Archive of Our Own

Rei’s relationship with Koga has changed. Whether in a good or bad way, the vampire doesn’t know for sure. Everything started simply at Koga’s confession on a winter day. And no, it was a formal one, a dead serious, deliberate one. Not some words of respect, not blurted out unconsciously and not on the shining stage of the Repayment Festival where everyone can look at them, the declaration of love was said in front of a fountain, when only the two of them were present.

“I love you, Sakuma-senpai. Could you date me?”

And how did Rei respond?

Out of reluctance, he looked at the junior’s determined eyes, and suddenly found his voice saying. 

“Ok.”

With that, they have become lovers. Though, Rei himself doubts that their bond has been tightened in the way it is called. He doesn’t even know if he really loves Koga, and this whole dating thing is just strange to him. But despite all that uneasiness, he still does what lovers do with Koga… all to give it some thought now and discover many foreign aspects of himself.

__________________________

1. First thing first, his eyes keep being drawn towards Koga, even when they do not meet.

Rei is not good with technology, always so. No matter how omniscient he may seem, that field has always been a weakness of his. Not like it matters, though, because Rei doesn’t care at all . He can call someone, sometimes sending a message, and those alone are the only contact he’d like to have with technology for life. In other words, anything off that field, including social media, is nothing of his interest.

That is, until recently.

Although he is still disinterested in others’ virtual life, Rei finds himself constantly checking his notifications for posts from a certain account. 

@leonftguitar

Needless to say, it’s Koga’s.

Before they became lovers, Rei, even when conscious that Rhythm Link had created a social media account for him, never laid a finger on it and simply let the manager keep it active. However, now that he has grown more conscious of Koga’s online activities (mainly because he always catches the boy taking photos of his dog on their dates), Rei logs in his account more, sometimes even leaving comments here and there under Koga’s posts. Certainly the fans don’t notice this change, as his manager also does so from time to time. But of course, the manager herself is bewildered.

“Sakuma-san, have you finally taken an interest in social media? Thank God, this time, please run your account yourself. I don’t have much time for it anymore, okay?”

Rei distinctly remembers her nagging at him, as his fingers continue to stroll down the newsfeed. 

Koga has just gone on a walk with Leon Koga has learnt a new piece Koga has replied to his fans Koga Koga Koga .

Even if the boy isn’t here right now with him, Rei can still see him - him having fun with his friends, him enjoying music, him taking care of his precious pet. The sight makes him have this sudden urge to rush out of his worksite and come by Koga’s side as soon as possible, no matter how unfeasible it is. It doesn’t help, with all the fans’ appreciative comments expressing all of Rei’s thoughts, the vampire can only look at all the compliments on Koga with envy. Why wasn’t he the first one conveying those words to Koga?

The vampire is a vengeful creature. That’s why when Koga posts a new pic of him with Leon after that, he finds his leader’s comment sent just seconds later.

“Say hi to Leon for me~ Or should I just come over to your place now?”

This time, it’s the fans’ turn to look at Rei with wide eyes.

______________________________

2. Another change comes quite unannounced. As out of the blue, Rei can’t seem to find comfort in sleeping in closed space anymore.

Many fans have told Rei that this sleeping habit of his is just like a cat’s. And even though he prefers it to be interpreted as a vampiric feature, Rei is more than happy to let his fans fantasize whatever they want of him. Sleeping in closed space , by which he means sleeping in a coffin, has always been a quirk of his family line in general. While his brother Ritsu tries desperately to go against this custom, Rei uses it to his favor, deliberately promoting it to establish his image. So it’s fine, really, to let something supposed to be a fan service have its meaning twisted by fans.

However, that’s just short of the story of his early days. Now that he is so popular as a vampire/idol, things won’t change much even if he no longer lies in a coffin, which makes him glad, really.

Because somehow, Rei finds himself gradually getting used to sleeping in a bed, like a normal person .

You might assume that he is overdramatizing everything, but no, he is serious. In the first place, he doesn’t even know why this sleeping habit changes. It’s just that one day when he got into his bed in Starmony Dorm, the bedsheets under him no longer felt too soft , the air around him no longer felt too open , and the blanket on his body no longer felt too warm . The mood then felt just right, though with a little retrospect… Now that Rei thinks about it, it seems to lack something…

It’s not until that very moment does Rei’s brain connect the pieces and remember exactly which day he started to feel so.

One day after he shared the one-bed hotel room with Koga after their unit work…

Ah~ Rei whines longingly in his head. He can recount every moment of that night again and again.

They cuddled all night. Koga’s heat, which was right next to him, wrapped him up in a bubbly feeling of intimacy and warmed him in a way that his naturally low body temperature had never before. The skin under his fingertips was soft, exposed and kissable. His lover’s sleeping face is cute , no longer laced with anger and smugness, but rather serenity and delicacy. At that very moment, Rei, for once in his entire life, felt delighted that he had this ability to be awake all night. If it meant he could have Koga for himself to admire, even if it was restricted to nighttime only, then the sufferings that follow his unusual sleeping patterns, maybe, were worth the price.

He understands now.

Rei concludes in the middle of his daydreaming.

“I just want to share a bed with him, for many many more times.”

_____________________________

3. Odd enough, it’s only now does Rei realize how much he has always been taken care of.

That being said, it’s not like he has always considered himself as that much of an independent person. Ever since their school days, Koga has long entitled himself as Rei’s personal caretaker - ensuring that Rei wouldn’t overwork himself during the day, collapse somewhere because of the summer heat or simply get soaked up in a downpour. Hell, he even started to plant tomatoes because Rei complained about the quality of the tomato juice in the school vending machine. Obviously, Rei was not oblivious to all that caretaking, but despite the twins’ constant remarks on how he was being spoiled rotten by Koga, he had to admit that there was some part of him who never believed that he was that much of a special someone for Koga. The wolf himself was always a dishonest person, didn’t those he was close with receive the same treatment?

