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Sirius Black was beautiful.
Remus could pinpoint the exact moment that he noticed that. It was in their third year, and the Marauders were in the library. James was patiently trying to explain a Transfiguration concept to a very confused Peter. Sirius lost interest in the conversation after several minutes and leaned back in his chair, huffing. He crossed his arms behind his head and put his feet up on the table.
There were only a couple of windows in the library, and Sirius just so happened to lean back into a patch of sunlight from one of them. It perfectly illuminated his dark hair, bright eyes, and the gentle curve of his jaw. Remus couldn’t help staring. It was like seeing a painting come to life, except no painting had ever been this lovely.
Of course, the impact of it all was ruined about thirty seconds later when Madame Pinch spotted the way Sirius was sitting and came over in a rage. She summarily kicked all four of them out of the library, which was just as well because even James, who was by far the most patient of their group, was ready to give up on Peter for the time being.
But that moment stuck with Remus for a long time. It was the first time that he thought he could understand what people meant when they said that Sirius was beautiful. Because he was. So far as aesthetically pleasing humans went, Sirius was definitely at the top of the list. The Black family may have failed him in every other way, but in this one respect the genes had come through.
The problem was that Remus didn’t really get how that translated into sexy.
“Do you think Sirius is sexy?” he asked Lily one morning. It was an early February morning in their sixth year, and Remus was increasingly bothered by all of the Valentine’s crap that was everywhere he turned. He knew for a fact that Sirius had already turned down several request for dates. That bothered him, though he couldn’t put his finger on why.
Lily blinked, looking up from her Potions book. “What? Black? Uh. He’s alright, I guess. Not my type.”
“Ah, yes. Your type runs more towards messy haired Quidditch players,” Remus said innocently, and Lily went bright red and kicked him in the ankle.
“Shut up!” she hissed, looking around to see if James was anywhere nearby. Remus already knew he wasn’t; James and the rest of the Quidditch team had had a late practice last night, and so both James and Sirius were still up in their dorm dead to the world. Nevertheless, Lily drew her wand and cast a charm that would prevent anyone from overhearing their conversation.
Which admittedly, Remus should’ve done right from the moment he decided to ask Lily if Sirius was sexy, but it was also hilarious to see how flustered Lily got when someone brought up James.
“Sorry, sorry,” Remus said, laughing and reaching down to rub his ankle. Lily’s scowl slowly softened into a more thoughtful frown.
“Why are you asking about Black?” she asked.
Remus shrugged. “Just curious. I don’t really get it.” He looked at Lily for a long moment. James was always talking about how beautiful and sexy she was. Remus understood the beauty part. Lily had long red hair and lovely green eyes. She wasn’t as beautiful as Sirius, but she was definitely pretty.
But sexy?
“Get what?” Lily said, closing her Potions book. She seemed to sense that this was a conversation that would require her full attention. Remus tried not to be intimidated but failed. Having Lily’s full attention was a little terrifying. He suddenly had more respect for James.
“Sex,” Remus said, somewhat reluctantly. “Dating… all of it. I mean…” He waved his hands a bit helplessly. “I don’t… Sirius is beautiful, right? I’m not blind. I get it. You’re beautiful too. But it’s like… how is that different from thinking a painting is beautiful? You know? It’s not… a personal beauty. If that makes sense.” He exhaled loudly, frustrated at his inability to full express how he felt.
Lily looked at him thoughtfully. “Do you feel the same way about Black as you do about me?” she asked.
“Um… kind of, but also not really,” Remus said after a slight pause.
“Does spending time with Black feel differently than spending time with me?” Lily asked.
“Yes, definitely,” Remus said, nodding. But he didn’t know if that was a part of the answer or not. Sirius, Peter, and Remus had all pretty much sworn off Lily in their 2nd year after seeing how serious James was about her.
Lily pursed her lips. “What about Black and Potter?”
“Oh. Huh. Yeah, I guess it’s still different,” Remus said slowly. That was a little more unexpected. As much as Remus enjoyed spending time with James, there was just something different about Sirius. Remus couldn’t imagine a life without Sirius Black in it.
“If it wasn’t for the fact that you said Black isn’t sexy, I’d think you were in love with him,” Lily said. “Are you?”
Remus was quiet for a moment, thinking that over. He realized that he didn’t really know what Lily meant by “in love”. He liked spending time with Sirius more than anyone else. When Sirius was around, life was more exciting – but it was also calmer, because Sirius’s presence soothed the wolf inside of Remus like nothing else. But did that mean he was in love?
