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"Tifa, do you think there's something wrong with me?"
Cloud's voice broke the silence so abruptly, and with a statement like that, she almost dropped the glass she was drying. He was sitting at the opposite end of the bar from the sink--everyone else bedded down for the night downstairs, Cloud the only one to linger--and Tifa slowly crossed the length of the bar to stand in front of him. "What do you mean?"
Cloud was running a finger around the rim of one of the glasses that still needed drying. She didn't have the heart to scold him she'd just need to wash it again, not when his too-bright blue eyes were unfocused and his mind clearly elsewhere.
"You hear what Jessie said earlier?"
Since he wouldn't see her nod, she said a soft yeah, and sighed for good measure. Jessie's flirting was hardly subtle at the best of times, and tonight, lubricated by a good deal of alcohol, she'd practically draped herself over Cloud and purred something about how she bet that sword wasn't the only big thing about him.
Everyone had roared with laughter, the moreso because Cloud had gone red and mumbled something back none of them had caught. Wedge had rescued him in the end by peeling Jessie off and promising Tifa he'd bring her downstairs and put her to bed on her side, stay with her to make sure she stayed asleep without incident.
"I don't… it never even occurs to me to say stuff like that."
"So you're not a flirt." Tifa grabbed another glass. "Lots of people aren't. Good thing, if you ask me, because most people can't do it worth a damn. Jessie included."
"But that's not…" Cloud's gaze finally refocused, and his eyes meeting hers almost made her fumble a glass for the second time that night. Goddamn, they were blue, and every time he looked directly at her her stomach flipped like a schoolgirl's.
"I don't really think about that stuff… ever. … Sex." He dropped his gaze just as quickly as he'd raised it, and she watched that blush heat his face again. "What the hell is wrong with me?"
"Cloud, hey…" Tifa set the glass down a little harder than she needed to and reached out, touching his hand. "Why would you think anything's wrong with you? Some people are just wired a bit differently; you're probably one of them."
"Yeah. Makes sense." There was a bitterness in Cloud's tone that made her stomach hurt. "What's one more thing, I guess."
"Cloud, I mean it. Maybe you're asexual, or something like it. If you don't think about it, don't feel that way about other people--it doesn't mean you're broken, or that you just need to meet someone, or… or whatever the fuck people always say. There's nothing wrong with you." She breathed in, then out, slowly. "I wouldn't lie."
She’d gotten used to watching Cloud’s face since he came back. It wasn’t like he’d ever talked all that much, but he was quieter these days, lost in his own head. The look on his face now--almost as lost as he'd looked at the train station, maybe even just as desperate--made her heart clench.
"You mean it?" he asked on a shaky breath out, and she nodded firmly, grabbing his hands.
"It's different for everyone. Some people don't feel it unless there's an emotional connection. Some people don't feel it at all, but they aren't opposed. Some people could go their entire lives without it and never care. And the only person who can know where you fall is you. Don't stress out about it, okay? You've got other things to think about; we all do. And I'll tell Jessie to cool it if it's really bothering you."
Cloud's lips twitched in what she'd call a smile coming from him, and he nodded almost imperceptibly. He'd taken care of her enough, Tifa reasoned, she could pay him back and more.
"Have you got somewhere to sleep tonight?" she asked when he pulled his hands away, letting her reach for the last glass. "I'd get it, if you don't want to be around the others…"
"I'll find somewhere in town," Cloud started, already reaching for his sword and satchel as he got to his feet. "Some local kid willing to rent out his roon for enough gil…"
"Or you could stay here. Just… with me." Tifa busied herself with putting away the cleaned glasses, her body turned away so she wouldn't put him on the spot by looking at him. "It'd be a bit of a tight squeeze, but I bet it's more comfortable than whatever twin bed nonsense that kid has going on. … You can say no, of course. But I thought I'd just--offer."
When she turned back, she found Cloud halfway to the door, but wavering. He'd started to head out, but he was standing still now, one of his hands twitching in thought.
"You wouldn't mind?" It was quieter than she'd heard Cloud speak before, uncertain.
