Work Text:
368: To Lose What Wasn't Yours
Contrary to popular belief, Watanuki has noticed and continues to notice. He knows how Shizuka Doumeki felt and continues to feel about him. Watanuki merely chooses not to see it and for a time during their high school years, he succeeded evading it. But as his powers grew while he lives in isolation with little human contact except through his customers, Watanuki found that it's been getting more difficult to ignore the immensely deep and strong bond between himself and the other man. He could barely look at Doumeki without his heart caving in itself like quicksand sucking the rest of the broken pieces. Sometimes he wished Doumeki wasn't so damn stubborn and loyal to a fault. Sometimes he wished Doumeki didn't care so intensely about him.
Ah, wishes. Watanuki was careful about these fragile things now especially when his wishes about Doumeki were somewhat false. Deceptive, like the rest of their routine charade has become in the last six years. He didn't actually want Doumeki to go away, to stop caring about him, to find someone else to return his affection. A small yet existing selfish part of him would admit from time to time that he is grateful, eternally so, that Doumeki has never abandoned him, that he consistently visits and protects him…even from himself. Watanuki hasn't been as prone to self-harm as before, but that too is false.
His greatest self-harm is denying what he had felt for Doumeki for such a long time, that by the time he realized the extent of his feelings towards the other man, he has already made an irreversible choice that doomed him. The choice has made him unworthy of Doumeki. The other man deserves a person who is completely devoted to him and not someone as transient and self-absorbed as a dream seer who never ages and may never die.
So Watanuki deflected every opportunity to think about how he feels when Doumeki sits close to him and eats the meal he cooked, tries very hard not to memorize every detail of him like his pale brown eyes, his sturdy body, his long strong fingers, his scent, his unsmiling mouth…the way he gazed back at Watanuki; unflinching with an unquestionable look of assurance and dignity...the hint of a smirk when he teases Watanuki with a dry, sarcastic comment...the way his face glowed when the moonlight dances on his features. Watanuki tried very, very hard not to see though it, but the clarity of it all cuts through the haze.
For both their sakes, safety and sanity, Watanuki purposefully and with conviction, tries not to fall, fall, fall and drown in the painful truth that he has been in love with his friend whom he used to believe he had every reason to hate. For both their sakes, Watanuki closes his eyes or looks away, hardens his resolve and pretends that Doumeki marrying Kohane is the best thing for all of them. He doesn't discourage and complain; he was supportive and brave through it all.
Contrary to popular belief, Watanuki has known for quite some time now that they've been in love but he had doomed them from the start because of a few important choices that cannot be unmade; and Doumeki respected Watanuki's decision for both their sakes, and married Kohane instead.