Lily seemed to recognize that he was struggling a bit. She said, “Do you want to date Black? Like go walk around the lake holding hands and duck into empty classrooms to snog and stuff like that? Would you want to put your hand down his trousers?” She grinned, her cheeks flushing, and Remus blushed too.
“Umm… yes to the first one. And I guess kissing wouldn’t be too bad. I’m not sure about – about the rest,” Remus said, feeling awkward indeed. He looked around self-consciously, but of course no one else in the common room was paying attention since no one else could hear them. Lily was fantastic at Charms.
“Right. Well, what about a girl? Not me. Someone else. What about Claire Davies?” Lily said, naming a Ravenclaw in their year who was well known for how beautiful she was. Peter in particular had a fierce crush on her.
Remus considered her, then shrugged. “Same thing, I guess? She’s pretty, and I get that, but it sure doesn’t make me want to do the kinds of things with her that the other boys do.”
Lily’s eyes narrowed a bit. “Other boys? Has Potter ever said anything about her?”
“No,” Remus said, which was the truth – although he would’ve fibbed to save James if he’d needed to.
Lily looked like she didn’t know whether to believe that or not. Her mouth twisted up and she crinkled her nose, muttering darkly about Ravenclaws under her breath. Remus watched her for a few seconds, smiling to himself. He didn’t know why Lily still insisted on pretending like she didn’t like James, but she was becoming more transparent by the day about it.
He thought maybe their conversation was finished, although it sure hadn’t helped him in any way, but then Lily sighed and swept her long red hair over her shoulder. She kicked her feet up onto her chair, wrapping her arms around her legs and resting her chin on her knees.
“It sounds to me like you like Black,” she said. “Maybe you don’t like him the traditional way though.”
“But that’s weird, right?” Remus said.
“I didn’t say that. Maybe it’s not normal, but that doesn’t mean it’s weird.” Lily’s voice crept up a bit, sounding defensive, and Remus blinked at her.
“Lily?”
“Sorry. I just – my sister says everything to do with magic is weird. She called me a freak the last time I was home,” Lily said quietly. “You’re not weird, Remus. You’re just different.” She looked at him with teary green eyes, and Remus’s heart broke for her.
“You’re not weird either. Or a freak. You’re the amazing Lily Evans, and I’m honoured to be your friend,” Remus told her honestly.
Lily smiled a little and wiped her eyes. “Thanks. I meant what I said, though. Being different isn’t bad. Whatever you feel, or don’t feel, towards Black, he’s a lucky guy.”
“I’m not so sure about that,” Remus said slowly. Sirius had a bit of a reputation around school, and Remus knew for a fact that Sirius had earned that reputation the fun way. Sometimes Remus wondered if Sirius had only slept with that many people because it would’ve made his mother have a heart attack if she’d known.
“You should talk to him,” Lily said, and Remus shook his head immediately.
“Talk to him? And say what? That I don’t find him sexy, and that I don’t think I’m in love with him, and I’m not sure if I ever want to have sex with him, but that I like spending time with him and don’t really want him to spend time with anyone else?” Remus said incredulously.
Then he paused. He hadn’t known that last part was going to come out until it was already out, but he quickly realized it was the truth. Finally, he was able to pinpoint the weird feelings around how many people had asked Sirius out for Valentine’s Day. It was jealousy. He was jealous. Remus really wanted to slam his own head into the side of the fireplace right now.
“I would be honoured if you told me that,” Lily said stubbornly.
Remus sighed at her. “Not everyone is like you, Lily.”
“Maybe not, but… Ugh, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I don’t think you’re giving Black enough credit. You don’t see how he looks at you, Remus. He really cares about you. More than I ever thought Black could care about anyone that wasn’t himself,” she said softly.
Remus wasn’t sure how to respond that. He tried to remember Sirius looking at him in an unusual way, but nothing specific came to mind. So far as Remus could tell, Sirius looked at him the way Sirius had always looked at him.
“And besides, what’s the alternative? You don’t tell him anything, and then Sirius finds someone else? No way. That’s not gonna happen. Not while I’m here,” Lily said determinedly, her cheeks flushing. She swung her legs off of the sofa and stood up suddenly.
“Ah… Lily?” Remus said, confused.
