Archive of Our Own ^beta

Ambivalence. 

Ambivalence is the state of having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something or someone.

Juyeon remembers reading that word somewhere in one of the books he immerses himself in, late at night. He likes that word a lot. Not just because it sounds interesting or that it’s a word he’s never heard of, but simply because ambivalence applies to him.

When it comes to learning new words, it’s important to practice using them in a sentence.

Juyeon feels ambivalent about Jaehyun.

But, it’s not in the way where it’s an unrequited love and he’s trying to figure out his feelings for the other man. Juyeon’s way past that stage. He’s past the kicking-around-in-the-blankets-over-newfound-feelings stage. He’s even past the confession stage. To add another one to the list, he’s past the “do you want to be my boyfriend?” stage.

Juyeon could never feel ambivalent about his feelings for Jaehyun. In fact, if he could, he would write several novels about the man. There would be a chapter on each feature of him, from his eyes to his nose, to his lips, to everything else. He would write about all the cute habits Jaehyun has and his most charming personality.

What Juyeon feels ambivalent about, is Jaehyun’s effect on him. The effect that Jaehyun has on Juyeon is like burning one of those trick birthday candles that never actually get blown out. Instead, it’s constantly ignited again and again.

The blush that lights up Juyeon’s face is the natural glow of the candle and the flickering of the light could very simply be Juyeon’s own shaky hands. 

Being embarrassed, flustered, and shy, over his own boyfriend has its perks. It gives him that thrill in his heart, the one that makes it beat so fast he feels like he might just suffocate. It makes him feel warm inside and makes him want to hide deep in Jaehyun’s chest, which he always allows.

But at the same time, it makes Juyeon feel, contradicted, ambivalent, and uncertain. Not because his boundaries are ever pushed, but simply because it’s…

embarrassing.

Juyeon hates, how a simple touch from Jaehyun’s hand on his thigh makes him quiver with excitement. He hates how Jaehyun can simply kiss him and pull away while teasing him about how red he got. He hates just how much Jaehyun can affect him. 

They’ve been dating for over a year for goodness sake!

And that’s when Juyeon decides that just once, once is enough for him, that he will make Jaehyun shy. Jaehyun rarely gets shy and the only times he does is not from Juyeon’s constant romancing but just from the bashfulness of elderly ladies complimenting him at a grocery store. It's one of those rare moments when Juyeon ever gets to witness his boyfriend blush and he treasures it with his whole being.

Just once, Juyeon wants to succeed.

Juyeon turns to Jaehyun who’s laying on the bed resting his eyes from a long day.

“Hyung?”

He smiles when he sees Jaehyun open his eyes slightly, heavy with drowsiness. 

“Hm?” 

Juyeon practically melts at the sound of his voice. It’s so sweet and endearing, he just loves it so much. Another chapter to add to his imaginary novel.

“Did it hurt when you fell from the sky?” Juyeon asks, his voice quiet but hopeful. Could he possibly succeed with this pick-up line he saw somewhere on the internet? Obviously not, but Juyeon hopes so anyway.

Jaehyun laughs, his teeth glinting slightly as he closes his eyes again.

“You’re funny,” His hand reaches out blindly, searching for Juyeon’s waist. When he finds it, he shifts closer until he’s comfortable, wrapping his arm across his body. 

Juyeon stares at him so, so fondly, melting into the familiar hold. 

“Did you get butterflies in your stomach, hyung?”

Jaehyun giggles, his words slightly slurred from exhaustion, “Sorry, but no... Can I sleep now though?”

Juyeon sighs, climbing into bed with him and pulling him into a tight hug, letting Jaehyun fall asleep in front of him. His lips are slightly parted as Juyeon presses a small kiss to them. They’re slightly chapped but soft anyways.

On second thought, maybe Juyeon’s mission starts tomorrow.

i. Hugs

There are multiple benefits to hugging. It can reduce stress, fear, and pain. It can create a feeling of calmness and relaxation. Or, in a more scientific way, hugging releases oxytocin, AKA the “cuddle hormone”. Juyeon was up late at night searching that on Google. It is part of his plan after all.

It’s a simple one, all he has to do is hug Jaehyun. They hug on a daily, but Juyeon plans to do it differently. He plans to hold him tighter, warm him, and caress his hair. This is sure to get Jaehyun blushing. At least he hopes so. 

So he waits for Jaehyun late at night. He wanders around the house, cleaning things up as he waits for him to get home. He did mention that a meeting would keep him at work a bit longer. But, Juyeon doesn’t mind, as long as he gets to see him at the end of the day he will always be satisfied. He loves staring at his boyfriend while he brushes his teeth, even if Jaehyun tells him he’s being creepy. He especially loves drying the other’s curly hair with a towel as his doe-like eyes look up at him. That look always makes him want to crumple to the floor with adoration.

Finally, he hears the beep of the door unlocking. Juyeon quickly glances down at what he’s wearing. He put on Jaehyun’s favorite sweater. As one can see, Juyeon really thought this through and he’s so obviously whipped for the other man.

