Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Leo and his brothers walked home silently, all with a different form of pain.

Mikey was crying, making barely audible sobs as he wiped the forever coming tears.

Raph was silent as well as Donnie, both of them holding onto their weapons as they tried not to cry out like their little brother.

Leo wasn’t crying at all, or shaking or holding back.

His face had a hint of shock on it, while his hands, a little bit of blood.

Blood of their Mentor, Master, and Father.

When they arrived at the lair, Michelangelo ran to his room in hysterical sobs. Donnie chased after him with a shaky voice and tears.

Raph was standing watching his younger brothers fade away, and look to the eldest.

Leo didn’t wait for Raph and just walked to the dojo.

He waited till the door was closed and he was standing where he always would in-front of his Sensei.

Leo was breathing heavily, scared that he felt a little relief from his father being gone. He looked at the floor, almost expecting tears, but nothing came. All he did was shake. When he thought about trying to force himself to cry, all his mind did was give backlash, telling him how selfish it was for him to be here trying to act sad when he could be comforting his brothers.

Raph listened to his brother, breathing and mumbling from outside the dojo, as tears ran down his face. Raphael was enraged at his father—no, at himself.

Instead of going and comforting his older brother, he walked to his room and cried as well.

                  ————————————

It had only been a few months since the burial of his father, but Leo had picked up what his father left for him to lead and tried to fill the hole his father left.

Every morning he would wake up and check his brothers, he would meditate till they woke up, and then have them do their morning training.

Except, Donnie and Raph never woke up on time, and never showed for training.

As Leo sighed, looking at the empty mats beside Mikey.

Mikey looked up at Leo, trying to give a comforting smile.

“I’m still here Leo, we can do one on one if you want.”

Leo looked to his brother, saddened at the fact his brother was trying to make him happy. He smiled at Mikey and had him stand up.

“That would be amazing.”

                  —————————

Leo stared at his brothers as they ate at the dinner table in silence. He sat tall and proud, but was watching anxiously as his brothers messed with their food.

“You need to show up for training Donatello, Raphael.”

Leo used his leader voice, which made Donnie straighten up, but made Raph scowl.

“Who are you to tell me what to do?”

Leo looked at Raph with a look that usually made the brothers to do what they were told, but Raph didn’t back down.

“Splinter left me in charge of you three so you have to do-“

“I don’t have to do jack! He’s not here anymore is he? So his call doesn’t matter anymore!”

Raphael stood up and slammed his chair into the table, marching out angrily.

“Raph!”

Leo stood up and followed his brother.

When Leo found Raph punching the sand out of the punching bag, Leo sighed.

As Leo made his footsteps present, Raphs punching only grew stronger and faster.

When Leo and Raph were overlooking a deflated punching bag, Leo looked to Raph unamused.

“I’ll go get some more sand-“

“Raph, I wanted to talk with you.”

Raph looked up at Leo to see the blue turtle looking at his brother with such gentle concern and care that Raph couldn’t stop the tears from forming.

“What.” Raph yanked his head away and wiped the tears angrily. Leo placed his hand on his younger brother as he asked with all the care and love in the world.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Raph froze, and they stood their for a minute or two before Raph answered with a shaky voice.

“I miss him Leo.”

“I know. I do too.”

Raph turned and hugged his brother as he sobbed. He could feel Leo rubbing his shell lovingly, just like their dad would when they were little, coming to him with injuries like scratches and bruises.

“I—“ Raph took in a quick and shallow breath of air, “ I know you get upset when I— I blow off your training-“

“Raph,” Leo’s voice was as calm and soothing as ever. “It’s okay, I know it’s hard. All I ask is that you make the effort to come.” Raph could feel his brothers breathing becoming uneven, even if it was only a little bit.

“Leo if you wanna talk—“

Leo pulled away to give a reassuring smile.

“I’m fine Raph, but thanks for offering.”

Leo straightened up, and jerked his head to the door.

“We should probably get back to our brothers. They’re probably curious to what happened.”

Raph seemed a little thrown off by Leo shutting him out, but he nodded.

“Yeah, yeah we should.”

As him and Leo walked out of the dojo and to the kitchen, Raph caught a glimpse of a distraught look on his older brother.

It was switched with a calm and reserved look when they reached the kitchen.

                    —————————

Donnie was getting frustrated, and instead of actually building the gadget, he was just slamming the piece into the area it was supposed to fit.

He yelled out and threw the two pieces onto the floor with a clatter.

He huffed and buried his face into his arms on his desk. He heard the panicked footsteps (although barely audible) as they approached his lab. His door was propped open, because Leo had asked him to, and since Leo had ASKED, he did it.

He looked up to see his older brother standing with a look of concern and confusion on his face in the doorway.

“Is everything alright Donnie?”

He brought his eyes back to his desk again and sighed.

“I don’t know, I guess I’m having a productive slump.”

He heard Leo approach and when his rough hands were placed on his shoulders he couldn’t hold back his shaky breathing.