Turns out, how wrong he was…

Now that Rei has graduated, it’s impossible for them to stick together like before. But hey, they’re lovers now, and Koga always has a way to remind Rei of that fact. A towel neatly folded in a corner after a practice session, a steamy bowl of soup after a drinking party, a glass of tomato juice after a long day of work. They haven’t officially lived together yet, but every time Rei pays a visit to Koga’s, or being with Koga at all, he feels like he has returned home. And guess what? Koga’s rising affection for him doesn’t help that illusion of him one bit. Constant worried gaze towards him and sometimes a reassuring hug. When exactly has Koga become this… small fluffy puppy?!

Or has he always been like this?

Rei shudders and realization hits him like a truck. Under all those snarls and growls, has Koga ever denied him his demand? Koga doesn’t like being bossed around, but he went to get tomato juice whenever asked anyway - for Rei. Koga doesn’t like sensual love songs, but he sang them anyway - for Rei. Koga likes to go on that school trip with his friends, but he refuses to do so anyway, for Rei…

How utterly stupid, ignorant he was, so much to the point that only a facade of unwillingness was enough to blind him from the obvious love that this boy radiated off towards him, and him only.

At least, Koga wouldn’t touch anyone so casually, right? After all, Rei, now looking back, has only seen one person receiving Koga’s special treatment - none other than himself.

____________________________

4. Slowly but steadily, Rei is craving more and more for human affection.

Rei knows, it sounds ridiculous. A vampire , a creature of the dark , wants to feel close with someone else? His entire clan would laugh at that, for sure. To them, vampires are superior to humans, and the closeness that humans hold oh-so-dear is no less than a running joke. Those egoistic lunatics, always thinking of ways to dispose of one another, keep the interactions they share within their kin at a minimum level, and therefore would never be able to grasp the meaning behind hugs and kisses. Growing up in such an environment, Rei himself naturally has no chance for those either, to which he feels deeply regret.

But it’s fine now, with Koga beside him.

The wolf is not the touchy-feely type, that’s for sure. Koga always wants to keep people at arm’s length, just as how he describes himself - a lone wolf. That was why even after two weeks of dating, they still didn’t have any intimate moments, which couldn’t be considered normal for any other couples out there. The turning point only came when Rei caught sight of Koga cuddling with Leon and had a sudden pang of self-pity. He can’t even be compared to Leon? That sheer thought egged Rei on closing the distance between them and hugging Koga from behind.

And guess what? Koga’s face blushed in a beautiful shade of red, upon which Rei could only stare in disbelief. Something awakened from the bottom of his heart, and before he knew it, the hug intended to be a joke was tightened.

Rei didn’t want to let go of that warmth anymore.

Since then, they have quickly grown on cuddling. Rei always makes sure that he will sneak in a kiss between their unit practices, and never fails to lean on Koga closer than necessary when they’re in dressing rooms ready to perform. The wolf tries to protest at first, but Rei’s insistence does wonders. He soon realizes, however, that as long as his whining sounds pitiful enough and his puppy eyes shine brightly enough, Koga will let his guard down in mere seconds.

“This is dangerous, to be honest.” Rei thinks in his head as his hands ruffle Koga’s hair, in the pitch black night after his lover has already fallen asleep, Rei watching him vigilantly.

“If things continue like this, if you keep satisfying my every whim, one day I will not be able to keep it in and kiss you on the stage.”

The vampire winces, before leaning down to land a soft kiss on his lover’s forehead.

“What a disastrous scene, yet it's so odd that I feel so keen to make that happen.”  

____________________________

5. Rei actually feels frightened at this - loneliness is no longer sufferable to him.

Only God knows how he could have gone through all his life as a “superior being” if he hadn’t got used to the feelings of being treated like an outcast. He was always alone. That word would fit in any period of his life. A childhood in a cemetery, giving advice to people like a messenger from above, an adolescence spent in a stupid war, being blamed for others’ incapability and his own formidable talents, an adulthood with outstanding success, sailing through work after work without a hitch. Even after so many years, so many encounters and so many events, that loneliness never seems to fade.

The vampire knows he shouldn’t feel like this. He has so many people around him now - his dear friends at ES . UNDEAD, his brother, the Five Eccentrics, his childhood friend, Anzu… How can Rei be so blind as to be unable to recognize their love for him? No, Rei sees it all - how much he is loved. It’s just that he has got so used to the forlorn feeling that it refuses to let go of him. 

At least, that’s how he feels until one day, Koga finds him in the pitch black night. 

It is just a night like every other night. Rei is all alone, by himself, doing something. Well, not exactly something , as Rei is just sitting in a chair and staring into the void. He just feels bored , not even motivated enough to get up and find some ways to kill time like usual. It is that feeling of being hollow inside, and although it sucks, Rei will find it coming back from time to time, haunting his soul like a ghost that never let go. Silent, lifeless, dark - his very existence right now seems to be engulfed by those.

Rei hates this, hates his life at that very moment. No matter how many times he tries to reassure himself that there is no need to be so moody, that things as they are now are much better than in the past, he can never live it down - this fear. The fear of being abandoned, the fear of being discovered: His ‘true self’, is actually this pathetic . Everyone seems to love him, to admire him, but they never see him. What if they one day realize that he is actually not all high-and-mighty as they assume? What if one day he fails to live up to the expectations in their eyes? What if one day… he gives away just a bit of his weakness and can’t protect what he loves?

