Chapter Text
January, 2016.
We don't truly appreciate what we have until it's gone, that's something Jisung heard often during his youth, mostly from older people or from the dramas he enjoyed watching, he never really paid attention to it. Until the day he harshly had to realize it was true.
If someone asked him, he would say life was amazing. At least his life was. He was now in high school and was quite a character there. Not that he was popular or recognised somehow between the other students, he was simply just good at anything even if it was something completely new to him, like the time he taught himself how to draw in less than a week just so he could beat Hyunjin in their art class.
Or when he painfully spent weeks burning his own hands when learning how to bake, just so his family would appreciate his cookies more than his cousin's cookies. It was not like someone was really setting up a competition against him, he just felt the need of proving himself more effective than others, but it didn't matter in the end since Felix didn't give shit about it. He actually started to demand Jisung's help every time he wanted to try something new in the kitchen, so it was Jisung's loss after all.
Still, the person he wanted to outdo the most was his oldest brother, Chan. It was a love-hate relationship, from Jisung's perspective. He hated that Chan had a different mother and had two other siblings that Jisung didn't share a bond with. He hated that Chan was more connected with his sister, Hannah, than he had ever been with him. He hated Hannah too. He also hated that Chan was living with his other siblings in Australia and would only come to stay over during his few breaks from college, wasn't Jisung important to him too? He hated Chan with all his heart for neglecting him so much, even if it wasn't his intention, so he wanted to be better than him.
But nothing came to his mind each time he was thinking about it. Chan was invincible, he would always come to this conclusion while letting out a long sigh.
And that's one of the moments Jisung loved his brother, because he would always think that the youngest defeated semblance was due to him being tired from school, then would approach with his pathetic smile and dumb dimples to pat the boy's head with fondness. Jisung would never tell him how much he loved their little affectionate moments.
"Are you okay, Hannie?"
"Ew, let go of me Chris!"
"Oh? That's a new one, you never call me like that." Chan says, lowering himself to Jisung's height. Not that he was tall or that Jisung was too short, but the youngest was still a teenager and there was 6 years of difference between them.
"I'm just trying something out, your lovely sister always calls you like this."
Jisung watches as his brother's annoying smile gets even more annoying. Before he's able to say something in protest, he's being pulled by the other, getting his head locked in a firm grip by Chan's very much strong arm.
"C'mon, don't be jealous like this, there's Chan for all of my siblings. Do you wanna hang out?"
Even if Jisung proclaimed, mentally, to hate Chan, they always had fun together when he was staying over. It was such a good time that he would almost forget about his hard feelings on the oldest, but it would hit him way worse when seeing his brother leaving once more.
It was part of life, he told himself. People can't stay just because he wants them to. Not even his brother that he loved so much.
The time when Jisung finally stopped trying to be better than every living being around him was when Lee Minho came around. He was a new student and Jisung found himself stealing glances at him for the rest of the day. He was just too good looking to be true. Well, he was a very common 17 years old looking, from a general perspective, but to Jisung he was truly mesmerizing.
He didn't want to be better than the Lee guy, he wanted to be noticed by him.
From that day on, it was a routine to stare at Minho during the whole class, including the break time. The boy even caught glimpses of Jisung looking at him sometimes, doing nothing but chuckling a little every time it happened.
It's like he was waiting for Jisung to take the first step.
But wasn't it obvious Jisung was about to have a heart attack just thinking of doing the first move?
"There's nothing to be nervous about, you're making it sound like you're attracted to him." Hannah's voice suddenly made an appearance. He may have or may have not called his brother, who's in another country, just to ask how to interact with someone who seems interesting. Of course he was deeply ashamed to ask for advice from his adult brother, but the oldest is friendly even to trees, so he surely knows how to help. However, he didn't expect Chan's sister to be hearing the conversation and it made him even more ashamed. "Wait, is that it? Are you attracted to him?"
"Fuck off Hannah, leave my room!" Jisung thinks it was the smartest thing Chan ever said in his life.
"Aw, I'm going. Jisung, I wish you luck with your lover boy. And you should come with Chris next time, little bro."
Jisung hated Hannah, don't get him wrong.
But if his cheeks were feeling warm after being called little bro by her it was because the summer was almost melting him, not because he liked the times when she called him that way.
"Bye Hannah." He said, lower.
The next day he felt so ready to go and try to start a conversation with Minho, but it took him a glance from the boy when he saw Jisung approaching for him to back off.
Call him a coward, but he never turned the other way so fast in his life. There went another week without daring to speak to Minho, because Jisung could be an overthinking little ball sometimes, and the thought he would embarrass himself if he tried to talk with the boy was stronger than him.
His struggling was apparently too obvious, maybe kinda annoying, since Minho grew tired of waiting for him to come to him and was sitting on Jisung's desk one day.
Jisung was sure his eyes doubled their size when he entered the classroom and saw the scene, instant anxiety reaching his now wet hands. But he walked towards his desk with a fake confidence, leaving his backpack above it and offering a big smile to the boy who was sitting in his chair.
"What's up bro?"
Minho blinked a few times in a row.
Of course he would be dumb enough to call the boy he was staring at over two weeks, like a shitty stalker, by 'bro'.
"Hey dude."
But maybe Minho was dumber than him.
"I think I know you from somewhere." He continued to say.
"Oh no, you could only come up with that excuse after two weeks?"
