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i wanna feel all that love and emotion
be that attached to the person I'm holding
someday I'll be falling without caution
but for now i'm only
people watching
— People Watching
Conan Gray
(i) i'm yours to keep & i'm yours to lose
1st September 1976
10:47 am
"And remember to focus on your OWLs," Mother says, embracing her in a way that is stiff and uncomfortable, just like her. "The Blacks are still considering a match for their son, and it's only fair if you have something to show for yourself." She pulls away then, smoothing down her skirt and adjusting her robes. She gives her husband a pointed look, one he seems to understand.
"Of course, " says Pandora, trying not to grimace.
"Tell your brother we'll be having serious words with him about his behaviour," Father says sternly and then turns back without saying goodbye.
"Bye then," Pandora says, very quickly, grabbing her trunk and marching towards the platform before she can be forced to listen to her Mother's long list of warnings.
Stupid parents and their stupid lists of expectations. She passes a muggle trash bin and kicks it viciously, as it falls over. Her anger doesn't magically dissipate. It only gets worse as she sees a couple of first years eyeing the fallen bins warily. Their nervous gazes dart from her face to the bin and back again. She smiles shortly, at which they stare wide eyed.
"Rosier!" a cheery voice calls out from behind her. "Terrorizing the first years again, are you?"
Pandora turns to meet her friends' gaze and wraps her up into a hug before she can protest.
"Sorry, it's my mum's fault," She tells her and is rewarded by Mary's loud laugh.
"It's not funny,"
"Of course it isn't, " says Mary, grinning.
"Speaking of mothers, I was almost kicked out of the house by mine, yesterday,"
Pandora represses the urge to bury her head in her hands like a middle aged woman.
"What did you do?" she asks, exasperated.
"I may have gotten a tattoo-" Mary blinks innocently, but before Pandora can start her investigation—of 'What tattoo? Which tattoo?Where's the tattoo? Show me the tattoo that she does every time someone in their group (Mostly Mary, though) acquires a new tattoo—,a voice shouts out, "Stop teasing the first years, Black. For goodness' sake!" and Pandora calls out "Lily" in a bright shout that is swallowed in the cacophony. Lily turns from where she's lecturing Black, and before she's even blinked, Pandora throws herself onto Lily in a tangle of limbs.
They tumble onto the floor with a muffled crash. Pandora meets Lily's stern but fond gaze and they both laugh, elbows pressing into each other.
"Miss me?" she asks, bright and carefree and Lily presses her mouth against Pandora's as an answer. It's not a proper kiss, more like a peck really but that doesn't stop the public from shooting them scandalised gazes.
"Well that wasn't polite," Lily mutters, after they've extricated themselves from each other and are sitting cross legged facing each other.
"I'm sorry. That wasn't supposed to happen,"
"I know," says Lily, laughing. Right at that moment, Mary crashes to a stop in front of them.
"I thought you guys broke up," she says with a betrayed look at Pandora.
"We did," Lily says, still smiling.
"But that was- you- her?" Mary sputters.
"Can't friends kiss?," Lily responds simply, like she understands the whole of Mary's stammering. Pandora wouldn't put it pass her. Lily is the only person Pandora has met who has more secret talents than Dorcas and Regulus put together which is saying something.
"Black and Potter kiss all of the time," Pandora points out, not particularly sure why Mary is upset but trying to point her right anyway.
"That's different,"
"James and Sirius' whole relationship is based on their inherent homoeroticism," Mary says, and they all burst into laughter. They're gathering something of a crowd by now, and she's sure they look ridiculous, collapsed on the floor, laughing hysterically.
"Come on," says Lily when they've stopped giggling to themselves.
She makes to get up, but Mary extends her a hand that she gracefully takes. For a second, it seems to her that she does not exist. Mary smiles at Lily, still st ground, clutching her hand in something that she would probably define as a love struck haze. Pandora wants to laugh. She wants to shut them in a cupboard until they can kiss and admit their feelings for one another. She does neither. She sits silently and watches them look at each other like they're the whole world to one another. For a second, a flash of blonde hair and blue eyes comes into her mind and then it's gone as soon as it came and Lily is pulling her up with them, laughing.
{ "Oh Merlin, did you see that?"
