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They say when you’re drowning, your body hurts like nothing else. You can’t bring yourself to breathe in until the very last moment. Until your eyes feel like they're bulging out of your head and you can’t possibly do anything else. When you finally take that breath in, the peace you feel is overwhelming.
Amane supposes that’s how his life is. Suffering up until the very end. His life is just like drowning. It's an easy analogy.
He had been bullied ever since he first came out. No one liked trans people. The only one that was there for him was Tsuchigomori and Tsukasa. He loved both the men. They were his lifeline. They were what kept him from taking that final breath.
His brother followed through with whatever Amane felt he needed to do to look more masculine. If he needed to cut his hair, his brother helped him. If he tried to lower his voice, so did Tsukasa. If he needed to bind, Tsukasa was there with whatever they wanted to try. Multiple bras, duct tape, bandages, whatever. Tsukasa was always there.
Tsuchigomori always bandaged his cuts and bruises from his bullies. He always stayed after school and listened to him ramble. He was always there. He loved the man like he was his dad.
He wished Tsuchigomori was his dad.
The science classroom was his safe place. A place home couldn’t ever be.
On one sleepless night, Amane found himself sitting with his brother on his bed. They shared a bedroom so it was a common occurrence.
“Amane?”
“Hm?”
“I have a favor to ask you.”
Amane looked at his brother. Sometimes.. Sometimes Tsukasa has a certain tone to his voice. The one that told Amane this wasn’t his brother he was talking to. He hated that tone.
“..What is it…?” He asked cautiously. He knew whatever the favor was, he wouldn’t like it.
“Kill me.”
Tsukasa spoke without hesitation.
“What..?”
Tsukasa smiled at him, it was clear he wasn’t joking.
“Kill me!! I don’t care how! Shove my head underwater until I stop squirming!! Electrocute me! Stab a knife into my chest until the blood is all over the floor and life leaves my eyes! I want to know how it feels, Amane!”
Tsukasa has a bright smile on his face, showing off the fangs they both liked to joke about. He looked filled with joy for once in his life. Amane’s breath stopped in his throat. He couldn’t breathe.
“Tsukasa.. I… I can’t just..”
His brother stared at him blankly, not seeming to register his absolute terror.
“Why Amane? Do you not want to make me happy?” His face looked twisted in a way he couldn’t describe, “Do you not care about me?”
His brother.. If Tsukasa was dead.. Then.. Who would he have? He would have Tsuchigomori but.. But that was temporary at best. If Tsukasa was gone.. And.. and Tsuchigomori was gone..
He felt his eyes well up with tears, Tsukasa stared at him with that disgustingly blank expression,
“Don’t cry Amane.”
His voice was wrong. This wasn’t his brother. His brother wasn’t like this . Tsukasa was nice.. He.. he always supported him through his transition!! He wouldn’t say anything about how Amane was supposed to kill him. This wasn’t his brother. This wasn’t his brother. This wasn’t his brother. This wasn’t his brother!!
Kill him.
If.. If he wasn’t his brother.. Then.. It would be easy. He could get his real brother back. The one that was there for him. The one who was there when he was always sick.
It was the only way.
Tsukasa sat across from him with a large grin.
“You want to do it, Amane.”
He found himself nodding.
“You want to kill me.”
He nodded again.
Tsukasa leaned forward, his face next to his ear,
“ Do it .” He whispered, “Tomorrow, do it. Kill me Amane.”
He would. He would kill his brother. It was the only way .
Amane didn’t sleep that night. His mind reeled after that simple conversation with Tsukasa. He could hear his brother snoring. How he could sleep after a conversation about that ? He will never understand.
The next day seemed to last forever. He was so tired . This was the day. He would kill his brother. The thought of it still made him want to throw up.
There was a kitchen knife in his backpack. He didn’t tell anyone he had it. It was there for one reason and one reason only. He had taken it off the knife block in the morning. No one had seen him do it .
Tsuchigomori’s class was the last one of the day. He didn’t stay after like he usually did.
“Yugi Amame.” Tsuchigomori called out after him. Shit . He turned to face him. A couple people snickered. They always did when his chosen name was used.
“Yes Sensei?” He smiled as innocently as possible, like he wasn’t about to go commit a crime. The classroom was empty now.
A look of endearment crossed the man’s face.
“Are you doing ok?”
And oh did he want to fall apart right there.
“I’m fine, Sensei. I just didn’t get much sleep last night.”
Tsuchigomori’s eyes narrowed but he nodded.
Amane left the room quickly.
