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“You are now at Shibuya Station!” says a woman’s cheerful voice over the loudspeaker of the train.
Mafuyu stands up, picking up his duffel bag from where it rests by his legs. Shibuya is his stop. It’s only been four months since he was last here, but the feeling he gets whenever he thinks of being back in his childhood town is… strange, he thinks. Not “happy,” even though the thought fills him with warmth, and not “fear” or “dread” either, even though his stomach is doing strange, looping turns inside his body.
He’s tempted to meditate on the subject, but instead, Mafuyu steps off the train and onto the platform, where the three most important people in his life await.
“Hey! Mafuyu! Over here!” calls out the cheerful voice of Mizuki Akiyama. Mafuyu turns towards the voice and sees Mizuki waving their arm in the air. Ena and Kanade are standing next to them, holding a “Welcome Home, Mafuyu!” sign and a bouquet of flowers.
They’d all changed since their high school days. Mizuki, whose hair was now much longer, had stopped wearing their signature side ponytail, instead choosing to keep it down in loose curls that flow down their back. Ena’s hair was also longer, stopping slightly below their shoulders, the ends still slightly curved inwards. Kanade, on the other hand, had cut her hair to her shoulders after her hair started brushing against the floor whenever she sat down.
It’s not as if Mafuyu hadn’t changed too. He still keeps spare ponytail holders in his bag out of habit, in spite of his hair being too short for them to be useful.
He walks over to the three, nodding. “Kanade. Mizuki.”
He deliberately pauses, to give Ena time to scrunch up her nose and glare at Mafuyu. “There’s three of us here, you know!” In spite of the severity of her tone, there’s no heat behind her words.
“I was getting to you, Ena.” There’s no real anger behind Mafuyu’s words either. It had taken years for them to perfect this song and dance, and even then Mafuyu sometimes gets the steps wrong. Thankfully, Ena had learned to forgive whenever he accidentally steps on her toes, just like he had learned to not push her too far. “I’m happy to see you all again.”
In spite of his tone remaining as deadpan as usual, a small smile slips onto his face. He is happy. It had taken years to get to this point—the point where he could recognize this emotion for what it is. But the reflexive smile and the rush of warmth in his chest do not lie. He had missed the other three members of Nightcord at 25:00—no, his best friends— loved ones— soulmates— the water to his aquarium, the snow to his winter, the arrows to his bow, the oxygen in his blood that makes his stone cold heart go thud thud thud in his hollow chest.
No, that’s not right. My heart is not cold. My chest is not hollow. I have feelings and warmth, like any other living being. I just don’t feel like it, sometimes. Or, at least, that’s what the imaginary therapist in Mafuyu’s head is gently reminding him.
“I’m happy to see you too,” says Kanade, smiling gently. The sight impossibly fills Mafuyu with even more warmth, the way her smiles always do.
“Me too,” Mizuki says, grinning. “Even though we hung out in SEKAI yesterday!”
“I thought we agreed that spending time in SEKAI didn’t count as hanging out in real life, and that’s why you all insisted on me coming home for winter break.”
“Oi, Mafuyu, don’t be like that!” they tease, grin staying in place. “I said I’m happy to see you, didn’t I?” Their grin weakens slightly. “... You know, you didn’t have to come back to Shibuya just for our sakes, right?”
“I know.” Mafuyu’s voice remains monotone and certain. “I wanted to see you all outside of SEKAI too. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be here.”
You can’t make me do anything I don’t want to do, goes unspoken. Nobody can ever make me do a damn thing that I don’t want to do ever again. Not after everything that’s happened.
Not after I’m finally free from her.
Mizuki still looks uncertain, so Mafuyu adds, “Besides, you all are hopeless at housework without me.”
This causes both Mizuki and Ena to squawk, offended. “Hey, we’re not that bad!” says Ena, aghast.
“When I came home for summer break, I had to spend an entire week cleaning up your studio, Ena.”
“I’m an artist! Art is messy!”
“Yes, which is why we had to spend an extra two days repainting the walls.”
Kanade snorts, then giggles, then starts full-on laughing, her chest heaving in short, cheerful bursts. Mizuki and Ena join in, their voices harmonizing into a song prettier than anything even Kanade could compose.
He’s still not at the point where he can laugh the way that Kanade, Mizuki, and Ena can. But he’s smiling too, and for the moment, that’s good enough.
“Anyways,” says Mizuki. “I’m sure you’re hungry from traveling all day, do you wanna grab something to eat?”
“Yes.”
“Any place you wanna go to in particular?”
Mafuyu thinks about it and finds that, for once, the answer comes easily. “The diner.”
“The diner? That’s nostalgic,” Ena says.
“That sounds good,” Kanade agrees.
“Let’s go!” Mizuki chimes in.
