Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Kazuma's turn

For my 20th birthday, I got a check and an ultimatum to get the hell out of my house.

And it was my house, I'd lived there all my life after all. Probably spent more time in it than even my parents did, especially these last few years keeping it safe for them to come home to.

And yet, the very morning of my legal debut as a grown man, my parents barged into my room at the crack of dawn to drag me out of bed. They'd even called in an excuse for Jiro since it was a school day to help me pack up and make sure I was out before they got back that night.

"How can you stand it?"

"Stand what?" my little brother asked "Moving your ass out? You're the smart one of us, are you really telling me you didn't see this coming?" He stared at me over the box of not at all light novels he was propping on the rail of the elevator. "Ancestors preserve us. You didn't, did you? You really thought that those two were going to just, support you forever or something? Mom and Dad?!"

I growled at him to shut up if he knew what was good for him, but that just made him laugh harder, the bastard.

"You lived with them two years longer than I have, seriously man. That's some funny shit." he nudged his face against one sleeve of his green polo shirt trying to try to wipe his eyes, almost knocking his glasses off. Served him right, I'd told him when I was in the hospital after my accident a few years back he'd need reading glasses like an old fart if he kept studying like he did. So who's laughing now?

"Keep it up, it'll be you that they kick out on your ass before long. See if I cry for you then," I warned him, but he just shook his head after resettling things.

"Nah. I played their game, kept my grades up, didn't nearly get myself sued for breaking a girl's leg trying to play hero." Our elevator reached my floor, and we started down the hall. "I keep it up a few more months, move into an off campus apartment so I can stay over summers, and I'm good. After that, I'll only ever have to deal with them at New Year's" Jiro continued quietly, "I'm good," he repeated. "There's a reason that all the schools I applied for are on Kanto, you know."

"Yeah, I guess you are," I agreed softly, wrestling out my new keys. They'd been efficient if nothing else. In the envelope my gene donors had given me along with the checks for rental deposit and the first month's rent was a pre-signed lease agreement. All I had to do was just sign on the dotted line and I could move right in. Utilities connected by the end of today, even.

Dropping the boxes in the corner with a thump, I surveyed my new domain. It wasn't much, basically one room with a micro kitchen by the front door, a bedroom I could just lay out a double sized futon in, and a sliding door to a bath and shower.

"That's the last of it?" Jiro asked, wiping his forehead with an arm.

"Yeah, that's it. All I'm going to have room for at least." To hell with the rest of it, anyway. Most of my stuff I cared about was digital. Besides, the last thing I wanted to do was go back. It would be getting close to the end of the work day by the time I got back for anything else, and it would be just like Them to come home earlier than usual to make sure I was really leaving.

Jiro leaned against an empty spot on the wall, hands in his jean's pockets. Looking as lost for what to do next as I felt.

He was wrong, I'd seen this coming. I'd just refused to believe it, do anything about it. I'd basically dropped out of the expensive prep school my parents signed me up for four years ago. Hardly a week had gone by since without some sort of cutting, snide comment from my father as he went by when he came home from work that night, or my mother's incandescent fury at catching me raiding the fridge at 3 am again.

I pulled my phone out of my tracksuit pocket, pretending to check the time just to be doing something.

"Hey," my brother said after a minute, looking up from where he'd been doing the same thing. "All the third years are quitting for their exam prep at the arcade we used to go to, I heard. If you put in an app you'd have a shot."

Working. Heaven help me, I'd have to do that now wouldn't I? Sure, I was set until the end of the month, but I was way too pretty to survive living in a cardboard box for long. Not even taking into account my MMO addictions.

"Yah, thanks," I nodded. "You can help unpack if you really want, but if you need to head out I can take it from here."

Nodding silently, Jiro levered himself off the wall and headed for the door. We hadn't bothered taking our outdoor shoes off since we'd been going in and out so much, so it was only a moment before he was heading through the door, pausing in the doorway.

"Later," he called to where I'd started opening a box, and I gave a halfhearted wave in return as the door clicked behind him.

—————————-

I'd more or less finished up with the easy stuff when there was a rapid, furtive knocking on my door that night.

Grumbling, I ignored it figuring nobody I wanted to talk to could possibly want to see me this late. But it kept going, and going, and finally I cursed and went to the peephole.

Greeting me there was a figure wearing an actual, factual, hooded black wool cloak in spite of the Sumner weather. Pulled low to shadow their face in the overhead hall lights.

"You're a long way from Mordor, Ringwraith." I snarked, not bothering to hide a chuckle "And this sure ain't the Shire. Get lost." Turning away from the door with a snort, I started walking back to hooking up my PC when a voice stopped me cold.

"Kazuma Sato?" a clear, pleasantly female voice asked. "I come bearing a message. May I enter?"

"Great." I sighed, "Not even a day and already crazies. Who's asking?" I called louder. Say what you want, this was the first conversation with a woman I'd had that wasn't related or tech support in ages. I was willing to humor her a bit.

"My name will mean nothing to you, but I am Iris Stylish Sword Belzerg, First of her name, Queen of that land."

Oh, I was so glad I didn't chase her away. This was already way more entertaining than replaying Skies of Arcadia like I'd been planning. As long as she stayed on the far side of a sturdy door, anyway.

"Oh, do forgive me, your majesty. I didn't recognize you incognito. Do overlook my impudence." I replied in my best courtly voice, though I admit cracking up in snickers at the end probably ruined it.

"I'd hardly expect any different from you, given your well known foibles, Trashzuma." she replied archly. "At least my undergarments are still intact."

"Lady, I've never met you in my life. I was willing to play pretend for a bit, but if you're looking for a fight I'm not dealing with you, the police can handle your crazy ass."

"Do as you must, but first, let me tell you a story…."

Iris' turn

For my 20th birthday I received the crown of my kingdom, retrieved from my brother fallen in battle, and a dream I hardly dared believe was real.

Starting the night of my coronation, I received a series of dreams, visions of a past that never was. In them I was again 12 years old, still First Princess and living mostly secluded in the palace. One day, I made a trip to reward a group of rising star adventurers in what once was Axel. They had gained fame by defeating Generals Sylvia, Velda, and Hans as well as laying low the Destroyer itself and my father thought it past time such a promising group was recognized for their service and received a suitable reward.

I was just excited to be leaving not only the palace, but the capital itself for the first time in years. The coach ride to Axel was probably dreadfully boring for my attendants and guards, but I couldn't have been more excited at so many new things as they passed my window on the way.

After arriving at the estate of our hosts, the Dustiness', I soon met the quartet who had accomplished so much. It was…an exciting experience, to my chief bodyguard Claire's dismay. None of them were anything like the people I'd met before. Even my long time acquaintance Lady Lalatina, or Darkness as she preferred when adventuring, had her hands full managing such colorful personalities.

From the arch wizard Megumin who proved that every story I'd ever heard about the Crimson Demon Clan was Eris' own truth no matter how exaggerated I'd thought them before. To Archpriestess Aqua of the Axis cult, who embodied both the best traits of her sect in her forthrightness and willingness to extend a hand to anyone no matter their station, as well as their worst. And finally, Kazuma Sato, the Adventurer class whom I'd assumed was merely there to support the amazing people around him. But proved to not only be the leader of the group but a man of accomplishments and skill in his own right.

They, and especially he, were like nothing I'd ever seen before, and I am ashamed to say I abused the power I wielded even then to temporarily abduct Kazuma to hear the rest of his stories.

Scandalized as my attendants and staff were at taking in as guest someone of such insignificant birth, I eventually had to send him home. But even then, he worked his apparently one of a kind magic one last time, thwarting a plot that would have placed an imposter in the line of succession. And sealing his place among the people I cherished most.

I awoke at that point, with no idea whatsoever how to interpret what I'd seen. Axel had been gone for years, leveled by the Destroyer, though the Hero Kyouya Mitsurugi had indeed later vanquished it. I knew Lalatina had briefly been an adventurer before she grudgingly married, and had been acting head of her family for years though the Duke was still far from feeble. Arcanretia was a shell of what it had been. The combined efforts of the Axis cult barely enough to purify the once famous hot springs enough to make it livable again, never mind a health resort. The Crimson Demons as a whole had fared better, they seemed impossible to kill off and thank the Goddess for it. Chief Yunyun was shocked to hear I'd even heard of her lost childhood friend when I discreetly inquired about her, though it was easy enough to dissemble as a search for casters of Explosion magic. Likewise, the Adventurer's guild had no records of all of any adventurers registered under the name Aqua ever. Likewise anyone with the full name Kazuma Sato, though several over the years had had one name or the other.

I'd been prepared to write the whole thing off as a grief induced escape from reality, but later that week I received another dream.

This one picked up where the previous one left off, detailing the further accomplishments of the unlikely heroes. From thwarting a disastrous marriage for the heir to the Ducal house of Dustiness. To saving a border fortress on the brink of destruction and turning the tables on General Wolbach in the process. To assisting me in securing Elroad's continued support for the war. Again and again they brought to heel one general after another.

One could almost think the hand of the divine was at work in their, his, success against any sane expectations, but here the proof stood for all to see. And when in desperation the Demon King's field army set out on one last campaign to settle the war once and for all, he and his companions took advantage to set out on a daring mission far into enemy territory. To the fiend's lair itself to bring him down at last. Disposing of one final general on the way for good measure, a trifling affair by that point apparently.

And once again, in spite of all that should have made success impossible, unthinkable, even laughable, they triumphed.

He triumphed.

The Royal Family of Belzerg has long had a tradition that the greatest heroes in the land are offered the chance to wed into the line. After besting the Demon King in single combat, that title belonged to Kazuma Sato both by weight of deeds and general acclaim. And by that time he had gone from a curiosity, to my first and best friend, to my first love. I would have skipped down the aisle if he was at the end of it.

But I was only 13 at the time, and he had someone else besides. Betrothals could have been made and the wedding postponed. The power of the Royal family meant 'arranging' for my supplanting any other claimant would be barely an inconvenience.

I never even considered it.

His intended was a dear friend of mine and sometime party member. Breaking faith with her would have ruined too much between us, even if she might have publicly swallowed her discontent and cheered the union for the good of the realm.

So he married the year after the war ended and did his best to fade into an obscure, quiet retirement with his by then substantial business interests to keep him occupied. And I married for reasons of state a few years later, making it my goal to be content with the life Eris had given me, and called any lingering regrets the price of the peace won at such cost.

I awoke again, this time convinced that either I was truly going mad, as sometimes happened in times such as these. Or that I was in the grip of something far greater than myself.

Hoping against hope for the latter, I tasked the archivists with unearthing anything relevant to the strangers that sometimes appeared among us, usually carrying tools or abilities of immense power. With those results in hand, I summoned the greatest magical adepts in my service and set them one priority for the next three years.

Find the Hero we so desperately needed, and deliver him to his true home.

———————————

There was a long, long silence from the other side of the door, then I heard a bitter laugh.

"Lady, you're in the wrong business if you're using THAT as an opening pitch for your cult. Do it L Ron Hubbard style, maybe hire a ghostwriter to polish it up, and get it published. You're sitting on a gold mine."

"I'm flattered you approve. But I believe I've stood outside long enough. So unless you would rather discuss why you think 'Holo' is overrated as a waifu, or I demonstrate the Secret Sato Technique for carving a Bamboo Dragonfly, I'd much prefer we continue this indoors."

I was slightly afraid I'd pushed too far there in my excitement. I did have several more tidbits to prove my bona fides if need be, but the man was clearly, rightly, suspicious and evading the town watch here would be a chore. Not to mention a waste of my limited time in this world.

Finally, the lock clicked. The door cracked open, a chain between it and the frame preventing it from opening more than a handspan. And so, I got my first look at what had become an achingly familiar green eye and jawline in one life, and a patch of brown hair I decided I'd like to finally run fingers through at some point in this one.

Flipping back my hood I gave a curtsy befitting my training, and enjoyed his wide eyed surprise at seeing my face for the first time.

He unlatched the door and opened it all the way much more quickly this time, then gestured me inside.

Chapter Text

Kazuma’s turn

As my new guest entered the door, she handed me her cloak. ‘Iris’ turned out to be a grad school aged woman a bit shorter than me with long braided blonde hair and big, clear, blue eyes. Glancing further down, I noticed she was wearing a white thigh length tunic with a brown leather belt cinched around her waist, and some sort of blue tights tucked into knee high brown leather boots.

NICE boots.

I went through a cosplay phase, or more accurately I followed a lot of Insta accounts of cosplayers who were willing to work what they had to buff their follower numbers. Those boots probably cost more than my apartment’s rent. Not many cosplayers would be willing to drop that much on one part of a costume, especially since with the shape and all the hand tooling on the leather these looked more like cavalry boots than something you’d wear on the street normally.

I draped the cloak over a stack of boxes I hadn’t unpacked yet, and turned back to Iris. Surprisingly for an apparent westerner, she balanced on one foot and started pulling her boots off at the door without being asked.

Correction to my previous description. My new, smokin' hot guest.

Like I said, in bare feet she stood a few centimeters or so shorter than me, about average for a girl. But the sleeveless tunic showed off the kind of muscle definition a fitness model would’ve been proud of in her arms. Unlike most of them though, she still had plenty of curves for her tightly cinched belt and snug top and tights to show off, a real ‘medium is premium’ kind of build that I could definitely appreciate.

Wriggling her toes on freeing them, she gave me another smile and tilted her head further inside.

“OH! Right! Please come in, sit anywhere. I’m still unpacking but I think I have tea around here somewhere…”

“Thank you, I’d love a drink. You are not an easy man to find, Kazuma Sato. I spent most of today chasing you from one end of this city to the other.” She gazed out the window I hadn’t closed the curtains on yet, at the lights of the little town I called home. “No wonder you have those magic carriages to take you everywhere, you’d take all day otherwise.”

“This place is nothing, look up pictures of Tokyo sometime.” I had to give her credit, whatever her deal was she was definitely leaning into her role playing.

Luckily, I’d made a trip to the convenience store so I had some barley tea in the fridge and some plastic cups and plates until I bought actual dishes. Gods, yet another thing to deal with.

“Here you go,” I set a cup in front of Iris, who had perched herself in my computer chair at the desk, and took mine with me as I sat on my folded up futon across from her.

“So, before we go any further I should probably show you some proof of what I am,” Iris began after a sip from her cup, frowning curiously at it. “Not what I expected when you said tea, but quite nice,” she commented offhandedly. “Right, proof. That portrait across from me, is it valuable?”

The ‘portrait’ was a Metal Gear wall scroll I’d gotten as a freebie with the game preorder. “I think I gave an extra 800 yen for the preorder bundle it came with, but why…?”

Before I could even think of finishing the sentence she snapped out a word I’d never heard before. With a shriek like ripping canvas a ripple of something crossed the room in the blink of an eye.

The bottom half of the scroll fluttered to the floor.

I stared for a long moment, then slowly turned to Iris.

She stared back, a small penknife in one outstretched hand pointed at my ex-decoration. She hadn’t moved a millimeter from the chair, her drink still in her other hand barely had a ripple on the surface. The paint on the wall behind the scroll wasn’t even marked.

My mouth opened and closed like a dying fish, words flatly refusing to come to me even more than usual interacting with a pretty girl. She inclined her head in a little bow and put away her knife. “Apologies for damaging your home. I needed to make my point as clearly as possible. You realized I’m no charlatan now, I hope?”

“Oh…oh yeah…” I answered weakly.

“Good! Then we can move on to my offer,” she smiled brightly, taking another sip of tea before leaning back in the chair. “Based on the, call it a prophecy I suppose, I received on my coronation day you were supposed to be instrumental in permanently ending a war that had sputtered off and on for generations. Instead, more than a decade has passed with no end in sight. Though you don’t appear to be nearly thirty, unless your people age much differently.”

“I turned twenty just today,” I admitted. “You said you were thirteen in those dreams, so I guess time moves differently here than…your home.” I finished lamely, trying not to let on I’d forgotten where that was in all the ‘excitement’.

“Belzerg, and perhaps you have it right.” Iris nodded. “No matter. Unfortunately, my time spent trying to track you down has used up too much of the mana keeping me in this world to bring you back with me, but perhaps that is for the best. Instead, with the time I do have I ought to tell you what you would be expected to do, and of course your reward for doing so.”

I’ll admit it proudly, I’m not hero material. I’ve fantasized about it as much as anyone else who survived puberty, but at heart I’ve always believed that adventure is a pretty word for when you’re in deep shit and far from help. NOT something you go out looking for. Jumping head first into a war that had been going on longer than the average lifetime had all the hallmarks of an incredibly painful, messy, probably bloody nightmare that I’d regret going anywhere near.

I almost told her if I wanted to commit suicide I’d take a leap off the balcony to save trouble, before showing her the door.

But.

She’d been talking while I’d been spinning in circles inside my own head, I tuned back in as she finished talking about levels and skills like she lived in a Dragon Quest knockoff.

“Finally, you can hardly be expected to fight alone, so I should mention the companions you would work alongside.” She cleared her throat and if anything looked a little embarrassed as she raised several fingers. “The Crusader I had initially chosen has recently gotten herself pregnant, again, so I shall be taking the role temporarily until we find a suitable replacement. My class is Swordmaster so I assure you I’m well capable of the role. Next,” she lowered another finger, “We have the Archwizard of the party as well as our foremost expert in demonology, Komekko of the Crimson Demon Clan. And finally, our Erisite Archpriestess and mistress of clerical magic Lady Sylphina of House Dustiness.”

“Wait, wait,” I held up a hand. “But, you’re the queen? Ah, your majesty?” I hastily added on, realizing belatedly I should probably have been using a bit of respect with the sexy murder machine in front of me.

“Iris is fine, or Alice actually. I’ll be traveling under that name and one of my minor titles. Lady Alice if you absolutely must,” she smiled charmingly. “And I have two very capable stewards who are more than able to keep things running while I’m out. Have no fear.”

She rose to her feet. “My time grows short, so I shall take my leave for now. It will take up to a week on my side to recharge the transfer ritual and send me back across, so about two days on this side apparently. Do take that time to think over my offer.” She made for the door, pulling on her boots and grabbing her cloak as I scrambled to my feet, then turned with another bright, lively smile on her way out the door. “See you soon!”

The door closed with a clack of the latch behind her, and the patter of hurried footsteps faded down the hall.

Huh. That was not remotely how I was expecting this night to go. The best I was hoping for was some ramen and my inaugural beer at the local pub, followed by a night exploring an old favorite game. Not an engraved invitation to another world.

While pondering just what to make of all this, there was a solid thumping and a demanding voice at my door like something out of a cop show.

“Kazuma Sato! I would speak with you at once!” A very different female voice demanded. My neighbors were definitely going to be complaining about me already, I just knew it.


Seresdina’s Turn

For my, let’s not worry about the number, birthday I received a blessing from my goddess Regina, glory to her name, warning of a doom yet to come.

I was, and am, a general in the service of the King of All Demons, trusted with the infiltration and subversion of the nations opposing us. In this vision I had carried out my duty faithfully and well, in spite of the worrying losses among my colleagues in the two years prior.

Then came the order to investigate the reports of a new rising star among the adventurers based out of Axel of all places. On arriving, I established myself as a cleric by healing the injured of the city free of charge, and in turn making them indebted to me. Thus laying the groundwork for a force of future pawns if needed. This too proceeded according to plan, with the useful side benefit of humiliating the previous top Archpriestess of the town in the process.

I had little trouble learning the name, habits, and residence of the so-called ‘rising star’ one Kazuma Sato, Adventurer class. Leader of a party of misfits and walking character flaws that put even me aback. I nearly abandoned the mission then and there and wrote the whole exercise off as a mistake. It wouldn’t be the first time the earnest desire for a champion had created one out of nothing, nor would it be the last.

Still, I consider myself a professional and we have standards, so I arranged a private meeting with him away from his party to sound him out personally. A mere weak kneed pretender to glory was no more a threat to me than the roaches in the alleyway we met in.

Until HE showed up. Vanir, Duke of Hell and a long dead colleague, had not only not died, but turned traitor. Worse yet, he wasn’t the only former colleague in the town.

No matter, my business was concluded and Kazuma Sato had proven to be no particular threat. Merely a lucky fool who managed to be at the right place and time.

A lucky fool, who apparently had an axe to grind with me about his useless cleric getting shown up as she deserved and his comrades expressing their newfound loyalty to me.

It started with minor provocations, the occasional humiliating incident. My goddess’ domains are manipulation, and vengeance. I had no compunction about using both to bring him down after he took one step too far over the line.

The incidents the Adventurer staged were not merely petty revenge, they were tests, exploring the limits of my abilities. And when I finally took his will for my own out of sheer frustration with dealing with him, the jaws of his trap snapped shut.

I awoke in a cold sweat, memories of decades of servitude to the cult of the useless cleric I’d humiliated fresh in my mind.

I wanted to scoff at myself once I thought it over in the cold light of day. All but one of the generals I’d seen fall, and in a few cases even mourned, were still very much with us. Vanir hadn’t been heard from in years, but he supplied the castle barrier so he was clearly alive and well, or as alive as it was possible for him to be. Beldia had died in action years ago, but nowhere near Axel. The others had if not covered themselves with glory at least managed not to get killed by the equivalent of tripping on their way out of the bath.

Still.

Not long afterwards, word reached my ears of a new, very secret, and scarcely sane project underway in Belzerg. Otherworlders had been arriving in this world for all of living memory. A few of them even ended up in our service, willingly or not. But to seek out and summon one in particular? I sought out further details, and after expending more in the way of coin and contacts than was perhaps wise my blood ran cold at what they sought.

Kazuma Sato, Hero of Belzerg. Herald of my fall.

And so I too began collecting information. Precise details of Belzerg’s project were scanty, but in my fellow generals and subordinates were some of the foremost mystical scholars of the age. It occupied far more of my time than I’d ever have willingly given, and my other duties no doubt suffered for it, but as Belzerg’s project raced to completion so did our own.

And so here I stood. In the birth world of so many would be thorns in our side. Outside a truly massive collection of dwellings contained in a building that for all its stark lack of decoration would have commanded respect for sheer size if nothing else at home.

At my summons, I heard a chillingly familiar grumble on the other side of the door. The eye that looked through the gap in the door was the same green as those that haunted my nightmares, though the face was a little older, the hair a little longer, some stubble on his chin now.

Gathering my will around me like the cloak I wore, I drew breath to begin my prepared speech…

“Gods above, is there a convention in town I don’t know about? If you’re looking for the other Ringwraith she just left thataway.”


Kazuma’s turn

My new guest didn’t think I was funny.

She flipped back her hood with a jerk, revealing short black hair, jet black eyes, and a slightly older face than Iris. Her most prominent features being one mole below her left eye and the furious expression she was giving me.

“Jest all you want, Sato. I have an offer you’d very much like to accept. May I enter?”

“Depends. The last person in a cloak I let in here destroyed my artwork and claimed she was a queen. What’s your deal?”

“I am Seresdina, priestess of the dark goddess Regina, General in the host of the King of All Demons, and speaking in his name-” the possible nut at my door replied grandly “-and I carry both a message from his majesty and a gift of his esteem.”

“That’s not an incentive for me to open this door, no matter how hot you are. I’m assuming you waited until Iris left before coming here, and that’s not filling me with trust either,” I observed.

Seresdina smirked a thin little smile. “Very well, here.” Her cloak rippled as she removed something from inside it. A small ornamental brooch, with a spike on the back like a safety pin. She held it out in one hand at the gap in the door. “Take it, and poke my hand enough to draw blood.” I considered it for a moment, then told her to wait a moment and relocked the door. After rooting in my desk for a box knife, I opened it again to find her waiting with a wider smirk on her lips. “You always were a cautious one,” she said with a tiny hint of approval, and held out her hand again. Shrugging, I did as she asked, a matching cut appeared on my own hand causing me to drop the knife with a curse. She spoke a quick word I didn’t catch, and both our wounds vanished just as quickly.

“Since you’ve already met Iris, you must know that had I wished it I could have blasted you out of your socks when you answered the door just as easily. Now then, shall we be civilized about this, or not?”

Put that way, I opened the door and let her in.

Seresdina breezed through the door, handing me her cloak on the way. She was definitely older than Iris, probably in her 30s. She wore a long sleeved dress in white with gray trim belted at her waist. A red panel with a double row of buttons down the front nicely highlighted a bit more plush figure, not surprising for a priestess rather than a warrior princess.

I half expected her to kick off her boots as well, but she strode on into the kitchen nook before turning to face me. With a frown, I followed her.

“My offer is simple,” Seresdina began. She removed a bag half the size of my head from a satchel at her waist, pouring it partway out on the kitchen counter with a clatter of silver coins.

I’m not up on exchange rates, but there were at least 30 coins scattered on the counter and they looked about twice the size of a 500 yen coin. Quite a bit of cash, in short.

“You have my full attention,” I replied, any irritation long forgotten.

“Outstanding. There’s this much, every month, for you. Delivered by the succubus of your choice. If, and only if, you reject Queen Iris’ offer and remain here. The only thing we ask of you in return, is that you live a long, healthy, happy, long life here in Japan.”

“You mentioned long twice.”

“Because it's that important,” Seresdina replied hastily. “I’ve no doubt Queen Iris gave you an impassioned plea for aid, but I doubt she mentioned what happens to you after you accept. Tell me, what would you guess the survival rate is like for new adventurers?”

I actually hadn’t thought of that, so I shrugged. “She came in person, so it's got to be quite a while to be worth the trouble for her.”

“Six weeks.” Seresdina replied. At my look of blatant disbelief she smiled grimly. “Oh yes, those figures are from the Kingdom’s own archives, feel free to ask her majesty. Within six weeks of arriving in Belzerg, the majority of otherworlders have either died, been crippled beyond healing magic’s abilities, and/or chosen a different profession. Some do go on to become wealthy and famous throughout the land, of course. But,” she gave a dark little chuckle “-let’s just say my colleagues and I do everything in our power to make sure the odds are against that, hm?”

I think it was the sheer lack of care or concern in her expression that sold me on her telling the truth. Seresdina didn’t try to intimidate me, or threaten me into taking her bribe. She just laid out the numbers and let them speak for themselves. I’d kind of assumed that I’d be taking my life in my hands by accepting Iris’ offer, but I hadn’t thought I’d be throwing it away.

She must have read that in my expression because she continued softly, almost kindly. “You have a comfortable, safe, wealthy, and even pleasurable life ahead of you here. Don’t give it up for people you’ve never met in a place you’ve never heard of. Be smart about this.”

She brushed past me on the way to the door, taking her cloak up as she passed. “The talisman in the bag will anchor you from any attempt to transport you from this world. Simply wear it, and no one else will be able to touch you or bring you across to Belzerg.”

“One thing.” I said to her back as she shrugged into her cloak. “Could I get the next month’s payment in advance? And also, I’d like you to deliver it.”

She stiffened, looking slowly back over her shoulder at me with a gaze that could’ve melted stone. “Be very careful about your next words, boy.”

“No, no! I’m not asking for…succubus things.” I waved frantically to dispel the thought. “I’d just prefer the next deal to be with someone I’ve met at least. Though since you mention it, do you have a list of which ones are available?” I asked hopefully.

She gave me a flat, slightly disgusted look, which was at least an improvement on imminent murder. “No, but I shall bring one with me next time. Is this time three days hence acceptable?”

“Totally, thank you.” I bowed in appreciation, and she returned a nod of her own and left me with more money than I’d ever seen at once and questions to answer.

Chapter Text

Kazuma’s turn

Morning came early, and I was up to see the sunrise for probably the first time in years. I went to the local jeweler first thing after grabbing a random sample out of the bag of silver still in my apartment, and sure enough General Bitchesdina was on the level. The coins really were nearly pure silver, and by a rough guess the rest of them in that bag alone would pay my rent for a year if I could fence them quietly.

So now I was out at a local family restaurant, waiting for the deluxe lunch combo while I mulled over my options.

Iris was practically handing me a chance to be a fantasy hero, and with national support that most adventurers probably never got I could skip over most of the annoying grindy bits and get right into the actual plot. On top of that, I could shake the dust of this town off my feet for good. No more parents constantly dumping on me about why I wasn’t Jiro and why I didn’t have any honor as the eldest son. No more knowing I was nothing but a statistic in a spreadsheet in some government office. A nobody now and forever with nothing to look forward to and trying to bury it in games, porn, and forums.

No more living a safe, comfortable life in a country that hadn’t been to war in 80 years. And no matter how fancy Iris’ palace was, I’d bet every silver in that bag there wasn’t anything like fiber or Wifi, I’d be lucky if they had flush toilets. Speaking of, no more being fairly certain I wasn’t going to die of a horrible disease this year, Iris had admitted healing magic didn’t work on infections after all.

Not even counting the whole succubus delivery service perk, I’d be lying if I wasn’t really curious about that. I could think of quite a few scenarios from ‘various sources’ I’d love to try out in 3D. And while the general might’ve had a lousy sales pitch, I certainly didn’t have to like her in order to like taking her money.

After lunch, I hopped the bus back to my apartment and spent the rest of the day fooling around online. Mostly checking silver prices and where I might have good odds of cashing in my pay without tax collectors or worse breathing down my neck. Between that, talking Jiro into meeting me for dinner for once, and doing a little shopping for things I’d had on my wishlist for ages I had a great time the next couple of days until my next payment arrived.

It was that evening, as I had just finished up my takeout noodles, when a raven landed on my windowsill and started pecking at the window insistently.

Shaking my head, I opened up to let it in. Instead of the message I’d half expected to find tied to one leg, it spoke with Seresdina’s voice. “I have arrived with the balance of your payment. Meet me at the park three streets north of here in a quarter hour. Wear the talisman,” it informed me in clipped, precise sentences. “Understood, the park three blocks north in 15 minutes,” I replied and turned away, expecting it to leave after delivering its message. Instead, it only stared at my back, then cawed indignantly and fluttered after me.

“Shoo! Fuck off! I said I’m on my way!” I shouted back, batting at it as it tried to land on my shoulder. It didn’t give up on trying, but I finally did and let it do what it wanted. So I pulled on my shoes and made sure I had my phone, wallet and key before heading outside looking like half an Odin cosplay. The damned raven seemed to preen while balancing on me.

Seresdina’s turn

Kazuma arrived almost on time, glancing nervously around the well lit space as he approached me.

“That will do,” I spoke, dismissing my familiar as he closed to a few paces away. “Turn around please,” I continued. Seeing he was wearing the talisman around his neck, and had it securely clasped at the back, I breathed a quiet sigh as the tension receded from me in a wave. It was done. He would never be able to cross the void to threaten me, or us, again.

“Excellent. You’ve upheld your half of the bargain, so I shall do the same. Payment as agreed, in full.” I picked up the satchel of silver resting at my feet, and stepped forward far enough to hand it over when he waved a hand.

“Wait, wait, I…” he let out a thunderous sneeze, followed by another. After he recovered, he pulled out a bottle of some sort. “Sorry, I should have clean hands for this. Tradition when you’re doing a business deal here. Just a sec.”

I eyed him carefully, but all he did was spray out something from the bottle and rub it on his hands. “Ok, good to go. Want to try some? It’s got aloe.”

“Thank you, no,” I replied, really wanting this to be over with. I’d already burned most of a day on this between the time difference and the ritual prep, enough was enough. “If you’re quite ready, here.”

“Sure, thanks.” Kazuma replied, placing the bottle back in his pocket and extending his hands to take the bag. “Oh shit, hang on I…” he twitched like he had another sneeze coming, but before I reacted to back up a wave of red hot agony overwhelmed my eyes and sinuses, as though I was breathing inside a roaring hearth.

I heard indistinct screaming that might have been mine, or his, or even both as I found myself on the ground.

‘That BASTARD’ was all I could barely think, unable to even summon a spell as my tears only seemed to spread the agony around further instead of wash it away. Even through the pain I felt a massive source of magic approaching for a second before I felt the cold click of bindings around my wrists and a voice, with a smile so poisonous I could hear it, said:

“Good evening, General.”

Iris’ turn

Binoculars, I decided, were going to be the first thing I had my craftsmen make when I got home. Not as good as Farsight to be sure, but usable by anyone. Most of my generals couldn’t access that skill in any case and would appreciate a nice upgrade from a spyglass. They brought the scene into sharp relief before my eyes as Kazuma stepped into the park about 400 paces ahead of me while I camped on the roof of what seemed to be a truly enormous general store of some sort. Though it was covered with gravel for some odd reason. As the scene played out, I tensed as Kazuma replaced the first container, the actual lotion, in his pocket and walked towards Seresdina. A second sneeze, this time the other container, and…

As the screams echoed through the stillness of the evening and the pair hit the ground, I took my cue to race in and seal the actual deal being conducted. I hopped the low wall surrounding the roof and kicked away from the front of the store on the way down. Hitting the ground three floors below with a forward roll, I was on my feet and at a full sprint before I heard the first shout of alarm from a shopper on the sidewalk behind me. A good runner could make the distance I’d need to go in about a minute, probably enough time for Seresdina to at least start recovering.

The Royal House of Belzerg stays the royal house because we’ve married heroes into our line enough times to produce the finest warriors with the highest stats the kingdom has to offer. I was on her in 10 seconds.

“Good evening, General.” I greeted my mortal enemy with utmost courtesy as I slapped several handcuffs on her wrists and ankles before stuffing a gag between her teeth. “Do bear with me a moment.” I unclipped the necklace from around Kazuma’s neck and placed it on Seresdina, removing the mana storage device at her belt at the same time. Then I dragged her behind a hedgerow out of easy sight from the street once I was sure the talisman activated.

Leaving her for the moment, I hurried over to Kazuma, who looked like he’d suffered an acidic radish attack with how reddened and inflamed his eyes and nose were, and helped him sit up. I went to pour out my canteen over his face but he must have had enough sight to bat my hand away.

“Nuwwatah, nuwwatah,” Kazuma moaned out. Spitting to one side, he then blew out his nose on a sleeve while keeping his eyes tightly clenched shut. Finally, he must have recovered enough to be a little more coherent. “No water, it just spreads it around,” he croaked. “And it's coming from her, it won’t help anyway.”

Briefly, I thought about testing that idea out on the good general. But she seemed to be recovering as well already judging by the muffled, probably obscene, commentary coming from around her gag.

“Oh go to hell, and tell your two copper goddess she’s next!” I snarled back. “Kazuma, can you move? We probably attracted way too much attention for this part of town.”

“Yeah,” he said with an awful wheeze. “Gonna have to.” I grabbed him under one shoulder and raised him to his feet to hobble away, pausing to grab up the other half of the payment of course.

Judging by the higher pitch of the muffled screaming coming from the ex-general, she knew what I planned to do with her. I knew bits of her story of course, the other Kazuma had shared pieces of it at one time or another, though never when he was sober. Even he wasn’t particularly proud of how she ended up.

Penniless. Powerless. Helpless. Hopeless.

And now in addition, abandoned alone in a world that she had no understanding of or place in, with no way to return.

As we turned the corner and headed for the bus station I spared a glance over my shoulder, checking my work. Seresdina was invisible and inaudible from the street as I hoped. While someone might have called the watch…or rather the police as they were called here, no one seemed to be investigating directly. With any luck at all she wouldn’t be found before morning. Without the device storing mana to use her skills or power her return trip, even the death curse of her goddess would fade by then.

I nodded to myself, satisfied. A queen’s duty was to remove threats to her subjects’ safety by any means necessary, and she’d soon be no threat to anyone at all besides those who had to listen to her raving.

We reached the nearby bus station and its bathroom and I cleaned Kazuma up as best I could before paying for a ticket across town.

While we seemed to glide along at an incredible speed and smoothness compared to the common carriages I was used to outside the most important of royal travels, I smiled at the man beside me.

I’d met him in his apartment that morning, apparently learning to fry an egg by trial and a lot of error judging by the pile of eggshells and lack of anything edible to show for it.

“Good morning, your majesty.” my hopefully soon to be vassal greeted me as he opened the door.

“What have I said about that?” I replied, before breezing through and slamming to a halt with a strangled squeak.

Clearly visible on the counter was an open bag of silver coins I certainly hadn’t brought and an incredibly gaudy choker necklace. And that was the exact moment I started cursing myself for a fool, before turning to pin him with a glare that had made dukes sweat in the past.

“When,” I asked flatly.

“Just after you left, she was probably waiting for you to go. Somebody called Seresdina if that makes any difference.”

It certainly did. It would be her. “I see. And you’re hoping I can out bid her. Well, out with it.” I demanded, hands on hips. I could guess what a demon’s lapdog would offer, calling attention there couldn’t hurt.

“Ah, actually…” he began.

“A sack of gold that size would be substantial. But I hope you realize that while that seems like a lot of money for one person, it's pocket change for the royal budget. You want one of those a week? Done.” I continued forcefully, not giving him a chance to regain his balance. “What else did she offer?”

“She really didn’t…” he tried to hedge, but I wasn’t having it.

“Do you want a competitive offer or not? Speak!”

“Fine!” he threw up his hands and hoped for the best. “She offered me that silver every month delivered by whatever succubus or succubi I had a taste for!”

There was an awkward silence. Awkward and pregnant even. Possibly with kittens.

“That…isn’t out of possibility.” I replied slowly, hesitantly. I was a 23 year old woman who’d gone through the usual bridal training and even been engaged at one point. But one of the really annoying things about my situation was that I was also sharing space in my head with crystal clear memories of a sheltered, barely teenage girl. Who only recently learned it took more than kisses to make babies, and who’s instinctive response to her first love slipping away was GO HARDER. “We don't have succubi of course, but they only provide dreams anyway I’m told. If you want the real experience I’m sure I can arrange something…” I clenched my hands behind me and did my best to pretend I didn’t have a bit more red in my cheeks than the summer heat could account for. This was REALLY not what I wanted to be discussing when he barely knew me, but I’d come here willing to open the honeypot even if my pride had demanded at least trying a carrot first.

“I have something in mind, if you’re interested in hearing it,” he began with as much nonchalance as he could muster. Not much, which was actually a bit of a relief. At least he hadn’t become a playboy in the extra time here.

I nodded him to continue, making sure not to look him in the eyes too much.

“It's simple, I’d like to take the rest of today and go on a date. With you, doing everything I have planned for us.” he said in a rush.

“Fine. I suppose the chance to see another world is once in a lifetime, I shouldn’t miss it if at all possible. Especially with a guide.” I agreed immediately. Thank Eris that’s all he wanted, or so I told myself at the time.

“Good! Great!” he replied, and slipped past me to the box still serving as clothes storage. “I’ll get ready and we can head out. Nagano is about an hour by train, but Seresdina isn’t due to arrive until this evening so we’ve got all day to get ready for her. Plenty of time!”

“For what?” I asked suspiciously. “We can be long gone before she arrives, even with this ‘date’ of yours. This time I have more than enough mana in storage to bring us both over for hours yet.”

“Well, I was planning to sign on with you either way, but since you upped your offer I’m feeling a little more motivated now. How do you feel about having one less general to deal with on the other side?”

A brilliant smile bloomed on my face before I could even hope to stop it. I wouldn’t have tried for worlds.

The train ride into Nagano city was an eye opener, no matter how I tried to hide it. When he’d told me we were only an hour away I assumed it was just the next town over, but once we were aboard whisking down the rails I couldn’t help turning in disbelief.

“Exactly how far are we going that something this fast needs an hour to get there? Belzerg is over a week’s travel by coach, this could cross in under a day!”

“We’re about 40km outside Nagano City itself, call it two day’s travel on foot. I need to find a few things here I couldn’t get in time at home, so let's get some lunch when we get to the city since I just spent the morning proving I can’t cook to save my soul.”

Incredible. An hour to cross two days’ walking. An army stationed in the capital could be at the border practically instantly, no need to station garrisons on the frontier and hope they could hold out until help arrived. A warning screen of riders to send a message back would be more than enough, and practically our full strength could be concentrated and sent wherever we needed it in one hammer blow. Other heroes had described such things but hadn’t been able to provide details, only now was it blindingly obvious what sort of advantage this alone could be.

I tried not to spend the rest of the trip glued to the window watching the scenery, but it seemed like around every bend was something new to decipher. Hopefully he thought it was cute, because I’m certain I gawked like a peasant with manure still between her toes on her first city visit a few times.

We pulled into the station around the third bell at home judging by the sun, pushing through the start of the lunchtime crowd outside. It wasn’t a holiday thankfully, but it was definitely tight so I was glad he took my hand and led us through to what looked like a fairly nice eatery not far from the station.

The greeter gave us a funny look as he led us to a table and I couldn’t blame him. Kazuma blended in dressed in new khaki short pants and a green button up shirt, while I was in the same out of place outfit as last time.

“I guess that reminds me, we should probably get you some local clothes so you blend in better,” he started off while I swirled the ice in my water glass. “I think there’s a store around here, and we’ve got the budget.”

“You’d likely be taken more seriously exchanging any silver if I did,” I agreed readily. “I can’t say I’ve ever been shopping for my own clothing though, merchants always brought wares to the palace and my governess did most of the purchases. Another new experience to add to my list,” I grinned a little in excitement. “But as I’m totally unfamiliar with the food in this land I’ll leave the honors to you. I’m sure my native guide won’t disappoint me?”

His thoughts were plain as day. Sure, satisfy a royal palate with cuisine she’d never heard of. No pressure.

But I was planning to be kind to him. Even the food in nearby Elroad when I’d gone to confirm my short lived engagement to Prince Ravi, and later pick up the pieces when his dynasty fell, had been decidedly strange. That was part of the fun of traveling.

“Right…well I’m told the pizza is the best in town, and the lasagna is almost as good. I think if we get those we shouldn’t go wrong,” he decided. The waitress came and took our orders not long afterwards, and then we got down to business.

“So, Seresdina.” I began, idly twisting off a bit of grilled garlic bread. “I don’t mind telling you she’s the most annoying of the generals to deal with. Her ability to cause whatever harm she suffers to show up on her attacker as well makes her nearly impossible to kill. Anyone who is sufficiently determined to give their own life would only trigger her death curse and doom whomever was nearby alongside her. Needless to say she takes full advantage of it, she’s never been seen outside a well populated area,” I finished bitterly. “That on top of her undoubted abilities as an Archpriestess.”

“I knew about the injury thing, but taking out a bunch of hostages too…” he grimaced. “Just things that actually hurt her? Like if you tied her up or something you don’t magically get tied up too right?”

“As far as we know,” I agreed. The slice of garlic bread I’d started with had long since vanished, joined by two of its comrades while we were talking without my knowledge or consent. Maybe this was going to be better than I was afraid of after all… “But remember she is still a very high level Archpriestess, and no one who survives as a general in the Demon King’s host is a fool. He has a short way with failures and incompetents.”

“Makes sense. So catching her by surprise and just having you ambush her is out.”

“She’d sense me coming and be able to attack or run long before I could get close enough to subdue her. We’ve tried before, everything from poisoned arrows to physically trapping her in a basement and evacuating.”

“And here she is, like that annoying song about the cat that came back. So we need you to be far enough away that she can’t sense you, and unless she’s a total idiot she’s not going to tell me where to meet her until the very last minute. So no putting you a few blocks away ahead of time and waiting. I’ll need to tell you exactly where to be without anything obvious she might see and get suspicious about.” He shrugged. “Easy enough. We’ll just make an extra stop when we’re out shopping.”

“Your world sells items that can communicate across a city without being seen, to anyone who asks?” I replied, tilting my head in rank disbelief.

“Sure, for a low monthly fee,” he agreed cheerfully. Our salads arrived about then, and I shrugged and agreed to let him handle it.

“The other issue is subduing her long enough for me to arrive. I assume you’re not conveniently secretly a master of unarmed combat?” I asked, forking up a bit of ‘Caesar salad’ and crunching into it with a pleased noise. It hadn’t even tried to fight back, which was a bit disappointing in a salad, but the taste was good.

“Ah, no. Not at all, ever,” he agreed. “But I have some ideas about that. I’ll show you what I mean at the next store.”

The waitress arrived with our entrees not long after, and thankfully whoever recommended this place didn’t let him down. The pepperoni and sausage pizza was just right, especially once Kazuma showed me the best way to attack one. Meanwhile the lasagna was much like certain casserole style dishes at home, though just different enough to be interesting.

“I’m adding these to the palace kitchen’s recipe list, and Claire can go jump in a lake if she doesn’t approve,” I decided after the second pizza and lasagna helping. “It's a shame I don’t seem to be getting any XP from them, but I’m considering that a small price to pay.”

“You get experience points for eating things?” Kazuma asked in confusion. “Even if you didn’t kill it?”

“We do, it's how upper nobility are able to be capable warriors or adventurers at a young age. I believe the Crimson Demon Clan does something similar. I was level 10 before I turned 12 because of that. It’s one of the few reasons we’ve been able to stand against the demons for so long.”

Kazuma hmmed agreement, lost in thought a moment. “I guess the only other thing to worry about is that talisman. I didn’t dare touch it, and all Seresdina said about it was that it would prevent anyone else from summoning me to Belzerg.”

“Oh it does that, I’m certain,” I growled back. “Say what you will about the demons, they hold their contracts sacred. I doubt she told you a single outright lie.”

“But they can ‘from a certain point of view’ you so much it doesn’t matter,” Kazuma nodded. “So what else does it do?”

“That one in particular, I’m not sure. I’m no wizard or priestess, after all. But others like it have embedded themselves in and bound the wearer to any command they receive, or sealed their skills or abilities. Forever, until it can be removed or the enchantment broken. There’s no way to be certain until it's worn and active.” I shrugged. “Either way, she’s certain to insist you wear it before closing the deal or even approaching you.”

“So is it just latch it around your neck or wherever and it turns on, or how exactly does it work?”

“That and skin contact with wherever it’s intended to be worn. It’s just as well you didn’t touch it, but it would likely have been safe as long as you didn't actually place it around your neck. If it attached to the first skin it contacted it might bond to the giver after all. That’s one reason lower necklines and tighter tailoring on dresses or other noble attire and the like has been fashionable in recent years. It makes such objects difficult to hide.”

“So I just need to prevent it from touching my neck directly. Ok, I think I can work around that.” At my questioning look he explained, “Performers and other people in costumes sometimes wear a skin tight, skin colored bodysuit under their clothes. With a little work it should be pretty convincing, especially in evening light.”

“You’re taking a terrible risk. If this ‘bodysuit’ doesn’t block the talisman from activating you’ll be doomed to stay here under an unknown compulsion. I do appreciate your willingness to risk yourself, but this is too much,” I argued, shaking my head firmly in negation. “It would be far safer to continue the date, because I truly am enjoying it, and then return directly to Belzerg.”

He blushed and smiled adorably at that, but immediately replied “I’m already signing on to risk life and limb as soon as we cross over. It might make things safer for me later by taking her off the board. I’ll have to deal with her one way or another.” He held up a hand “Either way, let’s go to that store I was talking about and I’ll show you what I have in mind. If you really think it's too dangerous after that then I’m not about to risk my life any earlier than I have to.”

I agreed, and we turned to the dessert menu.

I’d been entirely serious about adding those recipes, whatever my attendants and factors said. Rain and especially Claire had fought a long and bitter feud against any exposure to ‘peasant swill’ for as long as I could remember to protect my royal dignity and prevent any scandal. Part of my reason for sneaking out of the palace regularly as a girl had been sheer curiosity at what could be so horrible that she derided it so much.

Now, as a mature adult, I believed that my nobles’ and subjects' concern for me was bringing victory, or failing that at least preserving their and their loved one’s lives for another attempt, not what I ate or even who I ate it with. Still, it was nice to be proven right, good food could be found no matter how humble the dish or surroundings.

We settled the bill with the waitress, and went to our next stops. With me wearing a knee length sundress in blue with white accents on the hem and some matching low heeled shoes, a local jeweler proved completely willing to take a double handful of silver coins for their metal value. Minus a handling fee, of course.

With our new war chest, we then went to the clothier’s Kazuma suggested might have the bodysuit he mentioned and a makeup kit to enhance the effect. With some wrapping hidden under the prop from a roll of gauze bandages to prevent any ‘burns’ that the shopkeeper suggested, I grudgingly gave my permission to try his plan.

The communications device proved just as simple, much to my disappointment. It truly was just a matter of buying one and paying a fee for the first month of service. I felt obscurely cheated, somehow. Perhaps I’ve spent too much time consulting with the Crimson Demons in the course of the project of late.

The final component was at a store catering to hunters and other outdoors activities. He bought a spray canister of a truly vile combination of spices that put even my poison resistance to the test from a direct hit. After disguising the wretched thing to resemble a mere container of hand lotion we bought later, we were ready.

Begging Eris’ blessing, and her forgiveness if our plan failed, I set off with him to the train station in the mid-afternoon. The temptation of having Seresdina out of commission was simply too great.


Jiro’s turn

I leaned my head back on the squeaky blue vinyl headrest of my desk chair, rubbing my eyes under my glasses. I’d started my third year of high school this spring, and the academic treadmill was already winding up into a sprint. I’d always tried to do well in school. First because it kept my parents off my back, they only really paid attention to either of us to make sure we weren’t embarrassing them. Anything else to do with us was beneath their notice. Second, because it was my best ticket out of this family and this town and I wasn’t about to hide from reality the way my brother had.

At least he seemed to be doing ok when we’d met for dinner the other day, I’d been really worried about him when I left that night he moved in. Like he’d just given up, and nothing mattered anymore. But he’d been just as much a pain in the ass as always, talking about what game release he’d seen announced or rating the waitress bringing us coffee. I’d never admit it, but I was glad to see him seeming to bounce back. He’d been awfully cagey about whether he’d applied at the arcade like I’d suggested, or anywhere else though.

Like I’d summoned him, my phone rang, the custom tone being the opening theme from a game he’d recc’d me months ago and then hounded me into finally trying. He’d been insufferable the day he first heard it play.

“Hey, are they home?” he asked.

“You’re joking right? You know it’ll be two hours yet. Why? Did you run out of cup noodles already?”

“No, but I need to talk to you and I don’t want to deal with them. Meet me outside in 5, it won’t be long, I promise.”

“You can come up, you know, it's not like they’re here to gripe.”

He was quiet for about half a minute. “Kaz? You there?”