He found Tsukasa in the locker room. He was sitting on the bench with a small smile on his face.
“Are you ready Am-a-ne?” He said each syllable of his name, like they were playing some sort of game.
“Mhm..” He barely whispered.
He walked over to Tsukasa slowly. Taking his brother by the hand, he led him to the girl’s bathroom. It was the last one cleaned, no one would suspect him being here, it gave him time. Simple reasons. The fact he had thought this through made him want to vomit.
He pushed Tsukasa to the ground. The knife was in his hands now. How did it get there? It was cold. He saw himself in the reflection. Was that really what he looked like? He didn’t even recognize himself. He looked at his brother below him, he was smiling.
“Do it Amane.” He whispered to him, “Kill me.”
He stabbed downwards. Blood. He did it again. More blood. Again again again again. Blood was everywhere. His hands were covered in blood. His uniform was covered in blood. The knife was warm now.
Tears fell down his face. Tsukasa laid lifeless under him. He stuck the knife inside him and got up. There was a puddle underneath his brother. There was one place he could think of going to.
He wanted Tsuchigomori. He looked in the mirror for a moment and started to wash the blood off himself. He reached into his backpack and pulled out a spare uniform he always kept on him. He quickly changed and put the uniform covered in his brother’s blood inside the 3rd stall. He didn’t know why, but he did.
He pulled himself together and went to Tsuchigomori’s classroom. The man was still grading papers.
“Tsuchigomori Sensei..?” he asked hesitantly. The man looked up,
“I thought you’d be home Yugi..”
“I-I..” He quickly thought of an excuse, “I was stopped..”
Tsuchigomori looked at him, an expression of what looked like pity was clear on his face. He pulled out the first aid kit.
“Come on then.”
Amane went over and sat down, looking away from his teacher.
“I’ve told you a dozen times… I just want to help you, as your teacher..” The man sighed, “So don’t look at me like that, Yugi…”
Tsuchigomori started to treat his bruises with a cotton ball. Amane had actually gotten beaten up earlier that day, he was thankful for this time, he supposed.
“This happens every single day. Don’t you think it's about time you told me who’s behind this?”
Amane stayed silent. He deserved the bullying for what he just did… No.. It wasn’t good enough. There needed to be a better punishment for what he had done.
“Cat got your tongue again?” Tsuchigomori sighed as he wrapped bandages around his wounds, “Geez.. You’ve been like this since your first year here.”
Tsuchigomori was talking. He wasn’t listening. There was a simple solution to what he deserves. A life for a life, that was the best way to put it.
“Amane Yugi!” Tsuchigomori’s voice brought him back.
“Get off my back Tsuchigomori Sensei.”
“You little..” The man sighed, “Look kid.. I’m worried about you.”
Amane had to stifle a laugh. He deserved it.
“Worried? About this? It's totally fine. Not a problem” He was being honest. Suddenly there were hands on his shoulders. Tsuchigomori seemed frustrated.
“It is a problem!” He looked up at the man’s disapproving gaze, “Just what kind of reason could justify hurting someone this bad–”
“I’m fine!!” He interrupted his teacher. He couldn’t take it. He deserved it for what he just did. For what a freak of nature he was for being trans. “Even if no one else would ever forgive it..” He needed something to add , “Even if there's no reason to justify it..” He deserves it , “I forgive it.”
Tsuchigomori went quiet. He needs to change the subject.
“Sensei. I want you to know…” He smiled some, “I have a lunar rock!”
“Huh?”
“It came one night when I was about four. It fell from the sky, right in front of me!” He pulled out the rock from his pocket. He always kept it on him… He wouldn’t need it soon.. “This is it!”
Tsuchigomori took him to sit down,
“Would you believe me if I told you it was real?”
Tsuchigomori very clearly did not believe it was a lunar rock.
“...No.” His teacher said, Amane burst out laughing at how blunt he was.
“Thought not!” He said with another laugh.
He had to think for a moment before he spoke again. Tsukasa knew it was a lunar rock too.
“But we believe it's real. And that's why no matter what anyone says, this is a lunar rock!!”
He smiled some and hopped up,
“Sensei, how far do you think the moon is from the earth?” He didn’t wait for Tsuchigomori’s response, “380,000 kilometers away!” He drew it on the board quickly. Amane held up his moon rock in front of Tsuchigomori,
“And that's how far this baby traveled to get here from the moon! Isn’t that incredible?! Even a rock like this…” He wanted to go to space too, “Can go that far.”
He looked at Tsuchigomori again,
“It's my prized possession.”
His teacher looked irritated.
