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“Ah!”
She was so cold.
Why couldn’t she find him?
He was there—but she couldn’t find him.
Something was surrounding her, clenching her body in its unrelenting fist. She couldn’t seem to catch her breath.
It was chasing her, but it somehow already had a hold on her. It always had a hold on her.
She started weeping.
Where was he?
Her cries got progressively louder and more strained.
It was inescapable. It was the feelings she denied herself when she was awake. It tore her apart, it was cathartic, and strangely, exhilarating.
She wanted it to stop—but she needed it to keep going.
It was an unyielding aching in her heart. A yearning, a longing, that could never be fulfilled. At least not in her dream—no matter how much, how far she kept on chasing it.
But it was chasing her. It was a cycle.
A never-ending, dizzying cycle that haunted her in her sleep and ruled her life when she woke.
There was only one thing that made it all stop. One thing that made it all make sense. One thing that gave her peace and love and purpose .
And she knew he was there.
She couldn’t find him—
But she knew he was there.
And that was all that mattered.
This couldn’t last too much longer, right?
She just had to keep going.
He’d take care of the rest.
He’d be enough.
She just had to not give up and believe in him.
He’d make it all make sense.
He’d turn it all for good
…
She wouldn’t give up.
She never did.
And that’s all she had to do.
She rolled over in Kanan’s arms
~
Kanan’s eyes opened slowly. He immediately looked down to see the woman he loved beside him. The first thing he saw in the morning—and he wouldn’t want it any other way.
She looked so peaceful asleep. Her mind in another world, her body vaguely still aware that he was holding her—at peace, despite everything. Despite the fact that she might be having a bad dream, despite the fears that could very well be preying on her as she snores softly beside him.
He tried protecting her from it.
But he knew that sometimes the best thing he could do for her was just let her sleep—and be there for her when she woke up—to remind her that it was just a dream, and that this was her real life now. That she had him and he would do whatever it takes to be everything she needs.
That he could do.
~
The next night:
CRASH
“AGH!” Kanan screamed.
“Kanan!”
“Ah , ” Hera cried in her sleep.
Kanan stirred, but didn’t quite wake.
He was being crushed by the giant piece of rubble on top of him.
“KANAN!”
“ Kanan! ” she moaned in agony.
She sobbed uncontrollably.
He woke at that.
“Hera?” Ridden with concern, he looked down at her to find her tossing and turning almost violently in his arms.
She was still completely asleep, but something about her pain just felt so real .
They were grasping her arms. They wouldn’t let her go. She used all the strength she had, pushed with her entire body to get them off of her—but it wasn’t enough.
She couldn’t get to him. They were keeping her from running to him.
They were forcing her to helplessly watch the man she loved suffer
“Kanan ,” this time the second syllable is a choked sob, “Kanan .”
This tore at his heart. Feeling like he was going to start crying himself, he held her closer and gently stroked the side of her face. Desperately beckoning her to wake from her nightmare, he pressed his lips to her forehead and softly called, “Hera.”
“Hera!” He reached out to her from underneath the rubble, screaming for her to save him,
but it was too late.
“NO!”
She screamed, louder than she thought she’d ever screamed before.
More rubble crumbled onto him and crushed his body completely.
“NO!” she sobbed even louder.
The rubble consumed him. The rubble got him. The rubble got her. The rubble would always get to her. The rubble would be what keeps her from him.
FEAR
That was the rubble. The unnecessary trash that took up so much space in her life. Seemingly, not a big deal—seemingly, harmless—her heart hoarded it until it filled her entire body, until it brimmed the outskirts of her very being.
How could he break through that much fear? He wasn’t sure how, but he would. He would find a way—for Hera.
“Hera, please,” he begged, “Please, wake up.” He ran his hand over the top of her lek, using all the will he had to help her escape from her awful dream. All of his energy—he focused it on trying to pull her out.
He’s gone.
“Hera,” he gently shook her.
Suddenly, she jerked awake.
She breathed heavily and looked straight ahead, as if her mind hadn’t even acknowledged that he was right there next to her. As she took in her surroundings and seemed to remember where she was, she turned to face him.
She looked into his eyes and uttered his name as if it was a miracle that he was there beside her.
“Kanan?”
“Hera,” he replied softly, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her closer. She started crying again and he just held her tighter.
He kissed the top of her head, “It’s okay, it’s okay. We’re together. No one could ever take me from you.”
She snuggled in closer to his chest. Sweet Hera. She deserves none of this.
“You’ll never lose me,” he nuzzled his face in between her lekku, “You’ll never lose me.”
“I just don’t want to be alone again,” she said in a quiet voice.
“I know–”
“And it was my fault , Kanan.”
“No, no never. Never think you’re not doing enough, Hera. Never think that you’re not enough to keep me with you—to keep anyone from taking me away.”
A silent moment, then, “But I couldn’t protect you.”
Another quiet moment passed as Kanan considered his response.
“If you need to protect me, you’ll be more than capable of doing so, Hera…but you just have to trust me when I say that no one can keep me from you, okay?”
Hera hesitated, then against his chest said, “I’ll try.”
“It’s okay, it’s okay,” he responded gently. “I’ll prove it to you. Every day.” He ran his hand up and down her back soothingly, “Okay?”
“Okay,” she said in a slightly happier voice than before. She nuzzled sweetly into his chest. He could tell she was drifting back to sleep.
“I love you,” he said against her forehead.
“I love you too,” she smiled sleepily.