Archive of Our Own

Simon

guys…

help

Rosh

?????

Simon

i realized something…

Ayub

please don’t say you’re straight

Simon

🖕

Simon had found himself in countless uncomfortable situations over his sixteen years of life - his tryst with the crown prince perhaps being the most notable, but not an outlier of his existence, but he was truly mortified about finding himself in his current predicament. Upon being tagged last night in an Instagram story from the guy he was sort-of-not-really-but-kinda dating, Simon discovered he had been spelling the guy’s name wrong for… the entire duration of their fling thus far. 

markus spells his name with a c

Ayub

carkus? you’re dating a dead animal?

Rosh

that’s carcass you dumbass

Ayub

i’ve seen weirder spellings

Simon

GUYS

i’ve been spelling his name wrong for MONTHS and he hasn’t said anything 

Ayub

LMFAO

Rosh

what a loser

Ayub

maybe he has an incompetence kink

Rosh

EW

remember when he said you had daddy issues…

Simon

oh god

i need to dump him

Ayub

yeahhh…

Rosh

i never said anything about rebounding with him that was not me

Simon was never going to take dating advice from his idiot friends ever again. The only reason he had ever even entertained the idea of Marcus was because of their poking and prodding and his own desperate attempt to get over Wille. Which apparently didn’t even work. He was never really that into Marcus and every time a message from him would pop up it would fill him with dread. Especially now, given the fact his name was saved to Simon’s phone as Markus. Rosh was right. Marcus really was a loser. Not in the endearing, fumbling way Wille was (he’d have to unpack that thought later), but like, an actual loser with such little self-respect he didn’t care that the guy he was dating didn’t even know how to spell his name properly. He really never should have given Marcus the time of day, but he was heartbroken so he went for it.

Later that evening he was playing video games against Ayub, when suddenly Rosh appeared in his doorway and made herself comfortable on his bed. 

“Hi?” Simon said quizzically, taking his eyes off the screen for half a second and narrowly missing getting shot and losing another one of his character’s remaining lives. “Can I help you?” 

“No, but I can help you,” Rosh replied, reaching for the bag of chips sitting next to Simon and frowning upon discovering that it was empty. “Turn this off and get Ayub on the phone. I have an idea.” 

The idea, as it turned out, was to commit psychological warfare against Marcus by calling him different names to see what might happen. Simon wasn't convinced it was the most ethical thing to do, but he had to admit it did sound kind of hilarious. 

“I really think this is gonna backfire and go on for way longer than expected,” Ayub’s voice came through the phone. “I guarantee he’s just going to let it happen.” 

Rosh nodded, a smirk slowly taking over her face. “Let’s put a wager on it, shall we? I think it’ll drive him so crazy he’ll eventually break and finally be interesting.” 

“Deal. We’ll shake on it tomorrow.” 

Simon groaned. “Guys, I don’t know. This all feels really wrong.” 

There was no way he could condone this. He was trying to live life like a good person and stay out of (more) trouble. This was most decidedly not the actions of a good person. 

“Simon, baby, look at me.” Rosh leaned forward, placing her hands on either side of his face, giving him no choice but to listen to her. “Think of it this way. Marcus has spent months making you feel bad and crazy for having trouble moving on and not immediately falling head over heels in love with him, and not listening to your concerns and hesitations about moving too quickly. Has he even once asked you how you feel about the video and everything that happened?” 

“I-“ Simon paused, frowning. No he hadn’t. Every time the video came up in conversation it was mentioned by Marcus only for him to insist that he had never watched it. Simon was never too sure if he believed him. It was honestly - unfortunately- pretty inescapable. Seeing it without seeking it out still counts as seeing it. 

“Exactly. No more being the bigger person. Have some fun, play some mind games, and then dump his sorry ass.”

Rosh had this threatening aura and way of speaking that made you afraid to argue with her. Great when she’s on your side, but rather terrifying when she’s not. 

Simon nodded, conceding. “Okay, yeah. I’ll do it. But I’m going to need your help coming up with names.” 

“Way ahead of you,” said Ayub’s voice, and a moment later Simon’s phone buzzed with a link to a google doc that was already multiple names deep. 

“Dude,” Rosh snorted, peering over Simon’s shoulder, “I’m going to be seriously concerned for this man’s wellbeing if you call him Michelangelo and he doesn’t acknowledge it.” 

“Only one way to find out,” Simon said with a shrug of his shoulders. There was a high likelihood that Marcus was going to hate him in the end either way, so he might as well have fun with it. 

The thing about dating Marcus was that it was… fine. It was kind of nice not having to worry about Marcus’s mother popping up out of nowhere and telling him to stay away from her son, and it wasn’t like he had a bad time when they hung out together. But he’d be lying to the entire world and especially himself if he said that dating Marcus was exciting. He’d tried as hard as he could for long enough to convince himself it was exciting, but it just wasn’t. There were no butterflies whenever his name lit up his phone. He never got breathless from wanting to kiss Marcus within an inch of his life.

Simon felt bad about it. Of course he did. He knew that Marcus was in far deeper than he was or ever could be. It was something Marcus pulled out during nearly every conversation they had. Simon had bitterly thought to himself on more than one occasion that Marcus was a bit of a master at making him feel guilty for things he didn’t really have any control over. 

He so desperately wanted to be all in with Marcus. He even more desperately wanted to be over Wille. He wanted that so badly it kept him up most nights. But the truth was that every time he kissed Marcus, his mind would drift to thoughts of Wille does this better, Wille’s lips are softer, Wille’s hands are gentler.

Which all brought him to the current issue at hand– needing to break things off with Marcus. The fact that this all came to a head because of the realization that he was unknowingly spelling the guy’s name wrong for so long was honestly pretty comical. It felt so typical of Simon’s witless existence, and really opened his eyes to the fact that he and Marcus really were doomed from the start. He cared so little about him that he couldn’t even figure out the correct way to spell his name when it was right there every time they’d send each other things on Instagram. There was clearly no way Simon could have ever fallen in love with him. 

