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Mark stands in front of the Eiffel tower with literally every other tourist around him. It’s stupidly crowded, yet everyone has the same collective mind of “wow it’s so pretty!” because originality was so last year.
It’s usually this part where he will turn to his left and tell the person he loves the most the cheesiest pick-up line he can think of. Probably the first thing that pops up on Google search like “are you French? Because Eiffel for you.” and then the love of his life would snort, tell him how unfunny he is while bitting his inner cheeks to stop himself from smiling.
It’s usually this part where Mark gives the boy a kiss on the cheek, nuzzling a little bit of his stubble just so that he can hear his lover giggle and tell him “that’s ticklish!” but not quite telling him to stop. Instead, he’ll seek revenge by giving a small nibble on Mark’s nose and they’ll earn dirty looks from passers-by who hate such a sickeningly sweet display of affection.
Instead, Mark turns to his right.
The boy on his right has his arms folded, tapping his foot in boredom and annoyance. His death stare hurts so much it could probably make the clock move faster. The news yesterday said that the earth is spinning faster these days and maybe that’s what the universe has decided to do. After all, he is Mark’s universe.
“It’s so crowded and not even that cool.”
They say first loves never work out and it stays inside a man’s heart forever. It is probably true enough since Mark has heard countless stories where a father names his daughter after his first love’s name. It’s half disgusting, half weird, and fully inappropriate. But the world is probably on to something with the whole impact of having a first love—where it buries so deep in a man’s heart that no one else can ever replace it.
Donghyuck digs his foot into the ground impatiently the same way he dug himself into Mark’s heart. The shovel hits the same spot where it has scarred over the years, and Mark’s heart once again bleeds open. There is something about the way Donghyuck twists his foot on the ground impatiently that almost feels painful, but Mark swallows the lump in his throat and looks up.
“I think it’s beautiful,” Mark takes a deep breath, “even with the crowd.”
Donghyuck doesn’t seem to have the same sentiments as he rolls his eyes and storms off. Away again he slips through Mark’s grasp, never to understand just why is it so difficult to keep Donghyuck by his side.
“Like the wind. I love when you’re around because it keeps me cool but when there’s too much you blow me away and then disappear into thin air, never to be felt again.”
“Maybe because I want to go beyond the sky while you think even hills are too high.”
Mark chases Donghyuck’s back just like he used to, reaching just barely for Donghyuck to be aware of his presence but never enough to touch. It is only when Donghyuck drops his pace, head turning around to look at the shops down the street that Mark notices a lovely bistro with red walls and gold letterings.
“Au Bon Accueil,” Donghyuck says with pronunciation skills that surprise even Mark who had taken French lessons back in middle school for extra credit. Perhaps during the time apart, Donghyuck had French lessons, or maybe he visited France often. It could be the reason why he wasn’t so fascinated by the Eiffel tower when it was on his bucket list since they were in high school. Although, the same bucket list is also the reason why Mark is even in Paris in the first place so what does Mark know about the Lee Donghyuck of today?
“I’m eating here.”
It’s not “we” but “I” and yet Donghyuck still stands by the twisted vines and waits for Mark to catch up and stand by his side. Mark keeps his word and stands on Donghyuck’s left even if it pains him to do so physically.
They get inside and Mark understands the appeal of the striking red walls. It is decorated with picture frames and everything about it feels cosy. Or maybe it is a place Donghyuck has eaten before, it looks like a place Donghyuck would visit on one of his solo travels.
Mark blatantly ignores any possibility that Donghyuck has eaten at the bistro with someone else.
But then again, Mark’s brain reels his logical side back inside. It is hard to imagine that Donghyuck had been single for the past 7 years. He is too beautiful, too loving, too capable to not pull anyone he wants. The only thing that keeps Mark sane is the very high chance that in the past 7 years, he never met anyone that was worthy enough to be honoured with the title of being on Donghyuck’s right.
