Chapter Text
In his dreams, Rin is hiding in the dark. He feels the concrete floor against his body, and lets his mind run a mile a minute. He is panicking, though he isn’t too sure at what. A shiver sends it’s way down his spine, his eight year old body was cold enough to hurt from the inside out. The silence of the dark was cut through only by the sounds of his heartbeat echoing through the walls. He could feel the corners of his eyes dampen: Rin wanted to cry. He hated the dark, it terrified him. When they would go out late into the night to practice, Aniki would hold his hand on the way back. It felt safe, and Aniki was always so brave, and Rin had always looked up to him. Aniki was his superhero, nothing could scare him away.
Even in this dark, empty corner, he would have held onto Rin’s hand, just as he always had. Rin kept quiet, but a thunderstorm rang inside his head. If only Aniki was here, then he wouldn’t feel so bad. Maybe, he would have found this to be just another stupid little fear. Inwardly, he curled himself deeper and deeper into a ball. Here, with his back to the empty air, and his head supported by the darkened pillars. Rin imagined that it was Aniki’s sturdy arms, imagined his warmth, and let his tears drop against the floor.
In his dreams, Rin’s tears fell like pitters and patters. In his dreams, Rin is small and weak.
When he wakes up, he hears the sound of a knock against his window. Tip, tip, tip, tap, a baby sparrow knocks curiously at the smooth glass. Rin is covered in a sheer layer of sweat, palms curled tightly into fists, and mouth dryer than cotton pads. He is breathing fast, his heartbeat is aching against his chest. Thud, thud, thud, bam.
Next, he hears a rustle. The bedsheets move, scratching against the mattress. Yoko the white cat and Jiji the black cat are sleeping together again. They look tired, but it’s normal for animals their age to always sleep. Mama told him that Jiji was already more than two-hands of fingers full of age. And anyways, cats are lazy and like to just eat and sleep and poop. Rin sweeps his hand over their fur. Under the sunlight, they looked like shiny little dustballs. Like the shards of images he sees through the morning dew that collects by his small glass window.
The sparrow is gone, and Rin has forgotten all about his scary dream again.
Rin Itoshi goes to school sitting on the left side’s passenger seat in papa’s black car, even though he gets dropped off at the right. It’s already been 25 days since Aniki left, but Rin seems to keep on forgetting. Rin Itoshi goes to school, and the kids go ooh and ahh when they see his new pink coloured bento rap. Rin asks Mama to use this for him because it was Aniki’s favorite. His bento box has small little owl shaped onigiris, and a packet of strawberry milk. He refuses to trade it with anyone else in the class.
Rin walks home alone. He has started to “people watch” along the streets, and on the Train. Before, All he paid attention to was Aniki’s voice. Now, he sits in silence and listens to the other people instead. There is an old man sitting alone on a bench. He is smoking near a dustbin, but some of the ash still gets on his clothes. In the nearby park, there are a group of mama looking women who are carrying their babies in little strollers. Rin hears one of them cry, and watches as all the mamas bend down towards the little stroller, making sounds like coo, and aww.
He walks past a store, and sees the orange flavored ice cream Aniki would buy for the two of them to eat. Rin starts to feel his heart ache, and runs as fast as his legs can carry him.
By the time he reaches football practice, coach is still nowhere to be seen. So Rin practices with a nearby volleyball he’d found on a bench. He practices his passes, his goals, and his dribbles. The field is a big, and empty green-ness. Rin looks at the sky and feels the sweat break down his forehead. Heatwaves make his vision wriggle in little, invisible lines. The salt of a midsummer afternoon makes him feel like he’s roasting alive. Even when he feels sleepy, and tired, Rin continues to play. Because if he stopped, he felt as though every bone in his body would break. He had to play, or he would have died. When he does stop, it’s to the voice of the football field’s owner. Rin hadn’t been aware of the clouds that turned a dark shade of midnight purple, nor did he notice the twinkling stars as they illuminated the night sky.