"That's the best I thought of! You're the one who has been looking at me nonstop, you should've come up with something instead." Minho pouted.
"Well, you were looking back if you noticed."
The conversation didn't last much longer, since the teacher arrived after a few minutes, but it was enough for both boys to get even more curious about the other.
Usually, Jisung didn't like to meet new people.
It was too draining for him to keep thinking of what to say and how to act, always ending up on him making something weird and causing an awkward silence, so now he would mostly just avoid any new contact with people he didn't need in his life. But even if the feeling was weird, he really wanted to be friends with Minho.
And it didn't take a long time for it to happen after their first direct contact.
They clicked really well together, talking to Minho was a little demanding at first, but now the flow of their conversations seems natural. Their personalities were similar, Jisung thought. Not in a 'both of us have terrifying social skills' way but in a 'both of us are weird' way. Minho definitely knew how to deal with other people unlike Jisung, but he always had random shit to say on topics completely not related.
Jisung was glad that the boy was like this. It was amusing to have met someone who would say whatever was on his mind and he couldn't be happier having his first real friend that wasn't from his own family, like Felix.
"Can you do something for me?" Speaking of the devil. Jisung rolled to the other side of his bed to clearly see his cousin's face.
"No."
"Good, then keep editing this powerpoint, pretty please! You just need to copy and paste what they sent on the group chat." Felix put a notebook on his lap without any worries. "I have to buy cardboard."
"Is it a school project? Did you push it until the last second again cause you wanted to play Fortnite?"
"You know me too well. My group won't put my name on the work if I don't do the powerpoints, and buy cardboard apparently. I don't even know what they're gonna do with it but I might just happily buy it for my grades."
And just like this, he vanished.
Felix is a great person, being his friend, his cousin in Jisung's case, means to constantly get serotonin doses. But being his classmate, especially in a group work, must be a nightmare.
Jisung was more than used to the boy coming to him every now and then asking for help.
"This bitch."
He adjusted himself on his bed to make what the boy asked for. He couldn't help but see the multiple chats opened when he was searching for the group chat, and it made him realize he didn't ask for Minho's number yet.
The thing about their friendship is that even if it was working great, they never did it outside the school. There wasn't a reason for it, things just happened to be like this. But now, seeing how Felix kept in touch with apparently everyone from three different classes, he wanted to try it too.
"Give me your number. Here. Put it there." Was the first thing he told Minho when seeing each other after the weekend, handing his phone at the same time.
"Oh, so you're not just virtually ghosting me." Minho grinned, taking up the phone.
"What do you mean?"
"I've been following you on Instagram for over a month now, but you never followed back. I was about to turn into that boy from Weak Hero Class."
Jisung laughed a little, not really getting what Minho was talking about but just following along.
"There you go. Text me later so I can save your number too."
Min Pspsps(cat) was the name on his screen. The boy really did have this fixation with cats, even if he was always showing Jisung pics of his dog. He was a cat person and it was adorable. Not that being a cat person is a characteristic to make you think someone is adorable but when it comes to Minho it kinda was.
When he got home that day, he spent part of his afternoon stalking the boy's profile on Instagram after following him back. He thought Minho would be someone who didn't like to share his life on social media that much, a low profile, so it was shocking for him to see the boy was publishing almost 20 pictures every week. From zooming in his eyes, to the food he was having for the day, to trees, to the sky, to him standing in front of a dirty mirror, to his hand comparing sizes with Jisung's hand, everything could be found there.
"Wait, what the…"
Jisung remembers that day, they were playing with their hands and started to compare them after Minho was done losing to him. However, he didn't notice Minho took a picture of it, too blinded by his own smile, just like he unconsciously was right now. He took a screenshot, sending it on Minho's chat.
Jisung :
you adore me too much im flattered
Min Pspsps(cat) :
never
its just an aesthetic pic
hated that it was with you
look at my dog
(Picture)
He was for sure the best person to change subjects just like that, but it was fun for Jisung. They kept sending texts during that day and for the following days too. Even the times when Jisung was busy with his millions of homework, his mind was on how happy and relieved Minho would be when copying his answers. A bright smile on the boy's face when saying 'I guess being your friend really has some advantages', then getting a weak punch on his shoulder from Jisung.
They were basically inseparable at some point.
At school, Jisung started to appreciate the concept of pairing up with someone in a duo if the person in question was Minho. Usually it was stressful, he would always take all the work on his back because he didn't want his duo to mess up or do their part in a way he thought wasn't good enough, and even if with Minho he still tried to have control, the boy never agreed to it. They both would come to terms after a brief contemplation and equal effort was applied by the two of them. It felt so easy this way that the work was always done before the expected, so they were often whispering gossip about the class while their classmates were all too busy to pay attention.
The first time Minho came to Jisung's house after school, Felix was sitting in the living room with his phone on hands, probably playing a game. They studied in the same school but in different periods, so the boy was often on Jisung's house waiting for him to come back. Jisung didn't have a problem with that, but now that Minho was there and knowing Felix loved to tease him about the other boy, he definitely had.
"Dude, are you motherless? Your house is on the other side of the street, why are you always here?"
"Auntie is my second mom, she told me." Felix gave him a quick glance not paying much attention, which quickly changed when he noticed Minho by his side. A smirk appeared on his face, he definitely thought of saying something but just kept it for himself, choosing to be polite instead. "Minho? Finally you came, at this point I thought he was just crazy and made up an imaginary friend to hang out with." Well, polite somehow. Minho laughed at Jisung's offended look.