So here he was on a Friday evening: calling his alleged boyfriend by the wrong name while asking him to hang out. 

hey marco are you doing anything tonight?

Simon squeezed his eyes shut before pressing send, and immediately tossed his phone onto his bed and flopped backwards. 

His phone buzzed with a reply almost instantly. 

I am now! 🙂 

Simon grimaced. Marcus’s texting habits were yet another item on the list of off-putting things about him. 

He waited a moment for the next text message he knew wasn’t coming. Point, Ayub.    

The issue with Rosh’s little game was that it would draw out the break up for far too long. Instead of just getting it over and done with, he’d have to keep enthusiastically texting and spending time with Marcus while embarrassing himself. He was reluctantly committing psychological warfare against himself, too. The things he did for his friends at the expense of his own sanity.  

Simon shifted his weight from one foot to the other, hands shoved deep in his jacket pockets, outside Marcus’s door. The door opened a moment later, revealing Marcus grinning widely. Simon returned the smile with a soft one of his own, and he instantly felt a pit form in his stomach. This was so wrong. This went against everything he stood for morally and ethically. He was halfway tempted to call the whole thing off then and there and just do what he wanted to do, but there was a tiny part of him deep down that paused. He kind of wanted to make Marcus feel at least a little bit as bad as he’d made Simon feel on numerous occasions. So instead of taking pity on Marcus, he smiled brighter and threw his arms around him. 

He let his chin rest on Marcus’s shoulder for a few seconds, before pulling away slightly and meeting his eyes. 

“Hi.” 

“Hi,” Marcus replied. It looked like he was going to go in for a kiss, so Simon did what was only logical. He pushed away from Marcus with a soft grunt. 

“Sorry,” Simon said quickly, seeing the incredulous look on Marcus’s face. He cleared his throat. “I uh, thought I was gonna sneeze.” He sniffled a little to really drive the point home. 

He sidestepped Marcus, walking into his apartment. That was the thing about being with Marcus: they had a place where they could be completely alone together. Simon didn’t feel like he had to check over his shoulder every ten seconds, afraid of someone catching them or watching them (or filming them). But it was too safe. It was so safe he never even reflexively reached for Marcus’s hand during scary movies. 

Simon settled himself on the couch where he so stupidly threw himself at Marcus one of their very first times hanging out. If only he knew then what he knew now, he would have kept his hands to himself and saved a few months of agony. 

Marcus was in the kitchen, puttering around and making popcorn while Simon was supposed to be picking a movie for them to watch. He picked up the remote and started scrolling through Netflix, wondering what kind of movie one was supposed to suggest watching with the person they had no intention of staying with. 

He decided to just close his eyes and choose something. However, he immediately regretted that when he opened his eyes. 

He had clicked on Titanic. Fuck. That was unmistakably the exact opposite of the kind of movie to watch with someone you saw absolutely zero future with. 

He was about to click the back button and pretend it never happened, when suddenly Marcus was standing right next to him.

“Ooh, good choice!” he said in between shoving mouthfuls of popcorn in his mouth. Most of it ended up falling to the floor and Marcus didn’t even acknowledge the mess he was making. Simon fought the urge to bend down and pick up the pieces. He wasn’t supposed to be helping Marcus, he was supposed to be driving him to a slow descent into madness. 

He flopped down next to Simon, and threw his arm around his shoulders, pulling him close. “I’ll deny it if you tell anyone, but this is actually one of my favourite movies. I cry like a baby every time I watch it. It’s just so beautiful.”  

Simon rolled his eyes. It was going to be an excruciatingly long three hours. 

By the time the movie finally came to an end, the left shoulder of Simon’s sweater was sufficiently soaked because of Marcus noisily sobbing into it for the better part of the evening, and Simon’s muscles ached from sitting so tensely and not changing positions once. Rosh owed him big time for psychological damages. 

“Well, that was fun!” he exclaimed faux-cheerily. “Too bad we chose such a long movie. It’s probably time for me to go now.” 

He made to get up, but Marcus grabbed his arm. 

“Wait, can’t you stay a little bit longer? I’ll drive you home.” He leaned in towards Simon, sliding his hand up and around the back of his neck. “I feel like we’ve barely spoken since you got here.” 

Simon couldn’t stop the small giggle that escaped his mouth. 

“I don’t think kissing counts as talking.” 

Marcus chuckled softly, a smile on his face as he closed the distance between them. 

Simon’s brain allowed him to enjoy the kiss for all of three seconds before the usual stream of thoughts trickled their way to the forefront of his mind. He squeezed his eyes closed tightly, willing himself to hold out for just a few seconds longer. If only his brain could shut up, this would be fine. 

 “Sorry,” he said, finally pulling away, “It’s just that Sara is spending the weekend at home, and I know my mom will be mad if I’m not there to make the most of us actually being all together for once.” 

Marcus frowned. “So then why did you come over to begin with?” 

Oops.

“Oh, well,” Simon stood up and went over to the door, busying himself with putting his shoes on. “I uh… I wanted to see you. Of course.” 

Marcus was watching him from the couch, an amused expression on his face. 

“You’re obsessed with me.” 

Oh god. 

“Yup! Guilty as charged!” Simon hurriedly shoved his arms into his jacket. “Well, see ya!”

With that, he was out the door, hearing Marcus’s startled voice calling after him. He just kept on his way and not looking back, speed walking to the bus stop.  

After recounting his tale of misery to his friends (who cackled with glee at Simon’s expense), they decided they’d give their little lark the week, and if nothing interesting had happened by then Simon could stomp on Marcus’s fragile heart and ego to his own heart’s content. After having listened to Marcus’s wailing to ‘My Heart Will Go On’ the other night, he was quite looking forward to it. 

