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If anyone would have told Leo about self-harm as a younger kid, he would've looked at them as if they were stupid. Why would anyone harm themselves on purpose? It was ridiculous. What, they're hurting and so hurt themselves more to cope with that? It couldn't have done something for them, could it?
He didn't vocalize his judgment whenever he'd spot Donnie scratching his wrists. He hid the critical looks behind a grin or even a laugh.
Though, as he grew older, he began to get more curious. He understood why someone would need that outlet, how cutting into the skin could silence the sickening self-loathing thoughts. By harming on the outside, it momentarily kills the pain on the inside.
He learned that when he was twelve years old. He did it once, expecting to realize it was stupid and to never do it again. But something about it was so tempting. His mind couldn't stop trailing back to the moment the blade dug into his wrist. For a brief moment, he forgot about the blistering self-doubt and all his petty insecurities.
To say the least, it wasn't long before he crawled back to it.
After the Shredder, it progressed from only doing it two or three times a week to a daily thing. A treat before bed, if you will.
After the Kraang, it got worse. At every minor inconvenience, he'd find a reason to slip away and dig into his skin. Of course, that was after Donnie let him off bed rest.
When Leo looks back on it, he thinks it was destined to get worse.
For the majority of the day, he was left alone with his thoughts. He couldn't do anything. He was forbidden to leave until everything healed. He was isolated with only himself and his fucked up mind to contemplate his actions and everything he's been told.
He'd be lying if he said he wasn't addicted.
He can't help the way he craves the moment his emotions pour out in streams of red; the pain hurts so good. It's a soothing sensation, pushing steel deeper into the scarred skin of his wrists.
It was a secret he was confident he'd be able to keep to himself, but as years passed by, there have been several close calls. And unfortunately, after the invasion happened, his brothers started to be more mindful of his actions.
His occasional dark-humored jokes weren't just annoying remarks made by him anymore. The days when he wants to hole himself in his room were no longer looked at as him being a typical, moody teenager. His sleeping and eating habits became more concerning. In some ways, it made him pissed. They couldn't have started caring before he was at his worst?
And then he hates himself for thinking that way. His brothers have always cared for him. It's just hard for them to show it with the annoying little brat Leo can be sometimes. He also understood why prying can feel unnecessary and something they don't have to succumb to when all he ever does is deflect. However, brushing it off has become harder to do lately.
Raph, unexpectedly, was the first to find out.
Leo, as soon as he'd gotten his back brace off, knew what his plan was (although a crack was still present, it had mostly healed. Donnie had decided to relieve him of the remaining time he had left). He's going to train until his body exhausts itself and collapses.
He recognized it was idiotic and unhealthy. He was aware his brothers would immediately shut down the idea if they knew, but he needed to be stronger. He needed to have enough strength to protect his brothers if anything were to happen to them again. He hated feeling so helpless watching the city he grew up in crumble, hated feeling hopeless underneath the Kraang's grasp, and watching his older brother leave. He wasn't going to let that happen again.
Currently, the training room looked like bloodied knuckles and worn swords, his bandages torn and his body trembling in utter fatigue and hurt. Crimson liquid had imprinted itself on the punching bag, droplets of it lying on the cement floor. He isn't certain how long he's gone on without a single minute of rest, but his vision was growing fuzzy, his mind spinning. Concentration was an impossible task.
Whenever the urge to allow himself a break called to him, he'd remind himself of his brothers. In an alternate timeline, they had all died because of him. He can't let that happen. It's going to be his fault. He can't.
Leo was like a poison, tainting and destroying everything he touches. It's only a matter of time before they leave him—but maybe if he changes for the better, they'll stay. With that in mind, he continues to push himself and train, relentlessly striking his sword across a mannequin dummy, or repeatedly hitting a punching bag. Occasionally, he'd strain himself more by lifting weights or doing leg exercises. He overexerted his body, forcing himself to take more than he could bear.
…
Raph had heard noises come from the training room, but decided to ignore them at first. It was when they continued that he decided to check it out. It was unusual for anyone to use it besides him and if his brothers had suddenly taken an interest in training, that was fine with him.
That doesn't make him any less shocked when he spots Leo, of all his brothers, training so much that he looked like he was about to pass out.
Raph’s number one rule about training: don’t force yourself to do more than your body can bear. Leo will end up hurting himself if he isn’t careful (oh, if only he knew the irony of that thought).
His little brother hadn't acknowledged his presence, even as he walked forward. "Leo, hey, maybe you should take a break, bud. Or just call it a day and rest, you ain’t lookin’ too hot."
"Hey, Raph," was all Leo said in response, not paying mind what he'd said. He didn't need his aching body and Raph telling him to take a break.
"You just got your back brace off. You can’t make your body do more than it’s used to, ‘kay?" In his mind, he was attempting to justify why Leo would be treating himself this way. He tried to tell himself that since his younger brother wasn't one to train often, he didn't know the limitations of his body.