“Yeah, yeah I’m here. No, it's better if I don’t. Come meet me downstairs, I’ll make it worth your while.”

With that, he hung up. Frowning at my phone, I tossed it in one pocket of my track shorts and headed downstairs. It had sounded like he was already at the bus stop a block over, so 5 minutes was probably right. Sure enough, as I was stepping out of the elevator and pushing through the front doors of our apartment building Kazuma and…a really nice looking blonde were waiting for me.

“Hey,” I waved as I trotted down the front steps. “You didn’t say you had company.” I eyed the woman, probably Kazuma’s age, with a bit of suspicion. I didn’t want to think he was paying her for the privilege, but knowing him it was hard to see what else she’d be doing at his side. “And what in all that’s holy happened to you!? There’s more blood in your eyes than white, man!” I exclaimed in horror at getting a better look at him.

“That… is a story, little one.”

“I’m taller than you.”

“Shut up, only by a centimeter!” He cleared his throat, and I noticed he sounded a little raspy. “I found a job, but it means I’m going to have to leave town. Probably for a long time.”

“Doing?” I prodded, now even more suspicious. “And I don’t think we’ve met.” I added to his ‘friend’.

“Iris Belzerg,” she answered with a small bow and a surprisingly posh accent. “And I believe the word you use here would be a ‘troubleshooting consultant’,” she turned to look questioningly at Kazuma.

“Eh, close enough. Short answer is, I’m going to be working for her for a while, more or less doing whatever she tells me to.”

“Speaking of which. Jiro, it's been a pleasure, but I really must begin preparations. Kazuma, come find me when you’ve finished,” Iris ordered him, before she took the larger of the two satchels and strode off with a click of her heels on the sidewalk towards the old dog park across the street.

“Ok, seriously. Level with me. What in heaven’s name have you gotten into?” And where in the world did you meet a girl like that, I very carefully didn’t say.

The jerk must have read my mind, because he just gave me his patented most irritating grin in reply. “You’ll never believe me, anyway. But first, did they fix the camera in the lobby by some miracle in the last few days?”

I laughed in spite of myself.

“Great, then this is yours.” He handed me the other two bags, which I nearly dropped. “That’s about 20 kilos of silver, yours free and clear. Two different jewelers gladly took those coins, so no worries there.” He added cheerfully. “Though I would make sure to spread that around when you cash it in, a little at a time. Make some day trips of it even. Spend it in good health and all that.”

“You just happen to have enough LITERAL SILVER on you to buy a car. Ok, enough BS. What is going on? Now.” I dropped the bags on the ground, and sure enough they did make a jingle like something out of a pirate story.

For a second, I thought he was going to keep yanking my chain, and I might have to resort to beating him with one of the bags. But then his shoulders slumped, and the smile he’d kept pinned to his face slid away.

“I’m not lying, Jiro. Iris really did hire me, and I really am going to be leaving for a long time. Maybe forever. So this really is goodbye, and I thought it would be easier to just breeze through it and be off on my way. For both of us.”

“For you,” I countered.

“Maybe so. That cash is my way of making things right as best I can. I’ve been a lousy brother, and a lousy son and we both know it. You wouldn’t have gotten half as much pressure if I’d only nutted up and at least graduated. I can’t fix that, but I can make your last year here better. Give you an escape hatch at least.”

“And so you, what? Robbed a bank? What am I even supposed to do with all this? Have you lost what’s left of your mind?!”

“Mom always said I was a disappointment, but this would shock even her,” he grumbled. “Come on, Iris is probably finished. I’ll tell you a bit about how I managed to go from 20 years without so much as jaywalking, outside that one time, to assault, armed robbery, probably tax evasion, aiding evasion of immigration and border controls, hell maybe even treason, all in an evening.”

So he did. And as he finished up we rounded a shoulder high wall around a sand pit to find Iris crouched behind it, tinkering with some sort of emerald colored sphere about the size of a softball placed on a concrete slab about 3 meters square, leftover from who knows what.

“For the record, you probably aren’t guilty of treason,” she began as she worked. “At least not under Belzerg law. I’m an agent of a foreign power, but we’re not hostile to Japan and you haven’t acted against Japanese interests, committed adultery while married to royalty, or revealed state secrets. The rest I can’t help you with though.”

“We did leave Seresdina here,” Kazuma seemed to remind her, and she frowned agreement. Then he turned to me. “And whatever you do, don’t go near her. Maybe stay at a friend’s tonight even. She didn’t try her charm thing on me, but there’s no telling what she’ll do if she feels desperate and manages to get loose. Give it a few days and let whatever magic she’s got left bleed out before you go home or to school. Hide that silver in a coin locker somewhere, and if anyone asks about any of this, you don’t know a thing.”

“I’d be mostly telling the truth,” I had to agree. Whatever Iris was working on, it now projected what screamed ‘arcane magic circle’ to anyone who’d so much as ever glanced at a fantasy novel cover.

“Done,” Iris snapped, before standing. “Kazuma. Now or never.”

My brother stepped close and after a moment took my hand in both of his for a second. "Good bye, bro. And good luck." Then he let go and stepped inside the circle.

A moment later, they were gone, device and all. A bright white circle in the concrete pad where it had apparently taken the top millimeter or so of it along for the ride all that remained.

I spent a long time, staring at that spot. I couldn’t tell you how much.

But then, I bowed to it, and clapped twice to call for whatever blessing the gods might be able to grant my idiot brother in his new world.

And left to go find a locker.

Chapter Text

Iris’ turn 

The blinding brilliance of the transfer faded around us, leaving Kazuma and I standing on a square of smooth stone about ten meters on a side, the uppermost skimmed off layer of concrete that came along for the ride crackling under our shoes as we shifted our weight.  

“BEHOLD!  THE WANDERERS RETURN!” a man’s voice bellowed to one side.  Turning my head I saw a young man in robes jump to his feet from where he’d been lounging on a chair nearby, a slim book forgotten at his feet as he raised both hands as though supplicating a vengeful god.  “AS FORETOLD OF OLD, OUR PRODIGALS HAVE RETURNED TO US AT LAST!”

‘Ah, Iris.  How long were you gone…’ Kazuma whispered worriedly, though that might’ve been from him eyeing the ranting wizard too.

“Three days, four at most.” I answered at a normal volume, he’d never hear us over himself and the rising tumult coming from the nearby homes.  “Just follow my lead.”

That said, I recognized several figures approaching the ritual stage at a trot, robes and cloaks rippling behind them as they came.  The woman leading them was a few years older than me in her late 20s, brunette and red eyed like all her people.  

“Chief Yunyun!” I raised a hand in greeting and drew in a breath, relying on years of oratorical training to project my voice from the diaphragm.  

“And all the mighty Crimson Demons who made my journey possible!  I come before you to relate my saga!  A saga of VICTORY!” I clenched the hand I’d already raised, Seresdina’s mana storage dangling from my fist like a trophy, and grabbed Kazuma’s hand with the other.  Raising them both as well, I continued over the rising exclamations, “A victory impossible without this man, the hero we sought!  Who even before taking an oath of fealty to my person and our cause, had already sworn a blood oath of retribution for wrongs done to him by the Apostate Priestess of Vengeance and Puppetry!  Who had followed me across the veil and sought to work her foul machinations upon him!  Nay, he not only took oath against her, he BESTED her!  IN SINGLE COMBAT!”

To his credit, Kazuma didn’t quail in the face of the wall of sound that proclamation resulted in, but if he winced a little, I couldn’t blame him.  I’d sometimes thought the Crimson Demon Clan was about 60% lung by volume, and they were doing their damndest to prove me right.

Letting that go on for a second, to help me catch my breath as much as anything, I waved my free hand again for quiet while lowering our linked hands.  “My people, my champions.  My honored shields against the Dark.” I spoke more softly, though still loud enough to carry as the background noise faded.  

“I have asked much of you over the last few years, and much have you given me and the kingdom in return.  Much more will likely be asked in the future, though it pains me to say it, and I hope that you will continue in the spirit of defiance and courage as you always have.” 

“BUT!  Tonight is a time for celebration!  I decree a day of thanksgiving for the destruction of a fell and fearsome foe!  May you all eat, drink, and be merry, for your efforts have earned you the right!”

With that, the by now almost completely assembled Clan dispersed, never being ones to turn down an excuse to party.  The three women who remained stepped forward, one making a bow of greeting while the other two saluted in their own fashion.

“Ladies, allow me to introduce the man who bested General Seresdina and newest recruit to our cause, Kazuma Sato,” I began after nudging the slightly shell-shocked man. “First, we have Yunyun, Chief of the Crimson Demon Clan.  The foremost group of wizards and magic practitioners in the kingdom, they were kind enough to do the griffon’s share of powering and indeed designing the ritual that brought us here.”

“You are far too kind, your Majesty,” the woman replied. “Though I do hope you thought of acquiring alternate sleeping arrangements,” she continued impishly. “The clan will celebrate enough to wake the dead after THAT speech.”

“A queen is nothing if she cannot tailor her message to suit her audience,” I replied with all due gravity. “Next, her clanswoman Kommeko, archwizard of the Crimson Demon Clan.  As I mentioned before, she holds the distinction of being our foremost mind in the study of demons and their works.”

“I’m extra glad to meet you!” the slender, bubbly, and rather short, archwizard announced to Kazuma. “I heard all about the delicious food her Majesty saw in your land, and I can’t wait to try it for myself!” she announced, true to her unique sense of priorities.

“Ah, I’ll do my best?  We did bring some recipes that Iris liked?” Kazuma glanced in my direction uncertainly, and I gave a small shrug.  He did copy off a bundle of his favorite recipes and what we’d had on our working date.  No harm in doing some field testing.

“Next,” I continued, retaking control of the impromptu meeting. “We have one of my Stewards, Lady Rain.  She holds the honor of Court Mage and is a mistress of Advanced Magic among her many other qualifications.”

She bowed in greeting as well, her dress swishing along with her short hair held back by glasses. “Charmed, Sir Kazuma.  I look forward to hearing your story in more detail.”

“I’m afraid my other Steward, Duchess Claire of Sinfonia, had to remain in the capital to manage affairs in my absence.  You’ll meet her later, likely at the same time as Lady Sylphina, our final party member,” I finished.  

“Ladies, thank you for having me,” Kazuma bowed back in the different style of his homeland. Good, he seemed to be getting his feet back under him.

“And with the boring but necessary part out of the way, might we adjourn to more comfortable surroundings?” I suggested.  

Kazuma’s turn

I’d been here all of thirty minutes, and I’d already come to one conclusion.

The Crimson Demon Clan was certifiably insane. 

 Just on the walk from the ritual to the Chief’s mansion I saw an even dozen wizards crowded around a rectangular table, launching tiny fireballs into glass or pewter cups after spinning five times in place.  When one sank their shot the cup burst into bright flames of various colors, and the shooter downed the contents all at a gulp to the cheers of the onlookers.  

A few steps later we passed another group huddled around what I thought at first were kettles, but they looked way too long and narrow.  I watched curiously, and they scattered back and hit the deck.

Moments before searing lights erupted from them with a mighty ‘fwomp’ that I could feel in my chest.  One after another, like a roman candle scaled up to the size of a kitchen trash can, the balls streaked higher before bursting into shooting stars.

About five meters above them.

Having clearly seen this coming, Yunyun had hustled us into cover as soon as she caught sight of them.  But still, with the way they rattled my teeth it felt less like a fireworks show and more like an artillery barrage called in ‘danger close’.

After taking a moment to ‘counsel’ the artillerists on their choice of fuse settings, Yunyun led us away at a power walk pace.  The next group looked downright wholesome in comparison, a group of grade schoolers playing a game in a grassy triangle bound by several footpaths.

“I don’t have to sing the song!  I was in a No Song Zone!” one little girl proclaimed, artfully dodging another’s attempt to bean her with a ball.

“Nuh uh!  I touched the Opposite Pole!  Now the No Song Zone is a Song Zone!” a little boy on the…opposite team… I wasn’t sure there were any actual teams now that I looked.

“You didn’t declare it!” the first girl protested “Ya gotta declare it!”

“I declared it oppositely by not declaring it!  Now start singing!” the boy defended himself, and things got musical for a minute.  Meanwhile in another corner, what I guess was another branch of the game, or maybe a totally different one going on at the same time, was hashing out who had to hop on one foot after not touching a base wicket.  That was the point they passed out of sight, but I made a note to ask about it later.  

I’d dreaded organized sports days in school, but NO sport could be less organized than that.

Finally, a group of the local artisans judging by the leather aprons a few wore had their hands waving in the air like conductor's batons in time to rumbling and shuddering in the ground I’d t hought came from the pyromaniacs behind us.

Not so.  Towering above the group was a pair of golems around 10 meters tall, gracefully spinning through a tango.  One decorated with a wraparound skirt and a massive flower garland sized for its wheelbarrow sized head.  The other bare except a suitably massive loincloth as it spun its partner through the steps to the cheers and odd jeer over a missed step.

And heaven help me, I couldn’t avoid wanting to join in with it all.  Yeah, it was nuts and probably dangerous to life and limb.   But if I’d ever gone to college, I could only hope to have a quarter as much fun on a Friday night as they were having out there now as our cluster of VIPs walked past.  Dodging the odd flaming projectile or offer of something spectacularly alcoholic.  

Komekko had been dismissed to go join the fun, but the rest of us  arrived safely at the low fence surrounding a nicely appointed house near the middle of town, Chief Yunyun letting us in.  Inside was a single story manor about the size of one floor of my old apartment complex with probably as many rooms. 

Though the landscaping and architecture were both light years better.

We filed inside, this time with the door opened by a small boy barely elementary school age, clearly the chief’s son from his looks.  Helping him was an older girl who wore her blonde hair in ringlets, dressed in a different style of robes than the adults or the simple cloak the boy wore.  The nanny, I guess.

“Thank you, sweetie,” the chief hugged her son for a quick moment.  “I need to talk to some important people right now, but I’ll come find you before bed.  Go have fun with the others, alright?”  

“’Kay!” he agreed, taking his minder’s hand. “Let’s go, Betty!  I wanna show Lessie my new pose!” the boy declared, dragging them both out the front door.

“Has he grown in just the time I’ve been gone?” Iris asked, only half-jokingly as it closed behind them.

“I could almost believe it,” Yunyun agreed.  “And thank you all for being patient.  My son, Sagittarius and our contracted spirit Beatrice,” she added to me, the only one they hadn’t met apparently.

We entered what must have been the main parlor, since it was the biggest room I’d seen glancing through a few doors as we passed through the entryway to it.  Once we were all inside, the chief gestured and a chest high honest to gods stone golem materialized from a bare spot on the wall to totter over to the sideboard and start mixing drinks. Meanwhile, Rain settled herself on the sofa opposite the one Iris had guided us to.  Yunyun followed Rain once the mixology was in progress.  “You gave us the highlights, your Majesty.  But I think all of us would much appreciate hearing the details of your adventure.” 

Iris gladly obliged them.  While she wasn’t as gleefully over the top in making me out to be some sort of epic badass, she definitely dropped most of the credit squarely at my feet.  By the end of it even I was half convinced I’d done something really cool.   Instead of mostly spending the evening dripping everywhere and feeling like I’d never breathe right again.

“More’s the pity you weren’t able to finish her off,” Rain commented once Iris finished.  “I apologize, my queen.  Had you even a few more hours of time from our device we might have been rid of Seresdina for good.”

I cleared my throat. “She didn’t seem like she had any way back though, do you think they’ll launch a rescue mission?”

“Not a chance,” Iris declared.  “Given what our program cost, only total success could possibly justify their investment.  With not only the bribe gone, but her trapped and news of your arrival underlining her failure as well…” she smiled grimly. “The Demon King has a short way with those who disappoint him, even if a mission were launched I doubt she’d thank them for it.”

That chilling little thought delivered, Iris continued.  “But first, we need to bring you up to snuff.  I’ve spent way too much getting you over here to let that go to waste because you weren’t up to the challenge ahead.”

Now that…that sounded dangerously like work.  And exactly the kind of annoying level grinding that I did my damndest to avoid anytime I could help it.  Which was bad enough to do in front of a keyboard.  Doing it outside?  With no air conditioning?  That sounded like the gym class from hell.

“Ah, maybe I should take some time to get acclimated to living here before taking on more.  I’ve got a lot to learn just about, well, everything.  Lots to catch up on,” I suggested.  And with any luck, I could continue to ‘learn’ and ease myself into more of a strategist, idea guy, kind of role.  Studying sucked, but if it was that or sweat buckets in the Great Outdoors?  No contest.

“That you do, so I’m afraid your evenings will be rather full as well,” Iris smiled brightly, clearly having none of it. “We should be able to spare a month, I understand Monster Farming is quite efficient but how far do you think he can get in that time?” she asked Yunyun.

The chief frowned thoughtfully, sipping the drink her golem had served us all as Iris told her story. “One Punch Bears are in their mating season, there should be plenty of them to harvest for XP.  There used to be a Fenrir deeper in that would’ve been perfect for a good boost, but I’m afraid the Bomber took care it…” she mused. 

“A Bomber?” I asked. “Like an airplane, or what?”

“Not at all, the Bomber is no fairy tale.  It's very real, many of the clan have seen it,” Yunyun chuckled.  “It's a relic that has stalked the forest around the Village for generations.  Harmless to us Crimson Demons, but sudden death to trespassers.”

Iris had a look on her face I’d soon come to treat with dread. “That sounds like a perfect first target!  Kazuma gets some levels for skills, and the danger is removed.  All in a day’s work for a queen…”

“ABSOLUTELY NOT!” Rain, Yunyun, and I shouted in unintentional stereo.  

“I don’t recall any of you being in a position to give me orders,” Iris observed coolly, eyeing us with a glint in her eyes I didn’t need experience with her to know was trouble.

“I apologize for my outburst, your Majesty,” Rain replied quickly, “but that simply isn’t wise.  Allowing you to risk yourself against the Bomber Moguninnin would be too irresponsible.  Lady Claire would never forgive us!”

Clearly I needed to meet this Lady Claire as soon as possible, she sounded like she had sense.  Needless to say, I agreed with Rain wholeheartedly and said so when she finished.  What I didn’t say was that I agreed because stomping around a monster infested forest looking for some legendary super monster sounded even worse than the gym nightmare they were already planning.  

Unfortunately, Belzerg relied on a ‘one person, one vote system.’  Iris was the one person who had the one vote.

Fortunately, Iris saw reason and was willing to ‘just’ do a quick search for some One Punch Bears to start off with after Yunyun weighed in as the local expert.

So the next morning, I found myself stomping through a trackless, monster infested forest alongside a hung over archwizard and a peppy royal.

“Bukkorori said he saw a pack of bears a few days ago to the north, maybe two hours walk,” Komekko supplied, gritting her teeth against the early morning sun. “So even if they’ve moved, the trail should still be fresh.”

“I wondered something last night.  They said the Bomber is no threat to the Clan.  But why is it dangerous to outsiders?  You have people in the Village all the time as tourists or merchants.  Does it just avoid the road?” I asked her.

“Yes, but also it's a specific kind of Outsider it hates.” Komekko agreed readily.  “Most of the tourists here are really high level parties here to train in the forest.  And if the Bomber sees one that has a man with several young women it will attack immediately with Detonation magic, while screaming something about ‘exploding normies’.”

Oh, well that was a relief.  I was about as far from a normie as you’d get.  I’d spent the last several years avoiding anything resembling ‘youth’ or even ‘meatspace’ in general.  I should be fine walking through these woods…

With a younger, cute, brunette haired archwizard girl.  I turned, dread building.  And an older, sexy, blonde Lady of War.  

“You knew this party was perfect bait, didn’t you?” I asked them both resignedly.

Silence.

‘Son of a bitch.’ I groaned to myself.

Chapter Text

Kazuma’s turn

After the somehow not surprising discovery that I was going to be part of the bait for a horrible monster, I’d have thought my morning was pretty much as ruined as it could get.

Then Komekko opened her mouth.

“We’re in their prime hunting grounds now.  I’m gonna send up some scouts to watch our backs!” the perky archwizard announced.  I hadn’t noticed her too much between the dark and all the crazy going around last night.  But in the light of day she was shortish, slender, and probably high school aged.  Her black hair cut short in back with a longer bit on either side in front, each side held back from her face with a yellow star shaped clip.  Like the rest of her clan I’d seen so far, she dressed like she was on the way to a cosplay event.  In her case a much patched, ankle length hooded black cape (seriously, what was with those in this world?) and a blouse the color of her eyes tucked into a frilly black knee length skirt. Stompy black leather boots with actual hobnail cleats in the soles finished her look off.  

So far, fair enough.  Scouts made us less likely to get ambushed and eaten, so I was all for it.  Until the little maniac drew a quick circle in the dirt with one finger, and dropped a pinch of bread crust in the center.  Now I was expecting like, a dove, or a raven, or maybe if she was feeling edgy a bat or two.

“ARISE! ARISE AND SERVE YOUR MISTRESS!  ONLY IN DEATH DOES YOUR DUTY END!” Komekko shrieked to the heavens, and out of that circle turned hole in reality came something I still refuse to think about too much.  It sounded like the world’s angriest wood chipper, and was blacker than a serial killer’s heart.  Whirling within a bubble of force fully a meter across rising to eye level was a swirling mass of razor edges, clashing and scraping in a flurry of sparks.

Then, somehow, I knew it was watching me.  Weighing, considering.  How well I’d splatter once it got loose and turned me into confetti?  Or worse?  I couldn’t say. 

Komekko made a circling gesture above her head, and the bubble popped.  Before I could draw breath for one last scream the storm of blades scattered in all directions, leaving only a faint humming in their wake.

“Wwwwhat the hell was that!?” I gasped, hand on chest.  

Iris smiled with poisonous sweetness at me. “Oh?  You wouldn’t have seen one before, would you?  That’s a Scrin, a common low level demon.”  She turned and nodded cool, wary respect at Komekko. “I’m surprised you could summon one with so little though, your reputation didn’t do you justice.”

Somehow, I suspect I didn’t hide how much I enjoyed Iris getting knocked off balance by so many mundane things in my world as well as I thought I did.

Our now revealed to be terrifyingly dangerous archwizard preened at the royal praise. “Thanks!  Demons have always liked me, and they’re super fun to play with.  Everyone complains when I summon some to help out with the rebuilding in Axel though…” 

Eyeing the path of mangled leaves and random bits of who knew what her pet had left in its trail, I dryly replied, “Can’t imagine why.  So, now we wait?” I asked as we started walking again.  A morning nature hike wouldn't ever be my first choice of entertainment, but I could put up with a lot worse if it meant spending the morning with two cute girls. On the other hand, getting into deathmatches with angry predators probably fit under ‘a lot worse.’

“They’ll seek us out for glory and fame!” Komekko agreed readily. “Their mates will want the strongest partners, so they’ll pick fights with anything!” 

I flinched as the scrin exploded a raven into feathers and gore some distance ahead of us, and hoped that my hiking partners really were the most dangerous things in the forest.

I glanced over to find the archwizard had taken out a few pieces of jerky and was gnawing on them one by one as we went, in spite of breakfast having only been an hour ago.  Every now and then she’d glance over in some random direction, probably reacting to something her familiar had seen.

I relaxed a bit as we continued our hunt, loosening the white knuckle grip on the short sword I’d gotten with my Adventurer card this morning. Though I might’ve jumped once in a while at the odd squawk from the scrin catching a bird or what have you in its perimeter.  

We didn’t talk much after that, Komekko was too focused on her familiar and Iris stayed quiet as well, maybe unusually for her.  She seemed like the kind of woman who enjoyed chatting and socializing before, but maybe she just had her game face on.  Her new wardrobe bore that out; she’d traded in her rather fetching traveling clothes for a set of silvery plate ‘half armor’ as she called it. The gear might’ve done nothing for her figure but boosted her intimidation factor through the roof.

After a bit more walking, Komekko halted, her gaze swinging about 45 degrees to our right. “Found one, and he’s found us too.  He’s trying to sneak around our flank,” she whispered. “Maybe 100 meters that way,” she added, nodding in the right direction.

I drew my sword.  Iris did as well, though not her fancy one. Caliburn was overkill for this to hear her tell it.  We wanted them alive for me to finish off, not in pieces across a town square sized area.  So she left her usual dance partner at home and brought the best non magical sword the village blacksmith shop had on the shelf.  

“Tell him we’re wise to him.  Then let’s go meet our new friend,” she grinned. 

Komekko launched a frikkin laser beam or something in the direction she pointed.  Iris followed it moving scarcely slower with a whoop, her bared two handed sword gleaming in the morning sun as she went.  

Magic, for the record, is awesome.  As long as you’re on the giving end of it. 

That bar of pure destruction glowed like the sun as it went, neatly punching through leaves, branches, and brush leaving nothing but ash and scorched black charring surrounding a perfectly straight line between us and a bear who put a grizzly to shame.

Fully four meters high, with shaggy fur with two tufts on its head, and probably heavier than a car.   Supposedly even full parties of low level adventurers refuse to go near them.  All kinds of bad news, basically.  It reared up on its hind legs to bellow at us with a roar that would’ve turned far stronger bowels than mine to water.

If Komekko hadn’t immediately blown a leg off at the hip in one shot, sending it crashing right back to the ground in a heap with a pained howl.  “Paralyze,” she chanted next and the bear went still.

Iris was on it in an instant.  “Kazuma!  All yours!” she called out once she was sure it was restrained, and I jogged up, Komekko following.  

“Your sword isn’t long enough to pierce the vitals, you’ll need to cut its throat,” Iris advised. “Aim on either side of the neck, that’s where the big arteries are.”

Up close, that sounded like a lot taller order than it sounded earlier.  I wasn’t one of the people who flinched and got shaky during frog dissection in biology, but straight up cutting something’s throat was a little much for me.  I grew up in a small rural town, true, but not so rural that we were killing our own livestock for dinner instead of visiting the store.  I was definitely sweating  as I approached and caught a whiff of wet fur, cooked meat, and carnivore breath from it.

But it was more than that.  The sheer malice that thing radiated through its gaze stopped me in my tracks, like it was staring right through to the back of my head.  

A wolf back home or something would have just wanted me for dinner, or out of its turf, or because I hurt it. This thing just wanted me dead, full stop.  Somehow, that made things easier.  I took up the sword in both hands as Iris showed me and gave two quick thrusts.

Pro tip:  I should’ve stood to one side first.

“On the plus side, we won’t have any trouble attracting them now,” Komekko tried to cheer me up after she hosed me off.

“Sorry, I forgot you were a city dweller too,” Iris said as she wiped a stray blood spot off her armor.  “I did the same thing my first few times until I learned to cauterize as I cut.  Much less messy.”

“Thanks,” I grumped.  It wasn’t cold enough to be dangerous but squishing along in wet everything isn’t a good time in Belzerg’s late spring. “He was worth plenty of levels at least, any idea what to spend them on?”

“We’ll decide later, just save them for now.  You must see a skill demonstrated to acquire it, and all we’ve done is Basic and Advanced Magic so far,”  Iris instructed me.

I agreed absently, examining my card as we went.  Sure enough, Basic magic was shown in my skills list, softly glowing to show I had the points to get it.  Below it was Advanced, but it was grayed out and listed 30 points as the minimum.  It should’ve been a tipoff how badly suited I was for this that the 9 points I’d gotten from leveling were ALL I had to work with, no baseline points at all, but by the time that dawned on me it was way too late.

We settled in to wait, the scent of blood would attract company soon enough.  Another few small fry showed up and were quickly dispatched, including several horned rabbits.  It bothered me to finish off the rabbits, they really were adorable.  Though less so after one that was faking launched itself like a missile trying to impale Iris with its horn, and she swatted it through a small tree.  Barehanded.  

Note to self, earning a slap from her would be dancing with death.

Another bear showed up and got handled the same as the first, and I was beginning to think I was getting the hang of things around lunchtime when Komekko’s scrin vanished after going berserk.

Seconds later, a rolling boom echoed through the trees.

“It’s close!  And coming this way, any second now!” she cried, stepping between me and it.

Iris’ turn

Moguunin revealed itself in a spray of branches and leaves on the opposite side of our little clearing we’d set our bait in.  It had a sleek, metallic shell the color of old bone, with four jointed legs and a scorpion like arrangement at the back.  Atop that was a long tapering cylinder, clearly a weapon of some sort, trained unerringly on Kazuma and Komekko.  A single red eye glowed in front where the head should have attached, below it was a pair of smaller jointed arms each tipped with a blade.

“Harem party detected.  Crimson Demon, please stand aside,” the coolly emotionless voice requested.

“That’s a mecha.  Who the hell builds a SPIDER mecha?” Kazuma swore incredulously. “At least make it something cool like a Gundam or a ninja!”

“Cry moar normie,” the Moguunin replied.  “While you chased tail, I studied the blade.  Your opinion is irrelevant.”

“Then what about mine?” I asked coldly, stepping beside Komekko as Kazuma sputtered. “In the name of the Crown I, Iris Stylish Sword Belzerg, Queen of this land, order you to stand down or be guilty of assault on the Royal family and its appointed delegates.”

“I’m sorry Iris,” it replied with a perfectly unruffled timbre. “I can’t do that.”  And then it charged, twin blades leading the way.

Komekko’s readied Cursed Lightning forced it into a quick dodge, gracefully skittering out of the way before launching a wire anchor and changing direction in an instant.

“Kazuma, down!” Komekko cried, tackling him to the ground and forcing the ‘mecha’ to jerk its blades clear and tapdance awkwardly to avoid harming her.

Before we could capitalize on it, another anchor hauled it bodily away and skidded to a stop leaving us basically trading places.  

“Stay behind me as much as possible ,” Komekko said to Kazuma as they rolled to their feet, and he hugged her around the waist, pulling her up on her toes with his greater height to shield him almost completely. “Close enough,” she sighed. “You owe me dinner for this.”  Then she started casting in earnest.

Moguunin was like nothing I’d ever fought before, it had more raw speed than even me and was actually weaving BETWEEN the lightning, and staying too close for any of my flashier skills without endangering all of us.  Meanwhile it couldn’t use its signature Detonation magic either, basically we held each other in a mutual hostage crisis.

It was silent of any further commentary, just the creak and whine of its joints and thumping steps as we panted and jockeyed for position amid the crack of spells.

“This is pointless,” Kazuma said from behind Komekko.  He jerked his head back with a yelp, dodging a wire anchor that nearly took his head as he peered around her.  “Can you make a mud pit or ice patch or something to slow it down?”

“Yes, but it would just cripple us too, her Majesty especially!” Komekko growled testily. “Unless I summon something REALLY nasty, she’s the only one who can catch it!  I can’t even keep Light of Saber on it long enough to matter!”

“No, do it.” I commanded hastily. “Turn this place into a glacier if you have to!” Better that than Eris knew what coming through a portal to make our lives even more interesting.

Without another word she did just that, spreading a layer of ice 15 cm thick on the ground for a good 50 meters around.  People wonder sometimes why I tolerate so much ‘insolence’ from the Clan.  Generally, these are the same fools who’ve never seen what they’re capable of.  But once again, they delivered for me.

Komekko’s cleated boots let her keep her footing.  But Kazuma’s more comfortable wood and leather soled boots made him less fortunate, his feet went out from under him instantly and nearly took Komekko down with him.  Even my hobnailed boots were slipping, turning my charge at the now skittering Moguunin into more of a drunken waltz competition between us.  

That seemed to be all the opening the monster needed, wary of the last time it’d used an anchor and had the cable severed for its trouble it planted three of its legs with a sharp bang to stabilize itself.  It then raised the left front one to reveal a spike protruding slightly to one side of the clawed foot at its base, pointing it right at Kazuma as he flailed and tried to find purchase, having skidded a few feet away from Komekko.

“Create Earth!  Create Water!” He bellowed sharply, and several gobbets of mud spewed from his hands to coat its glowing red eye.   The monster twitched, the spike as long and thick as my forearm burying itself to the base in a tree after gouging its way for meters along the ice.

Then it was my turn.  It tried to switch legs and try again, a tiny arm clearing its eye with frantic sweeps as Kazuma unleashed another salvo, resorting to scooting along the ground to take cover behind Komekko again.  My feet gliding like I was back on the frozen lake outside the palace, I leaned into the skidding and tried to make it work for me this time instead.  

Amid a scream of effort and a squeal of grinding, tearing metal, the raised right leg parted from the rest at the ‘knee’, turning once before falling to the ground with a solid crack as the stump trailed sparks.  My poor sword took its own beating in the process, the edge wrecked beyond repair.  

Dropping the now useless weapon I drew my backup dagger specially enchanted for close encounters and closed in again.  This time it was ready for me, its remaining wire anchor zipping past with a pop I’d only heard from the fastest of crossbow bolts.  I tried to cut the cable again, but it twitched the cable in a looping motion that took it away from my dagger before it could find purchase.  No matter, it would need time to reel it in again.  

It knew it too, the three remaining legs held it mostly stable but it couldn’t manage the same acrobatics as before, so the twin blades on its small arms beneath the eye rose to meet mine, striking sparks as they passed, and I tried to pin the Mogunnin in position long enough for a finishing blow.

“Lightning Strike!”  Komekko declared, sending a bolt into the exposed wires in its bad leg.  With a spasm the joints locked up, and then went limp.  The sound of several tons of metal hitting solid ice must be heard to be believed, leaving a further spider web of cracks for meters around. For a moment afterward the light in its eye slowly dimmed, and then went out without a sound.

“Tell me that’s it,” Kazuma gasped, gingerly getting to his hands and knees.  

I removed one of the short blade arms with a slash of my dagger, and it didn’t even twitch.  “So it appears.”

“Great.  Wonderful.  Fantastic.” He slumped into a sitting position. “What do you both say to never doing that again?”

———————————

Afterwards there was a bit of excitement, the Detonation magic right before had already had the Clan worried since they knew we were out there.  Yunyun’s husband, Bennet, led the search party that found us in the process of deciding how to disassemble the thing.  Komekko seemed to think it would make a fine trophy in the main square next to the Griffin.

Her clanmates agreed, and once they teleported us back, they left again to see about moving it to its new home.   I bid my companions farewell and promised to meet for dinner, and made my way to the detached cottage that served as the guest quarters.  Stretching and shifting as I went, I dropped bits of armor and padding on a direct line from the door towards the bath already drawn up in anticipation of my arrival and kept warm.

I hadn’t had a good hunt like that since I assumed the crown, and leading an army just wasn’t the same.  The old lines I’d grown up with about life at the front being 99 parts boredom and routine and 1 part terror had been more true than I’d imagined as a mere princess who spent most of her time at Court dreaming of adventures.  And Adventurers.

“Bubble bath.  I forgot to ask Kazuma what bubble bath was,” I mused to myself after rinsing off and sliding into the tub.  He’d mentioned it while we were out shopping for Seresdina’s presents, and then we’d totally forgotten.  Oh well. 

I was definitely going to be having words with Yunyun after this.  I asked for a clanner with knowledge of demons and a willingness to travel.  And while that’s exactly what I’d gotten, someone who also summoned one before me as casually as calling a servant over for tea hadn’t been.  Summoning and binding demons wasn’t quite heresy, at least the lower level ones without much mind of their own, but it was a pretty dark gray area.  And it might’ve been no threat to her or me, or even anyone with more than a dozen levels no matter the class, but if her control had slipped before the binding finished Kazuma would have been stew meat.  

But that was for later.   I took a deep breath, and emptied my mind. What was done was done, and this was the first time I’d been out of the capital or an army camp in years.  Dad and Jatis had been the real meatheads of the family, but this had been great stress relief.   I should enjoy it, not get wrapped up in might have beens.  I’d let Kazuma go head to head with a general and a boss monster, a minor demon surely wasn’t even worth worrying over.  Surely.

I had too much else to consider in any case.  Last night had been much too busy, not to mention noisy, to think at all about all I’d seen in the other world.  We’d managed to bring back a few small items in spite of the strict weight limit.  Rain and whoever Yunyun assigned were probably already taking apart the pepper spray dispenser at least.  But in the end, those were amusing toys.

Ever since the war began, both sides had faced one bedrock fact.  There were only two  good invasion routes from the Demon lands either in or out, and their biggest and best fortress sat directly astride the better one.  The other was only slightly less well guarded.  Other routes existed, but were either too dry, or too high altitude, or both, to move more than a small raiding force through.  Worse yet, the land on either side leading up to them was no better.  

It worked in our favor as often as it had theirs over the years, with the Crimson Demon Village on our side proving every bit as resilient as their king’s castle.  But uncounted lives had been lost over the years attacking into the teeth of each other’s best defenses for simple lack of any better option.

Railroads, that was the key to the deadlock.

It had taken my seeing it in person to fully understand, and I could’ve cursed the previous Otherworlders for not explaining, and myself and my forebears for not asking the right questions.  Any army that moved away from its home base could only sustain itself by stripping the countryside as it went.  Wagons could only move so far in a day, and after any more than a week’s round trip the draft animals, drovers and guards, and their mounts had eaten the cargo they were supposed to be transporting.  Adding more wagons just for extra fodder only made the problem worse in a vicious cycle of their draft animals needing fodder, more guards needed to protect the ever more valuable convoy, and more food for them and their mounts.  

Not enough food or fodder along the route?  Then the destination might as well be on the moon.

The great engines that pulled the carriages of Kazuma’s home were far beyond us, and perhaps always would be.  But the rails they ran upon weren’t.  Expensive, yes.  But no worse than repaving the kingdom’s roads into something that a wagon could travel on at high speed, and certainly quicker to build.  Perhaps they could be pulled by the domesticated lizard runners we used for high priority transport pulling floating carriages?  They were capable of far better speed than any horse, perhaps enough to get an army past the badlands and into a fertile area?  There couldn’t be that many available, but perhaps domestication efforts could be stepped up? 

Too many questions, with too many ifs to be solved today.  But for the first time I could remember there was a chance for something better.  Smiling as I leaned back on the rim of the tub,  I sighed.

A most wonderful day, and hopefully the first of many to come.

Chapter Text

Kazuma’s turn

It turned out that even Crimson Demons can’t party hard on back to back days.  So compared to Seresdina’s celebration, the Moguunin’s defeat was a much more restrained affair.  

By Crimson Demon standards.

“BEHOLD!” Komekko cried from atop the corpse of her kill as a pair of flatbed freight wagons lashed together bore it into the Village square that evening.  Doing a smooth pirouette, I noticed she’d ditched her boots in order to pull it off properly, she flared her cape with practiced flourish in spite of the unstable footing.  “Know that a menace long suffered to roam our forests is no more!”

A rousing cheer from the assembled villagers answered her.  Along with a somewhat smaller one, though probably more heartfelt individually, from the visiting adventurers that were the ones actually in danger from the thing.

It had been a few hours since we’d brought news back, plenty of time for some quick decorations and the local bar and restaurant to get to work in anticipation for a busy night.  There was even a platform of earth compressed to a stone like hardness and surfaced with cement to receive the beast that a pair of golems began unloading as soon as Komekko hopped down and began regaling a group of her clanmates.

“So!  The hero of the hour!” a hand smacked my back with solid emphasis, though not so much to make me stumble thankfully.  Looking beside me, I found a slender green eyed blond man wearing welding goggles grinning at me.  “Bennet, right?  Sorry, I…”

He laughed, though thankfully didn’t give me another smack. “No prob, call me Benny!  You had a busy morning it sounds like!” he waved me off and pointed over to the bar, called ‘Succubus Lingerie’ now that I looked at it. “Let’s grab a drink, you look like you could use one.”

With a name like that I wasn’t about to turn him down, but still.  “Ah…does your wife…” I had to ask.

“It's fine, you’ll see once we’re inside,” he assured me.

Once we passed through the doors, I saw his point.  There was neither lingerie, nor succubi anywhere that I could see.  Instead it was a pretty typical tavern, polished wood paneling with a stout wooden counter at the back behind which was probably a very nice selection for a village of maybe a few hundred people.  Ahead of that were varying sizes of tables and chairs to match, all well made but not anything fancily carved or finished.  Beside the fireplace along one wall was a raised platform, probably a stage for singers and such but now just holding a few extra tables.  Given that across the square was a bathhouse called ‘Mixed Bathing’ I’d been meaning to try, I probably shouldn’t get my hopes up there either.

After ordering for us while I was looking around, Benny came back with a pair of mugs in one hand and two small glasses filled with something pretty damned flammable smelling in the other.

“Right, here we go.  Traditional Crimson Demon victory drink.  We call it the Explosion,” he said after setting everything down.  Taking a mug of beer for himself, he took a quick pull off of it.  “You give yourself some room in the mug, and then you drop this in like so,” he dropped the shot glass in with a small splash. “And then, the Explosion!” he snapped his fingers and with a ‘whump’ a small fireball erupted from the mug.  “You’ve got Basic Magic, right?  Give it a try,” he suggested, blowing out the residual flames on top of his mug and taking a longer drink.

I did, so I followed suit.  I had to chant ‘Kindle’ to get mine to ignite, a reminder that I really did live in a Village of amazing wizards now.

“Never thought this would be my first drink,” I chuckled, taking a pull.  It wasn’t bad, even if the process was a bit over the top.  Like everything here, really.  I’d cleaned up when we got back, and wandered the village before meeting the others over dinner to go over our first adventure together when Benny caught me watching the grand entrance.

“No lie?  You’re what, at least Komekko’s age right?” my new drinking buddy asked.

“Turned 20 a few days before I came here.  That’s the drinking age back home so,” I shrugged. “A lot happened, never got the chance.”

Benny shook his head.  “Wild.  Well, in that case it sounds like you need another one.” He signaled the girl behind the bar to do just that, then turned back. “What else is different?  We don’t get many Otherworlders coming through here, though that might change now that the Moguunin isn’t around to attack them.”

Humming to myself, I thought.  “Well…there’s no magic of course, but we did have…”

I regaled him with some of the things Iris had seen at home, and what a day in rural Japan had looked like before I became some kind of budget Chosen One.

“You said ‘we’ earlier, but you don’t,” I pointed to my eyes, “have the color.  Is it not everybody?”

“Nah, I married in about eight years ago.  Used up my whole lifetime’s worth of luck getting the chance to,” he smiled softly, and I had the sudden urge to kick the real normie in the room.  Bet mecha didn’t try to murder him either.

“No, really,” Benny went on at my obvious skepticism. “I totally did.  Here,” he passed over his much more worn adventurer’s card.

I glanced over it, great stats but…holy hell.  

“Yeah, that’s the usual reaction,” Benny chuckled, taking his card back. “You should’ve seen the look on the clerk’s face when she saw my luck stat.  Asked me to list my next of kin on the spot.”  He tucked it away in his belt pouch, then took another drink. “But, here I am by the grace of Eris.  All that praying must have paid off, I met the Thief that eventually introduced Yunyun and I not long afterwards.”  He frowned. “She kept saying something about a ‘triumph of shipping’ but no river around here is big enough for more than barges, so I dunno.” He shrugged. “She was weird, but good people.”

“Lots of those lately,” I observed to myself. “What about around here, is it always like this?  Killing ancient weapons from forgotten civilizations and thwarting demon generals?” 

“Only if the Clan is having a slow day,” Benny laughed. “But yeah, it's not a dull place to live.  We have at least two dark gods sealed nearby, and that griffin in the square?  That’s not a statue.  Somebody petrified it ages ago and it's been in the village square ever since.  The Moguunin will be in good company.  There’s even some sorta weird building on the edge of the forest that’s been here as long as the village, but nobody knows how to open it.”

I sighed, and drowned my sorrows in my fresh beer.  

Iris’ turn

When I’d first heard Benny planned to invite Kazuma to go drinking, I’d thought it might be fun to join them later after our meeting.

After seeing the mood Yunyun and Rain were in after we finished recounting our experiences, I thought I’d rather drink poison than stay here a minute longer.

“Now then.  Komekko, which part of ‘don’t go after the Moguunin, and teleport out if you find it’ did you not understand?”  Yunyun began with a dangerous gleam in her eyes.

“And for your part, Your Majesty,” Rain asked with exquisite courtesy from beside her on the couch facing Komekko and I. “I believe we agreed that an expedition seeking anything more dangerous than the One Punch Bears would be most unwise.  Pray, do tell what new information you received that led you to reverse that decision?”

“Peace, Yunyun.  She was following my instructions,” I reminded the chief.

“No doubt.  Which is no excuse for not doing a party member’s job of being a voice of reason when their leader is about to embark on a ‘most unwise’ course.  Instead of jumping in with both feet as I’m certain actually happened!”  

Komekko wilted, unable to refute the charge.  

“And as for my reasoning, I judged between myself and an exceptional clanswoman we had enough power on hand to deal with it.  As we did.”

“Between the two of you you’re certainly correct,” Rain agreed.  “But what of Kazuma?  Whom you’d just spent enormous sums of time and effort on?”

“Who was at the time level…12?” Yunyun questioned. “We don’t let our children hunt anything more dangerous than a horned rabbit at that level, even with an adult along.”

“We only have a month to spare, probably less in truth,” I pointed out. “Gaining levels is easy, teaching him to use his skills effectively needs all the time we can give.”

Yunyun and Rain merely regarded me skeptically.  After a long moment, I relented and added “Fine, fine.  And because I wanted a decent fight.  That doesn’t make me wrong though.”

“No, we are short on time, it's true.  But, while I never would have thought it, unless I miss my guess he’s never used anything more dangerous than a steak knife before he came here,” Rain observed.   

That brought me up short.  The biggest source of recruits for Adventurers, noble retainers, even sometimes the Royal Guard was farm kids who grew up wrangling their crops.  By the time they were teenagers they’d had years of experience beating their produce into submission and driving off monster ambushes before bringing it to market with their parents.  Who were often retired soldiers or Adventurers themselves.  Even city kids had some idea of what to do with a weapon from needing to protect themselves outside the walls to cut firewood and the like. 

But that was Belzerg, not Japan.  I’d been to Japan, and still I’d assumed he was simply used to different weapons, like that spray, when he looked shocked I’d handed him a sword.  Not that he was a total stranger to violence.  But…in that case…

I closed my eyes, resting my head in my hands and to hell with royal dignity. “Please, tell me I didn’t take a rank amateur out on a boss monster hunt blindly assuming he knew what he was doing.”

“Ah, I’m supposed to tell my party leader the truth, Your Highness,” Komekko unhelpfully supplied next to me.

I glared at her, but she simply returned a ‘what?’ expression. “So our whole plan just went up in smoke is what you’re telling me, Rain?”

“Skills only go so far,” she agreed. “Though it might not be so bad as that.  Using Basic Magic as he did was clever.  It's intended as a survival toolkit, not attack magic after all.  And he didn’t freeze or panic.  With some appropriate, ” she stressed, “leveling and experience he should do just fine.”

Kazuma’s turn

After finding out my life had just become a nightmare of hard work, constant danger, and general craziness, my motivation for my isekai adventure not only plummeted but dug a crater on impact.

We didn’t find anything as terrifyingly dangerous as Moguunin after that first day, thankfully.  But given I was sitting in a village full of blatant quest hooks there was no way something just as bad wasn’t going to rear its head before long.  The villagers seemed to even be looking forward to it.

My new schedule over the past few days was first thing in the morning, venturing out in the forest with Komekko and Iris farming monsters and learning which of a seemingly endless variety of horrifying demons our archwizard was going to summon for our entertainment today.  Meanwhile Iris did her level best to not gib her targets so I could get some XP from them, but that didn’t always work out.  Even with her replacement plain iron sword I once saw her take down some kind of tree sized venus flytrap by carving it in half lengthwise.  Needless to say, I tried to make our breaks for rest or snacks as long as possible, though my arguments that my people were inherently nocturnal and we should really only start the day around noon didn’t get far.

Speaking of beautiful, terrifying women.  Komekko was cute in a normal, girl next door way, a solid 7 when she cleaned up a bit.  Back home, totally dateable if you liked the petite type.  Here, that seemed to be where Crimson Demon women started out.  I’d never seen a magazine quality Perfect 10 in real life before I met Iris, but I ran out of fingers and was well into toes to count them on by the time I finished exploring the Village.  With about 200 women total even counting all ages, that just doesn’t happen outside a pornstar convention.  Between that and this ‘mysterious facility’ Benny mentioned, a man had to wonder.

Anyway, in the afternoons I sat in on some of the classes the village school had.  Not for long though, apparently my poses and proclamations of doom were more than acceptable once I started channeling my chuuni past at full strength, but I just didn’t have the magic horsepower to use the spells they were throwing around.  By far the most fun I’ve had in school though, I might’ve stayed in and graduated if I’d gotten to invoke the protection of my inner demons before gym class.

Instead, I got some tutoring with Rain, mostly on things that would be common sense to anyone born here, with some magic theory and basic skill mechanics thrown in.  On the one hand, private time with a cute, older librarian type.  On the other…

“I’m sorry, can you repeat that?”  I asked the, I thought,  refreshingly sane archwizard.  

“I…suppose.  My family is nothing noteworthy, a minor border barony near old Elroad.  We grew herring and trout for the market mostly, but father wanted to…”

“Right, that.  Right there.  You said ‘grow’ fish.  Like you had a big pond or water tank or something they swam around in?”

She tilted her head curiously, short blonde hair swaying.  “No, of course not.  Our climate was all wrong for garlic.  We grew them both in fields by rotation as most do in our region.   We…well we’re not a wealthy house so I did my share of time sowing eggs during planting as a little girl before I went off to the Academy.”

I closed my eyes and tried not to weep.  Fish, actual scaly with gills and all fish, grown in a field of dirt.  This on top of my first encounter with the local vegetables the other day, the baked potato wasn’t bad but the fresh squash nearly took a finger.  Who designed this place?  And how do I find them so I can slap them?

“Whatever, nevermind,” I sighed. “So…”

“We’ve drifted a bit off topic,”  Rain interjected firmly. “And we’ve become somewhat behind schedule as well.  Consider the following scenario, you are invited to an informal dinner with a host of count rank…”

And that was the rest of my day, before blessed freedom came along.

Dinner that night was Horned Rabbit haunches fried in butter with spicy herbs of some sort.  It turned out that spices were even more valuable and hard to acquire here than the same time period at home, given that ‘set your hair on fire’ wasn’t just describing their flavor for some of those hell plants.  

