Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It started normally enough, with two girls posing in the middle of a frozen field on a cloudy winter day. One stood with her arm extended up in a salute that would have been very suspect if this had taken place on earth, one foot kicked up as her skirt flapped in the breeze. In a slight nod to the fact that it was winter, she had on thick woolen stockings and a heavy cloak, but her bodice was still rather low cut, and her cheeks were as red as her eyes from the cold.

The other was dressed like some sort of little snow gremlin, which fit her personality nicely. She had on a white poncho over long black pants, with little black ears on the hood that had yellow tassles dangling from it. Her own pose had both arms spread wide, a manic grin on her face. The two girls' breath puffed misty in the air, the only sound that of the first's nervous breathing.

"GO!" the snow gremlin shouted, and both dove for the ground.

The one in the cloak began to carefully pack snow into exact spheres, then stack them on the ground. She meticulously made about two perfect snowballs, when the first of the misshapen hunks of snow and ice her foe was using smacked into her head.

"Ow! M-megumin! Using rocks is cheating!"

"HA! Only a fool does not use every tool available to them!" Megumin declared, hurling another snowball at her opponent, and leaving a welt on her left breast from the rock she'd stuck inside. "DO YOU YIELD, YUNYUN?!"

"No! I will be the next chief of the Crimson Demon Clan! I-I shall never yield!" Yunyun panted, then hurled her own ball, which knocked Megumin's hood off her head and sent the other girl toppling into the snow. Yunyun jerked to her feet, shocked, and ran over in a panic to her friend. "A-are you OK?!"

With a snarl, Megumin jumped up out of the snow and tackled Yunyun into a snowbank, then proceeded to dump snow by the armful onto Yunyun, until her victim pleaded for mercy.

"I win again!" Megumin declared, standing up and posing with a V Sign by her eye. She then extended a mittened hand to Yunyun, helping her half frostbitten rival to her feet. "Ha! Once more I declare victory! You have to buy me lunch."

Both of them walked back from the field, pausing only for Megumin to let off her daily Explosion and destroy a hapless whitefang that had been looking for an easy meal, and had mistaken the two little girls for something harmless. Instead of a walking SALT II violation and a demigod with anxiety issues. As Megumin's explosion was on the order of weapons that are strictly regulated by treaty on civilized worlds, there wasn't enough of the deadly wolf to fill a thimble.

After Yunyun took care of the three deadly One-Punch Bears that came to investigate the massive earthquake and fireball by doing her very best angry deity impression, she hoisted Megumin onto her back and trudged through the smocking crater and burning woodland. Like most teenagers, once Megumin blew her load, she was useless until she'd had a good long rest.

"Um, M-Megumin, would you like to uh, come over the day after tomorrow?" Yunyun asked.

"Why would I do that? Do you think we're friends or something?" Megumin demanded, taking a rather saucy tone for someone who was basically helpless save for Yunyun's willingness to give her a ride back to town. "We're rivals!"

"W-well, um, I w-was thinking…we could have a contest to see who could blow out the most candles on a cake!" Yunyun suggested.

"Why?" Megumin asked, sounding suspicious.

Yunyun wilted, slumping lower as she marched past the still smoldering remains of the 1000 kilo murder machine that she'd killed with a casual gesture a few minutes earlier. "Um, w-well…it's going to be my birthday, so…"

"No it isn't. You don't have a birthday this year," Megumin said dismissively. "It's not a leap year, and your birthday is on February 29th. Therefore, you have no birthday, and we definitely won't have a party for you."

Yunyun sniffled, but walked on quietly. Megumin coughed, and continued, "So, who else will be there?"

"No one. I don't have any friends," Yunyun said miserably.

"Well, have you asked anyone else?" Megumin demanded.

"No…I-I just wanted to spend my birthday with my best…rival…"

"Well, I have a better idea. You can come over to the mansion. I suppose I can have Darkness or Aqua cook something for you. Occasionally they have boring dishes like marbled red crab or something."

Yunyun immediately lit up. "I-I love marbled red crab! Especially with cheddar b-biscuits, a-and coleslaw, or maybe-"

"This isn't your birthday party! I will decide the dishes as host, and if you complain you can just stay home. Ugh, I don't even know why I'd invite you over, but it's too cold to have our competition outdoors that day, so we can do something inside," Megumin declared.

"Oh, ok…"

After a few minutes, Megumin rather artlessly asked. "So, what's your favorite kind of cake?"

