Chapter Text
Heart had spent three years thinking about death. Ever since the disease had taken away his ability to hear, he'd wondered if anyone would have missed him. Even his parents were ashamed of him and made no concrete effort to understand him, going so far as to forbid him to leave the house. So what point was there in living if he couldn't live at all?
When Li Ming had entered his life, he'd been like a lifeguard. It was like the sun had risen again after a long, cold night. Suddenly all thoughts of death had seemed like a distant memory for Heart, who had desperately clung to that glimpse of happiness not to drift away. Li Ming made him think he still deserved to be loved; he cared for him like no one had in a long time, and showed him the beauty of life he had so dearly missed.
So when death came to claim him, Heart wasn't prepared. Li Ming was showing him around on Saleng's motorcycle and they were having the time of their lives, going places Heart hadn't visited before. His chest was exploding with warmth, a certain trepidation making him restless as he held Li Ming's torso just a little bit tighter.
When he saw the lights approaching, it was already too late. The motorcycle suddenly drifted to the left and fell to the ground with them underneath, taking all of his breath away. Perhaps, he thought as his consciousness started to leave him, he wasn't ready to die after all.
The first thing he noticed when his eyes opened was a distinct lack of silence. He stood up so quickly that he almost tore the IV from his arm.
What’s happening? He panicked. Did the impact cure my disease? No, that doesn’t happen in real life. Am I dead?
He looked around: he was in a hospital room, too clean for his liking; a pot of flowers laid untouched on the table next to his bed along with a bunch of letters. That immediately made alarm bells ring in his head because he didn’t think anyone cared enough to wish him a speedy recovery. And most importantly, he could hear. He could definitely make out the hustle and bustle of life outside the window, the muffled voices beyond the entrance, and the door to the bathroom suddenly opening to reveal a tall woman with long hair.
She wasn’t dressed as a nurse, nor did she look familiar, yet as soon as she saw him her eyes widened and she came running towards him.
“Tinn!” she called, taking his face in her hands to inspect him. “I was so worried. How are you feeling?”
Heart was speechless. And not just because he wasn’t used to speaking or hearing anymore, but because he didn’t know how to respond to that. He had no idea why the woman had called him Tinn, for starters. He could only stare at her like a deer caught in headlights and hope that she would think he was just traumatized.
“Tinn? Talk to me. Are you okay?” her eyes were quickly filling with tears and fear.
Heart opened his mouth to answer, but he wasn’t sure that he’d be able to speak after so long.
Who’s Tinn? He signed instead.
If anything, that made the woman worry even more. “What? I don’t understand. I’m calling the nurse.”
She stood back up and hurriedly walked out of the room in search of someone, leaving a confused Heart with his own messy thoughts. Taking advantage of the brief break, he reached out to the letters and grabbed a bunch. They were mostly pieces of paper with a few words of encouragement and short wishes, but all of them were addressed to “Tinn”:
“P’Tinn, if you wake up I promise not to yawn during your speeches anymore.”
“Mr. President, we all miss you at school. Recover soon.”
“Ai Tinn, I can’t babysit Chinzhilla on my own anymore. They’re even more of a handful now that you and Gun aren’t here to keep them in check. Can you believe they asked me to sing instead? Hurry up and wake up, please, I can’t do this alone. -Your best friend”
“Tinn. I know we don’t see eye to eye but I promised Gun I would try to be kinder to you. You’re still annoying but recover soon, okay? -Sound”
“Tinn, if you recover first can you tell Gun to wake up too? I miss my best friend. -Por”
Tinn was loved by so many people, more than Heart could count. Someone surely must have made a mistake and sent the letters to the wrong room, but that didn’t explain the woman recognizing him as Tinn either. The whole situation was making his head spin so fast that he had to lie back down. He breathed in and out slowly until he felt the rising panic attack subdue. He couldn’t afford to lose focus now, he needed to stay lucid to get to the bottom of this.
Just then, the door opened again and the woman came in followed by a nurse. The latter approached him and gently examined him for a few minutes, nodding to herself and scribbling on a piece of paper. After that, she took a few steps back and asked: “Do you know why you’re here?”
Heart thought to answer honestly, but there was a chance that his version of the story wouldn’t match what they wanted to hear. So he simply shook his head.
“You almost drowned while trying to save your friend.”
Heart frowned. He most definitely didn’t drown.