Ah yes, unable to protect , when was the last time he felt so helpless? When was the last time he died ?

Who saved him?

Rei’s mind takes a few moments to remember, to search for a dazzling smile and shining citrine eyes in his memory. Out of instinct, he reaches out for his phone, types away a message to his savior in the past, and before he knows it, he already presses “Send”.

… It takes Rei a few minutes to realize what he has done. What a mistake , he mutters in his head. Being as low-tech as he always is, Rei doesn’t know how to withdraw that message, but it is fine, he can always ask someone tomorrow. At least for now, there is no way that person can be even awake to see his message.

It is fine… really… Isn’t this eternal hell his lair?

However, to break through all that nonchalance of his, is the sound of the doorbell half an hour after. 

Ding ding

The sound first rings slowly, but after a moment of no response, it becomes impatient.

Dingdongdingdongding

Rei, though so stunned to the point that his limbs feel numb, has to rush out to open the door this time at the increasing urgency of the call. Isn’t it snowing outside? Doesn’t Koga feel cold?

Turns out, he does. Just the mere sight of Koga’s trembling shoulder and puffed breath is enough to tell. As soon as the door is opened, it is closed again by a panicked vampire. Rei sweeps Koga in his apartment in a millisecond, and cannot help the guilt rushing in his stomach when he feels the chill of the boy’s body brought about by the contact.

“Vampire- bastard, w-what took you- so long?” 

Rei expects boisterous yells and painful scolds, but no - the voice coming out of Koga’s lips is shuddered and weak, exactly what can be expected from going outside in freezing weather. His throbbing heart urges Rei to tighten his hug around Koga’s trembling body, desperately letting the little warmth he has be shared.

“I’m sorry. I just- didn’t expect that you’d actually come. Sorry for causing you such trouble in the middle of the night.” How idiot Rei is, thinking that he can seek out for salvation. He forces it and now he hurts his savior. Koga doesn’t deserve all this mess of his, yet Rei makes him walk out in the tethering snowfall and rampaging wind. How long will he continue to hurt those around him? 

Rei’s hands gently rub on the boy’s back, his shoulder feels the shallow breath panted in and out, and suddenly even Koga’s presence right now seems like a reminder of his uselessness. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” slowly becomes the only words he can chant to his lover.

That apology is meant to reassure Koga, but for reasons unknown to Rei, the wolf is enraged. 

“One more word and I will cut off that useless tongue of yours! Why are you even apologizing? This is not your fault. Heck, how can your loneliness be your fault ?!” Koga curses as he meddles with his coat pocket, his fingers all red and swollen, but he still manages to hold out his phone screen for Rei to see.

A chat is there, no reply. 

[ I’m lonely, Koga… ]

“If anything…” Koga still tries to catch his breath. “It was my fault that left you feeling lonely. As your lover, I should have realized that. I’m the one who was with you the most, I’m the one who was the closest to you, I talked with you almost every day, yet, I failed to pick up on your emotional breakdown…”

Rei shudders as Koga’s hands slowly let loose of his sweater, until the chill of the boy’s body no longer wraps around him.

“How could I expect you not to go and die alone, if I myself cannot find out the miserable you?”

Koga’s face looks like he is about to cry, and even though Rei wants to comfort him, he finds his own eyes beginning to lose their sight to tears as well. “You won’t want to find out. Don’t you feel disappointed that I am this weak? A creature of the dark yet unable to compromise with the isolation of the abyss…”

“ So what? ”

Koga’s voice rings, like a guidelight to the lost one. 

“Why do you have to? I’ve told you, many many many times already. We will be together forever. I’ve seen the shittiest you, I’ve seen you in your darkest days. I’ve seen you turning from a blazing flame to a lifeless shadow to… now… ” Koga’s hands move forward, reaching closer and closer until he finally touches the one he has met all those years ago. The same one he admires, the same one he is with, the same one he loves.

“ Now? How about the ‘me’ now? Did you lose hope in him?”

Rei embraces the hand which is caressing his face, voice laces in unshed tears and self-pity, to which Koga can only cruelly laugh. “All those old man whining and this is actually the first time I see you being real with it. Am I so heartless as to find you the most adorable right now?”

The comment obviously makes Rei pouted even further, his cheeks now even more tempting for Koga to pinch. From feather touches on the skin, his hand doesn’t waste any second to change its goal and aim for Rei’s pained expression.

“The ‘you’ now is the one before me at this moment, embarrassed from my teasing, all clinging to me like dear life. ‘Were you disappointed?’ What’s wrong with that self-distrust attitude? Remember, Sakuma-senpai. You. Are. My. Lover. That fact alone should’ve allowed you to be all conceited and proud already.” No more smiling, Koga’s face drops. “... yet you’re here, blabbering about your uselessness. You asked whether I was disappointed in you? How could I? The ‘you’ before me now is the one who has crawled up from the darkest pitfall, the one who has resurrected even stronger than before and the one who is shining even brighter than the stars. No demon can shine, yet you are an exception, hence the common rules of hell can never be applied to you, to us. UNDEAD is meant to be together, the two of us are meant to be together.”

Those words are like coal fire, melting Rei’s heart into a puddle of love, leaving his reservations in the form of ashes. The vampire finally gathers up the courage to wrap his arm again around his lover. And Koga? No, he doesn’t deny Rei’s touch this time. Instead, he pressed his forehead against his partner for life ’s.