Walking on the way home, Rin felt the edges of his consciousness fade and appear like the fuzzy light from his cats early in the morning. There were no people, and so he could not “people-watch”. The stores were all closed, though there were noises still coming from a few lantern lit restaurants. There is an empty bench, and Rin realises that it was the bench of the old man he’d seen just a few hours ago. The faint smell of cigarette smoke still lingers even in the chilly night wind. Rin looks up again, and stares into the pitch black nothingness. Suddenly, Rin feels his breath catch in his lungs. His heart beat quickens like the tip tip tip tapping from before. Slowly, he catches one, two, and then three drops of rain as they land on his face. Sha, Sha, Sha. A storm overcomes his senses. Rin’s mouth, slightly agape, moves to taste the rain, as though it might remind him of puffy clouds and autumn mornings. But when he opens his mouth, all he tastes is salt. He was crying, again. Just as he did back within a foggy memory. Pitter patter, they stream down his face and into his mouth. His lips quiver. Was it from the cold? Rin wasn’t all too sure. Soaking in the midnight rain, Rin looks up and feels oh so small.
--
In four years, Rin is no longer the same fragile boy from back when he was eight years old. His body is lean with firm muscle, and he towers over all the other kids in his school. He still shares the same little fears, though they don’t seem to haunt him as they had before. Now, when he feels that aching, and bottomless black hole in his gut Rin has the urge to run. On the weekends, to the bus, down the streets, Rin lets his feet take him to all corners of the town. He’s counted all the different buildings and playgrounds. There is a little page in his journal that helps him keep track of all the sights he’s seen. His parents are ever supportive, just as they had been with Aniki. Rin spends his school days studying English during lunch, and spends his class time thinking about football. Sometimes, he goes to the stores and shops that his friends drag him too. He tries and fails to remember the names of the popular idol groups and animes. Occasionally, Rin stops by the supermarket and gets an orange icicle. He splits the two ends with himself, though it always ends up as orange syrup collecting in the plastic wrapping.
By habit, Rin still brings the same pink coloured bento wrap to school. He is made fun of on occasion, though he never really pays anybody mind. Nowadays, he eats his lunch with his right hand, and holds onto the cloth with his left. The faint smell of Aniki’s room still holds on, and Rin is comforted by the scent of fragrant roses and freshly washed cotton. It has become a lucky charm of sorts. It follows him during every other training match, and rests by his bed as he falls asleep. It is like a pair of warm hands that comfort him in the cold. Rin smiles into it on the bus to school.
Rin keeps a calendar by his table. He marks the days off with a black marker in big and bold crosses. On special occasions, he circles the date with a red ballpoint pen. This is how he tracks the days, which he does to follow in Aniki’s footsteps. He uses it to remember when his next tests are, and when Aniki will come back to visit from Spain. Most of the things he does in his day to day life bring him closer and closer to Aniki, a dream he wishes more than anything else to be fulfilled.
In his heart, Aniki is still the most important, and the most overwhelmingly greatest person in Rin’s life. Every month, he sends Rin a special postcard, with colorful drawings of bulls and seafood, and cliffs by oceans and Spanish women in dresses and hats. Rin keeps them all neatly packed into a box he keeps underneath his bed, so that on days that sink deep into the night, Rin can fall asleep to Aniki’s words and descriptions of the coastal view, and the tropical flora. He imagines standing there next to Aniki, holding his hand in his own and watching the sun turn the sea amber under it’s evening glow. He plays it over and over in his head, and is filled with a determination to work harder, to do better.