Yunyun and Benny were having dinner with their son that night, so it was just Iris, Rain, and I since Komekko said something about meeting her new staff.  I didn’t think she was rich enough to have actual servants at her age, but then again you wouldn’t peg Iris as a queen by looking at her the last few days either given she’d been rocking the rugged adventurer look instead.   

“It says much about my life that this has been the best holiday I’ve had in years,” Iris chuckled, carving into her portion. “I must say I’m tempted to make it a yearly event.”

“Claire would never stand for it,” Rain admonished her liege. “Nor would I if you attempted to have me take over the government for so long each year.”  

“You’d mentioned her before, what’s she like?” I asked, only to receive a glare from Rain.  Right, dinner practice. I cleared my throat and rephrased to match the high flown style I was supposed to be learning. 

“She was and remains one of my closest retainers,” Iris answered. “She entered my service when I was but a girl, and has acted faithfully and prudently since.  I treasure her as one of my confidantes, thus you shall also be spending much time in her company.”

“She is somewhat strict in her conduct, not only of herself but others as well,” Rain added. “Though she measures herself by a harsher standard than she would ever impose upon another.  If you meet your mark she will ever be a valuable ally, but she is utterly without mercy for those that do not.”

Right, basically my natural enemy.  Got it.

---------------------------------

I was contemplating going out for a drink later that night when a light knock sounded on the door of my guest room.  

“Kazuma, are you available?” my party leader asked through the door.

“Sure, come on in!” I’ve never been in the habit of refusing any woman that wants to visit my bedroom after all.

Iris entered, looking grave.

“So…what’s on your mind, Your majesty,” I asked, already beginning to worry. 

“I suppose I should be asking that of you,” she returned. “I need to talk about the last few days”

1. My heart sank, nothing good ever came of a woman needing to talk.

Seeing my understanding, she continued “I won’t waste time then if you already understand.  We are expending a significant amount of resources to make you combat ready as soon as possible.  Yet if anything your own efforts have steadily waned ever since our first hunt together.  Why?”

As she spoke, she’d crossed the room from the door to the couch I’d been lying on reading to look down on me.  She was in what passed for casual wear with her, hair down loose around her shoulders from her usual working braid, and a ruffle hemmed,  ankle length blue silk nightgown that probably cost more than the average warhorse swishing just above her bare feet.  

“I…” I hesitated in the face of her intent stare.  Not disgusted, like I’d half expected. Or even angry.   I was used to those from prior experience, like it or not.  But like she was watching every move I made like a cat tracking a bird, planning when to pounce.

“Go on.  I’m not needed anywhere tonight and neither are you,” she reminded me levelly.  No chance of stalling then.  I looked away, noting that she painted her toenails to match the purple grape hair clasp she sometimes wore.  Unexpectedly girly of her. 

She cleared her throat impatiently.  “I’m…I keep thinking about the Moguunin,” I finally said in a rush.  She stayed quiet, but I couldn’t meet her eyes to see her face. “It's like…I’ve never been in a fight in my life unless you count throwing sand at each other in the playground as kids.  And that?  According to Benny, that's going to be my life from now on!” I exclaimed. “Yeah, I signed on to fight a Demon King, and I know you don’t do that by playing rock, paper, scissors.  I…just now finally understood what I got into.”

“And how much work you’re going to have to put into achieving it,” she added.  I flinched, but grudgingly nodded.  Having her call me out cut deeper than it would from anyone else, but what could I say?

“I, well I carry some blame for that.  Yunyun, Bennet, and Rain came as close to calling me an absolute idiot as loyal vassals can without slipping into Lèse - majesté .  Even my first hunt at 13 wasn’t that exciting, nor my first battle a year later.  And I was far better prepared for both.”  

She slid onto the couch next to me, tucking her gown in around her as she did.  “Belzerg is not a kind place, for all that I love this land and its people.  Nor is it anything like your home, though I hope you’ll come to regard it as such in time.  No combat is ever truly safe, but your first few battles should have been much more controlled affairs at least.  For what it may be worth, I and the others agree you did as well as anyone could have.  Komekko tells me it was your idea to channel the lightning into the exposed wires in Moguunin’s leg rather than use Light of Saber and risk shooting past me or take time moving to a better position.  She may have gotten the XP for the kill, but you do share some of the credit.”

“But that is going to be what it's like, once the training wheels come off and we go out for real,” I persisted.  

Iris nodded. “You will be much better prepared, but the Generals will be much more dangerous in turn.  I won’t promise it will be easy.  But, I can promise one thing.”  She lay a hand on my knee, leaning in close as my heart started not so much skipping beats as jackhammering them out. 

“I promise you can do this.  I told you, the memories of Princess Iris I received are the entire reason I brought you here.  And make no mistake, he had far less support than you’ve received and was younger as well.  If he could beat the odds and bring us victory, you can as well.”  

She leaned back out again, though her hand stayed in place.  “I told you of my family’s tradition, yes?  Princess Iris gave up her chance to wed her beloved hero but I intend to do no such thing.  Though while the Princess loved her Kazuma with all her heart, I refuse to chase down a man who doesn't show he’s worth my time.”

She rose from her seat, smoothing her gown before tucking a loose bit of hair back behind an ear.  “But for one who does?  I’d walk up to even an Axis altar if he was waiting for me beside it.”  With that, she leaned down and before I could even think pressed her lips briefly but firmly to mine.  

My whole everything stopped.  It's should be no surprise to anybody by now that that was my first kiss that wasn’t a playground dare.  Before I could even think about anything besides sheer shock, she broke it off and leaned upright again.

“Think it over.  For now, goodnight,” she said again, slightly flushed as she fixed her hair again, then stepped quickly for the door.  As it closed behind her, I slumped back and held my head in despair.  

Did I want that?  Desperation, danger, probably bodily harm?  At that moment I’d have sneered, and said bring it on.  

Could I do it?  Be the kind of hero that could win the war, and prove to someone who’s the complete package like her that I was more than just Trashzuma the WonderNEET?  

Gods only knew.

AN:

Bennet comes from Genshin Impact if anyone's curious.  The unluckiest man in the game, but an all around good lad despite it.

Chapter Text

Iris’ turn

Mornings in the Crimson Demon Village start a lot like mornings anywhere.  The crows of roosters, warm sunlight creeping through drawn curtains, the echoing boom of a monster wandering too close to the perimeter and paying the price.

I slept well, in spite of my heart to heart with Kazuma.  And lip to lip.  Princess Iris had never had the nerve or the opportunity for it, and it was her loss.  He wasn’t any more experienced at the business than I was with how heavily chaperoned my visits with Revi had been, but it was far from the horror stories I’d overheard from the  staff or my vassals.

Swinging my legs out of the scandalously small, by royal standards, bed came next.  I found my gear neatly laid out on a mannequin in the corner, and Rain knocking gently at the door not a moment later.  How she always knew was a mystery for the ages. I’d never learned of any such spell for it.

“Your majesty,” she bowed briefly on entering, holding another of the practical outfits I’d insisted on for the duration.  There was a time and place for full regalia, but this was far from it.  And it wouldn’t have impressed the Villagers anyway.  Unless I could convince them my tiara held a dark and terrible curse, dooming all who wore it to the endless agonies of bureaucracy. 

“Good morning, Rain,” I nodded back, exchanging my nightwear for her burden.  No point in freshening up more than my hands and face when we were likely to be covered in ichor later.  “What have our hosts provided for us today?”

“Chief Yunyun and family are still abed,” she chuckled, “however our fellow guest seems to have matters well in hand.  Also, this arrived with the morning post rider.” she added, handing across a sealed message bearing Claire’s personal crest as head of Sinfonia House.

“Two mysteries for the price of one, and the sun barely risen,” I mused as I sat back down on the bed and opened the letter, unfolding it to find Claire’s angular script.

Blessings of Eris upon you my liege,

It is with the greatest hopes of success that I await your missive on the outcome of your most daring, intrepid, even shall I say dauntless pursuit.  Though it is an undertaking most worthy of your honored forebearers any of whom would be happy to claim credit for..

Oh, lovely.  This was going to be one of those letters.  Claire was nothing if not punctilious, but she reserved her most courtly and fashionable language for when her temper was near to boiling and she was maintaining control at all costs.  It had been barely over a week since my departure for heaven’s sake, I barely had my feet under me to report back.  My dread at the task of putting my adventure to words had nothing to do with it.

“‘And don’t think I didn’t notice that quip about my forebears, Duchess Sinfonia,’’ I grumbled.  She’d made her opinion of my house’s tendency to lead from the front and by example crystal clear over the course of our relationship.   For my part I maintained that tradition existed for a reason and soldiers noble and common alike responded far better to being led than being driven.  Though the example of my father and elder brother made it difficult to gainsay her on the risks.

Let’s see, skipping a bit asking for details on what we’d accomplished, it seems the full news of Seresdina hasn’t reached the capital yet...Here we are.

… please advise on our current stance vis a vis your continued absence from the capital.  Our current ploy of maintaining you are present with one of the field forces to the peerage residing here, and in the capital or gracing another force to our commanders seems to be nearing the terminus of its usefulness.  

At this time I estimate no longer than a handful of days before I simply must produce a Queen whole and in the flesh to one group or another or face accusations of either your untimely end or abdication and flight to Elroad City for a life of debauchery.

That was irritating, though a quick Teleport to the capital shouldn’t unduly inconvenience anyone and would remove the need for me to write and encipher a letter.  It was a shame Rizlet wasn’t still available for duty as my body double.  She had gotten quite good at fielding routine Royal Presence matters for suitable compensation while I had dealt with much more pressing, and exciting, tasks.  But her height and figure had come in before mine did, and heels and padding could only do so much, alas.   Her husband was an apothecary of note as I recalled, he might have some insight on what we’d brought back from Kazuma’s world now that what I was doing was about to become public knowledge anyway.

I filed the thought for later.  Onward.  Claire finished up her message with a grocer’s list of notable happenings.  Alongside general stasis at the border forts and frontier were two noble weddings I would need to send congratulations for, and a funeral’s condolences.  Old age this time at least, all too often it was for one near my age or even younger.

Folding the letter, I left it aside for the moment while Rain helped me into my boots.  “It seems I’ll need to make a side trip to the capital today for at least a day or two.  Is there anything that we should deal with beforehand?”

My aide shook her head. “No, not at this time your Majesty. I believe a morning or two for extra scholarly work will do Kazuma no harm at all.”

“Excellent! Now, what has he been up to in the kitchen then?”

As it turned out, something called waffles.

“That smells wonderful,” Rain commented wistfully as we entered the dining room to find a silver tray piled with the curious looking quilted cakes along with a selection of fruit toppings.

Kazuma turned from where he was placing a set of sausages on a side plate, then immediately looked back at the plate before collecting himself.  “A good morning to you, my ladies,” he bowed in Belzerg’s style with only a slight hitch from converting it from Japan’s version.  “And how has the day treated you thus far?“ 

“Quite well, my thanks for your concern,” I answered with equal formality.  Good, I knew he could handle the etiquette lessons if he actually paid attention.   Relaxing into the chair at the head of the table, I gave a casual wave at our food.  “Don’t let me keep you, help yourselves.  Where did these come from?  Beatrice?”  

He shook his head.  “I wanted to try out how much a new skill could do for something I knew absolutely nothing about, and the Cooking skill seemed harmless. If every skill works like this it's almost cheating.”  

Given he couldn’t even fry an egg last week, that was an understatement.     

One of the benefits of the Adventurer class, the only one really, was the ability to master any skill of any other class.  The conventional wisdom was the penalty to any stat gains canceled out the admittedly easier leveling for the most part. 

“The end results did not disgrace Betty’s kitchen, I suppose,” the blonde spirit agreed, seeming to appear from thin air and prompting him to jump and half spin to face her.  “The beginnings were only fit for dogs, but at least he is one who can be taught.  With great effort.”

“I love you too, Bee,” Kazuma rolled his eyes as he turned back and fixed a plate for himself.  

“Shortening my name to Betty is already too familiar for the likes of you,” she sniffed.  “I shall only make allowances since you gifted a recipe young Sagittarius will approve of.”

“He isn’t the only one,” Rain added. “These are quite nice, how did you get them so crisp?”

“We have a special pan back home for them, with criss-crossed ridges to make them hold toppings better.  But thanks to the Cooking skill I knew that a plain grill pan for roasting meat would work almost as well.  A little trial and error later…”   He shrugged with a bit of embarrassment. 

“It might be worth ordering a proper pan for them then, new dishes for working brunches are always welcome.  The ambassador from Yurgenschmidt is famous for her sweet tooth,” I reminded Rain, who made a slight nod of agreement.  

That settled, we sampled the rest of the offerings.   Totally ordinary sausages, fried potatoes, and fruit, with the only difference from what would be served on any common table in the kingdom being the unusually high EXP present from being freshly hunted in this particular forest.  Claire would no doubt have something suitably refined waiting for me at lunch, but if I had to pick I’d rather have this with a group of companions than be alone in the private salon with the castle chef’s finest.

Speaking of.  “I received a note from the capital this morning, I’ll need to return for approximately the next two days to deal with unfinished business during my absence.  I shall leave you in Rain’s care until then.  I’m certain she can find ways to keep you occupied,” I warned Kazuma, who’d begun looking pleased at an unexpected day off.

He glanced at me again, and apparently found some extra motivation since he nodded firmly. “Sure, I might need to brush up.  Maybe put in that waffle pan order with the town smith too? If he’s good enough for your armor fix then this should be a piece of cake for him.”

“Certainly, the metalworkers of all types in the Village are among the finest in the kingdom. I’ll leave it to you then.  When you do, be sure to discuss any other utensils you think would be useful with him.  One can never have too many fresh new treats for jaded noble palates.”    

The lord and lady of the house arrived then, along with their son who did indeed approve as only a small child can, so I relayed the same message and stayed for a short while before taking my leave.

---------------------

I sent a reply by Teleport, then spent the next several hours bathing, redoing my hair, and changing into something far more suitable, and equally less comfortable before one of the Crimson Demons teleported me in turn to the plaza outside the palace.

It was by then closing in on lunch time, and the four ceremonial guards were in the middle of changing their shifts.  They immediately turned to salute in perfect order, polished breastplates and halberd blades gleaming under the slightly clouded sky.  The visible squad of actual guards on the battlements gave a salute as well, fist to chest, from positions at their tripod mounted crossbows on either side of the gatehouse as I passed the outer gates.  Within, the inner gate was already swinging open, lighting up the interior ahead of me.  

All very intimidating, with the murder holes above and the not quite faded stains in the flagstones from past use, had I not been sneaking out a few times a year since I was a girl.

Duchess Claire Sinfonia awaited me on the other side, alongside a detachment of the palace guard polished to their most glittering best.

As always my Prime Minister looked every millimeter the part, wearing a crisp white suit and tie with a mantle at her shoulders.  Cinched at the waist was a blue braided leather belt carrying a rapier, matching the old fashioned stripe dyed in her bangs as a house symbol.  

“Welcome, your majesty,” she bowed as I halted before them.  “The East Hall awaits your pleasure.”

“It pleases me to find all is well within my walls.  By my leave,” I gestured onwards, and the guards formed up around us, Claire joining beside me as we entered the palace proper.

“Your vacation was relaxing, I trust?” Claire murmured softly.

“And productive,” I agreed similarly. “You have Rain’s report, no doubt?”

She gave a fractional nod while remaining silent as the various functionaries and messengers parted around us at the sound of our escort’s boots on the tiled floors. 

The palace was only partially the Royal Residence, most of the government also operated within it.  Thus while the East Wing was furnished as you’d expect, the rest was somewhat more utilitarian.  Soon enough, the tile and woodwork of the working areas gave way to the marble and embroidered tapestries of the Residence.

The East Hall was a bright, airy place thanks to a remodel in my brother’s reign substituting Lugunican styled floor to ceiling leaded glass windows in between the arched and fluted support columns.  Rain hated the place, she claimed it was unsafe for so much stone to have been removed for the windows.  I suspected it had more to do with the feeling of looking over a third floor precipice with nothing blocking your fall that kept her well back from them the rare times she entered.

The current fashion in noble society was to dine lightly in the morning and noon meals, reserving evenings for any serious social feasting.  So only a tea set and selection of bite sized sandwiches cut in a variety of shapes kept us company.  

“Now then,” Claire began as the doors closed behind the stewards, leaving us alone at the round, polished black marble table in the middle of the room.  

“But aren’t you forgetting something?” I reminded her archly, before she could gather momentum.

With that, she stepped around the table and hugged me close as soon as I stood as well.  “Welcome home, Iris.  You don’t know how worried I was when you went yourself instead of sending Lalatina, nevermind taking days to return on your second trip,” she said softly into my hair.

My eyes misted, with Father and Jatis gone she and Rain were the closest thing I had to family outside my nephew Nicholas.  Rain had always been too conscious of her status to be more than a close attendant, but Claire had stepped into a surrogate mother role long ago.

“I could hardly send a pregnant woman in my place,” I protested, releasing my grip after a long enough moment.  Nor would I have sent anyone other than myself under any circumstances, but there was no reason to mention that.

“No, perhaps not,” she followed suit, returning to her seat once I had as well.  “She was very disappointed, you know, but Alexei refused to hear of it either.”

“I could hardly blame her, she missed the experience of a lifetime,” I smiled softly.

Claire frowned at that, taking up her cup. “Rain did send a report, days ago, though she seemed to know only little of the details, and…” her face took on a pensive look  “What she did report was all so strange.  Even were I not being harried daily regarding your whereabouts I would have requested your presence simply to make sense of it all.  Before the circus I am expecting from the public announcement descends on us.”

There was that.  The last time a General fell was years ago, and Beldia was far less hated than Seresdina and her tendency to take hostage whole towns.  Even then it was practically a public holiday even without a formal proclamation.

“We needed a victory, and Kazuma gave us one gift wrapped,” I agreed instead. “I haven’t organized my own thoughts fully, as yet.  But I can tell you my first impression when the spell’s light faded was of a tall, smooth, stone and glass building stretching higher than the palace towers in the late evening light…”

We worked our way through the tea and sandwiches as I spoke, it was well into the afternoon when I began to wrap up with more current events.

Claire had kept her questions short and few, as I spoke, taking the story in between bites and sips with only the occasional change of expression.

“And this morning he made a delightful breakfast for us.  If we can duplicate the recipe, or better still the proper version, it has real potential as a dish for morning soirees.  Which does remind me, I should have him order a palm sized pan for finger food sized versions in addition to the larger one.”

“I’m sure we can arrange something with one of the smiths.  Still, it was bravery bordering on foolishness to challenge Seresdina as he did.  Had his plan failed even slightly…” she grimaced.

“Hardly, she had every reason not to kill him.  Especially once she believed the choker was attached since it blocked summoning him here.  And if she ran before I arrived we were no worse off than if we hadn’t tried at all.”

“She could have left him blinded, paralyzed, or crippled otherwise as easily as killing him for betrayal,” Claire reminded me grimly. “Though I will allow it worked out the best we could hope for. Hopefully his disorientation from his new status passes and he continues to be useful.”

I nodded in agreement with her assessment, cold as it was.  Much like our tea, the pot itself long since oversteeped and cooled to room temperature, nevermind my cup.  But this had been too sensitive a discussion to let the staff have any opportunity to eavesdrop.

Refilling anyway, I realized that until I’d had to put everything from that bewildering day into words I hadn’t fully appreciated just how difficult it had to have been for Kazuma to go into harm’s way.  Especially knowing now how ill prepared and vulnerable he had been, and still was.  And yet he’d gone all the same.

There was a lesson in that, perhaps.

A thought for another time if so, Claire was eyeing me speculatively and that was rarely a good sign.

“Count Dulkelfelger’s wedding tomorrow morning seems a splendid opportunity to show general society you’re very much alive and well.  A brief appearance to present a suitable gift of course, no reason to overshadow the proceedings entirely.  Though Marshal Tallon is hosting a garden party this afternoon, and he is never one to turn away a chance for prestige…” my supposed ally went on brightly, gladly relinquishing my full share of royal duties into my ever more dismayed hands.  

Chapter Text

Kazuma’s turn

I’d been lost for ideas all night on how to take Iris up on her offer.  Sure, I could have just started doing what I was told, and I would.  Mostly.  But that just seemed…well I was the last person to sing the virtues of hard work for its own sake.  ‘The hardest worker is the biggest loser’ had been my motto for years, and given what I'd seen waiting for me at the time I still couldn’t say I was wrong.

But with a goal that I couldn’t resist right in front of me?  That demanded better than just paying attention in class and shanking crippled monsters.  For once, my NEET skills came in handy outside of a boss raid.  I’d spent all night pacing the room trying to remember and write down anything that seemed even vaguely profitable.  Pretty quickly I’d hit on cuisine, given how much Iris had liked the food on our lunch date. 

The one really parental thing my father ever did for us was cook breakfast Saturday mornings before he went in for a half day at work.  Sometimes traditional miso, rice, and grilled fish.  Others western style like cinnamon toast, eggs, and bacon.  But my favorite had always been waffles.  I’d loved waking up to oil and butter in the air on those mornings.  And from what I’d seen of the food so far they should do just fine here.

So I’d gone down to the kitchen well before sunrise with the beginnings of a plan, looking for the spirit of the house.  

To ask to borrow the kitchen to make an experimental food she’d never heard of.  But, first could she teach me how to cook? 

When I put it that way it's kind of amazing she didn’t throw me out on the spot.

Still, mission accomplished!  After Iris left to change, and Yunyun and Benny to make the rounds of the village, I was left with Rain and her review course.

So as our lunch break came around I found myself reciting the kingdom’s geography so I wouldn’t make a fool of myself having to ask where some count’s turf was.

“That will do for this morning I believe,” Rain announced once I’d finished more or less correctly. “Even Lady Claire and I would be hard pressed to name any but the most prominent baronies, but most lower nobility will specify which county they hold fief in for that reason.”

“Thanks, I’d been dreading that ever since I saw the stack you carried in with you,” I joked.  “I’ll be back next bell then?”

She nodded. “Do be a dear and get me a turkey sandwich from the pub on your way back?”

Agreeing, I stepped outside and left her to her real job for a while.

The village blacksmith was near the edge of town, not surprisingly.  Even standing outside the place the heat was beginning to stick my shirt to my chest, the idea of spending all day every day in the middle of that made me wonder if smiths were human.  

Bracing myself, I stepped through the open  doorway and rang the heavy brass bell on the counter.

Thankfully, during my past few days wandering the village dodging work I’d already met the owner.  When the girls did the whole self introduction thing I could at least appreciate it.   But having a scarred, half bald bruiser older than my dad go on about ‘chaining souls to power his ancestor’s forge’ was a lot to take on an empty stomach.

“Well met!  What brings you to the finest smithy for twenty leagues?”  The man himself asked as he bellied up to the counter.

“Morning, Luhan,”  I replied, taking out a folded piece of paper from my pocket and spreading  it out.  “I’ve got a custom job for you, nothing big though.  I’d like a pan about this big, with this pattern cast in the bottom…”

Maybe 30 minutes later, the deal was struck and I was on my way.  Half of that was letting him convince me the waffle iron really needed relief carvings of wheat on the handles and a howling wolf motif on one lid and screaming eagle on the other.  Apparently even cookware the Queen would never lay eyes on needed to be works of art, who knew?

That side job done, and the little list of projects that much shorter since I’d handed off a sketch of the pizza stone, deep dish pan, and an all corners lasagna/brownie pan while I was at it, I headed off to the most misleadingly named pub in the kingdom.

Over a pint of lager and some roast pork, I mulled over the other thing that had been on my mind.

I felt like a tween age girl just thinking it, but kissing Iris had been one of the biggest events of my life, and it didn’t seem to matter to her at all.

Not that she seemed to have hated it, as best I could tell.  And it wasn’t as though I’d expected her to announce it at the breakfast table or anything.  But…damnation I’d expected something .  A flirty wink when no one was looking maybe, or some ‘accidental’ brushing hands passing dishes.  Like the girls in class used to gush about in their dramas or mangas.

Of course I’d be lucky to be ‘background character A’ in any of those stories, so maybe I ought to be happy with what I had.   Any real romance story events would probably summon a real romance hero that would kick me out of the running faster than you could say ‘the moon is beautiful’.

On that cheerful thought, I realized I’d finished my beer and boar without ever really tasting either.   Waving to Nerimaki on my way out, I was about to head back to the Chief’s house with Rain’s sandwich in spite of it being almost an hour before I was due.

Which reminded me.  Frowning, I tried to push past the slight fuzziness I hadn’t quite been drinking long enough to get a tolerance to.  Rain.  She was a girl.  Well, woman.  So was Yunyun, plus a wife and mother too.  That was a 200% increase in the number of women willing to talk to me for more than a few sentences.  300%, with Komekko.   And the first thing an Adventurer learns is that you should use ALL of your assets.  If I wanted to know what was going on with Iris, some reconnaissance seemed to be a good place to start.  Rain and Yunyun both had real jobs, so I’d wait for later on them.  That left Komekko, but she might be the better place to start anyway.  Sure she’s crazy, but she’s also more or less our age and was probably the least likely to report straight back to Iris.

My plan complete, I set my course for Komekko’s house.

She didn’t answer the door, but I did hear activity from around the back so I rounded the side of the house to find someone hard at work hanging up bedding to dry.

She had her back turned to me, but I was sure I hadn’t seen her at the laundry tornado, and she had the kind of figure I’d remember.  Long legs under a black miniskirt, tanned skin, tight waist, and long curly blonde hair hiding most of a white tube top.  

And hand sized purple bat wings poking out from either side of her head.  

Time stopped, like I’d stepped into the Matrix.  In that moment, I felt like I could dodge bullets, if only I could make myself move.  

The one good thing about my lazing around the last few days is it gave me a lot of time to chat up the adventuring parties training here.  I’d learned quickly that for a few drinks and some conversation most of them were happy to show off what they could do to an easily impressed noob, and my Adventurer Card had filled up with skills faster than I could say ‘I’ll buy this round.’

With the advanced skills you actually had to study to know what you’re doing, which is why the Crimson Demons even bothered having a school at all instead of just a big magic swap meet once in a while.  But the basic stuff?  That you could get working for you instantly.

“BIND!” I shrieked manfully, grabbing the clothesline full of bedding and dumping my entire store of mana into it.  The whole assembly writhed to life like the world’s freshest smelling tentacle monster, wrapping the girl shaped hellspawn up like a cocoon from the nose down with a quickly muffled shriek.

Breathing heavily from the mana dump, I stared down at the neatly wrapped package at my feet as I stumbled up.  ‘She’ stared back, eyes tearing and making increasingly frantic sounding muffled noises.  

Before I could start asking questions,  I heard something BIG crashing through the forest heading this way.  Deciding my curiosity could wait, I booked it in the other direction.

———————

“CHIEF!  YUNYUN!” I bellowed as I half stumbled, half ran down the street and swerved into the yard in a panic a couple minutes later.  The woman  in question looked up with a start from where she and Benny had been sharing lunch on the back porch.

“Kazuma?  What in…” she began quizzically.  “Here, drink.  Breathe.  No, breathe slower,” she chided as I nearly hyperventilated.

“Demon in the VIllage at Komekko’s, barely got away,” I gasped after doing both. “Looked like a hot girl, but something big started coming through the trees after I got it with Bind, no idea if that’s what it really is.” I finished in a rush.  

Her expression clouded, eyes beginning to glow ominously.  “Did you now?  Well, let’s go see about that then,” she snapped, tossing her napkin down beside her plate.

After a much slower, though still pretty brisk, walk back the way I’d come the three of us found ourselves behind Komekkos’s house, the scene mostly as I’d left it.

One cocoon girl, still whimpering?  Check

One huge, black, bat winged, monster almost as tall as the house.  Pretty much what I expected was coming to eat my face?   Check

One heaping portion of gratuitous magical violence?  Still pending, but it sounded like the Chief Couple might be down for it on the way here. 

“Oh, ‘ey!  Glad you came back!” The bigger demon greeted me cheerfully with a wave.  “You did a number on this Bind, and if I try to cut her loose with these I’d open her up neck to knees,” he showed the steak knife sized claws on each fingertip.   To the sudden, awful silence of his gift wrapped partner.

“Hoost,” Benny nodded back.  “I thought we had this talk already.  No coming near the Village before dark when it's tourist season.”

“Hol’ up there!  I’m an innocent bystander, all I heard was Carla here scream and came running.  I wasn’t anywhere in eyeshot of the place,” the probably really high level demon protested with open hands.  “Ask her what the problem was, all I know is I’m gonna have to start all over tracking that bear down I was eyeing for dinner.”

“Good, you’ve been out here enough times I hated to think you were slipping,” Yunyun breathed a sigh of relief.  “We’ll take it up with Carla then, good hunting to you.”  

“Much obliged,” Hoost raised a hand in goodbye, and padded back into the tree line a lot more stealthily than something his size ought to be able to.

“Ah,”  I began.  “I’ve gotta ask before we go any further here.  Am I about to be, like, guilty of treason or something?  Please, please tell me Iris knows about all this.  I’d never survive prison even back home, never mind here.”

“Right, well.  So much for our secret weapon,” Benny grunted, lifting the bundled demon onto one shoulder and carrying her inside.  “Don’t worry, you’re not going to prison.”  He turned to grin over one shoulder at me.  “We don’t imprison traitors here, they get staked out near a monster colony and we let nature take its course.  Free tip, if they give you a choice pick anything but the Mimics.  The paranoia will drive you insane long before something comes along and actually nibbles on you.”

“Stop it,” his wife shushed him as she let us in. “No one is getting eaten today.  The number of people who know about our visitors fits on your fingers, but her majesty is one of them,” she assured me. “If you would?” She asked after we were inside and Benny set Carla down.  

“Oh, sure,” I released the Bind, and the various sheets and clotheslines fell away from the demoness with a ‘whump’ on the wood floor.  

It was my first time inside a home that wasn’t the Chief’s and it was pretty much what I expected of this village.  

Creepy sigils lovingly carved into the crown mounding, a tapestry  on the wall opposite the windows that seemed to show a mushroom cloud over some poor doomed encampment and a red clad figure in the foreground probably responsible for it.  Dark stained wooden shelves full of tomes that looked worn, ancient, and for all I knew contained nothing but baby photos.

The furniture was pretty standard though, so we sat at the table while Carla rubbed some feeling back into her limbs, glaring balefully at me all the while.  

“I’m going to have to go back and wash those, jackass,” she began petulantly. “I’m not a meathead like Hoost, and don’t have the Strength stat to enjoy dragging all that all the way across the village twice.”

“Young lady, you've got bigger problems than having to redo your chores,”  Yunyun corrected her grimly.  “And I don’t care how many centuries old you actually are when I say that.   You’re luckier than you deserve that it was Kazuma that saw you and not one of my Clan or a tourist, and that he had the sense to come to me instead of calling a general alarm.  If either of those things hadn’t happened there wouldn’t be enough of you left to scrape off a boot!”  She snapped.  “Which is why I’m sending you straight back to Axel for Beth to deal with!”  That said, she did just that with a cast of Teleport before the target could make a sound.

Benny raised his eyebrows, turning from the empty seat to Yunyun. 

“Awww.  Now I’ve gotta deal with this mess,” a different voice came from the door before he could comment.  Its owner rounded the corner from the entryway, frowning at the misshapen pile of linens and line.  

“Komekko.  So when you told me about ‘recruiting staff’ that was a code for recruiting double agents,”  I nodded to myself.  “You really had me fooled there.”

She looked away quickly, finding the view out the window suddenly fascinating.  “Ah…no.  No, I told you the honest truth.  Hoost has been bringing me dinners off and on for years, and other demons rotate through once in a while,” the shortest archwizard in the room admitted with uncharacteristic awkwardness.   “Carla was pretty new though.  Sounds like she didn’t work out?”

“She was outside hanging laundry without any disguise at all, so no,” Benny informed her.  “We just sent her back to Axel, so unless Hoost is better than I think at the job you’ll need to handle your own drying tonight.”

“Wait.  So you’ve really been summoning super powerful demons…to do your housework?”  I asked, stunned.  “Are you for real?!”

“What?” Komekko snapped back, leaning forward belligerently with her hands on her hips. “She was a succubus, that’s not even a mid level demon, never mind a powerful one.  And I’ve known Hoost since I was six, he’s practically family!  Plus,  you’ve been eating meals provided by a greater spirit anyway!  What’s the difference?”

“Bee isn’t being asked to overthrow the Spirit Kingdom, for one.”

“Enough, both of you,”  Yunyun interrupted.  “I’ll be the first to admit I was…skeptical when I heard what was happening.”  Komekko coughed loudly.  “Fine, I said you were insane even for one of us.  My point is, against all odds it seems to be working.  Being a lower level demon is a hard life, even mid ranking ones have little say in their fates.  Komekko might ask some nominal service from them for form’s sake, but they’re otherwise left to live their lives as they see fit.  Something demons of their status would never receive at home.   Between that and her natural affinity for summoning you have an opportunity to split the Demon King’s forces we can’t possibly pass up.”  

“And I haven’t cleaned or cooked since I was 12.  So everybody wins!”  Komekko added cheerfully.  “Though it has been tough to recruit many higher ranking demons besides Hoost.  They’ve got too much to lose, I guess.”

That made sense.  Why rock the boat when it wasn’t sinking, or something like that.  

“And of course the minute the Demon King even suspects we’ve been seducing his minions away, anybody even remotely disloyal looking is dead.”  I nodded understanding.  “I’ll keep quiet, no problem.”

“Good, we’ve been at this long enough as it is and it's almost the fourth bell,”  Benny noted.  “Time we all got back to work, I think.”

Speaking of whom, Rain never did get her sandwich that day.  Which surely had nothing to do with my having to spend an hour the next morning learning the largest lakes on the continent alphabetically.

Chapter Text

Iris' turn

I really should have known better.

I've been a queen for three years now, and first princess for a decade prior to that.  It was completely predictable that two days in the capital would quickly balloon into nearly two weeks between social obligations, formal cabinet meetings, and 'kitchen cabinet' meetings with my closest advisors. All the general business of running a kingdom at war that Claire, the 'loyal' vassal she was, ensured found me whether I liked it or not.

The one positive was the sample items from the Crimson Demons had time to arrive, so at least my working meals had some new additions.

"Be reasonable, this is the most exclusive dish in the kingdom," I pointed out to my Prime Minister, tucking a bit of cheese back on my pizza slice as I removed it from the serving tray between us. "Not even your or Tina's families have the recipe yet. How much more refined an experience could you wish for?" I teased her, who was still eyeing the slice on her own plate dubiously.

"Must you eat it with your hands?" she replied with resigned exasperation.

"The cucumber and tomato sandwiches you always have are finger food," I rejoined, folding the slice in half lengthwise to make a quasi-sandwich. "See, no difference at all."

"My sandwiches won't get grease on the documents," she grumbled, but followed suit and took a hesitant bite. Then a few more as the first failed to poison her with peasant vulgarity or the like.

"Speaking of grease, and wheels that need it," Claire continued where she had left off before our meal arrived. "Our outlay for the Royal Cavalry is due for review as well."

I grimaced around my pizza but had to agree.  They'd been used hard in the Marchlands, stamping out brush fires and raids from the demons, as well as launching their own.  I'd be using them even more to run reconnaissance in force if my plan paid off.

"They likely earned it, can we find an extra 20% in the budget for them?"

Claire considered, wiping her mouth on a napkin. "Perhaps. No more certainly.”

“And the road improvement budget?”  I asked.

"Nothing likely for most roads, you've ridden enough of them to know what a task that would be," she snorted, recalling the rutted tracks most freight moved over. "The royal roads to Elroad or out to Lugunica could perhaps be done, though float carriages are preferred there for good reason.  I'm afraid road maintenance has been a casualty of war for too long, never mind new construction."

----------------

That night, I wrote another pair of messages to the Village. One a straightforward update and apology for my tardiness. The other...it was sealed but unciphered, and I could almost pity anyone that intercepted it trying to look for hidden messages.

Hear me my companions, in my utmost extremity of need.  When the blackness of the night doth bid fair to envelop my soul within its fell embrace, I hark back fondly to our most felicitous meeting and yearn to spend it with the boon companions whom I have grown to clasp near, and make known to you both a further aid and helpmate to our grand vision in Lady Sylphina of Dustiness.   

Should you be of like mind and yearning, know that a place shall be made ready for you until such time as partings force themselves upon us once more.

Iris

Kazuma's turn

"Well, you two?"  Rain asked as she finished reading the letter.

Involuntarily, my head tilted as I tried to interpret the 'literary masterpiece' I'd just heard. "So...she wants to know if Komekko and I are willing to make a trip to the capital to visit her and this priestess, right?"  At her pained nod of agreement, I shrugged.  "I'm way ahead of where I was when she left, I'd say," I answered. "Ready to take on a Demon King is a bit much, but a visit to the capital should be fine without making a fool of myself."

"A visit where you will need to interact with some of the highest ranking people in the kingdom," my tutor reminded me. "And convince them you've been worth the effort so far.”

"Just have them try out the penne carbonara," Komekko suggested cheerfully. "If it’s good enough for a true companion like Hoost, it should be fit for anybody!"

Her 'true companion' routinely hunted and ate what he caught in the woods. Hoost was not what anybody would call picky.  But he did really like carbonara, so I guess from a marketing perspective you could say I was appealing to the widest possible demographic Belzerg had to offer.  

Hopefully the high nobility wasn’t any more refined than a Greater Demon.

"I'm sure that will help," Rain humored the walking black hole, then picked up where she left off. "Your knowledge of most topics is still somewhat superficial.  However, no one should be expecting a freshly arrived foreigner to have more than a passing familiarity of our geography, literature, or trends.  Simply stick to what you know and admit ignorance while seeking your questioner's opinion for what you don't.  Otherwise, your etiquette is passable enough, and speech much improved."

"And I've racked up some more skills and levels in the meantime as well," I added.  Not to mention become disgustingly familiar with the local monsters' anatomy doing it. “I’m up for a day trip.”

“The Crimson Demon Clan stands ever ready to brave any journey!  A mere jaunt by Teleport is nothing in comparison to the perils we must brave henceforth!” Three guesses who gave that answer, and was completely right.  Damnit. 

That settled, we went on with the day as usual after Rain sent our agreement.  

That afternoon found the three of us materializing by the front gate of the grimmest piece of architecture I’d ever laid eyes on.     

Pale gray stone blocks rose from the flagstones of the square to about 10 meters high, topped with kinds of crenelations and machicolations that I wouldn’t have been able to pronounce on my best day a month ago. The heavily braced outer gate stood closed before us, but a smaller sally port set beside it opened to admit us as we approached.  Above us a squad of soldiers tended their, worryingly large, mounted crossbows while another squad on watch gave occasional glances from atop the walls.  One of the formal guards at ground level saluted Rain and bowed us into the portal.

Inside the gatehouse wasn’t quite as dank as I’d been afraid of.  Though lots of stone and the business end of the gate winches gave a chill and a smell of  oil to the air once we passed a second interior door set at right angles to the first down a short hallway.

The same procedure was repeated on the inner side, leaving us in another flag-stoned courtyard and the palace proper ahead of us.

When I first heard about the palace, I’d imagined something from Tokyo Disney.  But this was more like a sprawling, low slung building maybe three or four stories tall.  Big windows, columned entryways, and off white stone made it look more like a big, old-fashioned bank or some other government building than a fantasy castle.

I felt vaguely cheated, but I’d bet this was a lot easier to live in.

A pair of armed retainers met us outside, and with a quick exchange with Rain led us inside.  

The meeting room we eventually arrived at was closed by a pair of paneled doors that opened automatically as we approached, and our escorts peeled off.  Which seemed like a neat trick for a fantasy world until I saw Rain lower her hand from her waist back to her side and realized she’d probably summoned a vacuum to suck them open.  So still a neat trick, because I never felt so much as a wisp on my hair from it.

The room itself was nicely paneled, on the way here I’d gotten an education in degrees of ostentation as we got closer to the actual residence.  Dominating it was a round wood and wrought iron table and chairs set with covered dishes and populated with a quartet of gorgeous blue-eyed blondes. Only one of whom I knew.

This was actually the first time I’d seen Iris in anything but adventuring gear, day clothes, or casual evening wear, so I took a moment to appreciate the effect.  It wasn’t the full state dinner formality I’d heard of, but her staff had put her in an ankle length white and blue dress, frilled at the neck and hem with extra fiddly bits I didn’t know enough about fashion to name.  I did like the effect though, added to the circlet on her curled hair it marked her as Boss Lady in Chief.  She of course sat directly across from the empty chairs for us and began with the introductions.  

Not the fun kind, to Komekko’s disappointment.

On the right side of Iris was the eldest of the group, Duchess Claire of House Sinfonia, with short hair and a dyed strip in her bangs, looking somewhere in her forties.  In contrast to Iris’ more frilly and ornate dress, she wore a crisp white suit and mantle that wouldn’t have been that out of place back home.

On the left, Duchess ‘Please call me Tina’  Lalatina of House Dustiness, was in her early thirties, very tall, and very pregnant.  She wore her hair long and mostly down besides a partial ponytail in the back. She also dressed more similarly to Iris, though with a much more interesting neckline and just as much more room in the waist to accommodate her cargo.

Seated next to her was who I’d thought was ‘Tina’s’ younger sister, down to a similar hairstyle and an almost as tall but much slimmer figure.  In fact, she was her cousin and ward Archpriestess Sylphina and was dressed in Erisite robes to match the part, the last of our party members and the one I’d be sticking closest to given she had all the healing skills.            

Right, time to go to work.  Giving my well-practiced polite smile, I bowed in the approved style.  “Your majesty, ladies, my thanks for your invitation.  I cannot express how it gladdens my heart to share your company today.” 

There, that should do it.  Now to sit down with the smokeshow squad and see what was for…

“Mmmmm.  He’s exactly my favorite kind of man,” Tina eyed me consideringly, stopping me cold. “Be careful with him, Sylphie.  You never know what he might be capable of away from watching eyes.  Where his wanton urges might lead him in the…”

What.

“Lalatina, enough,” Claire groaned softly. “Though I cannot disagree with your assessment, there is a time and place.”  She eyed me much more critically and much less consideringly. “He cleaned up better than expected, I admit.  But a stable with a new coat of paint is still a stable underneath and nothing will change it.”

Hey, standing right here lady.

“Ara ara, I think he just needs a woman’s good influence in his life.  Someone to lead him onto the right path like a good older sister would,” the youngest blonde in the room giggled.  

That…that wasn’t even a word in this language.

I took a quick look at Iris to see what she made of this, to find her leaning back in her chair with her hands interlaced, hiding most of her expression besides a sharp look in her eyes.

Ok, so that’s how it's going to be.  Let your minions nibble on me and see what I do.  Fine, I can dance to that beat.

“My cover may not be the fairest in the land, I confess,” I began, trying to keep to the forms I’d been taught. “However, you shall find the contents of my book are second to none.  My planning, combined with her majesty’s assistance, brought down a General that eluded previous capture for decades before I even properly arrived.  On arriving in this world, I assisted in the destruction and salvage of a golem that stalked the forests of the Crimson Demon Village for time out of mind.”

“By throwing mud in its eye,” Claire noted dryly. “Hardly the work of a hero to be.”

“Blinding an opponent is a time-honored tactic in any land,” I replied sharply. “In addition to gaining the skills and level necessary to succeed and support my task, I began a thorough reconnaissance of the Crimson Demon Village.  Making a point of learning its inhabitants and their habits.”

‘Especially the pretty ones,’ Rain murmured softly, but since the others didn’t seem to hear, I decided to ignore that bit of inconvenient truth.

“Finally, with that information in hand I began experimenting with additions to the local cuisine, knowing that trends involving foodstuffs are both simple to implement and can be disproportionately lucrative applied correctly.”  And thank you to every isekai novel ever for hammering that point home.  Plenty of my compatriots had been brought here for years, that being why they used the metric system, so most of the typical cuisine owed a lot more to east Asia and Japan than you’d guess looking at the people and buildings.

“Your defeat of Seresdina does give you much credit, and I am willing to consider it your defeat despite her majesty’s presence on the field.” Tina began. “Having fought her myself I can testify to the difficulty being…most invigorating,” she gave a little wiggle at that, but quickly suppressed it. “However,” her expression hardened from vaguely amused to deadly earnest, “my original point regarding Sylphina’s safety in your hands remains.  While she is not legally one of my children, I consider her my own all the same.”

That…actually I could totally see her point there.  Sylphina wasn’t anywhere near the stacked marvel of nature her aunt was, she was still a knockout.   Though her comment earlier made me wonder what her route would be getting me into.  Being concerned for her safety, and remaining ‘intact’, made a little sense. 

“Forgive me, I was under the impression that her majesty was in command of our expedition.  Lady Sylphina’s fate is bound up with my own to be certain, though no more than Archwizard Komekko’s might be.”  And I aimed to keep it that way.  Being the idea guy was one thing, having to make the command decisions had nothing going for it but future ulcers in my eyes. “As for any untoward actions on my own account, if all else in my character should fail, I am well aware of the consequences overstepping would bring me.” 

“Indeed, I am.” Iris agreed, and entered the conversation for the first time. “Though I shall certainly be consulting you, as well as the young ladies, for your thoughts and counsel, the final decision belongs to me. As for any indiscretions on anyone’s part,” she trailed off meaningfully. “I shall have them answer to me.”            

That seemed to satisfy everyone, which said a lot about the woman I’d decided to chase that I’d rather not think about now.  

“Now then, I believe that addressed everyone’s concerns?  Then I suggest we finish lunch before it gets cold.  As it happens, today's menu was inspired by my trip to the other world.  I shall be most interested in your opinions.”

Lunch conversation turned out to be a lot less stressful small talk, which I could mostly handle by now even if this was more women than I’d ever eaten with in one sitting, and a way higher average hotness index on top of it. 

We soon finished up and Claire and Iris got back to work, leaving Komekko, Sylphina, and I to wander the capital market for the rest of the afternoon.  

“You’re the native here, milady,” I said to the blonde of the group once we cleared the castle gates and blended into the crowd. “Where do you suggest we go first?”

“I insist we peruse the shop of horrors that purveys my family’s wares exclusively!” Komekko declared. “My father insisted we bring a report on which are selling most vigorously so he can adjust accordingly!”

“Of course we could add that, big sis can always accommodate such a cutie’s needs!” Sylphina agreed brightly, pulling her into a full body hug and  half spin as we followed the crowd. Komekko didn’t quite seem to know how to take that kind of mothering from someone who was maybe her age at best, and while I was as onboard with a cute girl with no personal space as anyone…

Yeah, she was going to take some getting used to.  

Once she was moving under her own power again, Komekko led us to the shop in question.  I might’ve been disappointed by the palace a little, but this was a fantasy magic shop.  In fact, I recognized some of the products on the shelves from the Village, so at least it wasn’t hack work junk.  

Komekko met the owner at the counter right away,  so Sylphina and I browsed a bit and tried to ignore the chuuni speak sales report.  

While I was weighing the need for a nice silver barrier ring, good for one use at saving my skinny butt, versus an eyepatch pierced with a honeycomb of translucent crystals that granted perception bonuses that stack with Farsight, the crimson terror came trotting up folding a list of new orders into her pocket.

“Behold, my family notoriety grows!  Sales have climbed this month, spreading word of our prowess at, oh you found one of our items,” she beamed.  Taking the patch from me, she held it over one eye and blinked through it at us to demonstrate.  “My dad is a career magic toolmaker.  He used to really suck at it though,” she admitted, placing the patch back in my hand. “The tools always worked as promised, but the things they did…” she grimaced and turned away. “The world doesn’t need amulets that paralyze everyone for 100 meters, friend or foe.  Or barriers that keep out attacks from both directions, or…well you get the idea.”

Yeah, I could guess.  She was amazingly good at tracking and processing what we killed for a wizard, she probably had a lot of motivation to learn back then.

Sylphina looked like she was about to move in for another hug, but her target deftly slipped around me to block her off. “It got better, when my sister left they didn’t have as many mouths to feed, and eventually he started turning out tools that people actually wanted.  They’re doing a little better these days, especially after I moved out on my own...”

Half an hour later, I had a sack of self-cleaning toothbrushes, mana powered heated and cooled socks and underwear, and a new eyepatch.  Plus a hat that wasn’t magical at all, but was black and wide brimmed, that Komekko insisted I had to have to ‘match my previous life’s archetype’.  Demon summoning nutjob or not, she was amazingly cute when she put her mind to it.  So, before I quite knew what was happening, I was wearing the edgiest thing I’ve owned since junior high as we walked down the street.  Sylphina had made some purchases of her own, but insisted on carrying them herself.  Given she’d been shopping the same areas I had I could guess what she’d bought, but…no.  Best not to think about it, begone temptation!  There wouldn’t be enough of me left for a Nice Boat.

Komekko was empty handed besides a bag of pretzels she’d bought from a very happy street vendor.  She did condescend to share one with each of us, so yay for team building I guess.

Sylphina was between us and had an arm linked with each of ours as she towed us to our next destination, chattering about something I was having real trouble concentrating on with my arm squashed against her, when Komekko stopped cold and nearly caused us to trip.

“Apologies!  The inscrutable exhortations of my soul must be placated!  Farewell!” she proclaimed, shoving the bag of pretzels into Sylphina’s arms before dashing off down an alley.

“There’s a perfectly good bath house not far from here if she had to go…” the new pretzel bearer muttered, fumbling to shift the load without dropping anything before snapping her jaw shut and glancing my way with a light blush. 

“I’ve heard worse,” I assured her gravely. That didn’t seem to help, she just stayed pink but now turned her nose up and refused to look at me at all.  Whatever, no helping it now.

Taking the pretzels before she did something Komekko would never forgive her for, I started walking again.  “She can catch up with us later.  She knows where we’re going and I doubt there’s anything here that can even make her break a sweat anyway.”

“Ladies don’t sweat,” she chided, stepping quickly to catch up. “Certainly not where we can be seen doing it.”