"See it? It's burned into my eyelids. I've caught it on film even,"
"Where did you get a camera, Mary? Oh-stupid question. We have got to sneak that photo into Dora's room."
"And then what? She'll realise her feelings for the guy and they'll snog it out? I don't think so,"
"Well it would be better than this,"
"The tiptoeing is sort of getting to me. Last night, Dora said something so sappy about him I feel weird trying to say it and one second later she was like, 'we're the best of friends,'."
"Love makes people crazy,"
"Yeah-right," }
(ii) with you i serve, with you i fall down
8th February 1977
7:16 pm
Transcript
Barty (opens the creaking door): What is this place? Dora? You haven't lured me here to kill me, have you?
Barty: Dora?
Pandora (swings her chair around) : Hello
Barty: Salazar
Pandora: I prefer Pandora
Barty (winks, tries to pretend his heart isn't racing because of the jumpscare) : I can call you my wife, if you want.
Pandora (entirely deadpan): You mean your sister in law?
Barty (stumbles, trips over air, gapes, goes through the five stages of grief) : What
Pandora: You and my brother are not subtle in the slightest.
Barty (still gaping) : Um
Pandora (smiles at him): I'm not upset, Barty.
Barty (hopeful): Yes?
A second later
Barty: Well you would be if I was fucking your brother, which I am definitely not.
Pandora: (ignoring him): I was at first because Evan and I tell each other everything but then I realized that mystery girl he was telling me about was actually you and he was just terrified I wouldn't accept him.
Barty (shrilly): Mystery girl?
Pandora (still ignoring him) : Oh Merlin, I broke character. So pretend I didn't say that. I'm starting again.
Barty: (confused)
Pandora: You're dating my brother blah blah you're in love with each other which is really sweet and adorable and so on.
Barty (still confused) : Um
Pandora (suddenly turning around to face him): You do know I'd do anything for Evan, right?
Barty (mostly confused but also somewhat scared): When you say anything-
Pandora (sweetly): Shut up. So where was I? Right, so just so you know, Lily taught me this amazing round of curses, and I went to muggle self defence classes with Xeno this summer.
Barty (appropriately scared): Dora? Are you Imperiused? Did you forget the part where I'm your best friend and partner in crime?
Pandora (twirling her wand): Well, remember when I said I'd do anything for Evan? If you break his heart or do anything to hurt him, I'll cut you into little pieces and REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED
Barty (shook) : That's- good to know.
Pandora (amused): You can come out of the cupboard now, Evan.
Evan: falls out of the closet and collapses with laughter
Barty (betrayed): Evan??? You made me suffer in silence when you were right there? What happened to in pain and in health? What happened to- unintelligible ramble
Pandora: In pain and-? That's a wedding wow. And a muggle one at that.
10 minutes later
Pandora: So Evan, since you're here. You do know I'd do anything for Barty right?
Barty (tearing up) : When you say anything-
Pandora and Evan: Shut up
{ "Definitely not fucking me right?"
"That was a spur of the moment thing."
"You're so bad at lying,"
"I wasn't even-"
"Barty you idiot, don't tell her,"
"Please don't mention your sex life. Or the lack of it,"
"Oh Merlin please kill me now,"
"You've called me stranger things in bed,"
"For the last time, Barty-"}
(iii) friends break up friends get married
23rd December, 1977
3: 34 pm
Dear Dorcas,
I was very pleased to hear from you as you've been ignoring everyone's letters all summer from what I hear, and I am glad you're alright, though in what state you're in, after reading your letter, I cannot imagine. In recent news, Evan snuck Barty into our house for reasons I did not care to acquire (ew) but I found out after the DMLE conducted a surprise raid on the Manor and found the apparently missing Crouch Heir, lounging about in Evan's bedroom. I have no idea what Mother and Father did to convince them to not report us (lots of money for donations, I suppose) but Evan is on house arrest and his broom and writing privileges are taken away, so please do not send one of your secret special letters that spurt profanity.
(Barty already tried it. Twice)
About the thing you mentioned to me, I am so delighted you finally admitted what you were upto all summer, though we all had our guesses. (Evan won the bet. You can pay my side of it as amends.)
Congratulations on getting laid??? Is that how it works? I have no idea, by the way but I am happy you found someone.
