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Ellie never wanted for you to become a part of this. Her complicated, unresolved issues with Joel, her own inner fight with guilt for not dying for something she had considered to be the purpose of her life and repayment for those she lost along the way. Nor be part of the inevitable outcome Joel’s actions had caused. Ellie never wanted to scar the only pure, untouched safety net she had left in her life.
But when she stood upon Nora’s body she had previously beat to death, sourcing the information she came for to Seattle in the first place, she could no longer escape. To the person she was becoming, to Joel whose eyes were slowly fading away from her memory. From the look you gave her when she came back to theatre and Jesse let her in. The bloodstains on her clothes, bruises on her arms, she handed Dina the map and you couldn’t help but notice how fragile her whole body has suddenly become.
You didn’t say much, knowing there wasn’t anything that could fix the way Ellie felt, that could find the parts of herself she had already lost while avenging someone whom she couldn’t even face after the heinous act she just committed. Joel never wanted for her to lost the last bits of innocence she had within her. He never wanted her to taste the ugliness of the world the way he did. Yet here she was. Convinced she had to finish this, no matter what it was going to take. How much what it was going to cost.
Jesse and Dina stood aside with bloodstained map, marking Abby’s supposed location while you carefully grabbed Ellie’s wrist, wishing to take her to the back and clean her wounds. She couldn’t even look into your eyes, avoiding that the whole time you walked through the seats, all the way to the backstage.
You sat her on the couch, letting her take the clothes off while you went to search for some useful supplies. Back there, Dina and Jesse were upstairs, sitting by the radio, contemplating a good way of finding Tommy and easiest route to hunt down Abby and be done with this whole thing.
The minute you walked in, Jesse couldn’t help himself. “That was definitely not her blood.”
Two days in and all of what you saw was how much this had cost her already.
You didn’t respond to his comment, still searching through the cabinets.
“Maybe we should just pack it up and leave,” Jesse whispered. “Right in the morning. We were in deep shit yesterday already. After this, they must be patrolling for us. We should just find Tommy and get the fuck out of here.”
“And go where?” you dared to ask, shifting your attention to him.
“Back home?” Jesse shrugged his shoulders, almost sounding confused.
“See,” you closed the cabinets and stood up, finally paying both of them your full attention. “She doesn’t have that anymore.”
None of them would dare to argue about that.
Jesse meant well, you knew that. Ellie was the reason he came to Seattle in the first place, determined to help his friend. But even though he wanted to support her choices, Jesse couldn’t fully understand the way Ellie felt—why she was doing what she was doing.
You couldn’t help but sigh. “Ellie can’t see the sense of right and wrong right now. And the more you tell her how stupid and dangerous this is, the less she will listen to you..”
“So you’re supporting this?” he wondered, disgruntled.
“No,” you replied. “But I know that I can either give her shit and go home or stay and make sure she’s not going to lose the only parts of herself she has left.”
You found what you were looking for, parts of that. Combined with what you packed from Jackson, you had nearly enough to fix all of Ellie’s injuries. Without uttering another word, you left Dina and Jesse to their own thoughts, not feeling the need to add anything else. As much as you understood their need to go back before things get significantly worse, you knew she would not go.
And you would never forgive yourself if you just left her here, all alone.
Especially after what happened a few minutes later.
She was sitting on the old sofa by the time you got back to her, facing you backwards. Before you even tried to whisper her name, you were stopped by that sight that immediately caught your attention. Most of her clothes were lying on the floor, soaked in blood and dirt. She sat there, half naked, with her back displaying the endless bruises, cuts and wounds. You couldn’t count all of them even if you tried.
Ellie knew you were already there, but didn’t dare to look at you—not after you saw that. She was too weak to face you. Not because she was afraid of seeing the sadness and worry in your eyes; she already got used to seeing that ever since you arrived in this place.
More than that, Ellie would never be able to face a disappointment, not from you. Not from someone who was there for her. Who never asked why she stopped talking to Joel, why she begged you to switch patrols so she could avoid him.
You were the last person who could see the good parts, despite digging through blood and tears to find them. And after Joel, she couldn’t afford losing that.
“Ellie?” you whispered, pulling her out of her thoughts.
She wiped her tears away and nodded, giving you space to continue.
“Is it alright if I clean your wounds?”
You felt the need to get her approval.
Doing her absolute best to stop those sobs from escaping her trembling lips, she covered her mouth and nodded again, giving you what you had asked for.
You sat down quietly, right behind her, with your bucket, cloth and nearly empty first aid kit you brought from Jackson. First, you cleaned the rest of the dry blood on her shoulders and lower back while she sat still. She let you help her, repeatedly wiping away her tears that were now heavily streaming down her bruised cheeks.
Most of her wounds needed just some cleaning to prevent any further infection. You took your time with each one of them, making sure you’re not hurting her any more. She felt how delicate you were with your touch, how carefully you were trying to help her ease the pain. The softness and care you had allowed her to forget about what she did out there for a second and enjoy the comfort you provided.