Late Monday afternoon, he decided it was time to raise the stakes and try out a more creative name. He hastily sent off a text to Marcus in his rush to choir practice, asking him for a ride home after. He knew Marcus would jump at that opportunity to be seen around Hillerska with him. As much as he claimed to be above all the rich people nonsense and politics, he seemed really eager to parade around with Simon at any given chance. Sometimes he felt as though Marcus was more interested in making a point about dating Simon than actually dating him. 

He received a reply a few moments later, and frowned when he looked at the screen. 

Wille

who’s marvin?

also you know i can’t drive

i could escort you to the bus stop though 

Ah hell. This stupid prank was becoming a bigger and bigger nuisance in Simon's life. 

He would never ever admit it to anyone, but he still sometimes drafted texts to Wille when he was especially deep in his feelings. He’d never send them, but sometimes he just had so much he wanted to say to him that he had to get it out one way or another. Perhaps opening and typing it directly into their text thread wasn’t the smartest idea, because even if he always immediately deleted it to make sure nothing accidentally got sent to him… things would still accidentally get sent to him. 

He quickly sent back a short reply to Wille saying that he was in fact not the intended recipient of that message, and tried again a little more carefully. Marcus’s reply was instantaneous. 

Looking forward to it! 🙂

That made one of them. And still no acknowledgement of the fumbling of his name. What the hell was going on inside the guy’s head? 

On second thought, Simon didn’t really want to know.

Choir practice quickly passed by in a blur of harmonies and debate over what song they should sing at the still-months-away-but-rapidly-approaching end of year assembly (their teacher kept glancing at Simon and Simon was hoping that was an indication that he’d be getting another solo), and then he was heading out to meet Marcus at the shooting range where he was just finishing up with a few students. 

One of those students, as fate would have it, was Wille. Of course. Simon saw his eyes widen as he approached, and the sight of Wille holding a gun was rather frightening. This stupid fucking rich kid school thinking it was perfectly acceptable to give guns to sixteen year olds and encourage hobbies in trophy hunting. 

He smiled shyly at Wille, holding his hands up. “Hey, I told you that text was an accident,” he said jokingly. He couldn’t help but notice the way Marcus narrowed his eyes at that, and Simon remembered that he was actually there to see Marcus, not Wille. 

“Hi,” he mumbled quietly to him, stepping closer. Marcus smiled warmly at him, and Simon thought that perhaps it would be better if Wille shot him after all. There was no conceivable universe where standing between the person you’re dating but want to break up with and your ex who you sort of maybe possibly want to get back together with was a comfortable time. 

The three of them stood there in an awkward silence, eyes shifting back and forth between one another. Simon wracked his brain to come up with something to say, to get him out of this excruciating stare down, but his mind came up blank. He kind of wanted to reach out and grab Wille by the shoulders and shake him and yell I still love you, stupid! but he knew that would certainly only make matters worse. So instead he mustered up the brightest smile he could, though it pained him to do so, and turned to Marcus. 

“Well, should we go?” 

Marcus grinned, sliding his arm around Simon’s shoulders and glancing very pointedly at Wille. Simon had to stop himself from pulling away when he saw the brief but very noticeable pained expression pass over Wille’s face.

He knew he was hurting Wille. And that in turn was hurting him. But everything was still so raw and messy and he just didn’t know what else to do. Here he was stringing along a guy he kind of hated more and more by the second, because at least he had the upper hand. No one could hurt him if he was hurting them first. 

“Bye, guys. Have a good night.” Wille’s voice pulled Simon out of his spiral of despair, but the politeness in his tone made him want to scream. 

He wished he was staying here with Wille and getting walked to the bus with him, but instead he was leaving with Marvin and was going to have to deal with him butchering all his favourite songs for the next twenty minutes. In a word– paradise! 

Simon waved at Wille halfheartedly, then allowed himself to be dragged away by Marcus. 

Later that evening Simon was sitting at the kitchen table surrounded by his homework, but doing anything but. He was currently pondering what the person who first discovered cow milk was doing with the poor animal. He had just picked up his phone to turn to google for answers, when a text message came in.  

wille

are you cheating on marcus?

Simon frowned. What in the world kind of question was that.

simon 

what?

wille

with marvin 

that doesn’t seem like you 

Simon was unable to stop the giggle that escaped his lips at that. Despite his accurate judgement of character, Wille was certainly not the most astute person in the world. Simon wondered where the line was in their friendship for discussing relationship and romantic-adjacent things like that. It probably wasn’t any of Wille’s business whether Simon was cheating on Marcus or not, but it felt important that Simon clarify that that was in fact not the kind of person he was.  

i’m not cheating on him

He faltered. How was one supposed to explain to their ex that they’re calling the person they’re dating the wrong name on purpose in hopes of breaking up with him. And then maybe getting back together with said ex.

i’m calling marcus the wrong name on purpose

to annoy him

There was no reason for Simon to be offering this information to Wille. And yet here he was. Offering it. 

if i annoy him enough maybe he’ll leave me alone

His heart thumped in his chest like a box of pots and pans falling down a very long staircase as he watched the three dots to indicate that Wille was typing. It was unfair and unreasonable to be dumping his relationship issues on Wille like this, but he figured Wille was the one person in the world who disliked Marcus just as much as he did. There was a good chance he disliked the guy even more. 

Wille

oh

do you not like him anymore?

I never did, Simon wanted to reply. I tried but he could never be you.

Instead he sent back a simple i don’t know, and flung his phone across the room. In this case ‘across the room’ meant placing it face down on the table beside him.

