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Cold droplets of rain beat down against Rei’s face as he sprints down the empty, gray street. It’s as if the world is slapping him, slapping him and telling him how absolutely useless he is in that moment, how useless he’s always been.
Miri groans and cries from within his arms, and he tightens his grip around her. Quickens his pace even though the burning in his calves makes it feel as if his legs might give out at any moment.
It’s cold. And wet. But that doesn’t matter because Miri was sick. Miri was in trouble and Papa’s were supposed to be there to save their kids but he has absolutely no idea of what to do. He’s never done this before. He’s never done any of this before.
All he can do is hope Kyutaro-san would know what to do. He’d be able to help Miri. She would be okay if he could get her to him.
Rei nearly slips in a puddle but quickly steadies himself, continuing on as fast as his legs are able to carry him, blinking the droplets of rain from his eyelashes so he can see.
Rain… rain, it was bad to be out in the rain without an umbrella or coat, wasn’t it? Couldn’t you get sick from that?
He thinks back to when he’d taken Miri to daycare earlier, how she’d been wearing shorts and a shirt more fit for the summer. He thought it would be fine since she’d be inside once she got there, but now that he thinks about it, those clothes weren’t warm at all. She didn’t have an umbrella either, and while she’d been wearing a raincoat, those weren’t warm. They were designed just to keep the rain out and nothing else… he thinks.
He thinks. He thinks, he thinks, he never knows. Was it normal to know things like this? It must be, right? What was normal?
Kazuki would know. He knew how to deal with everything, knew so many things that Rei couldn’t wrap his head around. He would know how to help Miri.
Dammit… why did this have to happen when you were gone? What do I do?
Relief builds from within his chest when the entrance to Yadorigi comes into sight. Miri would be okay. She would be okay, if he just got help from there-
When the view of the cafe becomes clearer though, something immediately feels wrong. No lights are on, it’s completely dark, and when he finally looks to the window a small sign greets him. It only has one word, but that word is enough for all the hope he’d been feeling to shrivel up and die.
Closed.
Rei blankly stands there as rain continues to pelt him from seemingly all angles, like cold bullets shooting from a giant gun somewhere in the sky, hidden just beyond the gray clouds.
Panic and fear are quick to cloud his mind as he frantically looks down at Miri. Lifts her bangs to feel her forehead.
Despite the pounding coldness from both the rain and air around them she’s burning to the touch, and it’s in that moment when he truly realizes how absolutely useless he is. He doesn’t know what to do. He never knows what to do but now it’s worse because Miri was in trouble, she needed help and he couldn’t help her-
Something urgent must have come up because Kyutaro-san wasn’t here. Kazuki was also gone and wasn’t picking up his phone. The only two people he knew and could go to…
What should he do…what should he do…
Rei doesn’t know much about sicknesses but does know that high fevers were dangerous. If they were dangerous to adults, did that mean they were even more lethal to kids? What would happen to Miri if he couldn’t figure something out? Or- had her temperature risen while he was bringing her here?
He goes to check but suddenly realizes he’d left the thermometer at home. He didn’t think he’d need it since Kyutaro-san would probably know what to do.
The sudden thought of something happening to Miri, of losing her and never seeing her again, makes his heart painfully clench up. He’s never felt this way about… about anyone before, but suddenly fear grips him so fiercely he can hardly breathe.
“Papa… it hurts…”
Miri writhes in his grip, incoherent mumbles falling from her lips, and Rei frantically looks down at her. Wipes some water from her face, pulling her close to his chest and holding her as tightly as he can.
“I’m sorry… I…” His voice cracks as he holds her, trying to shield her from the pummeling rain that only seems to get stronger. It’s the only thing he’s able to do.
“Hurts…”
Knowing he can’t stand there forever, he remembers there might be medicine at a convenience store and begins running over to the closest one. He only knows where one is because that’s where he bought his cigarettes, and though Kazuki hated it and though he’d only started the habit because back then it made his life at least a little less stressful, he’s grateful for it now.
Looking down at Miri as he begins running again, though… the blanket she was wrapped in was nearly completing soaked through by this point. Running around in this weather wasn’t good for her, it was probably just making her colder.
But she was saying she was hot earlier, so maybe this cold was helping…?
He quickly shakes the thought away. No, Kazuki was always telling her to wear a coat or jacket out in the rain so if he was saying that when she was fine, it must be even worse to do if she was sick.
What should he do… should he drop her off at home and then go see if he could find medicine for her?