“We're not talking about the moon, Yugi. Were talking about yo–”
“Hey! Look at that!!” He interrupted again. Talking about space made it easy for him to not think about what he had just done. And what he was about to do .
“Listen to me!” Tsuchigomori watched him, annoyed.
“Sensei! The moon’s already out!!” He opened the window. Maybe Tsuchigomori would pick up on his plan if he just…
The man turned around to get the first aid kit again.
“Have you ever wanted to go to the moon, Sensei?”
“Huh?”
Tsuchigomori turned around to see Amane standing in the window. A horrified expression turned onto his face. His bandages were undone. He didn’t care. Standing here… He felt free .
“Well.. I have…” He put the rock in front of his vision, making it look like part of the moon, “The moon’s so big and beautiful.”
He started to stand on his tippy toes. Maybe he would fall. Maybe Tsuchigomori would stop him. He didn’t care.
“Maybe that's why I just..” He trailed off, “I feel like it's gotta be a great place.”
His teacher hurried up behind him,
“Just a— Be careful!!” The first aid kit hit the ground with a slam, “Get down from there! Now!!”
Amane turned to look at his teacher, slapping his hand away. He didn’t deserve it. Just like he didn’t deserve..
“Hey Sensei.” He tried to think of the right words to say, “Sensei you said.. You’re worried about me, right?”
“Yeah.”
“You said you want to help me.”
“I did.”
“Then.. would you do just one thing for me?” Amane asked cautiously.
“..Alright..” Tsuchigomori looked confused.
“Great!!” Amane grinned, “Then here, take this.” At least once he's gone, his lunar rock will be safe. Shock crossed his teacher’s face,
“Isn’t this your prized possession?” He asked in confusion.
“Yeah..” He needed to make an excuse, “It's just.. Whenever I look at that rock, I feel like I could go anywhere. But..”
Amane shifted his position in the window sill, now completely facing Tsuchigomori,
“I’ve made up my mind now, I’m not going anywhere.”
Tsuchigomori stared at the lunar rock in his hand.
“You.. What..? Yugi, you’ve wanted to go to the moon for so long.. What's changed?”
Amane didn’t respond. Instead, going towards the door,
“Goodbye Sensei.”
He left the science classroom for the last time.
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Amane waited a long time for everyone in the school to leave. He had hid in the locker room while he waited. He had heard police sirens and lots of fuss when they found Tsukasa’s body.
He heard they were closing the school for a few days for an investigation. Too bad the murderer will be.. Well..
The school was completely empty now. He slowly made his way up the stairs. He walked up.. Up.. Up.. Up to the top floor. He went into the nearest classroom and walked through all the desks.
There was a homework assignment on the blackboard. It wasn’t for him but it was there. Someone left their book on the desk. He looked down at it out of curiosity.
It was just a textbook. Nothing special or important about it.
He let out a sigh, going to the window at the back of the classroom. He opened it and felt the cool breeze of night. He looked up at the stars, maybe that's where he would go after all of this. He would go to space and make the stars sparkle. Or maybe nothing will happen and he will stay here, just like he told Tsuchigomori about.
Not that he particularly cared. He just wanted to leave now.
He stepped into the window sill. The bandages Tsuchigomori had helped with were now coming undone again. He smiled, despite everything, space was still perfect.
He jumped.
The wind fell through his hair. He felt.. Free. This was like that final breath you take when drowning. It was finally time. He was finally free. A smile stretched across his face and everything went black.
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The school was shut down for a week and a half. The police were able to track the murder to Amane.
There wasn’t a report on it all. Tsuchigomori didn’t know who died. He hadn’t had the chance to check the library. It wasn’t a big deal to him. He was a supernatural, there was no need to form attachment to all the kids in the school.
When Amane didn’t show up to class he didn’t think much of it, the kid skipped all the time. He had read his future already. He knew the death couldn’t be him.
When the kid showed up at the end of the day, he was covered in blood. More blood than he had ever seen on the kid,
“Shit Yugi!!” He reached to grab the phone he kept at his desk, “We need to call someone for this!! Come here let me see if I can–”
“You can see me?”
Tsuchigomori’s finger froze as he was about to dial the emergency number,
“What..? Yugi don’t tell me.. You..”
Amane simply nodded,
“I’m dead, Sensei.”
What?
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Hanako smiled as Tsuchigomori took Yashiro back to destroy the yorishiro. He briefly wondered what the yorishiro actually was, however he didn’t dwell on it for long.
He didn’t need to.
Obviously it wouldn’t be important to him.