“Leo I don’t know what’s wrong-“

“It’s okay Donnie, you shouldn’t have to pretend like this doesn’t upset you.”

Donnie looked at Leo with watery eyes.

“It’s not the same. Everything just feels so— so..”

“Foreign?” Leo titled his head as he spoke.

Donnie nodded and leaned into his brothers plastron.

“It’s so bland now, I kinda miss getting whacked with that walking stick.”

Leo let out a light laugh, but Donnie could hear his voice coming close to cracking.

“Yeah, me too. If you ever want to talk about this more D, you know where to find me.”

Leo let go, and Donnie watched as his brother walked out of the room, limping from his bad knee ever so slightly.

                      —————————

Mikey wasn’t surprised his brother made his way around all the way to him.

Leo opened his door ever so slightly, but Mikey heard him coming from the kitchen.

Once Mikey showed any hint of hurt from their Senseis death, he knew Leo would be right next to him. Mikey wasn’t dumb, he watched as Leo followed Raph when he had a fit. He also watched Leo make his way to Donnie’s lab when HE had a fit.

Both of his older brothers attitudes had changed, even if it was only slightly, while Leo seemed to sink a little more.

So Mikey left his broken art pencils and crayons in the lair, in a semi secluded area where he knew Leo checks.

He wanted to see if his theory was right, and when he heard Leo’s footsteps outside and down the hall, he knew he was right.

When Leo opened the door a little and the light shown onto his back, Mikey looked toward his brother with a smile.

“What’s up dude?”

Leo had a tight smile on his face when he held up the crayons and pencils.

“Found these on the floor, is there anything you want to talk about?”

Mikey widened his eyes, only a little bit seeing the crayons and pencils.

“Oh, did I leave those out there?” Mikey got up and started to try and take the equipment away from Leo. “Sorry man I didn’t mean to-“

Leo brought the crayons closer to his chest, and looked at Mikey sadly.

“Mikey.”

Mikey smiled at him and took his hand gently.

“What about you Leo?”

Leo’s breath hitched, and he could see Leo panic a little, trying to retreat.

Mikey closed the door with his foot immediately and pushed his older brother against the door as the crayons and color pencils scattered on the floor.

“I’ve been watching you Leo.” Leo stood up straight trying to keep his figure.

“What—what do you mean Mikey?”

“You’ve been talking to Raph and Donnie, I don’t know about what but I know it’s making you worse.”

Leo’s face hardened and he pushed forward, making Mikey back up.

“What? Have you been listening to those conversations? Those aren’t supposed to be listened to!”

Leo was angry but Mikey wouldn’t back down.

“Doesn’t matter. All I know is, is that you haven’t cried about Sensei once. ”

Leo stiffened and his voice got louder.

“Does it matter?! I’m looking out for our family! Why does it matter how I deal with it?!”

Mikey’s breathing started speeding up, and he tripped over his crayons.

“Dude it’s not okay to keep your emotions in like this-“

“How do you know what I’m feeling?! You have no idea if I’m upset about Sensei and if I’m dealing with it!”

Leo was shaking, his fists balled up.

“Why do you think it’s okay to question my feelings?!” Leo was screaming at this point, angry beyond comprehension.

“Woah what’s going on?”

Donnie and Raph opened the door with confused looks on their faces.

“Leo! Get off of him!”

Donnie pushed Leo to the side and went to his little brother, having Raph push Leo onto the bed.

“What the hell is wrong with you?! Yelling at him like that!” Raph was angry, but Leo was angrier.

“Me?! He was the one who basically made me try to talk about something I don’t even want to talk about!”

Leo pushed Raph, about ready to start a fight until they heard sniffling.

Mikey was curled up in a ball with his knees to his chin while Donnie was holding him.

“I’m sorry Leo, I didn’t mean to make you upset…”

Leo looked at his little brother crying and his anger dissipated.

As he knelt down to his brother with sad eyes as he placed his hand on Mikey’s knee.

“Mikey,” Leo looked around with his mouth open, unsure of what to say. “Mikey I shouldn’t have snapped at you, I’m sorry about that but-“

“But? There’s a but? Why would there be a but?!”

Raph was yelling at him and Leo didn’t do anything. He couldn’t blow up again.

Instead, he took a deep breath and waited for his brother to calm down.

“But I don’t want you questioning how I deal with my emotions. It’s insensitive, and I know you were just trying to look out for me-“

Mikey sat up straighter and sniffled again.

“Leo.”

He looked up and met his brothers eyes. Big blue eyes that pierced his own. Mikey was known for being able to tell when his brothers were lying, but Leo barely even moved.

“Leo, you need to relax.”

Leo stared back at Mikey, not moving an inch. He would not let his little brother judge his emotions.

“Leo? Leo breathe!”

Mikey kept staring, relaxed and calm, when Leo snapped his head to Donnie who was at his side panicked.

“What?”

“Leo you weren’t breathing.” Donnie had a hand on his shell as Mikey cleared his throat.

“I want to have a family meeting.”

Leo looked at Mikey and then nodded.

“Okay, what do you want to talk about?”