"He was about to do it, so I showed up just in time to save him."
"Can both of you get out of my house?"
Minho held Jisung's shoulders, more like started to shake the boy around.
"Deep inside we love you."
The three of them kept talking in the living room, which soon progressed to a movie session. Felix comfortably spread on the couch while Minho was sitting in the corner almost falling. Jisung was sitting on a plushie over the for between Minho's legs, an awkward position trying to lie down his head on Minho's knee, but still he wanted to stay still like that.
When he started to pat Jisung's head, said boy felt shy. The touch was different even if Minho was doing the same thing several other people, all from his family, used to do.
Jisung knew he was attracted to Minho already. Not that he wanted to do something about it, he just thought his friend was pretty and kissable. But at that moment, with Minho's fingers running through his hair, he realized the attraction was leading to something else.
"Sung." Minho whispered, his fingers now caressing Jisung's ear. Jisung felt his cheeks heating up.
"What is it?"
"My knee feels numb."
Embarrassed wasn't even close to what Jisung was feeling now. He fixed his own posture, making his back ache from the weird position he was in just to be touching the other.
The rest of the movie was peaceful, without any plot twist, which meant it was a boring movie.
For the following weeks, they kept having days like this. The three of them were always at Jisung's house just to occupy their time. Minho even met his mom since he was now going there so often.
Minho felt welcomed there. But the first time Jisung went to Minho's house, he thought he was going to die.
Not because of Minho's usual threatening personality, or because of his racing heart every time he was so close to the other, but because his dog seemed to deeply despise Jisung.
"I guess we can't be friends anymore, that has to be a warning."
"Fucking asshole be useful for once! Do something!"
When both boys stepped inside the house, Minho's dog started to bark at Jisung. He didn't mind at all since it didn't come close to him and the barking stopped when Minho started to talk with the dog. They went to Minho's room and were peacefully playing together on their respective phones while laying on the bed, until Minho went to the bathroom and the dog decided it was his time to act.
It ended up with the little cutie jumping on the bed and staying in an alert position while growling in front of Jisung. The boy wanted to move away, but he was too scared it would annoy the dog and the next destination those sharp teeth were going to find would be his skin. So he kept laid down, not moving, as if accepting the death in front of him.
Minho came to the rescue at the same time he heard the growling, but instead of actually rescuing, he started to laugh. He did it so sincerely that Jisung swore he saw tears pouring from Minho's eyes.
"He won't bite you!"
"He wants my head in a plate!"
That's when he finally decided to help, calmly calling the dog outside the room. He closed the door so the pet wouldn't be reminded of Jisung's presence and bark at him again, then went back to the bed. His eyes looked like he was debating something, not certain of what to do when he hugged Jisung's arm.
"You're okay now! I'm such a saint."
"Idiot."
Being this close with Minho was always an experience. At first his heart skipped some beats, but it calmed down as Minho's touch didn't fade away. It was cozy being laid down with Minho hugging him this way.
Minho was a comfortable person to be around.
"What do you keep thinking about lately? You're always spacing out."
You.
That's what Jisung felt tempted to reply, instead he just grinned.
"Nothing."
Even if he played it off as a joke after saying something like this, Minho would for sure get a little bit more wise of Jisung. Second thoughts would cross his mind when thinking about the reason why Jisung was so flushed looking at him and it wouldn't take much for him to figure it out.
Call him a pussy, but being a coward has saved him from many bad situations. That was going to be just a new addition.
"You know… Me too."
"Hm?"
Minho distanced himself from Jisung, just enough so they could look in the eyes.
"I feel it too, Sung."
And Jisung's mouth opened in disbelief, shock all over his face. Could this be?
"What?" He asked to be sure, but Minho came closer once more, putting his forehead against Jisung's shoulder.
"Forget if you don't know."
"No! I know."
He couldn't forget about the little moment of epiphany he had that day, he didn't want to. It kept replaying in his mind all the time, the way Minho was too embarrassed to look at him after saying those words, so he just stayed there, glued to Jisung's arm for a long time.
Nothing changed after that afternoon, but somehow it did change.
They kept acting the same as always, just the shared looks and the smiles were taking longer. Minho pestered the girl who used to be on the desk behind Jisung, trying to convince her to change places with him. When he achieved his goal, he had the time of his life poking the boy all the time to say random facts he knew. Jisung was amused by it each time.
Jisung started to steal Minho's notebook when the other wasn't looking, just to write his own name on different pages. Honestly, he wanted to draw some corny hearts instead of writing his name, but there were two reasons why he couldn't. First, he was really ashamed to do it, what if Minho didn't like it? And secondly, he was afraid someone else would see him doing it. Just writing Jisung on every page was a safer option.
Minho would always roll his eyes when seeing it, but the twist on the corner of his lips was snitching that he liked.
"Wanna go out?" Jisung said in an act of courage one day. It took him at least half an hour of practicing the question in his own mind while Minho was talking about cat's curiosities. "Like, in a…" A date. "In a go out. Wanna? Hang out?"
Minho smirked. Of course he wouldn't make it easy for Jisung.
"Go out? We're already out though." They were indeed in an ice cream shop at the moment. Winter would start in a few weeks, but what did it have to do?
