Work Text:
I.
Chan is sitting alone in the middle of the dance practice room, sunlight pouring in through the closed window. He should be preparing for the upcoming evaluation, practicing his choreo while the other members are rehearsing the song, but his body is too tired to move, so he’s stuck looking at dust dancing in the light.
Suddenly, the door slams behind him and the mellow stupor of the room shatters to pieces. Chan turns to look and sees Hyunjin stomping toward him, his face in his palms.
“Hyung,” his voice is small and on the brink of a long-suppressed breakdown. Hyunjin sinks to his knees beside him, and Chan, stumped, slowly puts his hand around his slumped shoulders.
“Hyung,” Hyunjin sobs and Chan feels his heart shatter into small pieces. “I’m so sick of him, I can’t…”
Of course it’s Han again. Ever since Hyunjin had been added to their trainee team, the two haven’t stopped fighting. And it’s difficult for everyone, but especially for Chan who loves both of them, who sees both for their unique talents, and who has to be an impartial leader despite that — how is he supposed to make them understand that they are stronger together? That the insecurity they feel is only a product of the harsh trainee environment and that fighting each other will do nothing to rid them of it?
Now, with Hyunjin sobbing in his arms, it gets even more difficult to stay neutral. “What happened?” Chan asks softly, patting Hyunjin’s hair.
“He said that my rap is the worst out of everyone on our team and that I’m delusional if I think that my pretty face alone will let me debut despite that.” Hyunjin mumbles into Chan’s collar. “And I don’t think like that at all, and I know it’s not great, but I work so hard and it’s just not getting better, and…” He grabs the front of Chan’s shirt and breaks out into more violent sobs.
“Hey, hey,” Chan calls gently, hugging Hyunjin. God, Han sure knows how to dig at others’ sore spots. He’s a good kid, a great kid even, but until someone learns to handle him and redirect his destructive nervous energy and anxious arrogance into something more humorous and light-hearted, they won’t be able to make it as a team. Clearly, Chan is not succeeding at it so far.
“I know he can be a lot, yeah,” he smooths his palms over Hyunjin’s back. “And it’s not that your rap is bad, okay? Sure, you can work on diction, but that’s not the problem, really. You’re just lacking confidence and it comes across as lack of skill, even though that’s not the case.”
Hyunjin lifts his reddened face to look him in the eyes. “But how can I be confident if I know he’s going to make fun of every mistake I make?”
“Don’t think about him.” Chan takes his face in his hands. “Think of me. I’ll always believe in you.”
Hyunjin sniffs and then a small smile breaks out on his face. He lowers his gaze to his hands laying in his lap.
“Phew, hyung, you sure know how to be sappy.”
Chan laughs and playfully hits his shoulder. “No better confidence boost than your leader believing in you,” he says, tone heavy with sarcasm.
“Yeah,” Hyunjin looks him in the eyes again, unexpectedly sincere. He looks so open and vulnerable like that. His eyes are puffy from crying but now there’s something like admiration? sparkling beneath the surface.
“Yeah,” Chan finds himself staring, unable to look away.
They sit looking at each other for a few long moments, until Chan startles and jumps to his feet.
“Want to run your rap by me? We can see what’s not working and it’s going to be better by the next time you perform.” Chan gives him his hand.
Smiling, Hyunjin takes his hand and props himself up. “Let’s go.”
II.
Once the initial thrill of their debut subdues, their life goes back to normal but, at the same time, changes completely. They still practice every day, and produce, and dance, and sing, but now more often than not they are required to do it on camera. It’s a strange feeling, to be watched all the time, to have to play up your personality for games, interviews, videos, but it’s what he signed up for, so Chan doesn’t complain. Even when he has to pull through the last two schedules of the week on sheer willpower, not having slept a wink the night before, he does anything but complain.
This isn’t exactly new for him — he’d had trouble sleeping even back in his trainee days, used to staying up in hopes of producing something that will make him stand out among the rest. But now that his dream of debuting has finally come true, the grind hasn’t stopped. He still pulls all-nighters, sometimes accompanied by Changbin or Han, and prepares concepts, lyrics, and track ideas for their comeback. What’s really different is the addition of various interviews they have to give, and the added pressure of having to translate and guide the conversation in each one.
Now is one of those rare times he wishes he didn’t have to do it. He looks around at the members sitting around him on high chairs, fanning themselves with whatever’s at hand. It’s the last interview of the day. He really needs to power through. Put on a smile, focus, lead the conversation, focus, don’t fall asleep, don’t fall asleep-
“Here,” a vague figure appears in front of him, handing him something. Chan blinks, then blinks again until his vision becomes less blurry, and sees a cup of coffee in Hyunjin’s extended hand. “Can’t have you fall asleep on us.”
Chan smiles and takes the coffee, though lifting his hand from his lap feels nearly impossible.
“Thanks, but I’m really fine.”
Hyunjin shoots him a pointed look, raising his eyebrows.
“Oh stop it,” Chan chuckles, downing the coffee like a lifeline despite his words.