Also there were absolutely no details at all? You're holding out on me Meadowes. What happened to the hair of silk, skin of gold, oh my god those thighs? I suppose you've seen everything in near view now.
Regulus is going to be so annoying about this, so you're going to be the one to tell him. I don't want to explain to him why he's been right since fourth year when he said and i quote, when Dorcas is living out her rival fantasies with Marlene McKinnon over there. We should have called it so long ago. What was the disaster with the transfiguration lesson of '74? And when you spilled that potion down McKinnon's favourite blouse though you maintained it was through accident. Barty always said you were too distracted by her face and all.
About the summer home thing you mentioned all I can say is OH MERLIN THAT IS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING FOR YOU!!!!!!
Also, you snogged her outside the same place? That is such a thing you would do, Dor. I can hear your little thoughts from up here, you know. And they are not pure in the slightest. So you went to one of her Summer Quiddich Matches and then you did not write one word about it at all?? Why are you holding up on me??? I know you Dorcas, and I remember in explicit detail the Gryffindor Matches you forced me to attend and then ranted for hours after that about Marlene's stupid hair and her weird eyes and her wearing Potter's jumper and her infuriating smile and her shorts. Did you wear her jumper, mayhaps? Did you also kiss her on the stands, living out all your previous fantasies and screamed out THATS MY GIRLFRIEND whenever she scored because you remember your diary in second year? Yeah, so.
So my advice about your little problem is that your mystery girl ( cough, McKinnon, cough) is an idiot if she thinks she can lead you on. But also have you even asked if you guys are a one time thing? Because from your ahem detailed interactions, it seems like she wants something serious as much as you do.
Think about it. Also I want all the details Dorcas, don't think I won't arrive at your house if you refuse to do that. And I so do not want to walk in on something because my eyes. Ew.
Give McKinnon all my love (and also warn her because if she breaks your heart then she's done for, I swear.).
Love you lots,
Yours,
Pandora Rosier
{ Excerpt from Barty's letter to Dorcas
You were so right about Dora acting out of sorts lately. Because I am an amazing friend, I tagged her when she went for a "walk" today and she was meeting up with the Trelawney guy. Cas, I swear there was no snogging but they both sneaked in so many glances it made me feel ill. How about giving this guy a little warning, you and me, first day back, sneaking into his dorm? It's a date. }
(iv) you know i love a london boy
8th November, 1978
9:23 am
One end of a phone conversation somewhere in France.
Pandora scoffing under her breath : What do you mean you were mean to him and he kissed you?
Regulus I swear to Merlin-
Pandora voice rising shriĺly : WHAT
You slept with him?
2 seconds later
You didn't sleep with him?
Pandora: What do you mean you don't know???
I am very calm, for your information.
Pandora: So you just slept in a bed… together- but not like slept slept uhuh
what did you do then?
Pandora: You ran out?? From your own house??? Reg-
Pandora debating smashing her head against the wall: Why would he regret it if he's the one who kissed you?
Pandora: Right, so you think he's cheating on his girlfriend. Well, I have news for you. He doesn't have a girlfriend.
Pandora: How do I know who you're talking about??? I'm your best friend, you do know that right? And you do remember your three hour rants about a certain guy, don't you?
Pandora: Lily is not into him, how many times-?
Pandora: Being bisexual is a thing, you know.
Pandora: Oh Merlin, you know I'm here for you, right?. Wherever here is. Wait a minute, where are you right now?
Pandora: A telephone booth in the nearest market- Salazar It's 5 degrees out, go home.
Pandora: Oh darling, he's not going to reject you.
Pandora: He won't. On the bright side, Dorcas and Barty will be there in 10 minutes to beat him up if he does.
Pandora: Yeah, okay. That's your abandonment issues speaking. No, please don't-
Pandora: Alright. Stay safe. And by that I mean-
Pandora laughing: Yeah I deserved that. I'll be there in like an hour so please keep the smooching to a minimum.
Pandora: I know you. There is sure to be that.
Pandora: Okay. Love you. Bye
{ "James, we have to set up Pandora and Xenophillius, I don't care how."
"Do you even know how to set people up, love?"
"We'll figure that out. If I have to see their longing glances one more time I swear I'll-"
"You know you're going all sappy inside, right?"