They are seated near the corner with menus already on the table. Even with his subpar French abilities, Mark could at least understand or guess what les entrées, les plats, and les desserts meant. A 3-course meal of some sort Mark deduces and simply prays his pointing skills to whichever 3 he eventually chooses will be good enough for a bistro at a tourist spot.
When the food comes, Donghyuck’s eyes betray his voice. A disgruntled noise left his lips and yet his eyes sparkled with the starters that arrived. Maybe he is just that upset over having to spend a lovely evening with Mark Lee of all people, first place in breaking Donghyuck’s heart. Which is interesting because Donghyuck is also listed as number one and happens to be the only breaker of Mark’s heart that will ever be and yet Mark feels nothing but happiness sitting across the one and only.
“Why are there tears in your eyes when you’re the one leaving me to discover the world when I could do that too with just the touch of your skin?”
“Because you’d rather let go than hold your world and follow wherever he goes.”
The plates end up completely clean by the end of it despite Donghyuck’s occasional eye roll and moments of scoff when Mark attempts to compliment the food. Whether it is because Donghyuck is the kind to make sure to finish the food that has been given to him or because the food was truly delicious, Mark wouldn’t know. But when Mark puts out his card to pay it’s the first time Donghyuck shows a reaction through the cracks of his well-polished mask.
“I have money.”
When Mark turns around after receiving his receipt, Donghyuck’s face is filled with confusion. It makes Mark confused too, wondering what trouble it is to pay for lunch. Mark always paid for stuff even back when they were only students and Donghyuck had his dad’s credit card to swipe for anything and everything.
“Of course you have money,” Mark leaves the bistro and stuffs his wallet into his pocket, “you booked and paid for two 5-star hotel rooms just so we wouldn’t share.”
It is the few times Mark will be petty about—his one-bed fantasy completely destroyed when Donghyuck nodded his head to the receptionist and told him to check in for his own room. His wish to at least have late-night talks with Donghyuck vanished and maybe he should have expected this when Donghyuck insisted on dealing with the hotel bookings.
Perhaps this is what happens when you’re a romance novelist. Second-chance romance is evident in the later novels he published. Can’t believe he had been projecting his love for Donghyuck through his novels or something along those lines.
As if Mark’s muse ever changed.
“You’re…” Donghyuck walks a little faster to overtake Mark and spins gracefully. The little ballerino in him still kicking in his little habits. It’s cute, the way his feet sometimes land in some sort of ballet posture that Mark has little to no knowledge about. But he has seen Donghyuck dance in their high school musical before so he can at least tell when it’s the little ballet habit kicking in his daily life.
“You’re Mark,” Donghyuck looks straight into Mark’s eyes, “you’re really Mark.”
What do you do when your ex starts saying ominous things? Nothing because they are in public where other tourists are talking loudly about how beautiful the city of love is while a rat runs past their feet. The afternoon summer sun kisses Donghyuck’s golden brown eyes and maybe if it takes an ominous vague talking for Donghyuck to really make eye contact with Mark, sure. Whatever works.
“There is a musical fountain show at the Château de Versailles,” and then Donghyuck spins again and walks off. Mark follows, an act he once stopped doing and regretted all his life.
Donghyuck seems to know where he is going when he stops by a bus stop and doesn’t even look at his phone. Mark manages to google where they are going and scrolls to look at the different fountains that they could see in the afternoon.
“Looks like there is some night show today too, maybe it was a good idea to spend our first day here on Sunday,” Mark cheerfully shows Donghyuck his phone.
With a short glance and a snort, Donghyuck replies “it’s the second day ‘cause we landed last night. What happened to being a math genius?”
Mark’s heart presses down so hard that his stomach feels the weight of his feelings. It’s the most Donghyuck-sounding sentence he has ever heard in years, the fluctuation of each syllable he pronounces and his tongue clicks at just the right places. It’s almost like he travelled back in time when Donghyuck's favourite pastime was to make snarky remarks and put a smirk on his face whenever Mark shakes his head and sighs fondly after.
