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“Can I have some?” Noah asked.
“No.” Erin shook her head.
“Why?”
“Because.”
“Because why?”
“Because there are drinks in this world that are just for grownups and kids can't drink them.”
“Why?” when he cocked his eyebrow he looked so much like his father that it caused Erin to pause. Then she smiled.
“You’ll find out when you're older.” Erin replied.
“Tell me now.”
“No, Noah.”
“Why?”
“Your food is going to get cold if you don’t eat it, Mister. Eat, and drink your juice. We’ll talk about grownup things later.”
“Where’s Daddy?” he asked, picking up his fork again. He liked the spaghetti; it had always been his favorite.
“He's at work.”
“Can we call him?”
“He’s really, really busy. But we’ll call at bedtime like we always do.”
“He always works.”
“You'll get no argument out of me on that one.” Erin nodded.
“Huh?”
“Eat sweetheart.”
“Yes ma'am.” Noah smiled and went back to his dinner.
Erin got up to make herself another martini. It had been a long day and she knew at the end of it she was coming home to a needy three year old. Tomorrow she was just going to say to hell with it and take Noah out for dinner. She’d rather be tired from having a good time than to just be tired. It was hard with Dave not there and she was mad at him.
It might not be fair but she was. No, it was completely fair. He was off working hard, catching Unsubs, while she worked hard and had to come home to a toddler. Maybe Erin wouldn’t be so peeved if the toddler was her own. She adored Noah.
He was sweet, inquisitive, smart, fun, and funny. He was also three. A couple of days ago she had to pacify a tantrum. It was not a shining moment for her. Erin spanked him. She didn’t kill him but his butt got spanked and then she put him to bed.
“Ma'am?”
“Yes?” she looked over at Noah sitting at the table.
“I'm finished.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes ma'am.” He nodded.
No matter what she said or did, Erin couldn’t shake him calling her that.
“Do you want some dessert?” she asked.
“Yes ma'am.” Now he was grinning from ear to ear. Dave told her that he had his mother’s smile. Erin never knew how to feel about that.
“OK.”
She went to the fridge and grabbed the chocolate pudding and whipped cream. Erin wasn’t sure how this would go with a martini but having some for herself seemed like a good idea. Dessert with Noah was always an adventure.
“C'mon buddy, clean up your plate and cup.”
Erin helped him out of his booster seat and Noah grabbed them from the table. She was teaching him how to clean up after himself. She was teaching him a lot of things. There was a part of her that was having such fun doing it. But parenthood was much more than the fun things and desserts.
Still, it had been two months and Erin hadn't gone anywhere. Noah was used to her, to ma'am, and leaving now seemed almost cruel. That wasn’t the only reason she was staying but it was part of it. Ending her relationship with Dave wasn’t part of the equation.
But Erin had considered getting her own place for the time being. She’d even called her real estate broker. She’d been emailed a few places that were lovely. Yet here she sat helping the toddler put his dishes in the sink and wash his messy hands. Oh my God, she was a mother again.
***
“Did I wake you?” Dave asked.
“Mmm hmm,” Erin turned over and stretched across the bed. She had no idea what time it was or what was happening. “The phone scared the hell out of me. I forgot to turn the volume down.”
“Are you alright?”
“I'm tired.”
“I didn’t mean to wake you. We should've talked earlier, at Noah’s bedtime, but I was running around. I was…”
“You were working David. We don’t have to talk every night. It’s alright.”
“It’s not really alright.” He replied. “At least I know I don’t like it. I miss you baby.”
“I miss you too.”
“Are you and Noah alright? Things are OK with Luke right?”
Luke Harris was Noah’s sitter. Dave finally picked one and things were going well. From 8 to noon Noah was at preschool. Then Luke picked him up and they were usually together from noon to about seven. Dave had some nanny cams installed in the house but so far, so good.
“Everything is fine. I really need to go back to sleep. We’ve got an early day tomorrow and I don’t even know what time it is.”
“I need to tell you something before you go.” Dave said.
“No.” Erin didn’t mean for her voice to sound as harsh as it did to her ears. “I don’t want to hear it, David. Don’t tell me anything.”
“Whoa, I um…it’s not bad news.”
“Oh. I'm sorry, I'm just crabby and sleepy and,” Erin laughed but it wasn’t joyful. “I'm sorry.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too. Why don’t you tell me what you wanted to tell me?”
“We’ll talk some other time.” Dave said.
“I didn’t mean…”
“I know. You're tired; had a long day. So did I. But I love you and I wanted to call home and make sure everything was OK.”
“It'll be better when you come back.” She said.
“I’ll make sure to give you some of my undivided attention.”
“That’s a little tough these days.”
“I've got people lined up ready and willing to babysit. One of these days I'm going to take them up on their offer. I think we need a little alone time.”
“Hell, it’s been a couple of months. There’s about 15 more years before we get alone time, Agent Rossi.”
“When you're optimistic like that it warms my heart, baby.”
“I try.” Erin couldn’t hold back her laugh. “Tell me what you were going to tell me, David.”
“I was going to say thank you. I'm not being condescending or just trying to make you happy. I know the sacrifice you're making. You're doing it because you love me and if you think that doesn't mean everything to me…it does.
“I want us to be a family. I know there will be ups and downs; we've gotten good at those. But I love you, I love Noah, and Noah adores you. None of this is easy for anyone involved but the way you stepped up; baby I'm so grateful for you.”
“I was looking at condos.” She replied. “I still am, I guess. I just don’t know what I want to do and I'm in this limbo. It’s almost like a purgatory.
“I spanked Noah’s butt the other day. I didn’t hurt him, but he was throwing a tantrum and I disciplined him. I don’t feel comfortable doing that. I'm not his mother, or his father…I'm ma'am. What the hell is ma'am? I'm not even sure I want to do this and I can tell you with certainty that I don’t want to do it alone. Hurry up and come home because I miss you and because your son needs you and I can't do it alone.”
“I’ll be home as soon as I can.”
“Alright. Goodnight, David.”
“Goodnight.”
Erin hung up the phone. All she wanted to do was go back to sleep but she hadn't even taken her makeup off yet. It had been that kind of night. She got out of bed, heading for the bathroom. She’d do her nightly rituals; check on Noah, and then sleep. It was almost over and even though Erin didn’t quite know what that meant she knew it was for the best.
***