Jaehyun walks in. His styled-up hair is messy and tousled compared to when Juyeon last saw him. It must have been windy out. He has on his usual work attire, a simple suit, and a tie. He puts down his bag and heaves out a heavy sigh as he looks at Juyeon standing before him.

“Hyung,” Juyeon breathes out. His heart flutters at the sight of him. Even though he looks tired and worn, Juyeon still thinks he’s the most beautiful person he’s laid his eyes on. His cheeks and nose are slightly flushed from the cold wind outside that can be heard as tree branches hit the windows roughly. His eyes, the eyes that Juyeon admires so much, are so soft and gentle when they land on Juyeon.

“Juyeonie,” Jaehyun replies, his voice tired. He takes off his shoes and shuffles over to where Juyeon’s standing. 

“You okay?” Juyeon asks, his hand comes up to Jaehyun’s arm, caressing gently to remind him that he’s here and always will be here for him.

“Mhm,” Jaehyun hums. He tilts his head up to gaze at Juyeon. He looks slightly dazed, mostly from exhaustion. He lets out another sigh, leaning closer to him. “Everything’s okay.”

“Okay,” this is when Juyeon’s plan goes into action. But at this point, it isn’t for the sake of making Jaehyun shy, but just for the sake of giving him a safe place. Somewhere where he can hide after a long day. Juyeon would do anything for the other man. If he could, he would hug him all the time, feeling the other breath against him.

So his hand moves from Jaehyun’s arm to the small of his back. Jaehyun immediately keens into his touch as he steps forward. He lets out a breath that he must have been holding for quite some time, as he perches his chin on Juyeon’s shoulder. Juyeon gets the message as his other hand moves to the spot between Jaehyun’s shoulder blades, pulling him closer.

It’s such a perfect hug. No words are spoken, only the sound of the wind lightly howling in the background. Jaehyun snuggles closer, not caring that he needs to shower first before hugging Juyeon. He doesn’t care at that moment because all he wants to do is be here with him. And Juyeon doesn’t care either, that he needs to finish cleaning because all he wants to do is hold Jaehyun.

Jaehyun takes a deep breath. He loves the familiar scent of Juyeon’s clothes, warm and sweet. They use the same laundry detergent yet for some reason he’s so addicted to stealing Juyeon’s sweaters. 

And it’s then, that Juyeon finally remembers his mission. He thinks for a moment. And then he tightens his hold on Jaehyun, bringing him impossibly closer. 

“Mmm,” Jaehyun hums, going limp into his hold. He revels in the warmth that Juyeon transfers to him. “This is nice.”

They stay there for who knows how long, slightly swaying as Juyeon allows Jaehyun to recharge. Every so often Juyeon would tighten his hold, squeezing the other softly before releasing, earning a satisfied hum from Jaehyun each time.

Juyeon suddenly feels the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. At first, he had no idea why. But then, he feels a hand move to his back. 

Jaehyun’s hand.

Juyeon loves Jaehyun’s hands. A feature that's worth more than two chapters, in fact, a whole novel should be dedicated to his hands. They can be harsh at times, especially because he has the habit of repeatedly slapping Juyeon’s shoulder when he’s overly excited. But don’t worry, Juyeon finds it cute (He's just really whipped). But a lot of the time, actually, most of the time, Jaehyun’s hands are gentle. They’re gentle when they caress Juyeon’s cheeks with so much care and when they play with Juyeon’s larger hands. Juyeon just loves how his dainty fingers look wrapped around his own hand.

Jaehyun’s hand, smaller and more slender, starts to move up and down against each and every curve of Juyeon’s broad back. His hand, pretty and smooth, moves down until it slips under Juyeon’s sweater. Juyeon feels himself shiver. Jaehyun’s hand caresses his skin ever so gently, a fleeting touch that makes Juyeon tremble slightly.

And then he feels it. Jaehyun’s hand, with his thin fingers, presses into his spine slightly. At that point, Juyeon’s frozen, his whole body going rigid, though still holding the other tightly. The fingers, still pressing into where his back meets in the middle, start to slowly move up. The cool touch makes Juyeon let out a small whine as his back arches slightly.

He blinks. This isn’t part of the plan, what is he doing? But Juyeon can’t seem to resist, instead, he leans forward so Jaehyun can continue to use the pads of his fingers to gently massage his back, in patterns of lines and then circles.

Juyeon can feel his cheeks start to burn, as he turns his head to hide his face in Jaehyun’s neck. He can feel Jaehyun’s steady pulse, a huge contrast to his own rapid one.

“I can feel your heart beating fast,” Jaehyun finally whispers, his breath causing shudders down Juyeon’s spine, which Jaehyun’s fingers are still pressing into, moving along each and every ridge, stopping occasionally before pressing firmly again.

“Hyung…” Juyeon whines again, his eyes dilated, his mission long forgotten with how addicted he is to his lover’s gentle touch.

