Work Text:
Remus slowly shuffled forward in the ‘single skier’ queue. The early winter sun would be setting soon, but Remus wanted to do one last run before heading back home. When he got to the front, he stared down at the snow sticking to his skis and waited for the lift employee to pair him with another lonely rider.
After a few groups went by, Remus finally heard the lift worker ask ‘are you single?’ He lifted his head but couldn't see who was being asked through the crowd of people waiting. Remus began to shift forward expectantly until he heard a smooth voice respond, “depends who’s asking.”
Oh god.
That voice.
He missed that voice more than anything. But he was also completely unprepared to confront the person it belonged to. Remus briefly contemplated turning and offering the ride to the person behind him before the chair lift worker reappeared.
“Here you are, friend! Found you another single.” He gave Remus a little pat on the back to usher him along. Remus reluctantly lifted his eyes to see Sirius scooting toward him with one boot unhooked from their snowboard. A fire ignited under Remus’ skin just looking at him.
Sirius gave him a friendly smile and a quick wave and kept moving forward without a hint of recognition. His heart tied up in knots.
Really? Did I matter that little to you? Have you already forgotten me?
Remus didn’t think he could bear the thought of that. What if this longing and regret and shame he’d been harboring for the past few years was only his? Did Sirius find it easy to move on? How could they not even recognize him?
He was fighting the urge to scream when he remembered the scarf, helmet, and ski goggles that were covering most of his features. And since he hadn’t said a word yet, there was no way for Sirius to know who he was.
God, pull it together.
Remus pushed his goggles off his eyes and tugged his scarf under his chin.
“Hi” his voice came out as more of a meek breath than an actual word, but it was enough to get Sirius’ attention. He looked up at Remus and immediately froze. Sirius was just as beautiful as they’ve always been, if not more so now with their rosy wind bitten cheeks and snow scattered through their hair like stars. He was absolutely enchanting. It wasn’t fair that Remus should be expected to have a normal conversation with someone who looked like that. Especially someone that used to be his.
Both of them held each other’s gaze, not saying a single word. Remus swallowed the desire to tell Sirius how lovely they looked and instead searched their sharp blue eyes for something more than their obvious shock.
Are you happy to see me? Can you hear how fast my heart is beating?
Their spell was quickly broken by the chair lift worker ushering them along. They both mumbled brief thank you’s and settled into the chair, pulling the lap bar down.
Remus kept his eyes locked ahead and scrambled to organize his thoughts. He was still trying to figure out how he felt about this situation. Seeing Sirius filled him with an electric sensation he hadn’t felt in years. He missed them so much. Not a day went by that Remus didn’t regret what he did, and he couldn’t believe he was being given the opportunity to make things right.
At the same time, he was terrified. There was so much history and pain between them that he didn’t know how to get through, or even address. He knew Sirius was angry with him, how could he not be? Remus was the one who left and went away to school. Remus was the one who broke things off because he couldn’t handle the distance. When Sirius tried to make things work, Remus was the asshole who stopped returning calls because he thought it would be easier. Remus was a coward.
He ultimately concluded that this was in fact good thing. This was his chance to apologize, to own up to his mistakes, to get Sirius back.
Of course, it would be best to let Sirius initiate the conversation, right? If Remus was the one who ended their relationship, shouldn’t Sirius be the one to decide how it should begin again? That only seemed fair! Not to mention the fact that Remus had no fucking clue what to say.
Lovely weather, isn’t it? Do you come here much? I’m sorry, I still love you.
No, those wouldn’t do. He put his feet up on the footrest and kept silent, watching the snow-capped trees pass by. Eventually, he could feel Sirius’ eyes burning into the side of his face. They cleared their throat before speaking.
“So. How are things..?” Sirius tapped his thumb repetitively against the lap bar. He made the question sound bland and uninterested, as if trying to pass time in a waiting room.
Remus cleared his throat. “Fine, yeah. you?”
“Yeah, good.” they nodded slowly, eyes now fixed on their gloved fingers.
Silence.
The chair continued on its steady upward journey. The tense quietness was occasionally interrupted by Sirius making bored clicking noises with their mouth. Remus looked around and noted that falling snow made no noise. He wished it did.
Remus had a strange feeling in his gut, like he could almost taste the distance between them. He wished so badly that he knew how to close it. He struggled to figure out the best way to address the elephant in the room. It was killing him that he had no idea what Sirius was thinking.
Do you miss me too? Can you ever forgive me?
Remus was about to speak up when Sirius beat him to it.
“School’s keeping you pretty busy, huh?”