“I’ve said it countless times, but as you never inscribe it in your stupid head, I will repeat it again and again until you go tired of it: I’ll always be here, beside you, to remind you that what I admire about you is not your invincibility, but your ability to resurrect from the deepest of the abyss, your empathy for all and even these intermittent moments of weakness . They are all what I love, because those are what make you you… I just love you, all of you . ” As Koga finishes those words, the same confidence that he upholds ever since his arrival seems to have faded. His face squints into that usual half-iritated-half-flustered expression of his and before Koga can react, Rei takes advantage of this chance to land a soft kiss on his cheek.

“You see me, Koga.”

“I always do, stupid.”

At that very moment, something has been evoked deep within Rei, as if the loneliness once has haunted his soul now dissolves, as if the monster who has once been so superior now breaks its curse and returns to become a human. 

========___________========

A sigh gets out of Rei’s lips as memories flick through his head like an old photo book. And he wonders, deeply, what this whole ordeal of love really means to him . Karma is getting its way back to him, for answering Koga’s serious confession with such uncertainty, now he is faced with a mess of his own feelings. 

Before all this, before all these sentimental contacts and heart-to-heart conversations, Rei never thought of Koga in that way. At their first meet, Koga was an interesting individual to deal with, easy to tease, easy to make flustered. And then, during the darkest days, he became Rei’s savior, Rei’s only light out of the abyss. Everything accumulated and the image of Koga in him was gradually shaped into a cute, precious junior who he swore to protect at all cost. But even so, Koga broke through all the cages Rei set up in order to fight with him side by side, aiming for mesmerizing performances and enchanting music. So if the question whether or not Koga is important to him comes up, the answer is “ irreplaceable”. Just never… in that form of importance.

“I love you, Sakuma-senpai. Could you date me?”

Koga obviously doesn’t share the same idea as him - a fact which Rei himself only discovered when it was spelled out for him. “I love you” was certainly not blurted out once, so Rei was not surprised in the slightest when Koga said it. Because the ignorant him always assumed that it was just the kind which can be shared between friends. Rather than that, it was “Could you be my lover?” which truly shed light on him. Turns out Koga’s love is that one, the one which makes hearts race and skin tingle, the one which leaves its holder breathless and vulnerable, the one which lasts through thick and thin and withstands the challenge of time.

“We will be together forever, Sakuma-senpai.”

Yeah… Koga did say that, and Rei has already lost count of the times he has this urge to kick himself for being so ignorant. The vampire really wants to step back in time and asks the past him how he felt when he heard that… and whether or not he felt the same as him right now - eager, burning even, to say yes .

“Ah- It in itself is a sign, right?” Rei speaks to himself in his search for the answer to his feelings. His heart is beating so fast, his skin is heated up, his throat has gone dry… Weird weird weird , a vampire shouldn’t be experiencing this, yet, here he is , all bothered and hot at the mere thought of a future with Koga . 

What else could it be? 

Just admit it already - You love him to death.

How stupid- All those times when he wanted to ward Koga off, when he wanted to let Koga go, when he called himself his owner and that he had to take responsibility for his so-called pet . They are all but a facade he formed to deceive himself of a fact that was already so true it engulfed his whole being. Rei kept finding himself a reason to shy away before he fell even deeper into love, but that process itself was a natural course- it seemed. Because Koga never allowed him to - he would hold on, would fight and would die to be by Rei’s side. Ridiculous - how although all those strugglings didn’t even root from Koga’s deliberate intention to make Rei fall in love but merely his stubbornness, the vampire was still head over heels until he fell to the deepest of the abyss.

No way to climb up now, but it's fine since Rei himself doesn’t want to either.

The vampire has decided then, from now on, Koga would receive what he deserves, Rei’s truest self - the same one that he had seen all this time, the same one that he had loved all this time.

========___________========

That’s what Rei wants to do, would strive and would die to do… But fate is cruel, and life doesn’t always flow the way one wants.

Once again, in front of the fountain, they meet up. The familiar setup makes bubbly feelings rising in Rei’s chest in remembrance of the starting point of their relationship. He waits and waits, for the second pleasant surprise that Koga may have for him.

However, it never comes. Instead, what welcomes him is a reality even more painful than hell.

“Let’s break up, Sakuma-senpai.” 

Rei’s vision darkens in that very moment, and his world crumbles bits by bits.

“...Why?”

A spark of hurt flashes in Koga’s eyes. Rei can almost- almost see tears welling up in that pair of citrines before his lover hardens his gaze and repeats again, in a monotonous voice.

“This doesn’t work. We should just return to being friends, after all.”

Rei wants to reach out to that cold figure, but as lifeless eyes land on him again, as those cruel words wash over him, his voice is silenced by a wave of dread and helplessness. And with that, Koga leaves, leaves behind a heartbroken, wailing beast who cries and howls till its voice goes hoarse and limbs go numb, till its body collapses and mind blurs, till its existence disperses and soul crushes.

This is its eternal punishment.

___________________________

Rei wonders where it has gone wrong.

In this timeless hell, like a torch in the night, like a drop of water in a drought, it is the only hope he can hold on to stop himself from going insane. He looks into the void, screams into the unknown, but like many many years ago, no wonder ever happens. Koga has left him - a fact much harsher than any misery he has ever faced in his short but eventful lifetime. The only sound echoing his plea now is a word of parting, of a superficial reason that he cannot accept. “Better to be friends”? Didn’t you say you love me? Didn’t you say you will stay by my side forever? 