It was now the start of their two weeks break from school, so even if the weather was starting to get colder, it was still the perfect time to eat ice cream since it was their vacation.
"But I mean out like really out, somewhere else, we're always five minutes away from home. Let's go to a movie theater!"
"Okay, let's do it." Minho smiled at him.
They knew it was a date, but he didn't make Jisung voice that out.
It was going to happen in three days. They decided they were going to choose the movie both of them wanted to watch just when they were at the place. For three days, Jisung was in pure nervousness, creating scenarios in his head about a first kiss.
When he was younger he was often watching videos of people teaching how to kiss, sometimes replaying several times a kiss scene from some show, memorizing every single move they were doing. He stopped doing it as he got older and he lost the hopes of finding someone he was comfortable to try and kiss, but right now he felt like checking for the last time.
"Oh God, no, I'm almost 18, I can't do this."
He didn't search, indeed, but that was all he could think about until the day finally arrived.
Surprisingly, he was feeling very relaxed. He woke up and proceeded to do what he needed to, like any other ordinary day, contrasting the past days when he was freaking out at every opportunity he had.
Felix came to help him to get ready, because he couldn't accept that Jisung wanted to wear the same clothes he always wore for this special occasion.
"Ji, I understand that the black skinny jeans are closed business to you, really I do, and it looks great on you! But not this fucking sweatshirt again, Minho must think you don't have any other clothes at home by now."
"Only if it's a rock band shirt then."
"You're insufferable, but a win is a win."
That's how he ended up with a pretty shirt of a band he didn't know anything about. It was black with short sleeves and he looked hot, that's all he needed to know for the time being.
"What about some makeup? Nothing too much, just something neutral that looks natural." There he was with his twink habits.
"And is there something more natural than my bare face?"
"God, he's gonna break up with you and you're not even dating yet."
Jisung couldn't help but smile at the 'yet', knowing full well that Felix didn't mean it that way, but he was a delusional guy.
"Never, he loves my natural pretty face."
"He has to be blind."
The waiting for Minho wasn't long since the boy liked to be on time.
He arrived at the very minute they agreed previously, and unfortunately, Jisung thought he should've listened to his cousin's advice this time. Compared to Minho, it now looked like Jisung got ready in the dark and didn't have a clue on what he was doing.
Minho had a social white shirt tucked inside his jeans and an unbuttoned yellow cardigan on top of it, with some pretty details in purple and brown on its sleeves. He had a necklace on, his hair looking so gracious and ready to be patted that Jisung wanted to cry. Not to count his sneakers matching Jisung's own, he remembers when they bought them together because it was on sale.
Jisung didn't know what to do, it was obviously a date, but they didn't say it out loud. Should he go for a hug? Is not like they never hugged before, but doing it on a date would bring a different feeling to it. He got timid just thinking about it, yet for once he decided not to be a pussy and just do the right thing.
He leaned for a tight hug, hearing Minho's surprised exclamation. After all, Jisung wasn't one to take the first step, so his surprise was reasonable. Still he hugged him back, with pure adoration. Minho's perfume smelled like chocolate and it was enjoyable. Jisung wanted to sink his nose on the other's neck just to feel more of the perfume. He smiled, fondly, when taking a step back to look at the boy again.
"You look pretty Minho."
"Thanks Sung, the same for you."
Minho wasn't one to be shy, but he looked lost. Agitated. Not knowing what to do, just like Jisung. For the first time, Jisung thought he wasn't the only one going crazy over their date. Maybe Minho was freaking out in the past days, just like he did.
Was he thinking of kissing Jisung too?
"I'll find a driver, just a minute." It's what Jisung said, taking his phone out of his pocket as he could feel all his anxiety coming back in a blink of an eye.
They didn't talk much inside the car, both of them feeling a little uncomfortable to do it with the unknown man being present, but they were showing things to each other on their phones from time to time.
It was supposed to be a quick ride, barely taking 20 minutes. On a random Thursday, on a nice end of the afternoon, and great weather. Who would've thought that the apparently amazing day would be Jisung's worst regret?
He didn't even see how it happened, too entertained looking at the window on his side.
An abrupt turn the driver did and another vehicle hitting his side was all that it took.
For 10 seconds he didn't feel anything, he didn't get what just happened, until he noticed Minho looking at him with fear in his eyes. The boy's face was a little bloodied because of the cuts on his face, probably caused by the glass of the broken window.
Only then, Jisung processed the excruciating pain he was feeling.
The only noise he could hear was the most annoying ringing he had ever heard, it was too loud. Every other sound was almost like a whisper. His hands were shaking when he covered his ears, applying all the strength left on him as if it would stop the pain, but it didn't.
He would rather be unconscious when it happened, this way he wouldn't have to feel like his head was constantly being hit against a stone, but he was very awake every second of it.
He saw when Minho desperately kept touching his leg to get his attention, but he felt incapable of answering to him. He saw when a crowd started to appear on each side of the street, and when the paramedics came to take them out of the car. They kept asking him things he didn't quite understand.
While being transported to the hospital, he wondered how Minho was doing. If he was feeling the same pain he was feeling.
Jisung only had a few hours of peace when he got medicated, fainting due to the stressful day he had.
And for the following days, exams and the ringing on his ears were now his routine. He didn't get any serious damage after the accident, except that he was now hard of hearing.