"I feel fine. Don't worry about it," the slider tried to reassure through racing, exasperated breaths of air, despite knowing that Raph was right.
His lungs ached. Adrenaline ran through his veins. His heart pounded. His mind was filled with a thick fog. His fists were in pain, along with most of his body.
One thing he didn't account for: there was no telling Raph not to worry about it.
"You can’t be doin’ this much to your body after doin’ almost nothin’ with it for five months. You could really damage yourself that way." He wasn’t even sure why Leo had been training in the first place. Was he trying to gain whatever muscle he lost? Or was he just training for the hell of it? Whatever it was, he wasn’t doing it right. Yes, he was training effectively enough to tire him out, but completely exhausting himself isn’t what he's supposed to do.
Raph was attempting to be calm, despite the alarms blaring in his head. He congratulated himself for how collected he was going about this.
Well, up until he saw Leo's knuckles.
Whatever the slider was saying became gibberish as he gazed at the red imprinted onto skin.
"That’s it, you’re done. C’mon." He walked over to his brother and carried him with one arm, refusing to let him go. "You’re gettin’ rest, and we’re takin’ care of them knuckles too. Seriously, dude, you’re doin’ too much for yourself. You’re gonna hurt yourself more than you already did."
Leo inhaled through clenched teeth once he was abruptly lifted into the air, the muscle pains catching up to him now that the built momentum abruptly came to an end.
"Wha— Why?!" He'd struggled to break free from his older brother's grasp for moments after that before his body eventually went limp. All his limbs were exhausted and heavy, too heavy for him to lift. "Hey, c'mon, man-- I'm just gonna go for a couple more hours."
“Leo, just lookin’ at you, I can tell you’ve had more than enough. You can’t do this to yourself, dude. You ain’t doin’ this for another couple hours. You just got outta your brace and you’re over-exercisin’ yourself. You’re really gonna end up hurtin’ yourself, Leo. You’re endin’ your trainin’ for today, oldest sibling order.”
"Says who?" Donnie. On several occasions after he'd initially taken it off. And now Raph. And various other medical source anyone can find online. Yeah, his argument wasn't very compelling. "So what if I 'damage' myself? It'll do us all better in the long run. It'll help me adapt to fighting and stuff quicker, won't it?"
In this mind, it did.
Plus, there's an entire saying where people say "no pain, no gain," and this wasn't very different from that. He's hurting, but there's great benefit to it. He'll be stronger, for his family. He'll be able to protect others. He'll be the leader he was supposed to be.
Speaking of…
"Besides, I say I can continue training. Leader's orders," the slider repeated his older brother's phrase back to him. Though he was getting more exasperated with each moment that passed, his body aching and sore. His fists hurt the most, the pain had managed to soar to his shell.
"No! No, of course not, Leo. Hurtin' yourself is hurtin' yourself." Leo wanted horribly to laugh at the irony, but he'd wasted his energy on fighting. "Brothers come before leaders, and I’m tellin’ you, you’re done for today and tomorrow. And until you feel good enough, and don’t make me push it to the whole week, young man!"
He’s acting like a dad again, someone stop him.
But really, he’s just super worried about what’s going on in his brother’s dumb head. He had begun to walk toward the exit but stopped in his tracks once he had pretty much told him.
"This isn't about me anyway, Raph. You and everyone else told me that way more than you had to. Is… Isn't this what you wanted? I'm finally trying to do what's right to be a good leader, even if it means making sacrifices."
Leo thought Raph wanted this? Sure, he wanted Leo to at least show up to one training session back then, but he didn’t want him to do this to himself.
"Leo, this is about you. I would never want you to do this to yourself, none of us would. Sure, it would’ve been nice if we all got a trainin’ session together, but.. Leo, this is too much, dude. You can’t go over the top with it. Do you know the risks of overdoin’ it? You could strain your muscles, or injure your tendon, and a whole bunch of other stuff. Plus, you already injured yourself enough." Raph motioned to his knuckles, before letting out a stressed sigh. "This isn’t a sacrifice, bro. This is just you hurtin’ yourself, whether you want to hear it or not. This ain’t good for you, okay?"
The slider laughed internally at the idea of hurting himself. Raph didn't even know the start of it.
"I already feel great! I've been waiting an entire five months to start training, dude. I can understand stopping me for today, but tomorrow too? C'mon," Leo attempted to reassure his older brother, but he knew it was to no avail.
His bloodied fists, his muscles stung and strained, the pounding in his head, and even the fog in his brain didn't help his case. Though Raph could see the crimson on his fist, he didn't need to know anything more than that. He was feeling the best he had in ages. It's not like it's as if he'd probably collapse the instant he was set down (possibly an exaggeration, but he sure as hell felt that way).