Lily didn’t answer. She just reached down and grabbed his wrist, pulling Remus to his feet and along with her. Remus was strong enough to have stopped her if he’d really wanted to, but he was too befuddled to do anything but follow as Lily marched up the stairs to the room he shared with Peter, James, and Sirius. Lily threw the door open without even bothering to knock.
“Potter, you better be decent!” she said loudly.
There was a choking sound from the direction of James’s bed. “Wha – L-Lily?” James poked his head out a moment later, blinking owlishly. It was evident he didn’t know if he was dreaming or not.
“What the hell?” Sirius said a moment later, pulling his curtains open. He was wearing pyjama bottoms and nothing else. Lily sighed at the state of him, rolling her eyes.
“Black, put a shirt on. Remus has something he wants to tell you,” Lily said bossily. “Potter, get up. I have decided you may escort me to Hogsmeade today.”
James blinked several times. “Wh-what?”
Lily stared him down. “You’ve got five minutes before my offer is rescinded.” She whirled on her heel and disappeared back down the stairs, leaving Remus to flush as Sirius and James both stared at him in astonishment.
But only for a few seconds. Then James, evidently having realized he was not dreaming after all, exploded into action. He leapt out of bed and began rushing around the room, seizing his trousers and a shirt and his wand. He at least managed to correctly cast the charms to freshen his breath and clothing as he stumbled past Remus, clutching his wand in one hand and his shoes in the other.
“What the hell was that?” Sirius said again, furrowing his eyebrows. “Did Evans really just ask Prongs out?”
“Umm… I guess,” Remus said. “Sorry she woke you up. I’ll go and let you sleep.”
“Whoa, hey! Evans said you had something to tell me. What was it?” Sirius scratched his bare chest, looking at Remus curiously. With his hair all soft and mussed, not gelled like it usually was, he looked cute. Remus couldn’t help smiling.
“It’s nothing, Pads. Lily got the wrong idea, that’s all.”
Sirius frowned. “Evans is a pain, but she’s never wrong,” he said, levering a suspicious look at Remus.
Remus swallowed hard, his stomach flipping over. “I – ”
All the words he’d said to Lily tangled up in his throat, freezing him in place. He looked into Sirius’s kind silvery eyes and found that he just couldn’t do it. It was asking too much, even to someone like Sirius.
But Sirius didn’t seem to get the hint. He reached out a hand. “C’mere, Moony.”
Even though he knew he shouldn’t, Remus found himself moving closer. He had never been able to deny Sirius anything, after all. Not even when Sirius had foolishly tried to kill Snape. He slipped his hand into Sirius’s and let Sirius pull him down onto the bed. But once seated, Remus still found himself speechless. They looked at each other for a moment.
Then Sirius smiled, a lovely quick smile, and said, “It’s you and me, eh?”
“Padfoot,” Remus said, somewhat helplessly. “I’m not – I don’t –”
“Shh, it’s fine,” Sirius said, flopping back against his pillow without releasing Remus’s hand.
“But – but dating, and – and s-sex,” Remus stuttered on the word, face hot.
“Sex is fun,” Sirius said, perfectly serious for once. “But they’re not you. No one is my Moony.” He laced their fingers together and squeezed gently. “Whatever you wanna give me, that’s more enough.”
Remus sighed, and his shoulders slumped slightly, and he said, “You should have everything, Pads. Not just what I can give.”
“Isn’t that my choice?” Sirius demanded, pouting up at him.
“I mean… yeah, but…” Remus shook his head. “I just don’t think you understand what little I can give.”
“You give me everything,” Sirius said, very quietly. “Prongs is like my brother, but you… I couldn’t live without you, Remus. Isn’t that enough?”
Remus swallowed again, his mouth dry. “I’ve never seen you so serious.”
“Well, that is my name,” Sirius said with another quick smile. “C’mere, come on. I’m still tired.” He tugged at Remus’s hand until Remus sighed and got up, but only long enough to shuck his robe off. Then he crawled into the bed with Sirius.
It wasn’t the first time they’d done this. Sirius often crawled into Remus’s bed, or vice versa, after a bad nightmare. But this time felt different. For once, Remus wasn’t wound up with all the things he didn’t know how to say. Because somehow Sirius already knew – or had guessed, more likely, because probably Remus wasn’t nearly as subtle as he liked to think he was.
“You’ll regret this someday,” Remus whispered, wrapping his arms around Sirius, and Sirius scoffed lazily.
“Nah, s’you and me, Moony. I’ll never regret that,” Sirius murmured, lazy but confident, and buried his face in Remus’s shoulder to go back to sleep.