Chapter Text
Mina wants to love a girl.
Just a girl. Doesn’t matter who it is. As long as she loves Mina and Mina loves her. Is it wrong to want that? Because right now, it seems very wrong to her.
She twists and turns in her bed, thinking about it. She’s sixteen already, never even been close to having a relationship that’s more than a good friendship.
Why can’t she have the things her friends have. Like Momo and Sana, who are meant for each other and have been since they met. Or Nayeon and her third boyfriend, whom she swears to marry someday. Or Jihyo who’s obsessed with this boy in her grade.
No. Mina hasn’t been close to any of that. No middle school crush, high school sweetheart, or online flirts. And it makes her sick.
Mina sighs into the darkness of her room. There’s gotta be someone out there, right? At this point, she doesn’t really care who it is. As long as she can tell them about her favorite singer, the book she’s reading, and her dreams of becoming a Ballet dancer. She wants to listen to their dreams too, of course. Mina can’t help but wonder if their voice sounds pretty and what kind of dates she could go on with this someone. If there is a someone of course.
She remembers. Right now there isn’t anyone. Right now she’s alone. And that’s the problem. Mina doesn’t love anyone. She wishes she would. But she doesn’t. And something tells her, that this will never change.
She can't stop thinking about it. It's like a very loud other Mina is screaming at her. She hates loud noises. Especially the ones, that are directed at her. And so she sighs, again. She turns around, again. She watches the blank wall in front of her, again. How comforting would it be, if there was someone being there for her, right now. But there's no one.
"Stop Mina." She whispers to herself. Then she's silent, waiting for a noise. After a while she breathes again. For a second she thought, her parents were coming home. But, alas, the party on the other side of the street just got louder again. Darn those thin walls. She could go back there, give half an excuse as to why she suddenly left and socialize. But why bother. All that she wants to do is lay in bed and think about all the times she messed up. Yes, it’s one of those nights.
For as long as Mina can remember, recess in winter meant silent minutes in the library of Mina's high school. It's like a small little breather she needs during stressful finals and the anxiety that a large group of obnoxious teens gives her on a daily basis. Not that Mina isn't currently one of those teens. Mina always wondered why no one ever goes there, except her and Jeongyeon, a good friend of hers. The cozy library is heated, big, wooden shelves decked with old, boring books making the place almost magical. She really enjoys every second she gets to spent in this gorgeous place. But the lack of sleep must've finally gotten to her head, as she starts groaning. A constant pressure feeling like it's drilling right into her temples.
"Rough night?" Jeongyeon asks. And Mina wants to answer honestly. She really does.
"Just- couldn't sleep well. Don't know why."
Jeongyeon barely looks up from her book. And as Mina mindlessly eyes pages 567 and 568, she wonders when she has seen her friend last without that thing. Usually, Jeongyeon isn't a book type of girl, more like a girl who once threw Mina's book out of a classroom window and started yelling something about her having to live her life for once and how she despises the government. Because she literally did that. Thinking about it now makes Mina question her friend’s sanity.
"Must be tired because of the party," Jeongyeon mischievously looks up from the book, "I haven't seen you at all at some point." Fuck. Mina had left the party immediately after watching all her friends disappear into different corners of Jeongyeon's place and Mina had felt out of place once again. She knows she could've just went with one of them or forced Sana to stay with her in the living room. But she just didn't feel like it. Why bother with a party you don't want to be at?
"You were there though right? Went with Sana and Momo or something?"
"I- no. I left after an hour or so." Sometimes you have to twist the reality a little.
"Ah, it's alright I guess. Wasn't the best one anyway," Jeongyeon laughs a little, "But you have to come to Sana's party this night. Since- you know."
Oh, Mina knows. Her other childhood friend, Sana, always makes a big deal out of every birthday, her own one included. Since December 29th (her birthday) Sana had been way too excited to actually celebrate her special day. Sweet Seventeen. A month or so late, but it's not like Sana cares about the specifics.
"She will kill you if you don't show up," Jeongyeon says, gently closing her book and sliding it right into a designated spot in her bag. Just as the bell rings, Mina's done eating her lunch as well.
"I know, I'm gonna be there. I promise," Mina sighs, mentally preparing herself to leave the comfort of dark oak shelves and red comfy chairs, "You sometimes forget just how often you force parties onto me."