Mikey looked at his brother, saddened by his question.

“Just us three Leo, not you..” Mikey replied with his head down. Leos eyes widened a little, with hurt showing on his face as he nodded.

“Oh, okay. I’ll, um-“ Leo looked to Raph and Donnie who just sat there, looking around.

“I’ll just go sit in the living room..”

                      —————————

Leo sat on the couch anxiously.

He picked at his fingers and bounced his legs while he racked his brain on what his brothers could be talking about.

It had been at least thirty minutes since he was told to go wait outside, and he hadn’t heard any shouting or pounding.

When the door creaked his head whipped around to see his youngest brother looking at him with a guilty expression.

“Leo,” he averted his eyes from Leo, staring at the ground. “Leo we want to talk with you.”

Leo held his breath as his brothers made their way to the center of the room, blocking his view from the tv.

“Leo,” Donnie started, but sighed. “Leo we want to talk to you about..”

“Well it’s just—“ Donnie’s mouth moved around but ultimately he gave up trying to word his sentence.

“Leo you know we love you-“ Mikey started out, but Raph cut him off with a cold tone.

“We think being leader is too much for you, and we think you shouldn’t be leader anymore.”

Leo froze.

Everything was frozen.

After a few minutes, Leo blinked and croaked.

“What—“ Leo’s eyes were wide with confusion and hurt. “What do you mean—?”

Raphs lip was quivering just barely, but he continued on.

“We think, since Sensei is no longer with us, that we should get to vote on who is and,” Raph took a sharp breath in as he turned his head away from his brother. “And who isn’t.”

Leo couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

“What?”

His three younger brothers stood there, obviously uncomfortable with the situation.

This only enraged Leonardo more.

“What?!”

Leo shot up from his seat, staring down his siblings with a terror inducing glare.

“Do you think you can just shut me out?! Like I wasn’t the only person keeping us together?!” Leo was screaming, voice cracking with watery eyes.

Donnie looked up at Leo with sad eyes.

“I’m sorry Leo, but it’s for the best.”

Leo shook his head as he tried not to fall to his knees and cry. In anger, he yelled and kicked the sofa onto its back.

“Fine.” Leo glared at his brothers.

“If you think you can last without me, then go ahead and go.”

Before any of his brothers could reach out, Leo walked to his room.

He walked, poised and calm, already scolding himself from his tantrum.

When he got to his door and closed it, he let his brothers words sink in.

Then he collapsed to his knees.

                   —————————

It had been five days.

Five days since he had talked or even looked at his brothers.

He hardly left the dojo, and when he did, he spent his time in his room or zooming in and out of the kitchen and restroom for necessities.

He never did anything to acknowledge his brothers, even though he knew what he was doing was petty, but he wasn’t leader anymore so did it even matter?

Often times he would find himself on his knees, panting from exhaustion from overworking himself.

But he mostly trained and meditated, never with his brothers.

Of course, his consciousness of his surroundings grew with less distractions, making him all too aware of everything around him, and in his brain.

Leo was meditating in the dojo, facing the large tree, away from the doorway when he had heard footsteps outside the dojo.

He straightened his posture and took a deep breath in and out.

When the door slid open, three people walked inside.

“Hey Leo,” Donnie started but when he seen Leo’s lack of a response or even a twitch he seemed to drop his cheerful tone all together.

“Listen, I know not being leader is upsetting for you,” When Leo’s eye twitched, Donnie took it as a sign to keep going.

“And it might feel as if we aren’t thinking about your feelings-“

Leo got up from his position immediately, turning and heading over to the door where Raph stood blocking it.

Leo glared at Raphael, and spoke the first word he had in days.

“Move.”

Raphael just looked back at him, nothing on his face that Leo could read.

And he was furious.

Leo didn’t yell like he wanted to, or scream and punch, instead, he grabbed Raphael by his mask tails and slammed him into the ground with zero hesitation.

A cry was heard from the two youngest, but all the third made was a grunt.

Leo immediately went calm and cold again, losing any trace of interaction with his brothers on his face as he exited the dojo. When he closed the door, he walked and fast and as quietly as he could back to his room before he could apologize.

“I’m so sorry Raph,” he whispered as he clutched onto his bed sheets. “I’m so sorry I’m so sorry I’m so-“ his breath hitched as he realized he almost started to cry. He breathed in and out through his nose again and again before he felt himself settle into his suffocating calm.

                  —————————

“Leo?”

Leo’s eyes snapped opened when his little brother called out to him.

He listened as the turtle made his way around him, immediately identifying him as Mikey because of his light footsteps.

“Leo can we talk? Or just me talk and you listen?” Mikey was at his side as Leo closed his eyes again not daring to move.

“Um,” Mikeys voice was shaky, so Leo took a deep breath in and out. He tried to remember how Mikey was the cause of his trouble, and how he shouldn’t give in, but when his little brother sniffled and talked, all he wanted to do was hug him.

“I had a nightmare, about Sensei..”

