to kill her if she was to become possessed again, serious thought even. She had made up her mind and was ready to live with that choice... but had never fathomed she very well could be the one murdering him instead. The mere possibility completely blindsided her. She nervously glanced in Squall's direction, from the corner of her eye. She couldn't read him; his face was a solemn mask of stone, unmoving. Panic crept up from her stomach. It was one thing to fear being possessed again; but now she also had to worry about becoming crazy and drunk on power herself? She felt nauseous.
''And so a knight keeps her sorceress grounded. Provides mental and emotional support so that she does not succumb to the chaos of magic and become consumed by the need to rule or destroy or change reality as she sees fit. It is my theory that Ultimecia surely has no knight, or lost him.'' Edea concluded, her eyes soft, her smile bittersweet as she looked to the teens seated in front of her, with so much on their shoulders.
Squall slowly rested his elbows on his thighs and rubbed his eyes, anxiety like a lead ball in his throat.
(Mental and emotional support... I can't do it. Rinoa, I'm the worst person you could have chosen for that... We're all doomed, I'm sorry. I can't do it.)
''I can't do it. I- I don't want this. I can't.'' Rinoa blurted out, so quietly Squall wasn't sure she'd even spoken at all, as he himself was completely lost in similar thoughts. He straightened up and turned to look at her, and immediately his heart sank. He reached out to her through their now familiar bond and felt her panic, her anxiety and fear, like a mirror to his own emotions.
Rinoa suddenly stood up, visibly shaking. ''I don't want any of this. I don't want to hurt... Squall, or- or anyone. He- he didn't ask for this. There has to be a way to- I'm not strong enough.'' She stammered, her eyes frantic, pleading, at Edea as if she had a way to fix this. The ex-sorceress could only give her an empathetic smile, her gaze telling her how sorry she was.
''I'm sorry. I need a moment. Sorry-'' Rinoa's voice cracked as she quickly exited the room, avoiding everyone's eyes. Squall stood, wanting to go after her, hesitated.
''Yes, you should. Go, child.'' Was exactly the nudge he needed from Edea to get moving again.
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He found her sitting on the last step of the stone stairs leading to the beach. He didn't have to search very hard; her sadness and desperation were like a beacon in his soul, and he knew it would lead him to her, without fail, and even in complete darkness. The sun had mostly set, only a light yellowish line remained on the horizon, and the stars were coming out in what was sure to be a beautiful, clear early spring night. The sea was enveloped by the dusk, with only the rythmic crash of the waves to even signify its presence. It would have been a peaceful evening, were it not for the circumstances. Nevertheless a cold breeze had picked up, a last breath of a dying winter.
As he sat beside her, he could see she was hugging her legs, her forehead resting on her knees and her face hidden by a cascade of raven-black hair. Her shoulders were shaking with long, racking sobs and the sight nearly broke Squall right there.
(What should I do? Hyne I feel like a moron... what can even be said? How many people in the world experience this kind of event?? Everything I'd say would just sound hollow and dumb. Seeing her cry like this... it hurts so much. I can't bear it.)
He was getting increasingly angry at himself. Angry for hesitating, for doubting, for not knowing what to say, for not having a clear set of orders to navigate his trainwreck of a life. In a fit of impulsiveness, he took off his jacket and wrapped her in it, keeping his arms around her and pulling her in to lean on his chest. She finally looked up at him, sniffling, eyes glassy and cheeks wet, and seeing her like this Squall really felt like his heart had shattered. With his hand he gently cradled her head onto his shoulder, unable to meet her eyes while feeling this powerless. He still didn't know what to say, but he hoped his actions spoke louder than his silence.