Even just considering it has him shooting down the option. He didn’t want to leave her alone, what if something happened? What if she got scared?
But if he couldn’t leave her alone, and if it was bad to keep her outside like this…
Letting out a rushed breath of air, Rei decides he’ll just have to keep her with him for a little bit longer. Murmurs a soundless whisper of apology laced with all the fear and uselessness he feels in that moment.
By the time he gets to the convenience store the few people around dressed in clothes fitting for the weather, holding wet umbrellas in their hands, give him strange looks. It’s then when he realizes he must look strange wearing nothing but a t-shirt and shorts carrying a little girl wrapped in a blanket.
He doesn’t care, though. Just runs up to the man behind the counter, out of breath and panicked. “Do you sell medicine here? Ones a four year old can take?”
The man stares between him in Miri with a slightly agape mouth. “Ah… I…”
Impatience makes Rei’s muscles tense, the persisting fear of something happening to Miri only making it worse. “Please hurry, she needs help.”
Nodding, the man scrambles as he looks around the shelves behind the counter. “I know we have some medicine for… what does she have, a cold?”
“A fever.”
“I know we have some medicine for that, but I’m not sure if they’ll be fit for a four year old…”
Rei nervously nods, switching from watching him to keeping his gaze locked onto Miri’s small, pained face. It hurts to see her like this when she was usually so happy, and a frown tugs down at his lips from seeing the one on her own.
“You’ll… you’ll be alright. I’ll get you some medicine,” He murmurs, gently wiping more droplets of water from her face. He can’t tell if they’re tears or just the rain, but either option makes an unbearable feeling of guilt spread from within his chest. “…Don’t cry.”
He can do nothing but anxiously wait there, rocking back and forth a little as Miri continues to quietly cry, gripping his shirt with a tiny, trembling hand.
Eventually, miraculously, the worker comes up with something, pulling it from somewhere behind the counter. “Alright, I think this is-“
“I’ll take it,” Rei immediately replies, thankful he’d thought to bring his wallet. It was one of the things Kazuki had told him he should always bring with him when he went out. That and his phone.
Quickly paying and taking the medicine with a quick word from a bystander of what was supposed to be done for a child when they were sick, he sprints back home, continuing to ignore the concerned and confused looks people give him.
Slamming the door open, he has enough mind to throw his shoes off before he goes to Miri’s room and lays her on the bed. Grabs a towel from the bathroom and starts drying her off, changing her into a new outfit as it was probably bad if she stayed wet and cold.
Looking at her now, she still shakes and trembles, her cheeks red, but at least she was dry. And if he gave her this medicine, the fever would go away. Right? That’s what medicine did, made sicknesses go away. She’d be okay. She had to be.
Rei pulls the bottle of medicine from the box and makes sure to read the instructions detailing the proper amount to give. Grabs a spoon and gently pushes it to her lips.
“…Drink this. It will make you feel better.”
Miri’s eyes blearily drift open, unfocused and hazy. Her voice is uncharacteristically small. “…Better?”
He nods. “Right. So please drink all of it.”
“…Okay.”
With that, she slightly opens her mouth and he tilts the spoon upwards to feed the medicine to her. A sound of disgust is immediately made as he does it, and he frowns in sympathy. From the few times he’s had medicine it always tasted disgusting.
At least the lack of a good taste meant it was probably doing something, he thinks, checking Miri’s temperature again as she spits and groans.
It was still higher than normal. Which was to be expected, he doesn’t think medicine was super fast-acting or anything, but he still feels anxious about it. He makes a mental note to check her temperature again later.
After giving her the medicine he isn’t entirely sure of what to do so he decides to just wait. Waits and waits, sitting by her side and taking her small hand into his. Every once in a while she complains about it being hot, so he takes the blankets off her. Just as frequently her whines meld into a cry of being cold, shivers wracking her body, and he quickly puts the blankets back on.
It’s scary, seeing her like this. He knows what a dead person looked like both after they’d died and when they were coming close to it, so he knows what to expect if there was an emergency, but…
Ah. Even just the idea of Miri dying has his eyes widening in fear. He doesn’t want that. He really doesn’t want that.
She’d… be okay, right? The medicine was helping her… right? She wouldn’t die?
It should be helping her, but as the time goes on her hand doesn’t stop shivering and shaking in his own, tears now freely falling down her face as she cries about her head hurting.
Rei once again doesn’t know what to do. Wonders if he should give her more medicine but realizes the recommended amount on the box was probably there for a reason, it might hurt her if he gave her more.