As if Rei would believe that Koga could abandon him on such a whim.

If Koga said it didn’t work, then their relationship must be a defective machine. And if it was a machine, some parts of it must have broken. But where? In this complicated giant structure formed of emotions, where is the flaw that leads to the collapse of the entire project?

Rei seeks for the answer like a depressed scientist who cannot bring his brainchild to life. But even with profound experience and remarkable skills, he is still like a blind man in darkness. He recounts every event, every conversation and every expression on his lover’s face, but no, there is no hint, no telling whatsoever. He is supposed to be good at reading people, but what is this? Days after they were still arms in arms on a couch, but now they are separated. What kind of cruel joke is God pulling on him this time? What kind of mess is Koga bringing him this time?

The wolf has always liked that kind of play- stirring things up until they end up in shambles. He remembers the day when Koga met him and proudly stated his admiration, the day he found him in that dark coffin and brought light to his life, the day when he challenged him in the first and final battle before he graduated. Koga sure messed Rei’s life up . But Rei doesn’t mind, doesn’t care one bit, because the smile and the zeal on his face when he did that was too dazzling for Rei to unsee it.

He simply can’t lose them, he simply can’t lose him.

Ever since love enrooted in him, Koga has long been his life force. It may sound hypocritical coming from a man who has just been made aware of his feelings, but Rei can sacrifice his whole being to swear that Koga is the sole reason why he still exists. If he hadn’t been moved before Koga’s determination, there’d be no UNDEAD. If he hadn’t been dragged away from his tomb by an irritated and disappointed Koga, there’d be no idol Rei Sakuma. If he hadn’t been wallowing in the lovely energy of Koga’s youth, there’d be no him with feelings so humane, with love beating like crazy in his chest right now.

Koga saved him, in both physical and emotional sense.

Like a god.

But now, even that god wants to exile him.

What should he do? Like a faithful follower, should he obey that order and rid himself of the god's eyes?

No . In the first place, who said that he is that kind of obedient , devoted believer? 

Rei is the selfish, wicked worshiper who wants to keep his god’s sacredness for himself to admire. No one else should be shone upon, no one else should be watched over, no one else should be in love like him. So no , he won’t abandon his god and let the outside world raise their pawns upon his divinity. He won’t allow himself to fall and lose the right to protect his treasure. He won’t accept Koga’s future with anyone else but him . 

These beliefs that Rei follows should belong to him only, but his god won’t mind, because Koga Oogami himself once said that he loves all of him, only him. So even this distorted side of him, these immoral thoughts of him, his god will tolerate right?

….

A spark flashes in Rei’s mind, as truth comes to light.

The vampire knows now, that is the problem.

Koga’s unconditional love for him is the problem.

“Wait for me, my love .”

A satisfied, almost euphoric smile seeps on the cheeks that have been dampened by tears.

“I will show you- a tie more beautifully knotted than any other.”

The vampire doesn’t believe in God, but for this one and only god of his, he will bow down and confess his sin.

___________________________

Things come round and round, it seems, as no matter where they run, they return to the exact same place - the fountain.

Koga looks with hesitation at his senior, but as soon as he catches a glimpse of a bright smile, he just wants to throw the moody, droopy him of the past few days in the trash can!

See? The hollow look that he gave you then was just a bait! He is fine! Perfectly fine!!! Only you are the heartbroken one here. What was the need to worry for him? What was the need to want to come by his side and comfort him? What did you expect? How could you be so stupid? 

He doesn’t even love you in the first place…

Ouch- the sheer thought of that fact is, presumably, enough to make him lose all the energy left to yell at himself. And yes, it’s a fact, because Koga sees it with his own eyes.

Ever since the day he confessed, the reluctant “Ok” Rei gave him already spoke volume to the harsh truth. Koga was not dumb, he knew body language, and the side eyes and grudging smile of his senpai were more of an evidence than any other. But even then, so what? Koga didn’t point it out simply because of a stupid wishful thinking of his - he wanted a taste of love, of being the one those rubies land on, of being his most important person’s most important person. You can’t blame him for that naivety of his, not when that is what he has always craved for and prayed for. It would be fine, right? After all, Koga was just too eager to boast to the whole world about his grand, unyielding love - a love, which he believed, could be big enough to fill in even the blank which was left by Rei.

As they dated, there were moments that Koga could almost make sure of that thought. But most of the time, he was haunted , thinking that he was forcing and messing things up. Every time they touched, every time they kissed, Koga gradually found out that his uncontrolled heartbeats were not born of love, but rather fear and anxiety. The feelings lingered were nothing but accusations, the aftertaste felt more like regret than satisfaction. Those accumulated till the day they burst and he had to ask himself: Were they supposed to be like this? Was it right for them to keep deceiving themselves like this ? Was this really what Rei wanted ?

Or was he just feigning to be fine- for others’ sake again?

His heart throbbed painfully as if it was protesting the thought, and yet, his mind was sane enough to tell him it was the correct answer. Koga could whine and howl in a desperate attempt to hold on this relationship, but he, despite himself, was also the same person who would rather they returned to be unit mates, friends, well- whatever they had been- again. Although “weak-willed”   would be the last word he used to describe himself, maybe at the end of the day even the all-mighty Koga was nothing in front of love. A future by Rei’s side as his lover would be a dream come true, but a future by Rei’s side as his friends without having to see him living and dying for others ever again would be even more of a happy ending. 

They are meant to be together forever- yes, Koga did say that. But as to in which sense - maybe, never meant to be in that way, can’t be in that way.