"Strawberry," Yunyun said, perking up. "Maybe we could have-"

"Strawberry? That is a weak, inferior flavor. Chocolate is clearly superior!"

"I-I guess…I-I just really like strawberries. I've always imagined having strawberry cake with friends on my birthday…"

"You're a friendless loser. No one is going to make you strawberry cake for dinner."

"I-I guess…"

After asking several more questions that were barely disguised as naked probing and then brushing them off with more rude bullying, the pair arrived at the guild, where they turned in the quest to destroy the roving white fang that had slaughtered one low level adventurer group on its own, as well as the three bears that had seriously wounded a royal knight and killed his squire. The dangerous monsters came out in the winter, and most sensible adventurers stayed inside where it was warm and safe.

"I like this time of year," Yunyun remarked as they sat at a booth and waited for their food. "I-It reminds me of home."

"Yeah, this is the only time of year you see any even remotely interesting monsters around Axel," Megumin agreed. "It's too bad they don't have the Winter Raids by the demonic hordes, or the Giant Bull Ant Migration. Something actually challenging. White fangs and One-Punch bears are more summer monsters, really."

Yunyun nodded, taking a sip of the hot coco she'd ordered for both of them. "Yeah, I-I think they migrate away from the village when the really strong monsters arrive for the winter season and come here. I-I wouldn't mind seeing an actually strong monster though, l-like maybe a Bloodthirster or a Vampire Lord. It would be nice to have a challenge…"

"We fought the Winter Shogun last year," Megumin said smugly. Then her expression fell. "Kazuma was killed though."

"Oh, that's too bad. Were you OK?" Yunyun asked, putting a hand on Megumin's.

"Yeah, Aqua brought him back, that was the first time I saw him die," Megumin said, sniffing. Then her lip curled in a snarl. "That bastard still hasn't confessed to me! Ugh, I don't know how to properly motivate him!"

"N-no boy has asked me out," Yunyun said miserably.

"That's because to have a boyfriend, you have to have a friend first," Megumin huffed. Then she brightened, as Luna brought over their steaming bowls of hot vegetable soup.

"I put a little manatite in yours, Megumin," Luna said. "So you can walk home. Thanks for killing that White Fang. The farmers will sleep easier tonight."

Megumin was able to walk on her own after their hearty meal thanks to getting enough MP back. She bid Yunyun farewell, then turned and hurried back home, bidding Yunyun farewell as she went back to her boarding house. When Megumin arrived back at the mansion, she kicked the door in, sending it banging against the wall.

"Hey, how was it?" Kazuma asked, not looking up from the magazine he was reading. He and Aqua were sitting underneath their kotatsu, both of them reading, Kazuma from some trashy magazine with pictures of scantily clad succubi on it, and Aqua from a children's picture book. Normally, Megumin would have been incensed that her almost-boyfriend was reading a girly mag (especially one with girls that had much bigger boobs than her) but she had other priorities at the moment.

"GET UP! THIS IS AN EMERGENCY! DARKNESS! DARKNESS GET DOWN HERE!" Megumin thundered. "WE HAVE TO ACT IMMEDIATELY!"

"Ahhhh! What's wrong!" Aqua wailed, dropping her book and jerking upright. Despite it being mid-afternoon, she was still in her pajamas with her hair loose and undone, and she looked about wildly, thinking something was on fire.

"What is it?" Darkness asked, looking in from the kitchen. Unlike the other two, she was dressed in her casual clothes, and had a bit of half melted snow in her hair, apparently having just come in from her three times daily exercise routine. "Is there a monster attack?"

"This is far more dire than that," Megumin declared. She snatched the magazine out of Kazuma's hands and began ripping it to shreds, which finally got him to stand up.

"HEY! Do you know what I had to give Dust for that?!" Kazuma demanded. "That's a precious foreign import!"

"Hmph. You wouldn't need it if you'd act properly. You live in a house with three beautiful women, and you look at pictures of half naked demons? You are a worthless layabout," Megumin huffed.

"Wait, those were demons? YOU SAID THEY WERE COSPLAYERS!" Aqua snarled, grabbing Kazuma and shaking him roughly as Megumin finished turning the magazine into confetti.

"Please, Megumin, what is the matter?" Darkness asked, coming over and looking jealously at Kazuma as Aqua continued to berate him.

"Knock it off you too! This is important! Darkness! Can you get more of that marbled red crab?" Megumin demanded.

"Well, yes, I suppose I could send for more, why?" Darkness asked, looking confused as Aqua stopped and perked up at the mention of expensive seafood.