Every year, his parents bring Rin to a nearby restaurant for his birthday. This year, his father brings with him a green gift box. Rin opens it to find a small DVD player, like the ones that he sees on the signboards hanging along the tall buildings on the way to school. It is silver in color, and has a clip that Rin can use to attach to the pockets on his pants. Rin Itoshi has never really found himself to be passionate about music, but thanks his parents nonetheless. A month later, Rin receives a package in place of a colorful postcard in the mail. Inside he finds a collection of DVDs, of different languages, and different genres. Aniki tells him about his first DVD player, and asks Rin to give his favorite ones a listen. In the night, Rin lies his head against his pillow and listens to the sound of a Spanish guitar. He wonders if this was how Aniki spent his nights in Spain: alone and undisturbed. Rin learns to love the sound of music. He speeds through the DVDs left in the box.
Rin is twelve, and four years closer to once again standing by Aniki’s side.
At his age, Rin Itoshi is one of the more popular kids in his class. He is approached by the boys to play arcade games, and go around to the nearby bookstores after class, even if he usually says no. Rin itoshi is congratulated over and over again by his teachers and coaches. They tell him that with enough practice, he might even beat the records Aniki has set to this day. Rin frowns and ignores their judgmental tone of voice. No one should, and would be able to beat Aniki’s hard work, at least not if Rin could help it. During valentines day, Rin Itoshi opens his locker to stacks of chocolate and flowers. Red and pink cards detailing the romantic and passionate ambitions of the girls from his class, and the years below and above him. He gives them all away to his teammates when he sees them for football practice in the afternoon.
Rin is idolized by many, though he only concerns himself with the opinions of one person. Once, Rin was confessed to by a girl in his nextdoor class. She had shoulder length, dark brown hair and spoke with a high and airy voice. Looking up, Rin saw the heads poking out from the nearby class windows. Faintly, he heard the sounds of cheering, and a vague applause coming from a group of boys that considered him a close friend. Rin had not known a great deal about her, nor did he have many distinct opinions on how she was as a person, so he rejected her and left without saying another word.
In the afternoon, Rin has forgotten all about what happened only a few hours earlier. His friends storm up to his table, bashing him playfully, nudging into his personal space as they talk about the girl’s appearance, and how she wept after Rin had turned her down. They called him cold hearted, and cruel. They talked about all the things they would have done differently, and talked about him as if Rin had somehow been in the wrong. They left not long after, though not without leaving a sour taste in Rin’s mouth.
On his way home from football practice, Rin is listening to a song on his DVD player. The band is from England, and sings about being here, there and everywhere. Rin is holding Aniki’s cloth wrap in his hand, rubbing his thumb against the material as though feeling for it’s weight in his hands. Rin watches the evening sky purple like blotches against the orange clouds. His body aches, a pleasant numbness moving to and fro the various areas in his body. Leaning against a nearby store, Rin makes out the figures of a few boys he’d recognise from his school. Though he wasn’t too sure, Rin vaguely made out their names. They stopped him as he approached them, waiting as though too conveniently to be a coincidence.
“What do you have there, Itoshi-san?” Ikuya, a boy with jet black hair asked him. Rin looked down at his hands and brought up the pink coloured cloth in his hands. “It’s a bento wrap.”
Kento, another boy from the group, snatched it out of Rin’s hands.
“Pink? Did you take your sister’s wrap on accident or something?” he asked. Rin was confused. He shook his head.
“So it’s yours? That’s embarrassing.”
Rin felt a flare of anger pang at his heart. “Aniki gave it to me, it’s his.”
“Your brother huh…”
“...So he’s the gay one?” Rin didn’t know what the word “gay” meant. Though from the venom that seeped through their voice, he could guess that it was something bad.
“I knew it, it’s always the good looking guys that have weirdos running in the family.” Ikuya spat out, as though it was second hand nature. “Tell me, itoshi-san, does your Aniki like to wear dresses too?”
“I heard from my dad that the gays like to wear makeup and pretend to be a woman.”
“I read somewhere that the gays like to touch little children in dark alleyways.”
“Eww! Is that true, itoshi-san? Does your Aniki like to do all those dirty things?”
Rin was baffled. He couldn’t comprehend most of the things they were saying, as they were things he’d never been taught before.
