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The moment Carina walks away from outside Maya’s hospital room she hurries to the nearest on-call room to finally break down. She starts sobbing the moment the door closes, ‘I can’t believe 7 months ago we were trying to make a baby and were at the happiest moment of our life and now my wife is lying in a hospital bed refusing any help’ she thinks to her self.
After what feels like hours Carina reassembles herself and walks out of the on-call room wondering how she is going to survive the rest of her shift with a drenching headache and her mind wondering to her wife every second. To her own surprise Carina’s 12-hour shift ends and she is sitting in her office wondering what to do. Every fibre in her body is telling her to go to that hospital room and be with her wife whether Maya wants it or not. But then Maya’s words start to play in her head again.
I gave you space when you needed it, I let you figure out your crap on your own. I didn’t call psych and get you committed. That is love, that is support!
So Carina decided to give her wife space the thing she always wanted and maybe what was best for them for now. But how much space, for how long?
Maya hurt Carina in a way she can’t describe by trowing her brothers dead in her face like that. It was something in their relationship that brought them very close and something she will always be grateful for that Maya was there for her in the worst moment of her life. It made her wonder why she was running away from the person who said those sooting words to her, who made her feel like a person again after Andrea died. But to hear the love of her life say those awful words to her was like reliving his dead all over again. She could’t do that, for her own mental health.
Carina got home on autopilot, stepping in their appartement like it was any other day. But when she stepped in the appartement she wasn’t met with the loving memories they shared in their appartement like usually. Carina was reminded of all the unanswered calls, all the night alone in bed, the negative pregnancy tests. And worse of all she saw herself lying in the kitchen and sitting on the floor in the shower after Andrea died. All she could think about was that she wouldn’t survive it if her wife pushed herself too hard again and something worse would happen to her.
So Carina decided to do what was best for her at that moment. She started packing a bag, wondering how many clothes she would need, for how long will she be gone, will she ever be sleeping in this bed again? While tossing through the bathroom supplies she stumbles on a full box of pregnancy tests and without giving it a second thought tosses them in a nearby trashcan. The baby that they both wanted so much at some point now felt like a relief that it wasn’t there. She couldn’t imagine being pregnant right now, no matter how much she wants it. At that moment for Carina it felt like something that was done, off the table because of the words her wife said to her only a few hours prior.
If you walk out that door we are done.
Carina shudders at the thought of the heart wrenching screams of her name her wife was giving her after saying that awful line. It was an ultimatum that she never thought she would hear from the women she loved the most in the world. Carina understands mental illness, she understand from experience in her family and from medical school that people with mental health issues say things like that to hurt the ones they love. But to actually hear her say that to her made her heart hurt.
Carina had packed her bag and made her way out, taking in every detail of the apartment she loved, not knowing when she will be back. She had booked a hotel that was close to the hospital, because she had a lot of early shifts the coming week. Finally laying on the cold hotel bed missing her warm bed that she used to share with her wife.
Used to?
Wife? Ex-wife?
That thought made her heart drop and her breathing started to speed up. For what felt like the hundredth time that day Carina broke down. After hours of crying Carina fell asleep, finally getting some rest.
The following days went by in a blur for Carina. Between patients she was asking Teddy updates on her wife’s lab results and wandering in the hallway where Maya’s room is located. She had thought about going in to her room more times then she can count but she was always stopped by the repeat of her wife’s words in her head that hurt her so much.
At night in the hotel room she scrolled mindless on her phone and watched some tv. Any time her phone made any noise her heart skipped a beat, thinking it is Maya. It never was. She had reminisced about calling her or sending her a text. Like a simple ‘I miss you’, but the thought of not hearing it back, getting a harsh reply or more likely no reply at all stopped her from sending that text to protect herself.
Carina needed her wife at that moment more then ever but that feeling was not mutual at that moment and she wondered if Maya and her will ever be ok after this. With this thought in her mind she cries herself asleep again in a cold Seattle hotel bedroom.