"But hey, to my defense, wouldn't I do that you would never get out of your hobbit hole."
"Making old-school book references now?" Mina raises an eyebrow.
"What can I say? You're friends with a literature major now."
"We're not even in college yet."
"Pshh."
Mina rolls her eyes on that, Jeongyeon really is a riddle for her. Even after all those years.
"By the way, how 'bout you go and talk to Sana about it. Since she's really stressed and stuff. She might calm down a little when she hears the good news," Jeongyeon pulls open the door for both of them.
"Oho, look at you caring about your friends like that," Mina curtsies for a second before walking into the absolute chaos that is the high school hallway. The second the both of them are in there, she already wants to leave. The loud noise, all the people she doesn't know and doesn't want to know. And no, Mina's not the quirky loner. She really enjoys seeing her friends. Just lacking some basic social skills and enough life spirit, that's all.
"You alright?" Jeongyeon asks, pulling her out of her little thought.
"Yeah, just tired."
"If you say so."
It's almost immediately draining all of Mina's energy. Her head hurts again, the backpack she's carrying feels way heavier and she can't wait to get home already. Since there she gets to sleep or breathe properly without feeling like everybody is judging her every move. But she still has some classes to attend. And she has to go look for Sana and tell her that she's going to that stupid birthday party. Don't be so mean.
Jeongyeon starts talking again, or so Mina guesses. It's way too loud and she's basically already at the very end of the hallway, stuffing some books into her locker. With squinted eyes and extreme focus Mina tries figuring out what the hell Jeongyeon's trying to say. Trying to decipher why her eyes lit up, why the corners of her mouth raise higher and higher while she's waving her hands all over the place.
"-like another whole universe that's full of-"
Ahh. She's talking about that stupid book.
The music room is filled with crying and yelling, even before Mina carefully opens the door. The first thing she sees is a fuming Sana running right at her with full speed. Sana's hair is a fiery red mess. She's crying, her face all red and puffy. And every time she breathes in, she cries out even louder. Mina is sure that's the worst state she has ever seen Sana in.
"Thank god you're here," Momo almost falls into Mina's arms and for a second Mina stiffens up. She isn't used to Momo yet. Momo and Sana have been together for ages, but Mina can't really seem to get used to her presence yet. And her touchiness. God, how Mina wishes she could feel comfortable whenever Momo hugs her as a greeting, but she just cannot.
"What's wrong? Why is she crying?"
"Oh it's just-"
"My cousin won't be there! My favourite cousin won't be there for my seventeenth birthday party. I have to cancel everything now."
Sana cries even harder. At this point, Mina has two touchy girls half greeting half using her as a human-sized tissue.
"I have literally never heard of this cousin before," Momo whispers to Mina, before thankfully stepping aside to give Sana some space to cry and use Mina as a stress ball.
"Why you here by the way?" Momo asks, leaning against the piano behind her and looking a little too good for Mina's preference. All curves and black silky bangs. Momo seems to have those days where she just looks like a goddess. But Mina doesn't allow herself to think about her best friend’s girlfriend like that today. Or never.
"I just wanted to say that I'll definitely be there." Mina breathes through. But the newfound oxygen gets punched out of her lungs before she could enjoy it as Sana squeaks and squishes Mina to death. Or however close you can get to death without actually dying. Because damn this girl got some strength in her body.
"Really?" Sana yells, almost busting Mina's eardrums.
"Yes."
"Look! I told you she'd come," Momo throws in before immediately earning a forceful kiss by Sana, "damn."
"You have no idea how happy that makes me!" Sana turns back to Mina, hugging her tight once again and throwing her a smile that melts Mina's heart for just a second. Sana can be so pure. Almost like a sun she's radiating all good energy and love.
"I already bought a dress and everything," Sana screams at this point, "for you, of course, because you have no taste in fashion at all."
Welp. There goes the sun comparison. Why does every one of Mina's friends have to be so mean?
"What?"
"Don't bother! It was only a couple of hundreds."
Oh, that's right. Sana's also by far the richest student at their school. Only fitting she's dating the principal's daughter.
"Excuse me?"