“You’re Tinnaphob Jirawatthanakul, is that correct?”
No, he thought. I’m not.
Or was he? It would explain the fact that he could hear again. But how was that even possible? Did he switch bodies with Tinn somehow? There were too many questions but nobody could answer them, and he needed to tread carefully as well. Perhaps if he faked memory loss he could get away with seeming utterly confused about everything.
Once again, he signed: Who is Tinn?
The nurse raised her eyebrows and turned towards the woman, who was waiting not so patiently for any sort of reassurance.
“Is your son mute? His medical records indicate nothing of the sort.”
The woman - Tinn’s mother - jumped at that. “Mute? No, he can speak perfectly fine.”
“Why is he using sign language then?”
“I was hoping you could tell me that.”
The nurse scrutinized him, humming to herself. “Perhaps he’s still in shock and simply refuses to speak. Mr. Tinnaphob, you can nod or shake your head if you don’t want to talk. Do you recognize the name Guntapon Wongwitthaya?”
That must be the same “Gun” the letters spoke of, Heart thought. He shook his head.
“Do you know who the person next to me is?”
Heart looked at Tinn’s mother, who was watching him with ever-increasing worry. He shook his head again.
He didn’t want to break her heart, but there was nothing else he could do in his current predicament. He didn’t know who Tinn was, how he would act, what he would say. It was safer this way, even if it hurt the people he loved.
Predictably, the woman took his hand and shook her head in denial. “Tinn, it’s your mother. Do you not recognize me?”
“Memory loss shouldn’t be possible in his case,” the nurse pondered, as if unbothered by the woman’s behavior. “We must run a few exams to make sure nothing damaged his brain. I suggest you keep talking to him in the meantime.”
Tinn’s mother nodded and came to sit next to Heart. His instinct was to immediately move out of her reach, which didn’t go unnoticed by her as her eyebrows creased in hurt, but she didn’t try to touch him again.
“Can you tell me if you’re hurt anywhere?” she asked after a bit of hesitation. She clearly didn’t want to push him to speak or scare him away, settling for a safer question.
Now that he was starting to calm down, Heart finally turned his attention to his own body: nothing seemed to be wrong on the surface, and he didn’t feel any of his limbs aching aside from a bit of an itch in his throat, probably due to Tinn almost drowning As that thought crossed his mind, he was surprised at how fast he was adapting to being in someone else’s body.
Heart looked at the woman again, and opened his mouth to speak: “How-” he jumped at the sound of his own voice, so clear and unmistakable, almost as if it came from a distant past. He cleared his throat and tried again. “How long have I been asleep?”
Relief washed over the woman’s features, as she probably wasn’t expecting him to talk so soon.
“Three days,” she said.
Had it been three days since the accident or did Tinn risk his life later? Was Tinn in his body as well or did he die?
Forcing his attention elsewhere, Heart indicated the flowers and letters on his bedside: “Are these from my friends?”
The word tasted almost foreign on his tongue.
“Everyone at school wrote something. I asked Tiwson to bring them here.” She waited for him to show any sign of recognition, but then sighed when she found none. “He’s your best friend and the vice president. Can you not remember anything at all?”
“I’m sorry,” he apologized, more about the fact that he’d taken Tinn away from her than anything else. He needed to figure out what had happened as soon as possible, so he could revert back, but that seemed like an impossible task when he couldn’t even confide in anyone. He wondered if Li Ming had fared better than him, but then recalled the way the motorcycle had crushed him and shuddered at the thought that his friend could very well be dead. Tears started filling his eyes, as his heart ached. “I want to be alone.”
She seemed reluctant to let go, and how could Heart blame her? Her son had almost died. Yet to his surprise she didn’t argue, instead, she nodded and stood up. “I’m going to tell your father you’re awake. Get some rest, alright?”
Heart forced himself to smile a little, but as soon as the door closed behind her he curled up on himself and gripped the sheets tightly. He closed his eyes, picturing a smile as warm as the sun, and pretended he could still smell the fragrance of chicken rice. He fell asleep mourning the loss of a love that could have bloomed.
The next few days went by rather slowly. Heart tried to avoid Tinn’s family members as much as he could, only responding to the essential questions. The doctors ran a bunch of exams to make sure he didn’t suffer from memory loss, and eventually settled on shock being the most probable cause of his confusion. He was discharged and sent home with a not-so-subtle suggestion to visit a psychologist.