"I wouldn't have offered if I did." Tifa rolled her shoulders and stepped out from behind the bar, still stretching. "And I trust you. So that's two reasons you can trust me."
Cloud took a step back, then spun on his heel, let out a breath. "I'd--I'd really appreciate that, Tifa. T--thanks."
She reached for his hand, though she didn't need to, only a little surprised when Cloud's calloused hand slipped into hers. She led him back through the bar to her room off the back. He could change in the bedroom, she said over her shoulder as she grabbed her sleep clothes out of the dresser, watched his absent nod as he set down his things.
She took her time getting ready for bed, stripping out of her top, skirt, tights, and suspenders, pulling on her shirt and shorts over her bra and underwear. Her feet hurt from standing, her back from hauling cases, and she couldn't wait to lie down and get whatever sleep she could. At the back of her mind she knew it wasn't just the promise of sleep that was really tugging at her.
Hadn't she wanted Cloud in her bed for years?
She tamped down on the slight throb of desire the thought caused as she tied back her hair. Just the thought of the confusion, the pain, on Cloud's face back at the bar was enough to stifle the thought of anything happening between them, and honestly, the thought didn't sting as much as it would have before. She'd decided that day back at the station that the only thing that mattered was having Cloud back in her life, however that looked. She didn't need him to love her back. She just needed him safe, and maybe the only person she could trust with that was herself.
Cloud was sitting on the bed when she returned, changed into similarly ratty clothes he must have grabbed from his bag. She caught the barest look of contentment on his face as she hit the lights and crawled into bed so she lay flush against the wall, tugging him softly down so he stretched out with his back to her.
"You sleep on that side of the bed normally? I don't want to screw up your routine too much…"
"Oh, I don't normally." Tifa gave him a grin in the half-light. "But you know, with a man in my bed and all, may as well make sure any marauders or anything get to him first."
"Ulterior motives," Cloud groused with a slow headshake as he lay on his back. "I expected more out of you, Tifa Lockhart."
"I don't know why. I'm crafty, you know."
She smiled to herself as he closed his eyes, satisfaction blooming within her at the faint smile curling his lips. She'd take any smile, even a small one, after how wrecked he'd looked before.
She knew she should be closing her eyes herself, getting as much sleep as she could, but the warmth of Cloud next to her--the weight and the scent of him--was making her a little bold. Tifa reached out a hand and settled it in his hair, stroking its careful order into soft disarray.
The soft sigh he let out made her still her hand, ask quietly, "Okay?"
"Yeah. Yeah, I just…" He laughed faintly, a little choked, and she felt her stomach drop at the sad sound of it. "It's just that no one's done that since my mom."
Tifa blinked the sting out of her eyes, let out a slow breath. "You think about her a lot?" she whispered tremulously, and he sighed again, quieter.
"I try not to. But it slips in every now and then. When I smell a perfume that's like the one she used, or if I see the flowers she liked… but most days I just--try to black it out. Keep moving. … You know?"
"Yeah," she whispered, even if her chest ached, even if the thought of everything they'd lost that day still burned. "Yeah. I think we're the only ones left who do."
She let a few moments pass in silence, the rhythm of her fingers stroking through Cloud's hair and their slow breaths in and out slowly filtering everything that had happened during the day out of her thoughts. She waited until Cloud's breathing was slow enough he'd probably be dropping off any second before she slipped further underneath the covers.
"Tifa?" he murmured just as she closed her eyes.
"Yeah?"
"Thanks. For--for all that stuff you said before. I… I didn't know any of that. … Maybe… maybe I can be a bit less broken now."
"You never were," Tifa whispered into his shoulder, letting one hand ghost against his skin, left bare by a torn bit of shirt. "Anytime, Cloud. I mean it. Just give yourself some time. You'll figure yourself out when we all breathe easy again. You hear me?"
"Aye aye." She felt his hand groping for hers, then giving it a squeeze, so tender she felt her heart flutter in her chest. "Get some sleep."
"You first," she murmured with a soft laugh, letting herself snuggle closer. "And you'd better not be a snorer."
"That'd be Barret," Cloud replied tiredly, sleep already starting to slur his words. "Fifty gil this is a better night's sleep."
"You're on."