Leo’s breath hitched as his eyes opened immediately. He could tell his brother caught his panic, cause he stopped talking waiting for him to do something else.

After a little while, Mikey continued on.

“He died, and so did you..” He heard his voice shake even more making Leo shift unconsciously.

“It felt so real Leo, and when I woke up I cried and I thought you would come to my room like you always do but-“ Mikey had tears streaming down his cheeks when Leo finally looked at him.

Leo’s cold face broke, and he let a comforting smile cross his face as he slowly moved to hug his brother.

Except Mikey pushed him away with a confused look.

“What are you doing?”

Leo’s eyes went wide as he backed up.

“I— I thought—“

Mikey snorted then said in a tone that made it seem as if his statement was obvious.

“Then I remembered I didn’t need you anymore. You’re not our leader and never will be. You’re just Leo.”

Leo’s eyes went wide as the dojo and Mikey disappeared into darkness.

He snapped his eyes open to an empty and dark dojo. He looked to where Mikey was, but he wasn’t there. He sighed as he realized he fell asleep.

He moved out of the lotus position and brought his knees to his face.

His nightmares recently hadn’t been with Mikey, more Sensei and his death so he was a little thrown off.

That’s when he heard shuffling at the door.

In record time, Leo moved back into the lotus position with his breathing even and calm expression, resting his eyes as the door opened.

“Leo?”

Leo’s eyes opened as deja vu made its way through him.

Mikey’s voice was enough to identify him and he felt a cold rush shoot down his spine when his little brother made his way around him the same way he did in his dream.

He closed his eyes as his brother sat next to him sniffling.

“Can we talk? Or I talk and you listen?”

Leo just sat still, waiting for his brother to start anyways.

“I had a nightmare..” Mikey waited for an answer and when he didn’t get one his shook.

“It was about you,” Leo’s face twitched.

This wasn’t what he said in the dream.

“It was you, in the dojo, yelling at me..” Mikey’s voice was shaky as he continued.

“And you left the lair,” there was a sob, and Leo felt someone press against him.

“We couldn’t find you! We looked everywhere and we couldn’t find you..”

His brother was shaking terribly, tears and snot on Leo’s arm.

“When I woke up, I thought you would come to my room like you always do when I have a nightmare and hug me,” he sniffled.

“But when you didn’t show, I thought you left like in the dream.” Leo grimaced, feeling his eyes start to sting.

After a minute or two, Mikey pushed away from him.

“Why won’t you comfort me? Do you not love us anymore?” Mikey’s voice cracked as he started to talk louder than a whisper.

Leo opened his eyes, but didn’t look to his brother.

“I’m sorry for making you upset Leo but you need a break!” Mikey wailed. “You were waking up a 6 AM everyday ! You wanted to train three times a day and you never ate anything!”

Leo clenched his jaw, anger slowly starting to boil.

“It isn’t healthy!!” Mikey cried as he slammed his hands on the floor.

“You let everyone express their emotions except for yourself! Leo please just look at me!” Mikey grabbed Leo’s arm and spin him around.

Mikey gasped as he saw Leo’s tired and sunken eyes, red and puffy.

His small frown had tears on the corners of his mouth as his blue mask was darker around the eyes as well.

“Leo..?”

Leo’s lip trembled, but he stopped it as he scowled.

“What?” Mikey eyes widened at the coldness of Leo’s word.

“Leo please I just want my brother back-“

“You know what I want back?” Leo snapped, causing Mikey to flinch back, hurting something in his heart. Leo had to let go of his anger and pain, and Mikey wanted him to express it anyways so why can’t he now?

“I want back what I’ve worked my whole life for!” Leo screamed. Mikey curled in on himself as Leo stood up.

“Every. Day!” Leo screamed. “Everyday for 8 years !” Leo hissed.

“I did the training, I did the diet, I meditated, I did everything!!” Leo felt his eyes water and start to overflow.

“Everything!! I excelled at everything! I was better than all of you at almost everything and you think you can take those 8 years and throw them away?!”

Leo’s voice was shaky and his breathing was ragged.

“A lifetime! My lifetime!!”

Mikey reached out but Leo slapped his arm away.

“You have no idea what I’ve had to to in order to lead this team.” Leo snarled

“I did everything. ”

“Everything..” Leo fell to his knees as he heard the dojo door fly open.

“What did I do wrong?! What wasn’t done right for this to happen?” Leo cried as Donnie and Raph helped Mikey.

“Sensei please..” Leo’s head pressed to the floor as he scratched and held onto his plastron.

“What did I do? Help me please..”

“Leo..” Raph shook his head in disbelief and heartbreak.

His brothers haven’t seen him cry so openly in  6 years. To see him begging and crying for guidance and help, it broke their hearts.

Then Leo let out a scream.

                  —————————

“Is this alright? I haven’t made tea in a while..” Donnie smiled a little to try and help lighten the mood.

Leo’s eyes were so sad, Donnie just wanted to squeeze him.

Covered in a blanket, Leo sat next to the tree, staring at the dojo floor as his brothers sat in-front of him like they would with their sensei.