Leo let out a low groan and rubbed his temples once Raph went on about how he could injure himself. Everyone has been telling him his whole life that nothing was about him, how he couldn't keep being so self-absorbed, and now that he's doing what they asked, it's suddenly wrong? What is up with people's logic?
He was so tired. He wished Raph would accept what he was saying already. "I can deal with this, bro. This isn't me being injured, it's hardly anything," the immense amount of pain overwhelming him cared to disagree.
"Nuh-uh. Don't spit that nonsense at me. Come on, we're changin' your bandages."
Leo didn't have the energy to fight back anymore, even as he was taken into the bathroom and set on the toilet seat. Even as Raph reached into the cabinets to find the bandages. Even as the ones already around his wrists were undone.
It wasn't a sight he enjoyed, watching his older brother's face visibly pale.
"Leo…" The way Raph's voice cracked broke something inside the younger turtle, guilt-stabbing into him like a razor blade. Ironic. "What is this?"
A weak "Surprise?" is all he can muster.
"How… How long?" Raph turned his arm over, nonexistent eyebrows furrowing how many there were.
The majority were horizontally dragged along his wrists, only an inch or two. Though several others were running longways, deep, and begging for attention. He hadn't meant for Raph to find out he had gone that far before. Not like this, not ever.
"A few years, maybe. I dunno." His voice is so nonchalant, it sounds distant. He's forcing himself to act casually. If he reacted poorly, that would escalate the situation and he'd risk another brother or two finding out.
His usual antics wouldn't work. If he angered Raph and his older brother started yelling, someone would come. They'd find out. He couldn't have that.
"Okay," the snapping turtle answers plainly. It's obvious he wants to ask more, but can hardly bring himself to.
The silence dragged on, aside from the sound of bandaging wrists. Raph hadn't bothered to disinfect his knuckles first.
There was something in Leo's mind that he was just too disgusted with him. With nothing to distract him from that thought, it grows into millions of furious, self-hating other ones.
Until Raph spoke up again.
"Leo, you know I love you, right? And that Mikey and Donnie do too? They wouldn't want you to hurt yourself like this. I don't either." He presses on as he gets no answer. "I know you're hurtin' right now, but please… stop doin' this . It gets better."
It gets better. A tired phrase, one Leo's done hearing.
Leo doesn't respond, he can't bring himself to. Raph silently continues to wrap the bandages around his arms.
"Come to me. Next time you feel like doin' it. Please, Leo. You can trust me."
Leo wants to quip back, make a snappy remark, a quick joke, or anything. Anything besides opening up and letting himself be vulnerable. That was uncomfortable. too unusual.
But the words didn’t find him. He stayed silent, words left unspoken.
Until Raph says it.
"I'm gonna have to tell the others."
"Don't tell them. You'll get them worried over nothing." Leo's panicking and judging by the way Raph sets a firm hand on his shoulder, it's evident on his face.
"Nothin'? Leo, this ain't nothin', you're hurtin' yourself," he defends. He can't bear the thought of Leo hurting himself more than he already has. He has no intention of waiting for it to get worse. "I knew you'd try n' fight me on this."
"It's how I cope, Raph. It's better than me spoiling the mood with some joke."
"There are better ways to cope than… this ." Leo notices the way he hesitates before finishing the sentence, how his face scrunches in disgust. "Sure, your jokes can be annoyin' when said at the wrong time, but we still appreciate you all the same. We can help you through this and find you a better outlet."
"I'll stop. Just… don't tell them. Please," Leo's begging. He doesn't fucking beg, yet here he is. Pathetic.
But what's new, really?
"Okay. But you gotta promise you'll stop."
"Yeah, I promise, bro."
"... Okay." Raph seemed hesitant. It was obvious that he was uncertain his younger brother would be able to stop.
He wasn't entirely oblivious to the idea of self-mutilation. He's not only had thoughts of it in the past but it's commonly mentioned throughout the world of the internet and social media. He's aware that it's an addiction, which was the primary reason for uncertainty.
"Okay," Leo eventually mirrored, relieved the conversation was seemingly coming to an end. The awkwardness and vulnerability of it all were overwhelming.
Too overwhelming.
Leo doesn't blame Raph's silence as the slider gets up to leave, how his eyes linger on him, weary of his every move. He internally groans when the red-clad turtle speaks again.
"Do you wanna maybe watch a movie? Or just hang out? To get your mind off stuff." Leo can see Raph's true intentions; He doesn't trust that he won't go and do it again so he's offering a distraction.
"I'm good. I need a nap anyway. Training really wore me out." Not to mention the fact that with every step he took, he felt like he was stepping on millions of tiny needles. He probably strained his muscles.
He got a disappointed hum in response.
Raph became more watchful over his habits afterward. Anytime Leo would leave for the kitchen, he'd insist on coming. He started having to wait until the end of the day, when his big brother's asleep, to do anything.
Up until he started keeping the knife in his room.