''Well, what a turn this life has taken.'' Rinoa laughed quietly as she settled more comfortably in his arms, but the laughter was empty of joy and full of cynism. ''I'm- I'm so sorry I got you caught up in all of this... and now you- you're... stuck. With this... crazy magical soul bond or whatever. I never meant- You can still leave, I wouldn't be angry. At all. I'd go back to the Memorial, and not turn crazy and... I'm so sorry.'' Her voice trembled, fresh tears flowing over old ones on her cheeks, caught in the collar of Squall's shirt.
Squall was speechless, and for a second didn't even understand what she was suggesting. The thought of leaving her had never crossed his mind, because it had simply never been a valid choice to him.
(I just got you back. I'm not letting you go again. I'm not going anywhere. Ever.)
For a moment he tried to string words together and express his thoughts, to find the right way to explain to her that her proposal was ridiculous, that he wouldn't even entertain the idea. Yet nothing seemed genuine enough, so he did what he now knew worked; he reached out to her through his mind, concentrated on how he was feeling right now and let his emotions speak for himself.
I don't regret anything.
The link they shared left no place for ambiguity. The thoughts and emotions that passed between them were always at their simplest; honest and raw. Rinoa knew she could believe his statement to be true, yet doubt clouded her mind still, and besides, what if he changed his mind? He seemed so calm about all this that she was almost wondering if he'd understood just how much this was about to change their lives. Pulling back from him and wiping her cheeks to try and regain a bit of composure, she was about to protest when she found herself the recipient of yet another one of Squall's intense stare.
''Not a single thing. We'll figure this out.'' He whispered.
''But you... you didn't know- we didn't know earlier, about the knight vow. You didn't know it would-'' She sighed, trying to calm down and catch her breath. ''You wanted to make me feel better and I understand it was just something you said but now...'' She trailed off.
''You think I didn't mean it?''
''I think you... unknowingly made a life-changing decision without first having all the facts. And it's not fair for you.''
''But now I... You know what, let's do this properly, then.'' Squall suddenly stood up, faced her and assumed the rigid military stance of a SeeD at attention. Or as best he could considering he was ankle-deep in loose beach sand while wearing combat boots. Rinoa would have found it rather comical were she not completely confused by his behavior and, eyeing him suspiciously, also stood up, putting on his jacket properly and zipping it closed.
''Sorceress Rinoa Heartilly, even if the world is against you, I, SeeD Commander Squall Leonhart, will be your knight.'' He declared solemnly, emphasizing the last part clearly. He was rather proud of himself for having said it out loud this time, albeit in such a formal and un-romantic manner. Small steps. He was definitely grateful for the darkness of night, because he could feel himself blushing quite fiercely. He was also careful to shield himself from their bond because if he didn't, he was sure all Rinoa would've felt from him would have been one continuous anxious scream. But despite everything; he meant what he said.
Rinoa's eyes glistened with new tears and with a strangled sob she threw herself at Squall, her arms around his neck, her face buried in his shirt, and she was crying again but it was beautiful and Squall's heart jumped in his throat. He closed his eyes and just breathed her in, his arms around her in what felt like the most natural thing in the world, but he still couldn't believe it, that he could actually have this happen to him.
The fact that he, the commander of SeeD, had vowed to protect her, a sorceress, at all cost until his death while using the formal SeeD stance... was an irony not lost to the both of them.
Rinoa pulled away from him slightly and he felt her hands gently cradling the sides of his face, bringing his forehead to hers. The way she looked at him was too much for Squall, too intimate, and he felt drunk and giddy and downright invincible but it was too much so he closed his eyes again, and immediately her emotions flooded him;
Relief. Gratitude. So much gratitude. Happiness. Love love love.
Once more, he felt himself slip in that state of being where nothing existed outside of their bond, at this very moment... And he would have gladly drowned himself in her feelings, drank them up until every crack in his soul was filled. He couldn't help but give a quiet, contented sigh, heard her inhale and...
...felt the gentle, feather-light touch of her lips on his. Lingering for just a few seconds, questioning, timid, heavy with hope.