The doctor told him he had some skull fractures that affected directly on his ear membranes, which were now damaged. She said the fractures may be able to heal on its own and he's gonna be back to hearing like before soon if that's the case, but didn't deny that permanent hearing loss is a possibility too.
Jisung didn't know how to feel. If his partial hearing loss was because of some ear infection, he could have been led to a treatment. Not that by being in treatment it was 100% guaranteed that he would get his hearing back, but it was better than just waiting for a miracle. Still, since his condition wasn't caused by an ear infection and actually by having some membranes ruptured in an accident, there was nothing he could do but have faith.
When he came back home after almost a week, Minho was waiting for him. He and the driver were totally fine after the accident, just a few cuts on their bodies. Minho got stitches on his arm, that was all. Jisung hated himself for it, but he was having an ugly feeling stuck on his chest knowing that from the three people in the car, he was the only one to be having further problems than a few cuts.
Both of them went to Jisung's room, and there Minho approached him, almost touching his lips on Jisung's ear. Jisung would be able to hear the boy if he was a little more distant, but having Minho's lips almost touching his skin made his heart skip a beat. He wanted him close like this.
"Are you okay, Sung?"
He wasn't okay.
That's why he cried in Minho's arms while the boy kept comforting him.
He didn't know he wanted to hear other people so much until he was remotely incapable of it. The ringing never stopped and it was driving him crazy. But Minho was there to support him and that's the most important thing for him now.
If Felix and Minho were already always at his house before the accident, now they were almost living there. Even Chan, who was in the middle of his semester in college, came home just to be with Jisung.
He kinda liked the attention. The way everyone was babying him felt nice and he happily took advantage of it. He barely needed to say two words to get whatever he was talking about.
"Guys, the popcorn is ready." Chan entered the living room, with two different bowls on his hands, giving one for Minho and Felix to share while he would share with Jisung.
"I wanted chocolate." Jisung pouted.
"Want me to buy it for you? I'll make it quick." Minho answered at the same second, already getting up, but Felix grabbed him back down.
"You sit there, and you keep quiet Han Jisung! I've been giving you chocolate all week, let's just watch the movie."
Felix indeed has been going out to buy him sweeties all the time. Jisung sighed, accepting his fate. When the movie started, he could hear it normally, so he figured it out it meant the sound was probably extremely high. He hoped the other three weren't too bothered by it.
In the middle of the movie, Chan said he would be right back and Jisung took this opportunity to check on Minho, smiling himself silly when he saw Minho was already looking at him.
The boy slowly blinked at him two times, and Jisung responded by doing the same thing. That was a new habit of them.
He interrupted the contact when Chan came back to the living room. Not that his brother didn't know about what was going on, after all he and Hannah were the ones to give Jisung advice when he wanted to talk to Minho, but he didn't want the boy to be teasing him about it. When Chan sat comfortably by his side, he poked Jisung's arm, giving him a chocolate when the boy looked back.
Jisung was like a king at his house now.
A few days later, their little vacation was finally over. How lucky Jisung and Minho had to be to get involved in an accident during their break time. Now they were able to go back to school.
Jisung was having a hard time focusing on what the teacher was saying. That one used to talk very low, so Jisung often found himself leaning over his desk, with a confused semblance, trying to understand clearly.
When he was too annoyed to concentrate his efforts, he just copied from Minho's notebook.
He felt frustrated as the days kept passing. Not to lose hope was a hard task, but he was doing his best.
Until the day he couldn't do his best anymore.
Chan was going to leave in a few hours, so they were spending the rest of the time they had together. His ears had been weirdly throbbing all day, but he thought it was fine since there was not any different pain. The ringing sound suddenly got much louder as a clogged feeling hit his ears, but it wasn't really clogged.
He was laughing about something Chan just said, and he suddenly stopped when he couldn't hear his own laugh anymore.
Chan looked at him and chuckled, saying something Jisung didn't hear either. That's when he started to freak out.
"I can't hear you! I fucking can't hear you!"
Not being able to hear his own voice when he was clearly talking made his eyes instantly get glassy, tears being quick to roll down his face as he desperately covered his ears, touching it to check if there was something on it. He knew there wasn't.
Chan's eyes doubled in size as his lips kept moving, Jisung could only cry harder as Chan kept saying things he wasn't listening to. The oldest grabbed his own phone, typing something.
'Let's go to the doctor.'
They did it.
Jisung tried to stay still while he was being checked, but controlling all his sobbing was hard. He kept attentively looking at the doctor while he was talking to his mom, as if with enough focus he would be able to hear.
He didn't, though. And from now, having focus would never be enough to make him hear. The past doctor warned him it was a possibility for him to permanently lose all his hearing, but he thought the chances of it happening to him was almost 0.
It was a cruel joke on him that it happened after all. He wasn't just hard of hearing anymore, he was completely deaf.
When he went back home, he locked himself in his room, deciding it would be better than seeing his family's desolate faces. His mom was probably calling his dad right now, telling him the news and demanding him to come back home to offer some support.
What support is there to give? Jisung felt like a piece of him just died. He never realized his hearing was something so important in his life, and now that's all he could think about. How could he live without it?
Worse than not having his hearing, was having this never ending ringing torturing him. If he was entertaining himself with something else, it was easy to forget about that noise.
How could he get distracted from it now, if it was everything he would be able to hear for the rest of his life?