Just as he was getting into his history assignment (for real this time), there was a sharp knock on the door. His mother was out at her book club, so Simon was preparing himself to hide under the kitchen table until whoever was at the door went away, but a quick glance out the window told him he’d be better off crawling across the floor and hopping out a back window and running as far as his legs could carry him. 

Instead of doing that, he went and answered the door. 

“Hi!” said the unwelcome visitor, nauseating ever present grin plastered across his face.

“Hey…you,” Simon replied, reaching out and punching him lightly on the arm, the picture of grace and charm. 

Marcus peered past him, as if he were waiting for Simon to invite him in, but Simon stood his ground gazing up at him and waiting for Marcus to announce the reason for his visit. 

When it became clear to Marcus that this was the best he was going to get, he reached into his pocket and pulled out what looked like a crumpled receipt. He held his hand out, offering it to Simon. Simon took it from him and opened it. It was, in fact, a crumpled receipt. Garbage. What a thoughtful gift.

“Thank you?”

“It was in my car. I think it’s yours,” Marcus explained, as if a month-old receipt for a bag of chips and a birthday card he forgot to give to Ayub was some sort of sentimental, precious item. 

“Cool… Thanks.” Simon just stood there, staring at his hand. He wondered how rude it would be to step past Marcus and toss it into the garbage bin. 

“Well, that’s all. I guess I’d better go now.” Marcus didn’t move. He was very clearly waiting for Simon to make some sort of move, but he wasn’t biting.

He raised his eyebrows at Marcus, and instead of taking it as the indication to hit the road that it was, he seemed to think it was an offer. So he stepped forward and planted a kiss on Simon’s mouth with such force it almost knocked Simon off his feet– and not in a swoon worthy way.

Simon caught himself at the last moment by throwing his arms around Marcus’s neck and leaning into the kiss. He felt Marcus smile against his lips, and had to stop himself from bursting out laughing at that. The guy was going to be so completely crushed when Simon finally broke up with him (five days and counting).  

To make matters worse, the sound of a car door shutting announced that they were no longer alone. Simon’s mother calling out to the two of them was enough to make Simon leap out of his skin and quickly pull away from Marcus. He cleared his throat, wiping the back of his hand over his mouth, a knowing smile on his mom’s face as she approached. 

This was very very very very terrible.

“Hi, Linda!” Marcus happily exclaimed, waving. She greeted him, and quickly got to chatting about what he’d been up to and how his mother was doing, and Simon briefly considered what would happen if he went running down the street screaming about a strange man trying to murder his mom. It couldn’t hurt to try…

“Your son would be so lost without me,” he heard Marcus say, looking at Simon with a disgusting amount of adoration in his eyes. “Good thing it fell out in my car and not somewhere in the street. He’d never find it!”

Linda beamed at her son. “You guys are adorable.” 

Simon thought he was going to be sick.

She excused herself and stepped around Simon, going into the house and leaving the two of them alone again. It was quiet for an agonizing few seconds, and as Marcus opened his mouth to speak, Simon quickly cut him off.  

“Well, since my mom is home now I’d better go. It’s almost time for my bedtime snack.” He hesitated for a second, then tacked on a quick “see you later, Moses,” and closed the door in Marcus’s face, leaving him dumbfounded while Simon went and chucked the receipt at the kitchen garbage can. 

There was a movie night happening at Forest Ridge on Friday night. Somehow, Marcus found out about it. It was probably some random first year girl who invited him, thinking she had a chance. He texted Simon repeatedly about it, even after Simon insisted that he wouldn’t be going to it. He wasn’t a boarder, he wasn’t invited (not even Sara had invited him), so why would he go? Contrary to what Marcus seemed to believe, he didn’t have the power to invite people to things. 

Thursday afternoon however, Simon changed his mind. 

They were doing quiet individual work in class, Wille seated next to him. He had been sitting next to Wille all term and was somehow still alive. Miraculous, really. 

Simon was deep in thought over his math problems, when a sharp jab to his side startled him. He looked over and Wille was watching him intently, brown eyes warm and inviting in a way that Marcus’s never could be. He raised his eyebrows questioningly at Wille, who had a whisper of a smile on his face. 

“Are you coming to the movie tomorrow night?” he whispered.

Simon frowned. “I wasn’t planning on it, why?”

“Oh.” Wille’s face fell. “I was going to ask if you wanted to sit next to me.” 

Simon would be lying if he said that his heart didn’t squeeze at that. His mind flooded with memories of that first movie night last term– memories that had once been so sweet, had given him butterflies as he replayed the moment in his head over and over again for weeks as he fell asleep, now laced with a painful bitterness. He so badly wished they could go back there again. But they couldn’t. There were too many forces plotting against them. But Simon would be damned if he didn’t try. 

“Well I would,” Simon smiled shyly at Wille, “but I wasn’t invited.” 

“Oh,” Wille said once again, this time with an expression of confusion, his eyebrows knitted. “Well, I’m inviting you now.” 

“Cool.”

“Cool. Just don’t bring Marvin.” 

Simon was unable to stop himself from groaning loudly at that. He would never live that one down (but if it made Wille laugh, maybe that was okay).

At that moment their teacher yelled at them, telling them they could make as much noise as they wanted after class ended, and Simon could have sworn he heard titters from the rest of the class, some classmates even turning to look at them. He had half a mind to ask them what they were looking at, but instead he blushed and put his head down, getting back to work. 

His and Wille’s elbows occasionally brushed against each other, an electric current passing through Simon’s entire body from his toes to the tips of his ears every time. He smiled at his paper, thoughts of Marcus long forgotten. 

It had been easy enough to convince his mom to drop him off at school the next evening–he just told her he was going to hang out with Sara. She had been so pleased to hear that he almost felt bad for lying to her. But it technically wasn’t a lie. Sara just had no idea he’d be there. 