"No reason. I have set aside some funds for emergencies. I shall give you enough for…" Megumin stopped, counting on her hands and muttering under her breath for a moment. She looked up at Kazuma and frowned. "Could Dust behave himself at a dinner party?"

"No," Kazuma said immediately.

Megumin sighed. "Then we'll have to invite Rin too. I suppose she gets along with Yunyun."

"Rin has commented that she much admires Yunyun's skill at magic," Darkness agreed. "But what does this have to do with marbled red crab?"

"Or this supposed emergency?" Kazuma asked, folding his arms over his chest and glaring at Megumin.

"It's vitally important that we have enough…hmmm, best make it twenty people, just to be safe," Megumin said, nodding in satisfaction. "We shall also require cheddar biscuits and coleslaw to go with it, along with drinks. Yunyun is fond of lemonade, because it is sour and bitter and reminds her that she is a friendless loser that no one likes."

"Huh? What does this have to do with Yunyun?" Kazuma asked, looking rather baffled.

"Yunyun's not a friendless loser, we're her friends!" Aqua said enthusiastically. "I like a big dinner party! Wow, we're really going to have twenty people? I can plan some party tricks!"

"Yes, we will require entertainment and a variety of party favors and games," Megumin said, nodding. "But that is Kazuma's job. Yunyun enjoys the weird games and activities he comes up with from Japan, which by the way, I have not been able to find on a map."

"Now wait just one minute, when did I agree to all this work!?" Kazuma demanded. "You walk in here and start barking orders like I'm your slave! Well, I expect to be compensated, and I-"

"Iris will be attending as well. I shall write her a missive informing her that her presence is required for the evening. You wouldn't miss a chance to show your 'darling little sister' some new weird games from your homeland, would you?" Megumin asked.

"I'll get started right away. I'll just go see Vanir and get him to help me with the materials," Kazuma said, saluting.

"I want to do fun party games too," Aqua pouted.

"No. Your job is to decorate," Megumin said firmly. "I require a variety of festive banners, mostly in yellow, as that is Yunyun's favorite color. Make sure they have proper red highlights though to emphasize her heritage. I shall accompany you on a shopping trip to obtain the requisite materials. We depart immediately."

"A shopping trip!?" Aqua gasped, clapping her hands in excitement. "I'll get changed!" She ran off to her room, while Kazuma shuffled off to get his coat and put on his shoes.

"Is it Yunyun's birthday?" Darkness asked, smiling at Megumin. "Are we throwing her a surprise party since you're her best friend?"

"NO!" Megumin snapped, sticking her finger in Darkness's face and making the taller woman flinch back. "I am NOT Yunyun's friend, and especially not her best friend! Nor is she mine! And it is CERTAINLY not her birthday, because Yunyun's birthday is on a Leap Year and thus she will HAVE no birthday this year. If anything, this is her UN-birthday. And she is only coming because…um, er…BECAUSE I WANTED TO EAT MARBLED RED CRAB AND SHOW HER I HAVE MORE FRIENDS THAN SHE DOES!"

Darkness was fighting back a smile during the whole tirade, but she nodded at the end. "I see. Well, since it's not Yunyun's birthday, should I make sure not to acquire a present for her?"

"Yes. Do not under any circumstances get Yunyun a present," Megumin huffed. She paused, then added, "She uses Clarine's tailoring shop, so she'd have Yunyun's measurements. She could use a proper winter jacket. Her oversized milk jugs were half frostbitten by the time we got back today."

"I see. Well, I'll make sure not to go visit Clarine and order her a new jacket. She'd look nice with a white fur trim on a yellow jacket, don't you think?"

"No, she's always ugly, just like you because of those oversized udders you call breasts," Megumin huffed, turning away. "KAZUMA! KAZUMA!"

"Yeah, it's me, what?!"

"Don't buy Yunyun's present at Wiz's shop. She absolutely would hate a new weird magic item."

"Fine, I wasn't planning on it."

"Kazuma, a word," Darkness said, hurrying over and holding a whispered conversation with Kazuma.

"Oh, well, how was I supposed to know it was her birthday?" Kazuma said after Darkness had hastily explained the situation.

"IT ISN'T! AND MAKE SURE YOU DO A GOOD JOB WRAPPING HER PRESENT YOU STUPID NEET, OR BETTER YET HAVE AQUA DO IT BECAUSE YOURS IS ALWAYS MESSY!"