Squall flinched in shock and felt as though his brain just shut off entirely. Rinoa pulled away quickly, ready to apologize for going too fast. She knew how Squall was, she knew he would need time, and she was absolutely willing to wait for him and go at his pace. When she gazed at him though, she was astonished to find him not angry or terrified... but rather wide-eyed, unbelieving, mouth agape. She felt his arms trembling slightly around her, from the cold or kiss she couldn't tell.
''I'm so sorry, I-''
Please... please kiss me again.
And without a moment's hesitation, she did. Her hands wound up in his hair, his arms were tight around her waist, their lips locked... and their noses were in the way and their teeth bumped and it was awkward and clumsy and Squall felt like an absolute idiot because he'd never ever done that before. But he wanted more, was starved for more seemingly the moment he'd known how it felt.
Sorry... Show me, please.
It didn't matter at all to Rinoa, because it was Squall and she loved him and he was her knight. They'd take their time. Seeing him like this though, so out of his element yet so willing; self-conscious yet also a little bit overzealous absolutely enthralled her. Besides, she knew he was a fast and dedicated learner, as already he seemed more sure of himself, his movements a bit more deliberate.
When they finally pulled away for air, both lightly panting, Squall's hair a mess, Rinoa couldn't hide her bewilderment.
''Wow,'' She whispered, ''This reminds me of a certain ballroom dance.''
Squall laughed. A full, genuine, sincere laughter, and that sound took Rinoa's breath away. She wanted to hear it again, to have him feeling this way all the time. Looking at him right now, he seemed so... unburdened. Her heart swelled with the knowledge that she had been the cause of this.
''So... you're not so bad at all this 'emotional and moral support' thing you know?'' She remarked, grinning and attempting to rearrange his hair a bit.
''Oh, when Edea mentioned that... I was freaking out, believe me.''
''Figured you would.'' Pleased with her work, she gently put her hand on his cheek. His eyes seemed to shimmer. He was still smiling. Rinoa was desperately trying to sear that image in her mind. She then realized his cheek was quite cold and gasped.
''Oh! Are you cold? I've just realized...''
''I'm freezing.'' Squall chuckled. ''Want to go back inside?''
''Let's go! Ms. Edea must be worried...''
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Edea had just put another log in the fire when she heard their footsteps approaching on the stones of the orphanage floor. With a secretive smile she noticed how sheepish they both looked, their faces flushed. She almost commented on it, but ultimately decided to spare them the embarassment. They sat at the same chairs in front of her, and Edea couldn't help noticing Rinoa's hand in Squall's, and gave them a warm smile.
''Somehow, even though sensibly I should be... I can't seem to be worried for you two. What you have... It's an even rarer thing in these already rare circumstances. Rinoa, I know you'll do great. And Squall...'' Edea paused, taking a long look at him. ''I'm so proud of you.''
Rinoa felt the conflicting feelings emanating from Squall. She didn't know much about his and Edea's relationship, yet sensed it was more complicated than it seemed. She knew Edea had been, for all intents and purposes, his mother, yet she had never heard Squall call her 'matron' like everyone else did. She sensed from him anger and bitterness, yet simultaneously gratefulness and the childlike need to be loved. She didn't prod further; she already had a good guess about Squall's childhood and knew it wasn't her place to ask.
''...Thank you.'' Was his simple, guarded reply, and for Edea it was enough.
''Now, it is getting late, but I have yet a few more things to teach you. Namely, Squall, you will notice that you are stronger and faster than what could be considered normal. You'll find that you do not need to sleep as much to feel rejuvenated. These are perks from Rinoa's magic flowing into you and your bond together.'' Edea paused to gather her thoughts, making sure she wasn't forgetting anything.
(Stronger and faster, huh. I'll have to test that out soon...)
''Speaking of which... the bond you share will make you aware of each other's location at all times. It also allows you to feel each other's moods as well as strong emotions... The closer you are, the easier it is, figuratively and literally. Precise telepathy is also possible... From the look you're both giving me, I can guess you already knew about that part. So soon?'' She asked, incredulous.