“My adventures so far beg to differ, milady,” I chuckled. “That said, I doubt that was her problem.”  If I was going to guess she was looking for something, but as long as she didn’t summon some gibbering monstrosity in the middle of downtown it wasn’t my problem.  And if she did it was the Guard’s and Iris’ problem, so really I was off the hook completely here.

Sylphina still didn’t look convinced, so I finally relented. “Look, we’re going to some sort of cake cafe later on right?  You’ve met her, do you really think she’ll miss out on that as long as she’s still breathing?  If she doesn’t show, we can worry then.  Besides, those alleys are a maze, we’ll never find her if we go in after her.”  And I’m way too squishy to go poking around in dark alleys with nothing but a healbot for company.  I planned to stick close to her, but that involved having some firepower out front too.

That seemed to finally convince her, because we made our way to the street theater that was playing in one of the smaller squares.  Of all things, it was a story about a dragon knight who gave up his title and position for love of his princess.  Pursued by her father’s men, they had a torrid romance on the run until they were finally caught.  Tragically, predictably, he was exiled to wander the land forever separated from his love.

Sylphina ate it up like the girls back home with a chick flick.  Me…well magic made for some pretty convincing special effects if you used it right.   And I guess the actress was hot, and…I guess it wasn’t a bad way to spend the rest of an afternoon really.

We didn’t see Komekko though, and it wasn’t so packed that we were hard to find.  Either she got lost, or…well that was a whole different set of problems.  After waiting a bit we went on to the cafe, Sylphina radiating a freezing cold ‘I told you so’ vibe I could practically feel after we left.

A few minutes later, we pushed through the door with me beginning to consider rehearsing an apology to Yunyun if I was wrong after all, and Sylphina several steps along to panic if her muttering was any indication.

“Lo, do mine eyes deceive me!  My companions at last!” our shortest member proclaimed from her table as we walked in.  She’d started early, there the sad remains of a cake in front of her save a lone survivor of a piece.

“Where have you BEEN?!” Sylphina shrieked, the last word, earning us some scornful looks from the patrons.

“Here, of course.  After we parted and I soothed the savage beast sealed within me I determined the play would be half over.  So I moved on to our next destination.  I saved you some cake.”

Breathing in through flared nostrils, Sylphina exhaled slowly. “Dear, please tell us that before you run off.  We spent the last several hours wondering if a detachment of the Guard would find you in pieces after we finally reported you missing!” she managed to keep more or less a normal volume that time but the intensity was still there.

“Surely you jest.  Nothing that lives in this place could possibly contest my dominance,” she replied with heaping scorn.

Frankly, I agreed with her outside two or three very blonde exceptions, but it put a damper on the rest of the trip.

-------------------------

When we got back to the castle the sun was low on the horizon, and I passed the gates to find a messenger waiting for me from the Eldest Blonde.

Duchess Claire Sinfonia’s private rooms probably cost more than my family's apartment rent for approximately our combined lifetimes.  Not tacky, overdone gold leaf and gemstones, that was for New Money I’d learned.  Her tastes in décor ran to hardwood from trees older than some civilizations, stained and polished to a warm glow before being strategically relief carved to bring out the natural patterns in the wood. Stuff that was kept in families almost as old, and basically never went on the market to anyone outside the very tip of the social pyramid.

The lady herself was still dressed in the white suit from earlier today, though she’d removed the mantle and sword belt to hang over her chair back.  On my arrival being announced she set whatever she was working on aside and dismissed the servant with a wave.

“Good evening, Sir Sato.” She gestured at the cut glass decanter on a table standing in the center of several armchairs, containing something a lot more alcoholic than the beer in the Village I’d been sampling. “Help yourself, please.”

Reasoning that she wasn’t likely to poison me right before a meeting with Iris, I did just that.

As I waited for her to cross the room and take her seat, there was a knocking at the door.

Iris’ turn

The sun had faded as I let myself into Claire’s private study, finding Kazuma already there with a pair of whiskey glasses between the two of them.  Without a word, Claire poured out another glass, which Kazuma obligingly used a bit of Freeze on.

“Thank you,” I said, slipping into the open chair between them. “It’s rather late, so I’d like to keep this short for all our sakes.  Claire, I believe you were investigating the material requirements for the railroad plan.”

She nodded, sipping at her drink.  “For the lizards, possibly, they need some meat in their diet so lizards will always be more expensive than even the best horseflesh.  But they breed faster as well, only about a year from fresh egg to maturity."

"Excellent.  See what kind of time scale expanding the ranches and labor would take.”

“For the metal and manufacturing I wish I could bring better news.  The smiths I spoke to agreed that a solid iron rail as you described would weigh between forty and fifty kilos, nearly as much metal as two suits of our standard plate.  Once one imagines how many meters there are between here and the nearest of the march forts…well, it would be cheaper to refit the entire Guard.  Building such a project would bankrupt us long before we suffered the consequences of diverting our entire production of iron to the task.”

I flinched involuntarily at the thought.  I’d had no idea there was that much metal involved and I really should have realized it.

There was a dejected silence as we digested the bad news, before Kazuma spoke up.

“How big are your army’s wagons?  About the size of what I saw the merchants using in the Crimson Demon Village?”

“Many of those merchants use surplus army wagons taken out of service, so yes, most likely,” Claire agreed. “Why do you ask?”

“Because…” he began, staring out the window as he absently re-cooled his drink. “The trains back home were massive.  I’m talking about thousands of tons.  The rails had to be steel, not iron, to take the weight for years and years.  But those wagons are what?  Ten tons each?”  

“Loaded weight, yes.  Empty is half that,” I mused.  “Wood bridges or corduroy roads support them perfectly well all the time on campaign.”

“You’d want some metal, the rails could split if you put the weight on them directly,” he reminded me.

“But just a metal cap would be fine for that, less than a tenth as much!  And any smithy or carpentry shop in the kingdom can make the parts!”  I smiled back at him and enjoyed the bit of pink I got in reply. “I’m glad we discussed this, I hate to think we might have wasted time before finding the answer.”

He gave me a conflicted look. “Ir…Your majesty,” he amended before Claire could snap. “I believed our plan was to bring down the Demon King’s barriers by attacking his Generals.”    

“And we will, they’ll be expecting us to do just that after all.  It’s the logical, and really only option.”  I grinned at him, and added “Until now.  There are other ways into his lair than kicking in the front door, we’ve just never been able to take advantage of them because they’re too hard to bring supplies through.”

He started nodding along as I spoke. “Bring the supplies by rail, which is a lot faster and more efficient, and you can pick somewhere without a giant magic fortress blocking the way.  But then why bother….” He halted, and began to smile.  “Because the longer we show them exactly what they expect to see, ‘bring in a Hero, attack the Generals, lead an assault’, the less likely they are to notice our real plan.  I like it.”  

“Exactly. They are unlikely to be able to cover their entire frontier with proper fortifications soon enough to matter, but I see no reason at all to give them an instant more warning than I must.”

I’d noticed Claire looking sicker and sicker as our conversation went on, so I turned to her.  “Do relax, I intend to have some smaller scale testing done before we commit everything.  The larger mines and river ports would surely benefit from being able to move freight more efficiently, so it won’t even truly be a loss.”

“That…of course, your majesty,” she agreed faintly.  “That is one of my concerns.  That said, I would much like to have a further discussion with Sir Sato on any further specifics he might be able to share.”

Kazuma’s turn

Iris agreed readily, and wished us good night.

As the door closed behind her, Claire’s expression tightened, signaling a conversation that I was probably going to want more booze for.

“I believe it’s time we had a frank talk.”  

Author’s note:

Sylphina appears in Volume 12 of the novels but she’s basically a blank slate.  I took that as an invitation to see what a nice little girl raised by wolves Darkness might be like. 

Chapter Text

Kazuma’s turn

According to Rain’s tutoring, about half of noble conversation etiquette could be summed up as ‘never let them see you sweat’ and the other as ‘fake it until you make it’.  

Easier said than done, the middle aged blonde I was now alone with had a stare that could pierce reactor shielding.

Given this world, maybe even literally.  

“I…I’d be honored to discuss any of your concerns, milady?” A questioning tone leaked into my supposedly confident reply.  

“I’m sure.  To wit, your present entanglement with her majesty concerns me.  Deeply, concerns me.  As you have likely surmised, she has a streak of impulsiveness matched only by her tremendous talent.  Yet she remains unmarried or even betrothed.”

It took me a moment to decode that, but the result had me blurt out in pure shock.

“Wait.  Are you actually suggesting your queen is keeping  me around because she wants to get laid?” 

And that was a mistake.  The next thing I knew there were bits of glass shrapnel on the table from where Claire had crushed her whiskey tumbler, and a very pointy rapier was tickling my nose.

Oh.  Right.  The last of Rain’s rules of etiquette.  Never, not ever, say the ‘quiet parts’ out loud.

“You will keep a civil tongue in your head, or cease to possess either one,” the duchess answered after a frozen moment, low and dangerous. “And no.  I would never suggest such base reasoning for her actions.   I speak now from experience.  You in turn shall listen in silence.” She commanded, lowering her weapon to the table with a clunk.

“When her majesty was still but a girl of twelve, we decided to find her a body double to avoid the fate of her middle brother.  We settled on the daughter of one of our knights, who was nearly the same age and shared enough of her form and features to pass as her princess with minimal effort.   The girl, Rizlet, was as nervous and out of her depth as one might expect a girl in her position to be, but her majesty was overjoyed to spend time with a girl her own age.”

Claire retrieved another tumbler during her explanation and filled it, sweeping the glass off the table with a casual flick before fortifying herself with another drink.

“I confess this swayed me more than it ought.  Her majesty has endured a more solitary and duty bound girlhood than a child perhaps should.  Watching over the two of them acting as girls just entering womanhood was a joy to all of her retainers in spite of the reason for Rizlet’s presence.  Soon enough, the double became quite capable of performing her role.  

And there our troubles began.”

“Her majesty is quite insatiably curious, and the chance to learn more of the world outside the palace was irresistible to her.  Unknown to us, not only had Rizlet been putting her all into learning how to mimic her majesty, the princess had been putting just as much effort into mimicking her double in return.”  She paused, noting my look of dawning comprehension. “I see you are no fool in spite of appearances, so I shall abridge.  It is precisely as you suspect.  We became wholly unable to distinguish between them and know who we were guarding.  During at least one state dinner with Yurgenschmidt, that I am aware of, I am certain the two exchanged places with me none the wiser until it was nearly completed.  Leaving me to realize I had been unknowingly guarding a decoy all evening with no idea my princess was out having meat pies in the city square. ”

Something in her expression told me if my lips so much as twitched she’d finish the job with that rapier.   So with heroic, if I do say so myself, restraint I managed to nod gravely instead of burst into laughter.  

“Fortunately for us, not long afterward Rizlet’s bloom came upon her sooner and more aggressively than her majesty’s, and the deception became impossible to maintain.  With that excuse, we were able to separate the pair of miscreants and discard continuing the idea with another as… most unwise.  But now, a decade later, I see her once again drawing closer to someone who can satisfy her curiosity.  Not just for the paltry enticements of the lower quarters, but with an entire world alien to our own.  Who may well also have the ability to influence her in directions that might prove detrimental to her.  Her association with the Crimsons aside, her majesty has since that time proven able to maintain relationships beneficial to her and her House,” she allowed.  Placing her drink on the table next to her sword, she regarded me.  Not quite down her nose, but more like a gardener deciding which branch to cut on her prize shrub sculpture.

“Even so, I wonder.”

I considered that, along with my total lack of surprise that Iris had been a complete gremlin as a teenager.  And something else that had occurred to me during that story that the good duchess might not have ever consciously realized.  Iris was definitely motivated by getting one over on the dumb grown ups.  But I’d also bet good money she was disgusted they’d order a random girl to die in her place like a goat staked out as wolf bait.  But if Elder Blonde didn’t realize that by now, it wasn’t my problem.

My concern was walking out of here un-disappeared and fully intact.  

“My lady, if I may beg a…”  I stopped, and shook my head.  “Forget it.  We both know I’m no noble no matter the costume I’m wearing, and if there was ever a time for plain speaking this is it.”

She inclined her head in agreement with both those statements.

“Thanks.  As I see things, we have a common goal.  Two of them, really.  First, win the war.  I think Iris’ plan can do it, and I think you agree.  I’m willing to do my part to make it happen, even if it means playing tag with monsters on a decoy mission.  Second, I want to keep Iris alive, unlike the rest of her family from what I hear.”

Claire’s fist tightened dangerously on the table at that, but she did concede with a growl.  “Her majesty to you, Sato.  Though that is so.  Besides her nephew, who is still but a boy.”

“Then I don’t see a problem.  You may not like me.  If I’m honest the feeling has been mutual so far.  But we’re on the same team and want the same things.  Heaven knows alliances have been built on worse.”

She shook her head minutely, and my heart sank.  

“No.  Each winter weighs heavier on me than the last, but I remain far from senile yet.  You misunderstand me, or avoid my question.  Neither endears you to me, boy,” she snapped. “I shall speak plainly as well.  Her majesty remains unwed and is past the usual age of marriage, through no fault of her own.   Should the Demon King fall, whomever does the deed shall marry her.”

“I thought they were only offered the chance?” I asked hesitantly.

“They are, and woe betide any fool enough to refuse.  The honor is generally given to the most valiant and powerful among us, though those of wit and cunning have sometimes received the opportunity and the House of Belzerg has been the better for it,” she admitted. “What has never happened, and shall not on my watch, is someone receiving that boon by connivance and trickery!”

“Funny, she said the same thing.”

Claire started, clearly not expecting that answer.

“Her majesty discussed that with you.  Already?”  

“Not so much discussed, as mentioned the possibility,” I admitted.  “But yes, she was very clear it was an honor you earned.  Not something that got handed out for participation, you could say.”

Duchess Helicopter Mom frowned in thought, but recovered.  “I see.  Then that concludes our business for the moment.”  With that, she recapped the decanter on the table and nodded at the door.  “Do see yourself out, Sato.  I expect you to have a busy day ahead of you.”

Not needing a further excuse to get away from a very dangerous woman, I took her up on that, even remembering to add a proper bow on the way out.

“Sato,” she called from her chair as I opened the door.  I turned back, and she locked eyes with me with a frigid glare.  “Do not disappoint me in this.”

She didn’t bother with an ‘or else’.  I  gave my best smile, and closed the door behind me.  

The long stretch of hallway to my room gave me plenty of time to start working up to a boil now that the pressure was off.  She thought I was prime cut NEET, no fillers added?

Fine.  Petty revenge is as good a reason as any to get motivated, I think.

Iris’ turn

When I woke up the next morning, I learned Komekko was in prison.

Reigning monarchs do not go post bail for their party members.  We have people for that.  It does however tend to put a damper on our mornings, and provoke questions from our prime ministers we have trouble answering.

So that afternoon when I confronted the arch wizard freshly remanded into my custody, and tried to ignore how grateful the staff seemed to be rid of her, I was in no mood for games.

“You have one minute to explain to me why you thought it wise to have your ‘friends’ spend the night flying a search pattern over my capital.”  

The little arch wizard puffed herself up for what was sure to be a work of art in the realm of impromptu theater, but I was having none of it.

“Fifty, forty nine, forty eight…”

“I felt something strange when I was out with Kazuma and Sylphina.  Once I got away from them, I was able to focus on it more, but not enough.  So I called in some favors, and had it narrowed down. It wasn’t all night, just a couple hours!” She pouted. “But by the time we were done, the Watch had narrowed me down too, and wouldn’t listen when I told them it was important and not to disturb my spell circles!  They’re lucky I was able to turn everything off before they dragged me away!”

I stopped mentally counting. “And what did you find?”

“I’m not sure, yet.  But I don’t think you want it in your city.”

After that revelation, things moved a lot more quickly.  After sending word to Kazuma and Sylphina to meet us, I hastily changed and set out with Komekko in tow.

Komekko’s ‘informants’ had narrowed our search to a block near the east wall, in an older neighborhood that had seen better days.

The streets were cobblestones, not bare dirt, and all the city sewers had long ago been moved underground on the advice of past Otherworlders, so it wasn’t as bad a place as it might have been.  But real estate inside the city walls was always expensive, and anyone living here was likely to be pushed out to one of the villages outside the gates before long once it got high enough.  

For now, it was the kind of place you lived when you didn’t want a lot of questions asked about you.  

“Here, they haven’t moved,” Komekko nodded minutely to a tenement around the corner from us much like the rest. “Third floor,” she decided after stepping off several paces and doing a bit of triangulation.

“You heard the lady, cordon it off.  Anyone who runs is probably guilty of something,”  the dwarven watch sergeant we’d picked up on the way informed his troopers.  Schlock, that was his name.  At least I assumed he was dwarven.  Short or not, he was nearly as broad as he was tall, and not from honeycakes.

“Carefully, gentlemen.  Probably is not the same thing as definitely,” I reminded them absently.  “Mind the breakage.”

No sooner had I said that than a whistle blast from the squad on the street behind the building sounded, followed by shouting.  

Perfect, just perfect.  Half the party is still missing and anything that could set Komekko off is going to go through those poor troopers on crowd control like tenpins.  

“Follow me!”  I cried, and took off at a sprint already dreading what I’d find.

———————————-

“UNHAND ME, CRETINS!  FOOLS!  KNOW YOU NOT WHOM YOU PAW AT?!”

This?  This had not been what I expected to find.  

The guards had the fugitive well in hand, pinned face to the wall and cuffs going on as I arrived.  

“You can be the queen’s favorite aunt for all I care!  Pipe down and quit trying to bite me or you’ll be losing those teeth!”  

“My aunt would only bite if  asked to,” I muttered to myself.  Louder, I interjected “Well done, men.  Who is…she?”  I noticed now that I got a closer look.  Short, Komekko’s height, and just as slender.   Amazing voice for such a small package, though somehow familiar.

“YOU MEDDLE WITH FORCES BEYOND YOUR KEN!  RELEASE ME FROM MY BONDS LEST THE DOOM PURSUING ME ANNIHILATE YOU ALL!“

“I was about to put in a gag, with your permission, Majesty?” One of the watchmen asked with a wince.

“No, not yet.”  I stepped around so she could see me, and stopped cold.  

The eyes were wrong.  

Gold, and slightly reflective, reminding me of a cat’s.  The ears poking out of the coal black hair added to the effect.  Beastkin were hardly unknown though, especially here in the capital where seemingly every kind of thinking being was represented.  

It was that even in the shadows of the alleyway, they were glowing more than the late afternoon light could account for.  It reminded me of the first time I’d met a Crimson Demon, how the faintly eldritch light their eyes radiated even at rest unsettles you at a gut deep level until you’re accustomed.

“What is your name?”  I asked cautiously.  “And from where do you hail?”

She didn’t answer, just glared back with all the defiance a cornered girl can muster.  So I played a hunch.

“Behold, it is I, Iris of House Belzerg.  Queen of this land, and she who will rid the land of the demons,”  I continued softly, still locking eyes with her.

For a second I thought I’d missed.  Then, the girl’s eyes closed, and a moment later a sniff and hiccup escaped her.

“W-well met.  I-it,” she stammered around another sob. “I-it is I…M-megumin.  Great-test  genius o-of the…” 

“Greatest Genius of the Crimson Demon Clan.  Mistress of Explosion Magic.”  A voice behind us interrupted.

While we’d been questioning the prisoner, Komekko had apparently caught up.  She strode forward to stand beside me, and the newly named Megumin went pale as a shade.

“Daughter of Hyoizaburoo and Yuiyui, eldest sister of Komekko ,”  she continued harshly, unhooking one of her hair star ornaments.  Inside the backing was a glass ampule, containing several strands of dark brown hair.  Without bothering with the scored portion around the neck, she cracked it in her fist and let the blood mix with the hairs.  

“Seek blood for blood, souls for souls, flesh for flesh.  Origin!”  She intoned, then reached out and dabbed the mixture onto the prisoner’s forehead.  Her eyes flashed red in response, before settling back to the former gold.

Komekko dropped the broken glass and hairs onto the alley’s cobblestones with a flick of her injured hand.  “My sister gave me that amulet before she left on her journey.  Twelve years ago,” she explained with quivering intensity. “We thought her lost.  I suppose she was .”  She turned to me sharply. “Take her away…Please.  Your majesty.”

I signed at the guards, who did just that to their limp cargo.  

Reuniting two Crimson Demons causes the family reunion from hell.  

How appropriate.

————————————-

Reigning queens do not interrogate their own prisoners.  We have people for that.

We do, however, stay apprised of interrogations that are of interest to us or our companions.

Luckily, holding Megumin to do so was no problem.  Belzerg is in no way a constitutional monarchy as I’d heard them explained.   But the crown does have certain customary restrictions on its power that a wise queen does not trespass frivolously.  Arbitrary arrest being one of them.

Transforming yourself into some sort of cat-girl hybrid that deeply unsettled both wizards that examined her is not strictly illegal under the kingdom’s law.  Assaulting a peace officer in the course of his duties is.

Given the circumstances, I sent Komekko to deliver a priority summons to Chief Yunyun about her prodigal clanswoman. 

Other than that, there was little to do but wait, and tackle the routine tasks of governance that continued regardless of anyone’s personal crises.  Claire and I finalized the budget for the cavalry we’d discussed earlier, while Kazuma and Sylphina elected to remain with Komekko.  One hoped in Kazuma’s case to assist his party mate in a difficult time, and not for the chance to see his first catgirl.

That evening, we reconvened over the freshly delivered transcript. 

“When Yunyun and I separated, I was sure I would find a party in Axel and I could practice my glorious explosions, aweing everyone who witnessed them!  After the next two parties turned me down without even a trial period, I knew my reputation was preceding me.  Facing imminent starvation, I went looking for other work to fill my belly until the right party appreciated my talents.

I worked for several of the shops and stalls in Axel, though never for very long.  Finally, I found a magic item store that needed someone to watch the counter while the owner was out adventuring for ingredients, and was happy to have another arch wizard for the job.  That was when I got my first clue in my quest.

The owner knew the wizard that taught me Explosion magic!  I knew it must have been fate!  All my life since the first day I’d witnessed its power, I wanted to meet her, and challenge her for the title of Mistress of Explosions.  Now I was sure that my setbacks and failures up to this point had only been to position me for this moment!  

After confirming her next likely stop would be Arcanretia, I set out immediately on the next carriage.  I had been to the city before, and knew someone there who I could ask for help if I really needed it.  And if I hadn’t been able to cast Explosion in some time, I was certain the words of the chant I’d engraved on my soul would come to me as swiftly as I needed them to when facing my master at last!

Once I arrived, I found her at one of the hot springs in town and presented myself and my challenge.  She claimed to have no memory of me, but I knew that could only be a cover, for who could forget such a momentous event?  She even pretended to be more interested in hearing about Chomusuke, my familiar, than in my challenge!

At last, I convinced her to agree.  I met her in the mountains above Arcanretia near the source of the springs, where we could do no harm with our duel.  

On the way there…I saw the source of the springs.  Even without a mage’s sight and knowledge, I knew it had been made a foul thing.  A cursed thing.  But when I saw her, my master showed no surprise at all.  She knew.  It was what she had come here for.

The last thing I remember is a man saying ‘I told you, no witnesses.’”

“I..I don’t remember much else for a while.  I had left Chomusuke in my room at the inn.  I think she was napping on the window ledge when it all started to go wrong.  People screaming, sick, hurt.  Dying.  The wilderness outside town going quiet as the birds died, and the bugs too.  I hear the plants are still not safe, in some places.  I’ve never been back to know.

I always knew that Chomusuke wasn’t, isn’t, an ordinary cat.  She appeared after a fragment of a seal was broken back in the village one day, and my sis…Komekko brought her back.  Maybe by saving me she was paying me back for giving her food and a home even when I often had neither.

When I did come back to myself, I was a passenger in Chomusuke’s mind.  Nothing was safe to eat for kilometers in any direction, I knew.  She listened to me, and we walked on, hungry or not.  Some time later we were able to ride on a carriage I pointed out that looked like traders bypassing Arcanretia.     

Axel was gone by then, and my old job with it even if I could have still done it with paws.

So when the wagon stopped off in the capital it seemed like as good a place as any to start over.  It took me two more years to get where I am now.  I never realized how good it felt to be able to talk again until I couldn’t.  

So I started taking jobs, like I had in Axel.  Waitressing, salesgirl.  I ran my own taco cart for a while.  My magic was tied up keeping me mostly human for a long time, but I’ve gotten better at it over the years and it's barely a thought now.  Chomusuke doesn’t seem to mind, she’s pretty catlike in a lot of ways.  As long as we’re well fed, kill the odd monster, and take plenty of naps, she’s happy to let me run things.  I could say I fulfilled my old boast of being a reincarnated goddess of destruction, with a little help.

It’s my one achievement.  

The transcript ended there, with a terse note that the subject had an extended emotional episode after that point.

“How did her parents take the news?” I asked Yunyun.

She rolled her eyes.  “They’re torn between being furious at her vanishing for so long, and pride that their daughter gave herself the most tragically interesting backstory of our generation.”   ‘Crimson demons!’ She muttered like a curse, making it obvious where she sat on the scale.

Komekko I didn’t bother asking, she was clearly still seething from beside her.  “She could have come home anytime.  Any. Time.  For years!  We were poor, not starving by then!  I’d have caught her crayfish myself if she refused to get wet!”

Yunyun put an arm around the younger clanswoman, shaking her head. “Megumin was, is, too proud for such things.  Letting herself be a burden to you all?  She’d have sooner jumped off a church steeple than let herself come to that.”

“But…not even a note?  Something?” Komekko persisted.

“I get it, sort of.”  Kazuma added contemplatively.  “Being this amazing talent, your family and everyone you know expects great things from you?  And then totally failing to live up to any of it?  Even if nobody hates you for letting them down, you can’t help but hate yourself.  Try to get away from those feelings any way you could.”

He noticed the stares after a moment.  “Not me!  I was never a genius!  Or failed any crazy expectations I never asked for.  I was just a kid a little smarter than average.  I’m just saying I can imagine from what I’ve heard,” he finished, avoiding everyone’s eyes.

“In any case, that subject is between her and her friends and family,” I spoke into the awkward silence.  “My concern is we’ve had a…partial dark goddess residing in my capital for the last several years no with no one the wiser.  This disturbs me.  This disturbs me greatly.”

“It does at least explain why General Wolbach has been noticeably less active of late,”  Claire mused.  “Even the siege of Dunkelfelger fortress two years ago wasn’t pressed as hard as it might have been.  I suppose we owe our guest thanks for that much if she’s responsible for it.”

“The obvious answer is to send her back to the Village, even if it's evidently the last place she’d want to go,” Rain suggested.  “It’s not as though the clan lacks experience in containing similar threats.”

“And re-containing them,” Claire muttered, to both of the clanswomens’ embarrassment.  “No, my concern is this.  This whole affair has been anything but discreet.  I cast no blame for that, given what we feared speed and force took precedence over finesse.  However, we must assume that the enemy will soon be aware we have Megumin in custody, and General Wolbach of all people will realize what that must mean.”

“So you’re planning to use her as bait?” Komekko asked sharply.

“Not at all.  She is still an Explosion mage, yes?  I am planning to use her as the hook .”

Chapter Text

Kazuma’s turn

The problem with being a badass warrior and a queen is that sometimes you need to be in two places at once.

The celebration of the Founding King Balthasar’s coronation was coming up soon, and anyone who was anyone in the nobility or general upper crust had to be there.  Keeping Iris on standby near our new defectively divine guest was politically as much a non-starter as the prime minister back home ordering everyone to work over Golden Week.

In the meantime, an extra company of the city garrison was being deployed as security at the Parade Grounds where they’d be celebrating and all three companies of the royal guard were on standby split between there and the palace.  Whether Wolbach would take those odds before tangling with Iris, who could say? 

Until the dust settled from all that, Megumin was in a separate building from the palace proper but built as long term quarters for visiting foreign delegations.  Eventually we were going to have to move her outside the capital, either to a garrison town or even the Village, but for now it was the best we could do.   At least the suites were swanky, plus easy to secure and discreet.

Claire had also decided, and I for once totally agreed, that introducing the three of us to the assembled movers and shakers just yet wasn’t a good idea.  So Sylphina, Komekko, and I were playing wizard chess and basically killing time in turns while ‘guarding’ Megumin for the day.  Who seemed to be napping for now, but the way her ears followed Komekko every time she shifted or traded spots with one of us made me suspicious.

That calm lasted until the first bells rang out to the east of us.

“Fire?” Sylphina wondered.  Komekko and I shared a look and shrugged.  She was the native, or might as well be.  

“The mage corps is going to be busy if so,” Megumin agreed, now deigning to be awake.

Komekko ignored her and went back to her book, Chronicles of the Crimson Crusader.  One of Arue’s products, and pretty much what you’d get if Batman was a Gothic romance.  Not my thing, but she knew how to keep you turning pages.  She’d have been a killer soap opera writer back home.

Sylphinia and I went back to our game, which I was winning because I’m awesome and not because she kept deliberately missing moves like she was playing with an eight year old.  She only did that in her first game with Komekko, after I started suggesting penalties for losing too many times she started playing like she meant it.

It's no substitute for a console, but playing with real people was a lot more fun than I expected.  We’d never really done ‘family night’ back home, and the few meatspace friends I had before dropping out I met at the arcade or somewhere, not really at home.  But this was kind of similar.  

Komekko scared me a little too much to see her as a woman, and Sylphina was determined to treat me like a little brother.  So it really was like I was meeting up with the guys for a chill game night instead of the awkward singles mixer I’d been terrified of.

“My Arch Priestess casts Purification!  Your foul Lich Queen is no more!” Sylphina crowed, knocking my piece off the board with a flourish.  Stupid tall women, her arms were long enough to reach all the way across the dining table to my pieces on the back row. 

“Ah, but there you’ve erred!  For You See, my Lich sacrificed herself nobly for the cause of liberating all from the tyranny of living!  Her Death Curse takes…”

“Clerics are immune to status effects from that!” our own cleric protested, but I overrode her.

“...my hobgoblin.”

“And kills it?” she asked, frowning in total confusion.  “Sweetie, are you sure?”

“And upon the roll of this dice, activates its Stone Skin ability at point of death…”

“You haven’t rolled yet, and that is NOT how a Death Curse gets used!” she protested vehemently, now seeing what I was planning. 

“Rules don't say I can’t, read ‘em and weep.  As I was saying, upon this roll, I get Stone Skin for this turn on …”  

The dice rattled across the table, and to this day I’m certain it would’ve given me the natural 20 I needed to activate that ability and break her line of pikemen, letting my Dullahan into her back rank.

The building shuddered, like someone had bounced us on a trampoline, rattling everything in the room and knocking over the bottle of wine on the side table with a crash.

Startled cries filled the air,  and I wasn’t the only one.  Megumin had hidden under the bed with amazing reflexes, while Sylphina had dragged me under the table almost as quickly.  

Komekko, meanwhile, marked her place and dropped the book to the carpet beside the chair she’d annexed to the Crimson Demons.  Her words.

“That just hit the guardhouse at the front gate,” she muttered, her gaze turning inward as she took over the view of one of her minions outside the palace.  I hadn’t asked what, reasoning what I didn’t know I couldn’t get burned at the stake for.  “And it's… that we need to deal with!” she said louder.  Springing from her chair, she grabbed her cloak and strode for the door.  

“Wait, what is it?” I asked, clambering out both from under the table and Sylphina’s attempts to make sure I wasn’t bruised.

“A slime,” she said simply, a grim set to her jaw at total odds to her usual antics.

“Oh no,” Sylphina breathed, and they both reflexively turned to look at Megumin.  

“What, like a herd of them?”  I protested.  “So we get our rain boots and go do some stomping or what?”

“Bite your tongue, one of them is bad enough!”  Sylphina snapped.  “Didn’t you listen to a thing Lady Rain said?!  Slimes are practically unkillable, and eat anything  smaller than them.  Which is almost everything!”  

“And if that’s General Hans out there, just touching  a few drops of him will poison you.”  Komekko agreed, eying her sister and I coldly.  “You know her majesty’s orders, get her out of the way and don’t let her be taken,” she said to me after a second.  “We’ll see what we can do out front.  I’ll be sending distress flares as well, but with all the fireworks Eris only knows if they’ll get seen in time.”  

With that, they both bolted out the door. 

Wolbach’s turn

The best way to deal with an ambush is often to trigger it on your terms.

The little nut job from the Crimson Cockroach Clan lived up to her namesake, Hans apparently failed to kill her after all.  I was surprised it took her this long to turn up, usually they couldn’t resist returning at a dramatic moment any more than a drunkard could free beer.

I was outside the palace walls, and my handful of lieutenants had dispersed to their positions.  Only twenty, but good men and demons.  They should be enough, between the challenges and countersigns we possessed for some of the garrison companies to keep them in barracks until it was too late, and some strategically placed arson and sabotage to occupy the others.

Months, years in a few cases, of steady work getting people in the right places, or replacing those that got caught.  All the intelligence we would have been able to gather from those moles.  All sure to be gone in the purge that would follow tonight whether we won or lost.

All for this.  One chance to reunite with my other half and be complete for the first time in decades.  To be the Goddess of Sloth and Violence once more, not just Laziness and Short Tempers, as my partner for tonight too often joked.  

To be me.

And if I or the gelatinous battering ram at the gates sent some of that trickster goddess’ worshippers to her sooner than they intended to go, so be it.

The alarm bell inside began to toll, and I slipped out of the alley.  Time to go to work.

I was neither stealthy nor subtle as I crossed the cleared area outside the walls.  I needed to be inside before the palace barrier, and its attendant teleport area denial spell, went up and they wouldn’t hesitate once Hans started his attack.

The Royal Guard itself was the biggest hurdle, but split between the Parade Ground and the palace they’d be as weakened as they ever got.  One company spread out on wall patrols and holding the gatehouses, the other in reserve inside.  The reserves and gate guards would be Hans’ problem, but I had to assume a squad or two would be in easy reach of me.

One sharp eyed guard spotted me before I’d taken more than a few steps.  A Lightning spell lanced out at me as I pushed myself along with a haste blessing, but it went wide with a twitch of my footing as I bounded closer.  More joined it, along with an area effect fireball that must have been cast by one of the more senior wizards.  Bad luck to find one on this section of wall.

But not bad enough, I could see them perfectly well in the dark.   My other half only got most of the catlike traits, and I replied in kind with a Cursed Lightning, and another, and a third that shattered a four meter section of crenellations alongside its defenders.  A few more spells rained down in reply, along with a handful of arrows, but I outsped most of it and reached the foot of the wall with my cloak tattered and more mana spent on wrecking that bit of wall and keeping my resistances active than was probably healthy this early on.

No matter, from here on only a few could attack me, and none on the section of wall I’d attacked directly above me, the murder holes that let the defenders shoot down at the wall’s foot safely gone with the rest of the masonry.  Now it was my turn to shoot a magic volley at anyone who poked their heads out.  

Speed, always speed.  The barrier would be going up any second.  Climbing was out, even a goddess’ physical stats wouldn’t let me scale 10 meters of wall in time.  Jumping it in a single bound was out of the question even for Belzergs, but the Dragonslayer got her fame and pre-coronation fortune for good reason.

Dragon hide is amazingly rare, expensive…and versatile.  A set of gloves or boots in it makes the best protective gear you can buy short of adamantoise, but it has another useful property.  The long coat of it I wore cost more than most adventurers would make in their lives, but right now it was worth every diablo as I channeled magic into it.

In response, gravity became a suggestion.

A hop, skip, and jump up the wall, and past the bewildered swordsman that never had a chance to recover from his shock, and I was over the top and kicking off the inside surface as the palace barrier snapped and fizzled into being behind me.  

Hitting the flagstones with a roll, I came up with a Cursed Lightning primed in my hands and unleashed it on the backs of the defenders as they frantically dove for the catwalk inside their defenses.

That errand taken care of, I set out for the ambassadorial annex, confident nothing my enemies had left would slow me down.

Kazuma’s turn

Megumin was part way out from under the bed when she heard the news about our attacker at the gate, and there she stayed after the other girls bolted out to help the defense. 

“Don’t let her be taken, huh?” I muttered.  I didn’t want to think about how that could be interpreted.

“Come on, this is the first place anyone will look,” I told Megumin, wrestling a pair of manatite crystals from my belt pouch.  She looked up, face drawn and pale, but finished crawling out and stood as I finished thinking.

“Given my way I’d give this place more traps and decoys than a Tomb Raider level and let the bitch try her luck,” I growled as we stepped into the hallway. “But we don’t have that kind of time and nobody would let me borrow a few hallways to practice on ahead of time.”

“I heard the maids begged the majordomo to refuse that,” Megumin muttered back. “Something about ‘trap dungeons’ and ‘marriage prospects’.”

“They knew what they were signing up for when they went to work at Noble Central,” I replied, just the tiniest bit of embarrassment coloring my face.  Really, most of those ideas I’d put in just to see what they’d let one of Iris’ companions get away with.  Turns out, not much.

“Anyway!  Instead, I’ll have to do this,” I said quickly, making a show of checking each way down the hall.  I held up one of the manatite pieces, the other I kept in hand.  “How much of this would you say you radiate if someone scanned for magic?” I asked.  

“What?  I…I don’t know, maybe a third if I’m not doing anything.  Why do…”  

I dropped that piece on the floor and smashed it under my bootheel.  Megumin squawked in outrage, but I ignored her and tossed a piece about the right size into the room behind us before sweeping up the rest.  The first one I pulled on, and chanted “Create Water!  Wind Breath!  Freeze!” a few seconds apart.

The humidity spiked, and then the temperature plummeted below the dewpoint, causing a thick fog to form and start rolling down the corridor and into her suite.  The broken manatite should leak enough mana to keep it going long enough to matter.

“Do…Do you have ANY idea what t-that cost…” Megumin said weakly.

“Ok, that’s one,” I overrode her, dropping the spent manatite in my other pocket, and leading us on. “Besides, how much is your life worth?”

She didn’t have an answer for that, but it turned out it was quite a bit.

I repeated the process twice more on that floor, and several more times over the next floor up in the servant’s quarters when I heard the snap and crash of a Cursed Lightning spell below us in the main suite.  I thought I heard a scream of frustration as well, but that might’ve been my imagination.

Still, I only had one more piece of manatite left plus a few shards too small for much.  Not enough for another decoy, and besides, one suddenly appearing would be a dead giveaway.  

Six remaining decoys, plus us.  

Belzerg being the place it is, ‘all the kingdom’s movers and shakers’ overlaps pretty closely with ‘all the kingdom’s warrior elite’.  Outside help or not, she didn’t have all day to look for us.

Time to roll the dice.

Wolbach’s turn

I vented my full fury at the second piece of manatite under the bed of the attendant’s room next to the main suite, and realized I was going to need a new plan. Smash and grab had been the name of the game on this trip, and I’d done too much of one and not enough of the other.

Unless whatever bastard set these up was a complete idiot, there would be  traps on at least some of them.   I wasn’t about to keep approaching them to find out what, and the danger of frying Megumin by accident attacking indiscriminately was just too high.

I’d sooner be damned to Vanir’s personal Pit than share my head with that little megalomaniac for the rest of my days because I couldn’t undo whatever sorcery she’d twisted my other half with.

Plus, confusion could only reign for so long, and the Dragonslayer was nothing if not decisive.  Unless I wanted to fence with her once she returned, it was time for the bigger hammer option.  It smacked of Seresdina’s methods, but I wasn’t in a position to be picky.  

Hopping out the nearest window and giving a healthy wind gust to slow my fall, I strode to the nearest large open space to clear my sight lines, then primed an Explosion spell and held it aloft in one hand.  In the other I raised a voice amplifier, the trickle of mana it needed about all I could spare with my magic tied up.

“HEAR ME!  I  am General Wolbach in the service of His Majesty the King of All Demons!  I demand  the one known as Megumin be brought before me!  You have a ONE HUNDRED count to comply!  Should you fail me in this, I shall level the palace with Explosion and depart!  

Choose wisely.” 

Megumin’s turn

“Is she serious?” Kazuma asked me, like I wasn’t a has-been arch wizard.

“I..I don’t know!  I haven't cast Explosion in years!  Why are you asking…” 

“Because I don’t have time for this!  Not for your issues, or about how much you’ve pissed off your sister, or even the random flunkies about to get murdered alongside us.  What I DO care about is surviving the next minute!  Now are you a Mistress of Explosion Magic, or do I go find one of those flunkies who’ve never cast it in their LIVES and ask them?!” 

I wanted to punch him so much I could taste it for saying that, he had a punchable face and no judge would ever say differently.  “You’re an asshole, you know that?” I hissed.

“Never pretended differently.  Clock’s ticking,” he snapped back as the count reached eighty.

I glared up at him.  He was still a jackass, but he wasn’t wrong.  I shook my head sharply.  “Shut up and let me think.”

He swallowed a retort that was probably something about being quick about it, but thankfully he did shut up. 

I haven’t been a practicing wizard since I was sixteen.  Eight years ago now, a third of my life.  Long enough for my baby sister to become a woman, and my parents to seemingly learn how to run a business without starving.  Even long enough to go from a king, to another king, to a queen.  

But not long enough to forget Explosion.

I hadn’t, couldn’t, cast it.  I knew that as soon as I came back inside Chomusuke.  The first thing Wolbach would look for besides any weird looking black cats was probably an unknown source of Explosions reshaping the landscape even if I could.  But I’d dreamed about it.  Repeated the chant to myself at work once in a while.  Sometimes when a customer decided I needed a greasy handprint under my skirt.  

I still remembered the feeling of the greatest magic the world had ever known, and those memories told me one thing only.   

“She’s bluffing.  There’s no way she can cast the Explosion and Teleport out before it kills her, even with an item ready.  She can’t Teleport then cast Explosion either, because even if the palace barrier failed you still have to see what you’re aiming at, and any place high enough to see over the walls is guarded.”

“Good, and she can’t just drop the spell and start casting the second she’s under attack?” He pressed.

“No, she’ll need at least a few seconds to un-cast her Explosion and do anything else.”

“That’s all I need.   But I doubt the average flunky knows that, and she’s gambling they’ll panic and sell you out to save themselves. She also probably thinks all the fogs are decoys by now, so it should be safe to hide in one and wait this out,” the jerk said over one shoulder as he made his way to a window and started unwinding a rope.

“And you’re going to do what?” I asked skeptically.

He gave a hollow laugh and kicked a windowpane out. “What else?  Something really fucking stupid.”

The twit probably thought that was a cool line to end on, because he Vanished right after, off to the sound of the counting echoing across the palace grounds.

For a moment I was tempted to do as he said.  I’d been a waitress and bartender until now, outside of the odd monster I’d taken with my sling and knife.  I didn’t belong out there in the middle of the danger, not anymore.

But I’ve also been part cat even longer, and they’re famous for one thing.

Chomusuke, take over.  Get us out there and don't let us be seen.

My partner pounced on the chance.  She might be more a goddess of sloth than violence these days, but she’d never turn down watching a good fight.  

We flitted from shadow to shadow in the gathering evening gloom, then up to a roof with a flutter of wings timed to be covered with the counting.  I beat Kazuma there, but only barely.  Wolbach was just passing thirty and the handful of Royal Guard spared from the fight out front looked like they might be about to take their chances and rush her, threats or not. We settled in with our eyes peeking just over the roofline from the opposite side.  Just a little black shadow against the dark roof tiles, the closest thing to invisibility known to man or demon.

A ripple against a glow light caught my eye, just for an instant as it sped across the courtyard.

Wolbach noticed too, but he was already too close for her to let her Explosion fail safely before he was on her and I agreed with what seemed to be Kazuma’s plan.  If she’d wanted to commit suicide there were easier ways.  He appeared a moment later, shortsword drawn and empty hand priming a spell.  I hadn’t known he knew any magic.  

I do know one of my most cherished memories in my creaky old age after another two or three decades, if I’m that lucky.  The look on Wolbach’s face when she realized he really didn’t care that she was holding enough power in one hand to level towns and planned to fight her anyway.

She backpedaled away from his first swing and started frantically stepping down her now useless Explosion before she lost control of it and vaporized herself along with the rest of us.  As the spell dimmed and flickered, the Guards realized what he was doing, and charged in to join the fun. 

Wolbach had better footwork than you’d expect from a wizard, though at her age she’d had plenty of time to practice.  A real swordsman might still have taken her, but Kazuma had the bare basics and nothing else.

“Create Water! Freeze!” he barked as the last of her spell flickered out.  She caught part of it across her face, and for an instant wore a mask of ice across her mouth and nose before her magic resistance undid it.

“Cheap tricks won’t save you, boy,” she growled back.  A Cursed Lightning spell flared past him, striking a squad of Guardsmen charging to join the fray and out for blood.

Kazuma might’ve been fine with her Teleporting out to be someone else’s problem if she’d been willing, but the Guards weren’t having any of it.  Their families lived in the barracks within the palace walls with them, and if those walls would’ve saved the rest of the city by channeling the blast upwards, that was no consolation to anyone trapped inside. 

“Steal!” He shouted in reply, leaping back as she raised one hand, something in her fist.  He grabbed something , but not what he was aiming for because a second shockwave centered on Wolbach knocked back him and the closest guardsmen.  The fireballs and ice missiles the wizards hurled at her to cover their comrades also fizzled out on contact.  Only Intermediate Magic, but a lot of it.  Human wizards that reached Advanced Magic in their prime years like my old boss Wiz the Ice Witch or Lady Rain were prodigies even by Royal Guard standards.

In place of the saturation barrage was a crackling barrier of arcing lightning, like a permanent series of ever shifting lightning strikes.  It made me sick just to look at it, I knew that effect anywhere.  During my time working for Wiz I’d even heard of her using it in action, when she attempted to trap General Vanir.  Only to learn that like most of my dad’s devices it was totally useless for its intended purpose.  Blocking any attacks from both directions, unable to be turned off until the user’s mana ran out.

Worthless for its purpose, but just the thing for catching a breather in a tight spot if she’d fixed it.

I couldn’t lip read well enough to tell for certain, but by the look of it, blocking anything meant anything.  Even teleport denial.   I all but screamed in frustration, after all this she was going to get clear using something my former people, my family made?  If there’d been so much as a pebble in arm’s reach I might’ve tried to throw it at her, paws or not.  But that was all I could have done.  The only attack spell I knew was still Explosion, for all I’d grudgingly picked up a few utility skills to help my new life.  

The evening gloom brightened, the blue white of the lightning cage matched by a red gold ball of pure destruction throwing stark shadows as it streaked overhead.

“SACRED EXPLODE!”

Blocking almost anything, that is.

Kazuma’s turn

I've never really believed in gods, any more than many of my people do outside vague cultural baggage. But Iris in that moment backlit against the evening sky as she launched her attack was probably the closest I'll get to seeing a Goddess of War.

The thunderclap of her sword skill impacting Wolbach’s barrier still echoed across the square as she jumped down from the roof, landing with a whump and flutter of fabric.  

Her ball gown looked like it had lost a fight with a weed eater, and her shoes were long gone to who knows where.  The tiara was still in place by some miracle or more likely magic, but the rest of her hair had blown out of its braids and clasps to stream around her shoulders like a comet’s tail as she landed.  And I was certain all of the blood on her was someone else’s.  Maybe several someones.

Wolbach was tired, frustrated, and I’d made sure to tangle with her holding a huge advantage and with some professionals backing me up.  Exploiting the True Power of Friendship, as Chief Yunyun would say.  

She still almost handed me my head, and if she hadn’t decided I was a lesser threat than the guardsmen I’d have become a smoking corpse at least once.  

I’ve seen the best the Crimson Demon Clan has to offer in action, and though they’d probably never admit it to their dying day, Wolbach was a little better.  More experienced, more versatile, and at least as powerful.  The fact she even had Explosion at all meant she’d already mastered any other magic she cared about and had the points just lying around.

Maybe that was why Iris spoke no witty remarks, no offers of honorable surrender or appeals to sparing life.  Her enemy was in front of her, and her people behind.  And that was all that seemed to matter.  Iris went at her like a blonde Terminator, and didn’t even bother dodging anything that wasn’t Advanced Magic.  

Wolbach didn’t bother with much that wasn’t.  She cycled out Cursed Lightning and Light of Saber the way other mages would send a common Wind Blade.  The rest of us who weren’t superhuman killing machines took cover where we could, if we could, and let the two titans battle it out in what was left of the courtyard while the handful of remaining Royal Guard rallied and went to assist their Queen.

I contented myself with looking busy doing some splint and bandage work after my Lesser Heal ran dry.   Hopefully doing a little good until a priest could come along to do the real heavy lifting.  I’d had enough brushes with death for one day.

I remember parts of that fight, in between seeing to some luckless soldier or servant who didn’t run fast enough.

Marble spawning shrapnel from a sword strike that I couldn’t even follow, but Wolbach somehow managed to stay away from.

A decorative oak that was probably older than my grandfather shattering and spewing burning splinters the size of my hand as the sap flashed to steam under a Crimson Laser and burst like a balloon.

Iris running along a sheer wall, kicking off and launching herself at Wolbach like a ballista bolt.  The general lost track of her for a crucial second, and that was enough.  A flash of the royal sword, and General Wolbach was done. 

——————————————-

It felt like hours later I was in the middle of trying to tourniquet an arm like I vaguely remembered practicing, back during one of my Wiki walks through dangerous and/or useful sounding skills ages ago.  I heard someone approach from behind and grunted a distracted ‘hang on a minute’ as I tried to get the stupid thing to stay tight before finally yanking a cloth out of my pocket and adding it on hastily.  

After another moment of knotting, I turned around to find Iris looking down at us quizzically.

“So tell me, Kazuma.  Is there any particular reason you’re tying a…comically oversized brassiere to that man’s arm?”  She asked dryly.  She’d found an intact cloak somewhere, I noticed with a little disappointment. 

I looked back down, startled.  Sure enough, a G cup wonder was wrapped several times around his bicep with a bit of halberd shaft through the arm loop things to keep it tight.  Sadly, the swordsman was too out of it to realize he had the most amazing medical device ever.  Maybe he’d appreciate it when he woke up.

“I…huh.  I wonder where that came from…oh.”