Walking into the dimly lit Forest Ridge common room, it dawned on Simon that this was most probably a very terrible idea. Neither Wille nor the girls he was sort of friends with through Sara were in sight, and he sure as hell didn’t want to be in a room full of people who hated him as much as he hated them without some company. One of his most favourite people in the world aside from August, Vincent, immediately detected Simon’s appearance and called him over. Simon narrowed his eyes, flipping him off and turning around to go back out into the hall. 

He found himself walking in the direction of Wille’s room and almost stopped himself. Was that the kind of thing he could do? Just show up at his door unannounced? They never really figured out the terms of their friendship. But his feet kept moving as he was being ridiculous and overthinking it because Wille had told him to his face that he wanted him here tonight and that meant something. 

As he rounded the corner and came to a stop in front of Wille’s door, raising his hand to knock, he heard voices coming from inside. More notably, a girl’s voice and laughter. His hand quickly fell back to his side as the door opened, revealing Felice with Wille close behind her. 

“Simon! Hi!” She greeted him brightly. 

There was a playful energy between the two of them that made Simon uneasy. He knew they were just friends despite the gossip Henry had circulated, and it really wasn’t his business if there was anything going on between them, and Felice was so nice and a great friend, but it would always sting when he thought about the difference in reactions to him and Wille being together versus Wille and Felice. If a video had gone around of the two of them, the queen probably would have been overjoyed and announced their engagement on the spot. If a video of himself and Marcus went around - Simon shuddered at the thought of ever being that intimate with him -  no one would care. There would be no headlines in eight different languages. That was a good thing, but it just wasn’t enough. 

“Wille told me he invited you,” she continued, pulling Simon into a hug which he happily returned, “I’m so glad you came! You really should hang out with us more.” 

“Oh. Yeah, maybe. If Sara will let me.” He was a little bitter about the way Sara seemed to have all but forgotten her family existed in favour of her shiny new friends, but the girls were nice enough, and he was just glad Sara finally had a place she belonged. 

Wille greeted Simon shyly, bumping his shoulder against Simon’s, and then the three of them headed to the movie, Felice leading the way and very noticeably multiple steps ahead of him and Wille. 

Taking his seat next to Wille, it kind of felt like he couldn’t breathe. They had been in this exact position just months before, right before both his and Wille’s worlds got completely turned upside down. It almost made him want to laugh. Things had changed so much but yet here they were, sitting next to each other despite everything. Maybe things would be okay after all.  

Simon stole a quick glance at Wille and found that he was already looking back at him. They shared shy smiles before Simon averted his gaze, focusing on his hands in his lap. Was Wille thinking about the same thing? Was he remembering how they timidly held hands under the safety of darkness? How that kiss they shared completely changed the trajectory of their lives? Judging by the way Wille was nervously fidgeting in his seat, Simon had a feeling maybe he was. 

Simon could honestly say he didn’t have a single clue what the title of the movie they were watching was, much less what was happening in it. He was too aware of Wille’s every minuscule movement beside him. He was almost certain he could hear the thrumming of his heart in his chest beneath the sound of on screen explosions. This somehow was even worse than the first time, and Simon had been feeling intensely frail and gay then, wondering what it would be like to kiss Wille. But now he knew what it was like to kiss Wille and he couldn’t. 

Because the universe was as cruel as it was vast (or perhaps it was taking pity on Simon in some twisted way), at the moment he decided to try to subtly knock his knee into Wille’s, his phone started blowing up, buzzing uncontrollably.

“What the fuck?” he muttered under his breath, sliding it out of his pocket and promptly blinding himself from the brightness of the screen. Someone shouted at him from the back of the room, which caused someone else to yell at that person to be quiet, and Simon quickly got to his feet and beelined out the door before the whole room erupted into a screaming match because of him and whoever wouldn’t leave him alone. 

It was Marcus. Because of course it was. He had about ten texts from him, all some variation of what the fuck why did you lie to me so you could hang out with him?  

Simon stared down at the screen, bewildered. He reached up and scratched his head as if he were a deeply confused cartoon character. Which maybe he was. All the events of the past year would make a lot more sense if that were the case. 

But alas, he was most definitely human, and an eleventh message came through that cleared up some of the confusion. It was an image— a screenshot from Stella’s instagram story of everyone smiling in the common room. Simon hadn’t even noticed she had taken the picture but there he was, seated next to Wille with their thighs pressed together. He so didn’t want to have to deal with this at the current moment, but tomorrow he could end things with Marcus once and for all, so he took a breath and typed out a response. 

calm down maxwell am i not allowed to be friends with wille

sorry i didn’t ask your permission first

He closed his eyes and let his head fall back against the wall with a dull thud, and willed an alien spaceship to come abduct him. What the hell was Marcus’s problem? And why was he checking up on the instagram accounts of first year girls? He knew Marcus followed very few Hillerska students because on more than one occasion he stressed how little he cared about the rich kids, to which Simon always replied cool I didn’t ask, so he couldn’t help but wonder if Marcus was keeping tabs on him through his classmates. His stomach turned at the thought. Tomorrow couldn’t come soon enough. 

But you said you weren’t going to the movie night. You lied to me about hanging out with him. How is that supposed to make me feel? 

Simon didn’t really care how that made Marcus feel. That was his problem. 

He started to reply saying as much, when a soft knocking sound pulled him back to the present moment. He looked up from his phone and was met with Wille standing a few steps away, looking as adorably doe eyed and concerned as ever. 

“Are you okay?” 

The familiarity of the situation almost made him want to laugh. 

“Ah,” Simon hesitated. He kind of wanted to just brush it off and ignore the texts, but he knew there was absolutely no use in lying to Wille and besides, if there was anyone who would get it, it was him. “I’m kind of annoyed right now, but I’ll be fine.”

