Work Text:
Alex should have known that that mayonnaise looked suspicious. He wouldn't have been hunched over the toilet like this, shivering on the floor pathetically, gripping at the edges of the toilet seat.
The mayo... the mayo came out as an opaque yellow paste and he stared at it for a few moments as it squeezed out of the plastic packet. Haley sat down next to him, looking at Alex. He was quieter than usual, staring at that mayo packet wordlessly, and she leaned towards it.
"EW," she screamed suddenly and Alex startled and the suspicious mayo fell onto the face of his bun. Alex's breath caught in his throat. "Why does it look like that!?" Haley asked, scrunching her nose at it. Alex was too surprised to say anything or to stop himself from squeezing that pouch of mayo. His hand shook as Haley continued yelling, "Are you seriously planning on eating that?!"
They went to a small town high school, so it wasn't long until the whole cafeteria went silent. Everybody's eyes trailed to the pair of freshmen at the table next to the lunch line. Even Sebastian craned his head towards their table, curious to see what all the hubbub was about.
Alex got the rest of the mayo out of the pack, placing it on the foil bag his burger came in. He felt a sense of overwhelming despair wash over him. He felt as if he were about to cry, then took the packet of mustard, tearing at the serrated edge and squeezing it out on the swirl of pasty, rotten mayo. Sam had gotten up, soon Abigail joined him, looking over his shoulder as he shivered, then finally, closed his burger.
"I can't believe you're actually planning to eat that…" Haley muttered. "Alex, you're literally gonna die if you eat that burger!"
"I'm hungry," Alex finally choked out. "At… least it isn't dry."
Alex's teeth grazed the burger, tentatively taking a bite, pulling away immediately as he chewed. Haley gagged and Abigail screamed in his ear, "OH GOD. OH FUCK." The cafeteria quickly devolved into chaos and teachers on lunch duty scrambled in a panic.
Alex finally cried as the mayo touched his tongue, his face shriveling up. It was weirdly sweet in the way lukewarm milk was, but even worse than that. He chewed very slowly and heard Sam 'holy shit'-ing behind him. Penny fainted as soon as she realized what was on the burger.
"I CAN'T BELIEVE HE ATE THE SCHOOL MAYO!!" Someone shouted at the other side of the room, pointing wildly at Alex. Someone threw their lunch on the ground and the lunch ladies huddled in the corner of the kitchen, groping stainless steel ladles and spatulas, weeping as all order in the cafeteria was wicked away by some jock putting rotten mayo on his burger. When things seemed like they wouldn't get worse, Beverly Hills by Weezer played on the radio in the kitchen, and at the same time Sebastian the ugly emo sophomore stepped menacingly towards Alex's table.
"Finish it," he whispered into Alex's ear in a non-seductive way because fuck Alastian or Seblex or whatever the crap people even call it because either way it's either some dipshit pokémon or prescription drugs. Alex shook his head, his face scrunched up painfully, and Sebastian threw his Invader Zim backpack at Haley then grabbed Alex's hair as she was immobilized. "Finish. It." Sebastian repeated slowly and Alex shivered and weeped as he shoved the rest of the burger in his mouth, folding it into a taquito shape and he chewed very slowly, choking on the burger. Peace swept the cafeteria for a moment. Everyone was left shocked at what they'd seen and Sebastian was still leering over Alex like he was hot shit. "Swallow," he commanded and Alex felt all woozy but finished the job.
Everybody looked on, terrified and even the teachers on lunch duty and the lunch ladies who poked their heads outside watched in horror, then the school bell rang and everybody dispersed as Alex shot up out of his seat.
Alex speedwalked to the general location of the bathroom, stumbling over his own feet, seeing double of everything as his stomach growled furiously.
He shouldn't have eaten that mayo.
He should have thrown it away or something.
Oh, Yobs…
Alex shoved into the men's room and pushed himself into the bathroom stall, and positioned himself over the toilet, planning on ditching his next class as he sat hunched over and feeling sweaty like he'd done three-hundred pushups. Alex gagged and embraced the toilet, hurling all up in the bowl, brown and yellow chunks spilling out and contaminating the water.
Alex wheezed, gasping for whatever air he could get into his lungs, then barfing it all out. Alex trembled and his nails turned white as he roughly gripped at the sides of the toilet, shaking and crying into it.
Alex should have known that that mayonnaise looked suspicious. He wouldn't have been hunched over the toilet like this, shivering on the floor pathetically, gripping at the edges of the toilet seat.
The freshman fell back onto the bathroom tile, hiding his face inside of his big gay hands, trembling still.
"Screw emos," he muttered, then added as his ear started ringing from when Abigail screamed into it, "Goths too… I… I want to go home, damn… d-dammit."
Alex picked himself up slowly, his mouth dry, panting, and he flushed the toilet, watching the barf swirl down.
And that was the story of Alex's first curse word.
The end.