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"Why do you think they were allowed in?" I ask Jesse quietly as we eat our lunch. I'm not too hungry today though, I've felt like this a lot lately. Everything feels pointless, even eating.
"Who?" Jesse asks, he seems to be the exact opposite to me. He takes humongous bites of his turkey sandwich, chewing loudly. It's disgusting, but I don't say that to him.
"That girl... and the guy who was with her," Is what I say instead, I begin pulling the crusts off of my sandwich, fiddling with them. I realise that I'm no better than Jesse, he probably thinks that I'm slightly disgusting too.
Jesse rolls his eyes as he continues to chow down on his sandwich, looking utterly unbothered, "You're still thinking about that? They're probably just relatives of Tommy's or something."
I ignore Jesse's comment, continuing with my inconsistent rambling, "Do you think that the man is the girl's dad?"
"I don't know," Jesse groans, "Probably," he pauses, before adding, "But I literally couldn't care less."
I sigh at his ignorance, "Jesse! You're no help at all. Does this not intrigue you in the slightest?"
"What do you mean?"
"That there's another teenager here? She seems cool," I say without even thinking, not that it's a lie. She does look interesting, like there's story to be told. Unruly hair tied up into a ponytail, a stubborn face, and loud voice. She looks like trouble, the kind of trouble I wouldn't mind being involved with, but still trouble nonetheless.
"What she looks like, is trouble," he continues, as if reading my mind. He says it with venom though, "And I don't feel like being involved with trouble. We're safe here Dina, you and I. It's just us, and we can trust one another. I don't wanna fuck anything up by befriending someone who we shouldn't."
I stare a Jesse for a second, he's looking at me genuinely now. I feel bad, I guess. Actually, I don't. Not really. He's just being selfish.
"Well, I saw them heading into the barn a few minutes ago with Maria and Tommy. I'm going to introduce myself," I say confidently, standing up from the bench with force. Jesse's mouth parts slightly, as if prepared to protest, but he closes it quickly in acceptance that no amount of pleading would stop me. He knows me too well, which is why it'd be so dangerous if he was to betray me. But I do trust him, and I hope he still trusts me, even after this. Especially with children born after the apocalypse, we're taught not to trust anyone. Maria was the person who taught me that. I still remember it. When I was ten, she was stood there in front of me. A child whose name I couldn't remember had stolen my charm bracelet. I was crying, I said that she had betrayed me. To a child, that is betrayal, it doesn't matter that the bracelet was actually somewhat worthless.
Maria didn't ridicule me. Instead, she kneeled down so we were face to face, and then spoke clearly, "Be careful who you put your faith in. The only people who can betray us, are the ones we trust."
I nodded at that, and I thought about it deeply. It has stuck with me since this day. I even carved those exact words into one of the wood planks underneath my bed using a pocketknife that I found whilst doing my daily duties around the town. I was in a barn where there had been a party the night before, and it was just there in all its glory. I took it, assuming that it's owner had forgotten about it. I ended up getting rid of it after a few days because I was so afraid of getting into trouble, but it was still nice to hard it for a short period of time.
I'm brought back into real life as I notice Jesse nodding in acceptance, "Okay, Dina. I'll trust you on this one."
I smile gratefully, "You won't regret it."
Our conversation feels less tense now, and just as I'm about to walk away, I notice him eyeing my torn apart sandwich. So just to restore the peace more, I say, "You can have my sandwich if you want. But if you do eat it, that's kinda gross considering that my hands have been all over it, and you know that."
"We're living through an apocalypse Dina. Food is scarce, I'm taking everything I can get."
I shrug, "You've got a point."
He seems to be ignoring me now, indulging in the extra food, so I begin to walk away. A smile is plastered on my face as I begin to near the barn, the snow crunches softly underneath my feet. I'm suddenly aware of the way my heart beats in my chest, pounding quickly. Am I nervous? No way in hell. I don't get nervous.
I'm beginning to near the barn now, my hands are shaking slightly. I lie to myself, saying that it's because of the cold. Luckily, I don't have to think about it for too long though, because I find myself waving at some of the other villagers. They wave back, and smile. My heart rate is evening out again now, thank goodness.
I enter the doorway of the barn. The smell of fresh pine immediately envelopes me in a warm hug. I feel safe, not nervous. Not anymore.
That's when I see them. When i see her. She's gorging on a large mountain of food, whilst carelessly stuffing her pockets with jerky. God, she has nerve. Seriously though, who do she think she is? Waltzing in here and stealing our well earned food.
I suddenly feel a surge of confidence, so I begin to walk closer to the table where the girl sits with the same man she arrived with, along with Tommy and Maria. My steps are slow, as I'm trying to make as little noise as possible, and I'm allowing my hands to drag on the wooden beams.
I begin to get closer and closer , finally grabbing the closest beam to the table. Luckily it's far away enough that it won't make things awkward, but also close enough that I can get a good view. I hide behind the beam, watching her eat for a few seconds. She must be hungry, I think. They must've been travelling. It'd explain her lack of table manners, and also the mountains of food her and the man have on their plates.
However, I'm only able to watch silently for a few more seconds, because the girl soon looks up. She's noticed my staring, and she stares back at me for a second. Her eyebrows furrow as she spits at me, "What?"
I feel caught, like a deer in headlights. Everyone sitting at the table looks over at me. I feel my eyes going wide, and I begin to speed walk away, begging my legs to go faster to remove myself from this utter humiliation.
Soon afterwards, I hear the man ask her, "What's wrong with you?" His voice is surprisingly soft, much less abrupt than hers.
I stop in my tracks for a second, taking one last look at the girl again as she speaks back to the man, asking in an equally agressive tone that she spoke to me in, "What about her manners?"
I can still feel her eyes boring into the back of my head, but once I hear Maria speaking again. Her voice is calming too, as she says, "She's just curious." I almost smile at that comment, grateful that Maria is sticking up for me. But I can't help but feel guilty. The girl’s tone in that moment was hostile, it made me feel like an intruder. Which, perhaps I am. But I can’t change that now, the deed is done.
At least I know that I'm safe since Maria has started speaking now. The girl must've averted her gaze to Maria. Surely, since she's talking. I stealthily jump behind one of the other, much father away, beams and continue to listen to their conversation.
“Kids around here don’t usually look or talk like you,” Maria continues. She definitely got that one right.
“Right,” I hear the girl say, I can tell that she is unconvinced. Even without seeing her face. But before I can think about the audacity that she has to be this rude to these adults, she is already speaking again, “Well, maybe I’ll teach them,” she quips. Her voice is stubborn, stern, self-assured. She really is cool, I can’t help but think. I’d like to be her friend, I’d like for her to teach me her ways. She’s a closed book, and there’s nothing that I want more right now than to open her up and indulge in every single page. There’s just something about her, it’s enchanting.
After a moment of thought, I decide that I should probably leave now. I’ve heard enough, perhaps I’ll see the girl again sometime. Maybe I won’t. But as I’m walking through the snow again, I realise that I’m still thinking about her . We definitely didn’t have the best first encounter, but there’s a certain warmth in my heart that tells me I should be grateful that she’s here.