He had screamed for a long time before he passed out. He had punched the floor and tried to beat his head in as he wailed. When he woke up he saw his brothers tear stained faces and asked what was wrong like he hadn’t broken down hours ago.

So now he sat in-front of them, averting his eyes so wouldn’t have to see their pity for him.

“Leo we know-“

“No. No you don’t.” Leo shook his head as he clenched the cup in his hands.

Donnie stopped, and tried to reproach the conversation when Leo sighed and got up from his spot.

“Look, I know what you’re doing but I’m fine-“

Raph stood up meeting Leo face to face.

“No! No you can’t just say you’re fine and walk away anymore Leo!” Raphs voice strained, as he looked at his older brother with such concern and desperation that Leo almost faltered.

Almost.

“Raphael you will not stand in my way.”

“Or what?” Raph pushed forward, right where his face was right next to Leo’s.

“You gunna throw me on the floor again?”

Leo’s defensive pose went slack as regret immediately took over.

“Raph I didn’t mean-“

“You didn’t mean to?” Raph scoffed and laughed at the same time.

“You didn’t mean to! Of course! Should’ve known! Should’ve known it was an accident!”

Leo looked to the floor in shame as his brother laughed.

Raph stopped suddenly, and deadpanned at Leo.

“Listen Leo,” Raph put his hand on his shoulder, “I don’t blame you for that, but all I ask is for you to just listen .”

Raph grabbed Leo’s hands with a pleading look.

“ Please.”

Leo sighed and looked up at his brother.

“Fine.”

Chapter Text

Leo had listened to his brothers, one after the other.

Mikey had apologized with a darkened mask, saying he was being irrational both of the times when he told Leo to open up. He explained he felt a sort of obligation to help him, since no one else noticed. He teared up once again, hunching in on himself before apologizing once again.

Donnie didn’t apologize, just said he wished things were different. It sparked something in Leo, his anger lit aflame once more. He almost went off on him before Raph interrupted him, Raph punching Donnie.

“Fuck head!” Raph growled at him, shaking his head in distaste. “The fuck is wrong with you? Why would you say that?” He sneered at Donnie who was cradling his head, a matching scowl on his face.

“What? I didn’t say anything I didn’t mean!” Donnie snapped, but that just made Raph angrier as he raised his hand again.

This time, Leo raised his hand with his head down, silencing and stopping any further fighting. Raphs anger for him killed his own, feeling seen for the first time since their announcement to Leo.

Raph sighed, seeing as Leo wasn’t going to talk. “Donnie, if we cement filled your lab with everything in it because you spent too many nights in there and our ‘apologies’ were only ‘I wish things were different’ would you be okay with that?”

Leo winced at his example, comparing his leadership being stripped away to a concrete filled room made the situation feel so much worse or definitively hopeless in terms of getting it back.

Donnie sat there contemplating before shaking his head. “That’s not the same thing though! My sleepless nights are nothing compared to-“ Donnie stopped himself, shrinking in before huffing in defeat.

Raph turned back to his older brother, with sympathy on his face. Leo could only guess, that being a victim to anger has made him tuned in to what could set others off and why it would. Raph held his hands together, rubbing them anxiously. Leo remembered a time when they were a little younger, when Raph was a little more skittish. He would rub his hands just like Leo, but Leo never caught him doing it to the point where it hurt like he did.

“Leo, Leo I’m sorry.” His voice caught a little at the end of his sentence. Mikey and Donnie both visibly stiffened at any sign of the older twos emotions, specifically the negative ones.

Leo and Raph were the only one who understood what it was to be pressured. It was essential—— vital—— for them to be okay. Otherwise the team would fall apart. At least that’s what they felt, only seeking each other and Sensei for comfort.

For them, they were the only ones in the room.

Staring at Raph, Leos shoulders slumped and eyes heavy, he felt his bottom lip fall into a pout. Leo didn’t want to cry, not again.

So he slowly brought his shaking hands together and rubbed them. Together, both him and Raph rubbed their hands, staring every so often at each other. Leo couldn’t care less how the youngest brothers watched them with growing confusion, he couldn’t care less how he rubbed his hands raw, his palms becoming a light pink where pale greenish white should be. He didn’t care that he felt the anger turn to sadness and frustration, boiling hot in his stomach and spreading to his cheeks. He couldn’t care less about how long they sat there in silence. He just focused on his hands and Raph. Raph and his hands.

Finally, his feelings calmed down and he placed his red and raw hands down on his thighs. Meeting Raphael’s gaze, he nodded softly as if to tell the younger one that he could speak now.

“I know that this hurts you, and I know I could never understand how badly it did. But Leo, you have to understand. You aren’t okay,” he tried, his eyes falling to Leo’s knees.

“I know we all cope differently, but there’s a line between good coping and this .” Raph’s hands gripped his knee pads, his own hands a little pink as well.

Leo just nodded and placed his hand on his shoulder. Raph had never come close to bowing, but he seemed close to it now.