“That sounds like a story I’ll want to hear,”  she replied with a wan smile.  “Along with the rest of this…” she gestured around “ongoing disaster.  The walls might be rated to resist an Explosion, but the buildings inside certainly aren’t.  We’ll need to relocate to the cathedral.  Come on, the Eris acolytes can take it from here.  You’ve done enough.”

Chapter Text

Iris’ turn

Belzerg’s Cathedral of Eris also doubled as the kingdom’s mint.  Surrounded by a substantial circular wall pierced by only one gatehouse, it was designed as much for the manufacturing and security of its contents as it was the needs of the ceremonies performed within.  

It also had its own barrier much like the palace’s, still active and glowing faintly blue as we approached the gates.  Unlike the one protecting the demon king’s castle we couldn’t leave either barrier active full time, but it was every bit as powerful.  

I raised a hand and pushed lightly on it; a sip of my mana being taken in exchange for opening a port.  Once the last of us passed by I cut the flow and let it close behind us.

Within was the cathedral proper, rising several stories in what Kazuma had called a parthenon when I’d described it to him.  The heavy gates stood open against the shining limestone walls as we entered, the way ahead of us cleared already.

We made a sorry sight against the cleanly swept floors and polished stone pews and columns, with me in a borrowed cloak and not much else besides blood and rags and the rest of us little better off.

Fortunately, the archbishop was nothing if not efficient even when he wasn’t absent healing the injured.  So we found plain but fresh clothes and a chance to clean up waiting for us before convening in a private room with my aides and sending the others to rest.

“Teleport denial over the city will stay up until tomorrow night, by then I expect to have anyone who might have had access to the challenges and countersigns in custody or otherwise accounted for,” Claire began once we were seated. “I…I’m afraid I can’t apologize enough for a failure this great.  To have not one, but two generals successfully infiltrate the city, and then attack the palace…”

Rain and I shared a look as she continued to speak, as though the blame for every bit of rubble or spot of blood should be laid at her feet.  I sighed to myself and admitted that much of it would be.  The Prime Minister serves at the monarch’s pleasure as the rest of the cabinet does.  But while most ministers are generally blamed for problems that happen within their domains, the PM receives criticism for almost everything that goes wrong.

Given my selfish choice, Captain Mitsurugi would be my pick to fall on his sword for allowing so much damage to the palace he was assigned to protect, but so far as I could tell he had done everything correctly if not brilliantly.  Facing a coordinated attack by two generals would tax any defense, especially in the face of having one of his companies removed to guard me on the other side of the city.

“Claire, the peerage can and will fall on this as a chance to demand your removal.  It would hardly be the first time.  But you should know by now that you still retain my trust and favor.  Both of you.  This was a failure of our spycatchers to be sure, and there will be consequences for those who failed their charge.  Let blame remain with those who have earned it, among us at the least.”  

At their seated bows, I continued.  “Now then. This device that they brought that allowed them to bypass our teleport denial, what do we know of it?” 

“Having its barrier forcibly destroyed did it no favors I’m afraid,” Rain answered. “Even before it went through a battle against your majesty.  Luckily, Megumin claimed to recognize the effect as similar to a tool her parents made in the past.  With Eris’ grace we might know more once they can be interviewed and make appropriate countermeasures.”

“A pity Sir Kazuma’s Steal misfired,” Claire mused. “An intact example might have saved us all a great deal of trouble.”

“Steal is a notoriously fickle skill,” I agreed, and resolved not to mention what he’d gotten instead.  Claire had enough tendency to hover over my affairs as it was.  “As it is we shall hope for the best.  At the least, one less general faces us and another was at least wounded before being driven away.”

Despite my best efforts and those of some of the best wizards and warriors we had.  I’d never faced Hans the Last Poison Slime personally before today, and a part of me hadn’t quite believed the stories.  No longer.

As I had arrived at the run with the vanguard from those at the Parade Ground I found utter devastation.  The very flagstones of the space around the walls had been eaten through in places where he’d sat for too long, along with the metal bits of gear that had warped like butter left in the sun on being exposed to the monstrosity.  Of leather, wood, or the owners nothing had remained.  A constant barrage of magic of all types pounded him.  Flames flashed whole horse troughs full of him to steam at a time, ice crystals bloomed and shattered more.  Wind blades sliced, and lightning thundered, and he bore the brunt of it as though it were merely a rainstorm.  Simply closing the gaps the attacks made and replying with volleys of noxious globs that smoked and hissed on armor, and prompted frantic calls for healers and purification.

I hadn’t been able to stay and match blades, only launching a Holy Burst at him in passing that made his entire body ripple and hesitate.  He replied with a barrage of his own, dense as a hailstorm.  I weaved and ducked as I passed at top speed and entered the gatehouse, but not without getting the worst of the exchange, though my resistances kept his toxins from being more than an inconvenience at that dose.  

“Even with Komekko assisting with her advanced spells, any amount of intermediate magic was pointless,” Rain said, unknowingly agreeing with me.  “I would hesitate to count on him being wounded, certainly not for long.”

“No, no we cannot,” I glumly agreed, pondering.  Direct attack had been fruitless, and the purification magic I saw had done little.  But what else would you use on what was basically a mobile blob of polluted water… 

“You are not considering pursuing Hans personally, are you?” Claire asked carefully.

“We can’t let this stand,” I answered more calmly than I felt. “We can and will patch the hole in our defense, but selling the defeat of another general as a victory is going to be difficult in the face of the damage done.  Not to mention the need to prove that attacks of this nature are too expensive for them to afford, unless we wish a…”

Rain was horrified, but Claire was apoplectic. “Then I suggest you question Tina about what happened the last time we put together a kill quest for him!  And why Duchess Emily is no longer with us!”

“Lady Claire!” Rain snapped, but Claire kept on. 

“I will not have it!” She drew herself up and stared me down. “Emily’s family specialized in killing poisonous creatures of all types.  None more so than her.  And yet even she fell before Hans, and gained him his generalship in the bargain!”

“Do you deny something must be done?  If not, then whom would you send?” I asked coldly.  “Tina?  In her condition?  Or Sylphina?  Barely risen to her new rank?  Or is there some other person of whom I am unaware who has the necessary Skills and resistance?” 

Claire set her jaw, and I knew I was in trouble. “I do deny that something must be done right this minute.  Let the peerage and proles say what they might.  Let losing Wolbach be enough of a deterrent.  Your…Iris.  You are my Lady, my queen, and the child I never had.  I refuse to lose you; the kingdom would never survive it.  I would never survive it.  I don’t pretend to be able to stop you if your course is set on this, but I will not be a party to this folly.  Should you choose to pursue General Hans personally I shall resign my position as Prime Minister effective immediately.”

Kazuma’s turn

The sun was bright, and the sky was clear two days after the attack. 

“One who is darker than twilight

One who is redder than flowing blood

Buried in the flow of time

In thy great name,

I hereby pledge myself to darkness…”

“No, no…hmm…” Megumin stood a few paces away, muttering to herself. 

“Heed me now, thou who is darker than dusk,

Heed that which is more red than blood,

In the name of that which has been buried in the bottomless abyss of time eternal,

I summon thee, Master of the ultimate darkness…”

“Better,” she muttered, before scribbling on a notepad again.

“Today, MiniMeg,” I called out to the drama queen.  Ears flattening on instinct, she turned to glare at me relaxing under a tree.  

“This is a delicate operation!  The precise wording of an Explosion spell’s chant is crucial to the potency and control of magic of such power!  And so is quiet and concentration to work out its intricacies!”  Muttering again, she turned back to her notes, tracing gestures in the air as she did.

I glanced at Komekko beside me with a raised eyebrow.  

“It does matter, sort of,” she whispered to me. “But mostly I freestyle my summoning chants nowadays.  It keeps things interesting.”

That I believed.  Around us golems carted away rubble and moved freshly quarried stone into the palace complex.  Others worked alongside mortal masons fitting them into place and shoring up the damaged sections.  The Ambassadorial Annex, I’d finally learned the proper name, seemed by consensus to be a total writeoff, having been right next to the throwdown between Iris and Wolbach and eaten more than its share of collateral damage for that poor decision.  But it had shielded some of the palace proper in the process, and survey work was underway to determine what needed to be done to make this side livable again.

The remains of the grove of pine trees near one wall gave a little shade as we stayed out of the way of the reconstruction work.  Well, Megumin and I did.  Rain and Iris were both busy and tight lipped about what with, and Sylphina was at the cathedral.  Komekko had just come off a shift ordering golems around, having sensed low level magic in the air and gotten curious.

“Hey,” the younger clanswoman said just as softly. “Thank you.”  I turned again, to find her looking at me steadily, not a hint of bluster or humor on her face.  “For keeping her safe.  I…I’m still angry with her.  Maybe I always will be.  But I couldn’t stand to lose her again, not like this.  She said you protected her with some clever spellwork, and spent a small fortune doing it too.  Before you ran off to try and get yourself blown up.”

I looked away and cleared my throat. “Wasn’t my fortune, I didn’t earn it.”  Had it given to me as part of my pay and equipment, sure.  But I hadn’t done anything besides show up. “And I had a perfectly good plan.  It just didn’t work.”

Komekko snorted. “If a stupid plan that works isn’t stupid, then what does that make a smart plan that doesn’t?”

“That blue guard guy liked it.  Said it was very heroic to face a general in single combat.”

“Single plus twenty other guys to keep you company.  And Captain Mitsurugi is…”

“Ok, ok.  Fine.  I was a dumbass who got lucky.  You’ve seen my Adventurer card, that’s a skill too.”

Oh, blackness shrouded in light...

Frenzied blaze clad in night...

In the name of the Crimson Demons, let the collapse of thine origin manifest.

Summon before me the root of thy power hidden within the lands of the kingdom of demise!

“HA!  HAHA!” Megumin cackled. “Now we’re getting somewhere!”

I sighed, and went back to the meatball sandwich I’d been enjoying.  Megumin had inhaled hers like a starving kitten before getting back to work on making her chant as cringy as possible, bits of sauce still on her face.

Komekko stood up and grabbed my beer.  Before I could gripe, she pulled a rag out of her pocket and poured a little out on it, then pushed it into my hands and strode off to her sister.

“Sit still.  You’re a grown woman, at least eat like one” she muttered and wiped Megumin’s face briskly.  Finishing, she tucked the rag away again. “Do you not seek archaic knowledge in the Archives, still?” she asked pointedly.

I nodded, not bothering to hide my smirk at her retreating into Crimson Demon speak as she turned away from us.

That, sadly, was my cue to pack up too.  Finishing my sandwich and drink I stood as well.  With Komekko here to take over Megu-sitting I had no more excuse to avoid my assignment.  

Claire had me looking up anything related to General Hans, the giant blob of doom that had made a mess of the palace gates, and the more I read the worse it got.  Not only was he the highest bounty of any of the generals, he seemed to have it in for the Ford-Dustiness family in particular.  As specialists in killing poisonous creatures, they were pretty much his natural enemy and he made it his personal mission to wipe them out by the look of it.

As for why I was having to dig all this up myself?  Well, that brought up something I never thought much about.  Even as a high school dropout, I had a decade of education across all kinds of subjects.  Not that a lot of them were worth anything now, but it meant I’d done my share of book reports and library searches.  Compared to most non nobles learning the alphabet and a little basic math at the local church at best I, or one of my transplanted countrymen, was as good as it got except for a professional scholar.

So there I was, reliving my junior high days writing out Kokkoro’s hidden meanings, when the lady in question sent me a message summoning me to her office.

Ancient Blonde was waiting for me at her desk, not at the little conversation nook she met Iris and I last time.  Feeling vaguely like I’d been called to the principal’s office, I stood impatiently in front of her.

She didn’t play the ‘wait for me to finish what I’m doing’ game, luckily.  Claire signed something or other and set it aside once she sprinkled a little sand on it to dry.  Though her looking down her nose at me wasn’t a huge upgrade over being ignored.

“What are your findings?” she asked without bothering with a greeting. This was going to go well, I could already tell.

“Your filing system could use some work, for one.  But I think I found everything there on Hans.  He’s a piece of work, but I don’t have to tell you that.  He’s also near impossible to track since he keeps changing appearance, and if there’s a way to kill the guy without turning most of the Clan loose on him I haven’t found it yet.”

“No, you do not,” she agreed tersely. “I knew some of his victims quite well.  I asked you to conduct this search because I have a task for you.”

I made a ‘go on’ gesture, which made her lips tighten in disapproval.  Imagine how little I cared.

“With the recent attack on the capital, we must have a way to reassure the people that such things will not happen again. Her majesty believes that killing Wolbach is helpful, but hardly enough.  Hans has been a blight on the land for far too long, neutralizing him and avenging all who fell against him would be a mighty boost indeed.”

My stomach had been freefalling towards my boots from the start of that sentence, it hit terminal velocity when she went put on her most formal tone. 

“You are charged with finding and eliminating General Hans, using whatever methods you deem fit.  The party her majesty gathered is at your disposal.  For anything further you have only to ask, within reason.  Fail not in this task at your peril.”

“I….I’m in charge.  Me.  Are you completely…Why would I be in charge over Ir-her majesty!” My voice began to rise, and certainly not crack, as that thought hit me.

“Don’t be a fool, her majesty will not be present.” Claire snorted derision at mere thought. For once, I agreed with her.  “The next most senior adventurer would be Archwizard Komekko.  Perhaps you’d prefer her to be in command?” Claire suggested dryly with a twist to her lips dangerously close to a smirk.

I thought about that.  Crimson Demon Komekko, friend to all things scaly, horned, and/or terrifying.  With final authority over all our lives.  I shuddered. 

“I thought not.  Sylphina has hardly more adventuring experience than you either.  And with your existing record, you’re the natural choice.”  She spread her hands in a ‘what can you do’ gesture. “The decision largely makes itself.”

She wasn’t wrong about that.  I’d been leaning on taking on Seresdina to justify me even being here, but sooner or later somebody was always going to ask ‘what have you done for us lately?’  That time had come, it looked like.

“And her majesty approved of staying behind?” I asked quizzically. It didn’t sound like her, but while I doubted Claire would go behind her back quite this blatantly there was no harm in checking.  Sure enough, she slid over a sealed note that carried Iris’ seal.  “Begrudgingly I admit, but yes she did.  Her writ to requisition  what you might require for the task, subject to her approval.”

I nodded, taking the note. “And what do I receive in return when I come back?”  I half expected Claire to express disbelief at the thought given what I knew about Hans so far.  Instead, she sighed, and showed the first sign of vulnerability I’d ever seen from her.

“Besides the bounty, which is quite substantial as you know, I…House Sinfonia will withdraw any objections to an engagement between you and her majesty,” she ground out as though merely speaking the words physically pained her. “Completing the task would prove you worthy of marrying into the Royal line.   Furthermore, her majesty has been unwed and without an heir for too long.  Without a more appropriate candidate…” she grimaced again.  “We must make do where we can.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence,” I said with all the sarcasm I could muster.  Sweeping myself into a formal bow in the best style Rain taught me, I replied with just the slightest hint of mockery. “Milady’s and her majesty’s trust shall not be proven misplaced.  I accept my charge and will endeavor to fulfill it in spite of the grave peril it represents.”

And with that I turned on my heel and showed myself to the door. 

=============================================================== 

The next day, reality set in.

Hans had soloed a company of Royal Guard plus Komekko and gotten out alive.  Granted, she hadn’t brought her friends along, but that was still damned worrying.  

I spent the morning babysitting turning over what I’d learned already, and making a list of what I might want.  It was slow going, and I kept getting a tickle in the back of my mind like I was forgetting something when a very chunni voice interrupted me.

“What troubles you this fine morning?” Megumin asked, curling herself up near me. 

At my confused look, she cleared her throat and looked away. “You haven’t complained once about my chant practice.  Since Komekko tells me you are never one to suffer in silence I can only assume something is terribly wrong.”  

“And?” I asked after a minute.

“And, what is the problem?  Come now, tell me all about it,” she prompted eagerly, ears quivering and tail lashing the grass under us.

I set down my pen and gave her a skeptical look.  “I get plenty of the big sis treatment from Sylphina as it is, and she’s seventeen.”

“I would have you tell me how old you think I am.”

Knowing a no win situation when I heard it, I just gave her a flat look until she snapped “I’m twenty five, and a real big sister!  Come on, I’m bored to tears here!  If it weren’t for fixing up my chant I’d have gone crazy days ago, and that’s finished now!” she pleaded, giving me the kind of big sad eyes generations of evolution had given house cats to manipulate their staff.  

And it worked, damn her.   

“Fine. I have a new job, and I’m not sure how to do it.  It's dangerous, and if I don’t get it right a lot of people are going to die.”

Instead of backing off and letting me work she leaned in even more excitedly, and I had to remind myself that under the tall furry ears and gold eyes was a Crimson Demon.

Reasoning that with her under watch there wasn’t any harm, I went on. “I’m going after Hans.  We need him gone to reassure people the capital is safe, and that we’re finally winning.”

Megumin lost the bright glitter in her eyes, and her posture closed up like a book snapping shut.  And I remembered too late that she was another of his victims too.  

I wanted to take up my pen again and let the moment pass, but she spoke up softly.  “Take me with you.”

“Excuse me?”

“I said take me with you!  I’m not doing anything here, nobody will miss me!  And I can help!”

“By doing what?  I don’t know what I’ll need yet but a taco cart probably isn’t going to be one of them.”  

Before I could react she darted in and started knocking on my skull like it was a castle gate.  “HELLO!  Is anyone in there?  Can I talk to someone who remembers what I’ve been practicing the last several days ?!”

I swatted her hand away and she backed up a step, though still on her knees glaring at me. “You said you couldn’t cast Explosion.  Hadn’t in years.”  I snapped. “And I’ve lived with your clan for weeks, are you really going to tell me you wouldn’t waste time making up a ridiculous chant for something you couldn’t use?” 

“I…” she frowned, and maybe blushed a little in embarrassment. “Fine.  But I haven’t cast it because I couldn’t or Wolbach might find me.  That was then, this is now!   I can use it, and better than ever!” She gave me a smirk that said she knew she’d won.  “And I remember some of what Wolbach knew before.”

I abandoned any thought of blowing her off  and restarting my list. “Start talking.”

Megumin grinned and waved a finger back and forth chidingly. “Do we have a deal?”

“Lie to me and I’m going to have a new fur rug, capiche?” I countered.

“I’m only furry on my ears and tail, freak,” she sniffed. While I wondered why she bothered with long sleeves and gloves then, she went on. “But here’s the thing.  Chomusuke sent me an invitation to join up with her and I accepted, so I came over in one piece.  Wolbach…didn’t.  She fought tooth and nail to keep from having her soul re-merge with Chomusuke, and I think a lot of her didn’t make it.  But I do know she and Hans were planning to meet up at a safehouse near Klassenberg maybe a week from now.  I don’t know why or what they were planning, maybe they thought with Wolbach having Chomusuke back they could challenge the fortress?” she shrugged helplessly. 

I chewed at my lip. Then bowed still seated. “Welcome aboard.  I’ll need to see your Explosion in action, but neutralizing Hans should be…”

Neutralizing.

Megumin was saying something, but I shushed her and tuned her out.  A bunch of the reports all said something about Hans smelling like brimstone.  I didn't think anything about it, but what if that mattered?  He had some kind of corrosive thing he attacked with.  What if at least some of it was sulfuric acid?  Every grade school kid in the western world has done the baking soda and vinegar volcano thing at least once.  If I could find enough of a strong base…

I looked up, and stared into her surprised and curious gaze.  “You’ve lived here for years, right?”

She nodded.

“Where’s the nearest soap works?”

Chapter Text

Kazuma’s turn

After getting directions from Megumin, I headed out after Sylphina showed up.  All the soapworks were zoned outside the walls along with the rest of the smelly and/or dangerous industries like leather tanning or glue and tallow rendering.  So I had a little bit of a hike, almost an hour.

I checked the sign against what our looniest, but amazingly not most dangerous, wizard sketched for me, and sure enough it matched.  A blue square balancing on one corner with a second smaller square outlined in white set inside it.

Putting away the sketch, I pushed through the doors.

Inside smelled much better than the street thanks to several scented candles burning and the scent of the bins of soap lined up along the light blue plastered wooden walls.  At the back was a dark stained wooden counter, tended by a woman wearing a navy blue dress.  She was pretty in a blonde, blue eyed way that reminded me a little of what Iris might look like in her late 30s. Though her hands and forearms had the rough texture and a few scars and burns of someone who worked with them day in and day out, rather than the calluses and muscle of a professional soldier.  

“Can I help you, sir?” she asked as I walked up, trying to be cheerful in spite of it being a slow day judging by the lack of customers inside.

Seeing a chance to fulfill a little fantasy of mine, I drew myself up and announced grandly.  “Indeed you may, madam.  I come here today with this royal writ, and request and require your compliance.  I must obtain all the lye you have on the premises, the stronger and more concentrated the more pleased I shall be.”  I slid across the sealed writ as I did, and smiled at the look of shock on her face as she took it and unsealed the wax. “Naturally, you will be compensated for your assistance.”

She nodded, her face first going from shock and a bit of fear to consideration as she read the writ, followed by irritation as she set it back on the counter and gave me an exasperated look.

“Sir…” she began in a patient tone I knew all too well was going to be trouble.

“Kazuma,” I supplied. “And I trust you have no problem with fulfilling my request?”

“Right.  Sir Kazuma.  Did you actually read this writ before you shoved it at me?”

“I know what it says…”

“So then you know that you have permission to buy what you need for this task of yours out of your funds, and request reimbursement from the treasury for it?” she asked sweetly.  “Not to walk off with my entire stock of a critical ingredient for making my products?  And maybe I get paid, one of these days?” She grinned at me and leaned over the counter to rest her elbows on it.  “In that case, certainly, let’s do business!  I’m Cecily, and I’ll be taking your money today!  Don’t bother going elsewhere, I can get word out faster than you can walk.”

I snatched up the writ, crumpling it slightly in my hands as I hurriedly read.  Sure enough, that was what it said, and damn Claire to all the hells for it.  And damn me for taking the blonde bitch at her word, I admitted as I let it fall back to the counter.

Closing my eyes, I stuffed the primal scream of fury and embarrassment I could feel bubbling up into a little box and tried to smile back at her.  “Fantastic.  So, Cecily.  What do you have in stock, and what’s your price?”

“An apology for nearly giving me a heart attack would be a good place to start.  But I’ll settle for, hmmm.  Let’s say 2000 eris per liter of my usual strength.  If you want it concentrated, that’ll cost you, it's more dangerous that way and takes me time and fuel to do it.  I can get it all the way down to a paste though if you’re willing to spend the eris for it.”    

“We both know you marked that up at least double,” I countered. “I’ll pay 2000, but only if it's in the paste form.  And how much do you have in stock anyway?  I was planning to visit several places.”

That brought a frown, and she regarded me critically. “Boiled down to paste?  Probably two hundred kilos.  The question is what you could possibly want that much for.  You don’t look the sort that worries about disposing of corpses.”

I thought quickly, from what I saw and read of Hans, he was the size of a small house in his true form, that much plain water would weigh hundreds of tons.  Nevermind all the gel and goop dissolved in him that would make him even heavier.  A fifth of a ton of lye seemed like a tiny amount to neutralize that much acid.

“What about your neighboring shops?  Any idea what they might have?” I asked instead.

“About the same, I’d wager.  Still curious what you’re up to.”

“Something that got me a royal writ to back it.  That’s all I can say,” I snapped.

Cecily eyed me another minute, then sighed. “Answer me one thing.  Is it true General Hans was the one who tried to breach the castle?”

I shrugged.  “Yeah, two of my partymates were there and saw him.  Why?”

In reply, she pulled up her necklace where I could see it.  It had the same emblem as her sign, but I hadn’t thought anything of it.  “I serve the greater glory of Lady Aqua as one of her priestesses, and Hans is responsible for defiling her holy sanctuary of Arcanretia.  I became one of her senior clerics because most of those higher leveled than me died keeping his poison from spreading outside the city.  Now most of us work making our signature products to sell for cash, to fund the most devoted of my brothers and sisters cleaning up the atrocity he left behind!”

 Her eyes began to take on a faintly bluish glow as she spoke, reminding me of Komekko or Megumin when they started to get agitated. “So your ‘request’ happening right after he shows up tells me everything I need to know.”  She pushed the writ back across the counter at me. “This is no good here.  Get out of my shop.”

“Now wait just a damned…!”

“Come back here at the fourth bell,” she went on, talking over my protest. “And bring a wagon.”   

With that, Cecily brushed past me and held the door open, flipping the sign to ‘closed’ as I passed through it.

Deciding that I could kill a couple hours in a tavern near the walls as well as anywhere, and be less likely to be given work in the meantime, I did just that by having a long lunch.  And never did I more appreciate the food inside the castle or the Village.  That done, I rented a wagon as asked and was leading the cart horse back to Cecily’s when I noticed a bit of a crowd outside.

As I pulled up there was a group of half a dozen people, all in that same navy blue as Cecily, plus the priestess herself.

“Welcome, Sir Kazuma!” the priestess greeted, red faced and sweating in spite of the nice weather. “Your order is ready.  My brethren and I emptied out our stock cabinets, the rest we leave to you.”

At that, a pair of burly looking men and a woman who wasn’t that much bigger than Cecily but must have been using some sort of strength buff began quickly loading divided wood boxes padded with straw, within which were glass bottles with lids tied shut.  

The rest gathered around me, all with the same eerie blue glow that Cecily had earlier. “Blessings of our Lady go with you, Sir Kazuma,” one of them said, laying a hand the size of a frying pan on my shoulder.  The peg leg and missing fingers told me why he wasn’t helping load.  Another took his place as he hobbled back, wishing me luck this time.  One by one they each took my hand or shoulder, wishing me luck or providing a blessing or buff.  Finally Cecily took her turn.

“Our Lady will smooth your path, and should you fall know you will have a place at Her side,” she intoned softly. “Greater Blessing!”  

“Thanks, I’ll make it count,” I replied, a little choked up in spite of myself.  I took hold of the reins, and led the carthorse onwards into the city.  

For the first time in my life being a shitty liar actually worked out for me.

Maybe Aqua wasn’t so bad, if she had followers like this.

Iris’ turn

“Your appointment is here, your majesty,” my clerk announced from the office I’d taken over in the Eris cathedral.  The palace reconstruction was well under way, but for now I saw no reason to move when the fuss was likely to cost time and effort we needed elsewhere.

One of the things needing to be dealt with walked into my office and flourished a bow.

“My thanks for agreeing to my request on such short notice, your majesty!” my visitor proclaimed. “I simply could not remain at rest, knowing the depth of my failure to uphold my oath!”

“Rise, Captain Mitsurugi,” I answered, doing my best to hide my irritation. “Please, do tell me of your request.”  He was another byproduct of my other self’s memories.  The princess had known he was present at the final battle in the Demon King’s very throne room and acquitted himself well.  Plus, he was known somewhat at court even before I received those visions.  Promoting him to command one of the three Royal Guard companies was a just reward for such achievements, even if he hadn’t strictly accomplished them yet.

At the time it had seemed like a good idea. 

“Your mercy knows no bounds, your majesty,” he said mournfully. “But I must protest its generosity here.  Having the palace become damaged, to such an extent even, under my watch is a blemish on my honor that might only be expunged with my own hands.  I seek your leave to do just that in any way I might.  Furthermore…”

Two years later, I’d long since both developed and confirmed my doubts.  It was as though he had memorized all the best lines of the great plays of knightly virtue, and repeated them at the slightest provocation in any situation they might apply.  Though there was a certain sort of woman that thrived on such, witness his two paramours, I was not among them.  In a boy just past marrying age that failing might be forgiven, but for a man of twenty eight it smacked of an unbecoming immaturity.  

 Knowing from prior experience this might go on for some time if I allowed it, I interjected.  “Your penitence speaks well of you, Sir Mitsurugi.  Did you have some specific task in mind?”

He nodded sharply. “Indeed I do.  It has come to my attention that Sir Kazuma brought a large quantity of something into the palace grounds yesterday.  Upon my own investigation, I determined that such a staggering quantity of a dangerous substance had no place within the walls and ordered it moved.  I was then told it was at your orders it be kept where it was.”

I nodded agreement, this was no surprise since Kazuma had sent me a message.  Nor had it required any great deductive skills, given a guard captain had access to most secure areas and the bottles were all clearly labeled with their contents.  Which reminded me, I needed to check in with him tonight.  Bringing in eleven hundred kilos of lye paste smelled of him being Up To Something, and simple prudence required I find out what it was.

“I did so order.  I’ll not divulge the reasons for it at this time, but rest assured I am aware.  If you see the need to post a watch I would have no objection.”  Though anyone fool enough to tamper with that cargo probably deserved what they got.

“That would greatly ease my mind, your majesty,” he bowed with another flourish.  And a thought struck me.  I disliked stirring someone else’s stew, but we were also without a shield thanks to Claire’s ultimatum…

“Tell me, Sir Kyouya.  Would you be interested in a suggestion?”

Kazuma’s turn

I looked the handsome bastard up and down, from armored boots to gold tiara looking thing, and wondered what I’d done to piss off Iris this time as we stood outside the stall my wagon occupied outside the palace stables.

Pursing my lips, I met his eyes again.  “So let me get this straight.  You want to come along on my little errand so you can redeem yourself for something that, let's be honest, wasn’t really your fault in the first place?  Because your ‘knightly honor’ will accept nothing less?”

“Indeed,” he agreed pompously. “And it has come to my attention that your proposed party will lack any who might be qualified for a front line role,” he paused, eyeing me in return. “With the exception of yourself, I suppose…” he trailed off, making it very clear what he thought of my abilities there.  Tempted as I was to punch the smug jerk for that, he was right.  If soloing Wolbach had taught me anything it was that a rookie swordsman had no business tangling with any General, even a magic focused one.  

“And you humbly nominate yourself for the job?” I asked with enough sarcasm to overload my wagon.

“Quite so.  As a Swordmaster class I would be the ideal match,” he agreed without batting an eye.  “And as a hero of the people and veteran of years of adventuring, her majesty was certain I was tailor made for the role.”

I was certain I was going to have a very hard time keeping the ‘lese’ out of my ‘majeste’ when I met up with her tonight after she foisted this jackass off on me, no matter how good he was with that can opener.  Undaunted, he took my smoldering annoyance for agreement.

“However…” Kyouya frowned dramatically, but raised voices interrupted us both.

“Kazuma, Kazuma!” Megumin proclaimed, echoing off the stone walls. “I require your assistance!  I must test fire my magic at the soonest opportunity and my disloyal sibling refuses to do her duty!”

Flanking the supposedly oldest of my temporary party were Sylphina and Komekko, neither of whom were moved by her plea.

“That’s my name, and I’m in the middle of something, here,” I called back.

Megumin’s eyes lighted and she made a beeline towards us, ears and tail twitching. “What could possibly be more important than certifying the trump card of our entire plan is fit for action!  I…” she finally caught sight of Sir Kyouya, though he wasn’t hard to miss.  Sylphina and Komekko had both noticed right away, the taller keeping a strictly neutral expression and nod of greeting, the other ignoring him entirely.

“Ladies, my apologies for borrowing your leader.  I was just discussing a small matter with Sir Kazuma, if you give me a moment I can be on my way.”  With that, he took me by the shoulder and steered us away a bit with our backs to them.

“Two Crimsons?  Bold move, bro.  And Lady Sylphina as well?  Trust me, way out of your league,” he muttered to me, dropping his courtly accent like he’d never left Tokyo.  “But if you’re trying for the golden ending then YOLO, right?  She’ll probably just turn you down gently, so nothing to lose.  Now, the thing about keeping a relationship with more than one girl going is you never, ever want any of them to feel left out.  Either do everything together as much as possible, or make damned sure to split your time with each of them evenly, and either way pay attention to them!”  he hissed, prodding me with one finger.

I batted it away, as best I could, the man was freakishly strong if he had nothing else going for him.  “The hell?!  Why do you even think that’s a thing?! I’m not into their kind of crazy!”  I mean even without Iris, really?  Sylphina seemed convinced I was ten, and even if I was into furry, and I wasn’t, I could just imagine what the pillow talk with Megumin would be like.  And as for her sister…maybe she could just summon me a nice succubus?  Even a literal sex demon had to be less dangerous than her route.

Kyouya chuckled knowingly. “I don’t judge, no judgment here,” he assured me, removing his hand and spreading both placatingly. “Fio, Clemea, and I have been together for years.  Best thing that ever happened to me.  But it sounds like your girls do want you for something, so I’ll catch up later.  Remember what I said, and good hunting!” He gave me a finger gun hidden from the trio and sauntered off, his knightly demeanor instantly wrapping itself around him like…that…had never happened.

I walked back to the girls, still fighting a bit of whiplash.

“Well?!”  Megumin pressed. “Will you help usher in the glorious age of Explosion, or not?”

Deciding to ignore that for a second, I said, “Her majesty sent him over to be our frontliner, since she’s not going along.”

Sylphina’s neutral expression deepened into a frown.  “I see.  He is capable enough with a sword,” she allowed grudgingly.  

Komekko snorted, then threw her cape back.  “You speak to the foremost summoner of the Crimson Demon Clan!  I need no mere tank when my legions of vassals stand ready to assist me!” she proclaimed grandly.  Then she shrugged.  ”But, if he wants to save me the trouble, then I don’t mind.”

Right.  Dammit, I might have to thank that jackass after all.  Shaking my head, I found Megumin practically vibrating as she bounced on her toes. “You can only use it once a day, we’re leaving tomorrow.  Are you going to be ready if we need it then?”

Grinning, she pulled out a pouch of manatite and spilled out five pieces into her palm. “And then some!”   

I sighed, and nodded.  “Fine, why not.  Might as well see what we’re working with.  Heaven knows if you choke on your first time I’d rather it be now.”

The little wizard seemed to swell up like a balloon, glaring back at me.  “I will have you know I am a veteran of many Explosions!  My experience is vast, and my prowess undeniable!”

“Sure, sure.  Come on, we can all go.  Just teleport us somewhere nobody cares about, please.” I asked Komekko.  I turned towards the stable doors and said over my shoulder.  “And better have a healer on standby for this. Plus, I’m not carrying her alone.”

Megumin sniffed haughtily, but followed with quick steps. “A gentleman would consider it an honor to assist a lady in her time of need.”

Komekko barked a laugh, making Sylphina look at her curiously.  

Clearly the younger sister knew me too well.  

Chapter Text

As always, edited by FullParagon

Iris’ turn

After one look at Kazuma’s face as my footman bowed him into the cathedral’s private dining room, I knew there was going to be trouble.  If the barely concealed ‘chewing nettles’ set to his jaw didn’t give it away, the stiff way he stalked into the room and bowed would’ve told anyone with eyes.

With that in mind, I turned to the attendant stationed beside the table.  “We shall serve ourselves tonight, I believe.  You are dismissed, Edmund.  And you as well, Burke.” I continued to the footman.  As soon as the door closed behind him, Kazuma’s patience snapped, his tone fairly groaning under the weight of the sarcasm. “Is there some reason of which I am unaware that I have incurred your displeasure, your majesty?” 

“I see that Sir Kyouya wasted no time,” I guessed.  “And no, you’ve done nothing to offend me.  That I am aware of,” I added after a moment.

Dropping the courtier pretense, he dragged out the other chair and dropped into it.  “Then why did you saddle me with that pompous, two faced jackass?” He halted for a moment in indecision, then shook his head. “No, actually I’m going to stand by that.  If anything I’m being nice to him!  I thought this mission was important, not an excuse to get that putz out of town for a while!”

“You haven’t said anything I haven’t thought of him,” I assured my dinner companion, relaxing against the back of my chair and trying to strangle the twinge of guilt at his accusation. “And no, removing Hans is of the utmost importance.  The fact of the matter is that for all his many faults he is the advanced class Swordmaster, holds a sacred weapon, and is a capable fighter.” I said instead.  All true, but getting him out of my hair temporarily was definitely a nice side benefit.  “We are not precisely spoiled for choice of people with those qualifications.  More to your point, we need a victory, and soon.  I would be leading the task myself if not for…other considerations.  Which I cannot and shall not be discussing.”  Best not to go into the gory details, there was no reason to engender bad blood between him and Claire.  My grandfather’s comment about policy making being like sausage making was all too apt at times. 

Kazuma settled a little at that, though clearly still displeased.  Well, that made two of us. “And does he really…are both of his two old party mates with him?”  

I frowned in disgust. “Yes, through something of a loophole.  Eris disdains marriage between more than two partners, or the taking of lovers after marriage.  However if one remains unmarried it is technically…well there is a bit of a gray area.”  I gave him my best basilisk royal stare. Claire told me it was quite good now.  “I for one do not hold with such things.”

Evidently Kazuma agreed, since he hurriedly changed the subject.  “Of course not!  Never crossed my mind!  I just can’t believe the high society types don’t complain.”

Letting it pass, I shrugged.  “They do, to some degree.  But again, he is a capable fighter and that counts for much.  Is it not the same in your world?”

“Pretty much.  ‘If you’re poor, you’re crazy.  If you’re rich, you’re just ‘eccentric,’” he chuckled.  With that we started dinner properly.

Tonight’s offering was traditional Belzerg fare, the cathedral kitchens not having access to the new recipes.  Even if they had, their menu tended to favor simple fare as a sign of devotion and frugality. With the new offerings having been introduced at my table, it would be some time before they were considered anything except experimental haute cuisine or noble fashion.  That said, the care and skill with which the grilled pork cutlets, bean and vegetable stew, and sourdough bread were prepared far exceeded what the typical home cook could achieve.

“So, the other thing I meant to bring up,” Kazuma began while cutting a slice of pork. “Thanks for covering for me with the lye.  I think it’ll give me the edge against Hans that I need.”

I gave a small shake of my head as I did the same.  “Not at all.  Though now that you have it, I would appreciate an explanation on what you intend to do with it.”  

“Sure!  So to start with, there’s a thing called an acid-base reaction…”

Kazuma’s turn  

My merry band set off the next morning, with me driving the same rental wagon I had gone ahead and bought rattling down the cobblestones.  Not just to avoid the trouble of reloading the cargo, thank you.  A beater like this one was perfect for blending into the thousand others in the city on our way to the gates.   

I was flanked by two archwizards of the Crimson Demon Clan, an archpriestess of the Eris church, and a swordmaster from Tokyo.  Somewhere there’s a joke that starts with all of us walking into a bar, but for the life of me I didn’t think our situation was funny.

Once we left the city, Sylphina and Komekko spread out to either side of me a little on their mounts.  Dressed as common adventurers, we just looked like a merchant who hired a few guards for his cargo on his way to who knows where.  Kyouya stayed right where he was, plodding along on his charger beside the driver’s seat of my wagon.

He also seemed to think he’d found a protege.

“Look, man.  I don’t care.  I’m not hooked up with any of these three.  End of story.” I hissed, glancing at the two girls on horseback.  Megumin  was as unable to ride a horse as I was, so she’d hitched a ride in the back and been napping since before we left the city. 

“Connerie, as our French friends say,” Kyouya smirked. “I’ve seen how you eye them.  Anytime I so much as mention one you glance her way.  And don’t think I didn’t notice you flipping that tarp corner over to shade Megumin back there.  Good move, BTW.  Always a smart idea to put in a little caring touch here and there, not too much though.  You want it to be a special surprise, not something they start expecting.” 

Thank all the gods, he’d been keeping his voice down as he talked, and talked.  I didn’t want to think about how they’d react to him basically feeding me lines to put together Baby’s First Harem.

“So like I was saying, the most important thing to remember about women is that it's all mental.  The key to winning her is getting inside her head.  Figure out what she wants, and how you can associate yourself with those things, and you’re halfway to payday.  Now, when I first met Clemea she was gung ho for being a warrior.  So, I approached her with that in mind, and made sure…” he stopped talking as Sylphina sidled her chestnut gelding over, switching topics at the blink of an eye. 

“The one handed weapon skill is a fine starting point, Sir Kazuma.  However, that is all it is.  Your build could surely benefit from the dexterity boost provided by a rapier skill, since to my knowledge your strength and durability stats are somewhat…subpar?  It would be best to play to your strengths rather than try to compensate for a weakness…”

“I’ll look into that, thanks,” taking full advantage of the break in his monologue my frantic signaling with my eyes to our archpriest finally got me.   “Lady Sylphina, do you have any ideas on what I should pick up?”

Giving me a look that said she knew full well that I was using her as a human shield, she replied “Most of the low level priest skills are valuable, if only because priests willing to become adventurers are so rare.  And I certainly wouldn’t mind having a backup healer in the party.”

Kyouya gave me a roguish wink from out of Sylphina’s line of sight and flicked his reins. “I shall ride ahead for a bit.  Do come find me if you have need of further consultation, I am always delighted to share what poor wisdom I may have acquired in my travels.”

Once the ass of the horse and the horse’s ass riding it passed on ahead, I exhaled a heavy sigh.  “Thanks, I didn’t think he’d ever shut up.”

Sylphina rolled her eyes. “The three of us are hardly bug repellant, Sir Kazuma.  Tell him to relocate elsewhere, or scout ahead if his conversation displeases you.”

“INDEED!  We are bug SMASHERS!  Merely say the word and he shall be ERASED from the MORTAL PLANE!”  I nearly jumped out of my skin at the hissed interruption.  Craning my neck to look behind the wagon seat, I found Megumin glaring at Kyouya’s back while kneeling on the tarp she’d supposedly been napping on.  Her ears twitching and glowing eyes narrowed in irritation as she tracked him. 

“What, you’re saying the way to your heart isn’t by Explosion?  Say it ain’t so!” I snarked back, getting my heartrate back under control.   Hurriedly, I thought back and tried to remember if I’d said anything incriminating.

Megumin cleared her throat and looked away guiltily. “A partner who treasures its beauty as much as I…would be a worthy match…”   

I snorted and turned back to Sylphina.  “You really think I haven’t tried?  He just tells me I’m deluding myself, and then goes on, and on.”  Some fellow NEETs came uncomfortably to mind, who just would not shut up about how based Rias or Akeno were or whatever seasonal trash they were obsessed with this month and would forget about in a year. 

Not me, of course.  I only had quality taste.  Like Date a Live, or Rosario + Vampire.

---------------------------------------------------

My Kyouya repelling strategy of keeping one or another of the girls around did work though, he rode point for most of the trip out to the otherwise unassuming little town that was playing host to a Demon General.   

Megumin knew the inn where they were supposed to meet, and it was on the edge of town at least.  But there was still an awful lot of property and people in the ‘splash zone’ given what I’d seen her Explosion do during that…test.  That I tried not to think about too much.  Fighting him out of town was going to be pretty much required.  The tricky part in all this was going to be pulling Hans into an area that nobody would mind becoming a toxic waste dump, or a crater. 

Which led to problem number one.

“Of course the ladies can’t be seen acting as common bandits.  Neither can I!” Kyouya replied to my proposed plan of just ambushing our target on the road outside town.

“You came out here in disguise,” I snapped back. “Just keep wearing it and who’s going to know?!”

“Anyone whom I-we tell of this deed!  Disguise is a legitimate ruse of war, so long as one announces their true allegiance before the attack.  And Lady Sylphina and I are too high profile, and Archwizards Megumin and Komekko are too distinctive, for him to be ignorant of us.  Not to mention he has spent extended periods in combat with all of us.  The moment he hears our names, or even sees one of our faces, we must assume he will withdraw and the plan is foiled!” 

“Not all of us,” Megumin muttered grimly, but he ignored her. 

Tamping down on my simmering temper, I tried to be civil to the twit.  “I don’t mean to be rude,” I countered, more than slightly bending the truth. “But, I’m told, he pulled out of the capital because the mission failed, not because he was losing.  What are the odds he’ll back away on seeing some of the same people he was able to handle just recently?” 

I admit I didn’t try very hard.

This time Sylphina interjected. “I for one have no issue with deception if it serves Lady Eris’ purposes, however Sir Kyouya does make a valid point.  Hans is powerful, but he has remained alive as long as he has because he is also cautious.  He will avoid any fight he has no need to win simply on general principles.  We must present him with a situation that does not trigger his suspicion.  Even an above average seeming adventuring party such as ours appears to be might cause him to avoid us.”

Unfortunately, that made a lot more sense than the Knightly Rules of Engagement that Kyouya was trying to enforce.  Damnation.

“Making me the only one who wouldn’t seem like a threat to him,” I completed her thought.

In her defense, she did at least look embarrassed about it.  

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Iris was not going to be happy about paying for me flattening a few hectares of expensive tomatoes in the fields beside the road a kilometer or so outside town, but I suspected she’d get over it.  If this worked.

Megumin, Sylphina, and Komekko were well back from the road, taking cover at the bottom of an irrigation ditch on the far side of the field and doing their best to radiate as little magic as possible.  They would need to sprint to get in position to cast, but they claimed they could do it.  Kyouya was closer and doing the same in spite of his complaints, since frontline types were harder to spot, and no real threat to Hans anyway.

As for me, I was with the cart pretending to fix a broken wheel by the highway, the horse hobbled and grazing further off.  No need to let the poor guy get caught up in this.  

Truth be told, and I’ll deny it to my last breath if you repeat it, I’d never been so scared in my life. The Moguunin had jumped us before I’d had a chance to be properly terrified, and for Seresdina I’d had the most dangerous person on earth sign off on my plan and only a stone's throw (for her) away at the time if everything went to hell. 

Now it was all on me, and if Komekko and Megumin were each nearly as dangerous as Iris in their own ways, they weren’t the ones calling the shots.  

I’d been glancing up every minute or two as I pretended to work, and around noon I saw a lone figure leading a pack mule that matched Hans’ usual form’s description.  Wiping my forehead and smearing axle grease all over it in the process, I waved at him as he came closer.  The signal for the girls to start running after Kyouya relayed it.

“Hey there!  You got a minute, stranger?  I need three hands for this job it seems like, and I’ve only the two.  I’ll make it worth your while!”  I shouted at him, trying to pass off my hands shaking as tiredness.  

For a second I thought he’d bite, then his eyes narrowed. “What the hell are you hauling?!  It smells disgusting!”

“Lye soap,” I replied casually, shifting away from the wagon as I popped my back.  “Best cleaner you could ask for.  Want a jar?  After a day on the road it’d come in handy.”

He recoiled like I’d suggested he eat a kitten.  Which he probably had, now that I thought about it. “Not a chance!  You and that whole cargo of poison can go straight to…!”  As he spoke he gave a jerk to his mule’s lead rope, and started to leave, but then twenty tons of stone arrived.

Hans was not one of the senior Generals for nothing, as soon as he sensed magic moving he dropped his decoy human form and was into his Jello mountain one in seconds.  For once, this was the wrong move.  

I dove aside and took off running as Komekko’s golem seized the wagon by its traces and swung it like a bat, launching eleven hundred kilos of lye paste in a shower of glass jars at a target too big to miss. 

When I told this story to a fellow Japanese, who apparently remembered more chemistry than I did, this was the point where he started screaming.

Funny story.  The whole baking soda and vinegar volcano thing that I expected to happen?  A big, fizzy mess that crippled Hans long enough for an Explosion to finish off?  That only happens if you mix the two in open air.   Seal them up under pressure, like say launching the open jars meters inside a slime monster so that tons of him are sitting on top?  The gas byproduct has nowhere to go, and the pressure builds.  Second problem, lye and sulfuric acid are way, way more reactive than vinegar and baking soda, and on top of that they generate heat when react, not pull it in.  So the gas gets made a lot faster, and on top of that all that heat is going straight into boiling the liquid around the jars.  

He described it as being more like a steam explosion under those conditions, and that’s pretty much what I saw.       

Like an idiot, I was looking back over my shoulder while sprinting towards the others when I saw the bubbles hit critical mass after about a second and erupt in a shower of Hans chunks for dozens of meters in all directions.  

Much further than I’d had time to run.

I had a fleeting impression of that bastard Kyouya swerving away to dive in front of the girls with his shield up, and then a chunk the size of my chest knocked me cold before it had a chance to dissolve me.

Then I woke up.

Between one blink and the next I was in a blank, gray void, a checkerboard pattern on the floor and blankness above, the only other occupants the ornate chair I found myself in and...

“Kazuma Sato, welcome.”  In the room was an ornate desk and a chair holding the one who announced my arrival.   If there was ever a goddess, she had to be it.

Her beauty was beyond the idols shown on television; she had a glamor that surpassed humans, with long, silky smooth blue hair and seemed to be about my age.

She wasn’t too busty nor too lacking, a classic example of medium is premium, and had a light-purple hagoromo draped over her shoulders.

“I am the goddess Aqua.  Your time in this world is at an end…”

Chapter Text

“I am the goddess Aqua.  Your time in this world is at an end…”

I stared at the self proclaimed divinity before me in shock.  That was it?  I completed the quest line!  Killed the general!  I had a queen waiting to get hitched!  And all that is gone just because I didn’t do enough cardio !  Who designed this level? How lame could you get?!  

But somehow, she’d moved from her throne-like chair to standing in front of me in the blink of an eye.  

“That’s what I would usually say, anyway.”  She leaned forward, putting a hand to her mouth and whispering.  “But I have a deal for you, if you can keep a secret.”

That also put her best assets right in my line of sight, and if I hadn’t been spending so much time around Iris, Yunyun, Lalatina, and even Ancient Blonde though I’m definitely not into MILF types…that would’ve been a lot to handle for the old me.

“Go..on….”  I said slowly, for once actually trying to keep my eyes on hers instead of enjoying the show.

“So…I’m in a bit of a pinch.  You died, but you’re not from here, right?  And you didn’t die in Japan to get here like everyone else, so I’ve never seen you before and given you a divine item and all the rest of that stuff we hand out before shipping earthers to Belzerg.  So you don’t really belong to…anybody really.  You landed on my plate because you died with my follower’s buffs and blessings on you, but that’s like, a technicality and stuff?”  She shrugged, one finger to her lips as she considered.  “This whole ‘veil transfer’ thing that the mortals here came up with probably should’ve gotten somebody smited, it's really going to mess things up if it keeps going.  But for now, I really don’t have a rulebook for how to deal with you.”  

