Chapter Text
It's a funny-smelling and -tasting, amber-dark, herbal, alcohol-based blend of things he hadn't cared about past seeing the calming, standard ingredients he knew well enough and deciding to gamble on the reasonable purchase.
Henry hadn't really thought it would do much of anything, but being on edge to the extent he had been with things leading up to Bunny's murder and then after, well, needing at least a few hours of sleep this week before doing things, he took some. Ignoring the recommendations entirely, given nothing was helping these days, he went with a concoction of two droppers full of it into his calming tea (along with a few fingers of whiskey just for good measure).
He supposed any mixture of things would have messed him up something good at this point of exhaustion, at least he had hoped, since nothing "as is, straight" had worked yet.
But this stuff, despite being all-natural and legal, had him feeling... well... properly high.
Calm, but in that odd place of being too calm, to where you round about to being almost giddy with worry by it. When too high, stuck, only able to laugh it off in hopes that the laughing sighing from you might help to dissipate the worry.
Henry tried to busy himself so as not to think so much about it, all of it. A lot of good that sort of task is, though, with the sort of demons he was running from.
Instead, he tried to breathe slow, focused breaths to bring himself to a restful place.
Unfortunately, Richard had been freaking out right when the high was hitting. He'd called him, startling him from that and back into the peak of the high. Once the shock faded, he found himself feeling all fuzzy and beginning to enjoy things a tad more as he held the phone to his ear, silently waiting for the person to speak.
—
“Hello?”
Only a brief pause passed before Henry responded because of the voice he'd heard on the other end.
“Richard?”
“Yes, I... I’m sorry—I know you said we shouldn’t call or even be seen together for a bit, but it’s just—I’m—I’m really freaking out. I—” Richard cautiously tried to explain his calling despite what the other had just told them all, not wanting him to get frustrated with him.
"No, no, you're fine," Henry spoke gently to the other. "It'll all be okay. But, hey, if you want... you could come over..." The tone was curious and oddly sweet, as if he wished more for Richard's company than he wanted to say.
After a beat, he adds, "Really, it's all right. It'll be fine. If you're so uneasy, just come," sounding more plainly calm and firm in asserting the comforting offering.
Henry spoke with an uncharacteristically smirking, nearly playful energy bleeding into his features and tone for some peculiar reason he hadn’t understood himself, until he remembered the high he was worried about moments before. The tone of his voice took on some fondness that must have carried, not enough for it to deter Richard, only confuse him a tad.
“Re… really? You don’t.. mind”
“Not one bit, I’d prefer it.”
"You sound funny... am I on the list of people who are next?"
“Richard, my friend, I couldn’t think of such a thing. People on lists such as that have to earn their place there, but you... I don’t think you could ever earn such a cold-hearted place on anyone’s list, especially mine. Now come before I fall asleep.”
Richard arrives to a far more eager Henry greeting him at the door, extremely more chipper than he'd ever witnessed before. Eager but still relaxed, in a way, less himself, relaxed outside of the aloof style he usually adopted.
A smile rose upon opening the door and meeting Richard's eye. Though both showed their sleeplessness, nearing a strung-out look, Richard's still presented with a tension to it, like a man still in wait for his dealer in cold, damp, and dank alleyways on a real rough night. While Henry finally seemed to look like his tension had all but eased away.
"Richard," he nearly sang out in relief, "it's so nice to see you. Do you want some tea? Or... ugh—" his sunken eyes looking up in thought, dark circles showing more defined in the dull light, especially so at the angle, drawing in on them in contrast, "I have cigarettes. I could, um, make you something to eat." He went on, letting him past him, closing and locking the door. Walking down the hall to the kitchen table where they would so often converse.
“Did you want to sit and talk or..” his eyes looked so sleepy but polite in their softness for the other, as much as they ever were for him.
“Ugh- no, thanks, that’s ok. I just-... didn’t want to be alone, I guess. So, um.. I could just go sleep on the couch or something- hell, I’ll sleep sitting up against the wall right here if I have to. I just couldn’t stand being-“
“Nonsense. Now, are you sure you’re all fine with food and such and talking then?”
“Yeah, I’m sure, just need to rest” He nearly slurred out due to finally relaxing in the space.
