Chapter Text
Scene
It's a young night at Ratchet and Clank's house which resembles the one from that weird odd couple game but like a lil more sci-fi-ey ya know?
Ratchet and Clank are on the couch just watching TV just for noise though, they spent almost the whole day getting things ready for the lombax trip but it's like a shot, when the doctor gets close, you start crying and flailing on the floor so they all just give up on giving you the HPV vaccine. But ignoring what I just said they are just sitting on the couch tired from a ass-ton of work.
Ratchet: Clank, Clank are you up?
Clank(pre-recorded): I am in sleep mode please don't wake me up yet unless it's an emergency.
Distantly in the back of the recording ratchet could hear Clank talking to Sigmund.
Clank(pre-recorded): So what button do I press to turn the recording off?
Sigmund(pre-recorded): I think you have to double-tap the one on the left.
Ratchet could hear the shuffling of manual papers.
Clank(pre-recorded): ah, thank you.
Clank learned of the pre-recorded feature a few years ago when he visited Sigmund for whatever the space version of thanksgiving is.
Ratchet: he's gotta update that recording…
Ratchet's stomach growls.
Ratchet: oh man, I didn't realize how hungry I am. do we even have anything to eat?
Ratchet walks over to the kitchen with a hand on his stomach, as if he's some kind of wounded soldier. He spots a tray on the counter with a tacky poorly designed neon pattern.
Ratchet: oh, awesome brownies! wait I should probably check if Clank wants any of this.
Ratchet pokes his head into the living room.
Ratchet(quiet yelling): hey Clank, do you want any of these brownies?
Clank(pre-recorded): I am in sleep mode please don't wake me up yet unless it's an-
Ratchet goes back into the kitchen to ignore the message and stares down at the brownies with a hint of mischief on his face as he wiggles his fingers over the tray.
Ratchet: guess he doesn't want any.
Ratchet begins to go to town on the brownies in an almost horrifying manner as if he ate nothing all day
But when he's done, Ratchet sees a card taped to the tray, Ratchet picks it up.
"Know you've been working hard so here's some hemp brownies I baked with friendship- <3 Skid"
Ratchet: oh shit.
Ratchet races into the other room and starts shaking Clank frantically.
Ratchet: CLANK WAKE UP THIS IS SERIOUS I NEED YOU TO CALL THE HOSPITAL PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF-
a knock is heard at the door and Clank wakes up, though he's a little dazed from being shaken out of sleep mode.
Clank: Ratchet what are you- oh the door's knocking I should answer it.
Ratchet: CLANK HOLD ON
Clank opens the door to see Captain Qwark in front of the door.
Qwark: Hey Clank, I was wondering if you had the tray I lended Skid a few days ago.
A thud is heard from behind the 2 antennide dudes (antennide as in plural for antenna). Ratchet is now on the floor, eyes wide and red
Ratchet: woah my hands are really big, like a yaoi character.
Clank(panicked): Ratchet!
Clank runs over to Ratchets family guy death posed body.
Clank: Are you alright??? Do you need nanotech???
Qwark: No nanotech can cure the curse that he's been put under.
Clank: what do you mean by that?
Qwark: common Clank, it's obvious. the cherry red eyes, the droopy behavior, Ratchet has been out with the Ms.Maryjane.
Clank takes a minute to process by quickly going through an urban dictionary in his head.
Clank: WEED!!??
Qwark: yes that old mistress of crazy nights.
Qwark does a forced chuckle to himself
Qwark: I could never forget my high school days.
Clank: don't you mean college?
Qwark: no
Optional family guy style cutaway gag
Png of Qwark smoking a phat ass Doobie in the bathroom while flesh Nefarious is hiding in the toilet stalls
I'm not drawing this btw
Qwark: Anyways why are you even worried? didn't you spend like 8 years studying Lombaxes?
Clank: Sadly no, I only used that time to learn about the dimensionator. knowledge about weapons of mass destruction is not the same as the knowledge of Lombax biology.
Clank: Unless… Qwark, watch Ratchet for a minute, I have to check my memory storage.
Clank goes into another room that's full of servers and hard drives, Clank never trusted his memories with the company that owns the memory cloud so he had to get creative in order to keep all his memories safe, it's like that one movie "Next Gen" except with capitalism, wait no even more capitalism!
While Clank works on finding the right memory file, Qwark looks down at Ratchet's shirt.
Qwark(smug): Huh, so I guess you did like my shirt after all.
Ratchet: I'm wearing a shirt?
Ratchet is wearing an oversized t-shirt with multicolored letters in comic sans saying "Bros B4 Foes" the product tag on the shirt has Qwark's logo plastered on it.
Clank rushes into the room with a memory brick thing I don't know the name, labeled 10/18/11.
Clank: I found the memory, I can only hope that I got a look at the card when we first met him.
Qwark: you don't remember his name?
Clank: do you remember my birthday?
Qwark has stopped talking now scruntled (that's not a word but it's like this emoticon >:( )
Clank shoves the rectangle of data into his mouth and starts seeing the memory replay
That's where we are now btw in the memory read from the memories perspective
In the memory Ratchet, Clank, Qwark, and Dr.Nefarious are all there facing that strangely ignorant old Dr.Frumpus Croid (btw why are there so many damn doctors in these games I mean I only know like 1 in real life I think, maybe 2)
Btw this is that one cut scene where they meet him in all 4 one.