But if the medicine was working, Kyutaro-san wasn’t at Yadorigi and Kazuki wasn’t picking up his phone…
Rei goes into a cold sweat. Tries to think of what he can do, gripping Miri’s hand tighter and checking her temperature. It had only slightly gone down and was still high. Way too high. It wasn’t normal, she needed help-
And he couldn’t help her.
He does everything he can to try and do something but just… doesn’t know how. He’s never done any of this before. When he was a kid, no one cared if he got sick or not. It didn’t matter, so he’s never learned about this stuff.
Since she was hot, he runs to look for a rag to put on her forehead but all the ones he finds are dirty, he hadn’t washed any clothes earlier. Then he remembers people talking about how warm rice porridge might help when you were sick, but he has no idea of how to make it and ends up burning everything.
Rubbing circles over her forehead doesn’t work, moving the blankets doesn’t work, giving her water doesn’t work, he doesn’t know where the hospital is or how to call an ambulance, and Rei finds himself growing more panicked and scared with each failure.
Tears runs down Miri’s cheeks and he feels them welling in his own eyes as he takes hold of her hand again, burying his head into the sheets next to her. “…I’m sorry I’m so useless. I’ll do better the next time this happens, so…”
“Papa Rei… it’s so hot…” Miri whispers, and he hugs her. Her skin is still hot to the touch.
“I’m sorry.”
“…Where’s Papa Kazuki?”
“He’s gone.” Because of me.
“Papa Rei…” She weakly calls out, and he suddenly feels undeserving of the title. Feels as if he might cry. Because he couldn’t save her. He couldn’t save anyone. All he was good for was killing. That’s all he was raised to do and the only thing he truly knew how to do. Everything else was…
“…I’m sorry. You’ll be okay,” It’s what he says, repeats over and over as he holds her, but he knows he can’t guarantee it.
He was useless.
***
Rei doesn’t know how much time passes. Just knows that Miri doesn’t seem to get any better. She doesn’t seem to get any better at all, though she was at least asleep now, and he keeps a watchful eye on her face.
His attention is so focused on her that he doesn’t hear the door opening. Doesn’t notice anything has changed until a familiar voice rings throughout the house, footsteps growing louder as they get closer to Miri’s room.
“I’m back.”
It doesn’t take long for Kazuki to step into the room, and Rei immediately shoots up. Eyes wet as he frantically looks to him.
Kazuki was here. Kazuki would know more than him, Kazuki would be able to help. Miri would be okay- “Miri needs help, she’s sick-“
There’s a pause as Kazuki takes a moment to look around the room, eyes widening when his eyes land on Rei and then Miri’s small, trembling form wrapped in blankets.
His eyes widen with concern, guilt, and he runs to Miri, putting a hand on her forehead. “Shit, she’s hot. Did you give her medicine?”
“Yeah, but it’s not doing anything.”
Kazuki’s gaze falls to the box of medicine next to her bed, and he grabs it. Frustration is fast to grow on his face as he quickly takes her temperature, his back to Rei. “This is medicine for coughing. It won’t do anything for a fever!”
“I-“ Really? But the cashier had said that it would help. Did he make things worse? Oh no…
“And this room is so hot! Did you not think to open a window or something ? She’s burning up-“ Kazuki runs and throws the curtains apart, opening the windows.
“She said she was cold-“
“-She has a fever. She’ll be hot and cold but what’s most important is keeping her temperature down. Did she eat anything yet?”
As he says it Kazuki does a flurry of things, loosening the blankets around Miri, running for a damp rag (he’s somehow able to immediately find a clean one) as well as getting her more water, and Rei feels worse. Guilty. She… she was supposed to eat something?
“I… tried making rice porridge, but I-“
Worry strains over Kazuki’s face as he runs back to Miri, putting the damp rag on her forehead. Worry and irritation. “You what? Burned it?”
“I…” Rei trails off, looking away. “Yeah.”
“There’s rice in the fridge already! Why didn’t you use that?”
Was that what was in those covered bowls? “I didn’t know-“
“You didn’t know.”
Kazuki’s voice is accusative, disappointed, and Rei shrinks in on himself. Because it’s warranted. He couldn’t do anything. Instead, he had to wait until someone else came and did it for him. Even when it came to helping his… his daughter.
Daughter… did he even deserve to think of her in that way? Would she even want him to after today?
