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"I... I think I will go by Jane now. And use she/her."
Wilbur tears his eyes away from his report and looks at McNamara. The General smokes, smokes nervously - but you'll notice that only if you really know the General. Drags on longer. Shakes off the ashes more often. Gaze focused on nothing.
"Okay then. Took you long enough." Wilbur freezes, immediately realizing that he screwed up. The pause drags on, and Cross silently curses.
"Wait, what?"
"Um..." Wilbur looks up, only to meet McNamara's gaze and forces a strained smile. "Nothing, really. I said ‘okay then’."
"What do you mean by ‘took you long enough’?.."
Wilbur shrugs, realizing that he can't talk his way out of this.
"I thought it was obvious and you were just nonconforming, like, a he/him woman or something."
McNamara completely forgets about the cigarette and slams her hand on the table, not getting burned by some miracle.
"What the fuck, Wilbur?" The General swears so rarely that Wilbur involuntarily shivers. "I haven't thought about anything like that, ever, until couple of weeks ago."
Cross raises his eyebrows and blinks rapidly.
"Wait, you haven't? Well, I’ve known for about a year or so now..."
"You what??"
"...and the team figured it out a few months ago."
"The team?!"
"...yeah."
"I don't get it. I didn't even know myself."
McNamara is no longer yelling, but there is no usual confidence in her voice, and Wilbur cautiously approaches and touches her shoulder.
"Jane, dear, it's ok. I'm sorry if it feels overwhelming." Jane's shoulders aren't shaking, but Wilbur feels them tense. "You don't have to tell the team if you don't want to"
"Thanks, Wiley. But I'm going to."
***
When Jane told the team, Wilbur was standing behind her. McNamara peered into the faces of the team, looking for at least a shadow of surprise on someone's face.
Nothing.
Maybe relief.
Everyone just smiled.
"Fuck you, Wilbur." McNamara mumbles through her teeth, but Cross somehow hears it anyway, and, damn it, also responds.
"Maybe better do that after work, dear?" McNamara literally hears the grin in his voice and takes a deep breath so as not to knock him out with her fist right now.
***
"General McNamara! I'm so happy for you!"
Jane would like to pick up her pace and hide from anyone's eyes, but that’s against protocol so she stops.
"Thank you, Field Agent Jessie."
"I thought that maybe you wanna go shopping? I can help you find some clothes and makeup and..."
"Jessie, stop this. No."
Jessie stops mid-sentence and looks from McNamara to Cross in incomprehension, seeking an explanation from the latter.
"But I thought..."
"I'm completely satisfied with my clothing and overall style, and don't want to wear makeup. Please, get back to work."
"Yes, ma'am. Um... Should I call you ma'am, though?.."
"Yes. Thank you, Jessie. Appreciated."
Jane turns around, finally able to leave. Because all she wants now is to lock herself in the office and digest everything that happened.
It's overwhelming.
But the "ma'am" spoken by Jessie echoes in Jane's ears.
Jane feels warmth spread inside her chest.
***
"Have you finished the paperwork, agent?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Sir."
"I'm sorry, sir. Won't happen again."
"Good."
McNamara turns around and immediately takes out a cigarette, lights it on the move. It's not so far to the office, but on the way he has to light another one.
Ma'am.
As if.
John doesn't slam the door just because he has everything under control, but the cigarette burns him and falls out of his hand.
It was Wilbur's stupid idea. John doesn't know how, but he definitely led him to this stupid, unnecessary, useless idea. He’d already known for a year. Yeah, sure.
Anyway, Wilbur is not here and will never be here again, so it's best to forget about this as soon as possible. To hell with all this, or to the Black and White.
"You mad?"
John's heart skips a beat, his hands tremble, the voice echoes painfully in his chest and spine, but he looks up and doesn’t show that he can’t believe in what’s happening.
It's not that hard, because it's not Wilbur sitting at his desk with his legs thrown over it, although he looks exactly the same, although his smile is exactly the same, although his gaze gets under John's skin exactly the same.
***
"What's wrong, Jane?"