“Koga, do you know why I call you here?” Rei suddenly speaks up in the middle of Koga’s inner turmoil, and although his voice is soft, the wolf can’t help but feel like a bombshell is about to be dropped. He winces a bit at the sudden indication, obviously having no idea of what the “why” Rei hinted is.

“No?...”

The answer doesn’t seem to surprise Rei in the slightest. He keeps a knowing smile on his face and steps up, shortening their distance until his lips nearly touch Koga’s sensitive ears. The wolf instinctively wants to scoot away, but his ex- lover gives him no chance. Rei’s hand firmly holds down Koga’s waist as if having foreseen his reluctance, another used to pull his face even nearer to give him the best access to what is about to be blurted out.

“I adore you. Koga, would you like to marry me?”

……

“Your joke is terrible as always.”

“No, I’m serious.” 

Completely unaffected by Koga’s distrust, Rei calmly takes a red, suspicious square box out of his coat pocket. Almost leaving no time for the wolf’s brain to process that the correct word to describe it would be “a ring box”, Rei already kneels down and opens it, exposing two neatly placed matching rings.

If you ever ask what comes to his mind first at the sight, and if you assume that it is either joy or contentment, you’re dead wrong, because it’s anger .

“I’ll repeat it till you believe it. Would you…”

“Stand up!! You stupid vampire!!”

Anger. Anger boiling in his stomach, seering into his voice and his face, swallowing him in an intimidating aura, which, thankfully, succeeds in making Rei realize that he is truly, extremely furious.

“The fuck is wrong with you? The first time you said you love me is also the time when you proposed - who wrote this crappy script in your head?!! You don’t even know what I’ve gone through , so how… How can you say something like that now ? When I assume that I’m ready to let go of this pathetic love, why do you have to revive it and make it beat even more vigorously in my chest than before? You have no idea how much those words mean to me… so how dare you speak it out so light-heartedly as if it doesn’t mean anything to you ?!”

It’s the moments like this that Koga realizes he doesn’t know shit about how Rei’s brain functions. The vampire always puts on a pretense of being carefree and oblivious, but when the crucial time comes he is also the one that turns out to be in the lead. It makes Koga frustrated- how long will Rei plan to mess with his heart? Wasn’t playing along with that silly dating game enough? Wasn’t not saying a word when he wanted to break up enough? Their relationship has ended! And Rei himself allowed that to happen! For fuck’s sake, doesn’t he have more important things to do than standing here and pulling a sick joke?! Is it really that funny, to have him dancing around in his palm?!

“Stop it, can’t you?”  

( One drop. two drops. And various starts to roll down from his eyes. )

“I have gone tired already…” Before he knows it, his voice has cracked and the tears that have been welling up in his eyes ever since his arrival bursts out and runs down his cheeks. God , what bad timing, he doesn’t want to appear weak, never wants to, especially in the face of the one he admires. 

He hates tears, they’re too pathetic, and no less useless.

Except it’s not - because Rei stands up, as if the sight of a teary Koga finally makes him understand how far his prank has gone. Koga expects him to leave, but the vampire clearly has other plans. Instead, he acts - hugging Koga tight until their chests touch, until their heat is shared, until their heartbeats echo. Thump thump thump , what is that sound? What is this heat? Koga has to choke down his scolding. The vampire never feels this warm, never sounds this noisy. No- isn’t his heart beating too fast?! 

Koga is dead serious wanting Rei to just fuck off and go to a hospital right away, because the last thing he wants to see is his senpai’s death because of the excitement from a silly, fake proposal. But the vampire is an obstinate, stupid guy it seems, because despite his condition, Koga finds him already getting into his litany of confession. 

“Koga, calm down a moment and hear me. My chest… it is beating so crazy it hurts. It hurts… but I don’t hate it, not when it is because of you, not when I have never felt so alive before. You granted me this, you fueled my soul and lightened my life. Like a sea which has been stirred up by a storm, now it is screaming for you. Come on, notice it already. It is about to burst out of my chest and perish if you don’t even give it a glance soon.” 

It’s like something has come out of the dark in Koga’s mind as the true meaning of the irregular heartbeats finally dawn on him - the real obstinate and stupid guy here. He tenses up at those words, fingers unconsciously rubbing where the so-called sea nestles, ears twitching at the teary, breathless voice. A satisfied sigh came out of Rei’s lips at the contact, as if he has just been released from an eternal pain. 

“I spent nights lapping on my wounds and pondering over why I deserve them. I’m hurt, you know. Never more hurt in my life . But I guess people really get wittier when they face their dead end. Because then- I realize, you just love me so much, to the point that you can’t force me to do anything.” A pair of ruby see through Koga, and all of a sudden, he feels his soul slowly taken away with each passing second. Koga would never admit it, but it was that same gaze that made him go down this unreturnable road. The fire that Rei set on the day they first locked eyes still ablazes somewhere in his memory, and now, it is fueled even more. He is sure a greedy man isn’t he? Because even when Koga has scraped all his heart out for him to see, Rei still insists on strolling around in his mind as if thirsting for every thought of him. But should he be glad, though? Because what those eyes reflect are no longer just sheer inspection and vigilance like the day they first met, but something fiercer, sincerer.

“... What do you mean?”

“What I mean is - I see you now, Koga. If you ever felt guilty, don’t , because you didn’t force me at all . You don’t need to. I got into this myself and I even had to thank myself for making such an abrupt decision, for having tried and actually thrived. It’s me who has to thank you for your bravery, Koga, because once more, you save me from a failure of a lifetime, a failure in capturing humanity. I didn’t… know how love feels at all, so when heat rose in my chest and my mind went numb every time my eyes landed on you, I just rubbed it off.”