Henry let out a huff of laughter, smiling saying, “Me too.. come on then.”
Henry, in his business-like leadership role as always, yet, assertive in a gentler way in this state, directed Richard to his room that he was well aware of only containing one bed, his own. A tension of a different kind began to worry through his form. Though he tried to hide this best he could from the other.
“I don’t need to sleep in your bed, really, I’m fine with-“ Richard had started, in protest, stopping in the walking the way in. But Henry kept on in his insistence, hand up in a ‘no discussion' sort of answering to this.
“Stop, you’ve stayed in my home before. You know how I am. Go on.” His head jerked up, in the direction of the bed as he kept on walking into the room with Richard who had assumed he would stop at a point, but noticed he hadn’t.
Henry shuffled out of his shoes as he unbuttoned his shirt, then put it on the back of the chair, at his desk. Richard observed in his surprise that he was stronger than he’d thought he’d be. Though, of course, he tried not to look in fear of what he might think. Still, easily catching the way the little muscles moved in definition under his skin at the slightest movements. His back especially, the shoulders, broader, somehow without the plains of stiff cotton button down hiding them. Richard, transfixed as he was by the dancing of them in his graceful motions, till, calmly, he was upon him stifled how startled he was in the abrupt coming to.
Henry, offering an outstretched hand, adding. “If you want to change, I have some pajamas that will fit you alright for a night. If not, just give me what you’d rather not sleep in and I’ll fold and hang it here for you.”
Saying this as he took the shirt Richard had awkwardly followed suit removing in his autopilot state of mirroring the other. Handing it off to him in his silent obedience when palm up he’d reached for it.
Richards' eyes bugged out to himself in private questioning as Henry slipped out of his pants like this was something they had done on a regular basis, so natural and normal. He hadn’t wanted to seem like the odd one that was phased. Attempting to not make things awkward, he tried to keep his cool, doing the same. Handing the trousers over to him as well, putting his own shoes off beside his.
“There we are,“ Henry said, relaxing into the space, bedroom eyes sparkling and warm. The comfort, almost bleeding into a welcoming territory to him. Which felt odd to think or feel in association with him.
“Goodnight then.” He added, turning the light off as Richard got into the bed wondering if he was going to come along too. To his surprise and for some reason, it would seem, disappointment, Henry stood by, only looking down at him in his bed then went to turn to leave.
“Wait-.. You’re not-.. I just mean.. I thought you were- I mean.. you could -.. Well.. it’s your bed after all, so of course- I just mean-.. if you’ll insist on me sleeping here then I insist on you sleeping here too. It’s just- there’s no point in you sleeping on that thing out there when this is your bed after all. If you’re letting me sleep in it, again.. With a fine bill of health, the least I could do is share it with you.”
Richard attempted at making this sound reasonable but in over-explaining sounded all the more awkward to the sleepy Henry. Who’d only slowly blinked at him, dreamily as he’d talked. Then approached the bed after giving a slight shrug. Taking off his glasses, he rubbed at his eyes as he lay them on the desk and approached the bed.
Richard gulped at the weird tension he feared only he was aware of here as Henry lifted the sheet working his way in beside him. Trying to make space in the small thing was proving to be funny, especially so in the dark. They each tried to give the other more room then there was until they accepted this fact, let their bodies meet in the middle, feeling not so scary after the fact as before. Sinking into the comfort of the solid warmth of the other quite easily.
—
In bed, they lay far closer than they had ever been. The first time they even shared space in this sort of a relaxed style, really. Though, strangely enough, they found it sort of fit them as if they had somehow and yet.. Was a tad misshapen around them in the cramped space. Something feeling.. a bit.. Off. But maybe that was just them being in their head.
“Ya know..” Richard started in his calming down, deepening breath from above the other at his place on the bed, “I feel a lot better now. Actually.. I always do when I see you- I-.. I don’t know why that is, but, you bring a sort of calm to me”
At him sharing this, Henry who had somewhat been curling into himself and away to help this be as comfortable for Richard as he could, then turned to the other, smiling up to him.