"Don't call me Jane."
"Okay, Jeez, sure." Wilbur raises his hands, but immediately changes the gesture to a mock salute. "Yes, ma'am!"
"Fuck you, you ass of a bitch!"
"Your shift ends in about 15 minutes, maybe after work, darling?"
John is so angry that this feeling drowns out all the others, so much so that he wants to beat all the crap out of this Wilbur, or at least out of the walls that failed to keep him out of here. Somehow, they failed.
"Do you want an apple?" Wilbur winks at McNamara, and the apple appears out of nowhere and ends up in his hand. A green one.
"What do you want from me?"
Wilbur raises his eyebrows in surprise and examines McNamara from head to toe.
"Hm... Actually, today - nothing. Well, maybe I want you to join me, but you’re gonna say no and call me a bitch or an ass again - my Wiggley, you never used to swear so much before! - so it doesn't really make sense to talk about that right now. But I'm concerned about you."
"Why would you be concerned about me?" McNamara stands straight and stares Wilbur in the eye refusing to look away. Anger is boiling in his veins again, because if it really is Wilbur, that's even worse than if he was dead.
He has the same manners, the same facial expressions, the same intonations. The smallest details.
Lord, John wishes this wasn't Wilbur.
"Why did you change your name back?"
It's getting harder and harder to believe that’s not Wilbur.
***
"Seriously, General," he deliberately puts emphasis on the form of address "what's all the fuss about? I thought you finally figured yourself out-"
"Shut up. I'm not buying your mischievous bullshit anymore."
"What do you mean by that?" Wilbur sounds almost offended. "I didn't do anything!"
"You messed with my head somehow." McNamara immediately realizes that he blurted out too much. The last thing he wants is to reveal his thoughts to Wilbur.
As if Cross doesn't already know him inside out.
"I didn't do anything!" Wilbur repeats himself and throws up his hands resentfully, and the apple hits the floor with a loud thud somewhere behind him. "I didn’t even say anything until you figured it out yourself!"
"I didn't figure out anything. I was delusional." McNamara wants to believe in that himself. So he does.
"I see." Wilbur's face changes, but the expression is now unclear. "Let's talk later."
McNamara blinks, and Wilbur disappears as if he never existed.
McNamara thinks that it would be better if he really hadn’t ever existed, but cuts himself off mid-thought.
Because it's not true.
***
Wilbur smells like apples and her cigarettes, and Jane buries herself in his hair, hugging him from behind. She wants to lie like this forever, at least for hours, but she knows that in 5 minutes the alarm will go off and it will be time to get up, get dressed, put the boots on and go to work. For the both of them.
Jane only snuggles closer to Wilbur, because it won't be possible to prolong this moment, but like this it seems that it might be. The alarm blares treacherously, and she has to get up after all.
"Good morning, sunshine," the voice sounds a little bit too real, and McNamara realizes that he is no longer asleep. "So, you're calling yourself Jane in your dreams after all?"
John freezes in place instead of jumping up and, taking a deep breath, calmly gets out of bed. Maybe if he ignores him, he'll just leave?
"See, that's not me, I haven't done anything," McNamara doesn't look, but he hears Wilbur crunching on an apple. "That's you."
Be silent, just be silent, better yet, don’t even listen.
"I swear, I haven't done anything, I just watched your dream, you do this all by yourself, Jane."
Shut up, shut up, shut up.
"I could read your thoughts if I wanted to, but I don't think it'd be polite."
Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up.
"I wonder if u want me to shut up, but I won't 'cause you're being so stupid about all this."
Go away. Please just go away.
"Ok, I'll leave you to it, if you don't want to talk yet. As they say - yes, ma'am".
Lord, I hope, you disappeared again.
***
McNamara stands in the middle of the Black and White, pointing a gun at Wilbur.
The General has a hard time remembering this is not a dream.
Wilbur is once again saying something about his non-involvement and, no matter how much McNamara would like to dismiss him, awareness has settled in a while back.
Jane doesn't lower the gun.
Wilbur grins, finally noticing.
"Hello, Jane."