“You know,” Hyunjin sits down next to him in Minho’s vacant seat, “I wish I knew some English so it wouldn’t be so hard on you.”
Chan can’t find it in himself to tell him that his English is the least of his problems, so he just smiles and shakes his head at him. “You know some already.”
“I want to speak to you in your language. But I only know what Felix taught me. Hello, my name is Hyunjin,” he says with an adorable accent and gives a little wave. Something affectionate washes up in Chan, something he can’t pinpoint just yet.
“What else would you like to know?”
“Well, how do you say pabo?”
Chan laughs and tells him. They go back and forth, and the world around them fades into white noise. He can barely hear Changbin yelling in the background, the maknaes annoying each other, or Minho and Jisung laughing at something on Han’s phone. Chan even manages to forget about his tiredness, all worries pushed to the back of his mind, until Hyunjin unexpectedly leans in, taps his hand, and asks:
“And how do you say saranghae?”
Chan’s mind goes blank. His face starts to feel hot, heating up to the roots of his hair, but before he can answer, they’re being called to their places. Hyunjin squeezes his hand and gives him a private smile before walking away.
Suddenly, Chan wants to teach him all the English he knows.
III.
The studio is empty, except for him. He can’t tell how many hours he’s been in here — it’s evening, he knows that much — but the track he’s working on is no closer to being finished than it was a few hours ago. He listens to the topline that Han had sent to him again, trying to come up with a background melody, when he feels a tap on the shoulder.
“God!” He jumps. The surprise is so much that he’s startled back into his default settings, which are, apparently, being a loud Aussie.
“No, just Hyunjin,” Hyunjin replies in English and drags a chair to sit beside Chan.
“God, you really scared me,” Chan huffs and checks that he hasn’t accidentally clicked on something in his music file, then saves it just in case. “What’s up?”
Hyunjin looks at his arrangement in awe. “That looks so cool.”
“It’s going to be our title track,” Chan shakes his head at the colorful sound tracks filling his screen. “But I still have so much work to do…”
Hyunjin frowns and caresses his back.
“Can you show me our song?”
Chan pulls up the file with Danceracha’s unit song, untitled but with an almost finished melody. “Here, look.” He points at the tracks on the screen. “Here’s where we’ll put that topline you sent me, and here will be the verse and the pre-chorus. We just need the lyrics now to make the final adjustments.”
Hyunjin nods and pulls out his phone, “Yeah, that’s actually why I came. I finished the lyrics.” For some reason, he looks hesitant and doesn’t meet Chan’s eye.
“Great! Can I see?”
“Chan, I don’t know…” Hyunjin fumbles with something on his keychain. “It’s kind of a lot.”
“What do you mean?”
Hyunjin sighs and hands him his phone with the Notes app open. When Chan starts reading, Hyunjin sighs again and hides his face in his hands. “It’s way too much.”
And yeah, it’s definitely a lot, Chan notes as he looks at the lyrics. But when has it ever been a bad thing?
“I think it’s great.” He muses with genuine amazement. “What’s got you so worried? I think these lyrics will go perfect with the melody we got.”
Hyunjin takes his hands away from his face and looks at Chan, his face adorably pink. “Isn’t it a bit much, though? Won’t they find it too provocative?”
“I think they’ll be fine,” Chan huffs out a laugh, remembering the reaction to ‘Red Lights’. “It’s not exactly some uncharted territory.”
“Yeah but, this one is…” Hyunjin shakes his head, eyes glued to the floor. “It’s too me, you know?”
So that’s what’s been bothering him. Chan gets it, he really does — pouring your heart into songs, writing what you really feel, especially at first, feels like cracking your heart open and letting the world feast on it. It’s too open, too vulnerable, makes you want to shut off, pull all the locks and never face another human being again.
But it also makes for the best songs. And some people — especially ones like Hyunin — deserve to be heard more than anyone. Even if they need a little push to do so.
“Yes, it’s very much you.” Chan looks at the lyrics again and then at Hyunjin. He takes Hyunjin’s hands into his own.
“And that’s what makes it amazing, jagi.”
Hyunjin blinks at him a few times. Then he inches closer and gives Chan a small but grateful kiss that Chan can’t help but smile into. A moment later, Hyunjin moves away with a shy smile.
“Well, would you like to produce it together?” Chan asks, and Hyunjin’s face lights up. He pushes his chair closer so that their knees are flush together under the table.
“I was thinking about the title for it,” Hyunjin says, back into his creative mode, no hesitations this time. “I think ‘Taste’ would be a good one.”
Chan feels pride swell somewhere under his lungs and can’t wipe off a stupid smile as he renames the file from ‘Danceracha B-side’ to ‘Taste’.
Now, standing at the side of the backstage, Chan questions all his life choices. The song has just started but he can’t tear his eyes away from the three of them on the stage.
Hyunjin had forbidden him from seeing the choreography before the first show, insisting that it should be a surprise, so this whole performance was created by Minho, Hyunjin, and their choreographer, and Chan doesn’t know who to blame more for the way fire spreads around his gut.
