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Long long ago, there lived a prince, named Cole Cassidy.
But he wasn’t just any prince, he was a beautiful prince!
But he wasn’t just any beautiful prince, a LONELY BEAUTIFUL PRINCE !
BUT HES NOT JUST ANY LONELY BEAUTIFUL PRINCE, he’s a lonely beautiful prince EVEN MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN THE GOD OF BEAUTY, GENJI!
He became so famous for his beauty, some even started worshipping him instead of Genji!
And of course the beautiful but self-absorbed Genji couldn’t stand for such a crime! After pondering for long hours of a plan do dispose of the prince, he has a plan! He will make him fall in love with a hideous monster! Good thing, his older brother Hanzo has the perfect set of talents to achieve that task!
The god of love was summoned, and dutifully agreed to his brothers request, willing to protect his younger sibling’s honor from some random, lowly human.
In the late hours of the night Hanzo travels to the mortal world to curse the man to love a terrible monster, but upon seeing the brunette, his breath shutters.
Messy curls, tan skin, light freckles, and pillowy lips. He lay peacefully on the silky bed, barely moving, just light breathing.
(At least in the god’s vision, but in reality- he was obnoxiously sprawled across the bed with his mouth wide open, drooling, and loudly snoring)
Startled by the human’s beauty, Hanzo stabs himself with one of his own arrows and ungracefully falls out of the window, now being doubly in love with Cassidy.
Nice job Hanzo.
Later in the mortal world, Cassidy is feeling very discouraged. He’s beautiful, but people who approach him always get startled by his loud and upbeat personality. He wants to be loved, however nobody loves him for him. And it’s REALLY starting to irk him.
So he leaves town to travel to meet the Oracle, Echo.
“Oracle Echo, will I ever find true love?” He asks.
“Yes Cole Cassidy, you will.” She smiles. “However, it will be with a monster beyond your human comprehension.” Her face goes stony.
Cassidy wished he didn’t ask.
And so, Cassidy is taken to a scary cliff almost higher than the clouds to be taken to his new paramour, but he tries to jump off. Much to his disappointment he is saved by the god of speed, Lucio. Lucio takes him to a large extravagant palace where his future husband should be meeting him.
Much to Cassidy’s surprise, his future husband is invisible! His husband promises that he can live lavishly for the rest of his life being served by the god’s many invisible servants as long as he never sees his true form. Cassidy likes this arrangement very much and lives happily for a little while, until his two sisters, Sombra and Ashe come to visit.
His two sisters are extremely jealous of their younger brother’s new living situation and convince him to find his true form, and stab him with a dagger if he really is a monster, so he doesn’t kill him im turn.
So that night Cassidy sneaks into his mystery fiancé’s room with a lantern and a dagger. He is prepared to come across a hideous monster, but comes across a totally not hideous super cute god! In his flustered-ness Cassidy accidentally stubs his toe on a floorboard and trips onto one of Hanzo’s arrows, now double in love. But also spilled the hot wax of the lantern on Hanzo and wakes him up. Hanzo wakes up screaming in pain and flys away because of the betrayal.
Hanzo flies back to cry to his younger brother- and now Genji is twice as mad at Cassidy.
Genji flies to Cassidy who is grieving the loss of his husband, and his sisters who recently died. (Oh btw the sisters fall off a cliff and die)
“Do you want your husband back, human?” He asks.
“Yes- oh yes!!! I’ll do anything!”
“Anything huh? Well good, there are four important tasks I need completed.” Genji smirks under his mask.
Genji forcefully pushes Cassidy into a forest and drops a mixed assortment of grains on the ground and tells Cassidy he has one day to sort them by type.
As Cassidy sits there in the dirt starting at the pile of grains a rusted old robot with moss growing all over it comes across him. The robot, named ‘Bastion’ takes pity on the prince when he vents to him about his problems and sorts the grains for him. Being a robot gives him highly calculative abilities, so telling apart the grains was easy.
Genji comes along the next day pissed to see the grains perfectly sorted. For Cassidy’s next task, he was to swim across the lake and get some wool from the magical sun sheep.
Cassidy goes into the water and decides to start drowning himself.
Meanwhile the literal god of water Ramattra notices this weirdo in the lake trying to drown himself, saves him and tells him the sheep will kill him if he tries to take their wool, so it’s better to try and find some wool pricked off them by a bush. Cassidy does it and Genji has to restrain himself from throttling something.
For his second to last task Genji ups the stakes and tells Cassidy to go get some water from the river sticks. The problem is is that it is filled with hundreds of cursed deadly dragons. The observing god of thunder Junkerqueen decides this situation is getting too ridiculous and sends her servant Jamie to blow up the dragons and get the water for him.
Genji at his complete breaking point yells at Cassidy to go to hell. Specifically to bring this box to goddess of the underworld Mercy so she can put some of her beauty in the box.
Mercy gratefully accepts the box and does something to it and quickly sends Cassidy on his way. On his way back from the underworld Cassidy notices that from being pushed into the dirt by Genji, trying to drown himself and having to literally walk to hell he isn’t looking too nice. Since he’s going to be seeing his fiancé soon he should try and freshen up a bit! Opening this box of pure beauty sounds like the best way to do so!
But it wasn’t beauty.
It was death.
At this point Hanzo has long forgiven Cassidy for the betrayal debacle but is being kept by Genji while he slaps Cassidy around. While Genji is busy cackling at the prince’s demise the god of love swoops down to the underworld to save Cassidy and bring him up to Olympus for Junkerqueen to marry them (and tell Genji to F off)
Cassidy is turned into an immortal god and the two lovers are dutifully wed. When their daughter is born they name her Hana, the symbol of union of the soul.
The end.
——
Ana shuts the book. “So, how did you like that story?”
“That was the gayest thing I’ve ever heard.” Cassidy said.
“Is this why the entire division is been pestering me to wear this stupid valentine’s outfit????”