“Apparently, the gays like to stick it in there. It doesn’t matter whos it is”
“What, even a dogs?”
The boys laugh.
“Itoshi-san, be careful of him, you might catch his sickness and turn gay too!”
“Itoshi-san as an Okama? That’s impossible to imagine.”
“What if we catch it too? Maybe itoshi-san is also already a gay.”
“Gross! So gross!”
Kento laughs and throws the bento wrap onto the floor. Ikuya walks over and puts his foot against it. He rubs the cloth onto the dirty pavement, as though lighting out a cigarette.
“Never talk to us again, itoshi-sae. I think I’m going to get scared of you if you come close to me again.”
Kento spits onto the cloth. They are laughing and cheering as they walk away. Rin watches as their shadows grow thinner and thinner against the setting sun, until they become thin little lines, and their silhouettes are little specs into the distance.
When he goes to pick up the cloth. Rin pinches one of it’s corners and looks at the track marks left against the striped pink pattern. He lets the thought briefly cross his mind. Was Aniki the kind of person who would do such things? Aniki was always right, and so if he was a gay, does that mean it would still be okay? Rin remembers the sneers and disgust written on all their faces. Would they still say the same things to Aniki, if he were here? Rin remembers the promise they shared, when Rin was four years younger, and still shorter and more afraid than he is now. When Aniki waved him goodbye, carrying his luggage in another hand. Rin tried to remember his face, recall his pink coloured hair, and striking lower lashes. And he worried then, if perhaps he had grown too used to Aniki to recognise all these bad habits that would make him a gay. Rin looked down again. Pinching the cloth tightly, as though wondering if he should hold it tight, or rip it apart.
He feels a nausea that overwork his senses.
Rin Itoshi is twelve years old when he asks his mother for a new bento wrap.
In another dream, Rin is surrounded by a room full of lights. Lanterns and coloured glass turn the room multi-coloured, as though he were looking through a kaleidoscope. The grass on his feet feel soft, like the fur on Yoko and Jiji. There is a circular hole in the middle of the room, one that is protected by a thick layer of glass. Subconsciously, Rin moves his hand to touch his face. Instead of Skin, however, he feels a paper like texture that is cold to the touch. Removing the object from his face, Rin is surprised to see a mask of what looks to be Aniki, or at least a somewhat decent depiction of him. Suddenly, the lights in the room flash a bright, and vibrant pink. They blind his eyes and make his vision go blurry. Rin falls to the ground, clutching the ground and closing his eyes. He starts to hear a strange voice near to the right of his head, and when he turns around, he notices a big and round eye looking directly back at him. Its teal coloured irises remind Rin of his own, and he feels its presence shake him to his core. Aniki, Aniki. It whispers. Aniki, Aniki.
Where are you, Aniki?
A voice that was once so quiet grew louder in volume, until all Rin heard was the sound of his voice. Until the only thing that he could think of was the words Aniki, Aniki, Aniki. In this dream, Rin is shaking, hitting his head against the soft grass and willing his voices to stop.
In the morning after, Rin rushes out of his bed, and throws up against the bathroom tiles.
--
In the past year, Rin has learnt about what being gay meant. And for the last few months, Rin listens to the derogatory slurs his classmates throw at the other, weaker boys in his class. Even if it made his heart ache, even if it reminded him of memories he so badly wanted to throw away. There was a boy in his class, his name was Kazumi. He was constantly bullied because of the fact that he used to be a girl. The boys would call him mean and nasty things, and throw hits and kicks at him during the hour of lunch that they had. Rin never made attempts to get close to him, even though he sat only three rows down from his chair. He was terribly afraid of what would happen to him if he’d treat Kazumi differently, and instead spent his time pretending to not care for the other at all. Sometimes, Rin would pass him in the toilets, and look at his puffy red eyes that hid behind his silver framed glasses. More often than not, Rin did nothing and kept on walking.