Wille moved closer and leaned against the wall beside Simon. He was quiet, not saying anything and giving Simon the space to decide if he wanted to elaborate or not. 

“Marcus is mad that I’m here. With you.” 

“Oh.” Wille frowned. “So the other day when- I’m not trying to pry here, but you said you wanted him to leave you alone. Sorry if I’m totally overstepping, but maybe you should break up with him?”

Simon actually laughed out loud at that.

“Yeah um, I’m actually planning on doing that tomorrow,” he said bitterly. “I made a stupid bet with Rosh and Ayub and now here we are. If only they had let me break up with him when I wanted, I wouldn’t have him checking up on me as if he doesn’t trust me. Did you know I was spelling his name wrong for months and he never said anything? What kind of person doesn’t care that the person they’re dating isn’t spelling their name properly but gets mad when they have a single other friend?” 

Wille stared at Simon, mouth hanging open in disbelief. “Wow, that’s…” he suppressed a noise that sounded suspiciously like a laugh, “That’s such loser behaviour.”

It really, really was. He couldn’t believe there was a moment in time he honestly thought there could have been something between them. He had the charm and personality of a tumbleweed in a rainstorm.

“Yeah, so they suggested I start calling him different names to see what happens. It’s been a week and he hasn’t said anything.” Simon slid down the wall until he was sitting, elbows resting on his knees. 

“And I thought I had no backbone,” Wille muttered quietly, joining Simon on the floor. Simon bumped him with his elbow.

“You did what you had to do.” 

“I wish I knew how to stand up for myself,” Wille said, voice just barely above a whisper, and Simon could have sworn he felt his heart break a little bit. He sounded so small and scared. Simon wanted to reach out and hold him. The odds were so completely stacked against him. It wasn’t fair that he had to carry everything alone.

“Hey, remember the last time we were here like this?” Simon spoke after a moment, trying to lighten the mood. 

“Yeah, when we held hands and I panicked and then for some reason you decided to kiss me while I just stared at you like a goldfish,” Wille huffed. 

“Hey, don’t say that!” Simon argued. “My fish are much smarter than you.” 

Wille smiled, albeit weakly, but it was a smile nonetheless. “How are they?” 

“I think they miss you.”

Wille turned his head to look at Simon, and it felt like his eyes were staring directly into Simon’s soul. It was vulnerable and intimate in the low lighting, but not entirely uncomfortable. In fact, Simon thought he could sit there looking at Wille like that for the rest of night.

It felt like all the air had been sucked out of the hallway, maintaining eye contact the only way they could keep breathing. Simon felt the unmistakable urge to lean in so their mouths were only mere millimetres apart, and he just might have, if Wille didn’t break the silence first.  

“I’m so sorry, Simon.” Simon could see the tears welling up in Wille’s eyes and he had to squeeze his shut for a moment to avoid the same happening to him. “I’m so sorry for pulling you into my world and ruining your life.”

Simon’s hand was on Wille’s knee before he could even register that he was moving. 

“I went willingly, Wille. It’s okay.” He did think to himself about five times a day that his life was ruined beyond repair, but he’d never ever blame Wille for that. He’d blame every single other person on earth before he’d blame Wille. “You didn’t do anything wrong. You had to protect yourself. I get it.” 

Wille let out a long sigh, letting his head fall onto Simon’s shoulder. Simon moved his hand from Wille’s knee, wrapping it around Wille and resting his head against Wille’s. 

“I’ll make it up to you one day, I promise.” Simon just gave him a tight squeeze in response, the lump forming in his throat making it impossible to speak. 

It completely wrecked Simon to hear how much Wille was beating himself up over how everything went down between them. Of course he had hurt Simon denying his part in the video. It hurt in a way he hoped to never have to endure again. Maybe at one point he had wanted to hurt Wille in the same way, but actually seeing how he was hurting Wille was a different story entirely. Wille had been hurting pretty much every single day of his life. He couldn’t live with himself knowing he was contributing to that.

The space had been good. It gave Simon the much needed room to process everything. It gave him the chance to see a life beyond Wille. But above all, it made him realize that he didn’t want a life beyond Wille. Sitting wrapped up in each other in a dark, empty hallway, he knew with almost one hundred percent certainty there was no point to a life without Wille in it. He could deal with the rest of life’s big questions being left unanswered because at least he knew the answer to this one.

“Wille,” he said quietly, hoping he didn’t sound as breathless as he suddenly felt, “I’m breaking up with Marcus tomorrow.”

Wille lifted his head abruptly, as if he just realized where he was. He cleared his throat and shifted over slightly, although he made no move to get out of Simon’s embrace. 

“Oh. God, sorry,” he stammered, “this so isn’t the time for this.”

Simon blushed, smiling fondly at him. Wille was so utterly clueless it made his stomach swoop.

“No, Wille. I’m breaking up with him. Tomorrow.”

Wille frowned. “Okay? If I’m being honest, I’m kind of glad to hear that.”

He was so stupid. So, so stupid. It was everything. 

“Wille!” He reached out to hold his face, his hands resting softly against Wille’s cheeks. He kind of wanted to shake him. “I don’t want to be with him. I never wanted to be with him. I want to be with you.” 

“Oh,” he replied, very eloquently. Simon could feel Wille’s cheeks heat up beneath his hands. “Cool.” 

“Cool?” Simon snorted, dropping his hands. “I’m basically throwing myself at you here and all you have to say is ‘ cool’? 

“Listen, I’ve been dreaming of hearing you say those words for weeks. Sorry if it’s taking my brain a second to catch up.” He smiled at Simon, the kind of smile that spread across his entire face and made warmth bloom in Simon’s chest, knowing it was him that put it there.

“Take all the time you need.” 