''As soon as I woke up from being possessed by Adel... I heard Squall's voice.'' Rinoa explained, a fond smile on her lips.
''This is remarkable. The bond between a sorceress and her knight is truly an amazing thing. It is what I miss the most, to be honest, for all the trouble of being a sorceress... Ah, but I am rambling, and I believe that concludes everything. Well, almost.'' Edea's face took on a somber expression as she stood up. ''Squall, if you don't mind, I'd like to speak with Rinoa privately.''
''I mind.'' Squall replied and immediately felt foolish. If he was honest with himself, the tone of Edea's voice worried him greatly, and so he was worried for Rinoa. What could she possibly have to say to her that her knight couldn't witness? He cleared his throat.
''I'm sorry... It's fine, I'll... I'll wait for you outside, Rinoa.'' He squeezed her hand before letting go, standing up and heading for the entrance. He stopped and looked back a few paces from the door.
''Thank you, Edea. Good night.''
''Good night, my child.''
The last thing he saw as he closed the door behind him was Edea sitting down next to Rinoa, taking one of her hand in both of hers, and Rinoa's eyes, full of apprehension.
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Squall was dozing off, leaning on the outer wall of the orphanage when Rinoa came out. Her hand on his shoulder awoke him with a start.
''Is everything okay?'' He asked at once. Studying her face from the distant lights of the Ragnarok, he could see she looked perplexed.
''Yeah, I'm okay, I think. You ready? I'm exhausted.'' She tried sounding casual, but Squall could sense she was shaken, disoriented. Yet something was telling him not to press the issue, to give Rinoa space to process whatever it was Edea had revealed to her. He couldn't lie to himself though; it gnawed at him to see Rinoa like this and have no idea what was going on. So he simply nodded and they set off in the direction of the Ragnarok.
Long minutes passed while they walked in silence, a heavy silence so unlike the peaceful one from earlier in the day. Squall missed it, wishing he knew how to lighten the mood, afraid to intrude on Rinoa's emotions through their bond. He heard her sigh.
''I'm not fooling you, am I?''
''Not at all. But it's okay. You don't have to pretend. I'll be here whenever you're ready.'' Squall was surprised at the ease with which he'd said that. Everything seemed somehow easier now with Rinoa, and he guessed it was from their newfound bond. It certainly hadn't always been that way.
Rinoa stopped walking. It took a few steps for Squall to notice, and as he was turning around to ask her what was wrong, Rinoa blurted out:
''Sorceresses are infertile.''
(Oh... Oh. Edea... the orphanage...)
The wind picked up, making waves akin to the sea in the long grasses and flowers of the field around them, and Squall was at a complete loss for words.
''Ms. Edea thought I should be the one to decide to tell you or not... Or well, when to tell you...'' She gave a humorless chuckle. ''I guess she didn't want to scare you off or something.''
''Rinoa, I'm so sorry.'' Was all Squall seemed to be able to say. ''Did... did you want...?'' He stammered, unsure if it was the right thing to ask, considering it didn't matter anymore. He felt absolutely out of his element in this conversation.
''I don't know.'' Rinoa replied quietly. ''I... can't say I've ever seriously thought about it until... well until now I guess. I'm barely nineteen, it hasn't... been on my mind, with the liberation of Timber and now this... and... I don't know.'' She trailed off, playing with the zipper on Squall's jacket nervously.
Squall walked up to her, still wildly uncomfortable in this situation, and gently put an hand on her arm.
''Did you?'' She asked back simply. Squall held his breath, exhaled forcefully. Rinoa caught herself, realizing how loaded that question was.
"I mean, uh, in- in general. Not necessarily... You know."
''No. I can't imagine- No. Not at all.'' He answered, a trifle less tense, but still struggling to soften his words yet be honest.