A long exhale left her rosy lips. She found her mind drifting towards that the day; and the events that inevitably followed. She set her mind on leaving to Seattle the minute she left that place, despite Tommy’s desperate attempts to talk her out of it. Even when he decided to head out there first in order to protect her, she couldn’t appreciate the good thought. The pain clouded her judgment.
That day, when Tommy left, she fought with you for hours. It was the first time you saw Ellie since the horrific incident at the lodge. She was standing by your fireplace, announcing that she was leaving to Seattle and she was hoping (more like counting on the fact) that you were going to cover her ass while she quietly goes on her revenge quest. And being the person you were and having the amount of love you had for her, of course you would not let her go alone.
“Y/N, I don’t need a babysitter,” she stopped the minute she heard that proposal. “This isn’t your fucking business. And I’m not making you a part of that.”
“I’m not asking for permission, Ellie,” you whispered, stepping closer to her. “I’m going with you, end of conversation.”
It went on for another twenty minutes, when she was trying to talk out of you joining her. She was harsh, calling you a naive idiot more than once. But you knew that all those words, all this pain was coming from the same place of sadness she was trying to suppress. You would never hold any of this against her.
Eventually, as she understood, it didn’t matter how hard she tried, how harsh she might have been to you; you were determined to go and there was nothing Ellie could change about that.
Thinking about it now, weeks later, she felt guilty for the way she spoke to you. You were the last person who would deserve such treatment, given faithfully you stood by her this whole time. Most of the days you traveled, Ellie was withdrawn, immersed in her own thoughts. She wasn’t exactly talkative but if she happened to say a word or two, she was mostly taking out her own frustration at you.
After everything she said over the past couple of weeks, you had a full right to turn away at any point and head back home. But you never did that.
You always stayed, despite how unbearable it was at times. Ensuring her that you were not going to walk away, in Seattle or anywhere else.
And now, when you were sitting here, cleaning her blood stained spots and washing away the shame and guilt she had been wearing around, Ellie knew how high the stakes were—how petrifying was the thought of losing you. Despite her numerous attempts to chase you away, despite the fact that you never really established where you stood when it came to the other, you meant a lot to her. More than she was willing to admit.
“Ellie, this one’s really deep. I’m gonna need to sew it,” you whispered, grabbing the needle and the thread, interrupting her thoughts.
She didn’t respond, just left you do your thing and stayed immersed in her head.
“It’s probably gonna hurt a little,” you warned her before sticking the needle through the skin her shoulder.
“It won’t. I don’t feel anything,” she mumbled; for the first time.
Causing you to stop for a second and rethink what you just heard. You didn’t know whether you should ask for her to be more specific, being to afraid to scare her off, given her current state. Instead, you finished your job and within a few minutes, the open wound was gone.
Ellie suddenly felt the coldness wrapping around her as soon as your hands left her body as you handed her a clean t-shirt from your backpack.
“You should get some rest,” you whispered, standing up and grabbing the bucket with blood-soaked cloths. “I still have your snacks in my backpack, in case you were hungry.”
There was no reaction from her. She put on the t-shirt and stayed in the same spot, still not willing to face you.
Part of you wanted to rush over and comfort her. But knowing how she has been over the past of days, you didn’t want to drive her away any further—if that was still even possible. So you stood there for a second, with a bucket in your hands and watched her, wiping away the tears from her puffy, red cheeks.
“Please, don’t leave me.”
It was the moment you reached for the doorknob, halfway out of the room, feeling the urge to give her some privacy when she suddenly uttered that pleading statement. The walls she was so desperately building around her were slowly falling to the ground, leaving her on her own.
There was a thought in Ellie’s head. Thought that appeared when she was gripping the iron pole, beating the words out of her enemy’s aching body. She was on verge of her own strength, not having any more power to fight Ellie, so she gave her friend up. She handed Ellie what she came for in the first place, leaving her space to strike for one last time—finishing what she started, ending Nora’s prolonged suffering.
And the moment she did that—hitting the one last punch, she saw you. She saw the thought of you in her mind and froze. She glanced down upon the lifeless body—but saw you. Saw you lying in your own blood, dying by her own hand. And for the first time feared the person she was becoming. Facing the outcome.
Making you collateral damage of her revenge quest was a risk of its own. But being capable of hurting you on her own what was she feared the most.
For a second, you had to process what you just heard. It wasn’t until the sobs that left her trembling mouth you felt the need to turn around and take a look at her.
She was now standing right in front of you, finally daring to face you.
Daring to face her what she feared the most.
“I’m scared, Y/N.”
For weeks now, she was suffering in silence, mourning in her thoughts. Now there was a pain in her voice that she couldn’t escape. For the first time, she let you see all of that—see the desperation in her faded green eyes and realise how long she has been bottling this inside of her.
“What are you scared of?” you whispered, taking a step closer towards her.
She took a deep breath, trying to get ahold of her sobs before she continued, still looking into your eyes: “Of what I did.”
You knew Ellie was not always as tough as she tried to portray herself. But seeing that right in front of you, seeing her falling down felt like a shot through your chest.