Kazuki quickly leaves the room again before coming back with a small box, sitting next to Miri and still not looking at Rei as he opens it. His voice is low. “…We had medicine here the whole time. Why didn’t you use it?”
They…did? But hadn’t all the ages on the boxes been too old? Or… did he not check all the places medicine could be? If there had been more drawers…
The awful feeling in Rei’s chest only grows as Kazuki gently pushes Miri’s lips open to give her the medicine. The proper medicine, because Rei hadn’t even been able to get that right.
He stands in the corner of the room before deciding to come closer, thinking he should at least try and help. As soon as he steps closer, though, Kazuki finally looks at him.
His red-brown eyes are both angry and disappointed, and he holds out a hand to stop him from coming any closer. “Stay over there.”
Rei looks at Miri. “But I-“
“You’ll just get in the way. Seriously, how can someone be so damn useless? It isn’t that hard, you’re not a little kid anymore! Why does someone have to do everything for you? Our kid is in trouble, and you just-“
Useless.
Useless. Useless. Useless.
The words pound against Rei’s head, repeating as if someone were looping a recording in his mind. Loud and ugly, it blares against his ears, against his brain.
Useless.
Silently, he moves to the back of the room. Out of the way, like he deserved. Kazuki was right. He wouldn’t be able to help anything.
He keeps his gaze on Miri’s pained face as Kazuki fusses over her, doing all the things Rei should have known to do, the things he hadn’t done. Watches as he runs to the kitchen and heats up the rice, quickly making porridge and slowly feeding it to her as she slowly chews, half awake.
Aside from Miri’s cries and Kazuki telling her it was okay, that she’d be alright now, the room is silent. Tense. Rei doesn’t want to leave yet, though. He wouldn’t until he saw she was better.
It doesn’t take long. Kazuki knows what he’s doing and eventually Miri’s eyes dry, her temperature beginning to go back down, and Rei takes that as his cue to leave.
Relief washes over him so powerfully it nearly knocks him off his feet but he manages to walk away, shaking a little, feeling as if he doesn’t deserve to be feeling relieved because it’s not as if he’d done anything. In fact, all he’d really done was make things worse, hadn’t he? Ran around in the cold rain with her. For no reason, too, because the medicine hadn’t helped at all in the end.
Walking to the bathroom, he closes the door behind himself and sits down in the bathtub. Wraps his arms around himself, pulls his knees to his chest.
Useless.
***
After tucking Miri in and checking her temperature one last time, satisfied when it’s mostly back to normal, Kazuki decides to go try and find Rei, feeling a little bad for yelling at him.
Rei… it’s frustrating, because he knows he’s trying his best. It’s just, his best wasn’t enough. What if he hadn’t come home? What if Miri’s fever only got worse? What then?
He doesn’t know everything, but from the few bits and pieces Rei has told him about his childhood he knows he shouldn’t blame him so harshly. The way he grew up, in a kill or be killed life… he didn’t know how to function outside of that.
Hell, one of the main reasons Kazuki had moved in with him was because he was so hopeless in looking after himself. It was partly because he needed somewhere to crash, yeah, but also because he was… worried. Worried about his partner, who was stupidly skilled at his job but horrible at literally every other thing in life, besides maybe video games.
After Miri had come into their lives he’s definitely noticed an improvement, and he was proud of him for that, but at the same time…
Sighing, Kazuki steps into the living room, expecting Rei to be there playing his games or something. When he doesn’t find him there he checks his room, frowning when it’s just as empty.
Checking the rest of the house, the final place he thinks to look is the bathroom. It’s where Kazuki knew Rei felt the most safe, for some reason or other. It’s just… he hadn’t thought he’d go there now…
Clearing his throat, he knocks on the door. There isn’t any light from beneath it but he could still be in there. “Rei…? Are you in there?”
A long pause. So long he almost doesn’t think Rei’s there, assuming he might have gone outside or something (even if it seemed almost unbelievable with how much of a shut in he was) But the there’s a small grunt of response.
Just a grunt, nothing else, and Kazuki sighs. “…I’m sorry for yelling at you earlier. Can I come in?”
There isn’t a response this time. Silence, at least, wasn’t a no, though. So he hesitantly pulls the door open, surprised to find it’s unlocked but a little relieved about it as well. If Rei really didn’t want to talk he’d have locked the door. At least, that’s what he tells himself, anyway.
It’s dark, and Kazuki flips the light on. Looks around and quickly finds the small figure of Rei hugging himself, hunched in the bathtub.