Rei’s voice wavers, the ever calming voice wavers , as if finally being stripped down to show its true self. “...But it was you - who taught me about it. Step by step, I’ve learnt how it feels like to want to see someone, to embrace someone, to actually love and be loved . Every moment with you is not fabricated and neither do they come to waste, they’re all the precious experiences that enlighten me to an ultimate truth - that is, I love you, Koga.”

Koga finds his eyes constantly finding a streak of lie in this new Sakuma Rei - but even then, he can’t , not when the palpitations of his heart still rings loudly in his ears and the warmth he wraps around him still lingers on his skin. An ominous red gradually forms its way on Koga’s cheeks, but, as dishonest as he always is, he still growls and lightly punches Rei on the exact position that is having an internal marathon. No, this is too much , goosebumps already spread out all of his skin. Although Koga knows how cheesy the vampire can be when he wants to (he is the one who writes all those seductive lyrics of UNDEAD songs, after all- ), he just has never fathomed the day when those words are directed at him. Turns out - they work like magic , drying out all his anger and refilling all his mind with the ever-blazing infatuation. Koga hates it - how he is always so weak to the vampire’s pleas. When they’re still lovers, he may find the fact bearable, but not now - when he realizes how much this stupid vampire makes him go through.

“You are… a pain in the ass.” Koga finally says, though not the best response.

“Always disregards your health.” A kiss on the hands.

“Always acts on your own.” A kiss on the forehead.

“Always pretends like you are fine.” A kiss on the cheeks.

“Always… makes me worried.” A kiss on the lips.

Koga looks at a stunned Rei, and smiles, suddenly having this urge to shout “Serve you right! Have a taste of what you made me drink all this time!” It must be sweet right?! It must be crazy right?! Hell yeah , that’s how you make me feel all this time simply by existing , you ignorant bastard!

I will blow you away.

“So? On what basis do you think I should marry, should love such a troublesome guy like you?” A small retaliation, that’s what Koga aims for. He relishes on the slight hurt that crosses Rei’s eyes, and gaggles mercilessly in his own head. How does it feel, huh?!! The feelings of your unrequited love not taken seriously is ten times more hurt than the sheer feelings of rejection. It’s that weird combination of being frustrated and helpless that has the power to drive people crazy. Frustrated because of not being taken seriously, helpless because of not being able to change that fact or simply lash out at the offender, who is, unfortunately, also the same one you cherish. The best you can do is keep it in your heart until it goes away, but even then, you can’t, because that is equal to throwing away half of your soul which has been so devoted to another person. 

“Feel it, feel me. Feel how I suffer to love you, to be beside you.” Koga dazes. “And then, love me .”

He shouldn’t have distracted himself, really, because a provoked vampire is already on the move. Rei takes the initiative to snatch his lover’s hands away and deliberately put them on his swollen eyes which are only conspicuous now thanks to their close proximity. The sight has Koga stopping on his track of childish vengeance and makes distress, once again, rise from the pit of his stomach. Frowning, he touches it, scrutinizing the telltale swelling and caressing it out of annoyance for such a blot on his treasured masterpiece, cursing in his throat that whoever and whatever causes this deserves an one-way ticket to hell.

Yet again, Koga should have realized sooner- how Rei’s lips slightly open before they touch Koga’s.

The kiss is hot - in fact, they have never kissed so passionately before. It’s not a peck, a butterfly like those Koga gave away just seconds ago, the kiss Rei returns is more like a foreplay. Koga can feel the slight pain when Rei’s teeth nibble on his lip, the slippery feelings when he puts his tongue inside, and the rest- the rest is a complete blank. The only thing left in his head is the obscene sounds of saliva as Rei discovers every nook and cranny of his mouth, as that cunning snake crawls through his teeth and guides his tongue into a bottomless downfall of lust. Their canines hit from time to time, but it can’t stop Rei from being so insistent on devouring him. Koga’s vision slowly becomes hazy from tears and his breath keeps slipping away from him with each moment passing. Despite his pitiable state of being a helpless prey, he still tries to hold on a sliver of his consciousness - there’s something more important to him than this rough display of affection ( which, though, has always appeared in his wildest dreams ).

“ Ah - Hav- urgh -” Koga tries to utter out through licks and bites. “-ya been- hah - crying?”

The wolf feels like he has to thank all gods above that it does play its role of a distraction. With a final lick up Koga’s canine, to which he has to shudder, Rei finally sets his mouth free, a seductive string of saliva lingering on the tip of their tongues. Despite having just messed him up, the vampire still has the guts to smile and lick his lips like a satiated predator. “Indeed, you made me cry, Koga.”

Rei raises his voice, face all conceited and jubilant. “So~ You have to take responsibility. A vampire’s tears are precious, you know? Although you said that I was a troublemaker, you still worried too much for a person who doesn’t want to care . Admit it, you simply can’t take your eyes off me, can you? Oblivion can no longer blind me from seeing you , and anxiety can no longer prevent you from accepting me . There is no way to return now, Koga, as we can only either live in grievance for a lost love, or be doomed together forever, to suffer each other, to love each other to death. You must have been well aware by now that both routes lead to hell - but you’ll be fine if you choose me , Koga, because I am the only one who can turn that hell home .” 

