Work Text:
timaeusTestified [TT]
began pestering
undyingUmbrage [uu]
TT: Hey.
TT: So.
TT: God, I don’t even know how to start this. And now I feel like I’ve already made it awkward, even though you usually don't answer messages I send, outbound.
TT: But just in case you see this, I...
TT: Guess? I need to get some stuff off my chest.
TT: Which probably isn’t even fair.
TT: What use is it if I’m just sitting here on a fucking roof, typing out all this text that you might not even see for days?
TT: Fuck, for so long, I didn’t even know for sure that you were alive.
TT: But I know you are. I know you talked to the others.
TT: They weren’t happy to hear from you, and I had to just stand there and pretend I was just as disgusted as they were, knowing they’d heard anything, that you’d messaged them.
TT: I couldn’t tell them.
TT: You and I both know why.
TT: Those guys couldn’t understand.
TT: I don’t think anybody does, really? Just you and me.
TT: At least, I thought you understood. But I’ve never been very good at saying what I’m thinking, and talking to Dave has helped me realize some shit, to say the least.
TT: I should’ve told you all this years ago.
TT: You deserved to know, and it was my own goddamn cowardice that led to this shit.
TT: This whole...
TT: Fucked up situation.
TT: But you saw it all unfold, didn’t you? That’s how Jane made it seem, anyway. That you found a way to watch our session.
TT: Like you used to watch me, back in the day.
TT: It’s hard for me to think about how long it’s been.
TT: Five months feels like forever.
TT: It hurts my feelings, you know?
TT: It hurts to know that you’d message them, but not me.
TT: But I can’t even blame you. Not after the way we left things between us.
TT: I was being a fucking asshole to you.
TT: You were excited about your art and I told you it was shit and you didn’t deserve that from me.
TT: And you were even trying to thank me and I cut you off and dismissed you.
TT: I realize that now. I get it. I get how much of a dick move that was.
TT: I just want you to know I’m sorry.
TT: I really am.
TT: I’m fucking abysmal at just telling people how I feel, because it’s always so much easier in the short term to deflect the whole thing, handwave it like it doesn’t even matter.
TT: You deserved better than that and I fucked up.
TT: I’m really sorry, dude.
TT: I fucking miss you.
TT: I feel lame as fuck for even typing that out, and I couldn’t even tell you why.
TT: Why should that feel lame? Why should I be angry with myself for thinking that?
TT: I hate it.
TT: I hate this.
TT: I hate what I did to you, and I’m trying not to hate myself so much anymore, but it’s so fucking tough.
TT: I miss you, and I miss talking to you.
TT: I miss you being awake with me when I can’t rest, and when my hands hurt from doing robotics shit all day.
TT: I miss knowing you were watching me, from wherever the fuck you were at.
TT: I miss drawing ridiculous fun shit for you.
TT: I miss those times I’d space out on Derse at my keyboard, and wake up to see grey text waiting for me in my shades.
TT: I didn’t think I’d ever take your fucking font for granted.
TT: I hear you’re using a different hex code now? Some kinda green.
TT: Nobody wants to show me their logs, though, and if I ask too much about it, people are gonna wonder.
TT: I can’t even tell them.
TT: I can’t tell them that you’re my best fucking friend.
TT: I can’t let on that I’m sitting here with my fucking stomach eating at itself for how much I want to see even a scrap of a capslocked insult, just because it came from you.
TT: It’s not fair for me to dump on you like this, either, and I know that. It’s not fair to have you as a captive audience.
TT: I know how much you hate color-coded walls of text.
TT: So mea culpa, I guess.
TT: Fuck.
TT: I probably sound awful and clingy.
TT: More than anything I wish I’d said something while we were still in touch.
TT: It’s hard to go from talking to you every day and then... just fucking radio silence.
TT: I keep wondering what it is that I did wrong. I’ve found a thousand ways this is all my fault, that my own idiocy is what drove you off.
TT: I treated you like shit at the end, and all I want is for you to give me a chance to make it up to you.
TT: You mean a lot to me.
TT: I wish I’d been honest about that from the start.
TT: I’m just so fucking relieved you’re not dead, dude.
TT: Jesus.
TT: When we didn’t hear from you, I thought everything had failed.
TT: I thought she’d won, somehow.
TT: Or god, that I'd fucked up the construction and you bled out because of me.
TT: That you were fucking dying because of my outdated engineering skills.
TT: I thought I’d never talk to you again.
TT: It was fucking impossible to hide that from the others. I was fucking despondent and couldn’t tell them why.
TT: They thought it was from seeing myself beheaded. That was Jane’s guess, with her sleuthing and all.
TT: I couldn’t just fucking drop that bomb on them.
TT: “Oh yeah, no, seeing my decapitated head was cool, no biggie. I’m just afraid you guys’ best friend killed mine, is all.”
TT: I still have no fucking idea what I’m going to tell them.
TT: I have to, at some point. But I don’t know if I’ll be ready.
TT: How can I be? How can I own up to that?
TT: “Yeah, it’s chill, I was batting for the other team the entire time. Haha, not THAT team! Well, that one too, but mainly the one with the guy you hate!”
TT: But I’d do it, you know?
TT: I’d do it. I’d do it, and never look back.
TT: And I already did, didn’t I?
TT: Fuck, I’m just vomiting by way of this keyboard.
TT: I’ll wrap this up, then.
TT: None of this is fair to spring on you when you can’t even respond. Now I just feel like I’m using your message window for my own catharsis, and isn’t that goddamn selfish?
TT: Fucking shit.
TT: Uh.
TT: The main thing here, if I can finally just stop running my mouth and get to the goddamn point already.
TT: The main thing is that I care about you so much, man.
TT: More than I ever knew how to tell you, and I want you to know that.
TT: And when you come back, if you wanna talk to me, I’d... really like that.
TT: I like having you around.
TT: Well, fuck, that’s not a good way to put it, actually. That makes you sound like some kind of fucking accessory, or some shit like that.
TT: You made me really happy.
TT: I hope I made you happy, too.
TT: So if you still feel like it, after this embarrassing confession of bullshit, you can hit me up.
TT: Y’know. Only if you want.
TT: Which I hope you do.
TT: So, uh.
TT: Later, I guess? Hopefully?
TT: Um.
TT: Kinda weird saying goodbye when I’m the only one typing, and I don’t know if you’ll ever see this at all.
TT: But I didn’t get to say goodbye to you the first time, either.
TT: If you don’t want to talk to me again, and I’d understand why not, then goodbye, and thank you for being my friend, while that was a thing.
TT: It was a real good thing.
TT: And... I’m gonna go, before I get even sappier here.
TT: Bye.
TT: Just for now, or maybe forever?
TT: Whatever you want it to be.
TT: Goodbye.
timaeusTestified [TT]
ceased pestering
undyingUmbrage [uu]
undyingUmbrage [uu]
began jeering
timaeusTestified [TT]
uu: WAIT.