Two months into the school year, Kazumi is seen jumping off the 5th floor roof. Rin is a little taken aback by it, but still remains somewhat indifferent. In the days following his death, the news reporters gather around his school to ask students to talk about Kazumi. While Rin had anticipated for most of them to react rather joyously to the news, he was surprised when all the reactions were one of sorrow and pity.
“Kazumi was such a great friend”
“She was such an inspiration for all of us,”
“I’ll miss her so much, it’s such a pity that she passed.”
And so on and so forth. It confused Rin to no end. What was the point of their incessant bullying if they were going to feel so terribly bad about it afterwards? He’d still remember once, at the end of the school day, when he’d watch Kazumi get thrown around by the rowdy boys in his neighboring class. At some point, they had gotten him out of his shirt and pants, leaving him in nothing but his boxers and chest compressor. Rin had heard his screams of anguish from a mile away, and contemplated the idea of throwing a pebble at the bullies to distract them and allow him escape. However, he’d realized that he was running late to practice, and packed his bag before hurrying out of the classroom in a daze.
Not even a week later, and it appears as though everyone has forgotten about Kazumi and his presence. All that was left was the empty seat that remained empty throughout the rest of the school year. While staring off into space, Rin would sometimes catch glances from the corners of his eyes of a figure that resembled Kazumi’s navy blue hair, as though fragments of his subconscious were trying to bring him back to life. The guilt would crawl slowly up his spine, before resting comfortably in his mind for the rest of the day.
Sometimes, Rin would feel a great and burning sorrow from deep within his chest. Sometimes, he’d forget about Kazumi completely. Each day that passed was unique and distinct from the other, yet still painfully similar at the same time. Rin would listen to his DVDs and think to himself at night. Perhaps if they’d met a few years before, back before life was simple and children were still weak and clumsy, they might have been great friends. Maybe then, Rin would be able to better understand these feelings of melancholy that soak deeper and deeper into his roots. In less than half a year, Rin learnt what it was like to miss someone you’ve never loved.
--
When he is 15, Aniki comes back to visit for the last time. At the age of 17, he has now joined the professional world of Spanish football, and is known by many as a prodigy of sorts. Medals and trophies hang along the walls of Rin’s room, and he treats them with the upmost care through constant polishings and deep cleanings. Rin has not forgotten their long kept promise, and has fought hard, and diligently trained to one day fit in his brother’s footsteps. His training time has all but doubled, leaving him with a body that is idealized by many others his age. The fears he once had were but a distant memory, a whisper of a once-forgotten childhood, held in hands that were half the size of his own. They were replaced by other, larger dangers. Ones he struggles hard to deal with on a day to day basis.
He meets Aniki and is determined to show him all the ways in which he’s grown.
The sun is setting when he arrives, illuminated by an amber light that casts a shadow along the curves of his face. Aniki looks different. His eyes are darker, and his bangs are combed upwards instead of down. He tells Rin about his new ambitions, about becoming a midfielder, and about all the dreams that he gave up on.
Rin is conflicted, Aniki looks defeated.
When Aniki leaves, he leaves Rin in a pitch black darkness. The sounds of crickets are loud in his ears, and Rin feels the warm tears drop onto the outer skin of his hands. Was it a resolution? Rin swore he felt his heart shatter into millions of different fractals within a matter of seconds.
Rin is fourteen when he tears down all the shiny and polished medals that he’d hung so proudly in his room. A year further away from Sae-chan and their foolish childhood dreams.
--
In his dreams, there is nothing left. No more monsters, no more darkness, and no more light. There is only a quiet empty nothingness between the time it takes for him to sleep and wake up.
In the mornings, Rin feels numb.