She smiled at me, reminding me of a used moped dealer I’d tried to bargain with, and nearly wound up with a clunker with a fresh coat of paint and an engine older than I was.

“So that means I can pretty much do what I want, right?  Easier to ask forgiveness than permission, after all!  So let me tell you what I have in mind!  It's simple!  You know I’m the patron goddess of the Axis church, right?”

I’d always heard it called a ‘cult’, but couldn’t say I knew much more about them than that.  “Yeah, I met a few of them right before…well right before.”

“Aren’t they great?  Cecily is just the best, I have high hopes for her!  So you know we’ve had some…bad times lately.  Hans earned his place in hell, let me tell you!  And since you’re the one that put him there you’re getting the extra special offer!”  She straightened up again, which just meant I could see exactly how close to a wardrobe malfunction her miniskirt put her.  “In addition to the other benefits, I’ll even let you multiclass!  With a lame class like Adventurer, it's worth it right there.  You’ll keep your existing stats and skills, but I’ll add on the stat boosts and skills of a priest class on top of them!  Two for the price of one!”  

She pulled a clipboard and pen from thin air and handed it to me.  “Just sign at the bottom!”

Taking them, I frowned at the page clipped to it.  “One thing,” I said as I started skimming.  So far, it seemed to pretty much say what she’d just told me, though a lawyer I’m not.  “Sylphina has resurrection magic.  She’s probably casting it right now.  Does…”

Aqua sniffed disdainfully.  “She is, it's really annoying blocking her so we can have this talk.”

“WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT!”

I scribbled on the dotted line and shoved the clipboard back at her.  “Here!  Thanks for you and your follower’s help, but I’ve got a life to get back to!”

Clutching it to her chest like her most prized possession, she gave me a beaming smile and opened a portal beside me.

--------------------------------------------------

I came back to myself to find Sylphina leaning over me, looking drained and exhausted.  I was lying on a clear spot of ground, minus my shirt, and everything above my shoulder blades felt tingly, like I’d scrubbed too long in the bath or something.

“Thank you, Lady Eris,” our archpriestess breathed out, and sat back on her ankles, spreading her hands behind her to stay upright as she slumped.

“Indeed!  That was a most impressive performance, Lady Sylphina! Why…”

Him.

Surging up into a sitting position, I twisted, wincing as the skin twinged and turned a wrathful glare upon the knightly jackass.

“KYOUYA YOU ASSHOLE!  WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!” I bellowed.  “YOU TURNED AND RAN TO THEM INSTEAD OF SHIELDING ME!”

His chivalrous facade wavered a bit, then he sniffed disdainfully.  “How dare you sir!  How can you call yourself a gentleman and demand I abandon ladies in need of protection.  Have you no…”

“They didn’t need the help!  I did!”  Pointing at Sylphina, still drooping, I said “she can cast a barrier that will stop a cannonball!”  Then at Megumin, flat on her back and immobile I now saw. That would explain why it smelled like someone firebombed a chemistry lab.  “She’s a dark goddess!”  And finally to Komekko, who was regarding the whole scene curiously while nibbling on a biscuit.  “And as for her , I don’t think she can die, unless it's at midnight in the light of a full moon!  So tell me, Sir Kyouya , who in this situation actually needs a shield between them and the enemy!”

Komekko stopped nibbling, fumbling her treat only to grab for it at the last second before it hit dirt.

“Oh…” she said softly, looking away and fidgeting.  Eris save us all, she even seemed…yes, yes she was in fact blushing. “I had no idea you thought so much of me.  I’m flattered of course, but…”

Meanwhile, Megumin forced herself up on one elbow, golden eyes glowing dangerously at me.

“Sir Kazuma, if you continue hitting upon my little sister with your honeyed words, I shall find it necessary to begin hitting upon you .”

Komekko sniffed, side eyeing her sister.  “It’s a very traditional form of affection, no one who lives in the Village has used it in years . But it was very sweet for an Outsider to know it.” 

HEY!  Don’t swear to Eris!  Swear to ME!

I froze.  “Who said that?” I asked after a moment.

The budding sisterly argument went on, but Sylphina roused, looking at me curiously.  “No one, Sir Kazuma.”

“I’m sure I heard someone say something about swearing to Eris,” I replied distractedly.  Kyouya shook his head as well, looking surprisingly concerned for him.

“Not I.  Perhaps…I fear to suggest it in your state Lady Sylphina, but perhaps you could examine him once more?”

Nodding grimly, she roused herself to do just that.

Oh no you don’t!  You tell that padding worshiping hussy to keep her hands off!  We have a deal and you’re going to keep it!

That came through a lot more clearly, and I raised a hand at Sylphina to wait.  A terrible, terrible suspicion was beginning to form.  Hesitantly, dread beginning to fill my mind, I called out softly.

“Aqua?”

Finally!  Who else would it be?!  Have you made any deals with any other goddesses?  Because if you have I’m voiding them right now!  Understood?  Good!  

An image was beginning to form, in the right upper corner of my vision, of that same goddess on her chair from the waist up.  The background wasn’t the gray void anymore, but more like a blank sky blue wall.   Though it had some sort of swirling foam and wave pattern on the white molding at the top where it met the ceiling and…

“Is that a poster?  The gods like Doritos?” I asked bemusedly, then it hit me.  Everything fits. 

Everything. 

“ARE YOU LIVESTREAMING ME!  I did NOT agree to this!”

“Of course you did, in exchange for Axis exclusive buffs stacking with your stats you agreed to join the Axis church as one of my beloved children!  And part of that is the chance to hear my words!  Isn’t that a great deal?  Where else can you get the chance to talk to a real live goddess like me every single day?  No where, that’s where!  Not in that Eris pretender’s church that’s for sure!  She might talk to her followers once or twice in their whole lives!”  

By now, I was realizing I’d made an awful, awful mistake as she prattled on about the host of ‘exclusives’ I’d just signed myself up for, each worse than the last.  Who in their right mind needed a lifetime supply of edible soap, liquid and bar?     

“Yeah…about that…” I began.

“And no take backs!  You already resurrected, so that means you agreed to the deal!” She changed tack hurriedly.  “Now get to adventuring!  The viewers are starting to show up!”

That’s what I was afraid of.  But…there had to be a way out of this.  The solution is in the environment.  

“Answer one thing for me.  You want to attract people to watch your channel, right?”

“Well duh, why else would I bother with it?” she snapped, biting into a Dorito.

“Which means if I, say, were to lock myself in my room for the next three months you wouldn’t have much of an audience before long.”

Aqua smirked.  “I bet you think that’s clever.  Well let me tell you, mister.  If you break our contract, then you forfeit the benefits!”

“Ok, not seeing a problem here.  I have enough soap as it is, and the buffs are nice but not a ‘must have’.”

“And you also drop dead on the spot!  That resurrection isn’t a freebie you know!  And then you come right back to me, and I put you in time out until you behave!”

“And then what?” 

She stopped eating her chips.  “What do you mean, ‘and then what’?  You don’t live!  You stay in limbo!  Just you and the walls!  It's basically purgatory!”

I shrugged.  “And?  I spent years in a room entertaining myself one way or another long before I came here.  I did it before, I can do it again.  Now you, on the other hand…”  I smiled cheerfully at her.

She leaned back in the frame, like she was trying to get away from me.  “Me what?  You can’t do anything to me, I’m a goddess!”

“A goddess of a church that’s shrinking every year.  Who’s home base is a hellscape wasteland.  How much longer until it's gone, do you guess?  Five years?  Ten?”  I asked softly, intently.  Locking eyes with her while leaning forward, as if into a camera frame, having totally forgotten I had an audience on my end as well.  “How much is a goddess, without her church?”   

Aqua’s face fell, her whole posture collapsing in on itself with a hiccupping sob.  “No!  My…my children won’t give up!  Not on me, not on themselves!  We can come back, you’ll see!”  

Tears glistened in her eyes as she gave her declaration, and it burned like acid in my gut to apply some of Dad’s advice on negotiating, like admitting he had a point or something.  Well, stopped clocks being right twice a day and all, right? 

“Hey, it's not the end of the world.  We can still make this work,” I told the sobbing goddess.

She looked up, wiping her nose. 

I made a sweeping gesture, like I was clearing the air between us.  “This can be a good deal between us.  I just need some…reasonable concessions, that’s all.”   

Aqua straightened up.  Eyes still red and nose drippy, a cute cryer she wasn’t, but she was paying attention. “What do you mean?” she said in a small voice.

“Just a few, very small, quality of life things.” I said soothingly, trying to placate a little now that I’d made my point.  “Like asking before you start a stream to make sure I’m not on the pot or something.  Or some appropriate compensation.  Maybe even some more free continues, so your stream doesn’t end prematurely. I'll even advertise, now and again.  Talk up how your followers helped me with Hans.  I’d only be telling the truth, right?”  

“As if I’d want to show any of that icky mortal stuff.  I’m a pure goddess!”  She huffed. “And of course my followers were helpful, they’re the best!  Fine, have it your way!  You’ll see!  You’ll be begging to sing our praises before long!”  As if her earlier crying jag had never happened, she glared at me and pointed right at my nose during her declaration.

Then she frowned and looked somewhere off camera.

“Dammit Eris, get your ROFLcopters out of my chat!  That’s an order, don’t think I won’t ban you!  No, I'm not inviting him to Monopoly night!  How would that even work?!”

Iris’ turn

The next day, seven of the most powerful people in the kingdom stood around a round, white marble topped, wrought iron table in the private salon adjacent to my chambers.  The light streaming in through the windows pivoted open in their similarly styled frames spilled across the two parchments, only used for the most formal of documents, that Claire lay before us.

She stepped back to her place behind and to the right of my seat, representing House Sinfonia as my second and witness.

Meanwhile, Bennet, Chief consort of the Crimson Demon Clan, stepped forward with the pen and inkwell filled with enchanted ink and placed it in the center of the table before resuming his place similarly behind Kazuma’s seat and beside his wife.

To one side, Lalatina stood witness for her house, or sat as the case may be given her condition, with her husband Alexei while opposite her Sylphina and Archbishop Fabian represented the Eris Church.

After reaching for the pen I made a show of reading the terms over, though they’d been debated and agreed on previously at length even before Hans' demise, before signing each copy.

Kazuma did the same, showing surprisingly good penmanship actually.  It warmed my heart a little. He must have been practicing when I wasn’t looking.

Claire, visibly clenching her teeth but true to her word, signed next.

Then came Lalatina, and the archbishop, joined by Yunyun.

And then the deed was done.

By this time tomorrow the announcement, and copies of the contract’s terms, would be sent out by teleport messenger and post rider.  That done, Kazuma and I would wed in a season.  Almost scandalously fast by royal matrimonial standards, a year’s notice was not uncommon since they were always major social and diplomatic events.  

But in our position there was little reason to wait.

True, the Demon King’s forces were reeling from all reports, not so much as a tickle reported at the frontier.  With his fortress’ defenses at half strength, he seemed to have abandoned any offensive action at all, as we hoped.  The Crimson Demons had even begun launching probing raids via Teleport for the first time in years, seeking to keep the pressure on.

With any luck that happy state would continue for some time.  But I dared not plan on it, and the disruption and distraction the wedding plans would surely cause us were best weathered as soon as possible while the enemy felt their weakest.

For now, we could enjoy a bit of hard earned peace.  And the benefits that came with it.

“Our thanks to all of you, my lords and ladies,” I began.  “We shall endeavor to make this momentous occasion a cause of celebration for all the realm, for many years to come.”

“For myself as well, joining my fortunes to the kingdom’s is a decision I shall never look back on with regret, except at the fact I could not do so sooner,” Kazuma completed the closing statements we’d decided on.  In a rare case in politics, both of them were true.

“And If I might have a few moments with Sir Kazuma, we shall be pleased to join you presently at the reception.”

At that, they filed out after brief goodbyes, veiled threats, and congratulations depending on the personage.  

As the door closed behind Rain, Lalatina, and Claire I mused that the jokes about Belzerg having become a matriarchy under my reign had perhaps more truth than not.  What with the posts of Royal Mage, Royal Guard Commandant, and Prime Minister all held by women.    

The room now being clear, I relaxed in my chair with a nice stretch.  Somewhat worryingly, he didn’t.  “So, now that you have your scandalously private meeting with your fiancée,” I joked, prodding his foot with mine and rather enjoying the slightly dazed look he got at the title.  “What did you want to discuss?”  

An invitation that proved to be a mistake.

“So, in exchange for your return, at certain somewhat random times throughout the day you shall be possessed by the Goddess Aqua?” I said disbelievingly some minutes later, fingers pressed to my temples.  

The cool marble of the table looked so inviting.  Surely it wouldn’t damage my royal dignity that much to lay my head on it, just for a few moments, to ease the pain? 

True, I’d been prepared for many things, sending him off to launch his scheme.  Even losing him outright, though the thought had kept me awake and at my training the night before.  After hearing the first reports of Hans’ destruction and the strange tidings after, I spent the day imagining one strange contingency after another for this moment.

But never this.  There had been days I wondered if he was actually a coward, but clearly not when he did such things.  To a goddess, for Eris’ sake.

“Right now being one of them,” Kazuma agreed.  “But she agreed to knock before opening the door, so to speak.  Something about avoiding ‘icky mortal stuff’.  And some other courtesies I negotiated for.”

If the accounts I solicited later from the horrified and awestruck Sylphina and Sir Kyouya, and somewhat dismissive Komekko and Megumin were to be believed, what he actually meant was blatant blackmail and emotional manipulation.  To Crimson Demons, communicating with a goddess was impressive only if it was one of the ‘interesting’ ones it seemed.

Still, a willingness to engage in skullduggery isn’t necessarily a bad quality in a prince consort, especially one of a realm at war.  Even if it meant I was perhaps wise to have taken extra care with the provisions of the freshly signed betrothal contract.

“Then might I respectfully request that she…disconnect, is that the word?  For a time.”

He nodded, and after a moment said “She did.  She also said the ironwork in the window frames is pretty, by the way.”   

“The smiths will be flattered, I’ll pass that along.”  And I would.  The praise of a goddess of the Arts, even Aqua, was something no craftsman should be denied.  “Now then, when you asked for this meeting something… occurred to me,” I said as I stood and strode around the table.  Letting my fingers trail on the top, I made sure to put a little extra sway in my step to make the slim white gown swish enticingly.  Aunt Tina had been most helpful.

I arrived beside his chair, leaning one hip against it and impishly smiling down at him.  

“Ah…and…that would be?” he stammered, blushing adorably as he traced his eyes up and down.  

“That during your tour of the palace I made a frightful oversight that has never been corrected.  I neglected to show you my chambers.  How lax of me.  I do hope you’ll allow me to rectify this?”

End of Act 1

Chapter Text

Lolisa’s Turn

“I still think you’ll be better served using your natural look than going for the sex on legs approach,” ‘Beth’ my superior at our shop and now fashion advisor recommended. 

“Maybe,” I conceded, eyeing myself critically in the mirror, checking to see if my curves looked right from every angle.  “It's our go to form for a reason though, and as far as we know he’s a typical 18 year old boy.  He can’t be that different from the young adventurers here.”

“If you were planning to do a dream service, certainly.  But remember your goal.  Approaching him in the real world and trying to earn his trust in that form might only scare him off. Especially at his age.  We of all people have to know that what men want in their fantasies isn’t always the same as in reality.”

Humming agreement, I canceled the changes to my form and felt the extra height and ‘padding’ fade away as I returned to my natural petite look.  “Just as well I guess, I was NOT looking forward to relearning how to walk with that much difference in height and center of gravity,” I admitted glumly. I’d tried the ‘classic succubus’ look on for size before, all of us had at least once, and it had been a nightmare.  After dropping more cups and plates than I could count, knocking perfectly reachable things off shelves, and even in bare feet walking around feeling like I was on stilts and afraid I’d tip over any moment, I’d finally given it up after a week.  The less said about what it had done to my flying the better.

“You likely wouldn’t have had time to either,” my mentor succubus Beth cautioned. “I understand this is a rush project, I wouldn’t count on having any time to spare at all.”

I turned to her, finding a more ‘classic’ looking succubus than I’d been even with the enhancements I’d tried. Our forms only stretched so far after all.  “I hadn’t heard that.”

“No one said it in so many words, but I got the impression that the Court wants you on your way at the earliest practical moment.  With Wolbach and now Hans gone…” she trailed off, not able to finish the terrible thought.

“In that case, best go with my town look since I’m used to it the most outside this one.” With that, I made the changes, familiar from long practice.  With just a bit of extra height, a little additional padding around the bust, butt, and hips, and my face mostly the same except for the eye color, I went from an annoyingly young looking build to something that could pass for a girl in her late teens, if a bit on the shorter and slighter side of average.  Small favors, it wasn’t nearly as much extra energy to maintain either, since the changes were minor.  

“That should work,” Beth agreed. “Cute, friendly, and approachable.  Here, I’ve got something that shouldn’t stand out too much based on what Seresdina reported.” She handed me a cream-colored sleeveless blouse to go with the wraparound dark green skirt I’d already picked out.  In my first form it would’ve been almost a miniskirt, but for this one fell just above the knee.

“Right, wings,” I reminded myself after tucking my tail in under the skirt and buttoning everything up.  A quick illusion removed them from sight leaving my usual short hair behind.

“Keeping your hair color the same?  That off white doesn’t seem to be common over there.” Beth asked, handing me a pair of new low heeled black leather shoes, matching the outfit while not being too difficult to run in if needed.

“It might get his attention, it shouldn’t hurt anything to look a little exotic.  If only we knew more about him, I feel like we’re just guessing here.  So, anything I’ve forgotten?   Or forever hold your peace!” I gave a quick twirl for inspection before I locked the new form in place.  Losing hold on your form was not only super embarrassing for both parties, it was totally unprofessional.

“You’re not wrong about that, either one.  No, I think you’re as ready as you can be.”  She stood, and drew me into a quick hug.  “Good luck, on the other side and in the Castle.  I know they picked you for having the most friendly connections in the human world.  But our clients are going to hate losing one of our best, and so will I.”

“Maybe, but I still can’t believe they picked me over someone like you or Zel,” I admitted.  “I can’t have been anyone's first choice.”

“You weren’t,” Beth replied evenly. No surprise or not, it hurt to have it confirmed that baldly…

“Nobody picked you as their top choice for the mission,” she continued. “But you were near the top on almost everyone’s list.  And with as little as we know about this man we need someone who is very good at appealing to a wide range of tastes, not one who is excellent with a single group.  You specialize as a generalist.” 

Huh.  That was an odd kind of compliment, but I’d take it.  “Well, in that case maybe Carla will finally have a chance to catch up and start pulling her weight.” I suggested with a cheeky grin.

“I’ll believe it when I see it.  Be off with you.”

I met the mage teleporting me to the Royal Castle just outside of town, a human this time, not that that was terribly unusual.  I’d only been to the Demon King’s stronghold once myself, when I first came to the human world almost twenty years ago before journeying to Axel.  But other succubi had mentioned it never seemed to be the same wizard twice of whatever race, and never less than one other wizard with them.  Maybe they were making sure as many as possible had a marker here?

Not my problem either way.   He greeted me with a small nod and immediately began chanting the Teleport spell, whisking myself and two others away.

----------------------------------------------------

Beth’s instincts turned out to be right on the money, I was due to leave the very next morning once the ritual was fully powered up.

After a sleepless night in a guest room that was bigger than most of the shop back in Axel, and had furnishings worth more than all of us put together, I stepped into the ritual circle in the castle archery practice yard after the orc castellan came to fetch me.  

It was…incredible.

Not just because both His Majesty and Her Highness were both present to supply the veil transfer.  Though for a low ranking demon like a succubus that alone would be a once in a lifetime event, even one of our lifetimes.

But the sheer power that saturated the air around the glyphs, making the hair on the back of my neck stand at attention like the instant before a lightning bolt struck.  And I wasn’t even all that close to the royals given the size of the array.  What it must be like to be standing beside either one of them I can’t even begin to describe.

Greetings not really being possible, I curtseyed from my place in the center to both of them, and waited.

I stood for what seemed like an hour with my nerves getting scraped rawer by the minute standing in the middle of so much concentrated mystic force.  Then, without warning, the glowing brightened to a searing white and I was gone.

When I opened my eyes again, it was at least late afternoon, maybe early evening, and I was standing in a deserted lot with grass tickling around my ankles.

Well, so far so good.

I’d been told I’d be dropped in near where the, client I suppose, should be and as I stepped over some broken glass bottles and onto the amazingly smooth (stone?) sidewalk near the street.  I saw a gaggle of children about my own apparent age coming closer.  They were exiting through a gate further down the street and dressed in black jackets and pants or a similar color skirt and vest depending.  Chatting and sometimes laughing, like I’d seen the adventurers of Axel do hundreds of times over the years.  It seemed like Jiro hadn’t arrived home yet, so no convenient name tag on the door telling me I’d found him.

And here I hit my first snag.

I’d gotten a description of Jiro Sato and a sketch of Kazuma’s face for comparison’s sake, so I had an idea of his likeness.  Apparently he also wore eyeglasses, which were very rare in Belzerg, so finding him seemed perfectly simple.

Here on the other hand, it seemed like every fourth boy in the whole group matched a description of ‘black hair and eyes, wears glasses, about 165cm tall’.

Maybe not that bad, but way too many to just randomly go up and ask them their names without looking bizarre.

I really wasn’t supposed to talk to any other natives if I could help it to avoid attention, but so be it.  I walked up to a group of girls with my best friendly smile and asked if they’d seen Jiro Sato.

“Who?  Is he even in our class?  What year is he?  Do you know what room he’s in? ”

What kind of school was so big you don’t even know each other?!

“He’s about to graduate,” I replied, hoping for the best.

“Oh we don’t know many third years, we’re all in second.  You should try them,” the leader of the group pointed out another cluster further behind them. “Good luck with your date!” she cheered after I thanked them, and I smiled and waved back.

The second snag was that even among the right year, the students were split among eight different rooms.  What kind of school even had that many rooms at all?!  How many hundreds of children were even in there?

Over two hundred in his year alone, I found out over the next half hour, my feet getting steadily more chafed against the brand new, not at all broken in shoes Beth had foolishly given me and I’d idiotically accepted.  I don’t even wear shoes outside of walking to Erisday market or a quick errand. We fly to all our clients, like civilized beings.

Finally, I found somebody who admitted to knowing the right Jiro Sato, it seemed there were two, and thank all the Denizens he was walking by himself after splitting off from another boy he’d been with when I’d first spotted him.

Right, showtime.

Forgetting the blister I’m pretty sure just popped on my left heel, ignoring the raw spot on the ball of that same foot, and treating with complete disdain the pinching somehow between my big and middle toes from walking up and down this street canvassing students, I approached my new client with the brightest smile I could muster.

“Hi!  Jiro Sato?  I’m Lolisa, I…”

For the first time ever, the blood drained from a man’s face on catching sight of me, and he looked like I’d brandished a sword at him.

“I don’t know anything about what Kazuma did.  He hasn’t been here in months.  Whoever sent you, tell them we have nothing to do with it,” he rapid fire answered while backing away from me.

“Um, I’m not sure what you mean, I’m here to talk to you…” I replied hesitantly, taking another step closer.

“Save it.  I don’t know what he’s gotten himself into, and I don’t want to know. His mess, he can clean it up.” With that he backed away further, keeping a wary eye on me.

“Wait!” I cried, and started after him, only for Jiro to break into a sprint up the street.  A pretty good sprint too, unfortunately for me.

“Damnation!” I snarled, watching him for a moment then running into an alley, all thoughts of terrible footwear forgotten.

Succubi have hunted men for centuries, even if the game is a lot friendlier now than it used to be.   I’d stand thrice shamed before my sisters if I let one get away now.  Deciding I was discreet enough, I leaped to the roof of the two story building with a quick flutter of wings, and started skimming the rooftops the same direction Jiro had gone.  

He was quick for a human, especially a Level 1.  But he couldn’t move like I could going rooftop to rooftop, and he made a ripple in the crowd as he passed at a run.  Even low level demons like me don’t see with just our eyes.  The, call it the color of his soul even if that’s like trying to explain music to a deaf person, let me stay on him.  Even after Jiro turned a corner and slowed to a walk, taking off his black jacket while trying to blend into the crowd.   After another half block, he quickly looked around before entering a busy looking cafe.

I fluttered to a building crosswise from it where I could see where the alley between it and another building let out, but he didn’t try to pass through.  Assuming he must still be inside, I leapt to the ground with a final pulse of wings and recast the illusion.  Then I straightened my clothes and pushed through the glass door, spotting Jiro in the back corner where he could see the front door and be near the door to the back.  Smart kid.

I slid into the bench across from him and leaned across the table, grabbing his wrist in the same motion to keep him from bolting again.

“Listen.  I’m not here to hurt you, or Kazuma.  I’m here to seek your help.  All I ask is that you listen to me, and then if you want to leave then you’re free to go.  Please.”

I almost thought we’d have another foot race, and I had no idea what I’d have had to do then. The realm, and I, was deep into ‘failure is not an option’ territory.  But he gave a reluctant nod.

I released his wrist, folding my hands in my lap.  The server must have been watching for someone to show up, he came over and asked if I wanted anything almost immediately, so I just asked for water. No clue what sort of food they had here, and I couldn’t exactly read the menu.

“Right,” he sighed.  “Let's start with how you even found me and got through the door without my noticing.  And believe me I was watching it.”

“Easy, magic.”  I replied. That much should’ve been obvious.

“I saw Kazuma and Iris pull some crazy ritual thing when they left, so I’m not saying that’s impossible or anything.  But there were glowing lines, and strange writing, and all kinds of stuff going on and I didn’t see any of that either.”

“There’s more to magic than just the big flashy stuff, no matter what certain so-called wizards might tell you.  All I had to do was cast a spell that makes me, not invisible, just look unimportant.  It won’t work on a recording or anything, and with training you can break past it.  But for a casual walk around town without getting attention it’s perfect.  Some of my sisters use it to avoid being hit on,” I giggled.  

“But I think what you really wanted to know is what I actually am,” I continued, “You’ve got good eyes.  You keep looking at my hair like you’re sure something else is there, and you’re right.  I don’t want to drop my illusion here in the open, but…”  I got up and walked around to his side of the booth, sliding in and bumping him over with one hip as I did.

“Here,” I leaned forward and reached across the table to grab my water, and as I did my skirt rustled.  As I sat back, my tail slipped out the back where it wrapped around and overlapped, working its way free before draping itself across his knees where the table and my body hid it from the rest of the cafe.

Spade, or maybe heart shaped, on the end.  Black and about as thick as my thumb at the narrowest point before it flared back out, and gradually getting thicker as it got closer to my waist. 

“You can touch it if you want to, as much as you like.  Just…be gentle with me?” I asked in a soft voice, looking up at him through my eyelashes shyly while leaning close, pressing against his arm.

Jiro jumped in his seat like I’d zapped him with static, and I leaned away giggling.  “Sorry, I couldn’t resist teasing you.  You can touch it if you want, but please be careful.  It's part of my spine after all.”

Grumbling, he took me up on that.  Most people expected it to be scaly, or maybe just plain skin, but it really had more of a velvety texture than anything from being covered in really short, fine hairs.

“So, where were we?” he prompted after a moment, visibly pulling himself away but leaving my tail draped across his knees. 

“Your brother is about to be guilty of a massacre,” I answered plainly, “And I’m praying you can stop him.”

Jiro’s turn

Kazuma was always the smart one between the two of us, when he could be bothered to try.  And he’d always had a bit of a canny, paranoid streak, not to mention the luck of a devil. Once I learned about probability in school, I did a quick check to see what the odds were he’d win all the games of rock paper scissors or whatever we’d played as kids.  Just going by the ones I could remember off the top of my head at the time, the chances were over 1000:1 against.  It was hard to think he’d get taken in by a line of bullshit and be drafted into..that.

But.  

I’d met the woman he was with, Iris.  She’d looked tough as nails, but she’d been a total snack too.  And if there was one weakness Kazuma had always had, it was pretty girls who acted into him.  It wouldn’t be the first time a girl had blindsided him either.  If she pitched it the right way, made it sound like he’d be fighting the good fight and saving the land like something out of an RPG, then maybe…

“Ok, fine.  Lay it on me.  What’s Kazuma got himself into, and why am I getting called in to clean it up?”

The ‘girl’ beside me firmed her expression, straightening up from where she’d been resting her chin on one hand while half turned towards me, and did.

“As I said, among outsiders I’m called Lolisa, and I hail from the same world that Kazuma went to, though I’m on the other side,” she began in a soft, but clear voice just over the background noise of the cafe.

They call us the Demon King’s Army, and I suppose that’s as good a name as any.  There’s more than demons among us though.  Humans, animal folk, all sorts of people have called his domain home ever since we arrived from our exile.  

You see, they call us invaders too, and they’re maybe not wrong about that either.  We lost a war on another continent in our world, and had to run with whatever we could get out with before the hammer fell.   About two centuries ago, we made landfall on the north coast of the continent ruled by Belzerg, Lugunica, Yurgenshcmidt, Brydle, and at the time Elroad.  The land there was mostly uninhabited, probably because nobody wanted it badly enough to bother taking it from the monsters that called it home, but it was better than life at sea so we took our chances.

At first, we lived in places nobody wanted, and so nobody cared.  But as the years went by and we scraped out a place for ourselves, we started expanding further south, getting closer and closer to lands that they did care about.  Sooner or later, something had to give, and when a border conflict escalated because neither side could afford to back down, it came to war.  

This was all before my time in that world,  but in the aftermath of the first battles we built a mighty fortress. Guarded by seven barriers astride the best invasion route into our lands, we made it our castle and capital.  The barriers were powered by his generals, the finest wizards, warriors, and clerics we had to offer.  Ever since then, we’ve improved and expanded it, and it's stood guard against invasion, until now.

Your brother has in the space of under a year killed or removed three of our generals, more than we’ve lost in the two decades before.  Worse, he and Queen Iris of Belzerg are already building an army.  If the last of the barriers fall, the route will be open, and the years of on and off war have hollowed us out.  ‘Purge the Demons, destroy the Demon King’ has been the kingdom’s rallying cry for generations, and if that army breaks past our frontier fortresses there will be absolutely nothing stopping it from pushing any of us that survive right back into the sea.

I can’t, won't, let that happen to my people again.  You know your brother inside and out, and more importantly you’re probably the only person outside Belzerg that he trusts, that might even have a hope of making him listen before it's too late.  Knowing that, the Demon King himself gave me his leave to offer whatever I must to convince you.  

Money?  We’re far from poor even now.  Power?  You would have a place at court and the ear of the King himself.  Women?  Races from across our continent and others call our land home, and a hero who saved us in our darkest hour would have no shortage of admirers.  

Most importantly, you love your brother, and I know you don’t want him to be party to an atrocity.  Just as we don’t want to go back to being shattered, homeless vagabonds after so long with a land of our own. 

So help us, and help your brother.  

Please.

Lolisa’s turn

The searing light of the veil return faded away, and I opened my eyes.

“Oh.  Oh wow.”

Beside me, Jiro’s head did its best to turn in a complete circle as he took in his first look at our world.  Dangling from his shoulder was a canvas bag he’d packed, lightly I’d insisted since there were limits to how much I could bring across.

“Welcome to the Demon King’s castle, Jiro Sato.  We’re honored and delighted you agreed to assist us,” the same castellan that fetched me what was probably days ago now here greeted us once the various sigils’ power faded and fizzled away.  “And well done to you, Lolisa.  I’m afraid we weren’t entirely sure when you would return, so I can only apologize for the lack of a reception.  I shall inform the kitchens, in the meantime if you’d show our guest to his rooms?” 

“Honored to serve, ma’am,” I agreed, and turned to Jiro, who was trying and failing not to stare at the castellan.  “We’ll get you unpacked and I’ll tell you a bit more about things here.  Come on,” I said brightly.

‘Never send a priestess to do a succubus' job,’ I thought, grinning to myself, taking one of his hands and leading him out of the circle.

AN:

For the curious, Lolisa is the succubus that tried to fulfil Kazuma's request and nearly got Aqua'd for her trouble.  She's a frequent side character in Dust's series of spinoff novels.

Chapter Text

Iris’ turn

Many times during my preparation for engagement with Prince Revi, and of course more recently with Kazuma, I was told that all couples fight occasionally, and it was usually nothing to worry about.  Leaving aside the advice Aunt Lalatina gave, I honestly believed we were both adults and could work out our problems without it turning into a shouting match. 

Not…necessarily so.  

It started at a proper hour, with the sun over half clear of the horizon.  

I had surprised him by dropping by his chambers for breakfast.  After one of the servants let me into the parlor he emerged, bleary eyed and shuffling, though in his fresh clothes.

“Gmrnin,” he mumbled a greeting, along with a frown as he rubbed sleep from his eyes. 

“Good morning, dear.  I missed you at table lately and came to share breakfast. Perhaps privately?”  I suggested, inclining my head at his bedroom door. Time together had been hard to come by, and I hated to waste the daylight.

He perked up slightly at that, and followed me into his bedroom.  Once the maid had placed a tray on the small table on one wall and closed the door behind us, I smiled brightly and served myself a cheese pastry.

“I do hope we can come to an agreement with Brydle today,” I began, as my fiancé did the same.  I kept up a stream of small talk as we ate, trying to draw him out, though all I got in return was the occasional word or even singular syllables.

Finally, I paused in cutting off a piece of tart and regarded him flatly.  “I am accustomed to a bit more give and take in our conversations.  What could possibly be the matter?”

“Iris, I…am barely conscious this early,” he groaned.  “I just got to bed maybe three hours ago.  Can we just not?”

My lips pursed in irritation, eyes narrowing, I snapped, “What under heaven is important enough to keep you up that late?!”  

“It's the only time I don’t have people pestering me and I can get the work from you and her prissiness done!”

“Do that during working hours!  That’s what they’re for!”  Not that a fair amount of our duties didn’t fall outside those times, but honestly!  

“Well, I might be fake royalty, but are you the queen of Belzerg or not?!  Working hours can be whenever you say they are!”

I felt the blood rush to my face at the sheer gall as I stood.  I dropped my utensils and snapped back, “Indeed I am and I dare you to suggest otherwise!  And how dare you further suggest our betrothal is a lie!”    

The escalating verbal battle that followed might have forced me to clap him in irons for lése majesté had the room not been soundproofed for happier reasons. 

At any rate, after I stormed out and the simmering anger of the afternoon and evening gave way to a frozen night apart, a sick, empty void took its place.  That being right, and I had been, was a victory I wanted no part of if it meant feeling like this.

Combined with the nagging, unbanishable fear that this might be the first step of a downward spiral to a marriage of duty and grim endurance, it had been a long, restless night.  

The next two days brought meetings that had none of the discussion and sharing of ideas I had come to cherish, and private times of brief, tense contact and as little of that as possible.  

Finally Claire, of all people, had intervened.

I arrived at my prime minister’s office as I had many times for an after hours invitation with more than a little worry.  Claire could have a tongue like a razor, after all, and sadly she and Kazuma were the stereotypical groom and mother-in-law.   No matter how advantageous it would be for them to mesh better.

I found Kazuma waiting outside, his countenance as strained as my own.  He met my gaze with a wan, fleeting little smile, but before either of us could say anything further Lady Claire opened the doors herself and ushered us inside, directing us to the conversation nook and taking the seat across from us.

“Your majesty, your highness.  My thanks for joining me.  Ordinarily, I might offer some spirits to unwind, but I hope you both agree tonight’s topic requires clear heads.”

I nodded, beside me Kazuma did the same a bit more warily.  Or at least more openly warily.  I wasn’t entirely sure where she was going myself.

“Excellent.  Then if I might be so bold as to ask,  what under Eris’ loving gaze were you thinking?”

I couldn’t help a flinch as Lady Claire didn’t so much cut to the heart of the matter as take a battleaxe to it.  And while she might have directed her question at Kazuma, I didn’t miss the glance she gave me as she said it.  In the game of subtleties she as much as anyone had taught me as a girl, that was as good as a pointed finger under my nose.

“You may not be aware, your highness, but there is no true privacy in this place.” she continued, still in the guise of educating Kazuma while tactfully reminding me of things I should have learned long since.  “Even if the exact content of your disagreement remains undisclosed, anyone with eyes can see that the pair of you went into his highness’ chambers content in each other, and not only left in a high dudgeon but have barely spoken to each other since.  Word travels quickly, and bad news swifter still.  It will be no surprise at all if some of the Usual Suspects start making discreet inquiries, and perhaps positioning themselves to take advantage if this continues.  Passing over for the moment what disagreement escalated to such a state I must ask:  Was it worth this?” 

“No.  No it wasn’t,” Lady Claire had asked Kazuma, but I answered instead. “Not the past days being angry and hurt, never mind the mess we might have to clean up later.”

Kazuma nodded agreement.  “No,” he said quietly.  “Not even close.”

“Sanity emerges.  Then the next obvious question is what brought this on at all.  Until now I’ve never seen a hint of such discord lurking between you.”

“Very well,” I turned to look at Kazuma and took a breath to center myself.  “What I cannot abide even now is your claim that our betrothal was meaningless.  You are no more a fake member of the royal family than I am, or at least shall be soon.”    

‘Unfortunately,’ Claire muttered, though the hearing gifted me by my lineage meant I caught it anyway.  I sent her a warning look, and she hastily said in a normal tone “Indeed so.  Even in better days a marriage to a royal or ducal line was a high honor, granted only to the most powerful and capable warriors and wizards the kingdom had to offer.  It would be the height of folly to misuse such people afterwards by reducing them to mere ciphers in their new Houses.  Now more than ever the royal family has need of every able hand.”

Kazuma frowned in thought.  “You’ve both said that before, but you of all people know how much luck was involved, and how much I don’t know about how to do this!”

“Then learn,” I rejoined. “If a literal wild man can learn to function in the role, you have no excuse.  And if you examine your adventurer’s card, you’ll find Luck is a skill like any other.”  I sighed, and gave a small bow of the head.  “All that said, it was my fault to not ask you to clarify before taking offense.  And I should have realized how overwhelming this must be for you.”

Claire winced at the reminder of her ‘unpolished’ recent ancestor.  “Duke Hektor would not have been my choice of example.  However, the point remains.  Do not think you can escape your duties so easily.”  She cleared her throat, regarding us both. “I think perhaps that is all that needs to be said.  There was some less pressing business however…”

Sometime later, we bade our hostess goodnight.  As we passed out the doors, Kazuma made so bold as to thank her for her help earlier, to which she replied:

“You know perfectly well I did not do so for your sake, your highness.  Furthermore, never think I shall clean up all your messes.  The next time I have to bail you out of some damned fool thing it shall cost you. ”

I chose to believe that was perhaps an improvement of sorts, since she hadn’t refused outright.

At any rate as we made our way down the hall, I turned to my fiancé as he did the same to me. “Well, if as she says I’m a condemned man, at least I’m lucky enough to have the finest jailor in the land.  That’s worth waking up for,” he said with a chuckle.  A pale imitation of his usual irreverence, but definitely a move in the right direction.

I returned an unimpressed look at his so-called humor, but couldn’t help a little smile anyway.  “I’ll hold you to that.  Especially if you give the chamberlain a faint by going to the kitchen for a sandwich yourself in the deep of the night.  Again.  And earn your poor attendant another tongue lashing for failing her duties,” I reminded him. 

“I told you I didn’t want to use the servant's bell after…”  

I gave him a pointed look.  

“Fine, fine.  I’ll remember to use the bell.  Even if it's just to make someone walk all the way to the kitchens and back because I got hungry,” he grudgingly agreed.  “And I  won’t promise to be up with the sun every day, but if I can get a decent amount of time without people insisting on meeting me, then I’ll manage something.”

“Easier said than done, I’m afraid.  But perhaps that can be arranged.”  If nothing else his chief attendant should be managing his schedule better than that, but if he wasn’t that could be remedied very quickly.  

“‘ppreciate it,” he said, stifling a yawn.  It had grown late, and the morrow would come whether we liked it or not.  He gave me a questioning look as we reached the top of the stairs to the royal quarters.

“Not tonight,” I said with a shake of the head. “I think we’d both like to recover with a decent night.”

He nodded, conceding the point with another somewhat bigger yawn. “See you at breakfast then.  Privately?” he suggested.

I arched an eyebrow and glided away.  

Let him wonder.  He’d find me there soon enough.

Kazuma’s turn

One of the first things I learned about being Iris’ plus one is that she doesn’t sleep with a dagger under her pillow.

But only because she keeps her sword propped next to the bed.  Which I admit did spice up our first few nights together.   But it also says a hell of a lot about the kind of place Belzerg is, when even the queen always keeps a weapon in easy reach.

One of the other things I quickly learned is that you don’t really move in with royalty.  I had my own chambers, which was really more like a suite with a parlor bigger than my family’s apartment back in Japan.  While we visited back and forth frequently, it was expected in the high nobility that a couple each needed their own space and set of personal servants.  Which given the nature of most political matches was probably smart.

Either way, it meant neither of us subjected the other to morning breath and bedhead on the regular. And while Iris made ‘just woke up’ look fantastic, I needed a little help in the mornings.  Or a lot of help.

Today, like I had for the last week, I awoke in my chambers well before noon.  Yes, I know.  No, I’m not being drugged.  Probably.

Unless Alfred’s tea counted.  I’m not sure where it’s grown, and I’ve never had the heart to ask what horrifyingly dangerous process is needed to harvest the stuff.  But it almost, almost, made facing the accursed Daystar worth it.

I rose and pulled on a robe over my pajamas, the nicest I’d ever worn and a present from Iris, I had only barely gotten used to owning.  Per our arrangement, my new chief attendant had left a large mug beside a stack of papers on the table in the parlor. 

“And ‘ere we have the Japanese HikkiNEET in ‘is na’ive habitat.  This one is a bit on the small side, but just look at tha’ amazin’ coloration!  ‘at tanned skin, ‘at means ‘e’s a rare ‘un!” a disgustingly poor rendition of an Australian accent assaulted me as I took my first sip.  I knew she was doing it on purpose, I’d heard her mimic the speech of everyone from a craftsman here doing detailed repairs on the palace to Claire and Rain’s perfect noble-ese like she was replaying a recording.

In the corner of my vision a window appeared, showing the blue haired goddess-in-name-only I’d expected.

“Dammit Aqua, some of these are actual state secrets!” I snapped, flipping over a page.  “I’m going to be really pissed if you’re showing these on your stream, right up until I get hung!”  

I halted, but it was of course too late.  Aqua snerked, giving me a skeptical look.

“I thought you were a pure goddess,” I grumbled, flushing. “And I haven’t had any complaints, I'll have you know.”

“She wouldn’t.  And besides, Iris can’t hang you!  Even at your level your neck is too strong to break from just a short drop!”

Exactly the image I needed first thing in the morning.  

“But no, I won't stream boring paperwork stuff,” she assured me.

Or the fight, which I’d been a little surprised to learn when I asked fearfully after Iris left.  Back home a reality show producer would’ve jumped on that in a hot second.  But Aqua had only said her channel was about having fun, and there was nothing fun about people hurting.

“So you’re bored, and came to bother me,” I said instead.

“Grace you with my divine presence you mean!  See, the stain on your napkin just…”

“So help me, if you purify my tea I'm switching to Eris!” I snapped, hastily setting it down and pushing it across the table.  “And who would even be watching me at this point anyway?  It's not like I’ve done much of anything exciting since we signed the papers.”  

“Oh you’d be surprised!  Eris joins in on every stream, for one.  If we were able to get crushes, I’d be sure she has one!  And good luck changing over,  I warned her off poaching you already!   But she really liked you snookering Seresdina!”

That was flattering I guess, but… “Wait, that was way before I met you.  Before I even came here…You uploaded my memories too?!”  I squeaked.  I mean, shouted manfully.

“Just the fun ones!  Which, well there weren’t that many before you came here anyway,” she agreed sadly.  But then she perked back up, none of her moods ever lasting long “Anyway!  You’re also popular with my top followers!  Especially the ones still in Old Arcanretia on the cleanup, they really enjoyed you sticking it to that nasty Hans!  And with my soap ingredients even!  Even better, with him dead some of the pollution has stopped regenerating!  We should totally go visit them and give thanks for their hard work!”

At some point in her monologue I realized I’d dropped my head onto the table, fortunately well away from my still mostly full tea mug.  I had a so-called goddess with the impulse control of a toddler ransacking my mind for content.  This was my life now. 

At least the food was good.

As if by magic, which for all I knew it actually was, a man entered with a knock as I had the thought, carrying a covered tray.

“Good morning, Your Highness,” he paused, seeing my state.  “Ah, is everything quite alright?  I shall summon the healer if…”

“No, no.  I’m just…how would you say it?  Contemplating the vagaries of life.  What do you have today, Alfred?”  I replied, straightening.

Seeming to take me at my word, he came the rest of the way over.  “Today we have griffin cheese and a selection from the castle bakery with butter and apple jam.  Please enjoy,” he placed the tray on the table and whisked the cover off, steam still rising from the bread, before bowing and leaving the room.

I called him Alfred, but here that was actually a title here rather than a name.  Behind him came a pair of maids to straighten up the bedroom while I ate, a suspicious part of me noting that I’d yet to see one under about forty.  Which I’m sure was a coincidence.

For his part, the Alfred was actually a grayed older man named Wilhelm and was not what you’d call a conventional butler.  For one thing, even someone as unused to violence as I was two months ago would’ve probably noticed that the scars that peeked past the black and silver uniform covering  him from neck to ankles didn’t come from a butterknife accident.  And I’d have given pretty good odds there were plenty more underneath.

That said, he was a consummate professional and not prone to small talk while I was still trying to wake up, so I didn’t ask too many questions about what his old job was when he replaced the previous one.  

The final surprising part of my new life was that it turned out royalty, even fake royalty, had basically zero free time even with someone screening the social visits. 

I stopped myself there with a wince.  I was reasonably sure that reading thoughts wasn’t a skill here, but not totally willing to risk it.  And after our talk I wasn’t sure how strongly I still felt like that anyway. 

I still called it blind, stupid luck that dragged me out of a guaranteed customer service hell for the next fortyish years until either heart disease, stroke, or depression won the race to take me down.  Instead, I had a job and life I could be proud of, even if I still sometimes woke up at night wondering how the other-me Iris remembered stood the pressure.  If anyone could know it was Iris herself, something to ask, maybe.

Still, for now I’d make the best of what I’d gotten, deserved or not, and took up the first of the day’s notes.  

There was always something that just had to have someone allegedly important sign off on it, and today’s messages mostly had to do with the railroad project.  Apparently, because Claire decided that since I’d been riding railroads all my life, I must know how to build them.

Before we were even engaged, Iris had ordered several kilometers of rail line installed between the docks of some river port and the high road leading further inland as a field trial.  Overall, the results were good.  Even using horses for power they could pull a heavier load than even a good paved road would allow.  Not that Belzerg had a lot of good paved roads to start with, and the comparison with rutted dirt wasn’t even close.  So costs seemed to be significantly lower, not as much as moving cargo via waterway but still much better than a usual land route.  

The biggest problem seemed to be keeping the iron caps attached to the wooden rails.  While at the jogging speed horse drawn carts were moving having a cap come loose was inconvenient but usually not a big problem, at the speed of a running lizard drawn wagon it could be a disaster.  The project manager, the one who wasn’t me and actually knew what he was doing, thought it was solvable more or less, but a redesign of the caps would take time and use more metal so he referred it to my judgment.  

Knowing I might be riding one of those rails if Iris got her way with her planned offensive, I countersigned his recommendation without a second thought and added a note that should he think of any further safety improvements he should share them immediately.

On the plus side, the extra cost might be balanced out by the feelers several of the larger merchant houses were sending our way about perhaps investing in expansions to the project.  

The crown budget wasn’t all that big when you came down to it.   Iris essentially ran the kingdom out of her personal funds, or at least the crown owned lands and standing army.  Most of Belzerg’s nobles handled their own upkeep with only limited assistance from or oversight by the crown.  If she could sweet talk and/or arm twist them into financing some of the military lines we’d need in exchange for preference in operating any commercial ones, that might be a bargain worth taking, I decided as I penned in my recommendation in the margin.  Those decisions sounded suspiciously like Claire’s problem, but for the right price I was sure something could be arranged and I gleefully added that one to the pile meant for her.  

I pushed away the thought that this morning might be perilously close to the office job that ate my dad’s soul.  At least these reports actually mattered more than a tiny change in stock price or who got a promotion this year instead of next.  That had to count for something.

Jiro’s turn

I dropped my bag on the floor by the western style bed of the room Lolisa led me to, a two room connected suite in one of the towers surrounding the main courtyard.

“Nice,” I said to my native guide, who had entered behind me and closed the door.

“We do try to put our best foot forward,” Lolisa agreed. “I’ll be right next door if you need anything, don’t hesitate to ask!” she chirped, crossing to the connecting door and entering what I took to be her side, leaving it slightly ajar behind her.

I flopped down on the bed, very springy but different from even a foam mattress, contemplating the ceiling beams I’d half expected to be carved with screaming skulls, but instead had a tasteful geometric design.

I’d been running on a low key freakout since before the time I stepped onto the magic circle taking me here, since I’d agreed to go on the same wild ride Kazuma had by the look of things.

And he was the fantasy gamer nerd in the family, our parents never read anything that wasn’t work, or watched anything that wasn’t some family sitcom.  And the closest I ever got was probably one of the big shonen titles, just so I had something to talk about if anime came up in conversation. 

Most of the time I was too busy out with classmates, in cram school, or studying to worry much about other entertainment.  The last two being the best way to keep my parents off my back, so they left me alone about the first.

The hell of it was, I couldn’t even disagree that he was being a shitty son. Living like a parasite, refusing anything like responsibility even at home?  I got why they were sick of it after four years.  I was half surprised they didn’t boot him out sooner, law be damned.  But to just deliberately forget he ever existed the minute he was out the door?  That was too far.

The sad truth?  I’d had to fight them to even get a missing person report filed on Kazuma after he left.  Only when I pointed out it was going to look damned weird in a small town if we didn’t and hadn’t heard from him in a while did dad finally go down to the station.

