Chapter Text
Ayan loved uni. Loved the freedom, the people, the classes, even the work. It was safe to say it was his spiritual home. He decided this about five minutes after their first day. It was so much freer than school. Less oppressive and definitely more open-minded. He got to study what he chose, they could have fun while they were living away from home without the proper responsibility of being an adult yet. No proper bills, no full-time jobs, just school work, and fun, plus Akk was right there with him. What’s not to love?
He got to spend every night with Akk because their dorms were in the same building. He loved it.
But whereas Aye was coming out of his shell, Akk was going back into his. He retreated into himself, became shy and quiet, hesitated to hold his hand in public, and didn’t make new friends beyond class. Even the people on the swim club were only surface-level friends.
Aye was worried enough that he’d called Kan one rare evening he and Akk weren’t together. Kan could be surprisingly deep when he wanted to be.
He’d surmised that Akk was having trouble adjusting to a place outside of his comfort zone.
“That’s crazy, how can Suppalo of all places be his comfort zone?” He’d argued.
“Think about it,” Kan said. “It might have been a terrible place that made us all think and do terrible things, him especially, but those last six months? Despite the head teacher having it in for him, we all had a safe place to be ourselves. To be out. It’s where he met you,” he emphasised that last part and Aye couldn’t help the warmth that settled over him.
“But this is university, there’s no reason to hide here, there’s loads of gay people, but he’s so worried about letting anyone know we’re more than friends.” Aye ran his hand through his hair. “He’s not said it in so many words, but he won’t hold my hand on campus. I miss holding his hand, Kan.” Akk had nice fingers, they were long and elegant and they felt perfect tangled with his.
Kan snorted at his pain. “Have you actually talked about this? You know Akk, he keeps all his worries to himself, he bottles up everything because he thinks that’s best for us. You need to be your typical annoying self and weasel it out of him.”
“I am not annoying.” Kan made a disgusting sound at the back of his throat and if he wasn’t having this conversation over the phone Aye would thwap him over the head for it.
“He’s a worrier and an overthinker. Do you know how many times me and Thua have had to come out since we got to uni? To his new friends, to mine, to the clubs we joined, and sometimes to the people we bump into on the street. It’s exhausting and you never know how the conversation is going to go, so it’s always tense for a while.”
“We were doing so good at Suppalo for those last few months.”
“Maybe, but everyone knew about us then. And Akk never got to come out on his own did he? So this is a new experience for him.
I love Thua, but he took that choice from you guys, so now Akk is at a new place where he faces having to come out for the first time, it’s hard. Those last few months at school? They were good, man. We were in our own little bubble safe from the world. And I’m not saying that university is bad or anything but I miss those carefree months after all the shit went down and we could be ourselves without question or explanation.”
“I guess.” He’d never thought of that. Aye had been out at his old school, and it hadn’t bothered him much if the whole of Suppalo knew. They’d all forgiven Thua, knew it was said in the heat of the moment after everything else that was happening at school and in his home life.
Aye suddenly felt homesick for their friends. For Kan’s sparse insightfulness, Thua’s gentleness, and Wat’s way of relating everything to movies. “Maybe we should all try and meet up next month? I miss us all hanging out.”
“That’s a good idea. Akk is—delicate after what happened with the teachers and students at Suppalo, he’s probably terrified of rocking the boat at uni, of causing some kind of scene, and having eyes on him. He’s never been a rule breaker, and what happened back then only heightened his anxiety.”
“It wasn’t his fault. Those teachers were in the wrong.” Just because Chadok was grieving his Uncle Dika didn’t give him an automatic pass for what he’d done to Akk. “Being gay isn’t breaking any rules.”
“We know, but many people hate us for it anyway. And you know Akk, he takes everything in on himself, takes the blame.”
He thought about it for a second, the phone becoming hot against his ear. “So you think he’s retreating in on himself so…what? So he doesn’t make another mistake?”
“Maybe. So he flies under the radar, if he keeps his head down, does academically well so he doesn’t make another mistake that can’t be brushed under the carpet because he’s a not kid anymore.”
“I thought he’d enjoy uni, that he’d open up and realise how awesome it is and how many friends he could make. I was worried he’d leave me for dust once we got here.”
