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I'm here staring at her back, there's a warm breeze flowing over us. The soft glow of her luminescent freckles dot her back. It's peaceful tonight, the warmth of the air gently touches my skin, like a hug. I feel strangely calm and at ease. She's moving again, and the slightest brush of her leg on mine aggravates me. Her breathing is in tandem with mine, it's like we are one person. This is how I've been feeling lately, she does something, and I have the urge to just tell her to stop. Am I allowed to feel this way? To let my emotions, get the best of me?
Probably not.
I let out a breath and it hits her back. I should get some sleep. Thinking this late into the night, will have me tired in the morning.
I roll over so, I am no longer facing her. A sudden relief passes over me and I fall asleep before I can think of it.
The early morning sun shines on my face. Groaning, I yawn before adjusting to the light. She's gone. Suddenly, I'm smiling. Why am I doing that? She's gone and I'm.. happy? This was unusual.
I drag myself out of the comfort of my marui and head over to the Sully's. This was apart of my morning routine, this was usually my favourite part of the day. Today didn't seem to be one of those days. She was there with Tuk, they were flying something in the air.
Tuk spots me and she smiles. I smile back. "Rotxo! Look what I made. It's called a Kite!"
Must be a sky people thing. I glance up and she's walking over to me. Was it normal to not smile when you see your mate? She takes my hand and leads me into her family's marui. Mr Sully is smiling at Mrs Sully. Is there something wrong with me? Why can't I smile at her?
Her hand is on mine and a burning sensation ripples through my body, it's like I'm on fire. I shove her hand off mine. I see her flinch away; the burning sensation is gone as fast as it had come. I look at her, she's confused. I've never rejected her touch before, so why now? I'm scared, what is happening to me?
"Are you okay?" She whispers, a worried look in her eyes. I smile and nod.
Was her voice always that high?
She hands me some food, and I sit down with her family. This human boy comes in and sits on the other side of her. They start talking and I turn away, not from jealousy but, from relief that she has someone to talk to, who isn't me. Neteyam, strikes up a conversation with me. "My sister isn't giving you any trouble is she?"
"No, we're fine." We aren't. My reflection of her, is fading ever so.
"That's nice to hear. Just don't break my little sister's heart." He jokes, playfully nudging me with his shoulder. I merely nod.
A hand falls on me, and right where the hand is, it starts to tingle. I don't like it.
She's touching me, a smile on her face. I take a deep breath. Think before you speak, Rotxo.
"Yes?" I ask. Her face like a photograph ingrained. "Finish, quickly. I must show you something." I want to eat slow now, just to spite her. But I don't.
I eat quickly so as to not cause more internal war and head outside. She grabs my arm and wraps hers around mine, it feel's foreign, unknown. Which shouldn't be a problem, yet when she looks at me, I don't see a forest of questions that I need to explore. Whatever lurks beneath, shall remain a mystery. Guilt begins to eat at me. Am I a bad person?
She's leading me down a flower covered path, this is new. There's a small river that she takes me into. Streaks of sunlight break through the thick mangrove roots, lighting up the dimmed area of the water. I see her run, she's smiling. I feel myself smiling. Maybe this wasn't going to last forever. A childish grin plays along her lips, it reminds me of the time we swam underneath the stars. So subtle yet, foolish. She makes a motion with her hands, asking me to swim with her.
I walk in, I'm watching her dance around in the water, splashing me with it. I splash her back, feeling that familiar sensation come back, this time it felt nice. We played around in the water for a while longer.
"Dance with me." She asks, hand outstretched, and waiting. I take it and we move.
I held her close. Too close. Her hair falls over her eyes, as though coming to block the sun. Our surroundings don't dissolve, they stay there in the background. She presses herself into me, and I hold her just as close. That feeling wasn't going to ruin this for me. Our breathing syncs together, our bodies move as one under the waking eye of the sun. Her head falls on my shoulder and I have the sudden urge to cry. My body is burning up, and I don't understand why I'm acting the way that I am. She laughs, and at a time like this I want to ask her why she can't feel what I'm feeling.
Am I suffering at the hands of Eywa?
We stop dancing and she giggles. I glance at her; I'm drawn to it. Never could get enough but I look away, too afraid she might see what lingers behind mine. She leads us back the way we came, the sun hits my back, and she begins talking.
"You have been very quiet today, are you sure everything is, okay?" She questions and I excuse myself. I force myself out of her hand and make a dash for Ao'nung's marui. He's there with Neteyam and Tuk. They were braiding her hair.
"Rotxo? You, okay?" I can't do this. If I tell them, let alone her brother, they won't look at me the same.
I look up, and blink away the tears that threatened to make me look silly, I take several deep breaths to level out the anger I felt. "I'm sorry, I'll come back later." I burst out, tears on the brink of falling down my face.
Before I can leave, I'm told to sit down. Neteyam whispers something to Tuk and she complains before leaving. They're staring at me; I can't differentiate their expressions and the tears begin to fall. Streaking my face, I try to hurriedly wipe them away, doesn't work that well. Ao'nung pats the spot in front of him, motioning for me to take a seat. The tears are still falling when he asks me what's wrong.
The thought of it has me crying harder, how am I supposed to tell them? What will they say? What will Neteyam say?
