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A writer’s mind is but a wonder to everyone around him, or at least that’s how Junmyeon’s experience was. Most days, it felt like no one really understood him, as if his mind was far detached from the world and he was always in his made-up one. But what is a story but an imaginary event, a scene from real life retold differently, or simply just something from the author’s mind?
For Junmyeon, writing is a place he could escape to when his entire world was falling apart. When he writes, he forgets about everything happening in his reality. It was his way of coping with anything that was bothering him.
However, a part of Junmyeon hopes that someone can understand him, his confusing emotions, his mixed-up feelings, just the parts of him that make him who he is. He wants to be understood for his mind, outside of the things he writes but at the same time, for that someone who will read between the lines.
If anything, Junmyeon is a walking contradiction, he would say he is fine even when he is hurting, and he remains calm even when his world is falling apart, and yet he wants someone who would see through his façade, who would tell him that it is okay to be himself.
And as he writes yet another entry in his notebook that is already filled with stories, he feels this sadness in his heart, a kind of longing for something that he thinks he will never find. He closes the notebook and writes it off as another story where things end tragically. The main character throws himself off the cliff after being fooled by the person he loves.
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Junmyeon was staring at the ceiling; he was exhausted from what they had just done. These days feel like a dream, something that would end as soon as he wakes up. There are days when he opens his eyes in the mornings, and when he finds the spot next to him empty, he panics and starts crying, afraid that everything that has been happening is nothing but a figment of his imagination. But then his lover would immediately come into the room and tell him to pull him into a warm embrace, and suddenly everything in his world is fine again.
“Junmyeon?” Sehun says, lying down next to Junmyeon, catching his breath.
“Hmmm?” Junmyeon replies nonchalantly.
“Are you okay?” Sehun asks, staring at Junmyeon, who seems to be spacing out.
[Junmyeon knows how to read between the lines, is too used to doing so, and knows that when Sehun asks him if he is okay, it actually means, “You can talk to me,” and he loves him for that.]
“Yes,” Junmyeon replies, lying ever so casually.
[It was a reflex answer from Junmyeon; he was so used to telling the world he was fine that he blurted out lies like this as if it was nothing. And while Junmyeon trusts Sehun with all of his heart, there is a part of him that worries that Sehun would not realize he was not telling the truth.]
“Is something bothering you?” Sehun probes gently.
[But then Sehun would ask again, showing just how much he knows Junmyeon, making him realize just how much he really cares.]
“Nothing. I’m good.” Junmyeon says, fully knowing that Sehun has caught him.
[He knows that Sehun has caught him lying again but would not directly say it. Junmyeon lies once more as if still testing if Sehun would finally give up if he does so. At the same time, he also lies because it is the only way he knows to protect himself; it is what he has always done.]
“Do you want to talk about it?” Sehun would inquire again.
[And Sehun would ask once more and prove to Junmyeon that he sees through the lies that Junmyeon says and would go through them if he had to. Junmyeon realizes how lucky he is to find someone who actually reads in between the things that he says.]
“It’s just that…lately, I had been thinking…” Junmyeon starts opening up.
[And so Junmyeon allows himself to be vulnerable, letting out what is in his mind, unfiltered]
“Hmmmm” Sehun would answer, listening intently.
“I am tired of writing…” Junmyeon stops staring at the ceiling and moves to his side to face his lover.
Sehun does not say a word but just continues to stare at Junmyeon, making the latter feel that someone is really listening to him.
“…I don’t want to write sad stories anymore.” Junmyeon continues.
“What’s stopping you?” Sehun asks.
“I’m afraid,” Junmyeon confesses.
“Of what?”
“That people would stop liking what I write the moment I stop writing sad things.”
Sehun is quiet for a bit. It was the first time they talked about something serious after they had sex. It makes Sehun feel happy, knowing that it took a lot from Junmyeon to even open up about something like that.
“Junmyeon, can I ask you something?” Sehun says as his right-hand caresses Junmyeon’s left cheek.
“What is it?” Junmyeon asks, his voice trembling a little.
“Why do you write?”
“Because it is my escape from the bad things that are happening to me? Or at least that was how it started.”
“Who do you write for?”
“That’s a tough question.”
“Don’t think about it too much. Let me put it this way. Those sad things that you have written before, who did you write them for?”
“To be honest, I wrote them for myself. And later on, thought that maybe people could relate to them.”
“That’s right, you wrote them for yourself. Can I tell you something?”
Junmyeon nods.
“You wrote all those things that became best sellers for yourself. And because of that, people found them relatable. Now, you are afraid because you don’t want to write about sad things anymore; you fear that people will no longer like them. But you don’t write for them. You write for yourself. You have always been writing what is in your heart, and if your heart is telling you that you don’t want to tell sad stories, then don’t. If you want to write about happy ones, do that. Write that for yourself and believe me, there will still be people who will find them relatable if that is what you aim for.”
Sehun kisses Junmyeon’s forehead, and the latter closes his eyes.
[Sehun was right. There was no need for Junmyeon to focus on other people when, all along, he had been doing these things for himself. Writing was an escape, but at the same time, writing can also be a way to figure out reality. How wonderful is it to find someone who finally understood him?]
Junmyeon smiles and stares at his beautiful lover, bringing his hand near Sehun’s face and tracing his jawline using his index finger.
Sehun laughs a little, feeling a little ticklish.
“What are you doing?” Sehun says in between small chuckles.
“I’m just amazed by your mind.”
“Mine? If anyone has an amazing mind between the two of us, it’s definitely you.”
“No, you. I have no idea where you come up with the things you say, but I find them very comforting. Sehun, you are my solace in this noisy world.” Junmyeon would say before snuggling into Sehun’s chest.
Both of them are naked, hugging and cuddling together in bed.
“Oh, please. You’re going to make me cry. You have such a beautiful mind, and your words prove that.”
“Thank you for coming into my life, Sehun.”
“You need to stop now.” Sehun says, sniffling.
“You are such a crybaby!” Junmyeon replies, chuckling as he hugs his lover tightly.
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In a world where everyone feels misunderstood, it is a miracle to find someone who loves you enough to not just accept you for who you are but also to figure out ways to understand you. Being a writer often meant people trying to dissect what you have written and misinterpreting it in a million ways.
Often, authors would stop writing because they feel like no one would ever know what they want to impart with what they write. They would stop because they feel frustrated and start feeling like writing is a burden.
If you are lucky, you will find someone who will show you that your mind is a beautiful place, despite many others saying that it must be scary. And when that day comes, you never let that person go.
Junmyeon closes off his laptop with a smile on his face. He had just finished writing yet another story, but one so different from all the others he had written before. No one died in this one; there were no broken hearts, and there was pain, but there was a lot of hope. For the first time since he started writing, there was joy in his writing; there was love.
Sehun was right; he needed to write this for himself. And now, it is up to the rest of the world to determine if they can relate to it.
Because if anything, it was exactly how Junmyeon felt all the time he was with Sehun; the pure bliss that one can only feel with their true love.
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