It appeared he didn’t need that much time at all, as he reached out and took Simon’s hand in his, entwining their fingers together. Wille looked up at Simon, eyes shining, and as if the earth’s gravitational pull worked solely for them, they both leaned in. 

Kissing Wille felt like coming home. It was where he was always meant to be, and everything else in the world faded into irrelevance. Things would be okay as long as Wille’s mouth would continue finding his. 

Wille kissed him softly, like Simon was something delicate and precious, and it made his heart flutter. He reached up with his hand that wasn’t currently tangled with Wille’s, sliding it to the back of Wille’s neck and pressing his fingers into his hair.

“Just so we’re clear,” Wille whispered, pulling away ever so slightly, and Simon was unable to stop himself from making a sound of disappointment, “I don’t condone cheating.” 

“Oh my god, shut up,” Simon groaned, and pulled Wille back in.

It was impossible to say how long they sat there, kissing each other slowly and deeply. There was no rush—they had all the time in the world and absolutely nowhere else to be.

“Wille,” Simon whispered somewhere between two minutes and two hours later, “I think the movie is over.” The distinct sounds of movie magic had been replaced by the buzz of conversation, as their classmates bid each other goodnight and would soon be pouring out into the hallway. 

Wille frowned. “So? Let them see!”

Simon’s heart swelled. It was a small comment, but so not the same Wille he kissed last term. 

“As much as I love this newfound confidence, I’m still technically dating someone else. I don’t think we need to be getting ourselves back on the gossip list just yet.” 

Wille nodded, taking Simon’s hands and pulling them into his lap. “Good point. This can be just ours for now.” 

Ours. Simon liked that word.

“Works for me.”

“Cool,” Wille said with a smile, holding a fist out for what Simon assumed was a fistbump. He rolled his eyes but met Wille’s knuckles with his own. 

“Sounds like a plan, bro.” 

“ Bro?”

“What? You’re the one that wanted to fistbump after kissing me!”

“I wanted to acknowledge our achievement!” Wille leaned in to kiss Simon again, but Simon ducked out of the way. Wille pouted at him. “You’re no fun.” 

“And you’re ridiculous.” 

Simon got to his feet, offering a hand to Wille and pulling him up. People started filing out of the common room then, and Wille quickly squeezed Simon’s hand before dropping it. As Felice came through the door, arm linked with Sara’s, she glanced over in their direction and smirked as if she knew what had just happened. Simon looked over at Wille, whose splotchy pink cheeks and gaze fixed on the floor told him all he needed to know. Simon smiled, waving at the girls, then pulled out his phone to text his mother to come pick him up. There were a few more messages from Marcus, which he swiped clear from his notification screen without reading.        

Simon accompanied Wille back to his room, the two of them stealing glances at each other every time the backs of their hands made contact. Simon felt like he was walking on air, the dark cloud that had been hanging over his head the past little while was now gone, the sunshine Wille brought with him clearing it away. 

They reached Wille’s door and Wille hesitated, a soft blush creeping over his cheeks. 

“I’d uh, invite you in, but I guess you need to go wait for your mom…” he trailed off, before giving Simon a smile. “And you know, the whole dating-someone-else thing.”

“Please don’t remind me,” Simon grumbled. He wondered if 8 am was too early to call someone on a Saturday morning to dump them.

The two of them stood there quietly looking at each other, neither of them wanting the night to end, but knowing that it had to.

Finally, Simon took a small step toward Wille, going up on his toes and throwing his arms around Wille in a hug. Wille’s arms slid around Simon, squeezing him tight, almost as if he was scared of losing him again. But there was no need. Simon wasn’t going anywhere.  

“Goodnight, Simon,” Wille whispered into Simon’s curls, his breath tickling Simon’s ear. 

“Goodnight, Wille.”

Simon had trouble sleeping that night, but this time it was different. This time it was giddiness, replaying the evening over and over again in his mind like his favourite movie, not lamenting everything that had happened over the last few months. 

The excitement, however, wasn’t strong enough to fight the pit of dread in his stomach when he woke up the next morning. 

Ayub

good morning sunshine!

big day today 

the day i become 100 kr richer 

Rosh

there’s still time

i’m not giving up on ol madagascar just yet

Ayub

speaking of madagascar 

last night i dreamed that i went to a rave with king julian 

Rosh

there are not enough words on earth to describe how much i wish that could be a reality

Simon

…

i kissed wille last night 

Rosh

WHAT

Ayub

WHAT

“Simon Samantha Eriksson you sly dog!” Rosh screeched into the phone the moment Simon picked up her call. “You promiscuous little harlot! Proud of you.”

“Samantha?”

“I don’t know your middle name. I was trying something.”

“I think it suits him,” Ayub chimed in unhelpfully. “I like the alliteration.” 

“Enough about my poetry. What happened last night?”

Simon launched into his tale of the night before sparing no detail, save for the gay panic of sitting next to Wille during the movie. He didn’t need to be relentlessly teased for that. 

“Ew, Marcus is so, so gross. He’d better hope I don’t see his sorry ass at school on Monday,” Rosh said bitterly, and Simon knew there was a very high likelihood that she could successfully kick Marcus’s ass.

They ended the call a little while later, after Rosh and Ayub agreed to double their bet to include whether or not Simon would make Marcus cry. His friends’ commitment to taking money from each other every chance they got was inspiring, really. 

Simon nervously paced around the house a few times, trying to hype himself up for his impending doom, until his mom told him he should at least be holding the vacuum. Normally he’d complain, but he happily agreed to do some cleaning, looking to put off talking to Marcus in any way he could. 

With the toilet scrubbed and the laundry folded, and Linda being very thankful and a little concerned about her son’s sudden willingness to be helpful, Simon decided he could delay the inevitable no longer. 

hey do you want to come over?

Simon figured having Marcus come to his house was his best option. If Marcus decided to cause a scene, his mom would be able to protect him. 