Luckily, the diner isn’t far from the train station. The four of them walk in compatible silence, Mizuki with their arms entwined around Kanade and Ena’s. It’s strange to Mafuyu, to see the physical contact. He’s so used to the coolness of his upbringing, physical affection being altogether alien to him. Except for the stifling hugs from her, whenever she, on a whim, felt like it.
From Mafuyu’s right, Kanade brushes her hand out to rest against Mafuyu’s. Do you want to join us? she seems to be asking.
He takes her hand, her warm palm heating his ice-cold hand. He can’t imagine the sensation is enjoyable, but she keeps a surprisingly firm grip, protecting his frigid fingers from the wintery weather. Kanade must be exercising regularly, Mafuyu thinks, and suddenly, the gentle breeze blowing around them feels warmer than before.
They reach the diner, and Mizuki frees their arms in order to push open the door in front of them. They hold it open. “After you, my fair folk!” they say, their arms curling into a mock bow.
Ena makes a face at Mizuki, who makes a face back, before stepping inside. Kanade and Mafuyu trail behind, his fingers still intertwined between hers, and Mizuki enters behind them.
The diner is just as bright and warm as Mafuyu remembers. It’s smaller than the dining hall at his nursing school, but still filled with the sounds of friendly conversation, food sizzling, and silverware clinking against porcelain plates. The ambiance fills Mafuyu with warmth. Nostalgia? he wonders. I didn’t know I was capable of feeling that.
You’re capable of feeling every emotion, you just need to learn how to recognize them, his therapist had told him.
Mizuki, Kanade, and Mafuyu walk towards where Ena is standing, arms resting on a chair at a table for four. Mizuki takes the chair next to Ena. Kanade slides into the booth, without breaking their connection, and Mafuyu slides in after her. He’s on the seat on the outside, a small detail that he’s grateful Kanade had noticed.
Although Mafuyu wouldn’t describe himself as claustrophobic, he strongly dislikes the feeling of being trapped, no matter what the circumstances may be.
“Do you wanna look at the menu?” Mizuki asks, holding a large laminated page out to Mafuyu.
He’s tempted to shake his head, and fall into the old habit of ordering whatever Kanade does, but his therapist had challenged him to try something new when he returned to his old hometown. Who knows? they had said. You might learn more about yourself!
So instead, Mafuyu nods and takes the menu. It’s just standard diner fare—Hamburg steak, fried rice, pancakes, pasta—but his eyes gravitate towards the ramen in spite of himself.
“There’s a new strawberry pancake special for two that looks cute,” Ena says, looking at Mizuki. “Wanna split?”
“I don’t know…” Mizuki looks hesitant. “I was craving omurice.”
“We can split it,” states Mafuyu. The entire table looks at him, surprised. Even he is surprised at his own words. Normally, he would copy Kanade’s typical order of ramen noodles.
The table is still silent, and he suddenly realizes that he had phrased his query as a statement, rather than a question. He sets out to remedy that. “If you want to share?”
“That sounds good,” says Ena, her voice surprisingly gentle. Mafuyu was expecting teasing, or just a flat-out rejection, but there is nothing but warmth in her eyes, which seeps into Mafuyu’s chest.
“What about you, Kanade?” asks Mizuki.
“I’ll try ordering something different too,” she says, looking over at Mafuyu’s menu. “Maybe the teriyaki udon noodles?”
“So the omurice for me, teriyaki udon noodles for Kanade, and the strawberry pancake special for two for the lovebirds~” Mizuki confirms, their voice taking on a teasing tone at the end. Ena’s face turns red, but she remains silent as she nods with Kanade.
“Can you also order me an oolong tea?” he asks. The pancakes will be sweet, and he wants something warm and bitter on this cold day.
“Yeah, of course!” Mizuki nods, their smile widening. “I totally forgot about ordering drinks, to be honest!”
Kanade looks at Mafuyu’s menu again. “Can you order me a green tea, Mizuki?”
“Alright, so an oolong tea for Mafuyu and a green tea for Kanade. What about you, Ena?”
Ena looks up from the menu. “The hot chocolate is in season, could you order me that?”
“Okay! So an oolong tea, a green tea, and a hot chocolate~”
“What about you, Mizuki?” asks Mafuyu.
The others look at him, startled. If he were any other person, he might resent the surprise at him showing open consideration for others, but he knows how he is, and he doesn’t blame the others for being confused by his new behavior.
“Hm…” they look thoughtfully at the menu. “Maybe I’ll also order a green tea?”
The rest of the table nods. “Alright, I’ll call over a waiter!” says Mizuki, waving out an arm.
They order for everyone. Mafuyu knows that technically he could order for himself, but he still has a bad habit of slipping into his “good girl” persona from time to time, especially with strangers. Although he could just let it happen, he knows the others prefer his true self—cold apathy and all.