So he does just that.
His lips curl up for the first time since Donghyuck appeared in his apartment, slamming down the bucket list he hadn’t seen in years. It’s the same one where he clearly remembers watching Donghyuck circle the words in red ink “Paris trip with Mark Lee<3”.
“My name is on everything you do but your entire existence has been engraved in my heart and yet I’m selfish for wanting you to stay here and be mine?”
“I will always be yours even when I’m high up in the sky, why don’t you get it?”
“You’re right, it is the second day,” Mark shakes his head, unbelievably happy to hear some semblance of the person he used to know so intimately. At this point, Donghyuck is looking elsewhere, completely ignoring the entire state he had thrown Mark in. Maybe he didn’t even notice he had reverted a little to the man Mark used to know but even the dimmest light shines bright in the dark.
They board the bus and Donghyuck has dodging skills so immaculate he manages to swerve through the crowd to make sure strangers boarded the bus in between him and Mark so that by the time Mark enters the bus, the seats are full and Donghyuck has the window seat. The feat of doing so is so amazing Mark doesn’t even have the chance to be angry.
When the crowd is finally clearing out, Mark continues standing anyway. He holds onto the handles above his head and lets himself blatantly stare at Donghyuck’s side profile. There must have been a fashion switch sometime between college and now or maybe there were many experiments in between as Donghyuck’s usual long combed hair in university has turned to an undercut and bangs that fall just above his eyebrows. It’s pretty, the exact same thought Mark has told himself years ago.
Donghyuck turns to look at the empty seat and then at Mark who doesn’t look away, choosing to count the moles that trail from his cheeks to his exposed neck and collarbones. He looks older now that they are both in their late 20s, but the moles that litter across his cheeks, resembling constellations of the Big Dipper are the same.
“There are empty seats.”
Mark sits next to Donghyuck immediately.
“Didn’t you ban me from being on your right?” Mark breathes out, his heart pumping into his veins until his ears feel like they could bleed out. There is something stuck in his throat when Donghyuck says nothing back. It almost coughs out condemning words like “hypocrite” but his own throat restricts both his voice and his windpipe for death would be better than hurting the man next to him.
Again.
The thing about Donghyuck’s complex personality is the living paradox of being easily understood. He orders the same few things on the menu and while he is adventurous in trying new food, buying his comfort food has never gone wrong. So the whole situation is complicated, courtesy of Donghyuck who is so hell-bent on finishing his bucket list he made in high school that he would find Mark, an ex-boyfriend, whom he hadn’t seen in 7 years. But it’s easy to understand this despite it all.
“Did you know that the man stands on the bride’s right so that his dominant hand can pull out his sword in case someone attacks them at the altar?”
“Taking the phrase ‘right by my side' literally, promise me to do just that.”
“I never left you,” Mark leans back, “my fault was never trying to support you in fulfilling your dreams. My fault was trying to hold you down when you wanted to search the world. But it was you who told me-”
“Donghyuck please, I get anxious when you are far away but I didn’t mean when I yelled at you to stay here I was just- ”
“I don’t want to hear it, you’ve lost the right to be by my side.”
Donghyuck reaches out to press the bell and pushes Mark out of the way to get down from the bus stop. Mark can tell the stop is not where they were initially dropping off. He chases the back of the man who left, determined this time to reach out his fingertips to let the other know that at the end of it all, he will be there.
Mark had always been here.
“Exactly!” Donghyuck screams as he twirls around with less grace but still so beautiful.
A few passersby stare at the two of them with annoyance. Mark truly could not care less.
“I left! I was a selfish 22-year-old who broke up with the one person who’d love me for who I am just because you wouldn’t uproot your whole life and leave your family behind just to be with me as if anyone is insane enough to do that! I wouldn’t! I was unreasonable and left you even when you told me-”
“What if I became the home you could return to after your long days, weeks, months or even years of exploring anywhere in the world?.”