He pulls away, looking into Jaehyun’s pretty eyes. They’re twinkling with amusement as they observe the younger’s face with so much fondness that Juyeon starts to shy away.

But before Juyeon can turn his head to the side, Jaehyun takes his chin into his hand, making him face the older. He tilts his head teasingly.

“You’re looking a little pink.”

Juyeon chokes on the air. He pushes Jaehyun away, his face, in fact, very pink.

“You like my touch that much?” Jaehyun asks, smiling. Oh, he’s just so pretty. He’s glowing now with smugness and amusement.

Juyeon can’t even form words, as he leads Jaehyun to the bathroom.

“G-go take a shower, already,” Juyeon stutters. His heart is still beating fast and he’s sure his ears are red too.

“With me?”

“No!”

So maybe Juyeon’s mission starts another day.

ii. Gift-giving

The act of gift-giving activates pathways in the brain that releases oxytocin, signaling trust, safety, and connection. Trust is an important thing when it comes to Juyeon and Jaehyun’s relationship. Studies also show that spending money on others feels better than spending money on ourselves. Which is exactly what Juyeon does on Valentine's day.

Valentine’s day is a special day for everyone. People often spend it with other people, whether it’s their friends or significant other.

This is why, on their day off, Juyeon brings Jaehyun out on a date. They’ve been to plenty of fancy restaurants already, so Juyeon wants to do something special. A picnic at the park in the evening. He works hard the whole time Jaehyun’s out visiting his parents. He sets up fairy lights across the tree and lays out the blanket. He even asks his mother for Valentine’s day meal ideas.

He tells Jaehyun to meet him at the park at six. By that time, the sun is already set, the lights illuminating the park. Juyeon remembers the look on Jaehyun’s face when he sees the amount of effort he’s put in. He remembers the warm feeling in his heart when Jaehyun flings his arms across his neck, pulling him into a kiss and a tight hug.

“Thank you so much, Juyeonie,” Jaehyun whispers. “You didn’t have to.”

Juyeon shakes his head, smiling shyly, “I wanted to.”

Jaehyun giggles, his eyes bright and happy as he quickly sits down on the blanket and observes all the food. 

Juyeon insists that he starts eating as he pulls out a polaroid camera. He tells Jaehyun to pose, which he does happily. The flash goes off and Juyeon lets the small piece of paper sit. When the image starts showing, he shows Jaehyun with a fond smile.

“Beautiful,” Juyeon quietly says, staring at the picture.

Jaehyun laughs.

“Hurry and eat with me, Juyeon-ah.”

Juyeon nods. Jaehyun pauses and looks around once again. They’re alone in the park, making the atmosphere feel so romantic. Jaehyun’s heart swells as he looks at Juyeon with gentle eyes.

“I love you,” Jaehyun says so quietly that Juyeon could have missed it. But he hears it. Juyeon beams. Jaehyun looks pretty like this. Under the moonlight, dim lights illuminated his face. His cheeks are full from food and his eyes twinkle with adoration.

“I love you too,” Juyeon smiles.

After eating and cleaning up, they head back home and sprawl out on the bed, tired. Juyeon turns on his side to look at Jaehyun.

He could write another novel, this time for Jaehyun’s side profile. The way his nose curves so perfectly, he just wants to run his finger across the bridge. His lips too, thinner than his but always so pouty and kissable, Juyeon can’t resist himself. He moves closer and presses a long kiss to Jaehyun’s lips. The other immediately kisses back, turning his head lightly for a better reach.

When Juyeon pulls away, he perks up. Gift-giving. He forgot to do that. 

“I got something for you, hyung,” Juyeon reaches under the bed.

Jaehyun interrupts him.

“I got a gift for you too!” He excitedly explains. He also reaches under the bed.

…

Juyeon quirks his eyebrow, smiling with amusement, “Don’t tell me we hid our gifts in the same spot.”

Jaehyun nervously laughs, “I didn’t see anything, I swear on my life.”

Juyeon chuckles fondly. At the same moment, they pull out their gifts. Juyeon’s is bigger in size, as he’s holding a bouquet of roses and sunflowers. It isn’t a common combination, but Jaehyun once said those are his favorite flowers. On the other hand, he’s holding a small, velvety, blue box.

Jaehyun’s eyes widen, his vision set on the bouquet. Juyeon smiles sheepishly, handing the bouquet to him. Jaehyun grins widely, as he stares at the flowers in his hand.

“Juyeonie…”

“And I also got this,” Juyeon hands him the small box.

“What is it?”

“Open it, you’ll see.”

“Wait, wait, I got you this too,” Jaehyun hands him the small gift bag in his hand. It’s a simple white pattern, and the weight feels like nothing. Juyeon wonders what it is.

Juyeon’s heart pounds, excited for Jaehyun to open the box. 

“You open it first,” Juyeon gestures, stepping closer. Jaehyun laughs, cracking the box open. He gasps, immediately, his eyes glowing with awe. Inside, is a silver bracelet, with a small diamond-like crystal in the middle. Jaehyun instantly takes it out, admiring the way it shines and sparkles.