“That’s sweet. Sweeter of you to even admit that aloud,” he smiled with a short airy laugh, “Well, if we're being honest then I feel that same effect with you as well Richard. I also can’t explain why that is. It only recently started to perplex me to a depth of being somewhat bothered by it... not sure if it’s the sleepless brain hyperfixting on it more or what. I don’t know, but it’s.. like.. stuck in my head these days because- well, one moment I’m reeling for god knows how long, trying to sort through my thoughts and make a plan while freaking out internally. Worrying the puzzle together, always alone.. then, next I know, I blink that time away to the next time I get to see you , and.. - whoosh-” he moves his hands out dramatically but lethargic in his state, in a ‘clearing of the slate’ sort of symbolism, “I’m calm,” he takes in and huffs out a deep breath, “I can breathe again. Actually catch a full breath of air-”
He catches himself, suddenly fully grasping their close proximity. Gulping into his unintentional pause to look back to the other, taking his time to really take him in. As he did he felt as if he was seeing him almost for the first time. But as one does when walking into an art exhibit, they know the pieces well enough, but only from a book. In total awe that something so interesting could exist. Something that they understand on one level and yet are clueless to, on another.
“What?”
Richard broke the silence after the pause went on a bit too long. As Henry looked him over, a smidge too softly, too intensely. A gentle smile even etched in his features along with eyes catching the moon's light from the window. He was heavy lidded yet still showing a wonderment of him. Which was such an odd thing to notice in someone like Henry looking at someone like him.
“What?”
Henry parroted back, unblinkingly calm, in his dazed stare, reversing the questioning to him to have to answer for himself as well.
How peculiar a thing this seemed to the both of them, in different frequencies of picking up the same tone.
Richard blushed under the pressure to answer as to why he too had looked at him as he did, for as long as he had. Only, he hadn’t one.
“Nothing- what?”
Henry replied again. This time shaking from his glazed over place he had gone to initially. Against Richards silent blushing blank staring, still directed at him.
Richard stammered, “You wer- you're staring.”
“Was I?”
Sly smile in place, pairing too well and naturally with his eyes that’d gone soft for the other. Still, fixed on him after his dreamy blinking back to the moment.
“You were.” Was Richards only reply. Opting for facts as concise as he could muster in order to gain some control of the anxiety rising in him at the air the room and Henry had taken on.
“Oh, I hadn’t noticed. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.. upset you. Or- I don’t know, make you uncomfortable.”
“I’m not. I just got done explaining how comfortable you make me- it’s just- why were you staring.. like that ”
“Like what-? I mean, I hadn’t even noticed I was staring in the first place.. so, I really can’t recall how exactly I was going about it.”
“Just- like you’ve never done before. It was.. too.. kind . It didn’t feel, ‘ you’ .”
Henry scoffed into a laugh, “Am I not kind?”
“That was the wrong word- that’s.. not what I meant” Richard brushed his hair back in the tight space, flustered and growing warm.
“No?”
“No.”
“Well then.. What did you mean?.. because that’s what you said.”
“I’m sorry, no I- I find you kind. Your gaze can have the feel of not being so, at times.. truthfully.. but, um.. I meant-“
Henry's eyes took on a glassiness as he looked through lashes up at him. Smiling with another bit of a chuckle. His tongue darted out to wet his lips a bit before he slurred out, filterlessly.
“You're cute when you're flustered, ya know that?”
Richard tried to hide his stunned embarrassment at how his heart fluttered by digging into the fact that he grasped why Henry was not himself. Looking him over for further confirmation of this being the reason for the state.
“You- you’re high. Aren’t you ? What’re you on?”
Richard moved, craning his neck to follow him as the other turned away in a playful protest. He grabbed his face with one hand at his cheek, thumb rounding his chin, sturdily, to look him over.
Then, going as far as to prop open one of his eyes to him with the other, “come here” he said, pulling his face towards him, up to the light streaming through the window.
“Come to me, come into the light you chaotic little fuck!”
A laugh in his tone at the youthful energy of Henry's smiling face in his hand.
“What the hell did you take? Will you be okay? Dear god-.”
Richard asked, amusement giving way to worry a bit.
“I’m fine !”
Henry said, rolling his eyes, laughing some more. Hand going to lay on Richards to pull him away but stopped after a weak tug round his wrist when his eyes came back to look up at him. Richard was so close, attempting to inspect his pupil dilation. They caught each other's breath jetting against their skin.. Their lips.