"Sheesh, fine. I hate wrapping presents anyway," Kazuma grumbled, putting on his cloak and heading off into the cold.

Megumin hastily wrote several letters to members of the Crimson Demon Village, a few people she knew around Axel, and a missive to the Royal Palace in Belzerg City. Chomusuke helpfully breathed fire onto the sealing wax for Megumin, and she stamped each of the letters with the seal then tied them in a bundle, finishing just as Aqua came down in her tall white hat and winter coat.

"I'm ready to go shopping! I have a list of things we'll need!" Aqua said excitedly. "I heard it was Yunyun's birthday from all the yelling, so-"

"IT IS NOT YUNYUN'S BIRTHDAY!" Megumin ranted. "You are under no circumstances to make a banner that says Happy Birthday Yunyun, nor decorate the house for a birthday celebration!"

Aqua's brow furrowed, and she looked utterly perplexed. "Huh? But I thought-"

"Aqua, one moment," Darkness said. Megumin went to where she couldn't hear and pretended to examine the clock for a moment while Darkness explained things to Aqua.

"But, if it's a surprise to Megumin, why is she planning it?" Aqua asked at the end.

"She's a teenager. They're just like that," Darkness told Aqua, despite the fact that she was 19 herself and thus in no position to comment on such things in Megumin's opinion.

"Are we going or not?" Megumin demanded, turning around and glaring at Aqua.

Aqua seemed confused, until Darkness gave her a little push. "Just get the things Megumin tells you to, Aqua."

"Oh, alright! I already spent my allowance from Kazuma for the week though…"

"That's OK, I broke into his room and stole your portion of our last quest reward earlier. I was going to spend it on a new robe but this is an emergency," Megumin explained as she and Aqua walked back towards town.

After dropping off the letters at the post office and paying the expedited fee for same day teleportation post (which she got a discount on when she claimed that it was a 'matter of national security that required the immediate attention of both the royal palace and the chief of the Crimson Demon Clan') Megumin and Aqua spent a few hours buying some fabric, paint, paper, and other various knickknacks Aqua would need to make the banners and party favors. They also bought some tasteful jewelry that Megumin refused to let Aqua see, before Megumin bullied a very confused Aqua into buying a large stuffed bear.

"But why can't I keep Sir Bearington?" Aqua whined as they walked through a back alley in the shadier party of Axel, the massive stuffed bear being hauled by Aqua through the half frozen sludge of the churned street.

"Because you're not going to give it to Yunyun for her birthday!" Megumin snapped.

"Well if I'm not giving it to her then I should get to keep it," Aqua grumbled as they made their way into a familiar shop.

As soon as they were inside, Aqua set down Sir Bearington and shouted, "WIZ I'M COLD I WANT TEA!"

"Oh, hello you two!" Wiz said, bustling over and smiling brightly. "Are you looking for Kazuma? He's out back with Vanir working on a little project the two of them brewed up."

"No, I need you," Megumin declared. "Though we're leaving these bags for Kazuma to carry back to the mansion when he's done, they're too heavy."

"I want to keep Sir Bearington though!" Aqua wailed, hugging the overstuffed toy and sniffling.

"HE'S NOT FOR YOU, YOU PICKED IT OUT BECAUSE YOU SAID YUNYUN WOULD LIKE IT"! Megumin raged, smacking Aqua on the arm and making her drop the giant bear.

"But you said I can't give it to Yunyun because it isn't her birthday!" Aqua cried, her tears splattering onto Wiz.

"EEEEEEE!" Wiz screamed, jerking away as her skin hissed and steamed at the contact from the holy water.

Aqua immediately stopped, looking sorry. "Oh, um…I didn't mean to…even if you are a lich…"

"You just stay here," Megumin ordered, dragging Wiz away. "I have something for her to do. I'll be back with the tea."

"Megumin, what's all this about it not being Yunyun's birthday?" Wiz asked, gasping for breath as she was hauled away.

"Look, Yunyun's birthday is on February 29th," Megumin explained.

Wiz immediately brightened, despite still being in obvious pain. "Oh! It's the 26th! That means we should celebrate her birthday on the 28th, since it's not a leap year. Unless she'd rather have a party on March 1st?"

"No! She doesn't get to have a birthday because she's a friendless loser!" Megumin declared, stamping her foot. "This is COMPLETELY unrelated!"

"Oh…" Wiz blinked, looking as baffled as her equally dimwitted mortal enemy/best friend Aqua.