But Sana simply ignores the confusion Mina tries to communicate and nearly kills her once again. After she made Mina question their friendship, she throws her arms around the other girl standing in the music room again. Sana passionately stares into Momo's eyes, almost like she's communicating a thousand different thoughts via eye contact and they kiss. Mina feels like she's invading their privacy, even though it was something she sees nearly every day. But apart from shame she also feels a little hurt, seeing her friends like this. She fastly looks away, out of the window or her hands or anything. The pressure on her head grows stronger. The type of pain around her heart weirdly familiar. She doesn't love Momo or Sana. She doesn't love anyone. But seeing two girls she knows, being so close, so in love, so comfortable with each other's presence, feels like falling into a pit. Don't be jealous. She doesn't want to be. But again, she can't help it.
"Guys," Mina fake whines, trying to get her friend’s attention, "English class already started."
"Oh, fuck you're right."
Mina breathes out. She got this. She totally got this.
"Are you done yet?"
"Mina, I said give me a few minutes!"
Mina lays down on Dahyun's bed, relaxing immediately as the soft cotton presses against her back. Since she lives the closest to Sana, Mina decided to get ready with Dahyun, kind of hoping it would motivate her to actually go. But now that Dahyun's been in the bathroom for like 40 minutes, Mina regrets her decision.
"What are you even doing in there?" Mina groans. Dahyun peeks out of the bathroom to look her dead in the eye.
"It's called Makeup. You should try it."
Mina flips her off before letting her head sink into the cushion once again. Her eyes glide over the pale ceiling wall of Dahyun's room, her thoughts already spiraling out of control. She and Dahyun only have known each other for a few months, been friends for less. Still, Dahyun had no problem immediately cracking jokes about Mina, whenever she gets the chance. And to be honest Mina wasn't always alright with that. Yes, she knows this kind of behaviour well enough from Jeongyeon and Nayeon. But there was always this odd kind of feeling when Dahyun did it. Like she actually meant some of the stuff she keeps saying. Tzuyu, Dahyun's long distance girlfriend and one of Mina's closest friends, says that it's just Dahyun's way of bonding and making friends. But Mina can't really believe that sometimes.
"Ta da~"
Mina has never seen Dahyun in a dress before, she thinks. Because if she did, the image would probably be imprinted in her brain. Because wow. Dahyun does a little twirl in her black velvet dress, smiling as her eyes meet Mina's. She really put a lot of effort into her Makeup. So much you can't even tell she's wearing it. Now, Dahyun always looks effortlessly pretty. But today it's reached another level. Like she was born this way, perfect and every drop of ugliness just glances off her smooth skin. It's only then, when Dahyun shoots her with another mean joke, that Mina realizes that she's been staring.
"Sorry. You look really pretty, Dahyunnie."
"Thanks."
Dahyun glides with her hands over the dress as she carefully sits down next to Mina. It's clear she doesn't feel a hundred percent comfortable in this outfit. But she rocks it nonetheless. She lets herself fall back like Mina did, her blonde hair fluffing all around her head as she turns to Mina.
"We have a lot more time left than I thought," Dahyun says. And Mina feels weak around her heart as she realizes how their arms have been lying next to each other. Warm skin against her own.
"What do you want to talk about?" Dahyun asks.
"I don't know," Mina says, even though there's clearly a question burning in her brain, "How has everything been going with Tzuyu?"
Dahyun squints her eyes, clearly confused.
"Tzuyu? Why do you care?"
"I'm not sure. You seem kind of down since she left."
Mina can feel her heart beating faster. Wasn't that a little too personal? She should clarify that it's okay for Dahyun not wanting to talk about it, right? Mina hates getting into other’s business, it's not hers after all. So she doesn't fully understand why she's doing it right now. She could've just not let her curiosity take over like she normally does.
Dahyun turns again, just facing the ceiling, probably thinking about a good way to say Why do you care, asshole?
"Duh. Of course, it's hard. But I try not to think too much about it."
Now Mina really regrets asking. But before she can say anything back, Dahyun pours her heart out.
"It's actually good that you ask, Mina. I sometimes feel like no one ever asks me how I feel about her exchange year. Probably because it's her exchange year," Dahyun stretches her arms and sighs, "but it's hard for me too. After a long time pining after my childhood friend, we were finally, officially together and then she just left."
Dahyun breathes out again. And Mina does too. It feels heavy on her chest. How can it be so easy for Dahyun to just let all that out?
"I think it's pretty shitty of Tzuyu to just leave you like that."