Qwark: Dr. Frumpus Croid. Astrophysicist, paradoxologist, and... lombax whisperer?
(This is the only well-spelt part because I yoinked it from the Ratchet and Clank wiki)
Qwark drops the card on the floor and Clank picks it up to look at it, and luckily it has his phone number. Clank ejects the memory data rectangle out of his mouth like a toaster.
Qwark: What did you see boy?
Clank: excuse me?
Qwark: sorry I wanted to try some new things to say at ratchet but he's out.
Ratchet: I'm not dead, wait am I?
Clank: well it said he was only a lombax whisperer-
Ratchet(slurred): bullshiz.
Clank: but he should have more knowledge about lombax health than me.
Clank walks over to the phone laying on the table and dials the number when he does the other line picks up.
Dr.Frumpus Croid: Listen, I don't have the money for the research equipment but I can pay it back soon.
Clank: hello Dr.Frumpus Croid this is Clank, is this a bad time?
Dr.Frumpus Croid: oh no sorry I thought you were someone else who are you again?
Clank: I'm Clank, me and my-
Clank looks behind him at Qwark with a number of flashbacks of him and Ratchet being done dirty by him, Qwark just does a Roblox wave at Clank.
Clank: friends helped you with your Ephemeris problem.
Dr.Frumpus Croid: oh right, so why did you call after 10 years?
Clank: oh I guess time flies (Clank does his iconic giggle but it's in a way where you laugh when you're nervous), but I called you because there was an issue with Ratchet.
Dr.Frumpus Croid: who?
Clank: he was the lombax.
Dr.Frumpus Croid: oh no, did he die?
Clank: I'm not sure, but Ratchet seems to have somehow done weed. Do you know of how this could affect him?
Dr.Frumpus Croid: ah that mistress of crazy nights…
Clank: um doctor?
Dr.Frumpus Croid: OH- that depends, was it edibles or a doobie?
Qwark walks out from the kitchen holding an empty tray
Clank turns around and sees the tray.
Clank: edibles and what appears to be a whole trays worth.
Dr.Frumpus Croid: oh he's gonna be on a while ride for about 3 days-
THIS IS A LOWBALL IF YOU EAT A TRAYS WORTH OF WEED CALL A DOCTOR FOR THE LOVE OF GOD
-if it was a whole tray- oh dang I have to hang up now, DINKLES DON'T FIRE YET.
Clank: Wait! will Ratchet be-
The phone hangs up.
Clank: all right…
Clank turns around to see Qwark using his antenna as a cat toy on Ratchet, this is working and Ratchet is acting like a cat.
Qwark: so everything a-ok right?
Clank: I could only get the information on how long this will last.
Qwark: great! How long?
Clank: 3 days.
Qwark: Whuh-woh.
Clank: I'm guessing by your reaction that's an abnormal amount of time,
In this pause clank closes his eyes.
Clank: but that's fine I'll just have to keep an eye on Ratchet for 3 days so it's nothing too hard.
Qwark: I lost him
Clank: I closed my eyes for 2 seconds???
Qwark: I was never good at keeping track of these types of things.
Clank(irritated): that's fine we can just find him real quick and make sure he doesn't leave our lines of sight.
Qwark: heh well that's gonna be hard.
Clank: why?
Qwark: because I left that door wide open.
Clank: oh dear, where could he have gone???
Qwark: I don't know but I bet he will show up eventually.
Clank: no we cannot fully trust that, he's in a condition that I haven't seen before and therefore I do not know what he can handle. Qwark I want you to stay here and wait for me to come back.
Clank rushes to the other room and comes back with a harness
Clank: Qwark I'm going to need you to carry me around for the time being.
Qwark: what? No way, besides can't you walk?
Clank: Well, keeping up my walking maintenance is pricey and we will mostly be going long distances so I don't think it would be very wise to put strain on my legs.
Qwark: fine but if you give me scoliosis then you're paying for my medical bills.
Clank: that is alright, besides I am very easy on the shoulders.
Scene
Ratchet is on the floor of his house, Clank's eyes are closed and Qwark is trying to keep his attention on Clank.
Ratchet spots something through a window, a fresh silvery R.Y.N.O. Ratchet exits the door and walks over the sky bridges to it but when he gets close he realizes it's a trash can.
Ratchet: aw man I really wanted to get a free R.Y.N.O, they're so expensive.
While Ratchet stands in disappointment a trash pickup bot grabs Ratchet like a kitten and stops him from moving but he does flail as much as he can.
Ratchet: AH MY BONES!
Ratchet is tossed down the trash to where no one wants to ever go, the dump on the other side of the planet.
Ratchet wakes up to a shrill skeletal voice yelling at him, he can't decipher the words but looking at the figure the first thing he says is.
Ratchet: holy shit, Skeletor?
IN THE NEXT CHAPTER OF BROWN TOWN
. SOMEONE IS REVEALED TO BE WEARING CARGO SHORTS
. A MEXICAN STANDOFF OCCURS
. AND I BRING BACK A CHARACTER ALMOST NO ONE CARES ABOUT
BEG ME TO WRITE OR ELSE I MAY NEVER COME BACK TO THIS MONSTROSITY OR MAYBE I WILL IM ALREADY DOING CHAPTER 2 HELL YEAHHHH