It’s amazing - how this malicious bastard can go from a gentle admirer, whispering sweet nothings in his crush’s ears to an obsessed, crazed fan who pins his idol down and claims him like a beast. This is a trap, Koga knows that this is yet another trap. This vampire bastard is too good at emotional manipulation and is using it to make Koga feel guilty. The matter is… Does Koga pick up on that? - Yes. Can he do anything about it? - No…

Rei is already successful, but only because Koga allows him to.

After all, he is right. Like Koga has said before- he can’t even bear the sight of Rei being hurt, and can’t even bear it more when he is not there to share the pain with him. So what’s the point of pretending like he doesn’t want to love and be loved, anyway? Koga can’t ask for more, can’t ask for Rei to risk his life over a normal heart and certainly can’t ask for another confession or kiss ( Koga knows better than digging his own pitfall now- ). After all those just to run away again and let each other mourn for a lost love? Fuck no- the wolf is not like a certain avoidant, hesitant vampire. He is certain of himself, and only loyal to what he wants.

“You have said enough, now it’s my turn.”

Koga caresses the side of Rei’s cheek, and swallows his pride down to let his thoughts stream out. “I’ve always loved you, and God - I can’t understand why it takes you so long to just realize it. Would any junior, friend or unit mate out there say they wanted to be together forever with the one they admire? I’ve always meant what I said, but every.single.time , you just brushed it off. One day, I just didn’t give a shit anymore, I confessed.”

“But I should have known, for fuck’s sake, how much of an obliging person you are to those close to you. My selfishness got to my head and entangled you in a meaningless fiasco. Yes, your guess is fucking right , but only partly. I wanted to break up not only because I felt guilty for forcing you, but also because I didn’t want to see it anymore - the sight of a broken you, of a you who gave it all to receive nothing, of a you who cried in silence and howled to the void.”

Feather touch lands on the corner of Rei’s eyes, where the dull ache is alleviated by the simple contact.

“From the day I saw you so desperate, I have sworn to myself that I would never ever allow such a hurtful thing to happen to you again. I want you to live as yourself, for yourself - neither a ghost of your past nor a broken version of it. I want you to be selfish, to just turn a blind eye to others’ sufferings, to give up on saving the helpless. Yet… I am the very person who ends up demanding you to do that exact thing.” Gritting his teeth, Koga can sense the bitter taste of his own blood, his lips torn. “I want you to be selfish but I was the one who became selfish instead. Because of my love, I ruined my own promise of making you happy. Who am I? To break you and bring you to tears again? I’d rather live a lie of being a loyal junior like you always expect me to, I’d rather bury my unrequited love with me to the grave, I’d rather come to the afterlife with my wish still unfulfilled than hurt you to such a cruel extent.”

Tears laces in his voice, as he continues to talk- no, scream his heart out. “But why?! I thought doing that would set you free, but for fuck’s sake , I still hurt you! And I hate it, how I’m torn - disgusted how I feel happy that those tears have been shed for me, glad how I still stick to my promise and want to replace it with many more of your smiles. I just want you to smile , why is it so hard?!! Why is it that I keep failing?!! Please , tell me already, Sakuma-senpai, how can I end your own sufferings? ”

Till screams turn into whimpers, Koga can feel the weight of another body pressing on his, hands gently ruffling his hair and arms wrapping around his shoulders. The familiar smell surrounding him is so calming Koga can’t help but get lost in it and let his body lean on the similarly shaking figure. In the back of his mind, a sniffling Rei is talking.

“If you have always loved me so much, then love me till the end, Koga. I have already told you the solution, and you have already acknowledged it, so let me voice it out again for you - be with me, forever. Nothing can hurt me more now than being separated from you, so be with me, and fulfill your promise. This time, you can not only make me happy, you can turn both me and you into the happiest men in the world.”

Rei says as he takes out the ring box again, nuzzling it into Koga’s hands like a silent question. As the rings nestle obediently in his palm, the wolf finally has the leisure to look at them properly. Two silver rings of same size and shape, with a small crux placed across the surface. The only difference between them is the gems implemented on top of the crux. One is ruby, the other is citrine. Koga has to say that he never has a doubt on Rei’s taste, even now, because they look beautiful .

“Our eyes’ colors?” Koga softly asks in amazement of the rings. “Yes,” Rei nods. “Look on the inside.”

Following the instruction, he catches a glimpse of the word ‘Forever’, and then, as a wish has finally become true, as a love has eventually been returned, what is there left to hesitate about? Of course he’d want to ‘be with him forever’, to ‘fulfill his promise’, to ‘be the happiest’. Koga forces down his untimely tears, as he tries his best to smile in this very moment. His shaky hand reaches out for Rei’s, but the vampire catches it first. Koga should be annoyed at this impatience, but he can’t, not when his senpai’s eyes shine with such hope and expectations, not when he himself also wants to see the ring on that hand as soon as possible.

As he puts the citrine ring on his fiancé ’s slender finger, he gives it a soft kiss, and hands Rei the other to do the same.

When ruby and citrine shine side by side, the rings eventually belong to its rightful owners. With their hands intertwined, they look into each other’s eyes, and find their faces both smiling. Those smiles used to be with a passionate guitar beginner and a merciful demon king in the past, belongs to a successful guitarist and a humanized vampire now, and soon, will be in the faces of a happily-married couple.

“I will make your smile bloom eternally, I will make it mine for the rest of my life, and I will make it follow me even to hell.”

Rei’s wishes in some ways sound like a curse, but Koga doesn't mind. He will forgive it, because no creature of the dark would be afraid of curse.

“I shall count on you to bring me home then, so we can enjoy a performance of eternity. Let’s Rock’n’Roll!! Till the day our voices reach hell!”