All three of them are mesmerizing, moving in sync to the steady beat of the song. All dark silhouettes against the strong stage lights, their movements sharp and sensual.
But Chan can only look at Hyunjin. Even from the side, he looks ethereal. Bathed in light, he doesn’t just move along to the beat — he embodies the song, all its harmonies and meanings palpable in the curve of his body and the powerful movement of his legs. The confidence is oozing off of him, and he shines like the brightest diamond, and, for the millionth time, Chan thinks that Hyunjin truly belongs on the stage.
Chan thinks that he wants to show him off to everyone.
Chan also thinks that he wants him all to himself.
“Hello-o?” A hand appears waving in his face. “Earth to 3Racha, hello? ”
With a start, Chan notices Seungmin trying to get his attention and suddenly becomes aware of the others’ presence around him. He sees Han standing beside him, looking completely dumbfounded, his mouth forming a small O and his eyes still glued to the stage. And Chan wants to laugh at him, he really does, but he also gets it. So he turns around and finds Changbin also staring, though with a slightly less compromising expression.
Chan shakes his head really, really hard to get rid of thoughts that he’s definitely not supposed to be thinking during their concert.
“Yes, Seungmin-ssi.”
Seungmin gives him a puzzled look, then nods at something backstage. “Don’t we need to prepare for ‘Maniac’?”
And then, the usual buzz of the concert takes over, all costume changes and fan interactions. Everything’s the same, even if every time Chan closes his eyes, he sees Hyunjin arching his back in the projector light.
IV.
Later that day, Chan is in their hotel room, still working, though the workday has been over for many hours already. He’s so tired, the colors of the tracks all morphing into one, but he can’t sleep until he finishes at least a draft version. Unfortunately, he can’t seem to come up with a good enough idea for how to tie it all together, though the deadline for the new title track is looming just around the corner. So he pushes through, and forces his fingers to tap on the keyboard, one note at a time.
Hyunjin exits the bathroom, drying his hair with a towel. “You’re still up?” He asks, though not with much surprise in his voice.
Chan hums in response, making another change in the track. Suddenly, warm hands envelop him from the back. It feels nice, so he hums again. Then, even more suddenly, those hands sneak around his, click ‘Save project’ — damn him for teaching Hyunjin how to work this program — and close his laptop shut.
“Huh?” Chan looks up at Hyunjin in shock, but only gets a sweet smile in return. Then Hyunjin is lifting him up from his chair — since when did he become so strong? — and tosses him onto the bed.
“What are you doing?” Chan asks, incredulous, leaning on his elbows.
“Making sure our leader is alive to see our next comeback,” Hyunjin lies on top of him, pinning him to the bed with his weight.
“Well the fate of our next comeback depends directly on whether your leader who’s very much trapped under you at the moment can finish the song that you’ve so kindly closed.”
Hyunjin takes his hands. “Well the fate of my love life depends directly on my leader not dying so no more work for him tonight.”
“Hyunjinnie,” Chan whines. “Come on, there’s just a bit left.”
“We can finish it tomorrow morning.” Hyunjin is unyielding. “I’ll help you.”
“Just a little bit!” Chan tries his best to make puppy eyes.
“No.” Hyunjin says with finality. Chan almost accepts Hyunjin’s victory. “Stop thinking about it, I see the tracks swimming in your eyes.” He takes Chan’s face in his palms. “Think of me instead.”
Chan sighs in defeat and brings his hands up to hug Hyunjin and looks at him — really looks at him — for the first time this evening. His face is handsome, as always, but there are lines of worry creasing his forehead, and he hates to think that Hyunjin is worried because of him.
“Why the long face?” Chan asks, caressing his cheeks.
“Come on, no more work today,” Hyunjin complains. “No leader shit. I want my hot boyfriend back.”
Chan laughs. “No hot boyfriend here,” he says, waving at himself. Because he really feels that. Like any ‘hotness’ he might have on the best days is forever buried under tons of tiredness and insecurity.
Hyunjin does not look impressed.
“I’ll kill you and they will never find your body.”
Chan hums, considering his threat.
“Maybe you shouldn’t spend so much time with Minho.”
Hyunjin rolls his eyes at him.
“If you say you’re not hot one more time-” He slips his hands under Chan’s shirt and grabs onto his abs. “Should I show you all the edits I've saved? Or the photos? Or maybe the drawings?”
Chan blushes at the memory of the drawings Hyunjin had gifted him. It’s too much, really. He hides his face in his hands.
“You’re the most brilliant, genius and handsome person I know.” Hyunjin continues, gently taking Chan’s hands away from his face. “And you need to rest so that you can feel it too.”
He kisses his eyes, tender like a touch of butterfly wings. Then he cups his face again and gives him a soft, electrifying kiss, slow and gentle, until Chan is melting into his hands.
“And you need to know how much you mean to me.” Hyunjin looks at him with something that is definitely love in his eyes. “Please let me show you.”
And for the rest of the night, Chan feels like he's a bit closer to finally learning it.