“Sirius-” Remus tried to cut him off. He could immediately tell where they were going and he didn’t want to start there.
“What?” Sirius shrugged their shoulders, playing dumb but not hiding his sarcasm. “I just find it interesting that you’re back home and finding time to go skiing, with how busy you are and everything. That was why you stopped answering, wasn't it? You were just ‘sooo busy’ “ Sirius lifted his hands to add dramatic air quotes.
“First of all, I’m on winter holiday. And it's my mum’s birthday, so I’m just home for the week. Second…” Remus started, but cut himself off. His first instinct was always to win the fight; to tell Sirius that he was actually very busy and had no time for anyone. But that wasn't true at all. And this conversation already wasn’t going the way he wanted it to. He took a deep breath and turned to meet Sirius’ eyes.
“Can we just not do this?” Remus pleaded. The way Sirius stared back was mind numbing. “Please?”
Sirius narrowed their eyes and searched Remus’ for something Remus was sure they would find.
“...Fine” Sirius said after a while.
Once again they found themselves in unbearably tense silence. At least Remus could tell where he stood with Sirius now. They were clearly (and rightfully) pissed off. How is he supposed to go about fixing this? Where does he even begin to make things right? Was 'I still love you' actually a good place to start?
Remus was starting to lose hope. Maybe he was right to call things off. Maybe Sirius and him would never work out. Maybe he gave up the one good thing he ever had and now it was too late to get it back.
Just then, Remus could feel Sirius shift next to him, taking a deep breath.
“At least tell me wh-”
Before Sirius could finish their question, a loud scraping sound came from the cables above them, like a saw cutting through metal. Remus and Sirius braced themselves as the chair lift jolted to an immediate stop.
“What the fuck was that?” Remus shouted, his breath caught in his throat. Remus had been skiing many times, and this was not a regular experience.
Looking around, he could see the other passengers were just as startled as he was. He also noticed that he could no longer see the lodge at the bottom. When he turned back forward he couldn’t make out where the lift ended either. They were stopped somewhere in the middle. Trapped.
Fuck
“Uhhh..” Sirius hummed, staring up with a furrowed brow at where the chair was attached to the cables. He took a few deep breaths and scratched the side of his neck. “I’m sure it’s just some kid that fell down at the top, right? Just a routine pause, we'll get going again soon…”
“Yeah, I’m sure” Remus tried to sound reassuring. He was positive that it wasn’t a normal pause. If the lift needed to be stopped for any reason, it would typically do it slower. He’d never come to such an abrupt stop, especially not accompanied by a noise like that. But he kept that to himself. Sirius was clearly getting anxious and he didn’t want to make it worse.
Historically, the best way to distract Sirius was to get them to talk. Remus thought for a moment. There were a million things he wanted to ask Sirius about. He wanted to hear what they’ve been doing for the last few years. He wanted to hear what he had for breakfast this morning. He needed to know if Sirius missed him as much as he missed them.
He settled on something easy. “How’s work?”
Sirius looked surprised by Remus’ attempt at small talk, but they answered anyway.
“It’s going really well, I love it. We’ve had pretty consistent clients since we opened. And we just got a new apprentice that Marlene’s been training, her name’s Dorcas and she is incredible with an ink gun. Marlene’s taking all the credit, of course.”
“Sounds about right.” Remus smiled. He ignored the turning feeling in his stomach at the mention of Marlene. They were good friends, but her loyalty was always to Sirius. He missed her too.
“I’m happy for you.”
Sirius nodded. He let the silence sit for a while before continuing the conversation.
“So how is law school?” they asked. Remus tensed again, waiting for more sarcasm, but Sirius kept going. “Genuinely, I’m not trying to start shit, I just want to know”
“It’s good, yeah…” Remus wanted to continue, but he stopped to think. He had to get it right. This was a good opportunity to bring up what they’ve both been ignoring. After all, Remus going to law school was the beginning of the end for them. He tried to pick his next words carefully.
“I’ve been busy, for sure. But I have a lot more time than I thought I would. I, uh… cut a lot out in my first year, you know, but I realize now that I didn’t have to do that.”
Sirius shook their head and made some noise that was both a laugh and a scoff. “Are you serious? You ‘cut a lot out’? What, meaning me? That’s an interesting way to put it…”
Ah, shit. I fucked that up.
Remus immediately tried to backtrack “Wait, Sirius-”
“Remus, enough of this weird tiptoe dance we’re doing.” Sirius interrupted. He gestured to the stillness around them. “We're trapped here for what seems like forever, so, we might as well have it out! If you have something to say to me then say it. It's long overdue.”