Leo tried to understand. Tried to tame his anger and calm his distress. But he couldn’t. All he could feel and think about was how they betrayed him, took away his life. His soul. His freedom. His raw emotion and his mind were at two different states, as he trained it to be. He never mixed emotions with his decisions but his heart ached too much.

He squeezed Raphs shoulder, anger wanting to scream at him, scream at the other two as well. But he let go, and settled down into his blanket once more.

“Leave,” Leo said, earning all six of their eyes on him.

“Leo I don’t think-“

“ Please .”

——————

He laid in the dojo for what felt like hours, curled up next to the tree. He couldn’t help it. His main source for comfort was gone, his father no more.

He tried to imagine his fur, his robe, anything. He laid his head on the thick roots, pretending it was his father’s lap.

He knew he was pathetic, knew groveling like this would disappoint his father but he couldn’t help it. His sadness weighing down on him and a new empty feeling depleted his energy and stole his strength. All he wanted was to be in his father’s presence. To lay with him, even for a second. It’s all he wanted. Nothing else mattered.

He fell asleep on the tree, but awoke when he heard the door slide open. He stayed in his position, eyes not opening more than halfway.

“Leo, we have dinner.” Donnie’s voice rang throughout the room, his soft voice loud in the quiet room.

Leo didn’t get up, didn’t acknowledge his attempt at conversation or kindness. He was too tired. Maybe all the early mornings and endless training finally caught up to him.

“Leo?” He asked.

Maybe it was all for nothing. Maybe sucking up to their father like that was pathetic. Maybe he should’ve pursued hobbies like skateboarding or tech like Donnie or Mikey. Maybe he should’ve listened to new music once in a while. Maybe he shouldn’t have lingered around his father every day in a pathetic attempt to be seen as the good son. The best son.

“Leo? Did you hear me?”

And it’s not like he didn’t have hobbies, he just didn’t like to give all his time up to them. He liked his shows and his music. But why should he have to change how much time he devoted to them? It’s not like watching them would do him any better! So why were they so peeved when he wanted to spend that time doing something-

“Leo!” Donnie yelled, walking over to him.

Leo finally looked over his shoulder to see the darkened figure with a plate in his hand.

“Leo? Are you okay?”

Once the sentence escaped Donnie’s lips, Leo felt it. The burning sensation he refused to give into. It lingered behind his eyeballs, and made his eyelids ache. He just nodded, moving back to burry his face in his arms.

He couldn’t let his little brother see him like this. Yeah the idea of letting loose, showing them just how much he was hurt sounded good but he never wanted to actually do it. He’s always wondered how it would feel to tell them his sorrows, what their reaction would be like. But there were too many consequences, too many questions and uncomfortable comfort for him to be so honest.

So he stuffed his face into his elbow and he evened out his breathing, listening to the clink of the plate as it was set next to him.

He was starving.

——————

Leo’s head throbbed, his skull feeling too heavy to carry.

His mind felt heavy as well, a fog keeping him from thinking clearly. This fog was normal for him, just not this thick. On normal days, it was just clear enough for him to comprehend and execute what was asked of him.

Today everything just felt like shit.

So he got up off of his knees, screaming at him for sleeping in the kneeling position he knocked out in. He didn’t leave the Dojo, instead fell victim to its quiet and comforting atmosphere.

He watched the long gone cold plate of actual food, not pizza.  He frowned as his stomach ate itself from the inside out, trying desperately to consume.

So he rolled over and picked up the cold fork, pushing the chicken and green beans on his plate. He was grateful that Mikey seemed to follow his diet still, the portions smaller than what his brothers would eat. Leo worked extremely hard for what he wanted and he wasn’t going to let an extra portion of chicken or green beans fuck it up for him.

Eating in the quiet and desolate area, Leo couldn’t help but feel numb. It wasn’t just a neutral feeling, it was that ugly kind of numb. The numb that made you want to claw off your skin, that mind splintering lack of emotion that made you scream out from the bottom of your soul for any kind of relief. The one that was impossible to be overcome, and no matter how much you wanted and begged yourself to care, you simply couldn’t. This frustration, a small and cramped cage that Leo sat in——contrary to the wide and empty Dojo——was suffocating. The food sat cold and bland on his tongue, heavy with seasoning and guilt. Guilt for his father, what he wasn’t able to become.

Hell, his father probably knew how pathetic he was. Leonardo——the runt of the litter—— so pathetic and useless he had to take him under his wing personally if he was going to survive. Donnie was smart, Raph was strong, and Mikey had this way of doing ——a raw and unpredictable talent for fighting. Leo had nothing. Nothing that made him stick out, nothing to depend on.

He scoffed at that thought, a smirk etched onto his face as he pushed the chicken from one side to the other. His fork felt heavy in his fingers, setting it down on the plate so he can lay next to it. Arm under his head he watched the food as if it was going to grow legs and leave. Something so meaningful and crucial to his life, just leaving suddenly.

He didn’t notice the tears build up, all moving to the corner of one eye and the inner corner of the other. He tried to smile again but once he felt the shakiness of his own lips, he let his face fall back into a frown.