Rei slowly lifts his head up when he hears the door open, and it’s then when Kazuki realizes the extent of how terrible he looks. His eyes are slightly puffy, hair a mess, and Kazuki suddenly feels terrible.
He doesn’t know what to do, so instead he just stands there, gazing down at the tired blue eyes that seem so unbearably sad. “…Hey.”
Rei looks down. Wraps his arms tighter around himself. “Hey…”
When he makes no move to continue talking or to get up, Kazuki lets out a breath of air. Climbs into the cramped bathtub until he’s sitting right in front of him, nudging his foot with his own.
“I really am sorry for saying you’re useless. I know it’s not your fault.”
Rei still doesn’t look at him. Just fiddles with his shirt, so Kazuki leans in closer. Takes his face into his hands and gently moves his head so he’s facing him.
It’s a habit he’s fallen into after dealing with Miri for so long and he doesn’t really realize he’s doing it until after the fact, but it works just as well. Rei’s eyes flick up to him, though his voice is still nothing higher than a mumble. “…Your hands are cold.”
“Yeah, well your cheeks are colder. You should put a jacket on.” He pinches his cheeks a little as he says it, and Rei bristles, trying to pull away.
Kazuki can’t help but smile a little as he continues pinching them. But then Rei lets out a low, defeated sigh. “…You’re right.”
“Huh?” About the jacket? It would be a good idea to put one on, but from how sad he sounds Kazuki has the feeling that isn’t what he’s talking about.
He’s proven right when Rei continues. “I really am useless.”
As soon as he says it Kazuki quickly shakes his head. “And I’m telling you you’re not.”
It wasn’t Rei’s fault he was raised in a shit house and didn’t know how to interact with people. It wasn’t Rei’s fault he didn’t know how to look after himself properly, let alone a sick four year old.
Though he could be better, Kazuki wouldn’t blame him. Because he himself could be better, too.
Rei doesn’t seem to hear his words. A blank look washes over his eyes, as if a thin film actively keeping the light out. “Miri only got sick in the first place because I brought her outside in the rain. I thought she had daycare today.”
Again, frustration flares up, but Kazuki pushes it down. Rei wasn’t the one who usually took Miri to daycare. He’s never gone to a regular school and his work schedule has always been all over the place with their line of work, so he wouldn’t know weekends were off days.
“That isn’t your fault. You’re not the one who gave her a fever, are you? You didn’t control the rain or ask the sickness to infect her, right?”
“But I…” Rei’s voice begins to shake. “Miri was in trouble and I didn’t know where the hospital was. I don’t even know how to call the police or an ambulance. I gave her the wrong medicine, and what if you hadn’t come home and she got worse? What would have happened?”
At that, Kazuki freezes, feeling guilty. He’d needed time away from everything, just for a little, and it had been good. He’d learned to let go of the past a little, to move on.
But if he hadn’t come home… if he’d stayed out for a little longer, chose to spend a night at a hotel… Miri’s fever got better quickly, but what if it hadn’t? She could’ve-
A worried look must have spread across his face because Rei just shakes his head, eyes growing uncharacteristically wet. Face wracked with emotion. Guilt. “You’ve realized it, right? I couldn’t do anything. Miri could have been hurt, and I…”
He trails off, lip trembling in the way it always did when he was overcome with emotion, and Kazuki swallows. Leans forward and pulls him into his arms, trying not to think about the bad things that could have happened. What matters is that they were okay. Miri was okay.
Rei shakes in his grip, his arms limply hanging at his sides. “…I don’t want anything bad to happen to her.”
Kazuki gently holds the back of his head to pull him closer, fingers curled in his dark hair, along with keeping an arm wrapped around him. “Nothing will. She’ll be okay.”
“…I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I don’t know what to do. I never know what to do.”
“…Hey.” Kazuki pulls away a little so he can see Rei’s face, heart breaking a little when he sees how absolutely lost he looks. “Even if it’s annoying sometimes, it’s okay to not know what to do. If you’re that worried, I’ll teach you, okay?”
A long pause, before Rei buries his head into his shoulder. “I don’t know if I’d be able to learn everything. There’s so many things that I just…”
“And I’ll teach you all of them. No matter how long it takes. I’ve had some practice with a certain someone, so it shouldn’t be that hard to teach you things. I can only do that if you let me, though.” His voice grows serious. He wanted him to know this. “…But you’re not useless. Alright?”
A pause. But then Rei starts to shake even more, finally raising his arms to tightly wrap around Kazuki, as if he were afraid to let go. “…Alright.”