Tinn’s mother, who he’d learned was also the principal of his school, was hell-bent on him returning to class as soon as possible, stressing how important it was for him to meet his friends.
“They might jog your memory,” she kept repeating, although Heart wasn’t exactly dying to be with people he knew nothing about.
Tinn’s father seemed rather chill instead, he never pushed him to speak or open up, simply being content with his presence while he typed away on his ever-present laptop. Heart was incredibly grateful to him.
He’d also found out that his appearance hadn’t changed at all, which had come as a surprise: Tinn looked exactly like him, if anything a bit less pale. Heart had no idea what kind of magic had taken place; it almost looked like fate was playing games with him and, frankly, he couldn’t wait to go back to his own body.
Eventually, the fateful day arrived, and Mrs. Photjanee drove him to Niyomsil High School completely unaware of his rising anxiety. Luckily she’d told him not to stress about the morning speech, as Tiwson would take his place for the time being. He would have to thank the guy later.
He didn’t miss the way the students looked at him as he passed through the corridors; sometimes they waved at him, and sometimes they cheered too. Heart had to admit that he was jealous of his host’s popularity, but he also felt bad for stealing that life from him.
Once he reached his classroom, he took a deep breath to brace himself. He still wasn’t used to speaking much - it had taken him a few tries to be comfortable uttering more than three words - and if he was perfectly honest he didn’t want to be. He was afraid that, when he finally managed to go back, he would miss sounds even more. Yet he knew that sign language was also out of the question because it would be out of character for Tinn. Hence he hoped he could fake a bit of memory loss again so his classmates wouldn’t bother him too much.
As he entered the room he immediately noticed the chaos coming from the back: a bunch of students were huddled around a desk, showering someone with questions. Heart decided to ignore it in favor of trying to figure out where his seat was. He looked around, confused, until a tall boy with curly, short hair, came to his aid. He threw an arm around Heart, smiling from ear to ear: “Welcome back, friend! You gave me the scare of my life, you know?”
Heart blinked. "P'Leng?”
“Aow,” the boy’s face fell as he retracted his arm. “Your mother told me you were experiencing memory loss, but I thought it was just an excuse to be alone. It’s Tiw. Who were you even calling just now?”
Heart’s mouth opened to make an O. The similarities between the two were striking, but he should have known it wasn't Saleng since he wasn't even a student. “I see, sorry. Thank you for stepping in for me.”
Tiw frowned, visibly disappointed, but managed to school his expression back in an attempt to not worry him.
“No problem, man. Have you seen your boyfriend yet?” he immediately seemed to realize what he’d just said, and added, “Gun, I mean. The guy over there.”
He pointed to the center of the group Heart had been eyeing before; he craned his neck to see, but the person was too well hidden. Then he paused, his mind suddenly processing Tiw’s previous words, and recalled that Tinn had almost drowned trying to save Gun.
“My boyfriend?” he asked, hesitant.
Tiwson nodded. “He just woke up too. I don’t think he remembers much either, though. And his friends aren’t helping by bombarding him with questions.”
That got Heart’s attention, and he had to push back the spark of hope blooming in his chest. The same miracle couldn’t happen twice, it was impossible. Yet his traitorous mind couldn’t help but go there as he took a step in the direction of the group. A boy in crutches saw him approaching and his face immediately lit up: “Oi, Tinn! You’re back too!”
It got the attention of his friends, who all turned to him and started speaking all over each other, probably greeting him as well. But Heart had eyes only for the person sitting among them, who was looking back at him with just as much shock written on his face.
Gun stood up so quickly his chair fell to the ground, making a sound Heart was sure he would remember for the rest of his life.
There’s no way, he thought, heart thumping rapidly in his chest, too paralyzed to do anything.
Nothing else mattered anymore, the rest of the world disappeared and an eternity passed between them as they stared longingly at each other, when eventually “Gun” hesitantly raised his hands and signed: Are you Heart?
Heart’s knees almost gave out right then and there. He could feel his throat constrict and tears well up in his eyes, relief flooding his chest at a rapid pace. But before he could take a step towards Li Ming - his Li Ming - Tiw suddenly grabbed his arm and brought him back to his desk.
Heart couldn’t help but glare at him and pull away with force, ready to fight him if necessary, yet Tinn’s friend simply shook his head patiently and pointed at the front of the classroom: “You can catch up with him later, the teacher’s here.”