Juyeon watches fondly, as Jaehyun continues to stare at it. He’s so hopelessly in love, he wants to kiss Jaehyun until he’s breathless, the bracelet glinting in the light as Juyeon presses his lips to his repeatedly.

Much to Juyeon’s confusion, Jaehyun doesn’t put it on yet. He just stares at it, eyebrows furrowed. For a brief moment, Juyeon really hopes he doesn’t ask about the price. If he told him the truth, Jaehyun would be forcing him to return it. It may or may not have taken three paychecks to buy it.

But Jaehyun doesn’t ask about that, instead, he looks at Juyeon with wide eyes.

“I got you a bracelet too?”

It’s silent. It's so quiet that they can practically hear a pin drop.

“Oh,” Juyeon brightens, smiling. “That’s amazing, we’re so in sync!” Juyeon reaches his hand into the bag and pulls out two bracelets.

“Wait, but it’s not-” Jaehyun sighs, looking down with slight shame. “It’s not as good…”

Juyeon doesn’t hear him. The bracelets are of course, small in his hand, but it’s the fact that it’s handmade. He can tell from the way it’s tied and perfectly sized to fit each of their wrists. 

“Hyung… I-”

Jaehyun steps closer and points at the pink one, “This one is mine.”

 Both bracelets have heart charms, but each has its own complimentary colors and extra pieces. The blue bracelet has different shades ranging from sky blue to navy blue. It also has a small cat charm on it, as well as a cute silver star. The pink bracelet also has different shades, as well as a butterfly charm with a matching star.

Juyeon’s speechless. But Jaehyun doesn’t notice just yet. Instead, he starts frantically trying to explain to himself.

“I know, it’s like- not as pretty as the one you gave me. And yours is so much more expensive, I… Yeah,” Jaehyun rambles on and on. “I spent a bit of time on it though! I asked a lot of my friends for help so…”

Jaehyun hurriedly takes the pink bracelet and slips it over his wrist along with the silver bracelet Juyeon gifted. After, he takes the blue one and puts it over Juyeon’s wrist, which is frozen in place.

“See?” Jaehyun laughs, awkwardly. He feels his heart drop at Juyeon’s silence. Does he not like it? Should he have bought one instead? Does he not like handmade things? “We’re matching…”

Still, Juyeon doesn’t say anything. He just stares at their matching bracelets. Jaehyun’s shiny bracelet along with the cute one he made, makes Juyeon’s heart soar.

“Juyeon?” 

Jaehyun finally has the courage to look at Juyeon’s face. And he’s taken aback, because-

“Are you…” It dawns on him, why he was being so silent. “You’re shy.”

Juyeon sputters, “I-I’m not,” He grumbles, turning away from the other, crossing his arms adorably. Jaehyun can see the tips of his ears turn red. 

“You sure?” Jaehyun steps closer and wraps his arm around Juyeon’s waist into a back hug. Juyeon blushes even more, as he looks down to see Jaehyun’s hands over his stomach. He can see the two bracelets on his wrist, as well as the blue one on his own. He chokes again.

He turns around, facing his boyfriend with embarrassment.

“Thank you…” Juyeon whispers, looking down at the floor. 

“Hm?” Jaehyun tilts the younger’s head up with his finger. “I didn’t hear you.”

Juyeon chokes again. Juyeon seems to choke a lot when he’s around Jaehyun. 

“I love you!” Juyeon blurts out. His eyes widen at his own response, but he continues. “I- I mean, I love the bracelets a lot.”

Jaehyuns is slightly startled by his sudden response but he still laughs loudly, pressing a kiss to his cheek. 

“You could just say you love both. Also, I love the bracelet you gave me too.”

Juyeon looks up and observes Jaehyun’s face. He’s not even shy at all, he’s just staring at the bracelet in awe. He sighs in defeat. But then he smiles fondly, pulling Jaehyun in by the waist.

“Happy Valentine’s day, my love.”

Jaehyun smiles beautifully in response.

Juyeon’s mission starts another day.

iii. Hand-holding

Hand-holding activates oxytocin, just like hugging and gift-giving. Oxytocin is for calming and destressing and it also provides a feeling of bonding and devotion. Hand-holding is especially good for stress-relieving, as it reduces blood pressure and lowers heart rate. Juyeon likes hand-holding. Maybe, if Jaehyun likes it as much, he might just get shy.

(Don’t tell Juyeon that they literally hold hands every day and Jaehyun’s practically desensitized to it…)

They’re sitting in bed when Juyeon decides to put his new plan in place. Jaehyun’s eyes are fixated on the cute drama playing on the TV while Juyeon sits there quietly, contemplating for the longest time.

When the episode ends and the soundtrack starts playing, Juyeon pauses the show and turns off the TV. He turns to his boyfriend. He looks pretty like usual, a simple white shirt on, his hair softly falling over his eyes. Juyeon just loves how he can make any outfit look so good. He wants to kiss him until he’s breathless again. 

Calm down, Juyeon tells himself.