“Okay, fine!” Remus conceded. Sirius was right, there was no point in beating around the bush. The only way out is through, and it was about time they had this conversation. “Yes, I cut you out. I know I went about it the wrong way and it was shitty for me to ignore you. And I’m sorry.
Sirius gave him a blank stare. “Is that all?”
Remus found himself getting irritated now. “Well, I mean, what choice did I have? Long distance wasn’t working for us, you know that.”
Sirius threw his head back in exasperation, “God, Remus, you are such a quitter! Don’t act like it was so obvious that our relationship was destined to fail. We could’ve made it work, but you were just too scared to commit! Too scared to fail, so you never even tried!”
“Of course I was scared!” Both of them were yelling now. Through his irritation, Remus felt the same electricity he had been missing all this time. Although it had been a while, it was an overwhelmingly familiar feeling. The adrenaline of passion was addicting, and they were better at passion than anyone else. There was a sudden dizzying urge to kiss Sirius, and Remus had to clench his jaw to suppress it.
“I was terrified, Sirius. I didn’t know how to be apart from you. Every day I wanted to be home with you and it was killing me. I did what I thought was best. You don’t think it was hard having to choose between you and my entire future?”
“Why did it have to be a choice?! Did it never cross your mind that I might want to come with you?” Sirius yelled.
Remus was struck by those words. Honestly, the thought had occurred to him, but it never seemed like a possibility. He was going to school across the country. Sirius had a life here. He had been making plans to open his tattoo shop, Remus couldn’t ask them to sacrifice that.
“God what the fuck is taking so long, anyway?” Sirius burst out in the quietness, bringing Remus back to the world around them. The couple on the lift in front of them had both turned their heads at the yelling.
Remus was also getting worried. He had been preoccupied by the conversation at hand, but at this moment he realized they had been stationary for over five minutes. Clearly something more serious was wrong. They both scanned their surroundings for any information.
“Wait, look!” Sirius threw their elbow into Remus’ arm to get his attention, then pointed a little ways up the mountain. Remus looked down and saw someone in a bright red Ski Patrol vest pulling up to a stop below the chair in front of them. After a few incoherent words were exchanged, the man came down and stopped below their chair.
“You two alright up there?” the man shouted up at them.
That’s a loaded question
Remus and Sirius both nodded reluctantly, waiting for the man to continue. He explained that there was a maintenance issue, but it was being handled. He told them the lift would be up and running in about 15 minutes and then moved on to the next group of passengers before either of them could ask any further questions.
“Well that’s just grand,” Sirius muttered.
Neither of them spoke for a moment, but Remus couldn't end the conversation there.
“I really am sorry, Sirius.”
Sirius stayed silent, so Remus took the opportunity to ramble.
“I was awful. I was a coward. I stopped responding because I knew I didn’t have an excuse. I thought it would be better to shut you out. I thought we would only get worse down the line and I wanted to prevent that. I thought we’d both be better off if we didn't drag it out. But that was so fucking stupid, and I regret it every day. I miss you like crazy! I-” Remus paused, preparing himself for what he wanted to say. Sirius turned to look at Remus with wide eyes, encouraging him to continue.
“I love you Sirius. I have this whole time. And I am so sorry for the way I ended things. I wish I never ended it at all, but especially not like that. You’re right. I quit because I was scared. I was scared to ask you to come with me because then if anything happened you would resent me for it forever. So I just gave up. And I’m so sorry.”
Wel, there it was.
When Remus was done, the two of them stared at each other for a long time. Sirius' eyes were a deep ocean Remus had missed getting lost in. He searched them for a reaction, a response, anything.
Was it enough just to say it? How can I show Sirius that I mean it? Does he feel the same?
After a long staring contest, Sirius finally spoke up.
“You do realize you got the same result by trying to avoid it, right?”
Remus huffed a defeated laugh. “I know. Im a fucking idiot.”
"Well, at least we agree on that." Sirius smiled back.
They were quiet again, but for the first time it wasn’t tense or awkward. It was calm. They sat in their newfound comfort until Sirius felt compelled to say more.
"I do too... I, uhh- I miss you, I mean."
A tingling vibration ran through Remus' bones to his fingertips. There was a dense black hole in his chest that felt like it was being filled. They were by no means back to normal, but they were going in the right direction. There was still hope. Remus held onto it.
Remus nodded in response, trying to keep his composure. He wanted to shift the conversation to a more neutral territory, worried he might press Sirius too far and make them take it back.
“So, um, are you here alone?” He asked Sirius.
“Wouldn’t you like to know?”