That’s not true, though, is it? whispers his inner therapist. You’re still cold, yes, and that’s a part of who you are that may never change. But you’re not apathetic. You care about a lot of things—nursing, archery, music, your seagrass, your friends, your Ena, Mizuki, and Kanade—even if you don’t always show it the way other people do.
It suddenly occurs to him that there’s still the warm pressure of Kanade’s hand in his. He squeezes, and Kanade squeezes back, her fingers interlaced between his.
“So…” Mizuki looks at Mafuyu. “I see that you trimmed your hair again.”
Mafuyu nods. “It’s nicer this way.”
After a lot of self-reflection, Mafuyu had realized that he preferred short hair over long hair, pants over skirts, and, most damningly, male pronouns over female ones. He had ignored it while he still lived with… her , but once he had moved out, his soulmates had accepted his wish to experiment. Had even encouraged it, in ways his mother would have never allowed.
Mizuki in particular was open to his experiments, being the one to carefully trim and style Mafuyu’s hair after he had haphazardly chopped it all off in the bathroom, in a fit of confused despair one night, nearly one year ago. It had taken months for them to open up about how they knew so much about gender transition, but the thought of there being another person just like him, in front of him all along, filled him with bubbling warmth, settling in his stomach like a warm cup of tea.
“I like it,” Mizuki says, and Mafuyu is, once again, reassured that the feeling is mutual.
“Me too,” chimes in Ena. “It makes me want to create another portrait of you. I’ve been improving my technique since I last painted you, I bet it’d totally turn out even better than last time.”
“I’d like that,” Mafuyu says.
“Your hair is so inspiring,” Kanade jokes cheerfully. “I was just thinking of a song I could compose from it.”
“No composing until 25 o’clock,” says Mizuki, their tone light, but with an edge of seriousness. “Healthy work-life balance, am I right?”
Kanade nods. “Don’t worry, Mizuki. I was just thinking about it,” she says. “Besides, I can’t.” She lifts Mafuyu’s hand slightly, enough for Ena and Mizuki to see over the table. “I have other priorities.”
“And you were calling me a lovebird?” Ena asks Mizuki, aghast. “Look at those two! I bet my hot chocolate wouldn’t be nearly as sweet as they are!”
“Mafuyu’s less fun to tease, though,” Mizuki whines, “and I can’t make fun of Kanade, it’d be like kicking a wet kitten.”
“A wet kitten that kicks back,” mutters Kanade. “I have been working out, you know.”
“And me?” Ena makes an expression that Mafuyu guesses is supposed to be puppy dog eyes. He guesses, because Ena looks less cute and more like she has a stomachache.
“That expression makes me wanna tease you even more, you know~,” Mizuki says. “You look constipated.”
Ena makes an offended gasp, but the effect is lost by her clearly holding back laughter. Kanade starts giggling again, her hand gripping even tighter onto Mafuyu’s, and that sets off Mizuki, who starts full-on belly laughing, Their banter completely lost, Ena starts laughing too, her face scrunching up into a smile, and Mafuyu—
Mafuyu giggles.
Once, twice. He doesn’t laugh beyond that, but it’s more than enough. The others pause, and look at him, in startled surprise. Then they resume their laughter, but this time it’s different—this is not just reflexive laughter because something was funny, but a happy bubble, bursting from their chests, emerging into musical melodies that float in the air. Mafuyu’s method of creating music is different from Kanade’s, but he wants to create a song about this microcosm of pure joy that has spontaneously occurred.
Do you ever wish you could go back in time and do things differently? Mafuyu’s therapist had once asked. He wondered about it, deliberated upon the question long after that session had ended. Sometimes he did wish things had happened differently—that he had connected with the others in N25 earlier, that his final conversation with his mother had happened differently, that he had said and done a million interactions differently from how they had actually played out.
But right now, at this moment, he wouldn’t change a single thing. Everything, all of it, even the worst parts, even his darkest moments—without them, he wouldn’t be who he is at this moment. He wouldn’t have the same relationships with his soulmates if he undid anything.
If every single horrible thing he had ever experienced was necessary in order to make this moment happen, he’d experience it all again in a heartbeat.
Well, maybe not. That was a bit of a stretch. The horrible parts were very, very horrible. He thinks back to two years ago, when he had tried to disappear forever, remain in SEKAI until the unraveling of time itself. He never wants to experience that feeling again.
But with Mizuki’s teasing grins, Ena’s musical laughter, Kanade’s hand gently resting in his—he never will. They had found him. They had helped him break free, get the help he needed, become his true self, and love himself for who he is. Nowadays, Mafuyu barely wants to disappear.
Now, eight hundred days after trying and failing to disappear, Mafuyu is okay.