Jaehyun pouts, turning to him, “Why’d you-”

“Can I hold your hand, hyung?”

Jaehyun shuts his mouth closed. He stares at the younger with a slightly perplexed expression. Nonetheless, he breaks out into the cutest smile.

“You don’t have to ask,” He teases, pinching Juyeon’s cheek. Juyeon wills himself not to blush… again.

Juyeon, very gently, takes Jaehyun’s hand in his. He holds his palm for a while before intertwining his fingers with the older’s. It’s cute, as they both sit next to each other, staring at their connected hands. Though Jaehyun is honestly confused the whole time.

Juyeon looks to his left to peek at Jaehyun’s face. He waits for a reaction, any hint that he’s flustered, whether it be a flush on his cheeks or dilated pupils. But there’s none, as Jaehyun’s just completely nonchalant with the simple form of affection.

Jaehyun notices sooner or later. He looks at Juyeon with narrowed eyes, suspicious of his weird behavior.

“What’s wrong?” 

Juyeon quickly shakes his head, his voice oddly high-pitched, “Nothing.”

Jaehyun nods. He starts playing with Juyeon’s hand, letting go and moving around each and every finger, bending and unbending. Juyeon finds this one of the best parts of hand-holding. When Jaehyun plays with his fingers like this, it’s so soothing Juyeon just wants to kiss him until he’s breathless. Again.

It’s calming, just basking in each other’s presence, sitting side by side with their bodies slightly touching.

That calming atmosphere quickly disappears because Jaehyun has the need to randomly blurt out words.

“Look how big your hand is next to mine…” Jaehyun brings their hands up to his face, closely observing as he licks his lips briefly.

And normally, Juyeon would make fun of him because literally, everyone he knows is aware of his abnormally large hands. But Juyeon just can’t bring himself to make fun of him, because what Jaehyun says after is what gets him speechless.

“You can easily wrap your hands around my waist so easily,” Jaehyun slowly lets go of him and brings Juyeon’s hand down to his lower stomach. He pushes down, letting Juyeon feel his toned abdomen. Juyeon gulps, his throat going dry.

“You can fully cover my hips,” He moves his hand down to his hips. Jaehyun molds Juyeon’s hand until it curves around it, his thumb pressing into his slender waist. Juyeon can’t move, just watching how small Jaehyun can look under his hands.

Jaehyun smirks, leaning up to Juyeon’s ear and sitting up slightly.

He whispers, drawing out every word in a sultry tone, “And hold me down-”

“Hyung.”

Juyeon quickly backs away, pushing Jaehyun. His face is flaming hot at that point as the cold room suddenly felt like a hot desert. He pulls at his collar, already feeling a flush form from his neck to his cheeks.

“Are you okay?” Juyeon asks, his voice desperately trying not to stutter and shake. 

Jaehyun shakes his head, a glint in his eye. Suddenly, he’s perched on Juyeon’s lap, straddling his hips, his hands on Juyeon’s shoulders. He schools his expression into an increasingly seductive one, as he tilts his head like a curious puppy. Juyeon feels himself lose his breath. He notices that Jaehyun’s shirt is hanging off his shoulders, exposing a perfect collarbone.

“It’s been weeks,” Jaehyun replies. His finger trails down Juyeon’s earlobe, down to his neck, and stops at his chest. Juyeon can’t help the shiver that goes down his spine. He’s definitely pink by now. “Juyeonie,” Jaehyun whines in a sort of pleading way. The one that he knows would make Juyeon go insane. “I miss you…”

Jaehyun pauses. 

“On top of me.”

And with all his strength, Jaehyun flips them over until Juyeon’s caging the older under his arms. Juyeon stares, eyes darkening at the sight, with Jaehyun’s breath speeding up and his pupils wide. Juyeon’s eyes then zero in on the tongue that swipes out to wet his lips.

Juyeon’s mission is forgotten. Again. For the third time. All his mind is on is making Jaehyun feel good for the rest of the evening.

“Right, I…”

“Mmm?” Jaehyun’s voice is impatient and needy. Jaehyun looks obscene like this, his chest heaving up and down. There’s a flush on his face, though it isn’t because he’s shy but because of lust and want. His shirt is still hanging off his shoulder, his neck perfectly exposed for Juyeon to press his lips against.

“Yeah,” Is all Juyeon can muster, his thoughts hazy. He’s at a loss for words now, unable to do anything except press closer to Jaehyun. He swoops in and kisses the older heatedly, intertwining his fingers with Jaehyun’s again, though they’re in a completely different situation now. Juyeon feels his heart clench at the sight of Jaehyun, the man that he was just oh so in love with, let out a small moan and arch his back at the simple caressing of his small waist.

On another note, maybe Juyeon’s mission will start after this.

+ i. Kisses

Kissing stimulates dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin. These chemicals in your brain make you feel euphoric and happy. They also encourage feelings of affection and bonding. Juyeon loves kissing Jaehyun and Jaehyun loves kissing Juyeon. 