"Shut up,"}
(v) and all at once, you are the one i have been waiting for (king of my heart, body and soul)
17th January 1979
8:17 am
The ground is cool underneath her feet. Pandora glides along the smooth oblong floor like a bird, tossing her hair over her head as she laughs. The voice carries out into the open air. She listens to it, the melancholy ring surrounding it and stops for a moment, inhaling in the forced quiet of the place. There's no one here. She's hiding out in an empty manor, and there's no one here and she's so achingly lonely. She sighs, makes her way over to the window and wishes.
Wishes what? A way to cure the loneliness?
It doesn't matter anyway. Evan comes every week, bringing along Barty who makes crude jokes and even cruder euphemisms just to make her laugh out loud. Dorcas is in Spain for her Mastery, but she writes long letters full of anecdotes and funny stories, and of course Marlene McKinnon. Mary comes too, sometimes, when she gets the time, peering about the dusty halls with grimaces and then they always end up racing towards the stairs to slide down the banisters. Sometimes Lily is there to scold them. Most of the time, she races along with them.
The fact is, Pandora has love. She has lots of it, here with her friends and she doesn't need romance to fill up this gap. But she does know she's got one person missing from the lineup. She wonders if she'll ever see him again.
A whistle jerks her rudely out of her thoughts. The cigarette that she grabbed earlier dangles forgotten, from her lips, and she braces against the cold wind, taking a long, deep breath. Somewhere in the hazy outline, a person is faintly visible, climbing a tree with no caution for the biting wind. She stares ahead, confused. The person turns around, trying to get situated on a low branch, and they lock eyes from the long expanse of ground. A very familiar shade of blue meets her eyes.
She laughs, once and the cigarette falls forgotten. She absentmindedly stubs it out with her shoe and catapults straight from the window into the snow below.
"Xeno," she shouts, Xeno, Xeno, Xeno.
He pauses his efforts of peering into the trunk of the tree, but she doesn't wait. Before he even gets down, she's halfway across the grounds, boots and scarf forgotten, feet flinching from the snow beneath her feet. She doesn't care. This, here is the most alive she has felt in an year. And this, here is the cause.
Xenophillius Trelawney, making his way over to her. Xenophillius, with his long hair and soft eyes, who she's known for a whole lifetime, and never once regretted it.
Xeno, her best friend in the entire world.
It seems like slow motion. She catapults into his arms as soon as he's in reaching distance and the jigsaw pieces fall into place. He stands on his tiptoes to place his head on the little space between her collarbone and her shoulder. When he breathes, she can feel it on her skin, leaving imprints of fire behind. Her arms are wrapped around his back. They stand like that for a moment, alive and free in a way no one can understand.
Pandora is the one who speaks first.
"You came back," she says soft, soft, soft, grabbing hold of his hand, smoothing her palm over the raised surfaces.
"I did not know if you would still be here," says Xeno, the hint of quiet desperation in his voice.
"You still came," She says, then presses her lips to the scar on his wrist. She can feel his heartbeat on her skin.
"You came back to me,"
"Always," he says, and smiles.
"For you, always,"
And this is what she needs, here in this moment, Xeno held in her arms, while the world is quiet around them. A boy with his unshed tears, crystals of a time long ago, greek gods and romance, oh my love, drain me dry, savour me.
She doesn't need fire, she doesn't need a storm. All she needs is peace.
"But your research?" She asks, because Xeno is in love with his work, his focus on finding animals no one has seen in decades. He wouldn't be him without that.
"I can do that anytime-" He shivers as Pandora traces the tip of her finger gently over the back of his hand, like a caress.
"I would give it up," He says, desperation laced in every syllable.
"For you, I would,"
And she understands now, what he means.
She understands everything.
"And I would never ask you to,". She drops his hand, and bends down to accommodate for the difference in their height. She places her hand gently on his cheek, then on his jaw, and he holds her with a hand on the back of her neck. She doesn't know who leaned in first. She doesn't need to.
They meet somewhere in the middle, a soft brush of lips, and then with more force. There are no fireworks, no sparklers. There is only them, and a feeling of euphoria unlike any other.
And this, this is new. Xeno would give up her life for him, but she would never stand for it. And she, who has been noble and sweet, her entire life would be selfish for him. Sometimes, love isn't burning down the whole world. Sometimes, it's just as simple as living.