"She didn't though. She asked multiple times if it was really okay for me. She's perfect, Mina. Of course, she cares about my feelings. But still, I feel like if she had just asked me once more, I would've been honest and told her I wasn't alright with that. At all."
Oh.
"It still hurts though. Knowing I won't see her for another five months. Stupid exchange year."
Mina truly has no idea what to say.
"Tzuyu is a great person."
"She is."
The two girls lie in silence for a while. Both deep in thoughts about their own selfish problems. There must be complete chaos in Dahyun's head. Mina would guess Dahyun's partially happy for her girlfriend getting her experience and joy but on the other side she wishes Tzuyu had stayed for her. Rough.
"What about you? Any romance going on in your life?"
Mina isn't so easygoing when it comes to her own problems. She isn't easygoing at all.
"Not really. Focusing on school and stuff."
"Yeah, right," Dahyun laughs, "be honest, Mina. Isn't there someone you like?"
Mina says nothing. And Dahyun lets loose. Maybe feeling a little ashamed after teasing Mina like that. But Mina feels she really doesn't need to.
"No, really. I don't want to be in a relationship." Saying such an obvious lie feels childish. And Mina knows that deeper beyond her creeping fear of opening up she really wants to be honest with Dahyun.
"But Tzuyu is great. You're so lucky."
They go on talking about Dahyun's crisis. About how she sometimes wishes she could just break up because it would be so much easier to deal with a break up instead of this ongoing yearning for her girlfriend, while Mina childishly wishes she had that kind of problems. She knows relationships are hard, but somehow she feels so ready to deal with something like that if it meant she had someone to love. But she can't say that, so she just listens and tries to feel helpful that way. But why does love play such a big part in her life, if she never even is in love? Why can't she just get over it? Accept her fate. She's never going to kiss someone. Never going to love someone. But that's okay, right? She has herself and her friends. That should be enough. Some people have real problems, after all.
"We should go now," Dahyun pulls her out of her mind.
"Right."
While Dahyun seems to struggle once more because she can't find a matching jacket, Mina stares at herself in the mirror next to Dahyun's dark wardrobe. The dress Sana picked is this long ashy pink one. Mina has seen similar ones in Sana's walk-in closet. Mina thanks herself for picking heels for the night. If she hadn't, she'd probably trip and break a neck. Sana seems to really know what Mina likes, what matches with her and her personality. She didn't do anything to her black hair, which she regrets, seeing Dahyun all styled up with hairspray and curls. She had just brushed through it like a thousand times and prayed.
"This one will do, right?" Dahyun pulls out a white fluffy jacket out of her closet.
"I guess so."
"You're great help, unnie," Dahyun says, rolling her eyes.
"Jesus Christ." Dahyun clumsily drops her small white purse, its insides spreading across the street.
"You've never been to Sana's, right?"
"I'm new in this friend group, okay? Sana and I just share the same Spanish class."
The friend group Dahyun is definitely not that new in, contains of now eight girls in 10th or 11th grade. In Mina's first year of high school, Momo, Sana and her were all very determined to be popular, like one does. Their attempt ended in this beautiful chaos, a semi-big friend group and a couple of big fights between them. Mina shakes her head.
"Sana lives in a fucking mansion. Don't tell me you knew that?!"
"I have known her since I was ten."
Mina has been to Sana's place dozens of times. But still, she's always a little overwhelmed by the sight of Sana's house. Big white squares that in the night and on special occasions are decked with lights and shimmer. If you listen closely, you can hear the pond burble in the front of the house or look a little closer through the dark night and see multiple big cars parked in a clean row. Everything looks clean and neat. And though there is more than loud music streaming out from the inside of those big walls, Mina feels easier seeing this familiar place.
"I wouldn't have chosen this dress if I knew it was that fancy!" Dahyun yells out, looking down on herself and then at Mina.
"You should never choose this dress ever again, Dahyunnie," Mina lies.
"Thanks, friend."
They laugh and Mina feels much warmer for a second. For the first time, she feels a deeper bond between them than she usually does. Like they've known each other for years and years. And the teasing and joking aren’t as one-sided. And Mina can laugh with Dahyun instead of being terrified of what kind of opinion regarding Mina forms inside her friend’s head at this very moment. But when Dahyun runs up the stairs, greeting Sana already with a hug and leaving Mina behind, this comfortable feeling withdraws.