Little does Juyeon know, that Jaehyun especially, especially loves kisses. He loves them so much to the point that he might just get shy. 

But Juyeon doesn’t know that. And the one time he doesn’t try on his mission he actually succeeds.

For once, Jaehyun comes home from work early. He’s dressed in his usual work attire when he walks in. He still looks tired, considering he has to wake up early five times a week, which is why Juyeon prepares a bath for him.

He doesn’t join him, but he helps him. He softly runs his hand through his hair, lathering it in bubbles to the point that Jaehyun giggles oh so adorably. When he washes his face, Juyeon absolutely adores caressing his cheeks, watching a small smile bloom on his lover’s beautiful face. He also just loves massaging Jaehyun’s shoulders, getting the knots out from long hours of work, and feeling his soft, smooth skin. Juyeon loves him so much.

When he’s finished, Juyeon tells him to dress. But of course, Juyeon’s always been a forgetful person. So, he literally forgets to leave Jaehyun’s clothes in the bathroom when he walks out.

He’s sitting on the bed, getting the blankets and pillows organized so they can take their afternoon nap, cuddled up to each other in the cold weather. Juyeon’s dressed in a plain grey sweater and sweatpants, his hair tousled and slightly too long as it falls over his eyes.

He hears the door open and he feels his heart stutter at the sight before him. There Jaehyun’s standing, his naturally curly hair out, still slightly damp. He looks beautiful, his skin a bit flushed from the warm, steamy water and his eyes sleepy and droopy. But what really gets Juyeon is the fact that Jaehyun, the beautiful love of his life, the person he wants to be with forever, is wearing his clothes.

For some reason, in contrast to popular belief, they don’t often wear each other’s clothes. Despite having similar styles, they still prefer to wear their own attire, saying that they wouldn’t want to ruin each other's clothes. 

But god, Juyeon feels like he’s fallen in love all over again. After what’s been over a year, he feels like he’s just met the man who he ran into at a convenience store who forgot his credit card and wanted to buy a coffee. He feels like how he did when he asked him out and he giggled before pressing a short kiss to his cheek. He feels like when Jaehyun asked him to move in with him, telling him that he already bought a bigger bed to fit the both of them so Juyeon wouldn’t have any other option but to say yes.

He feels like his heart belongs to someone else, and that person is Jaehyun.

Jaehyun’s currently wearing an oversized white t-shirt and simple black sweatpants that do, in fact, belong to Juyeon. They’re similar in build, but with how big the shirt is, Jaehyun feels like he’s practically drowning in the fabric. 

“There wasn’t anything in the bathroom but I found this…” Jaehyun muttered, smiling sheepishly. He stares at Juyeon, confused since he’s been gaping at him for quite a while. “It’s okay, right?”

Juyeon’s words die in his throat, feeling his heart pound. Oh, he’s so in love with Jaehyun.

“Juyeonie?”

“Y-yes,” Juyeon blurts out, his eyes widening when he sees Jaehyun approach him. He sits next to him on the edge of the bed and turns to him. He’s smiling now. Juyeon’s so badly in love he doesn’t know what to do. 

So, instead of complimenting Jaehyun, he says the dumbest thing ever.

“That’s my shirt.”

Jaehyun pauses, before laughing loudly, leaning his head on Juyeon’s shoulder, making him die again.

“I know.”

…

Jaehyun tilts his head, looking up at Juyeon through his eyelashes. 

“Do I look good?”

“God, you don’t even know how pretty you look right now,” Juyeon whispers. Jaehyun widens his eyes slightly in shock. But he doesn’t get flustered by simple compliments. 

So instead, Jaehyun tries to be cocky and teasing, absolutely loving when Juyeon gets shy. He leans in, smiling slightly. Juyeon stares down at him with wide eyes. Or more, he’s actually looking straight at his lips. But Jaehyun doesn’t notice that just yet.

“I know I look good-” Jaehyun’s words are muffled because Juyeon’s suddenly pressing a kiss to his lips. He feels his breath stutter. It’s a simple peck on his lips, but it holds so much meaning that Jaehyun can’t help but be a bit startled.

Jaehyun stares at Juyeon with wide eyes, breathing out a small laugh. Juyeon’s always been a sort of random person, which Jaehyun absolutely admired.

Nonetheless, he tries again, “Should I wear your clothes more-”

But Juyeon does it again. He presses a harder kiss against Jaehyun’s lips. He doesn’t say a word, only gazing at Jaehyun so fondly. So fond, like he’s in love. Jaehyun feels the breath die against his lips.

He pauses, bringing his fingers up to his lips, touching the spot where Juyeon kissed. Juyeon's never done this before, interrupting his talking just to kiss him. It's a new thing and it sparks something in Jaehyun's heart. 

“Juyeon… what are you doi-  mmph.”

Jaehyun feels his back hit the mattress. Suddenly, Juyeon plants a long kiss on his lips. 