After that, I was done.  I’d played ball with them for years, even cramming to get into the same expensive prep school an hour away by train that Kazuma flunked out of by refusing to go.  Not with as good a score as him, but good enough.  

And wouldn’t you know it, when I got in the only one to actually congratulate me and not just huff about not blackening the family honor again was him.

Funny story, I got my college acceptance letter a few days ago, so I was going to be off to Saitama and home free in a few months.  Plenty of time to track down my idiot brother, especially since Lolisa claimed the time difference was something like four to one, so even a month here would only cost me about a week back home.  I wouldn’t even miss the graduation ceremony.

“Jiro?” Lolisa asked from the other room. “The tailor is here to measure you.”

I stifled a yawn, it wasn’t that late by my usual standards but the day had been a little more stressful too.   Not to mention how wound up I was just from what happened so far, a weird mix of tired and wired I remembered from the night before an exam.  Not to mention life would never be so convenient as having Japanese and wherever this was local time match up.  It might be late evening for me, but it had to be near dawn judging by the glow on the horizon and I wasn’t looking forward to my very first case of jet lag.  Teleport lag.   Whatever you called it, tomorrow was going to suck. 

“Sure, send them over.” 

“No need, I’ll get it,” my guide said brightly, reentering my room after having slipped into a backless dark pink dress that ended above her knees and clasped at the back of her neck.

Revealing, in addition to her tail, a set of smallish black and pink wings at around her mid back, and another smaller pink pair about the size of my hands, one on either side of her head poking out of her hair just where I’d kept feeling like something should be in her disguise. The hair was still the same color, but her eyes were now a reddish brown.  

“Much better!” she chirped, giving both pairs of wings a flutter as she walked and actually lifting her bare feet off the ground briefly. “After keeping them down like that I needed a good stretch.”  

How even both sets together were lifting a maybe 45 kilo girl I couldn’t hope to guess, but maybe when you can twist the universe around your finger with your mind that’s enough?  

“Like what you see?” she paused and cocked her head with a little smile, and I realized I’d been staring. 

“Sorry.  And yes, it's very cute,” I agreed.  That was always a safe thing to tell a girl, I’d found.

“I try!” she agreed, and made her way to the door to let in the actual Big Bad Wolf, straight out of a fairy tale.

Before I could scream in panic, I saw the pincushion and tape measure in his hands and around his massive neck respectively, along with his less furry but still definitely canine assistant.

Neither seemed that upset, but I reflexively stood and bowed anyway.  “My apologies,” I tried to be extra polite to the pointy-toothed killing machines. “It’s my first time meeting someone like you.”

The world’s scariest tailor nodded acceptance, and without speaking got to work, while his assistant quietly recorded my measurements in a script I couldn’t make heads or tails of.  So much for escaping cram school.

Once the pair finished and left, I asked, dreading the answer, “Are they not allowed to talk?” 

Lolisa shook her head.  “They were.  You just couldn’t hear them.  We’ll need to get you a set of basic skills, but that can wait until tomorrow.  Later today.  For now, you probably want to let your body adjust to being here.  I did when I came to this plane for the first time.”

“Probably,” I grunted, “but no way I’ll get to sleep for hours yet.  I’m not as bad as Kaz but this is still pretty early for me.” 

“No problem at all!  In fact, this can be your first taste of magic if you want?” she suggested, coming over to where I’d sat back down on the bed.  

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t tempted, and really if they wanted to hurt me they had all the chances in the world.

I nodded. “Sure, thanks,” and laid back, having already reflexively pulled my shoes off when I walked in.  

“Then goodnight Jiro,” Lolisa said softly, and touched a slim finger to my forehead.  “Sleep.”

Chapter Text

Jiro’s turn

It was the interview from hell I decided, as the door closed behind me. 

At the sound two women broke off their discussion.  The brunette seated on the right gave me a quick friendly smile, the redhead in the center a visibly measuring look before beckoning me over and returning to their conversation.  Taking the hint, I made my way to the chair at the center of the room and sat.  

One of my cram school’s courses was on how to handle yourself in an interview.  They held it in a windowless room with your cheap chair alone at one end, and a long table for the panel of interviewers at the other.  Except for the furnishings being much, much nicer, this room was mostly the same.  For heaven’s sake the rug was plush enough I’d be willing to sleep on it.  I was also pretty sure the table alone, elaborately carved with geometric patterns similar to what I saw in my room last night and deeply stained to a glossy red matching the floor to ceiling wall paneling, was worth more than I’d make in the year after I graduated.   

The third place at the table was still empty, but the last member barged in a moment later.  His black feathered wings were only half folded, and nearly brushed me and the wall as he stormed past with an aggressive stride.  As he rounded the table he gave the rest of us a look of blatant challenge, and sat beside the redhead.

If the two women were impressed they didn’t show it.  I, on the other hand, almost had my heart stop.  Apparently he was the ‘bad cop’ today.

The panel now assembled, they introduced themselves.

The first, General Wiz, was the brunette, human looking woman in a set of purple and black robes.  Brown eyed, she wore her hair down and loose except for a cowlick sort of thing in front.  She was also pale, incredibly so.  Enough that I didn’t have much trouble concentrating on her face, rather than her other incredible assets, because it was genuinely a bit worrying.  I wasn’t totally sure what a lich was, but based on that my first guess would’ve been a vampire.

By contrast, General Sylvia also at least looked human, though I wasn’t sure how much to count on that when she introduced herself as a chimera.  She was a tall, tanned, purple eyed redhead with her hair in a partial bun and the rest loose.  A tight, low cut red dress that hugged her distracting curves, accented with a heavy gold necklace, made it clear exactly where she wanted your attention.  If that was her plan, it was working.  

As for General Duke, it didn’t surprise me a bit that he claimed to be a fallen angel.  I’d have called him movie star handsome, but honestly that was probably selling him short.  His wardrobe matched his eyes and hair, he wore black robes with the hood thrown back, so I couldn’t tell much about his build.  But from the clumping of his shiny black leather boots earlier he was probably no lightweight.

“Now then, I believe we all have some questions, so let's get on with it,” Sylvia began.  “Jiro, what can you tell us about your brother?  What he was like as a child, hobbies, a little personality sketch if you would.”

That I could answer without too much thought, I’d guessed they’d ask something like it.  “Of course,” I replied, trying for a calm voice and suppressing the urge to rub my palms on my new pants or fiddle with my glasses.  “I should start by saying that which Kazuma you get in a situation depends on how much he cares.  If something doesn’t interest him, he doesn’t do it.  Full stop.  If he does commit, then he goes full power at it.  He doesn’t really have anything in between.  For example, anytime there was a project or assignment in school he always did it at the last minute, because that’s when he’d suddenly care about it.”  Even group projects, which had probably been part of why he never had a lot of friends in class.  “But, despite spending the night before running around in a panic and slapping something together, he’d usually get it right.  Somehow.  It’s his pattern.” 

“We’ve seen how much he cares then,” Duke said grimly. “More than that damned Vanir, who couldn’t be bothered to show up.”

Lolisa had told me there was a fourth remaining general, though I hadn’t known he blew off the meeting. “That seems likely.  The other thing is, and I know how it sounds, his luck is just impossible,” I went on, more than a bit envious even now. “Not like finding the odd…coin on the ground kind of luck.  I mean in something like cards, or even rock paper scissors?  The only time I’ve seen him lose is when I was little and would whine about it.”

“Beloved by the gods even then,” Sylvia snorted. “It would be like them to plant a seed and cultivate it into a useful tool.”

“It’s as good an explanation as any,” I shrugged helplessly.  “Not that he was ever devout.  Unless you count his games as his gods maybe.”

Wiz took the lead this time, saying “Why don’t you tell us about the rest of your family, along with his friends, lovers, that sort of thing.”

“Our family is fairly common.  Two of our grandparents are still alive and at the nursing home in Nagano.  Both of our parents work long hours, so we only ever saw them a little at night once we were old enough for school.  We were more or less left to ourselves, I learned how to cook because I got sick of instant meals.  But Kazuma has lived on a diet of snack food and soft drinks more or less since he figured out how to work a vending machine and a microwave.  Probably why I’m a little taller despite being younger.  How he doesn’t weigh 100 kilos I haven’t ever figured out, he was never in track like me.  Or any other sports.”  I forced a chuckle, though the lich looked horrified at the description.  Not wanting to talk more about our family, I moved on. “As for the lovers part, that’s easy.  I know he’s interested in women, but he never dated any that we knew about.”  Which had been sad in a way, heaven knew plenty of uglier, dumber guys had girlfriends.  But it was what it was, if he wouldn’t make an effort it was his own fault that he never found anyone.

‘I TOLD Seresdina to just send a succubus, but noooo,’ Sylvia muttered, ignoring a disapproving look from Wiz.  Privately, I thought she had a point, but then another general spoke over her.

”No military experience?”  Duke interrupted suspiciously.

“No, none.  Not any in the family since my great grandfather’s time, and I think he was in the navy anyway.  Talking about his friends, that’s a bit more complicated.  In our town not many, at least not close ones he’d meet with outside school or invite over.  But his…pen pals I guess you’d call them, those he wrote to constantly.  Some of them were even overseas.”

That got some raised eyebrows from all three, and I had to remind myself that long distance messages probably involved either a rider, or maybe smoke or flag signals here. 

“So he maintained contacts far afield even as a youth?  That would explain his ability to bring together such a diverse group,” Duke noted grimly.  “What about his other projects?  Could any of them be a threat?” he demanded.

I had to wonder what he meant by that exactly, Kaz hadn’t been a threat to anything besides someone’s patience or our parent’s bank account before.  But he seemed to want an answer, so all I could say was:

“Anything he has now, he made here.  He didn’t own so much as a pocket knife back home.”

For some reason, they didn’t find that reassuring.

General Wiz spoke into the awkward silence.  “Jiro, why don’t you tell us a little about yourself as well?”

The other two generals didn’t seem very interested in that, Duke giving the lich an impatient look while Sylvia showed no reaction either way, so I kept it quick.

“Well, I’m currently finishing school before enrolling in university next year.  I’m planning on studying…call it being an artificer, or possibly golem construction…”

Lolisa’s turn

I stood in Lady Nene’s office while Jiro was being interviewed elsewhere to deliver my own report of my experiences in Japan.  

I’d never met her before, of course, outside the brief time at the summoning circle yesterday.  That said, orcs tended towards a pretty barren kind of decorative sense and the castellan of the Demon King’s castle was no exception.  A woven reed mat covered all of the floor.  Rather than a desk, she had a kind of free standing lectern made of marble which she was currently standing at.  A tapestry on one wall with her clan symbology, maybe dating back to the Exile Fleet judging by the wear and fading.  Only the family head was allowed to display one that large.  And that was all, besides the bare stone walls.

“I’m impressed, well done,” she graciously allowed when I finished. “Even if the initial contact went off script, to say the least,” I blushed faintly, not many succubi could claim a mark ran away at first sight, “but you seem to have ended with him well in hand.”

“I wish I could say it was all from my skills,”  I admitted ruefully. “Despite how much he seems to care for his brother, Jiro was worryingly willing to believe that he was doing something horrible and had gotten in far over his head.  Queen Iris must have made a terrible impression.  Given her reputation for charm, I have to wonder how she blundered so badly.”

The castellan shook her head.  “That’s part of what the generals are trying to find out, among other things.  I hope they get something worthwhile.  We’ve only recently replaced General Beldia with General Duke and now, with the loss of three more generals…frankly we’ve never been weaker in living memory.  Possibly even since Eris defeated Founding Demon King Nobunaga for scraps from the divinities’ table.”

I swallowed nervously.  Giving the goddess her due, Eris had done pretty well for herself with those scraps.  For all I might dread her church’s attention, it was also the most powerful on the continent by far.  But, as a lesser demon it wasn’t my place to even think such things.  I had known it was bad on this side of the border, but naturally as someone working in a hostile area I hadn’t heard anything like the full story.  To hear we were this close to the brink…

“Added to that, the costs in time, mana, and a host of other things required to bring young Jiro here were staggering.   We must recover those losses any way we can.  Not just from his value as a hostage, but as an informant and any other way that we may.  From what I’ve seen your record is commendable, but no assignments longer than a few weeks?”

I nodded sharply. “Yes, castellan.  Are you planning on this becoming a long term assignment?” I asked hopefully.  That could be exciting, you could only do dream services for adventurers and the odd noble scion for so long before it started getting stale.  Attaching me to someone long term would be a big step up, according to Beth that was her assignment before she took over our outpost in Axel.  

“You already have a rapport with him, given he followed you here willingly.  I see no reason to interfere as long as it produces results.  That said, while his willing cooperation is far preferable, if he isn’t tractable in a reasonable amount of time we may have no choice but to make him cooperate,” she reminded me gravely.

“If I may, how long do I have?  I’m going to need to earn his trust before I can make any real use of him, and he might be put on guard if I push too hard too quickly.”

“I can’t answer that, yet.   For now he’s your responsibility, and I can only suggest that you should work as quickly as you can.  If necessary we can assign him to someone who suits his tastes better, once we have an idea what they are.  If even that fails…” she didn’t elaborate, there was no need.

I nodded, almost a bow.  His life was in my hands. “I…I understand, castellan.  I’ll start probing to see what he has to offer.  It sounds as though he’s the more diligent of the two brothers, so he must have some useful knowledge.”

“Good, that would be very helpful.  Leaving that aside, Is there anything else you can add to the reports you read about the other world?”

————————————————————————————

After completing my report I arrived back at the meeting room to see the guard still outside, as expected the interview was still going.

Settling onto a cushion placed against one white plastered wall, I kept an eye on the door as I thought over my own debriefing.  It was more important than ever that I do this job right, for his sake as much as everyone else’s.  

Contrary to popular belief, a demon in Belzerg’s hands was a lot more likely to get the thumbscrew treatment, assuming they weren’t killed on the spot, than the other way around.  Demons very rarely tortured their prisoners.

We didn’t need to.

We played on those fears though, all the way until the luckless adventurer or knight landed in their cold, damp, dark cell, uncertainty gnawing at them about their fate all the while until they fell into an exhausted slumber.

Then they went to paradise.  The best succubi and incubi didn’t need anything as crude as a questionaire to divine a subject’s desires.  They could enter their dreams and ferret out their fetishes and fantasies directly, the feelings of discomfort and unease the process caused in its target being easily explainable by their situation.  With that done, they delivered a tailor made experience using every one of them.

The next morning, the prisoner returned to their grim reality, with only a memory of having their every wish granted.  The next night, the cycle repeated, a cycle of high and crash, escape and return.

Then the escapes stopped, only the unending discomfort, uncertainty, and fear were left to them.  Most cracked at that point, willing to do anything to return to that blissful state.

I had assisted in a few cases, and even the most benign scenarios had felt vaguely dirty.  I wasn’t hurting them, I was giving them the time of their life, even.  I knew that.

But still.

Shaking my head slightly to clear it, I mulled over where I needed to go from here.  What the castellan said was true, my previous assignments were the usual dream service, or shorter term contacts where keeping to an established persona was easy.  I’d learned to be very good at them, with experience and a lot of pointers from one of the first adventurers I met after I came to this world.  He called himself Dust, but I could always tell that wasn’t his true name.  Whatever it was, I owed him a lot for doing a better job of setting me straight as a succubus than most of my ‘sisters’ ever did.   

I haven't seen him in years, since he and his party moved on to bigger things.  Like so many I’d seen come and go over the years since.  Lolisa was just the name he suggested for me back then, so I picked it and my current form for luck with my biggest assignment yet.  

The door opened and I jumped to my feet, brushing the wrinkles from the skirt of my dress, the same style as last night just in green, before hurrying over as Jiro emerged, looking wrung out.  I couldn’t blame him, the idea of being alone with three generals for an entire morning gave me cold chills even imagining it.  

We’d traded out the shirt and denim pants from his home for a set of loose green cotton trousers and white long sleeved shirt. Typical fashion for humans and those who looked like them.  Both looked more rumpled than they had this morning, and he pulled his glasses off and rubbed his eyes as I approached.  Since there was no time like the present, I took his other hand in both of mine and made a show of  looking him over. “Are you alright?  That must have been so tough.”  

“It…I’ve been better,” he grimaced, replacing his glasses.  “They said they’re done with me, at least for now.”

“Well then, let’s leave the generals to their discussion.  Maybe we can see the castle for a while, and let you get some fresh air and relax? ” I suggested, slipping into position at his side as we went and leading him away, still holding his hand.

I had studied a general floor plan of the castle last night so I could actually do my official job as an aide, but this area was confusing enough on a map, and I’d been a little worried leading us up here.

But really?  How hard could it be to just retrace my steps?  The tower isn’t that big.

Hubris.  It’s a demon’s greatest weakness.

“And this is Queen Nanoha’s tower…again,” I said with a sudden tightness in my voice.   The first time I’d been able to play it off with a laugh at my mistake and the promise we’d just need to take a different turn at the next intersection.

That had been some time and two sightings ago, and the humor had long since worn off.  Turning to my charge, I bowed my head.  “I’m sorry, Jiro.  I don’t know this part of the castle very well.  This tower is mostly given over to the generals and their staff, lower ranking people hardly ever see it,” I tried to explain. “I’d ask for directions, but everyone must be in the meeting with the generals discussing what you told them earlier.”  

I watched his face carefully as I spoke, eyes turned up to look through my lashes.  He didn’t seem angry at least, just frowning thoughtfully as he looked out the window at the tower outside.  It was a pretty enough piece of architecture, all white stone with a blue tile roof.  

“I could fly out the window, but I don’t think I can carry you at the same time if that’s what you’re thinking,” I suggested with a hesitant chuckle, resting a hand on his arm.  He wasn’t tense, but didn't seem to notice either.  He just leaned his head out the window to look up and around.  Then he stepped back and trotted down the hall to one of the closed Thief Doors we passed previously.   One of several doors that would have been lowered with all three generals present.  

“Yeah, I thought so.  There was a flat plate sticking out of the outside wall I meant to ask about before.  I guess we know what that was now.  This was open before we saw that tower the first time.  But…” He squatted to grab a handle on the bottom and tried to lift it, but naturally it didn’t budge a bit.  Frowning, he reset his grip and tried again, but I stepped forward, leaning against him with my hands on his shoulders to get his attention.

“Don’t.  Thief and Assassin classes tend to have high agility but relatively low strength. So Thief Doors are only able to be lifted if you have a high enough strength stat, and neither of us are even close.”   If he was right and they’d been lowered after we passed, it was definitely going to be a problem. Possibly we somehow wandered into a section that would normally be open, but was sealed off for the discussions.  

Jiro blew out a frustrated breath, still squatting at the door handle.  After a second, he realized I was still leaning on his back and made a slight twitch, his ears pinkening slightly, but didn’t pull away.  I suppressed a rueful chuckle.  If my plan had been having a little ‘adventure’ together and bonding over getting lost for a while, and we weren’t actually trapped in here, I’d be calling it a complete success.  

“So what now?  We wait until they open up again?” he asked skeptically as I stepped away from him and he turned to face me.

Jiro’s turn

I know my guide had planned to show me the castle, but somehow I didn’t think this was what she had in mind.  

This whole area seemed to be deserted, which was odd in what was supposed to be a functioning castle.  I’d have thought it would be packed to the ceilings with people keeping things running.  

On the way here I’d noticed only a couple of people in the hallways too.  But, I guessed at the time there might be servant’s passages or whatever and hadn’t thought anything of it.

Lolisa frowned and turned away from the door, her bigger set of wings folded up neatly but the ones on her head twitching and fluttering slightly as she paced back and forth, nibbling a thumbnail while deep in thought.  Not seeing a better thing to do, I leaned against the door and idly watched her, while trying to remember anything we’d seen that might be useful.  

After a couple of laps she turned to pout at me over her shoulder.  “I don’t usually mind a snack, but it's really distracting right now.”

“So you can read my mind,” I muttered.  Scary, but good to know.  I’d been wondering if her wings felt like her tail did, it looked like they had the same kind of short, felt-like hairs…

“Not exactly, but if I couldn’t feel emotions how could I…” she trailed off distractedly,  “Like I said, later.  But right now I really need to figure out how to get us out.”

“You said snack,” I prompted, beginning to get worried.  Granted, it was definitely lunchtime.  But, unless we were in a lot more trouble than I thought, it was a little early to resort to cannibalism.  I hoped. 

“Of course…” She paused her consideration and turned fully to me, staring at me curiously.  “You do know what I am, right?”

“I mean assuming that’s, you know,” I gestured at her current winged form, “You?”

She gave me an unimpressed look, hands on hips.  “I can’t change my form that much.  Not long term.  Besides, I just told you I eat lust, what else would I be but a succubus?!” she exclaimed, irritation leaking into her voice.

“My friend’s dream girl,” I replied instantly.  Asa’s doujin collection had a very specific monster girl focus, as I’d learned one time when I’d been looking though his desk for a calculator while I was visiting.  Lolisa laughed at that for some reason. “Sorry, I’m not read up on demonology.  It wasn’t exactly a core class back home.”  She also didn’t look much like a succubus, a lot closer to ‘cute neighbor girl’ than ‘sex on legs’.  But, now that she said so, that suddenly explained a lot about how friendly she had been.  

Cannibalism might be a little closer to the truth than I’d like though…

Lolisa tilted her head at me, still in that same pose. “You’re actually serious,” she mused after a long moment. “You really didn’t have any idea what I was.  Kazuma means a lot to you, doesn’t he?”

“Yeah.  Yeah he does.” Not that the cute ‘girl’ delivering the pitch had hurt anything, but I’d like to think it wasn’t just chasing her that made me jump into this mess. “Only the gods know why, sometimes.  You know how it is.”

“Not really, we don’t have families.  We just kind of pop into existence.”  She sat against the wall, settling into a kind of seiza position where we could see the door. “Sorry, I assumed you knew more about us.  From the records of people from your world they tend to take it all in stride.  I guess I should explain some things, before someone does it for me and gets half of it wrong.”

I settled into position across from her, though I’d just leaned against the wall with my legs outstretched.  I had no desire to sit seiza for long.

“So, all demons live off of strong emotions.  Anger, fear, lust, despair, disappointment, there’s something for everyone.”

“I’ve seen you eat though,” I interjected.  Just this morning, in fact, when she brought some sort of juice, flatbread, and cheese before the interview.  And I couldn’t help noticing those were all pretty negative emotions.

“We do, but we can’t live on that by itself.  Like…a human who lives on nothing but bread and water will get sick, right?  Even if they have plenty of both?”

I nodded.  Emotions as magic vitamins preventing demonic scurvy or beriberi made as much sense as anything else I’d seen so far.

“Succubi are the same as any other demons, we just use lust of course.  Plus it tastes good, like a cake for you.”

I chuckled awkwardly, not sure how I felt about that comparison.

“But…we didn't always do things that way.  We can live off of emotions alone, we just have to get more.  Way, way more,” she said sadly.  “Our…partner’s mind doesn’t always survive that.  So you’ll hear a lot about us, and some of it will be true.  Or at least used to be.  We had to become civilized once we started living in cities with a lot of other races, the same way humans had to learn how to light a fire indoors without burning the house down.  So while it's been centuries since the old ways died out, the memories still linger.”

The silence stretched between us as I processed that thought.  Some things never changed.  It wasn’t like we didn’t have people who got a raw deal because of who their families used to be back home.  

Lolisa stood, dusting off the skirt of her dress.  “All that said, we’ve still got a problem.  They’ll find us eventually, but honestly it would be really bad for me if we had to be rescued on my first day on the job.  So, I’m going to fly down and grab someone who can get the door open for us, before an official search party gets started.  Promise not to tell anyone?” She tapped her fingers together and gave me a guilty look.

Because life loves moments like that, the door started to grind its way open, both of our heads whipping around in shock.  Lolisa’s eyes widened to show whites all around, pupils dilating like black holes as the blood drained from her face.  Making her almost as pale as our ‘rescuer.’  What I looked like I can only guess.

”Oh!  I’m sorry, I sensed two people in here.  I suppose you two wanted some privacy?”  General Wiz asked, looking away slightly in embarrassment while casually holding the Thief Door up with one hand.  She made a slight cough at our stunned silence. “Well, have fun!”  As she began to lower it again we both cried out:

”WAIT!”

——————————————————————————-

I blew steam off the freshly brewed tea within the cutely floral painted, paper thin ceramic teacup I held as carefully in both hands as if it was the Emperor’s personal property.

General Wiz seemed by far the nicest and most likable of the generals at the interview, but the way Lolisa was pale as our hostess and not hyperventilating only by sheer force of will told me we were probably in a lot of trouble.  She accepted the cup and saucer the lich placed on the table with a shaky smile and thanks.  A slight jerk in her hands spilled a few drops as she raised it to drink.  Not daring to touch the matching crochet napkin, she covertly wiped her hands on her skirt instead when Wiz turned and bustled back to pick up a tray.

”There!  Now, help yourselves!  I know you’re hungry, I certainly would be after answering questions all morning!” Our hostess chirped, depositing a very cute tray of crustless sandwiches and assorted finger food between us before seating herself, filling her teacup, and taking a few oval cookies of some sort.

The theme of the general’s quarters matched the tableware.  There were pastel colored curtains on the windows, and the walls were packed with warmly lacquered shelves full of various tea sets and trinkets. Each at least as delicately made and brightly decorated as the last.  There was a wood paneled door I assumed led into a bedroom, and a small but obviously functional kitchen tucked into one corner.  

“T-thank you, they look amazing,” I said, while I carefully reached for one of the sandwiches.  It was probably really good, but nerves were making it hard for me to taste much of anything as I sampled it.   

”I’m sure many things have been strange to you since your arrival,” Wiz said to me once we’d served ourselves.  Which was a bit odd, now that I thought of it.  I’d have expected someone like her to have people for that. “I certainly had to do some adjusting when I was chas…returned from Belzerg several years ago.”

”It’s like nothing I’ve seen before,” I answered with total honesty. “But Lolisa has been doing a good job helping get my feet under me.”  I sipped the tea, which had cooled enough by that point.   “We were planning to do a tour of the rest of the castle while you and your fellow generals met this afternoon.  Which reminds me, I did wonder about one tower, Queen Nanoha’s I think it was?  It doesn’t match the stonework of anything else.” I asked the first thing that popped into mind..

”Ah, she was quite a bit before my time I’m afraid.  I’d have loved to meet her, before or after I became a lich.  The White Devil they used to call her.   Not just because of her incredible magic, but also her ability to befriend former foes and bring them to her side.  Sometimes without violence.”  Wiz nibbled a cookie, frowning at it slightly. “I’m afraid I baked these a bit dry.  Anyway, they also call it the White Tower.  Many of the classes in magic for greater demons are taught there.”

”Just greater demons?  Where do the others go?” I asked, innocently I thought, but if anything Lolisa went even paler and clenched her hand on my leg under the table.

“Per the Founding Demon King’s will, yes,” Wiz replied flatly, before changing the subject.  “When you restart your tour, do try the turnovers at the cart by the entrance. I got the recipe for mine from the owner, but honestly I’ve never been able to get them quite like he does…”

Lolisa’s turn

For the first time in over a decade, I wished I was back in the Abyss.  At least there I would never be anywhere near a general, instead of trapped in a room with one.

Every move I made, or didn’t, could see me turned into a greasy smear at General Wiz’s slightest whim.  The story of her rampage through the fortress, leading to her rise to a generalship, was still spoken of in whispers among the demons fortunate enough not to be in her path.  

Piling misfortune on top of danger, I knew Jiro hadn’t meant ill, but bringing up the White Tower, and especially education for the lower demons, had been treading very close to criticizing a royal decree so old it was practically written in our bones.  

Unlike humans and the other races the goddesses favored, who’s adventurer cards granted them Skills and magics, we learned ours through study and practice.  

The benefit was that while we had no class limitations on what we could learn, it was also much, much slower.  Impossibly so if we didn’t have the lifespans we do.

Greater demons were permitted to learn the full array of mundane and magical techniques if they had the wit to do so.  Middle demons might also if they demonstrated talent and loyalty.  Lesser demons, never.  

Our innate Skills were enough for us, so spoke his majesty all those years ago.

For now, General Wiz seemed happy enough to recommend treats and scenic views, and Jiro, with the courage of the ignorant, was perfectly willing to trade tips with what against all odds seemed to be a fellow baker.  Meanwhile, I made the occasional nod and appreciative comment, trying not to look like I was snubbing the terrifyingly powerful woman and steering Jiro away from anything else that might get us both an ax.

”Well, this was lovely but I’m afraid our meeting will be restarting soon,” the general said, and I almost sagged in relief.  

“Our apologies for taking up your precious time, General,” I said quickly, bowing my head.  Jiro followed suit at my glance in his direction.

”Not at all, I’d love to do it again,” she said cheerfully, and my heart sank.

“We’re at your disposal,” I said instead, and we took our leave, General Wiz seeing us off with a wave from the door.

This time I knew exactly where to take us, and led us out as fast as I could without running or resorting to my wings.

Once we were outside, right next to the cart General Wiz mentioned in fact, I halted at last.  Hands on my knees, I blew out a long, relieved breath.

”So, that just happened, right?  We had a festive tea party with one of the most powerful people anywhere, and she makes great cookies?”  Jiro asked as he leaned against the wall beside the door, running a hand over his face below his glasses.

I looked up at him, and nodded numbly. “This isn’t a dream service, no.”

”Huh.  Well that was wild,” he chuckled. “And here I was afraid my day was going to be all boring meetings.”

I stuffed the urge to scream at him that boring was exactly what you wanted from meeting someone that powerful into a little box in the back of my head for later, and instead straightened and turned to him, making sure to meet his eyes to drive the point home.

”Jiro, please.  For both our sakes.  Be careful about what you say here.  Most powerful warriors or wizards don’t become that way by being kind and accommodating to their lessers.  No matter which side of the border you’re on.”

He nodded, looking away.  “Ok.  I guess entitled assholes really are everywhere,” he said softly.

I giggled and beckoned him to follow.  “Too true.  But I suppose on the bright side, if General Wiz likes you then that will make your life here easier.  Now, do you still want that tour?  With me?”  I couldn’t help adding that, after the last couple of hours I wouldn’t blame him for thinking I was cursed.

He stood up and walked over to stand beside me.  “Sure, how often do you get to see a demon castle in your life?”

I beamed at him and took his arm, falling into step.  “Then follow, bold warrior!  Our next stop is the main keep, or at least the wall around it.  Supposedly it was built by the Founding King himself, but there was a big rebuild about 35 years ago.  It’s hard to tell, they took a lot of care to make sure everything matched up.”

“What happened?”

“Welllll, General Wiz did.  You see…”

Chapter Text

Kazuma’s turn

For the second time in my life, I found myself in a blank, featureless space. The floor was checkerboarded in black and white, and I was sitting in a fancily carved white, straight backed wooden chair. There was of course only one explanation.

“AQUA! I’d better not be dead again!”

Between one blink and the next, the identical chair right across from me was filled with a familiar figure. Though instead of her usual outfit she was in a comfy looking set of sky blue pajamas and ethereally white fuzzy slippers, with her hair tied up in a loose bun. Despite that, she had the same talent as Iris for making extra casual look good on her, where I always just looked like a slob.

”Keep your pants on, you’re fine,” she grumbled, setting down a steaming mug of something on a side table that appeared beside her chair. “Eris gets pissy about saying too much on stream, even if we’re not really online. I don’t think she gets how it works at all, I swear,” the goddess of booze and livestreams pouted. She pulled her feet up into her chair and rested her arms on her bent knees, reminding me of a teenager complaining about how out of touch her parents were. “But anyway. There was another veil transfer earlier today.”

I hissed out a breath I didn’t really need in this space. “Dammit. I didn’t think they’d risk it after Seresdina.” I gave the mug in her hands a long look. With another pout like a kid having to share her candy from my host, a similar mug appeared in my hands. Proving to be some sort of hot, spiced wine.

”They’ve gotta be desperate. You don’t get just how much mana one of those takes, even a goddess would feel it,” She placed a hand to her chest, and coughed delicately. “Well, a junior goddess anyway. I do them all the time.”

It was a little depressing that my countrymen got offed and reincarnated regularly enough to keep a goddess in practice at moving people between worlds. One day I needed to ask her what her weirdest case was, but I was probably going to want a lot more booze than this first.

“So whoever they brought is somebody they think can turn things around,” I said instead. “Any idea who it is?”

She shook her head quickly, setting her bun bouncing. “Nope! But they didn’t take much convincing, the out and back transfers were under two hours apart, earth time. Did you have any blood enemies that want another crack at you badly enough to wager their life and soul chasing you across the Void?”

”Of course not! You’ve been listening to Megumin too much.” Unless you counted some gamer sweatlord I pissed off, but a transfer didn’t give you any abilities or weapons you didn’t already have. Elite World of Warcraft skills probably weren’t what the Demon King was counting on to turn the tide.

I sipped at my wine, running down the list of people who would even notice I was missing at all. It didn’t take me long, being a damned short list. Jiro knew exactly where I went. My parents probably told the neighbors and their friends I moved away and never mentioned me again. My highschool acquaintances had mostly moved on or fallen out of touch. They probably already filled my spot in the guild, and I didn’t have much contact with most of my online friends outside of whatever game we played…

Aqua stayed uncharacteristically silent while I thought, taking big enough gulps from her mug that it had to be refilling itself. “Heh. Maybe they found some special forces trooper who died in an accident?” I suggested with a forced laugh. “That’s almost worse than a random NEET. Can you imagine what they would think, seeing some of the monsters around here?”

“I thiiiink I might’ve sent some of your SDF people over a few times? So you might be surprised,” Aqua matched my grin over the mug she held near her face. “But you’re right, it could be anybody.” She turned away, and just above a whisper said, “Just…keep an eye out, yeah? I can’t have my star getting himself hurt, who knows where I’ll find another one! So be safe.”

I looked away too, feeling my eyes prickle. “That’s always the plan, right? But…thanks. I can tell Iris?”

She nodded. “Of course. We’re kinda stretching the rules about divine revelations here, so keep it close.”

Some time later, I found myself back in bed, my fiancé at my side breathing softly from under the mound of coverlet she wrapped around herself somehow. Given the size of the bed there was still plenty for me even so, though how she didn’t wake up sweaty and overheated I’ve never figured out.

I stared at the ceiling, no canopy for my bed thank you, and listened to the whooshing of the fan over the ice bucket I filled before bed. Early summer in Belzerg wasn’t as brutally hot as in, say, Kyushu, but I’d take all the comforts of home I could get.

And this was home, now.

I mean, sure. There were some mercenary reasons to say that. I’d done really well out of the deal so far. First, the difference in swank between my two apartments wasn’t even close. Second, I’d been slandering Belzerg back then too. It turned out sewers, indoor plumbing, and central heating were much older ideas than I would have ever thought. No Wi-Fi, granted, but getting to play with literal magic made up for that. Besides, I could probably con Aqua into showing me the highlights of any anime I missed anyway. And third, yes, it's good to be the prince consort, especially when you’re consorting with a woman like Iris, even with the minor hiccup that I died in the process of making it happen.

But with as much silver as the demons were offering me to stay home I could’ve turned any apartment I rented into NEET paradise several times over, with a succubus delivery service thrown in.

I’ll never admit it to another soul, but the biggest part, the part I’d have given all the rest up for, was the people who cared about me now. Benny and Yunyun, who made sure I fit into their clan of wizarding weirdos despite my barely having enough magic to light a bonfire. Sylphina, Megumin, and Komekko, who trusted me enough to lead them into danger, and all of whom had saved my skinny butt at least once so far. And even managed to be good company, at least when I was sure Komekko wasn’t about to eat my soul. Or Sylphina wasn’t acting like I was in grade school. Or I was in the safe part of Megumin's blast cycle. Even Ancient Blonde in her own snooty, ‘my girl can do much better, but I suppose with enough salvage work you might one day be acceptable’ way.

And at the top of the list, Iris believed in me on nothing but a memory and a prayer, when heaven knew I hadn’t shown a reason for anyone to before.

So, if I had to keep playing the part of a chosen hero, then that’s a small price to pay. If it was an easy job, any asshole could do it. I just happened to be the asshole who was on the spot.

Firming my resolve, I rolled over and began to reach towards Iris. Then paused, as my nose twinged in phantom pain. And I suddenly remembered the last time I startled her while she was sound asleep.

I rolled back over, and rustled back into being comfortable. Plenty of time to be the bold isekai hero in the morning.

Iris’ turn

Dawn has always been my favorite time of day. Even when life was at its worst, it felt like a promise that this too would pass.

Of course there are those who disagree, and they are entitled to their opinion no matter how wrong it might be. Taking care not to move too quickly, I slid out from under the bunched up coverlet. Kazuma tended to find the usual bed canopy and curtains confining, but I had always considered them comforting. A private space was always difficult to find for royalty, and I think that as much as anything explains why the custom stayed. Despite it being a little silly in a modern palace, it wasn’t as though there were drafts to keep out. Unlike those old stonepile keeps on the frontier.

In any case, their presence would interfere with the lovely cooling machine he had in the corner. I did find it charming that he disliked the common practice of sleeping apart except for marital duties, too much like a booty call, he’d said. Which, while not a term I was familiar with, I could certainly guess from context. However, I would also be a liar before Eris without admitting part of my willingness to visit regularly came from how much more comfortable the slight chill it produced made a bedchamber.

Sliding into a robe, I padded over to the door and eased through to the salon. There I found a small pile of messages that had come in overnight on the table. Along with a teapot on a warmer, the cup and saucer escorted by dishes of honey and cream.

I’d worked my way through some of the daily routine when the bedroom door opened again, much earlier than his now usual first blush of 9 am awakening.

”Oh! Well, good morning! I didn’t wake you, I hope?” I asked, as Kazuma dropped into the other chair and poured himself a cup.

”No, I was half awake most of the night,” he admitted. “I talked with Aqua. There was another transfer tod…yesterday.”

My cup froze on the way to my lips. “Is it too much to hope the Crimson Demons are playing with their new toy?” I asked hopefully. Which would be terrifying enough in its own right, but given the alternative…

He snorted and shook his head. “We should be so lucky. No idea who they brought. Just that it was quick, under two hours there and back.”

Given the headache navigating Kazuma’s world could be, that was lightning speed indeed. I breathed in through my nose and released it in a puff though my lips, a technique Claire had taught me as a girl for clearing my head that had served me well many times since. “So be it. We shall simply have to turn the spymasters loose and see what they can uncover. Hopefully, they’re in the mood for a challenge.”

Fortunately, operating in the demon realm wasn’t impossible. There were humans to blend in with after all, and demons were just as vulnerable to a good bribe or boasting in their cups about something they shouldn’t as anyone else. But those same humans tended to attract inordinate amounts of suspicion, and so any information tended to be slow in coming to avoid security.

“And maybe Komekko’s crew knows something,” he agreed hopefully.

After a kiss and promise to meet for lunch, I returned to my own chambers through the connecting door to have my attendants make me presentable to face the day.

As I closed the door, he rang the bell to signal what must be his very confused staff to bring in breakfast.

Afterwards I sent a message to my henchw…retainers. Kazuma’s ‘affectionate’ word for them popped to mind at the most inconvenient times. In any case, Claire met me at my working chambers, as expected. Unfortunately, by this point Tina was on enforced seclusion and bed rest leading up to her delivery. Instead, her husband Alexei was standing in temporarily and had brought along their silver haired aide, Dame Chris.

Tina’s ‘aide’ had been loosely in her service since at least her days as Darkness the adventurer, and I had it on good authority that she had been her supposed mistress’ minder and near chaperone in her younger years. A position of trust in the Dustiness family she probably still had, for all that Tina had mellowed somewhat with marriage and motherhood.

While Alexei was entirely competent and his aide was objectively a better choice for anything involving espionage, I would have been relieved to have my other aunt present all the same.

”I fear I must begin the day with ill news,” I said after the customary greetings. “Kazuma has received a message from his goddess. The demons have conducted another transfer ritual.”

That brought a round of grimaces and shock only restrained by noble propriety, though only Claire spoke up at first. “Without wishing to unfairly impugn the source, I must ask how reliable this information is given…the source.” she trailed off, and as much as I disliked the implication I couldn’t fault her caution. Anyone as intimately connected as Kazuma was with Aqua should be hailed as a saint, possessing such unsurpassed holiness and heavenly favor would be a boon to the royal family not seen in centuries.

And yet…

“In this field, I think we must take her at her word. Unfortunately, we know little else, merely that the target agreed swiftly and returned successfully. First, Alexei, I should wish to borrow Dame Chris so she might lead the effort to seek out, evaluate, and report back on this new arrival. Consider this your top priority.”

He nodded, in no way surprised. “Consider her at your disposal to turn over as many rocks as needed.”

The Thief had recovered her aplomb as well, and grinned jauntily at the fresh challenge. “Understood, your majesty! Might I assume you would prefer this person is available to answer questions?”

The Thief’s purple eyes sparkled, looking thrilled to be given an assignment involving scanty clues, a search area as wide as the Demon King’s domain, and nothing but a general guideline to follow as she saw fit. Having known her passably well for some years, I suspected the freedom of the last part was outweighing the ‘minor’ inconvenience of the first two. In her adventurer days she was something of a minor legend, ranging far and wide across the kingdom as a roving troubleshooter for her liege while recovering ‘misplaced’ property.

“Very much so, if possible. I can’t imagine the demons would be foolish enough to bring someone across without adequate means of keeping them loyal, however, so use your best judgment. If they must be eliminated at once, so be it.”

Claire spoke up next. “If I may, I suggest we accelerate our own preparations for the new offensive as much as possible in response. I know you hoped to begin construction on some of the merchant lines for concealment and experience, but I fear that we must concentrate on making our move first. Even if it risks some of our precautions being less effective.”

“We might call the Muster early, that would surely provide enough distraction,” Alexei added, in agreement with the duchess. “Though of course that would give away that we were up to something, if not reveal exactly what.”

As father said many times, moments like these are why monarchs exist. No one can ever manage a kingdom alone, but equally there must always be someone with the final say.

We could very well be jumping at shadows by even considering tampering with our existing plans. Could indeed be creating a critical weakness by doing so, as some things thought unimportant turned out to be anything but, and others inevitably fell through the cracks.

We could also spoil their plans by forcing the demons to react to us instead of launching their own stratagem, even if ours don’t unfold entirely as planned…

“Find out how much time we might gain if we called the Muster now and gave the military lines full priority,” I finally said. “And of course if we even have enough food and fodder on hand for them yet.”

“At once, your majesty,” Claire replied with a seated bow.

“Alexei, provided a reasonable amount of time can be saved, the Muster planning falls to you. Try to arrange the levies’ routes to avoid our new construction if at all possible.”

“The eastern domains will have no choice but to use some of the roads we want,” the duke pointed out. “Unless you’d prefer they stay behind and add them to the expedition?”

I frowned again. The frontal attack on the Demon King’s castle was always supposed to only be a demonstration, a glorified feint. But it also needed to be big enough to look convincing, and it would look very strange if only that area failed to contribute their required soldiers… “Include them for now. If we do encounter problems with supplies that might give us an excuse to retain them as expedition reinforcements after all.”

Compared to reshuffling a major military operation, the rest of the agenda was positively tame. I was interested to note that, among the usual rumor mongering at various soirees, there was more speculation about how lucrative the construction contracts I granted for rail expansion would be than about the railroads themselves. All to the good, if the general opinion was they were merely a useful aid to commerce and nothing more.

Afterwards, it was time for my morning practice. The outer courtyard used by the Royal Guard rang with the sounds of practice weapons on dummies and the crackle of attack magic against targets against the inner wall facing the moat. The healers also seemed to have a few customers to practice on, though nothing major by the look of things.

I paused to watch Captain Mitsurugi and one of the lieutenants, I couldn’t tell which, conducting a demonstration for some of the newer guards.

The captain’s armor rang like a bell under a strike from his opponent’s blunted practice saber, a discharge of lightning flaring from the impact on his forearm and sparking along the decorative strips to his boots and into the ground.

Armor like his, or the rest of the Guards’, was much more than sheets of steel or wrought iron over cloth padding. From salamander leather backing to confer fire resistance, to greater gander down filling in the gambeson to mitigate temperature extremes and defeat ice magic, to the copper conducting strips and grounding cleats necessary to weather lightning magic, a high class set of armor protects against a wide range of threats to its wearer beyond sharp objects.

But even the best armor couldn’t provide perfect protection. His hand seemed to be somewhat numbed by either the blow or the magic in spite of it’s best efforts, he surreptitiously worked the fingers as he lowered it to his side.

“Well struck, Sir Eric,” the captain said. “And to all of you new to our ranks, take heed! Your armor is your life. Tend to it, and it shall tend to you!” His lieutenant whispered to him, confirming my suspicion that he noticed I was there previously while his captain hadn’t. Mitsurugi was a capable enough fighter, but suffered from the same ills that so many of his transplanted countrymen did. All of his skills and experience revolved around his sword Gram, removing it from his side or from being relevant also removed a disproportionate amount of his value.

Starting slightly, he recovered and turned to face us. “Your majesty, may the sun’s rays shine warmly upon your august self this fine day,” he called with a flourished bow.

“Sir Mitsurugi,” I returned the greeting with a raised hand to acknowledge the hurried bows of the others, “A good morning to you all as well. Carry on.” After giving leave to continue their lesson, Rain and I continued onward towards the private yard. A surprising number of ‘accidents’ happened in the main yard over the years, considering the presence of large numbers of armed and loyal guards. None in my time on the throne, fortunately, but as they say there’s a first time for everything.

Once there I changed into something more appropriate for exercise with her help, racking my ‘working’ sword and my practice one next to the bench beside the wall before stepping out onto the padded mat to begin the flexibility and conditioning exercises handed down within the royal family for generations.

This was my other favorite time of the day, when I could push aside outside distractions for a time. Or try to at least. Even more so than with the sword forms, since those inevitably called to mind when I would have need of them.

After I finished, I found Kazuma watching from the door with interest, dressed in his old tracksuit and apparently fresh from his own lesson with the armsmaster.

“Admiring the scenery?” I asked with a raised eyebrow, plucking a towel off the bench. Now that I was warmed up it was time to switch to the sword anyway, and since I had a volunteer…

“Just thinking my next project ought to be yoga pants,” he replied with a little cough, his still developing sangfroid not quite up to covering his embarrassment as he stepped inside.

I paused toweling off, giving him a considering look. “How do you know about the royal exercises? I was certain I had yet to show them to you. Before now.”

“I…ah haven’t ever done them, but there were a lot of people who did in Japan. There were even special clothes for it.”

I hummed in thought. My current outfit of sleeveless white tunic and loose trousers was comfortable enough, but far be it from me to turn down an upgrade… “Remind me to ask about that later. Since you arrived early, how do you fancy a quick turn in the ring before we take lunch?”

By the look on his face, very little. But before he could start edging towards the door, I snagged him by the hand and towed him towards the painted circle in the middle of the room, taking up my practice sword as we went.

Apparently resigning himself to his fate, Kazuma started stretching on his side of the ring while I waited. Initial reluctance aside he seemed to be looking forward to it, frowning in concentration while loading himself with strength and speed buffs as he moved. “Same rules as last time? Pin both shoulders to the ground, or a weapon or skill in contact unblocked?” He asked, picking up his practice weapon that I could never pronounce. Which to my eye looked like a straight razor with delusions of grandeur, but was suited for the quick, close in strikes combined with Lurk or poor visibility his build favored.

“Of course.” We had crossed swords a few times before, needless to say I had yet to lose. But sparring with him was always an interesting challenge. His varied, and probably unique, set of skills and talent for…unusual applications…of them made it difficult to know exactly what I was facing. Dangerous, but not at all suited for a stand up fight.

Since such a fight was all too likely to find him anyway, he needed to practice how to deal with one.

He wasted no time once his buffs were in place and he stepped into the ring, casting a speed debuff on me as his first move. I could break it if I truly needed to, but Axis status effects were surprisingly ’sticky’, perhaps why their clerics used to punch above their weight.

Still, it wouldn’t serve any purpose to merely flatten him with raw power, so I limited myself to the strength and speed a high level monster such as a manticore could muster.

Unfortunately for him, placing it and his other buffs used the majority of his mana, and barring a mythical friendly lich teaching him Drain Touch he wasn’t going to replenish any soon.

A Bind shot out next, one of his more versatile skills. I jumped aside, common rope rather than something more substantial, arcing past in a blur to bounce harmlessly off the wall.

That proved to be part of his plan, he iced over the area I was about to be landing in, quick thinking on his part. It was good to see his time with the armsmaster was paying off. I skidded on the slick surface, but not enough to create a decisive opening, then cracked it underfoot.

His follow up was why fighting him was so interesting, he being the only person I’d ever seen use Basic Magic offensively. Instead of the mud balls he used against the Moguunin he instead pulled dust he created, and also apparently from a bag in his pocket, into a cloud around me to screen his maneuvers.

Knowing better than to charge right through it, but also not wanting to give time to start shaping the battlefield further in his favor, I summoned a mana burst on my practice sword to disrupt the spell …

”YOUR MAJESTY! YOUR HIGHNESS! URGENT NEWS!” Rain shouted in a near panic.

I nearly dropped my sword in shock, and reflexively began to whip around to face her in astonishment. Rain was never flustered, what could possibly…

Something wrapped itself around my legs and yanked, bringing me to the ground with a whump. The cloud dissipated to show me Rain, her hands covering her mouth in horror, glaring daggers at Kazuma.

Who was now a step away, pointing his short sword at me while wearing a positively wicked grin on his face.

“Victory!” He cheered, clenching his free hand into a fist in the air. Correctly, damnation.

I glared down at the braided wire cable wrapped around my lower body, then slid it off with a yank and hopped to my feet before Rain needed to come over to assist. Fortunately he hadn’t put much mana into the Bind spell, or I might have been performing the rest of today’s duties while being carried in a chair. “That was utterly contrary to the spirit of the exercise,” I huffed in well justified annoyance, “And how under heaven did you do it?”