In a sudden attack of anger, he started to punch both of his ears. He just wanted the noise to stop. He didn't measure his strength when doing it, so his head was hurting at some point, but he didn't stop, even when he felt his face wet from his own tears.
He only stopped hitting himself like that when the worst headache he has had in a while started to pinch his head. Falling asleep was hard since his thoughts were louder than ever, so he didn't even notice when it happened.
The next day, he still didn't want to talk to anyone. Felix was in the house when Jisung went to eat something, he tried to touch Jisung's hand to get his attention, but all he got from him was a quick and fake smile. Then he just grabbed his food and went to his room to lock himself up again, leaving Felix behind.
He reached his phone once he was back in his bed, seeing he had a few unread messages from Chan and Minho.
Chan brother :
Hey Ji.
We're trying to reach you but you locked your door. I can hear you crying, just know that I'm here if you need a hug or anything. I won't be going back today, I'll stay here with you.
I love you.
Hi Jisung, good morning. Please don't forget to eat.
It's late already, won't you come out?
Min Pspsps(cat) :
sung, how are you?
can i come over? or do you want some space right now?
im here for you anytime just so you know
Felix probably told Minho already. He felt like asking the boy to come over the very moment he read the message, but at the same time he just wanted to be alone.
For the following days, he kept hiding in his room. It wasn't a hard task for him since he always enjoyed just laying down and chill, but the reason was definitely different this time.
Sleeping has been his favorite thing to do, because at least in dreams he could still hear, since it was just his imagination projecting things.
Even the most disconnected dreams were appreciated by him now, but what would really make him tear up while he was still asleep was the dreams about Minho. The boy's pretty laugh echoing in every single corner of his mind used to be the most precious memory he had, now it was too painful.
Minho came over when Jisung went too long without giving him an answer. Jisung wanted it to be a nice meeting, it has been some days since they last met, but he could only give an empty stare at Minho when he saw him trying to say something.
He was fast to silently offer an apology when he realized, with an embarrassed smile
They kept texting each other while sitting together, side by side, until Jisung got tired of the weird atmosphere he was feeling and asked Minho to leave because he wanted to rest.
'Please talk to me, Ji.' Was written on the note Chan showed him on a random day.
"About what?"
'About how you're feeling. And don't even try to lie to me, all you have been doing lately is sleep.'
Ironically, Jisung was getting ready to take a nap just before Chan arrived. He woke up not long ago, feeling anything but sleepy right now, still sleeping was what he had the urge to do. He was too drained to deal with the real world.
He thought of telling it to his brother, maybe sharing his burden with the oldest would make him feel better, would make him feel like he wasn't alone, it was a stupid idea though.
Even if he explained to Chan and the oldest started to write down the most supportive words, telling Jisung he would always be there for him, the youngest was still alone in this situation. Chan wasn't able to truly comprehend how Jisung was feeling even if he was doing his best, because it wasn't happening to him.
Jisung sighed, his eyes slowly starting to get teary, he has been like a cry baby lately. Chan grabbed both of his hands, not looking like he was going to write anything this time, just staring at Jisung with worry, hurt, and something that felt warm. The youngest didn't know how to explain. Was it empathy?
At that moment, he was sure Chan wouldn't understand the depth of his pain, and he didn't need to. All he had to do was to see him. Truly see how he hurt and be able to sympathize with it.
"I don't… I don't want it to seem like I'm being dramatic, I know there's people out there in a worse situation and they're not reacting all gloomy like me, but it's so tough, Chan. You don't know how much I miss listening to my favorite songs, but I know that I won't ever have the opportunity to listen to them again. Even dad yelling at me or worse, your sister's diabolic voice, would be blessings for me to hear right now. Anything but this void." Jisung was feeling a running nose start as his tears just couldn't stop falling down, he was sure he looked like a mess, but Chan wasn't any different. The man was crying just as much as him while listening to his little brother's affliction, it was breaking his heart. The youngest tried to stop his uncontrollably sobs so he could continue to talk.
"Please don't judge me, I felt guilty for thinking it, but if it was for me to end up like this, dying after the accident would be better."
His brother would be the last person to ever judge him. In fact, he pulled Jisung closer in a tight hug, not letting go as they kept crying together. That's what Jisung needed, someone to cry with him.
Things didn't feel easier or better after it, but having someone to share his deepest thoughts with was relieving.
After three weeks passed since the accident, he stopped ignoring his school obligations. Unfortunately finding out that he couldn't keep frequenting it, even if he wanted to.
The school wasn't prepared to have a deaf student. They did offer the possibility of getting a sign language interpreter for Jisung, but how exactly was it supposed to work if Jisung didn't know sign language? He wasn't expecting to be needing it someday, so he never learned.
Because of that, he was now studying at home, getting all the content his teacher was giving to the others on PDF's file. At least like this he was escaping from the projects his class was always having to present for their teacher.
Did Minho find a new favorite partner?
Now that he was staying at home more than ever, he had a lot of time to do whatever he wanted. He honestly didn't feel like doing anything, but Chan started to sneak into his room after a while and kept finding things for them to do together. Felix was always there, and it was slowly starting to be a nuisance to Jisung.
He knew Felix was just being nice, just wanting to help, but he was treating Jisung as if the boy was incapable of doing anything.