Something takes over Juyeon at that moment. Jaehyun looks so beautiful. He’s always been so beautiful, from the inside out. He’ll never forget the amount of effort Jaehyun puts into taking care of him, claiming that since he’s the older one it’s his responsibility. He’s only older by a few months. So with Jaehyun under him, staring at him with those… large, pretty eyes. He so badly wants to kiss him until he’s breathless. And this time, he’s positive he’ll do it this time.

“You look so…” Juyeon eyes him with such soft eyes, and Jaehyun feels himself melt under his gaze. Then, Juyeon leans down and presses a kiss on his right cheek. Jaehyun laughs, accepting it. At least he was going to accept it until Juyeon just… keeps on kissing him.

He pulls away and moves to his left cheek, leaving a kiss there too. Jaehyun feels his heart speed up slightly, but nothing too serious. But Juyeon pulls away again to aim for his forehead. He kisses there too, then between his eyebrows. 

Then to the bridge of his nose, he kisses. He leaves another one on the tip of his nose. 

He presses two on each of Jaehyun’s eyelids. Then under his eyes, he presses his lips gently against them. Juyeon’s so in love he doesn’t hear Jaehyun’s soft whine under him. He moves to his cheekbones, pecking there too. He kisses his cupid’s bow, the corner of his lips, his top lip, his bottom lip, and finally his chin.

“Pretty,” The younger whispers, his voice soft and shaky with overwhelming adoration.

Juyeon pulls away. Yet he doesn’t quite register how flushed Jaehyun’s become. Instead, he leans in to press more fleeting kisses on his pretty, pretty face. Again, he starts at the lips, then to his cheeks, to his forehead, to his nose, and back down to his lips.  Jaehyun feels tingly all over, constantly shivering from Juyeon’s gentle kisses.

But it isn’t enough. Juyeon doesn’t want a single part of Jaehyun’s beauty unkissed. So he kisses more and more, pressing his lips gently against his soft skin. He kisses each of his eyebrows and then on each of his temples. He kisses the tips of his ears and then each of his ear lobes. He kisses the outer corner of Jaehyun’s delicate eyes and the inner corners of them too. He presses small ones against his jawline. 

Juyeon can’t get enough, he wants more but a small voice interrupts him.

“Wait, wait,” Jaehyun hurriedly plants the palm of his hands on Juyeon’s chest. “Juyeon-ah.”

Juyeon pauses. Something’s off. His voice sounded… unstable, almost pleading. Usually, Jaehyun’s voice is confident and clear, but now it’s almost like he’s… shy?

Juyeon’s worried for a second so he pulls away to observe his boyfriend under him. And-

Oh.

Oh.

Jaehyun’s cheeks are bright pink. His pupils are dilated, wide, and round, with his eyelashes, fluttering. His lips are parted and red. He looks almost out of breath. Juyeon can see everything. The tips of his ears are red. Juyeon could see Jaehyun’s chest heave up and down, almost like his heart was beating incredibly fast. Which it is. Even the tip of Jaehyun’s cute nose is tinted, probably from Juyeon’s constant kissing in that area. Jaehyun’s flustered. He’s blushing, over Juyeon.

Juyeon can’t believe what he’s seeing. The sight of Jaehyun shy under him, makes Juyeon want to die inside. He’s so badly, hopelessly, and horribly in love with this man. 

“Hyung…” Juyeon stares in awe, his eyes sparkling. “Are you shy?”

“I’m…” Jaehyun’s at a loss for words. He turns his head to the side, trying to conceal his flush but it’s of no use because Juyeon can still see how red his cheeks are. 

“I’m not,” Jaehyun tries to say, but his voice trembles.

But Juyeon can’t help himself. He presses another kiss to his lips, absolutely loving what Jaehyun’s like right now. It makes his heart clench and soar all at the same time.

He pulls away, caressing Jaehyun’s cheekbone with his thumb ever so gently.

“You’re pretty like this.”

Jaehyun whines louder. He tries to bring his hands up to cover his face but Juyeon stops him, taking hold of his wrists. Juyeon brings one hand up to his lips, pressing a soft kiss to his palm. Jaehyun flushes even more.

“I’m serious,” Juyeon whispers, leaning closer, mere centimeters away from Jaehyun’s face. “You’re beautiful.”

And Jaehyun’s face is even more flustered. He tries to shove Juyeon away but he feels weak everywhere, his heart pounding so, so fast he doesn’t know what to do. He’s never truly gotten this type of reaction ever in his life. When it comes to Juyeon, Jaehyun’s usually always the bold one, never getting shy over Juyeon’s attempts at flirting. But with Juyeon peppering him with kisses all over his face, openly showing his love and affection, Jaehyun feels like crying with overwhelming emotions.

He tries so hard to push Juyeon away but instead, he only lets out another groan, as Juyeon stares down at him with amusement. He grumbles and instead pulls Juyeon down to lie next to him. Jaehyun rests his head on top of his chest, throwing his leg over his body. 

But he can still feel Juyeon’s lovely eyes on him, sharp and keen. Jaehyun’s face feels hot all over again. 

Again?

Jaehyun’s gone insane.