Why couldn’t it have been him? God knows as much as he likes to say that his brothers needed him, they didn’t actually need him. Mikey’s the one that cooks and makes them laugh, Raph can do any and all of the heavy lifting necessary, and Donnie can fix anything the other two break. Leo had been pretending that he was crucial to the team no—— crucial to his family—— for 8 years. He felt the shaky smile come back, tears falling into his chicken for just a bit more of that salty flavor. Splinter knew that he wasn’t anything, that’s why in their late night training sessions, he would instruct him on what to do if they were held in a captive situation. How he would get his brothers out, and how he would give himself up entirely for their safety.

Splinter of course never liked going over the subject, but instructed Leo that since he was the oldest, he must be willing to sacrifice for his family. Leo understood, seeing how that his loss might shock the family but not necessarily damage it. His brothers didn’t need him, hell he wasn’t even sure they wanted him. Mikey didn’t need to be babied anymore, Raph doesn’t need to be coddled, and Donnie is smart enough to know that he isn’t a little kid anymore. Leo’s job was to help them grow up and take care of themselves and now his job was done. What really makes his life the joke it really is——is the fact that he was simply teaching them shittier less life changing lessons that Splinter taught him! He could never come up with something original to help his brothers with their dilemmas, he’s never had a singular thought for himself! It would probably be better if he died right there, to spare his brothers the suffering of having to grow with someone so useless. Like a weed in a bed of flowers.

Leo laughed again, watching his plate as if it were a five star comedian who just said the joke of the century. He could hear the pitter patter of the rain, looking up to see the grate letting the water into the dojo. His brothers seemed to have the decent idea to put the mats away because Leo was too busy wallowing in self pity to do it.

He watched the water fall to the floor and slowly flow to the far wall, then falling into the drain Donnie installed. Such a genius, his little brother. Finding a way to keep their father’s tree alive and stay underground without an extreme amount of effort. Leo looked back to the tree, shining in the late night New York glow.  Different colors danced on the wet leaves red, purple, orange, all shimmering as if they were the most natural things in the world. His eyes followed a certain water droplet, move down a leave and fall to the roots of the tree to be absorbed.

Like water, Leo can only reflect the light of others.

——————

“Helloooo??”  A soft and rather pitchy voice flowed into the dojo with a rhythm his brothers haven’t been carrying these past few days.

It had to be Casey.

Leo pushed himself off the floor, swaying as he stood up and smiled.

“Casey! What brings you here?” He walked over to him and pulled him in for a hug.

Casey looked at him a little shocked and confused, but ultimately relieved.

“Oh nothing, just wanted to see how you guys were doing. I already said hi to the rest of the guys so I thought I drop by,” Casey looked at the tree and Leo saw sadness overtake his eyes. “Pay my respects.”

Leo nodded with understanding, his hand on Casey’s shoulder as he guided him to the tree.

“You haven’t been here in a while Case, not to pry but why so distant?” Leo asked, both of them getting into position to kneel.

“Well I was going to come but Donnie said to give you guys some space for a few days, but then after a few days while me and April were I guess hanging out, April got a text from Raph to stay away for a little while longer,” Casey frowned.

Leo’s eyes darkened for just a second before twisting into a false confusion.

“That’s strange, but if they needed the space for themselves I can imagine why they would text you guys,” Leo nodded.

“Raph and Donnie said you were having a particularly rough time when I got here, but you seem like you’re doing alright?” Casey looked to him with hesitance.

Leo’s eyes widened slightly with shock but he shook his head as he laughed lightly.

“What? No! Of course not!” Leo cringed at his words. “Well I mean..” he sighed and looked back up towards the tree. “Of course I’m upset, but Sensei wouldn’t want me to dwell on it.  If anything, my brothers have been acting,” Leo looked around before leaning in. “Erratic.”

Casey laughed lightly, a small smile. “How so?” Leo sat back upright.

“They’ve just been total control freaks. They’ve just been watching me like I’m going to be the next one to..” Leo’s sentence ran off as his smile faded. Casey’s smile fell off as well, his eyes squinting with hurt. “Well you know,” Leo tried weakly, his eyes flicking up to Casey’s before falling back to the roots of the tree. “I know it’s been hard for them, Mikey especially, but they seem to think that they’re responsible for everything about my life now!” He exclaimed softly, with confusion plastered all over his face.

Casey shared a confused look, looking at the tree. “Out of the four of you, I thought you would be the last brother who would need to be told what to do.” They both laughed softly, Leo leaning his head on Casey’s shoulder. Casey’s head on his.

Finally he felt a burn that he didn’t want to shut out. The aches in his eyes weren’t rejected, the tears weren’t violently rubbed out of his eyes. So while he and Casey sat admiring the life his father nourished, Leo accepted his grief, if only a little bit.

Then the door slide open with a slam.

“Casey! What did we say about coming into the dojo!” Donnie cried, but Raphael footsteps seemed to drown out his panic. Leo didn’t have time to react before Casey was being pulled up by the collar and shoved backwards.