"Did something happen to my sister?" It doesn't surprise me that he takes her side, that's her brother for Eywa's sake. "Rotxo, did something happen to, Kiri?" I shake my head. Oh, but I wish something did. That thought alone has me reduced to nothing but a mess of tears.
I try to choke out a sentence but, my tears are making it hard. Get a grip, Rotxo.
The silence is deafening. A few minutes pass and I've stopped crying, though the guilt still lingers in my throat. "It's not your sister, Neteyam." It's me. I see him look at Ao'nung then back at me. It felt like I was an outcast in my own home.
"I fear.. our bond is not what it used to be." It wasn't the words I was looking for but it would have to do. Neteyam's eyes harden, his hands are squeezed together.
"What do you mean, not what it used to be?" He was hostile. Rightfully so.
I begin to tell him everything that I've been feeling the last couple of days. My heart races, and I begin to tear up. Underneath it all, I longed for a ray of warmth and security. Unfortunately, it did not come, and I fear it will never. I want to see the stars in her eyes again. I don't want this.
"You must tell her. She cannot go on living a lie." Neteyam answers. But isn't a lie better than telling the truth? Can I not let her live a lie? Let her live a life where she thinks our bond is forever instead of taking that away?
I run my hands over my face. "She will think lowly of me." I say, voice merely a whisper. Neteyam is shaking his head. "If you don't tell her, I will, and she will not be happy." I expected as much from him. That was her older brother, so it made sense that he would inevitably end up telling her.
"It is okay, to rethink your connection. My sister will understand." Will she though? What if I utter those words and I realize I have made a mistake? There would be no coming back from that.
I thank them for their time, considering I wasted it.
I take a deep breath and collect myself for the moment to come.
I pray to Eywa that she will not get mad at me. I feel guilty enough as it is.
She's there. Laughing with her family. It was like rain at night, the subtle sound of pitter-pattering against the shell of the pod. Like sun that shone through storm clouds. This time however, I don't think her sun will clear my rain clouds.
She's with the human boy, again. She's happy, running around and chasing him. They fall and he lands on top of her. A knot forms in my throat, I know I can't give her that kind of bond. She looks content when she is with him. Who knew a sky person could unlock the secret of her heart.
Her gaze falls upon me, and she stops smiling. She scurries out of her marui, and a sense of pride fills me when the human boy is left confused.
"You're okay, Eywa, I thought I did something wrong." I swallow the lump in my throat.
She pulls my face into her hands. Like little beams of light, they dart around, she was unsure of where to let them fall. It was by chance that she would look at me, everything wasn't feeling too good.
"Take a walk with me." I utter, tucking a braid behind her ear. She nods, encasing our hands together. We walk along the shore, and the talk is growing near impossible to bring up. My feet begin to sink into the sand, and the early evening sky has come out.
"You know, Rotxo. You have been acting very strange today. Did an Ilu bite you, again?" She laughs, kicking up the sand.
Oh, how I wish it did. Maybe this moment would be different. Maybe I would like the feeling of our hands touching. Maybe I wouldn't feel so mad if it did.
"Not today." We sit on some rocks, and I make the mistake of letting my voice sound so downcast and somber.
"Ma Rotxo, tell me what is going on. You have not been yourself lately and I am worried." How I hate when she says that. Ma Rotxo. Doesn't sound like it used to. It has stopped giving me a sense of safety and it just makes me want to walk away.
Her voice wasn't vast like the ocean. Nor the roots of the trees or the sun and the clouds, and I miss the way it used to slip through my fingers right before my eyes. I wanted to hold it in my hands again, like I did the first time.
"You mustn't get mad at me, when I say this, okay?" My voice is rushed and breathless. "I can't promise that." She whispers.
The sun had started to go down. The soft glow of the sun sets on her face. I am bitterly disappointed in myself. I have her right there and yet my mind refuses for her to be mine.
I start tearing up. An intense rush of my feeling's courses through my body and not long after, tears start to stream down my face. I don't want to be here having to tell her and end up ruining everything. Our breathing is in tandem, our bodies moved like one and yet, they were so far apart.
I pluck up any courage and decide to blurt it out, getting it over and done with. "My bond with you is fading..." I won't try to deny it.
She's staring at me. I've hurt her. "What?" Her voice felt like she was carrying the weight of the world. I don't respond. "Our bond is fading? How- that's not true."
"Not ours, mine.." I say, and she's crying too. Rightfully so.
She speaks through her tears to ask me why. "You and I are like distant planets. We moved apart and now you are foreign to me." I should have seen it sooner, the void between us that only grew as time led on.
"So, what? You're going to forget we ever happened?" I shake my head and reach for her hands. "Forget? Eywa, I could never forget you." Her head is bowed to the floor, and it hurts to know I caused that.
I tilt her head up, her amber eyes meet mine and I hug her. The touch sets my body on fire. Her kindness is unlike any other, it was cautious and awkward yet sweet. My heartbeat quickened and I needed to let go. I take my arms off her body and push our foreheads together gently. I close my eyes and feel her body against mine for the last time. My heart beat as one with hers. My body remembering the way it fit together and molded as one. I saw all her colours and depth. As we breathe as one, I realize I will be held by silence and tainted by gravity.
And just like that everything we thought we knew about one another, fell beneath Pandora.
It was like we faded into the sea.
She walks away. For the first time, I sleep without you.