”Well, Aqua and I discussed more than just the new arrival. She showed me the Command Performance and Ventriloquism skills too. Then, a flawless imitation of Claire’s urbane accent came from his lips. “It appears that this particular skill allows one to most uncouthly mimic the speech of anyone whom the user has overheard for a sufficient length of time.”

I frowned thoughtfully. ”They can’t be common skills, I hope? Otherwise our security is going to require yet another overhaul.”

He shook his head while coiling up his ropes and summoning his dust back to its pouch. “No, I checked. Technically they’re both available, but Command Performance is high up in the Bard skill tree and that’s been unpopular for quite a while. Probably nobody has known it in years.”

That was reassuring, at least. “Well then, nicely done.” I inclined my head in acknowledgment of his victory, “Shall we adjourn then?”

“Certainly! Shall I inform the kitchen her majesty will require an extra pastry to soothe her wounded pride?” he asked full of false consideration, the knave.

I grinned at him, perhaps showing a few too many teeth given he sidled a step to the side. “Yes, please do. And you should also begin planning for our next bout. Needless to say, that trick is not going to work twice. My dear.”

Chapter Text

Meanwhile, in a narrowly averted timeline we should probably all be grateful never took place...

Kazuma’s turn

I was studying Crimson Demon culture one day, by which I mean drinking and playing cards with two of the village NEETs one day after my Rain’s class.

”Who’s turn is it with the telescope tomorrow?” asked the dealer, who for some reason was never me after the first few games.  At the time it was Bukkorori, the local and only grocer.

”Mine,” said Huehue, the tall, slender girl across from me. “It’s Fruitday.”

”Trade?” he asked hopefully.

“No chance, you’d just point it at the Princess’ bedroom window again.  I know her schedule as well as you do.”

“Not for all the time,” he defended himself, though I made a note to ask for more details on that.  For intelligence gathering purposes.

“First I’ve heard of a telescope,” I broke in, not having known the kingdom even had them.  “How far does it see anyway?  The demon’s castle is at least a day’s ride isn't it?”

“It’s up on Mount Doom, there’s a trail you might’ve seen,”  Bukkorori said as he shuffled the cards.  “You can see about 30 km in places, but the mountains and folds block a lot in certain directions of course.”

“Shame you weren’t able to put it on a balloon or something,”  I mused.  “Get a better angle to see over the terrain.”  Far be it from me to turn down more warning of an attack on the village I was living in.

”A balloon?” he asked, pausing his shuffling to look quizzically at me.

“A sport my people had.  You took a big cloth or paper bag, heated up the air inside or filled it with a gas lighter than air, and it would fly.  Never tried it myself, but you could get several people in one.  How big is the telescope?”  Pretty big, I imagined, if they had to keep it on the ground.

He made some gestures, indicating something about the diameter of a kitchen trash can and about a meter and a half long.

“How would it even stay up?  You’d need a huge fire to have enough updraft to keep something that big airborne!” Huehue scoffed. 

“Not really, they float in the air like a boat in water.  Just a small fire on the balloon will work.”

She gave me a deeply skeptical look, and laughed.  “Floats in the air you say,” she chuckled, clearly certain I was bullshitting her and not having any of it.  “Prove it, Outsider.  I’ll believe it when I see it.”

———————————————————————-

Now, I don’t consider myself a prideful man.  But that was not a challenge I could walk away from.

The next day, I went by Luhan the smith to have an open topped sheet metal box made, light as he could manage.

Then I put my Crafting skill to work.  It didn’t let me duplicate a real smith, or a carpenter, or some other special trade.  Those were expensive skills for a reason.  But it did let me do what a good general handyman DIYer could manage.  

The paper skin was the hardest part to get, since the cloth here tended to be pretty heavy.  It wasn’t exactly cheap either, not the kind I was looking for anyway, and I finally had to ask Rain about it.  Which meant I had to explain why I even wanted paper you couldn’t even write on.

So a week or so later, I had an audience for my test flight including of some of the most powerful people in the kingdom.  No pressure.

The fruit of my genius sat on a light wooden stand in the middle of the village square.  A meter wide sphere of light wood framing covered with the closest I could get to tissue paper, with a metal box dangling right beneath on strings.  Inside the box was a dish of lamp oil, which I touched a lit candle to since I didn’t trust my aim with Kindle enough for this.

The oil caught, and nothing else did, so I backed up hastily to wait.  For the first minute or so, nothing much happened and there was a steady buzz of conversations, along with a few jibes from the audience.  Then, the balloon started to bounce on its frame, as the air inside got hot enough for some lift, and the watchers went quiet.

After another minute, without any warning, it lifted gently off, trailing the string I’d tied to the frame behind it in a fit of what I thought at the time was misplaced optimism.  

Now suddenly glad I bothered, I turned and shouted at Huehue and her fellow skeptics.  “Pay up!”

Naturally, at that moment a gust of wind jerked the balloon against its tether and sloshed out some of the burning oil.  Which immediately lit one of the strings holding up the firebox, flames raced up it and across the highly flammable paper skin, and in moments the whole thing plummeted right back down in a fireball.  

But it was the principle of the thing that mattered.  

After that, I was too busy with mandatory learning after Iris put her foot down to pay much attention, besides seeing quite a few balloons of different sizes getting built and an awful lot of different objects getting lofted into the air on them.  

I moved to the capital not long afterwards, and between the attacks by Wolbach and Hans, and then my engagement, I forgot all about it.

Iris’ turn

It was some months after our engagement when I came to visit Kazuma’s working chamber, bearing a bound sheaf of papers in one hand and a conflicted expression.  I didn’t make a habit of visiting him during working hours, only partly because of both our full schedules.  Though if my suspicions about my inability to keep more than tea and toast down since yesterday were true, the times we had gotten ‘distracted’ might have finally paid off.

”I just received these from Yunyun, I believe you should see them posthaste,” I said as I walked around his desk to stand beside him, laying out several magic photos.

The first was a close up, ground level shot of what I could only call a giant flying cigar, though it was decorated like the very concept of camouflage had been dragged into the street and shot.  The grinning jagged teeth and blazing red eyes painted on the prow were the least of it.

The next was taken from further back, and showed the airship taking off, several Crimson Demons crewing the long basket fastened underneath, with one shooting fire into the gas bag while another seemed to be directing wind to push it along.  A cheering crowd on the ground saw them off.

The next seemed to have been taken aboard the airship, showing the crew hurling magical destruction of several kinds at something far below, too blanketed by clouds of dust, debris, and smoke to see much detail, thankfully.

At Kazuma’s shocked look, I added.  “The cover letter said that that was one of the Demon King’s border forts.  The next raid is going to be a run towards the coast, since the harpies that tried to stop them didn’t do well against Advanced Magic from the crew.”

”Good thing they’re on our side,” he responded, slightly horrified. “Reminds me of one of my old…”  He paused, and then in growing worry asked “Has anyone seen Megumin today?”

Megumin’s turn

The bold hero rode upon the creaking deck of the crew basket, her hearty crew eagerly awaiting her next command!   On the horizon was a smudge of woodsmoke from cooking fires, boiling tar vats, and all the industry that supported a large port.  

Adjusting my new eyepatch, I took my hand off of my gloriously plumed new hat, emblazoned with the badge of ‘Chief Explosioneer’, once I was sure the drawstring would keep it in place and gestured grandly ahead.  My preparations complete, I shouted over the wail of the wind through the rigging holding our compartment to the gas bag.

“TODAY!  Today we strike a mighty blow against a place not seen by Belzerg eyes in living memory!  The city of New Atsugi, largest port of the Demon Kingdom!  Home base for his flotillas!  A center for the trade that keeps his armies at our doorsteps!  Today, it falls to the glory of Explosion!” 

Chapter Text

Jiro's turn

The day after I got lost in a demon fortress, and met General Wiz, I was eating breakfast with Lolisa.

After all that excitement I definitely hadn't needed a sleep spell the night before, which was nice since the last one left a hangover the next morning. Not that I had any experience with what one was like, but you know. So I've heard.

Anyway, as a guest of the Demon King I could've easily gotten my food delivered to my room. But there were races straight out of the DVDs I borrowed from Kazuma's apartment to get an idea of just what he'd gotten himself into. Mom and Dad had wasted no time closing up his new apartment once he was reported 'missing.'

Right, fantasy races. In easy walking distance! Who in their right mind would stay shut up in their room? So I asked to go to one of the regular dining halls, hoping to get the best cross section of the castle's population. Lolisa had tried to suggest one of the nicer ones that had more Japanese style food, but again what was the point in that? I could eat oyakodon or sukiyaki when I got home.

A fantasy nerd like Kazuma must have had his eyes bugged out for his first week straight, and even I was pretty excited. When we walked in there was even a dramatically black hooded type in a corner that was weirdly more shadowed than the others despite being next to a window.

Trying not to stare, I walked to the long window where we got our plates filled with what seemed to be the usual breakfast for everyone: beer, cheese, and a fried egg. Kind of a letdown, really. I could've gotten any of them back in Japan, except the cheese had more flavor than the artificial stuff mom bought once in a while and the egg was faintly green. There wasn't any ham, I asked.

"So, what's the plan for today?" I asked my hostess. Who was having the same as I was, though she traded an extra egg for the cheese. Demons could be lactose intolerant, who knew? I only nibbled mine, I wasn't as bad as Dad was with dairy but no point in pushing it.

"Welllll, we need to get your message to your brother sent as soon as possible, given there's going to be quite a bit of delay getting an answer. Other than that, I suppose we could go see the city itself depending on how much daylight we have afterwards."

"Any idea how long until we hear back?"

"Maybe weeks," she shrugged. "We don't really have any regular contact with Belzerg, so it's going to involve a bit more than just sending a letter. Whoever gets the job is going to have their work cut out for them even getting it to him without it being intercepted by Belzerg's security," she said grimly. "Royal agents don't play around."

"Really? The Demon King and Belzerg's Queen Whoever don't like…send each other politely worded insults as diplomatic messages while arranging prisoner exchanges or anything?"

"Queen Iris. And that would mean there were prisoners to ask about. The Crimson Demons don't leave a lot of survivors," Lolisa said bitterly. "But no, not that I've ever heard of. We've been doing most of our talking with steel and spells for a while now."

"The Crimson Demons being traitors?" I asked curiously, not having heard of them before.

"No, they're human. Sort of. Maybe. They're the most dangerous wizards alive, every one of them. And they have no mercy, and no problem playing with their prey. They compete to invent these uselessly flashy spells to kill with just because they think it's funny to hear the screams. If one sees you you're already dead. If you don't see any you might already be seconds from death," Lolisa shuddered. "The only good thing is they don't leave their village at the other end of the valley very often. Though that means you have to go past all of them, after you get through the high level monsters they keep in the forest around their village for target practice."

"And that's the best way in," I added, remembering what she'd told me back on earth. "So, if I'm going to talk Kazuma into leaving, and a letter is definitely hit or miss, how are we planning to do this?"

"We'll definitely send it, so first things first. After that, I don't think anyone is sure yet. The obvious next way would be to smuggle you through one of the frontier crossings that aren't as well defended and try to set up a meeting. We launch raids through some once in a while even if they can't pass through a real army. But the first problem with that is Belzerg has patrols of their own to stop us, and the Royal Cavalry aren't weaklings either. The second is that even if you evade the patrols, we sometimes lose raids just to the monsters roaming the countryside. Axel, where I lived before, is one of the safest places in the kingdom and we still lose enough livestock and sometimes people to monster attacks every year to need permanent protection from adventurers."

"People live in this hellhole? On purpose?" I asked in sheer disbelief. "And you're trying to conquer it? Where even the local wildlife takes out military units? Why?!"

"We're not trying to conquer it, we're trying to hold what we have. And even so, it's better than here," Lolisa replied sadly. "At least things grow. You haven't seen outside yet. It's dry on this side of the mountains, but you can farm some things. Go much further north and it's scrubland or marshes mostly," she shrugged again then lowered her voice and gestured me a little closer as she leaned in. "The fact is we've got nowhere else to go. From what I've heard, we probably couldn't build another Exile Fleet even if we had a place to send it. It's here or nothing, so we hold what we have. And hope for something, anything, that can turn the tide." She said the last staring me in the eyes, willing me to have that answer.

Coughing, I looked away. I was no miracle worker, I was a kid from Nagano! My idea of an adventure was going to college on another island in a bigger city! The kingdom's leaders apparently thought I was a long shot, and they were only willing to spend so much on me. They might be right. Expecting Kazuma to drop everything on the basis of a letter was asking a lot, leaving aside how much freedom he had to begin with. Probably not much if just delivering the thing was going to take some kind of fantasy ninjas to manage.

But we had to start somewhere, and this was as good a plan as any. The thing was, I had a schedule of my own too and sitting here for months wasn't on it. There's a latin phrase that always sounded cool in spy movies, quid something. If I could sweeten the pot a little, I bet I can get a better deal out of them in return.

"How long would you say it takes a courier to take a message from the further border forts to here?" I asked after some thought.

Lolisa sat up, caught off guard by the change in subject. After thinking for a moment, she offered, "Not teleporting, of course? Several days at least if they change mounts or set up a chain of flying couriers. Sometimes a fortnight depending on the road's condition, if not."

"If I told you I had a way to make that trip almost instant, without a Teleport spell or any magic," I asked in return, "Do you think I could get that letter sent by the express route?"

Lolisa's turn

I've never liked swimming, though a fair number of my clients ask for dreams near, or in, the water. Something about water tends to interfere with my illusions, for one thing.

But even with as little experience as I had, the pressure of magical might and authority from the woman across from me holding a delicately enameled teacup made me think this was what it was like to be at the bottom of the sea.

I very, very carefully sipped from my matching teacup, decorated with painted black cats and bats. "I'm glad you could join me," General Wiz said brightly, apparently pretending that refusing an invitation from one of the most powerful people in any kingdom was somehow an option. "So many exciting things are going on with you and Jiro these last two weeks! Could you tell me more about them?"

There was a loaded question, like a crossbow pointed at my heart. Translation: What under the spheres is he up to, and why has he been asking for tools that are basically made of money? Not expensive money, just copper, but still. His request for several dozen meters of copper wire and another kilo of it and zinc in coin size discs had been good work for the city's jewelers and alchemists, though they'd been more than a little confused about why he needed any of it.

"Of course, milady General. How may I serve?"

The lich brushed away my attempt at a safe level of politeness. "Oh no need for that, Wiz is fine! It's just us here, nothing official."

That was reassuring, I guess. "Of course…Wiz. I don't totally understand the details myself, but Jiro says he has a way to send messages across long distances without magic or a messenger."

The general's eyebrows seemed to rise to her hairline, and I couldn't blame her. Powerful magic users could of course Teleport a messenger, and had a way of sending each other short messages directly too. Meanwhile, courier beasts and familiars had been around for practically all of history, as had signal fires or smoke signals. But the first was rare and expensive, and the others were either slow and/or had a real chance of being lost. If his idea could sidestep even some of those problems, it could change everything.

"That's amazing, I can't wait to see how he does it!" Wiz exclaimed. "Do let me know if there's any way I can help."

"Thank you, I'm sure he'll meet your expectations," I replied. He'd better, for both our sakes.

Wiz set down her cup and took a cookie from the tray between us. "I'm happy to hear he's keeping busy, how are you both settling in?"

"Well enough. He only needed a sleep spell on the first night, and we've both learned the castle layout much better." There was not going to be a repeat of our first day together, no matter how well it worked out in the end.

"Oh my, so he asked for dreams from you already?" Wiz asked, faintly blushing. I almost believed she was flustered until I remembered who she really was. Generals didn't become generals if they didn't have both raw power to spare and political skills to match.

That said, I had been hoping he would ask by now, which hadn't helped my professional pride any. I cleared my throat and looked away. "No, just the sleep spell. I know he's attracted to me, even after I explained how we work. But I'm not sure he's comfortable enough for more. I hope he does soon."

"Oh that's adorable, I wish you both well. He seems like such a nice boy, it would be a shame if you let him get away."

I stiffened despite myself. I didn't need anyone to tell me how important this assignment was, and I'm a very good succubus, thank you! If I needed to I could have him wrapped around my fingers in one night, and he'd never look at another woman again! But I wouldn't, because we also needed him to be functional, not a useless addict, and that took time! And I wanted him to be more than just 'functional' because he deserved better than getting his mind broken over someone's knee for being willing to help us.

Some of my frustration must have leaked out though, since Wiz gave me a sympathetic look. "Men are so contrary. I had my share of troubles as a younger woman too. There's nothing for it except to keep trying," she shrugged sadly, taking another sip of tea.

"So true, Wiz. And when you live as long as we do it's even more true. So few options." I wasn't acting when I sighed in disappointment at the way of things. If not for quite the same reasons.

'Understood, general,' I grumbled to myself. As if I wasn't trying to turn him to us already! Well it could be worse. I had been trying to maneuver him into taking the lead, since it would make him less suspicious, but I could be more aggressive.

Men generally liked a little chase, but not many of them were that attached to the idea.

Jiro's turn

I, Jiro Sato, am a man with problems.

The one I'd been grappling with for over a week had me leaning against the stone wall behind me, eying the table in front of me with a frustrated growl. The tangle of wires, cloth squares soaking in dishes of saltwater next to stacks of zinc and copper discs, and the wooden contraption hooked to it all didn't seem to care.

Given this was a world where vegetables walked or, ancestors preserve us, flew. Where some fish (but not all!) grew in fields. And where monsters that shouldn't exist roamed the land, I couldn't help feeling a little grateful for that.

I pushed off the wall and started tinkering again. If I could rig one of the piles into the middle of the line somehow, maybe with another electromagnet that worked a switch…?

Someone knocked on the door, followed by Lolisa sticking her head in.

"Do you mind if I duck work with you for a while?" she asked. "I just came from meeting with General Wiz and I could use a break."

"Sure, too much lace and pastels for one day?" I chuckled, looking up from my project. With all the kindness in the world, the general decorated like somebody's grandmother.

Lolisa flinched. "No…well just between us that too. But I'm just not used to dealing with someone that important. Before I met you the closest I ever got to anyone that high up was seeing her highness at the head of her army leave the castle once, along with everyone else in the city." She sighed. "It's exciting, actually being someone a little bit important and all. But it's exhausting too."

I nodded absently, still winding wire around the iron core. "They picked you for the job for a reason though, right?"

"Yeah, I'm good with people. Humans I mean," she said, her tone not so much a boast as a statement of fact. "I even like most humans, at least when the priests aren't trying to burn me," she chuckled nervously. "I spent enough time living in Axel to know they're no worse than anyone else."

I might've asked if that had really happened, though it seemed like something I probably shouldn't pry at, but she strode over.

"Come on. You can't stay in here all day," she said, taking my arm and guiding me out of the workshop. "Want to try that orcish stuffed pepper stand by the west gate I told you about?"

I allowed myself to be towed out the door. Not least because she was probably right and staying in here stewing was going to be a waste of a day, and a change might shake loose an idea. And also because, being honest, a cute 'girl' wanted me to go out with her. Why argue? Though going out might be a stretch, playing a good hostess for me was her job after all.

"Won't say no to that. You know, I wonder if that's what orcs really eat, or if it's like the spaghetti napolitan back home and real orcs wouldn't touch the stuff?"

Lolisa frowned in thought. "Actually? I don't know? I never thought to ask."

"You think there might be a secret menu if you want the real thing, otherwise you just get the outsider trash?" I chuckled as I closed the door behind us.

"I think if as a couple of non orcs we asked we'd probably still get the outsider version, just maybe dressed a little differently to mess with us. But let's ask anyway, it'll be a fun memory for when you go back."

I paused for a moment, then shook my head and kept walking. "Yeah, it would be. Nobody would believe me, but what the hell?"

The idea of going back to Japan…I didn't know what to think about that. Not that I hated my life there, besides being more than ready to move out of my parents' house. But I had friends, if not a girlfriend, since Kaname and I wouldn't be going to the same college after all. Hobbies, and generally things I'd like to get back to. A life, basically, even if it might be a lot more boring than my fantasy world vacation.

Of course, once I was out in the world on earth I'd have to figure out what to do with my life for real. Watching my parents gave me a good idea of what I didn't want, but besides that…

A nudge from my hostess brought me back, I looked over to find her looking up at me in concern.

"It's nothing, just…"

She pouted up at me accusingly, and I reminded myself even if she couldn't actually read my mind, she could come close.

I shook my head. "I hadn't actually thought much about it. I guess I do need to figure out what to do with myself. Not what my parents have done with their lives for sure, but besides that…" I shrugged. "I wasn't lying in the interview with the generals as far as what I plan to go to school and study. But where do I go from there? Stay in Japan? Work for a big company overseas? Go for broke and try to build a startup?"

Lolisa frowned herself, still holding my arm but looking away as she spoke. "Not to make your decision any harder, but you would have a place here too. It doesn't sound like you're particularly excited about any of the options you have in your world." She paused again in thought, then tugged me to a halt by the side of the road. Fixing me with a serious stare, she said, "What if you were able to see how all your choices play out?"

I gave her a confused look. "Like fortune telling?"

"No, we do have some diviners here but I'm not one of them. I mean you could live out a day in each of your choices in a dream."

"I…" I wasn't quite sure how to say 'I thought your dreams were all fetish porn', but she slapped my arm with another pout.

"I don't have to get you off, a dream can be about anything! Just write down as much as you can about each choice and I'll let you live it out. Though…if you want to add a little spice that's fine too!" she said with a cheerful grin.

"Glutton," I sniped back. "You know…let me think about that." I hummed, turning over the idea as I started walking again.

Once we got away from the palace, the streets leading off the central square were arrow straight to each of the main gates. Lolisa had explained the first day that during an attack the garrison would muster in the square, and then could be dispatched to whichever gate or part of the wall was threatened by the shortest route. Off of those main streets were more the twisty warrens I halfway expected from a fantasy city. Not too narrow, apparently the standard was that a pike or lance held level had to be able to clear the walls of the buildings to either side. But I'd hate to drive a freight wagon down them with this many people walking with us. I knew that by Japanese standards this city was tiny, but they packed in tight enough to remind me of videos of Tokyo.

We went most of the way to the west gate along the artery street, then cut over onto the smaller one leading to the plaza where several food carts were parked. Around the plaza were several businesses, I saw a tailor's and a leatherworker's as I glanced around. Given the sheer number of body types and unusual body parts in the city, those poor guys must have had a terrible time trying to keep people clothed.

"Two Belzerg's tongues with lemon and rice!" Lolisa called as we walked up to the stand, I jerked back to her, belatedly noticing the line had moved up while I'd been rubbernecking. "And could you answer an argument for us?" she asked in a quieter voice as she handed over the coins. "How close is this to what you'd have back home?"

The orcish woman wrinkled her snout at us, "Well, my grandma made this for me as a sprig, so it's just about exactly what I have at home! At least when I can stand to smell one more pepper after a day of cooking them!" she laughed, motioning us in closer as she handed them over, she whispered "But my mother always said grandma got the recipe from a Belzerger when she was on the Arcanretia campaign as a sprig herself, and that's where the name comes from. Make of it what you will," she chuckled, and motioned us off to serve the next person in line.

We unwrapped the wax paper as we walked, just enough to take a bite of the definitely tongue shaped peppers, oozing a bit of cheese and some sort of chopped meat from inside. I'd decided when I got to this world that as long as the meat was good I didn't need to know exactly what it was, so I kept eating as we walked back towards the arterial street.

"Good pick," I said after swallowing. "Is it me or are the peppers kind of meaty too?"

Lolisa grinned back, wiping a bit of cheese from her lip. "Right? I heard about this place from one of the chambermaids and had to try it. My thanks for escorting me, good sir." She did a neat half turn to bob a curtsy towards me on the move, which took a little doing on cobblestones.

I laughed. "Milady is too kind. If she talks about anywhere else let me know, that was good."

We went back to the workshop, where I found my project waiting for me just like I left it. Seeing that, I gave a grim sigh and started fiddling with some bits of wire and an iron rod to see if I could get another magnet made.

Meanwhile, Lolisa stayed, letting the door swing shut behind her as she stepped lightly around some of the scraps on the floor near the tables. I'd need to sweep in here it looked like, again. Now that I thought about it, I wasn't actually sure what she did when she wasn't with me. Checking in with her superiors once in a while was part of it I'm sure, but I'd been getting more curious over time since I couldn't seem to find a pattern to her visits. She seemed to come and go on some schedule of her own, sometimes for a few minutes, others for over an hour. Though I was always sure to see her if we were going somewhere or for meals.

"You've been busy, any luck?" she asked, brushing off a space on a bench against the wall to sit before looking around once she was comfortable.

I shook my head, trying not to take out my frustration on her. For heaven's sake, building a wet battery and a telegraph was practically grade school science fair level, it shouldn't be that hard!

"About where I was. Which is to say it works fine if the person you're talking to is already in shouting distance," I admitted, tilting my head at the clicker hooked to the other end of the wire on the far side of the room. "Anything more and I need either way more power, or some way to boost it in the middle." Frowning down at the table for a minute, I made a decision I'd been avoiding. An idea I'd discarded before was coming back to me now, and I was frustrated enough to try it.

"Say, you have magic, right?"

She nodded. "A little. Mostly illusions, some of the Intermediate spells, and of course my innate skills."

"Have you got lightning?"

She tilted her head curiously, probably wondering where I was going with this. "I do, but I'm not very powerful. You need a lot of practice with a spell to be an expert, and my people aren't much for combat. Why?"

"That's perfect. I think I need to come at this from the opposite direction. If we want enough distance to be more than a cheap trick I need either a way bigger set of batteries, or just give up and use magic." I gestured her over to the sending key by me as I unhooked the battery leads, at first about to wipe them dry then thinking better of it and handing them over still damp.

"Hold these, then channel just the tiniest bit of a lightning spell into them."

Nodding nervously, she took them and frowned down at them. There was a loud 'clack!' from the clicker at the other side of the room as the magnet energized.

"Ok, stop and wait a second." There was a click as she did and the magnet arm swung back down, and I hastily tied in more wire, more than doubling out the amount between them.

"And again."

She did, and the clack sounded.

"One more time," I said and tied in everything I had, scraps included.

And once again, the receiver clacked strongly.

I let out a 'HA!' and raised my hands up like I'd scored a goal. "That's way further than I've managed with the batteries! I think we're onto something. I was hoping to build something you didn't need any magic for, but at this point to hell with it! I didn't think anyone could hold back attack magic enough to not blow up the whole rig, or I'd have tried this ages ago!" I turned to her and bowed. "I owe you an apology. You might have just turned this toy into an actual tool."

She grinned back, still holding the wires, and did a little happy shimmy standing there. She opened her mouth to say something, probably at my expense for doubting her. But then the wood around the wire contacts started smoking, and small flames licked out as I got a whiff of scorched wood.

'Lightning' quick, the succubus squeaked and dropped the wires, hastily conjuring a stream of water onto the clicker across the room while I doused the key with the bowl of saltwater, scattering zinc ore and copper discs across the table as I knocked over the battery pile by accident.

"Ah…" she said, blushing and bending over to retrieve the wires, handing them back while refusing to meet my judging gaze. Smoke and steam drifted around the room. "Maybe I'll just get us a mop…"

After we cleaned up the mess, she took me out for celebratory beers at a tavern just outside the palace.

"So Lightning works, but now we have the opposite problem," I said glumly after we toasted our partial success. "It's attack magic after all. You want as much power in as short a time as you can get, not a long, steady stream. Can you rewrite it?"

She started shaking her head as soon as I said it. "No way! Lots of people know a little magic, but it's all pre-made. The number of people who can make brand new spells...even Archwizards don't build their own spells," she said slowly, clearly thinking something over. "Most of them anyway."

I was pretty sure I knew where she was going with this. "You're thinking about General Wiz, right? You did say she was some kind of legend once. Think she knows how to build spells?"

"Maybe. If she doesn't I'll bet she knows someone who does," Lolisa said firmly. "I'll send her a message tonight. Let's say she does. What then?"

It was my turn to think, draining part of my mug. "In that case, it's really a matter of just scaling everything up. Longer wires, and thicker wires to handle the extra power, figuring out how to string them so they're out of the way. How to protect them so they don't corrode like bare copper will." I shrugged. "Nothing huge, or that needs any special knowledge. Just time, money, and work."

And after that, with my credentials established, maybe I could get enough freedom to get what I actually came here for done and get on with my life.

————————————————————————————————————————-

Naturally, it wasn't quite that simple. Generals don't just pop in the next day to a random workshop on the word of someone with no achievements to their name to rain money on their science fair project. Even ones as seemingly nice as Wiz. In the meantime I got to work finishing the other part of what would make this more than a toy.

I do not, and never have, known Morse code. On the other hand, that just meant we had to make our own, and the next few nights involved a lot of scribbling on papers and the occasional argument.

On the appointed day, Lolisa and I packed up what we had so far, and set it up in a conference room at her convenience a few days later.

"Truth," Lolisa said firmly while we waited.

"- .-. ..- - …." I tapped out, and after checking it against the list we wrote up she nodded.

"Dare," I said in reply, picking up my own list.

"-.. .- .-. ." She followed suit on her set, and I grinned over the table at her. Testing done, I fiddled around nervously, rewetting the cloth squares between the battery discs and making sure everything was good and tight. Not that it wasn't after the last two checks, but still…

Not long afterwards, the general breezed in, trailed by an aide.

"Well, I'm pleased to see you both once again! I'm told you have something to show me?"

"Yes, general. This is a model of what we've been working towards. If you'd be so kind, would you please write out a short message? Any message will do." Lolisa asked, handing her a quill pen and a pad of paper. I'd need to see if anyone was working on fountain pen nibs if I stayed longer, quills were taking some getting used to…

Eyebrows raised, Wiz did so and handed the pad back. Lolisa then started working the key, and the clapper on my side began its steady tic-tack. I copied it down as it came over, then walked back with the completed message to compare them.

"How far does it work?" Wiz asked quietly on looking both over, for the first time I'd seen her grave, deadly serious expression matching what you'd expect from someone her rank.

"This model? Across a large room. That's what we wanted to ask you about, ma'am." I answered levelly, reminding myself to look her in the eyes. Not just for the two obvious reasons, I had noticed they were much more western in how they locked gazes with me than I'm used to. "The concept works but we need a better way to power it. We tried using a Lightning spell and it works, but it's way too finicky to be safe. And these," I gestured at the wet batteries, "would need to be gigantic. What we were hoping is you could design a spell that can do what they do, but bigger. A steady current over a long period rather than a big, sudden jolt all at once."

Wiz gave Lolisa an impressed look. "I wouldn't have thought Lightning could be cast gently enough to avoid turning this into kindling. Well done!" She turned back to me, and nodded. "Of course, it should be no trouble. I assume an Intermediate spell will be enough? Perhaps one hundredth of the Lightning spell but spread over several minutes to send the message?" At our nods, she said "I should have one ready in a few weeks."

"That should be perfect. Thank you," I bowed, and meant it wholeheartedly. Plenty of time to hand this off and let them get the logistics set up. I was just starting to think about how I'd phrase my request when Wiz started talking again.

"Of course I'll be delighted to see the finished project. When can you do a bigger demonstration? The other generals will want to see it in action I'm sure!"

'Well, that made sense, I guess. Still, I could…' I thought, slightly annoyed but not totally surprised.

"And of course you'll need an assistant to help oversee everything! Especially one who can fly, to check where the wires across the city need to go better…" she trailed off suggestively, glancing at Lolisa then clapping her hands in 'realization'. "But I'm sure your lovely assistant would be happy to stay on!"

Lolisa nodded and smiled, "Of course, General."

'Well, I guess there's no problem having her around as I put together a much bigger dog and pony show,' I thought a little more desperately. I liked her and she was the only other person who knew how to run this thing at all…

"And of course once that's done you'll both be the obvious choices to train people to use it! I'm sure you'll have plenty of time together!"

It was then, seeing my last chance to bail out of this project slip away, that I realized the true horror of Mom's frequent excuse for missing one event or another growing up. 'The reward for doing a good job is usually another job.'

Chapter Text

Iris' turn

I saw Kazuma off as usual before making my way to my morning training.  Once there, I had my first surprise of the day.

Captain Mitsurugi was a regular fixture in the yard, as all the officers were.  Komekko, however, was not.

Bemused, I halted well out of the way to watch.  Superficially, the captain should have an easy time of this, the reason frontline classes existed was to screen wizards and priests from being rushed while they cast wanton destruction. 

That said, the Crimson Demon Clan's all but official motto was that rules were made to be broken.

The pair seemed to have just started, neither had any marks on them and the fight was still in the feeling out phase.  Komekko hadn't summoned anything, of course.  But she was also seemingly restricting herself to Intermediate Magic, using it to harry the swordsman and keep him moving, too busy parrying or dodging to try to close the distance.

For his part, he wasn't using his relic sword Gram, but a common practice sword off the rack. 

The received wisdom for a front liner taking on a wizard was to close the distance as soon as possible, and he seemed to be following it to the letter.  A dash skill took him most of the way to his opponent in one blur of motion, but not quite enough to put him in sword range.

A wizard of perhaps half Mitsurugi's weight even out of his armor had no business grappling with a knight, and Komekko was no fool even if she sometimes played one for effect.  She leapt back and to one side at the last moment, though that in turn put her up against the boundary of the practice ring. 

"Good reflexes, but he's got her," I muttered, despite his slight mistake in judging how quickly she could get out of the way, Komekko had nowhere to go and she didn't seem to be doing much to his armor, limited as she was.

The knight charged up another dash, taking a fireball on his pauldron as he ducked to shield himself.  It wasn't enough to break his line of sight to her, as Komekko tried to use the momentary distraction to maneuver out of the corner she found herself in he launched into another sprint, not a Dash skill like before but nearly airborne between lunging steps. 

But not completely airborne, so Komekko spread a layer of ice in his path, forcing him to slow somewhat to keep his feet.

This bought time for her next move, a lightning bolt crackling against his armor.  Surprisingly for intermediate magic, the grounding spikes in his boots seemed to have trouble discharging the bolt, the nimbus lingered longer than it should have and apparently numbed one side of his body.

The lingering effects of the bolt may have slowed the knight, but he still reached her with a good turn of speed and a working sword arm, not surprisingly Komekko appeared to panic slightly at the nightmare scenario for any caster class. 

Still, she slipped to his weaker side, possibly with a movement skill of her own or simply leaning on the shockingly good stats her clan was blessed with, narrowly avoiding his swing. 

Too close for a spell without risking backwash, she tried to work around his weaker side in a series of dodge and lunge exchanges as he in turn tried to bring his weapon to bear.  Finally she seemed to judge she had clearance enough, or that she was unlikely to get more, and let off a Flash spell to blind her opponent for a critical moment.

 Lunging forward, she aimed at a gap in his armor between two plates and discharged another lightning spell, numbing his other leg and sending him crashing down in a clatter of metal.

The knight refereeing the bout called the match at that point, an excited babble from the watchers starting immediately as she helped drag Captain Mitsurugi back to his feet.

"Well fought.  If his highness had been wrong about ice interfering with your lightning defense I probably wouldn't have managed," Komekko said brightly, dusting herself off with a quick wind gust.

"Perhaps fate shall decree my victory another day, Miss Komekko.  I shall have to devise a counter," the swordsman agreed, shifting his weight once his helper released his hand to get feeling back in his legs.  "And perhaps induce his highness to help test it," he muttered too softly to hear, with a wry twist to his lips.  Apparently not as magnanimous in defeat as he was pretending.

Komekko agreed to a follow up match, and exited the yard to appreciative clapping from the knights and questions about exactly what she had done.

That bit of my morning entertainment finished, I proceeded to my own exercises before retiring to my working chambers.  There I was met by two faces, one familiar and one not.  Neither of whom seemed to be bearing good news.

"I suppose having the whole morning be as entertaining as the last hour is too much to ask, out with it," I gestured to Rain first, assuming the brunette woman dressed as a thief beside her was here at her behest.  Given the generous figure and endowments she possessed I would have thought her far too memorable for clandestine work, though I could hardly claim any expertise.

"Your majesty, I fear I have troubling news about Sir Kazuma," Rain began stiffly.  "Over the past days I received reports of him leaving the palace unattended."

I frowned at her in confusion.  "Kazuma certainly isn't a prisoner, if he wants to go into town that would hardly be a problem."  Given his new notoriety he should really have escorts, though I was the last person who had any right to criticize him for shaking them off from time to time.  Not that that would stop me from reminding him that a well placed dagger was no respecter of fame or rank.  The opposite, really.

Rain shook her head.  "Apologies, I perhaps misspoke.  I mean to say that he is making efforts to leave surreptitiously, which is what attracted our attention.  When we were unable to follow him, we called upon a specialist to track him despite his Lurk and Escape skills."  She took a deep breath, and pressed on.  "They followed him into the Riverside borough, where we found he was meeting someone at a series of locales of…dubious persuasion."

It took me a moment for her meaning to break through my instinctive denial.  I believed Kazuma was more than happy with our impending marriage!  To think he was…I didn't know what to think. 

Political arrangements do of course exist, but a marriage of convenience is a business contract, a separate rite from a marriage born of love.  The first might well have provisions such that the couple could do as they pleased so long as a legal heir was produced in good time, but the other was far more stringent.  For as tightly as the ties of liege and vassal might bind, to invoke the holy might of Eris to tie one's flesh and very souls together is closer still.  And with divorce a right granted to both parties without, much, prejudice, breaking vow is accordingly far more heinous than treason, a crime no mortal contrition can redeem.

I couldn't help wondering who it could even be.  Obviously not one of the servants, since I made sure to assign no nonsense matrons. Outside of them his circle of everyday female acquaintances isn't large… 

Komekko was a laughable candidate.  I'm not sure if she even has any interest in that area, and furthermore Kazuma is perhaps quite rightly terrified of her.  Though if he claimed she forced him into it I might well believe him. 

If it was Sylphina I would cheerfully skin him, even if he weren't my intended, for dallying with someone as innocent as she atop the insult to extended family.  Though her smothering tendencies seemed to put him off, so that was most unlikely as well.

Leaving…Megumin.  Whom he does seem to get on well with and might consider exotically interesting, despite being perhaps even more dangerous than her younger sister…

I left off my considerations since Rain was continuing, and forced myself to listen despite what felt like a part of the world crumbling away. "Furthermore, we have finally determined the person he has been meeting so clandestinely is none other than Captain Mitsurugi."

The image the juxtaposition with my previous thoughts created took me aback for a moment, before sanity reasserted itself.  "They can barely stand one another!"

"So we all thought, but they have been meeting regularly since your betrothal was announced."  Rain placed the, admittedly somewhat poor given the lack of light and small camera used, magic photos backing her claims before me.  "As such we seek your will on our next steps.  Miss Melissa was present and can answer any further questions your majesty might have."

I barely heard her, intently staring at the photos before me which did in fact seem to bear out her accusations.  Finally, I looked up at both of them. "None about the photos, as such.  You were unable to determine what they spoke of?"

"No, your majesty.  Even a small camera made getting close difficult.  My Lip Reading skill could only catch parts from the position I was forced to use," the thief admitted. "I couldn't make any sense of what they were saying from it."

The angle of the photos bore that out, between that and the hood one wore and the hat of the other none of them were full face shots, though their identities were clear enough to those who knew them well.       

It was possible their meeting was entirely innocent, though damnably unlikely.  If that were the case, then none of their attempts at secrecy would be necessary.  The prince consort and a captain in the royal guard meeting openly would draw little comment.  Even those who knew they were hardly on friendly terms could easily assume a desire to mend fences and smooth the rough edges off a future working relationship. 

Painful as it was to admit, I actually preferred adultery to this.  Infidelity would be disastrous to our marriage but not necessarily to the kingdom at large.  Perfidy and treason very well could be.

"Then that shall be our next step.  We need iron clad proof.  Nothing less will suffice."

Rain nodded, but Melissa frowned.

"Go on if you have reservations," I prompted.

"Then I ought to say that getting that proof is going to take some doing, your Majesty.  Getting a decent angle on their faces for those pictures was tough.  Seeing enough for my Lip Reading to work is gonna be even tougher without them noticing me."

"Can you do it?"

She thought for a moment, then nodded. "Yeah, as long as I don't need to point a camera at them.   But that's the other problem.   Against two bigwigs like them, what's my word going to be worth, about where they were or what they said or didn't?"

"You are likely correct.  Any accusation backed by your testimony will have that objection raised." I touched a hand to my chest. "Mine on the other hand, will not.  That is my next question.  Can you get us into a position where we can follow their conversation unnoticed?"

"Your majesty, I must question if that is necessary!"  Rain burst out, but I held up a quelling hand to her to wait for Melissa's answer.

"I…suppose I can make something work.  But you have Lip Reading, your majesty?"

"Not the skill, but I can, yes.  Curious little girls left to their own devices learn all sorts of interesting things to keep occupied.  It has been a boon at soirées over the years."

"'Left' to them," Rain replied dryly.  "I'm sure that is precisely how your Majesty remembers it."

"Indeed.  As to why take the risk," I turned to answer Rain, "Because there is a larger problem.  If one of the captains in my guard is potentially plotting, then the next question must be how much of the guard is actually mine at all."  Her lack of surprise told me she had come to that realization herself, but I carried on over her next likely objection. "Any movement against someone who has held our trust for years, and more so against someone whom we have just spent tremendous effort raising as a hero worthy of bringing into the royal line, must be unimpeachable.  There can be no room for doubts or uncertainties.  The damage will be bad enough as it is without anyone being able to point to our actions and cry foul."

"Some likely will regardless," Rain said softly, and I could only shrug my agreement. 

"Some would dispute my saying the sun will rise tomorrow.  But that needs to be the level of proof we strive for as we grasp hold of this and tear it out by the roots."

And when I did, may Holy Eris rain her blessings and mercy upon those two fools, for I would have none.

————————————————————————————————

It was raining the day I received word that Kazuma was on the move again.

Dramatically appropriate, and useful in that our plain gray hooded cloaks of uncombed wool would draw no attention as we entered the tavern a few minutes behind our targets.

True to her word, Melissa managed to place us with a clear view of both their profiles, apparently without their knowledge.  Though I like to think my experience changing my appearance during my days trading places with Rizlet wasn't completely unhelpful either. 

Our drinks came, and I focused my attention on the pair without obviously staring.  It took me a moment to start deciphering their conversation, though with her Skill Melissa was able to right away.  Judging by the way her face went chalk white, the jitters in my gut were well justified as I...

"- then twist and nibble.  You have to be careful about introducing that though, because some girls love it, but others will stop you right then and tell you off.  Like I said last time, it's a matter of communicating what she wants and what you want," Sir Kyouya said. "Otherwise, it's just going to be awkward until it isn't."

"Fine, fine.  And 'learning about sex from porn is like learning how to drive by watching car chases.'  Got it."  Kazuma grumbled, taking a pull from his drink.  "That'll be a lot of help next year maybe.  Not so much right now."

Mitsurugi chuckled.  "If there was a magic secret I'd have sold it and made a fortune by now.  It's just…"

I had to look away and bite my lip, not entirely  out of embarrassment.   For all Claire's efforts to make my upbringing as refined as possible, I  wandered enough army camps incognito to sample the soldiers' mood that this wasn't my first time hearing talk about how to bed a girl.  Being the girl in question was new, only the boldest would boast of what they wished to do to the queen even in camp gossip, but that wasn't why either.

It was taking everything I had not to cackle like a Crimson Demon out of relief that I was wrong after all.  That I wasn't going to have to drag a man I'd grown to love and another on a good day I respected before my judgment and that of their peers.  Destroying everything I hoped to build tomorrow, in a potentially vain effort to save the kingdom from destruction today.

I glanced over at Melissa, finding she had her face resting in one hand covering her eyes, the other mechanically bringing her mug to her lips.  Sensing my look, she winced.  "If it pleases your Majesty, I'd prefer a sword for my execution," she muttered.

I snorted softly.  "I believe it best for everyone we pretend none of this happened.  Though I believe your previous fee should cover monitoring their next few meetings, just in case."

Melissa slumped in relief.  "That it will, and then some."

We stayed for a decent interval after they finished and left, then returned to the palace.  Besides the memory of some mediocre beer and a preview of what Kazuma might be trying out in the future, I was left with a question on the way.

Given he had the goddess of the church of libertines inside his head on a regular basis, I had to wonder why he bothered with all this sneaking around at all?  Surely Aqua could tell him everything he could possibly want to know about female anatomy and its practical applications?     

—————————————————————————————————————————-

Now, months later, once more I had two women delivering bad news about Kazuma to me.  This time I doubted I would have the same good fortune.

Komekko was frequently a menace, when she wasn't a gremlin, but the times she wasn't being either usually managed to outweigh them. I hoped this would be one of them as she and Claire waited for me in my office, seated at a small table..

"Good morning to you both, one hopes," I began, possibly as an example of wishes over experience. 

"And to yourself, your majesty.  Though I suspect this will not be one of  them,"  Claire replied in confirmation of my fears.  "Archwizard Komekko received this message from her 'friends' last night."

"Bethandrelina said she's never seen a message marked for delivery to the palace at all cost.  Nevermind directly to Kazuma's hand,"  Komekko began, nodding at the opened waxed paper envelope sitting between us.  The two sheets inside had been checked over as a matter of course.  "So she decided to cut out the middlemen and send it here directly."

'Beth', being one of Komekko's succubi was, if not suborned, certainly not loyal to her supposed master.  Ordinarily she would merely pass on where the message was going and from there the kingdom's security would find an excuse to investigate someone who clearly needed looking into. 

Under other circumstances I might have chuckled at her creative interpretation of her instructions, but I had already begun reading the cover letter written in the demons' script.  The other page was covered in what looked like the writing I saw everywhere in Kazuma's world. 

It was in short a ransom letter.  Very nicely worded, I couldn't fault the author there no matter how much the contents made my blood boil.  Essentially in return for his brother's continued treatment as a guest of his majesty, Kazuma was to provide any and all information he has access to and work to sabotage any further projects he might undertake.

"One thing I couldn't help but notice,"  Claire pointed at the unreadable page presumably from this Jiro,  "The line work is excellent.  Even the fountain pens that recently started appearing aren't so uniform."  She chuckled ruefully.  "I had a mind to ask his Highness if he had a hand in those.  I might owe him thanks for the time he saved me not sharpening quills."

I should have noticed myself, I spent too much time staring at paperwork not to.  I stood, gesturing to them to wait a moment, and retreated into our private chambers.   In Kazuma's chamber there was a small writing desk, with a selection of the usual utensils and a mug that served him as a pen holder, including one of the new fountain pens I noted.  I quickly found what I was looking for, a pen he brought with him from Japan and still used on occasion.  

Returning with my prize, I pulled the note across and scribbled in one margin.  Besides the color being blue versus black, the line looked identical.

"I feared as much,"  Claire sighed. "I shall have one of his highness' countrymen translate the message."

"Why not give it to him directly?"  Komekko asked her suspiciously.

"In case we decide it best he not know," she snapped. "There could be absolutely anything in that letter, from a description of a pleasure palace to the vilest torment. I wish no ill upon his brother, however there is nothing we can do for him!" She visibly wrenched back under control and went on, "But, now that we know about the plot, we can turn it to our advantage.  We do it often enough other times."

Heart warmed a little at that show of compassion for Kazuma, I nodded agreement.    Feeding false information to a known spy was a tricky game, though often a lucrative one.  But…

Somewhat regretfully, I shelved the idea.  "No, honor often has little to do with statecraft, but practicality should.  An authentic sounding reply would certainly require Kazuma's cooperation, and I fail to imagine him playing games with his brother's life."  I touched the bell on the table, and told the footman who entered to find my fiancé posthaste. 

After he left at a trot, Claire replied skeptically, "Demanding his highness turn his coat is likely someone letting greed get the better of them, I suspect.  If so, this seems a great deal of effort for securing a hostage.  This Jiro would certainly have valuable information, but enough to outweigh that?"

"He might," Komekko spoke up, surprising both of us.  "Not saying he does, I don't know him either.  But Kazuma had good things to say about him, once you translate it from 'big brother.'  If he's able to do even some of what his big bro did, we might have a problem."

I had met Jiro, if only briefly, and he hardly struck me as the sort to volunteer for another world's war.  Kazuma had also mentioned his brother a few times since, and the impression he gave was a poor fit for the risks and uncertainties of an adventuring lifestyle as well.  A stolid, but capable, man rather than his own impulsive, 'minimum energy' ways combined with flashes of brilliance.

That said, here he was, willingly or not.  And Kazuma himself, between his martial feats and his contributions in fields from culinary to logistical to possibly even stationery, stood as evidence that with time and resources his brother might be very dangerous indeed.  Perhaps enough to tip a balance that was finally in our favor into a rough parity once more?  Who could say, perhaps even to their advantage?

It was all the more pressing to find out what was in that other letter, and I prayed to Eris she lent Kazuma speed in his return.

AN:

This chapter ran long, so it's going to be a two parter. 

This arc is also where my long running love of spy thrillers, including far too many Tom Clancy novels at an impressionable age, got to come out to play. 

Bonus feature

The goddess in my head was throwing popcorn at her screen.  I still wasn't drunk enough, yet, for that to make sense.

"…and for heaven's sake, nothing ruins the mood like getting to business down there and then she starts flinching and complaining because you forgot to trim your fingernails, or your mustache feels like sandpaper!"  Kyouya said sternly, driving his pointer finger into the table for emphasis.

"Kazuma~!  Make him go back to the cute relationship advice!  I want to hear more about how he leaves Fio flowers on her pillow before she wakes up on the week of their anniversary, not this icky mortal stuff!" Aqua demanded, blowing a raspberry at my drinking partner while winding up another toss.  

I sighed and took another drink, tuning out her whining as best I could.  'Deal with it, unless you don't want cute babies on your channel next year,' I reminded her sharply.

"Fine~," Aqua pouted.  Picking a popcorn kernel out of her tousled bangs, where it had apparently landed after bouncing off the screen, she popped it in her mouth before combing through her long blue hair looking for more and devouring them as she went. 

Kyoya had told me, many, many times, how much he respected and admired the goddess who sent him here and gave him his life's work.  As payment for his advice, I decided I'd take what she was really like with me to my grave.