Reluctantly - and a bit ashamed - Heart took his seat. However, he could still feel the intense stare at the back of his head, distracting him from whatever the teacher was saying. He hadn't attended class in so long that he couldn't even keep up with what was being taught, but that didn't even matter when everything he needed was a few seats behind him.
Every once in a while he'd turn slightly around, only to find Li Ming watching him intently, almost like he was trying to figure him out. It dawned on him that Heart hadn't even given him a confirmation yet.
Next to him, Tiw seemed to sense his distress and sometimes patted him on the back to reassure him. Heart felt somehow understood and seen, even if that attention was technically reserved for Tinn. He was grateful nonetheless.
As soon as the bell indicating lunch break rang, Heart let out a sigh of relief and finally slumped in his seat.
"You look like a lost puppy," Tiw commented, almost amused. "I would tell you to go get your boyfriend but he's coming here on his own."
Heart sat up at that, just in time for a firm hand to close around his arm and tug him out of the class, away from prying eyes. He tried to keep up with Li Ming's pace as he led him across the school, up the stairs, and into the attic. Heart immediately noticed the instruments lying around, which made him wonder if they could even stay there in the first place.
"This is the music club," Li Ming explained, perhaps sensing his confusion. "Por brought me here this morning. The band doesn't have practice right now so it's safe to speak."
He watched Heart expectantly, most likely waiting for an answer to his previous question. Heart couldn't help but wonder what the other would have done if his assumption had been wrong, but then again Li Ming didn't strike him as someone who'd be afraid of losing face.
He smiled and signed: I'm here .
"I knew it. It really is you," Li Ming's voice cracked with emotion as he tugged Heart into an embrace. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
"For what?" Heart asked softly.
"I thought you'd died. This is all my fault."
He shook his head vigorously, "The accident was not your fault. That car was driving in the wrong direction, it's a miracle we both made it out."
"I shouldn't be driving without a license anyway, I'm going to be in so much trouble when we get back."
Suddenly Heart felt bad for the people who had ended up in their bodies. Both Tinn and Gun had gotten the short end of the stick by switching with them, if that was actually what had happened. Gun would be having his hands full with financial penalties, and they both knew that Li Ming's family had no money to pay for them. Meanwhile, Tinn most likely didn't even know how to communicate with sign language, and Heart was well aware of how awful it was to suddenly lose your ability to hear.
Unfortunately, until they figured out how to switch back, they would have to adjust.
"It's okay, we'll get through this together," Heart said, feeling a little braver now that Li Ming was with him. He buried his head in the other's shoulder, taking in the scent of his shirt: it didn't smell like chicken rice, but Heart liked it anyway. It reminded him of summer and a field of strawberries.
"What in the world happened to us?" Li Ming mused, his eyes suddenly going wide as he pushed himself back to look at him. "Wait. You can hear me."
Heart huffed a laugh at that, "Have you just noticed that?"
"I was busy trying to figure you out!"
"I'm speaking to you too."
"I know!"
He smiled, but Li Ming's eyebrows were still creased with worry. "Isn't it weird for you? You were just getting used to not being able to hear. Aren't you afraid you'll miss it more?"
Heart didn't know how the other always knew exactly what he was feeling, but that's what had made him fall in love in the first place. His stomach fluttered every time Li Ming showed him how much he cared.
"I can't do anything about it," he said with a shrug. "Tinn isn't deaf, so I can't just tune everybody out. If anything I can make the most of this and memorize every sound I hear, so I can cherish it later. I'm going to be okay, I promise."
He found Li Ming looking at him in wonder, a million stars sparkling in his eyes. And that was all Heart needed, to know that whatever was going to happen from that moment forward they were going to be alright, because they were together again.
"I didn't think I would ever hear your voice." Li Ming admitted.
"Me neither."
A moment passed between them, his heart beating fast in anticipation of something, anything, but he was too shy to make the first move. Then Li Ming cleared his throat and broke the hug, redirecting his gaze anywhere but at Heart.
"Are you hungry?" He asked, clearly flustered. "We should be talking about this over food, yes? Let's go."
Shaking his head with fondness, Heart let himself get dragged through the school once again. They would have plenty of time for this, he wasn't in a hurry, but Li Ming was right: he was rather hungry.