If Jisung was trying to reach something, Felix was always there to hand it to him before he was able to succeed. If Jisung was doing some daily task like sweeping the floor, Felix was there to finish the task for him. Usually, Jisung wouldn't mind any of it since he appreciates being lazy, but Felix wasn't doing it just because. He felt pity. Jisung already felt useless after he became deaf, he didn't need his cousin thinking it of him too.
"For God's sake, back the fuck off!" He said when Felix was, once more, rushing to finish something that he was already doing. His dad asked him to go get some tools in the basement, and there was Felix following him around again. "I'm not blind Felix, I know what a drill and a wrench looks like. And I can reach it too, my only problem is being deaf, the rest I can do! I don't need your help."
Felix looked perplexed for a minute, as if Jisung just punched him on the stomach with those words. His cousin was sensitive, so it wasn't a surprise his eyes were now starting to get glassy. Jisung couldn't bring himself to care about it though, turning around when Felix was taking his phone out of his pocket to type something.
"I don't wanna know, just go to your house."
They were always saying things like that to each other, it was a common tease between them. This time, there wasn't any teasing tone in Jisung's voice. He really meant it.
Felix was gone when he looked over his shoulder.
And he was gone for several days after that, just like Chan, who had to go back to Australia. Jisung knew he may have really hurt the boy's feelings, and even after that he didn't feel like going to apologize for his behavior. He didn't think he was wrong for what he did.
Min Pspsps(cat) :
im not saying you're wrong sung
but there was nicer ways to tell him what you were feeling
They were both in the living room, Minho's head over Jisung's lap while they were texting each other.
Jisung :
people don't think of being polite when they're angry
Min Pspsps(cat) :
that's exactly why he's ignoring you dumbass
he's the one who's mad now, he's not thinking of being polite
Jisung sighed, the other did have a point. Minho looked somewhere else for an instant, then at Jisung and then back to his phone.
Min Pspsps(cat) :
there's someone at the door
its your opportunity to fix this
He carefully pushed Minho away while rolling his eyes. He didn't know what to tell Felix, but the situation they were in couldn't keep going further like that. He was starting to miss the boy annoying him.
He walked to the door, hoping to see his cousin with a pouty face, but the person he saw caught him by surprise. It was the driver, the one who caused the accident, standing in front of him.
Jisung was shocked. How could someone be so shameless?
Because of him, Jisung's life changed completely. An important thing for his development was brutally taken away, making Jisung hate himself for it. He wasn't able to hear his mom's monologue about her day, or his favorite songs that used to be such a great source of serenity, especially when his anxiety was showing up. He couldn't even hear Minho's melodic voice anymore, yet the one who did it to him had the courage to appear on his way once again.
The man had a few papers in his trembling hands, being quick to display them to Jisung.
'Hello, Han Jisung. How have you been?' That's what the first paper the man was now exhibiting was saying.
'I have been debating if it was the right thing to come here. I'm aware you may hate me right now.'
'But I must apologize in person for what happened that day and especially for what it caused to you.'
"Who said you could come?" Jisung interrupted the man before he could change to the next paper. He was obviously being rude, he couldn't hear himself, but he was sure his apathetic voice made it obvious that he wanted the man gone. Still the driver didn't understand it.
He started to search for something in his pockets, grabbing a pen to write down on the blank space he had left.
'I have been talking to your family to know how your situation was proceeding. I talked to the other boy's family too.'
'Your father said I could come.' Of course it had to be him. Jisung laughed, with no joy.
"You're right about something, I really hate you. I don't know why you thought it was a good idea to come here."
The man didn't look surprised after what Jisung said. He has probably been creating the worst case scenarios in his mind before deciding to come and see the boy, but all the preparation in the world didn't make him seem less defeated when the words left Jisung's mouth.
"It's so unfair, I wasn't the only person in the car back then, yet I'm the only one who went deaf. You can save your apologies cause I won't forgive you." The driver gulped, not even being able to look Jisung in the eyes. It made the youngest smile. If he couldn't make the man feel exactly the same thing he was feeling, at least he could make him feel guilty for it. "Actually, maybe I can forgive you. If you cause another accident and go deaf just like me, you'll truly feel what you did to me. I'll forgive you if you do that."
He bowed in front of Jisung. How more pathetic could it get?
Seeing the driver bowing didn't make him feel anything, his only reaction was to close the door in the angriest way he could and turn around to go back to Minho.
He just didn't expect Minho to be a few steps away, watching him.
He definitely saw the whole scene and it made Jisung's cheek heat up. He didn't want Minho to see this side of him, the side that needed to make others feel bad for what happened to him. The side that couldn't forgive and was making him feel a burning grudge, slowly consuming him. The ugly side of him.
But Minho didn't seem like he was disappointed. He just seemed somehow affected by Jisung words.
He didn't even try to grab his phone and tell Jisung he was going home. All he did was point his finger at the door and then wave Jisung goodbye, leaving the house like that.
After this episode, Minho stopped appearing so often like he used to.
They were still texting each other, but suddenly he was barely coming at Jisung's house. His mom even though they had a fight and proceeded to make Jisung explain to her, for at least half an hour, that he didn't do anything to upset Minho and he didn't know the reason for his disappearance.
At some point, he started to believe he did something to the boy and was just too dumb to notice. He asked Minho many times about it, always getting as an answer that he wasn't coming because lately he was feeling too tired.
He wanted to believe his friend, he did believe at first, but even their texts started to reduce as the days kept passing.