“But what’s the point of all of it if you aren’t there with me to experience it?”
“Hate me! Why are you here standing on my left, where I would look at the side of your face I don’t recognise,” Donghyuck screams even louder this time, tears welling up in his eyes with a hand on his heart.
Mark can’t hate Donghyuck no matter how hard he tries. But has Mark ever tried to hate such a lovely soul who carried on guilt that wasn’t even his fault in the first place?
“Donghyuck, I-”
“I love you because you aim for the stars no mankind has ever reached but instead of revelling in the achievement, you just want me there too.”
“You were the one who held my hand when I first walked after all.”
It is chaos by now with many judgemental tourists and locals alike watching the whole exchange happen. Someone probably has their phone up, capturing what seems like a couple fight.
Is it a couple’s fight if they aren’t actually together?
“If I wanted to say no I would have,” Mark holds Donghyuck’s shoulders, hands gripping onto for dear life.
“I would have slammed the door in your face and told you to get out, but I didn’t,” his feelings completely flowing out of him, refusing to stop now.
“I lived in the same apartment for the past 7 years and for what? I could get a bigger place with my royalties now, I could have moved to the city even! Why stay in a small town where-”
“Nothing ever happens in this town but it’s the place my parents chose to move to and it’s the place where I met you, that’s why it’s special.”
“But I want to make the entire world special to me, to us.”
It’s late afternoon now, the summer sun beating down on their necks. Sweat has started pooling on his back, sticking uncomfortably to his skin. The rays sting and he can’t see anything through his own tears and sweat. Rashes are slowly starting to form as his allergy to the sun starts to act out, the sun aggressively unhappy to even witness Mark’s skin out in the open.
But even when the sun feels like this.
Even when the sun is hurting him like this.
Mark loves the sun more than anything else in the world.
“You’re bright, sunny, and loving, and I happen to be very weak to the sun, letting anything and everything go without a thought.
“Then I shall be the light to your darkest days.”
It’s quiet after that. Donghyuck once again hasn’t spoken a single word. Perhaps having this fight on the second day of their trip isn’t a great idea when they have about 4 days left. But finally. Finally, he hears the thoughts of someone he had thought about for years and years and now knowing that in the same way, he had been yearning.
The tears don’t stop and Donghyuck’s legs had given out. Mark with his undiscovered strength keeps him standing through sheer force by holding his shoulders. It looks funny to everyone else passing by but Donghyuck has his head down and all strength in his body gone.
Gently, Mark slowly drags Donghyuck to the seats and tilts his head up so he leans against the wall behind him. The sniffles have died down but Mark can still feel his own cheeks stained with tears. It’s quiet again safe for cars driving down the road behind Mark, slow and smooth to enjoy the lovely weekend.
“I hold you like my life depends on it because it does, in the end, my entire universe will revolve around you and that’s why I’m letting go.”
“You could find me as you always do, so why aren’t you?”
The grip on Donghyuck’s shoulders has slackened but it remains where it is, where it should be. Every star in the galaxy has settled down knowing that Mark finally has who he loves in his hands, cradling just another heartbroken man. The bright and sunny high school neighbour who once pulled him to the greatest heights now sits in front of Mark with his feet on the ground.
Silently, Donghyuck reaches out for his little backpack and pulls out a book. The cover is familiar, so familiar that it brings memories of Mark sending the design idea at 3 in the morning with blurry eyes and an empty shell of a body. It’s the first book series Mark had written where the main theme was void of happiness, despair and pain written throughout the trilogy and an ending that almost got him cancelled on TikTok.
Donghyuck narrates out reads the back of the book.
“What if the sun stopped rising because the earth stops spinning? Will the earth float away into the cold where even the tulip that can withstand winter is slowly wilting away in the snow?”
Mark holds his breath.
“‘When The Sun Stops Rising’ is the first book of a new trilogy series written by up-and-coming author Mark Lee who has taken a complete 180 from his debut romance-comedy novel, ‘Heights Are Scarier Than The Demon Next Door’.”