Remus lit up at Sirius' playful comeback. This was the Sirius that Remus needed to get back to. He gave a breathy laugh and continued. “Let me rephrase that. Where’s James?”
“Ah.” Sirius tipped their head back to gesture toward the bottom of the slopes, and Remus’ eyes instantly went to his neck, and the way the bend in his throat was just barely visible over their jacket collar. Remus missed every inch of Sirius - inside and out - but the bend in their throat was high on that list.
“He’s in the lodge. Didn’t wear warm enough socks and his toes were cold so he’s waiting there while I do one more run. Speaking of which, I should probably let him know what's going on.”
Sirius pulled off their glove and got their phone out of their back pocket, leaning slightly onto Remus in the process. Even through both of their thick winter coats, the contact made Remus’ chest tight and his cheeks warm.
Sirius texted a brief update to James and stuck their phone back in their pocket. This time Sirius leaned so that his hair lightly brushed against Remus' cheek.
God, he must be doing that on purpose.
“So, are you here alone?” Sirius sent the question back, nudging Remus with their shoulder.
“Yeah, my mum’s got some lunch with her friends, so I had a free day.”
“Hm. And are you here… alone?” He put emphasis on the last word, staring back at Remus. The intent was clear. Are you with someone?
“Yes. I’m here… alone.” Remus responded with the same intonation. He’d been dying to make that clear since they first sat down. He felt the need to say more. To make it known that not only was he not with anybody else, but he was unable to be with anyone else. When Remus thought about love Sirius was the only word that came to mind.
“I haven’t, you know. Been with anyone, I mean.”
“Really?” Sirius furrowed his eyebrows and made a bad attempt at hiding his satisfaction. Remus laughed and shoved his shoulder into Sirius lightly.
"Me neither" Sirius confessed after a beat. "Well, none that mattered."
Remus was shocked to learn this, but also shamefully satisfied.
There is hope.
"Hey," Remus turned to meet Sirius' eye. "Can I ask you something?" He let the question hang there for a moment. Sirius looked at him with slight trepidation but still nodded.
"You know when I was saying you would have resented me if I asked you to come with me?" Remus paused and waited for Sirius' slight nod. "Would you have?"
"What, resented you?"
"No," he clarifies, "come with me."
Sirius stared ahead of them at the unrelenting snow. He considered the question for a moment. "Maybe. I thought I might at the time.”
They paused. When Remus didn’t fill the silence, they continued. “If you’d have asked, I’d have said yes.”
Those few words nearly made Remus fall apart. All it took was some direct communication this whole time. He knew that all along, but now he was finally confronting it face to face. He was such an idiot. And a self-destructive coward. But no more.
"Well," Remus began, drawing Sirius' attention. They held eye contact and Remus couldn't help but smile. "Next time I want something, I'll be sure to ask for it."
Blood rushed to Sirius' cheeks in the most adorable way. They stared at him with questioning eyes and slightly parted lips. Remus' eyes fell to those lips instantly. Once again, he was overcome with the electric desire to kiss them. He had never wanted anything more.
Sirius' eyes were scanning Remus' features as well. "Then ask."
Then, just as abruptly as it stopped, the chair lift jolted into motion. Remus and Sirius pulled their eyes away from each other hastily, startled by what was about to happen and by the sudden commotion that interrupted it. Various passengers began cheering and clapping, relieved that their frozen nightmare was over.
Suddenly, Sirius began to laugh. It started as a little giggle in the back of their throat but grew to a fuller, breathy sound. Remus felt his cheeks turning red.
“What is it?”
Sirius lifted his arms up and gestured to the empty space all around them, to the recently-mobile ski lift that had spent the past twenty minutes in stillness. “I just can’t believe our luck with this thing!”
This made Remus laugh as well. “Yeah, that was quite shit, wasn’t it.”
Sirius smiled, but shook his head. “No Remus, I don’t mean the lift, I mean this,” they gestured between the two of them. “What are the odds we would find ourselves here like this? What are the chances this would happen? It’s just absurd.”
“Yeah, it’s definitely unexpected.” Remus breathed a deep sigh of relief, appreciating his surroundings. The chair was moving smoothly, and he could see the top.
He turned to Sirius, who still had a dopey post-laugh grin and sparkles in their eyes. As much of a disaster as this was, it was exactly what they needed. “I’m glad it happened, though.”
Sirius nodded, “Me too.”
Once their chair was finally at the top of the slope, they both got off and shuffled away from the exit. Remus was suddenly terrified for what would happen now. Was that it? Where would they go from here?
Just then, Sirius turned to Remus with the most breathtaking smile he’d ever seen.
“Race you down?”