That's when he decided to go to Minho's house.
By the time he arrived there, Minho was still at school, and his parents were always working, which meant he would have to wait outside until the boy was back. Fortunately, it didn't take long.
Minho was surprised when he saw Jisung standing there, but still he showed the brightest smile to the other, making Jisung follow his action. Minho looked the prettiest with that adorable smile he had
When they were inside the house, Minho warmed the leftovers from the past days for them to eat. Before the accident, they always used to talk when they were eating, but now it wasn't possible since Jisung couldn't focus on his food if he was texting on his phone. So now they were eating quietly, just offering a few long blinks to each other from time to time.
When they were done, Jisung tried to explain to Minho his chemistry homework, it didn't take 5 minutes for them to give up, since Jisung wasn't even sure he was teaching it right. He didn't completely understand that subject either. In the end, they were once again over Minho's bed, while the boy was talking about his plans for the weekend.
Min Pspsps(cat) :
my parents want to go to grandma's farm but i'm not sure
Jisung :
why? u said you like it there
Min Pspsps(cat) :
yeah it's cool
i always play with the horses
and she feeds me a lot of fish when im there
Jisung :
what is concerning you this time?
Minho looked apprehensive when typing the next message, he stared a little bit at Jisung, who looked at him confused. He didn't send the text this time, just turned his phone to Jisung so the other could read from the screen.
'I'm afraid of going inside cars after the accident.' The text said.
Jisung re-read it, incapable of containing a chuckle. It wasn't his intention, but he can't deny his next words were spoken with some venom.
"Why? Nothing serious happened to you, just go and enjoy your trip."
He saw as Minho tensed up. The boy's eyebrows slightly arched, as his fingers wrote the next sentence like his life depended on it.
'You have to stop acting like you were the only one affected by the accident.' That made Jisung gasp, incredulous.
"Oh? Are you really comparing our situations?"
'I'm not comparing anything Jisung, for the past months I haven't made any complaints about it cause I know you're feeling much worse than me, but I was there too. I'm traumatized by the accident too.'
"A few scratches were enough to traumatize you? Well, maybe you should switch places with me then. Maybe you should have been…" Jisung stopped himself from saying it, surprised by where his thoughts were leading him.
Minho frowned his eyebrows, he was now a mixture between sad, angry and shocked.
'What should I have been, Jisung?' The next text showed.
You should've been the one to go deaf instead of me. That's what Jisung thought.
They were in the same car, both in the back seat, practically at the same spot, yet nothing happened to Minho beyond some few cuts that were now perfectly healed. Why didn't the same happen to him?
He didn't know a part of him was blaming the boy he liked, until this moment.
Jisung didn't finish the sentence, it wasn't necessary, Minho knew exactly what he was going to say.
He didn't apologize, all he did was leave the boy behind without a second glance and walk back to his house.
The following days were completely silent between the two of them, a different type from the one Jisung was used to. No new visit, no new message, just silence.
Jisung wanted some time alone for himself after the discovery he made about internally blaming Minho.
Rationally thinking, he knew Minho was nowhere to be blamed, he can't be mad at the boy for not going deaf like he did. But every time he remembered he would be facing this condition for the rest of his life, while the driver and Minho were living just the same as before, he could feel his skin boiling.
When Minho posted on his social media for the first time after the accident and after their argument, it was a video of him, apparently at school. Jisung had no clue on what he was saying, he almost texted his friend (if he can still call Minho like this) just to ask what was it about. However, he remembered at the last second before sending it that they were still not on good terms, for already a month. Then he almost texted Felix, but they were also not on good terms.
The house was extremely lonely without the other two boys there, and if Jisung cried the whole night because he missed them, but the next day he did nothing to change the situation, it was between him and God.
Gradually, the beef with Felix was sorted out. They were cousins after all, living on the same street and constantly seeing each other at the family's meeting every Sunday.
He didn't know how to apologize adequately, so he chose the most childish way ever that would surely make Felix laugh and forgive him.
He gave the boy a back hug and kept saying 'Please forgive me' on loop, not letting go of him until his goal was achieved. Felix did laugh at his method and forgave him, not before scolding Jisung by messages for 10 minutes, though.
But with Minho it was a different story.
He took a long time to get over his own thoughts on the boy and the accident. It was far from easy to stop connecting the two things and process the aching on his chest. When he noticed, five months had already passed since their argument.
Now he wasn't only regretting what he did, but he was deeply ashamed to try to interact with the boy after all this time. Minho would for sure curse all of his future generations and block him everywhere. Being honest, he had all the right to do it.
Jisung stopped trying to know about Minho's life through his social media after a while. Out of sight out of mind, is what he told himself when he was unfollowing the boy on all the accounts he was aware of.
Felix was still friends with him, as far as Jisung knew, but he never mentioned any news of Minho. Jisung told him once about the argument they had and it was enough for his cousin to realize it wasn't something for him to intervene. It was up for Jisung to fix.
That's how their friendship turned into nothing more than an old tale.
With the two of them refusing to reach the other because of their pride, even if they missed being together so bad.
Jisung never stopped having feelings for Minho. He thought it was easier to get over a relationship you had than a relationship that didn't happen at all, remaining forever as an unreachable love.
He never got over him, but his platonic feelings did cool down as the time kept flying and Minho was now a distant memory in the back of his mind.
Distant, but always full of endearment.