“What did you do, Ellie?”
There was a curiosity in your mind, followed by fear of what you might get.
“I made her talk.”
It was somehow enough. Enough to understand that the desperate need for feeling of consolation was growing with each strike Ellie hit and with each toll it took on her.
“Ellie—“ you took a step closer, reaching for her but she swiftly pulled away, shaking her head.
“I’m scared,” she repeated, daring to look into your eyes gain. “What if I might—“
“No,” you stopped her without hesitation, knowing where this was headed. “You won’t.”
Brushing her tears away, she suddenly looked down. “You don’t know that. You don’t know what I’m capable of. I don’t even know what I’m capable of.”
There was a genuine worry in her voice, fear of her own self. But after all those years, after everything you’ve encountered together, you trusted her enough to confidently proclaim that she would never hurt you.
You trusted her. But she didn’t trust herself, that was the stumbling rock.
Which you became aware of the second she bursted into tears.
Ellie was never quite the emotional person; mostly just trying to deal with everything on her own and as quietly as possible. Until now.
“I can’t lose you, Y/N.”
And there it was.
The revelation between uncontrollable sobs that made you come closer.
“But I’m afraid it’s gonna happen anyway and it terrifies me to death.”
She came to terms with fact that you might never become hers long before this. For all those years, Ellie yearned for you in silence, realising she will accept any kind of role in your life, as long as she gets to have you in hers. Only now she was realising how dangerous this wish has become.
Because suddenly, there was a price.
She was never more honest in her life like right now, displaying all of her worries in front of you. Displaying how important you were for her. For a moment, you thought, if there perhaps was more to her words—more than she was willing to let on.
“You’re not gonna lose me, Ellie,” you whispered, slowly reaching for her hand, again. “That's just not gonna happen,” you shook your head, intertwining your fingers with hers.
“You don’t know that,” she mumbled, trying to pull away her hand but you stopped her.
“I do. As long as I have a say in it,” you objected, stepping even closer. “No matter what you say, what you do. I’m not leaving. You can yell at me, for all I care—just like you did in my living room. But I told you then and I’m telling you now. I’m not leaving you, now or ever.”
In that moment, Ellie suddenly didn’t know which thing she feared more. Whether it was the idea of losing you by her own force or knowing that despite her capacity of hurting you, were never going to walk away. Ellie couldn’t pull you into her darkness—but at the same time, she couldn’t leave you. You were her home, her whole world. Or at least, what was left of it.
“Can you stay?” she pleaded, reaching for your other hand.
You nodded, letting a fleeting smile slip onto your lips as you pulled her closer, wrapping both of your hands around her neck. She was hesitant at first but the second her body crashed against yours, she gave in. There was sigh of relief escaping from lips as she buried her head into your shoulder; tightly gripping your waist. Making you realise how starved she must have been for that hug.
You stayed together in that little dressing room, lying together in the dark with Ellie’s hand caressing your cheek. You promised yourself to stay up and alert to watch over her but found yourself falling asleep in her arms. Now she was lying in front of you, studying your appearance, her mind drifting away to different ends.
She wondered. About her. About you.
She wondered if things were different, if perhaps, there was any other ending for you—one less threatening. She wondered if she would, under different circumstances, find the courage to finally confess what she’s been suppressing inside of her for ages. If the two of you would have a shot at having a relatively normal life together, given the world you were living in.
She wanted the best for you, and nothing less. She wanted to protect you. From the heinous world outside—and sometimes from herself as well. Looking at you, lying so peacefully next to her, she couldn’t help but think of Joel’s words.
Perhaps now more than ever, Ellie was facing her own moral battle. There was someone in her life, someone for whom she would quite frankly walk to the edge of the universe and back. Someone whose life was carrying more value than her own. Feasibly, now it she had a chance to understand the nature of his actions.
When she had her own something to fight for.
“Are you okay?”
It was your voice that pulled Ellie out of her mind.
She snapped out of her thoughts and saw your eyes, glancing into hers.
“Did I wake you?” she whispered, concern in her voice.
“No but you should’ve,” you chuckled. “I’m supposed to be making sure you’re still breathing.”
Ellie couldn’t help but laugh. “You’ve been doing that for the past couple of weeks. Now it’s my turn.”
You felt her hand, still resting on your cheek. There was a look in her eyes that you could not quite define. You lied there in the darkness, staring into each other’s eyes before she filled the silence with her voice.
“Y/N?” she mumbled, slowly drifting closer to you; her breath dancing on your lips.
“Hm?” you raised your eyebrows, curious.
“If things were different,” she whispered, guilt in her voice. “I would’ve given you a lot more than this.”
She struggled with words more than often but now, it was crystal clear. It was her own of making sure you knew how much you meant to her, despite the circumstances.
“I know,” you leaned closer, grabbing Ellie’s hand and intertwining your fingers. Only then, you looked into her eyes again and smiled, reassuring. “But this is still enough.”
“Enough to stay?”
“Enough to do much more than that.”