--
For a brief period of time, Rin is unable to do anything. He acted as a vessel of sorts, moving in and out of his house, school and field. Everything around him is a dull grey nothingness. The colors of pink and teal and green and blue are a vague memory, Rin is as empty as his mindless dreamscapes. He hides it well, so as to not bring too much attention his way. His mother still packs him the same, compact bento box. He still ties his shoelaces on the right foot first. Rin still pretends to feel excitement, joy, and sometimes sadness. His mouth aches, his face feels tight and heavy. Like a tightrope, Rin tries his best to balance his way through the mundane life.
Not long after, Rin begins to feel a bright and searing pain. It is as though everything has been set on fire. Through his eyes, everything is covered in an amber light. Portraits, and paintings, and football fields, covered in the searing heat of a bold and violent flame. In a moment of sudden awakening, Rin sets Sae-chan’s DVDs on fire. Standing there, and watching the dusty gray clouds fill the darkening sky, Rin experiences a deep and long awaited euphoria. It is as though a weight has been lifted off his chest. When He picks up a football the next day, Rin kicks it with the force of a thousand suns. Was this anger? Was this despair? It doesn’t really matter, Rin supposed. It was hard to explain exactly what Rin felt, though it did feel as though he was tethering along the brinks of his own madness. Everything was hot, and burning, and Rin was afraid that staying still would cause him to melt. In the early mornings, Rin lets himself soak in a deathly cold ice bath. Sometimes, he swears that the delusions are starting to get to him. His muscles are screaming in pain, and yet this frozen hell is still not enough.
And eventually, when the flames are put out, Rin finds himself to be a shell of the boy he was just a few months earlier. Before Sae-chan, before Kazumi. His body is like a ball of numbness, though hidden underneath is a pool of molten lava. One wrong touch, and Rin is afraid of starting a forest fire. He wants to go back in time, and move his frozen body up from the grass field. To reach out his arms, and hold onto Anik- Sae-chan’s palms like he did half his lifetime ago. A rancid aftertaste fills his mouth at the thought. Rin feels his fingers tap against his thigh. The tears he’s hold back for so long, drop like pitters and patters on the ground.
Now, there is only a sour, and pungent aftermath. No longer can he remember the sweetness of orange popsicles, and sticky fingers. Only bitter regret.
--
It is a year later, and Rin Itoshi is 16 years old. Nowadays, he spends his days alone. Communication was kept to a minimum, and used by Rin only as a necessity. Scarred deeply by the face of Sae-chan, whose figure is a permanent shadow in his foremind, it is as though looking at a completely different person. Almost everyone has known about this switch in his personality. In the locker rooms, Rin feels the eyes of everyone against his back, like little pins that prick at his skin. He lets the hot water boil his skin, as though to scrub away all the paranoia that laces his aching muscles. When he sees so much as a slither of that all too familiar shade of pink, Rin swallows down the bile that threatens to rise up his throat.
Because now, at the age of 16, Rin only feels a bottomless, and sorrowful anguish no matter what he does, and where he goes.
Countless journals filled with streets and sights of every symbol and number, sketches of the rusty metal swings and serene, cool lines occupy each and every page. There are only so many streets and crowded areas that Rin is able to yet venture with his own two feet. Though, he supposed that didn’t really matter anyways.
Nothing mattered anymore, anyways.
One day, Rin gets sent a letter. In the letter, he is asked to participate in a japanese football program, which is made up of other strikers with similar capabilities and are said to be the best in the country. When he first read it, sitting alone on his bed, Rin let out a laugh. Why now, after he was finally starting to give up, was he being given a shortcut to the one big dream he’d had for so long? It felt comedically coincidental, as though rubbing salt in the wound wasn’t enough.
Nonetheless, Rin would give this one more shot. Fine, If Sae-chan couldn’t step up and take the title they’d been working all this time for by himself, Rin would do it for him instead.
Because Rin would fill the shoes that Sae-chan couldn’t.
(or wouldn’t, if he was being honest)
Because, finally, at the age of sixteen. Rin Itoshi would start taking the first steps to his newfound dreams, even if it dragged him down by the end of it.