Henry looked him over once more, hand going slack as he did. Hanging from its hold on Richards that lay stuck to his face. Henry took in the others' concern for him, so genuine and pure it made him go warm. His stomach fluttered and flipped as his eyes wandered to his lips. So close to his.. Being warmed by his breath that hitched in the feeling of their breaths mingling between them like this.
“I- I'm just on some of this stuff I got at the natural shop in town to help me sleep. Guess it’s got multiple purposes.”
He took a moment to try to to think but all he could process was how Richard, like this with him, was making him feel.
“Hey.. thanks again for everything. All of the stuff that’s going on. Well, everything that’s happened and is.. still being handled. I-.. really, thank you.”
Richard was grateful he had given a label for the weirdness that was transpiring between them. It had merely been his gratitude and inability to normally express it in his new brand of inebriation. It was also Henry after all. Plus there’s no, ‘thanks for helping me stay out of jail for murder, pal’ cards, so here they were.
“It’s nothing, really, I already said-“
“Yes and I’ve already said, you know it isn’t. It’s.. everything- everything . You don’t understand, I’m indebted to you-“
Henry, with brows tightly knitted, looked desperate to express the depth of this truth to the other. His near lame gaze had been awakened by this into a wild eyed animated display.
“Henry, please don’t talk like that. That’s not how it is, that’s not why-“
“It’s true, I owe my life to you now, I am.. forever in your debt-“
“No you aren’t-“
“Perhaps.. I’d like to be though-“
Henry caught himself in the back and forth stream of consciousness conversing. Surprising even himself with his near inability to hold his tongue tonight concerning the other. He took his turn to blush, licking his lip as he bit down on it, unconsciously trying to shut himself up. His brain was fuzzy and saying too much, reacting too loudly to this closeness. Something so rare for him to allow, especially so with the boys in his life.
He looked away, down, fearful of what he’d said and the implications that they showed too much to hide. They had been barely inches away from each other’s lips after all. Faces open entirely to each other even in the dull light. But he was meeting his eye.. so, he was almost certain then that he had seen it. That moment of pure revelation and acceptance in one moment of subconscious being released.
“Henry-“ Richard spoke, kindly in his trying to ease the others guilt. Thumb giving a questioning stroke of comfort in its place of still holding his face. Fingers, giving a soft gripping hold, attempting the same energy. To ground him with the firmness of his tender touch,“That’s no way to live, trust me. You.. are free from ties, to me at least-“
Henry’s eyes came up to dance along his face. To swim in his eyes once more. Eliciting more words to flow forth, “don’t you get it? I- I don’t want that.”
“I don’t understand,” Richard said softly, unsure how to help.
Henry looked at him. Eyes intense, half agitation rising from the other being.. dense or putting on a false not knowing for his sake, he wasn’t sure but he knew it must be obvious at this point. Something about this frustrated him.
“ Richard… you’re not stupid. Think . I’m saying.. I want to be tied to you- to owe you- be indebted. Have to- to.. do something for you.”
Half lidded, jaw tense from the tinge of shame at the reality of his words hitting him and from the anger making him too bold again.
Richard looked him over, doe eyes, eyebrows furrowing.
“I’m sorry- should- should I understand what you mean?.. Am I… stupid ?..” He attempted an air of joking by laughing it off before feeling the weight of the moment being much more serious when Henry didn’t join him. Adding, worried, “Am I.. failing some test-?”
Richard seems upset with himself and frustrated so Henry thinks as he mutters aloud.
“Fuck it,” grabbing his face and kissing him. All fast and yet once they start he softens to him, goes slower, more tentatively. Moans into it even, which surprises Richard right out of it. Pulling back suddenly as if he felt he did something wrong. Like that moan was the alarm to his Pavlovian dog brain saying ‘Bad dog. What the hell have you done, now?’
“Um- I- I-… ugh.. Is- is that what you meant?..”
“Yes, Richard. That’s what I meant.”
“Oh..” he swallows nervously, “Oh. Um.. okay, so- what ? You want me to say the cost of my loyalty is-? Do you want me to blackmail you? I- I don't understand w-“
“I mean—” Henry huffs a slight laugh through his nose, “I guess it seemed hotter in theory. Especially before having been explained to you so extensively.. but.. kind of .. I guess” ending nonchalant in his honesty.