“We told you to leave him alone Jones!” Raph growled, creating a space between the two.

“Hey man I was just coming to say hi! You don’t need to monitor his interactions you know!” Casey snapped back, an obvious anger towards Leo’s brothers had grown in the few minutes they had together. This only enraged Raph more and he kept shoving Casey out of the Dojo.

Leo got up, furious from the hostility shown but wasn’t able to say anything before the door shut and he was alone once more.

——————

“Leo?”

He blinked groggily, meditating once again.

“What is it now Mikey.” His tone a little colder than what he had in mind. He would’ve flinched at his words if he wasn’t all so sure that Mikey was here to play another trick again. A trap. Staying quiet as he listened to the dreaded pitter patter of his younger brother, the one who had set him off twice and got him into a deeper shit hole every time. He held no malice towards Mikey, but it was hard being trusting now.

“Sorry about Casey, we told him to leave you alone.” Mikey stood close to where Leo was sitting, his legs almost grazing his shell. Leo looked up at Mikey to see him with an annoyed look on his face, as if the teenagers name was enough reason to be mad at him. Casey, the one to approach the brothers with concern and love. To walk up to Leo despite his brother’s warnings. April hadn’t even come to check on them, but Casey did. He showed up unannounced to show them despite their insistent demands of being left alone that they are in fact not alone.

Leo scowled, teeth grinding together. He couldn’t understand why his brothers were so mad at Casey. All he did was comfort Leo like he was a person, not a frightened kitten. So he stood up, his height making him just taller than Mikey to look down on him. Mikey backed up, eyes wide with confusion and fear.

“Why are you so mad at him? Because he talked to me or because I talked to him? It’s not his fault that he lost a father figure as well Yknow! He was just looking out for us!” Leo snapped, pressing forward with every sentence forcing Mikey to back up towards the door. He felt his body temperature rising as his stomach and face grew hot. He was going to keep yelling before his eyes caught Mikey’s, showing Leo the real fear in Mikey’s face. His eyes were pleading, apologetic for whatever he had said to set him off. It threw Leo off, standing up straight and taking a step back. He watched his little brother’s small and meek form curled up.

Leo shook his head softly, eyes closed as he put his palm to his head. “I’m sorry Mikey, I shouldn’t have yelled.” He stumbled back to the tree, suddenly lightheaded. God he was such a screw up. Yelling at his little brother? For what? For wanting his older brother to have some space? He leaned up against the trunk, sliding down slowly as his hand massaged the center of his face. Splinter should have never trusted Leo to lead this family, because all he had done recently was hurt them. He noticed from the corner of his eye, Mikey standing up and walking back over hesitantly. It left a pit in his stomach, watching Mikey get up and take heavy steps toward him like there was no other option.

“Why do you keep coming back?” Leo’s voice rasped, eyes burning as he watched his brother walk over to him with a heartbroken expression. Mikey didn’t say a word, just walking closer with those big faithful eyes. It drove Leo insane. How could he be so calm? He’s yelled and thrown him across the room three times. He’s ignored his feelings and snapped like Mikey was the devil himself. Leo’s eyes watered even more, his lips trembling. “Why Mikey! Why are you doing this?” Leo cried into his knees, his hands on top of his head to block out the noises his brother wasn’t making. It was terrifying! His determination, his mission to reach into Leo and pull out his most delicate and fragile pieces. Leo couldn’t bear it, he didn’t want to. Only Splinter had seen him so pitiful, Raph on special occasions but that was to a certain degree. Mikey’s eyes and expression was asking him to give him everything. All of his sorrow, all of his pain. It was terrifying.

He felt Mikey squat down beside him, now trying to catch Leo’s eyes. When Leo turned his head to see Mikey, he looked understanding and sympathetic. He looked at Leo like he was a little kid, as if he was seven years old again with a scraped knee. He felt anger bubble up inside him, but as he held his gaze he let that anger fall away and burn as embarrassment and shame. He felt the heat move to his cheeks not out of aggression but as nervous pitiful fear of his brother’s scrutiny. What if they find out he isn’t necessarily over the moon about having to sacrifice himself? Hell he was scared shitless. He didn’t want to die. How will they react when they find out he’s not as wise as he says he is? As tough as he portrays himself to be? Not fearless not poised not——

“Leo.”

Eye flickered from the floor up to Mikey once again. When had he moved them? He could hear his heart thumping erratically in his chest. When had it started? His lungs ached, no air circulating. When had he stopped? He couldn’t hear that stupid fucking cane thumping. When will he come back?

Like that, Leo’s eyes were overflowing. The watergate he had so easily locked away when he was splattered with his own father’s blood now burst from the cracks, overcoming every ounce of calm and peace. Leo was suddenly 16. Suddenly he wasn’t the 30 year old man who was strict on diet. The master ninja top of his class. He wasn’t the one who excels, the one who leads. He wasn’t a warrior. He wasn’t a soldier.

Leo was 16, with a dead father and a will to live.