“Yeah. Not gonna happen. You’re stuck with our serious, empathetic, academically gifted, and emotionally stunted friend for life.”
That sounded more like a threat than a comment but it made Aye feel better, lighter somehow.
“So I need to stop being nice and be my annoying usual self.”
“I didn’t say that. Just don’t be a pushover…Aye, Aye? Ayan, are you listening to me?”
He thought about the trip with the swim club they were going on soon and started to make plans. “Thanks Kan, got to go.”
“Well, shit,” Aye said to himself as he paced back and forth in his room. He had a lot to think about. He hadn’t been the supportive boyfriend he thought he’d been.
His door opened and Aye stopped pacing as Akk slipped inside, toed off his shoes, and placed his backpack on the hook next to the door.
“How did the library go?”
Akk frowned at him. “Bookish,” he said dryly and Aye walked over to him and slipped his arms around him, needing to feel him close.
“Why are you being clingy?”
“This isn’t even close to clingy.” He pressed his face into the crook of Akk’s neck and licked at the faintly salty skin. Akk always tasted of sea and sunshine and he couldn’t get enough of it.
He slipped his hands under his white shirt, scraped his nails along the base of Akk’s back and revelled in the tiny shivers his simple touch evoked. He toppled them over onto the bed and before Akk could complain he wrapped his arms and legs around him.
“I missed you.”
“You saw me this morning.” He sounded put out but he ran his fingers through Aye’s hair the way he knew he liked.
“But we didn’t have any classes together and our lunch times didn’t coincide.” He hated Thursdays because they barely got to see each other.
“Want to get a drink later? Some of our friends are going to see a band play at one of the bars near uni.”
“We’ve got swim practice early tomorrow, then we’re going on that trip to the beach with the swim club next week.”
“You’ve been studying for hours, you deserve to let your hair down.”
“I need to make sure my grades stay up.”
“Your grades are fine, baby.”
“I’ll let my hair down at the beach. Let me do more work this week and then I won’t worry while we’re away.”
Aye gave in, he’d let Akk win this one, but he was going to make sure Akk actually joined in when they were away.
“Do you think they’ll make us do those impossible trust-building activities?” Akk asked, his fingers still carding through Aye’s hair until he felt boneless.
“I think they’ll make us do silly activities. They don’t actually hate us, you know,” he teased. The swim club was actually a group of great guys and Akk would see that if he gave himself a chance to get to know them.
Aye tightened his grip around Akk’s waist. “It’s not going to be too bad. We get to share a cabin, and the swim club’s VP owns the resort so we’re getting the VIP treatment,” he waggled his eyebrows and elicited a small smile from him.
“But what if I don’t do very well at the tasks they give us? What if they don’t like me? I could lose my scholarship.”
“They already like you. They think you’re a great swimmer.” He shifted so he could look at Akk’s face, and when he saw him staring at the ceiling he nudged his forehead against him until he blinked and looked down.
“You are fantastic. You got a swim scholarship after only deciding to take swimming seriously in the last six months of our last year of high school. They are already impressed with you. This trip is for fun, it’s not going to affect your scholarship.”
And even if it did, he and his ma had already spoken and decided if Akk needed it, she would pay for his tuition. Not that he’d told his boyfriend that, he’d just work himself up over it and refuse.
“This is meant for us to get to know each other. Let your hair down. Make friends.”
Aye ruffled Akk’s hair which earned him a small smile. He nodded and forced out a deep, slow breath, as if he’d recognised that his anxiety was throwing it out of proportion.
“You don’t need to be afraid, you know? I’m here every step of the way with you.” Aye brushed back a lock of hair that had fallen into Akk’s eyes after he’d mussed it up.
“I’m sorry,” Akk whispered, his smile so sad it broke Aye’s heart.
“Why are you sorry?”
“This is supposed to be a good time for us but I’m making university a downer.”
“You are not.” He pressed a kiss to his forehead. “Not everyone takes to uni easily. It’s a lot different from school, even if you are used to living away from home.”
“But I shouldn’t be this…scared.” He finally admitted.
“After what happened at Suppalo? I’d be surprised if you weren’t. Just don’t let it stop you from experiencing everything university has to offer, okay?”
“I’ll try.”