''I figured as much.'' Rinoa smiled but there was only sadness in it. ''It's strange. I'm... weirdly okay with it. Like... I hadn't yet made up my mind about it, and now the choice has been made for me, so I just feel like 'Oh okay, guess that settles it then', you know? But I still feel sad. Does that make sense? I still would've liked to make that choice myself, even if the result would've been the same. I feel like it doesn't make sense.''
(A deep sadness over the loss of something you never had. Over a choice that has been robbed from you. This... This I can relate, Rinoa. More than you know.)
''It makes perfect sense.'' He opened his arms to her, giving her the choice to hug or not, but she immediately fell into him, sighing loudly. He rubbed her back in what he hoped was a comforting gesture. After a while like this, she laughed lightly again, and this time it was more playful.
''What a duo we make. In the same day we kiss for the first time, and then talk about having children. Or rather, not having children.''
Squall chuckled, ''Well, not many people are in our situation. We can't really compare ourselves.''
''Yeah, that's true.'' She pulled away to continue walking, but Squall held her fast, looking into her eyes intently.
''Hey. Are you gonna be okay?''
''I will. I just feel weird for now. It'll pass with time.'' She smiled at him and he studied her eyes for a few seconds, then, reassured by her answer, took her hand in his, resuming their walk back.
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When they entered the crewspace hall in the Ragnarok, they weren't surprised to see that everyone had already gone to sleep. Trying to make as little noise as possible, even though each cabin had its own door, they made their way to the two closest unnocupied ones. Standing in front of one with Rinoa, Squall shifted his weight from one leg to the other nervously, not knowing what to do and feeling extremely self-conscious.
(Should I kiss her? Would that be proper, considering...? Should I just say good night? Does she want me to... No, certainly not. Hyne I hope not. I'm not ready for this. Should I just wait for her to kiss me? Hyne, what do I do?)
He cut the flow of his panicked internal monologue when he noticed that Rinoa was looking up at him expectantly, a smirk playing on her lips. Absolutely reveling in his predicament.
''You're enjoying this.'' He remarked, somewhat offended.
''Naturally.'' She giggled, sticking her tongue out at him playfully.
''Well, if you need anything, I'll just be next door.'' Squall's eyes widened in horror. ''Uh, I mean, what I meant-'' He sighed loudly, rubbing his forehead in defeat and shame and Rinoa had to cover her mouth to suppress her laughter.
''It's fine, you're fine. In fact, you're absolutely endearing right now.''
Squall groaned.
''Hey.''
Removing his hand from his face, she stood on her tiptoes and kissed him chastely, a mischievous glint in her eye.
''Good night, Squall.''
''Wait.''
His lips crashed onto hers, and there was that enthousiasm from him again that made her legs feel weak. She let him take the lead this time, and he was slow, methodical, still hesitant despite the way her hands crawled up his back to hold him close. She could feel the slight aggravation from him through their bond, and couldn't help but smile against his lips.
When he pulled back she had the most radiant smile, and he could only smile in return.
''Damn, that was so good already, how are you like this?'' She teased, a bit light-headed, with half a mind to just grab his collar and pull him into the cabin with her.
''I find it's quite like dancing.'' He replied without skipping a beat.
''Already cocky, huh?'' She pinched his side playfully and he flinched with a quiet yelp. Looking at him though, she could see his eyes twinkling with mirth. They shared one last hug before Rinoa unlocked the door to her cabin.
''Good night, Rinoa.'' He whispered, ''Can I have my coat back?''
''Good night, Squall.'' Rinoa replied, grinning, closing the door behind her.
Farther down the hall, on the opposite side, a cabin door stood slightly ajar. There in the dark of the room, kneeling and peeping out as unobtrusively as possible, a young woman with wide emerald eyes had not missed one second of what had just transpired.
''Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit.'' Selphie mouthed quietly, barely containing her excitement. ''Fuck, absolutely no one is gonna believe me!''