They both look each other over with dumbfounded smiles.
“What-” Richard is laughing to himself, eyes closed trying to find his mind in all this. Shaking his head but uncontrollably smiling bigger than Henry had ever seen him.
He can’t seem to help but smile at this, himself.
“What are you still lost on?” Henry cheekily replied to his half statement.
Richard sighs as he opens his eyes, “I'm not lost.. I- It's just-:” he's searching for the right words to explain what he was feeling while also still trying to understand (or rather admit to himself) what exactly it was that he was feeling.
As his mind races while looking up, away, anywhere but the other man's face, words buzz at trying to form his next statement. But when his gaze sinks back onto Henry he swallows nervously as his mind blanks. Tongue darting out, mouth hanging open at him.
“I-..I-” Richard stammered on, willing words forth, under Henry's evermore piercing stare.
Watching as he’d licked his lips in response to Richard doing so. Sliding down his neck, questioningly. Then darted back to meet his eyes.
Henry, ever in the teasing mood, started, “ ‘You.. you’ , what?” cocky smirk of knowing now that Richard was flustered by him.
“I..” he stopped his floundering, relinquishing to him, in knowing he was found out, despite not being able to admit this to be so, himself. With a sighing laugh he mirrored the other, though his smirk being based in a shyness of the matter as it were. “I don’t know.”
He averted his eyes with the bashfulness he was playing.
Henry, being ever the analytical type of man even in this state, even was picking up every little telling thing of Richard. He would go so far to say that at times when he was under the influence perhaps he’d catch things he normally wouldn’t. More keen to the emotive aspects.
“Are you.. Being coy with me?..” Richard didn’t answer, only looked at him then away once more. Unable to bear the intensity of this. Why was he being like this, feeling how he did, reacting this way?
Henry knew it was rhetorical, despite his intrigued making it sound more of a genuine question. So, he went on, “I think you do know.. Whatever it is you’re thinking or feeling. I think you know, very well. But, perhaps you wish you didn’t. To stay in the blissful ignorance of not reaching the resolve of seeing in full focus what you knew so clearly to be right in front of you. You’re unsure.. Maybe , but you do know .”
Richard's face slid into a blankness that felt bleak as his eyes looked down between their bodies, then to Henry's face. Swallowing down his own reserves to be as bold as the man he’d grown to idolize in front of him was. Open and honest, real, despite it seeming they might share in the same inner turmoils.
“What do you want me to say?..” Richard whispered, small but smooth, into the bit of air between them.
Henry's brow furrowed, he responded just as shrunken, “I don't.. want you to say anything.. That is to say, anything but what you want to”
Richard's heart seemingly began to ache at seeing the joyful expression that had been making a home on Henry, wiped clean in a moment. And it being his own doing. His own cowardness to not just speak as freely as Henry had. To not care what it sounded like or how it came out but just worrying that it was the whole truth.
Richard took a shaky breath, “I- I suppose I care a great deal for you, it’d seem.. Given the circumstances.” His attempt at lighting the mood with his silly phrasing, pulling Henry's smirk back into place.
“So..” Henry added only because he could tell Richard to be the type of man to need those baby steps of egging on each bit of the way.
“God.. I don't know Henry.” Richard sighed again before catching himself in the repetition as they met stair.
“What did i say-”
“I know, I know”
“Exactly, right.. You do .. Just say it. Whatever it is, i can take it”
Richard furrowed his brow but with a fondness, “what do you think that-.. I'm struggling to tell you ‘I don't know if-’?”
“I don't know.” Henry said not fully understanding where he had meant to bring that sentence. But both lots on account of him smiling in his imitation of the other. Still answering his question. “Do you not?” he added again, emphasizing him to just say it.
Richard rolled his eyes which the other couldn’t probably make out, given the dim light and his positioning. Mouth opening at a start but floundering as he tried to find the words once more. Words that might be vague enough to save him the burning embarrassment he felt just on the verge of being engulfed by, by the things coming to mind to say.
“No.” was all that came out.
“No?” Henry looked just as upset as before but showed making quiet peace with it. Richard jumped into a spiraling of words to correct his misstep.