Marcus

Sure! On my way! 🙂

Simon couldn’t help but laugh at Marcus’s enthusiasm. The guy’s delusionality was fascinating, and would soon leave him crushed. Simon was counting down the seconds. 

When Marcus arrived at Simon’s house, Simon went outside to meet him and Marcus immediately pulled him into a hug. 

“Oh, hi uh, M…illie.” Simon cringed against Marcus’s chest. That was not one of his finest ideas, and Marcus didn’t seem to think so either, as Simon noted he tensed slightly, but gave no other indication that he was perturbed by being called a name that was suspiciously close to the name of the guy he was so afraid of. 

“I’m so sorry about last night,” Marcus said, pulling away and looking Simon in the eye. Simon had to force himself to maintain the eye contact. “I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“Listen, I-”

“I think I’ll always be a little bit insecure about your friendship with Wille,” Marcus plowed on, not giving Simon any room to speak. This conversation was going to get very uncomfortable if Simon couldn’t get a word in. “But I understand that people can be friends with their exes. Although, if I’m being completely honest, I don’t really get why you’d want to be friends with him, but I guess that’s my own problem. I’m sorry that-”

“Marcus-”

“I don’t trust you as much as I should. I think that’s because of the people you go to school with. But just because they all suck doesn’t mean you do. You’re so much better than-”

“ Milhelm!” The word was out of his mouth before he even knew what was happening. Marcus paused, his face going from sadness to a confused frown to confused anger in a matter of seconds. Simon held his breath, knowing Marcus was finally about to let loose.

“Did you just call me Milhelm?” Marcus squinted at him. “I’m standing here talking about being uncomfortable with your relationship with your ex and you think this is some sort of joke? And why have you been calling me all those weird names all week? My name is Marcus, because apparently you need reminding.” 

“Why did it take you an entire week to say that?” Simon asked, exasperated, yet grateful to finally be having a real conversation with him. “Did you ever even notice that I was spelling your name wrong?”

“Of course I did! I just didn’t want to embarrass you by pointing it out.” Little did he know, in order to be embarrassed, Simon had to actually care about what Marcus thought about him. 

“Maybe I’m just different, but when I’m dating someone I appreciate them spelling my name properly.”

“Why are we arguing about this? I was just trying to apologize for yesterday.” Marcus reached out to take Simon’s hand, but Simon moved his out of the way.

“We need to break up,” Simon said quietly, eyes glued to the ground and heart thumping in his chest. 

“What?” Marcus looked completely perplexed. “Because of the name thing? That’s crazy.”

“No, Marcus,” Simon sighed. How was this man so clueless? “Because you’re kind of a terrible boyfriend. You don’t listen to me, you’re so high and mighty about yourself while also being so alarmingly insecure to the point of being controlling, and I don’t think you actually care about me. You kind of just decided we were dating without actually asking me, and then you made a big point of it as if I was some sort of prize.” 

“But you are a prize, Simon.” 

Simon felt his hands clench at his sides, a sudden burst of fury roaring in his ears. 

“Do you hear yourself right now? This is exactly what I’m talking about! You suck as a boyfriend, you suck as a person, and I’m breaking up with you.”

“I don’t understand how this is my fault!” Marcus’s voice wavered, the telltale sign that tears were on the horizon. It was absolutely pathetic, but a small part of Simon felt a little pleased that he actually managed to make Marcus cry. “You’re no better than everyone else at that school, you know that? You never gave me the time of day because I don’t have some big shiny vacation home. I tried so hard for you but never gave me anything in return. You’re not the victim here.” 

Simon was going to lose it. He was by no means a violent person, but he was kind of tempted to go looking for the biggest rock he could find and throw it through the windshield of Marcus’s car. Either that or check out what the shooting range had to offer. 

“Did you forget that the entire world saw a video of me having sex not even six months ago? And the perpetrator isn’t being punished and just freely wandering around? Do you know what that does to a person? It’s fucked. Fine, maybe I could have been nicer to you, but did it ever occur to you to ask me how I was feeling about all of that? No, it didn’t. Because you didn’t care.” Simon took a shaky breath, relieved as hell to finally get all of this off his chest. “I tried to fall for you. I really, really did. But it just didn’t happen. Because this,” he gestured between himself and Marcus, “was never going to work.” 

The tears were now rolling down Marcus’s face and he sniffled, reaching up to wipe them away. Simon almost felt bad for him. Almost.  

“Are you leaving him for me?” Marcus asked quietly.

“Does that really matter?”

“Have fun playing princess with him, Simon. One day you’re gonna realize what you just lost.” 

“I honestly don’t think I’m losing anything, Marcus, that’s kind of the whole point.” Was this really not sticking in the guy’s head? Maybe all that time he no doubt spent complimenting his reflection in the mirror was starting to melt his brain. “Goodbye, Michelangelo.” 

Simon turned and walked back into his house, closing the door on Marcus yelling at him and calling him crazy. 

Thank god that chapter of his life was over. 

sorry ayub, you owe rosh 200 kr

Rosh

best day ever!!!!!!

because you dumped markus

not because i’m filthy rich now

Ayub

:( 

Simon managed to make it to his bedroom before his eyes welled up with tears of his own. 

They weren’t exactly tears of sadness–there was no world in which he’d be sad about what he just did, but rather tears of frustration, anger, and exhaustion. So much pent up emotion that it kind of just overflowed. Marcus had drained so much out of him, and he only now realized how unlike himself he’d been feeling the last little while. But with that crushing weight lifted from his shoulders, he finally felt free. 

He was free to be with Wille now, back where he belonged. Whatever lay ahead of them they’d be ready to face, because they had each other, and that was all that mattered. 

He slid his phone out of his pocket. 

hey wille

you free tonight?

i believe a fist bump is in order

Wille

:)