There was supposed to be a sequel to his debut novel that sits 90% finished in a folder, locked away together with every picture he has of Donghyuck. But he couldn’t bring himself to finish it when Donghyuck took the next flight to Switzerland with a single post-it note to prove his existence in the empty room. It wasn’t a surprise the same way he wasn’t surprised Donghyuck had deleted every social media account he had.
But it still hurt—knowing that the damage was too much and that nothing could have salvaged their relationship. They wanted different things, they were simply different people. No amount of love Mark and Donghyuck had could glue together the different puzzle pieces to create the big picture. So he chucked the almost-finished sequel and began writing about his torn heart and the one person his universe revolves around.
“The sun is always there no matter where you are on earth,” Mark speaks up, having reached a level of epiphany once his obligations as a novelist knocked on the door and he had to produce a new book soon.
“Even when it’s nighttime and I don’t see it, I know that it's there. It is illuminating the moon just enough for me to walk down the streets at night.”
Mark finally lets his hands fall and puts his hand over the books he had written at his lowest. Even though it’s a hardcover, it looks a little worn out as if someone had pulled it out of the shelf and read it over and over for years and years.
“I’m not done with it yet or anything, it kind of sucks I don’t know but it’s for an assignment anyway so it doesn’t have to be perfect but like I-”
“Mark, I like everything you write because it’s about the love you have for me.”
Nobody moves for a minute, taking a deep breath to calm themselves. Donghyuck keeps the books without a word and stands up. The bus to the fountain arrives at the bus stop and Donghyuck boards it with Mark right behind him. It’s not as crowded with many empty seats to choose from. Donghyuck once again sits by the window and looks at Mark expectantly.
“There are empty seats,” Donghyuck tells him again. Without any hesitation, Mark opts to sit next to him, their knees touching and the back of their hands awkwardly rubbing against each other. There has to be a blush on Mark’s cheek, the physical distance drastically shortened from just 10 minutes ago.
His heart is back in his throat again but this time it threatens to spill over and lay itself bare. The yearning has finally come to a close and he can let himself feel again, physically and emotionally.
That’s why.
“I will be right by your side even when I’m not physically there because I will love you with all of my body and soul until I turn into ash.”
“Then I will hold on to what is left of you till the very end.”
Mark turns to his left.
It’s the side of Donghyuck’s face he has engraved in his memory. It reminds Mark of all the times he spent looking at Donghyuck instead of paying attention to anything that was going on. It’s fine though. Mostly because as always, Donghyuck just looks so-
Pretty.
“Pretty.”
The bus ride isn’t too long and Donghyuck pokes Mark’s side to signal they had reached their stop. They get down and walk to the main area and are greeted with pleasantly upbeat music that fills the place. The sun is setting and the golden rays kiss the water to bring rainbows that complement the fairy lights decorating the place.
Donghyuck takes the lead and walks up to the receptionist, buying tickets for the evening musical fountain show and other areas for the afternoon. Mark pulls out his wallet only for Donghyuck to hiss at him for even thinking of paying for the tickets.
They make their way to the fountains, enjoying the beauty of it all. Again there is a crowd of extremely fascinated tourists but Donghyuck has a soft expression, finally enjoying the tourist attraction to its fullest. The collective “wows” from the tourists finally make their way quietly to Donghyuck’s lips—it’s barely noticeable but Mark can see the way his lips open in awe.
Mark slides his hand into Donghyuck’s and interlocks their fingers. The upbeat music has changed to something more romantic and the love Mark has for the other has overflowed and created a waterfall. Maybe it’s because it’s been a long time since he has ever felt emotions as strong as this but he won’t regret holding on again.
He turns to Donghyuck and the latter notices and turns his head too. Mark looks him in the eye, his throat finally opening up and letting everything that stopped him go.
The universe stops and holds its breath.
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”