“No, it’s not ‘no’ as in ‘I don't’, it was a ‘no’ as in.. well- wait, yes.. i-” he shook his head, “i- i do , i like you. I was just-. Yes- you were right.. I do know..”
They both sat there for a beat like young school boys smiling wide at one another. Caught in the fact that Richard had said it.
“You really thought that I didn't ?... I thought you knew. I thought maybe- maybe this was some sort of joke because it was so obvious how much i’ve always looked up to you. I didn’t want to admit it to myself but I worried recently that it might be nearing painfully clear to you and everyone.. Or at least Francis. But then I hoped too that maybe the situation at hand might deter some of the attention enough for me to figure this out and stop being so.. So.. ‘infatuated’ I guess, with you. I was working to push more of my attention to Camila since I’ve also always liked her a great deal, I think..”
Henry quirked an eyebrow, seeming pleasantly surprised by this, “me too, actually.”
They both laughed lightly through their noses at this. Allowing a beat of silence.
“Do you really think you like me?” Henry asked a bit jokingly but Richard could tell he was kind of serious too. So, he answered straightforwardly.
“Yes.”
“Why?”
Richard was trying to hide how upset he was at Henry not comprehending his own awe inspiring existence. It was like trying to explain to a sullen God their own significance.
Trying to not sound too cheesy or based in anything as superficial as merely thinking he was beautiful, he went on a bit of a rant.
“I don’t know.. I think you’re very.. genuine and.. despite the world making you feel at times you should maybe yield to it and become a bit less.. odd, more.. conventional and normal, you refuse. I’m a bit envious, really, I definitely find myself wavering to it all too often. Despite wanting not to”
Henry laughed. “You think you know me?”
Richard didn’t know how to take that but it felt too quick not to be residual everyday Henry creeping through his high and into that moment as a defense. Which proved to be exactly the case because the other replied with his new found humor again after Richard responded.
“Yes, I think so.”
“You should be more careful with what you believe and apparently what you think as well.” Henry said deviously, smiling.
“You think so?”
“Oh yeah.. I mean, you think you know a guy and half the time they turn out to be serial killers.” He then imitated an older sounding, rich type of ditsy woman being interviewed for a news broadcasting. “Oh, he was such a nice guy, quite charming, actually.”
“That is true, but what about the people into serial killers”
He laughed again, beaming a smile at Richard, “Oh, those sickos.. gosh, I’m not sure. But… those weirdos really should just be locked away with them.. is how most people think, at least..”
“Iwknow.. something kind of romantic to it, from some angles.. Some would say. The cliché of killing for love and all”
“I suppose.. Folie à deux”
“What’s that now?” Richard asked, giggling in response to Henry laughing at him.
“Madness shared by two”
“Ah.. so that’s what’s happened here? How you got me- Us . We’ve descended into some sort of madness-”
“Well, that seems feasible, actually. What can we expect after worshiping Dionysus after all. Seems fitting.”
“Well.. I never did. Remember, you all left me out of the actual fun bit of the festivities.” Richard squinted at Henry who only smiled, retorting, “Ah.. that’s right. Well.. it’s for the best. Imagine how much more mad you'd have gone if you had. This is just by-proxy madness you’re experiencing. You probably would've already been bedded by me had you partaken in our escapades.”
Richards eyebrows perked up at that. Laughing.
“You think so, huh? Wow, that Dionysian madness is something else. I don't know.. Kinda makes me want to try it even more now.”
“Well.. you could just join me and take what i did.. Just to help you relax some. Maybe the spirit will visit you. Maybe not, but still.. couldn’t hurt.”
Smirking, mid eye rolling him, joking more, Richard leans down and kisses him again, softly.
Henry’s a bit stunned by the gentle nature of it. It feels so tender he can't help but imagine in an instant; his touch, his skin, having more and then all of him. Exploring, learning and loving him in ways he was almost certain no other man had yet to. The fact that Richard liked him back caused him to smile into the kiss. Hearing the echo of their conversation swirling in his head.
“Were you seriously offering though?.. Because..” Richard had pulled away to ask.
Henry only bit his grinning lip as he got up, slowing at the doorway to toss over in a knowing sort of telling way. “You coming?”
As he went on to go out to the kitchen to make him the same laced herbal tea concoction.