He moves and buries his face into the crook of his neck. 

-

“After all this time, that’s what gets you shy?” Juyeon wonders to himself. Now, they’re comfortably cuddling each other after a small (intense) makeout session.

Jaehyun pauses. He pulls away from Juyeon’s chest and looks at him incredulously. 

“What?”

Juyeon coughs, awkwardly, “I mean-” He nervously laughs. “Nothing.”

“Juyeon,” Jaehyun deadpans, looking him straight in the eye.

And under Jaehyun’s scary gaze, Juyeon can’t help but blurt out his mission plan to his boyfriend. He tells him about how he so badly wanted to make Jaehyun shy instead of the other way around. But he constantly failed, with the hugging, gift-giving, and hand-holding. He tells him about how much he enjoys it when Jaehyun caresses his back when they hug, how much he loves staring at the bracelet that he made for him, and how he loves how small Jaehyun can be under his large hands. Jaehyun listens with wide eyes. 

When Juyeon’s finished, he’s slightly embarrassed. With the number of times his mission was pushed off, or simply put, failed, he doesn’t think he can do it again.

But Jaehyun laughs. He laughs so loud, that it immediately fills Juyeon’s heart with joy.

“You were doing this the whole time?” Jaehyun asks, his eyes bright. His hand comes up to brush through Juyeon’s hair gently. Jaehyun thinks that Juyeon’s so incredibly cute and endearing.

Juyeon nods, looking away, mortified.

…

“And you didn’t even think of kissing first?” Jaehyun looks at him with a teasing look.

“Oh,” Juyeon’s eyes widen. "Oh..."It does dawn on him. Jaehyun’s always loved kisses. Yet he’s tried everything but kissing. He mentally facepalms himself. If only he had started off by kissing him, he would have succeeded faster. Sometimes Juyeon hates how slow things can be in his head. But then another thing dawns on him.

He pulls away and sits up, looking at Jaehyun with a mischievous, sly gaze. Jaehyun sits up too and he startles when he feels Juyeon bring his large hand up to cup Jaehyun’s cheek.

“So you like kisses, huh?”

Now it’s the older’s turn to blush. He shies away, avoiding eye contact.

“Y-yeah,” He mutters. “I thought we established that…”

Juyeon only chuckles, fondly.

“So… do you like when I kiss here?” And Juyeon pulls Jaehyun into a heart-fluttering kiss, against his lips. Their lips are already sore from past events but they don’t care, as Jaehyun lets out a satisfied groan. Juyeon’s hand rests on his waist, tightening slightly. Jaehyun keens and arches his back into his touch. And then Jaehyun realizes what he’s doing and pulls away, his cheeks flushing all over again.

“It’s okay!” Jaehyun stutters out. He hates how natural it is for him to chase after Juyeon’s warmth when he kisses him. It’s a problem but Jaehyun can’t stop him. Not when he’s as hopelessly in love as Juyeon is with him.  “It doesn’t affect me that much.”

Juyeon stares at him with a skeptical smile. Jaehyun looks away. He’s always been a bad liar.

“You’re cute.”

Jaehyun freezes.

And then he feels his heart stop and his breath hitch, because Juyeon’s suddenly leaning in, right under his jawline. He feels his body go rigid at the feeling of Juyeon breathing in his neck, knowing exactly where Jaehyun’s most sensitive. Juyeon’s hand rests on the bed, balancing himself as his other hand rests under Jaehyun’s chin, angling it for better reach.

“If not your lips, what about here?” And Juyeon lets his lips graze over his skin. Jaehyun’s heart’s beating and racing now and his hands are fidgeting.

He shuts his eyes closed, too embarrassed to keep them open as he lets out a shaky breath, “M-maybe.”

“Hm,” Juyeon simply hums. “Guess I’ll just have to experiment then.”

Ambivalence applies to Jaehyun too. Not in the sense that he’s uncertain about his feelings for Juyeon. He’s past all those stages, from the first kiss stage to the asking-him-to-move-in stage. He’s confident about his feelings for Juyeon. In fact, Jaehyun's heart pounds in his chest, beating for Juyeon and only Juyeon.

What Jaehyun feels ambivalent about is how he can finally let himself go when he’s with Juyeon. He can be shy around him and Juyeon will call him cute and pretty. He can expose parts of himself to Juyeon, whether it’s through that spot on his neck that Juyeon remembers to heart, or if it's through the worries that sink deep in his gut that he can tell Juyeon about through tears and hugs, finally letting those worries go.

Jaehyun’s used to doing everything alone. That is until he met Juyeon. He’s learned now, that he can finally be free.

On second thought, maybe Jaehyun isn’t feeling ambivalent. Maybe, he actually loves, adores, and enjoys letting go of himself with Juyeon.

So when Jaehyun whispers a soft, “I love you” to Juyeon that late night, he knows that he’ll get an “I love you too” back. In fact, Juyeon might just add the “-so much” at the very end, because on that day, they just exist, kissing and embracing each other, loving each other endlessly.