"Yunyun likes Strawberry cake," Megumin explained. "A large one. And not a cake that is strawberry flavored! Yunyun says she likes strawberry cake, but I've seen her pick desserts. What she really wants is a large yellow cake, with strawberries and whipped cream for frosting. Make it multilayered, and decorate it nicely. She really likes it when the food is aesthetic and pleasing to the eye as well as the tongue."

"Oh! I see…but why are you telling me this?" Wiz asked, rubbing her hand, which still had angry red marks from where Aqua's tears had fallen.

"Ugh, you can't cook like that." Megumin stuck her head out the back of the shop, where she spied Kazuma and Vanir constructing some sort of wooden frame that had holes cut into part of it and "skeeball" stenciled on the upper part. "KAZUMA! Get in here! I need you."

"I mean I'm down for a quickie but we're sort of in the middle of something," Kazuma said, setting down his hammer and saw.

"Not like that, you pervert! Besides, I told you I'm not sleeping with you until you PROPERLY confess to me!"

"Man defeats the Devil King and all he gets is a kiss, not even a handjob" Kazuma grumbled, stomping over. "What?"

"Wiz, drain him real quick so you're healthy," Megumin ordered. "And we would have gone all the way if you didn't chicken out again."

"I had JUST DIED! And what's this about- oh. Did Aqua cry on you again, Wiz? Sheesh, she really should have just gone back to heaven."

"She says she still has vacation days," Wiz sniffled. She hesitantly took Kazuma's hand. "You don't mind?"

"Sure, I may as well let one woman suck me off if the other won't," Kazuma deadpanned, dodging Megumin's slap with a lazy lean to the side.

"Pervert. Just do it fast Wiz, you've got a lot of baking to do," Megumin ordered.

After Wiz had drained enough life out of Kazuma that her hand healed, Megumin gave her not-a-boyfriend a quick kiss. "Thanks, love you. Now hurry up with those party games, they have to be ready by the day after tomorrow."

"Sheesh, fine. You'd think I'd get more respect around here," Kazuma said, sighing and pinching Megumin's rear end.

She let him. Blushing, she hoped Kazuma didn't notice she rather liked it when he was more assertive with her. Really, if he'd just sneak into her room one night…but not tonight. Megumin had a lot of work to do.

After explaining to Wiz again that she was NOT baking a cake for Yunyun's birthday party, but because Megumin had simply decided that she wanted to have a huge cake for the dinner party she was randomly throwing for all of HER friends (not Yunyun's) and that under no circumstances was the cake to have "Happy 15th Birthday Yunyun'' written on it OR have exactly fifteen candles on it, Megumin departed. It had taken much longer to convince Wiz exactly how to make the cake for Yunyun, and get her to understand exactly how the cake should look.

But she'd gotten it in the end, so maybe Wiz actually was smarter than Aqua. She even seemed to understand she wasn't to bake a special set of her almond roca that Yunyun loved so much as a present. Because that would be dumb, as it wasn't Yunyun's birthday and no one was going to get her any presents.

It was getting late at that point, so Megumin went home and had a quick dinner, before staying up late and wrapping the jewelry she had gotten. The matching friendship bracelets were obviously for herself, but she felt like making sure the wrapping was especially nice and crisp, and the bow well tied. She definitely didn't fret over the card she tucked into the box, because she didn't make one, because that was the sort of thing you'd do for a friend on their birthday and none of those were happening any time soon.

The next day, Megumin went around Axel and delivered what definitely wasn't a party invitation to Dust and Rin. Dust seemed utterly confused by the concept, but Rin laughed and accepted hers. "We'll be there! And we will both make sure not to get Yunyun a present, or tell her about the surprise party you aren't having."

"Good, I'm glad someone finally understands," Megumin grumbled. "See you tomorrow afternoon then."

"What, why?" Dust asked, confused. "She just said NOT to come to her house tomorrow!"

"You just don't understand women, Dust," Rin sighed. "Now come on. We'll get Faitifore a new dress to wear to the party and pick out a present."

"But you two just spent ten minutes telling me there ISN'T going to be a party!" Dust cried, throwing his hands up in frustration. "So why do we need to get my dragon a new dress!?"

"Because she's basically our daughter and she'd look adorable in a new dress, don't you think?"

"I mean sure, but why do we have to do it now?" Dust grumbled. "I was going to go to the bar and see if there was a game going on…wait, did you say 'our' daughter?"

"Yes. I've decided that girl needs a good mother, so I expect you to propose in the next month or so. Make sure it's a surprise, I've left a note on the ring you should get at the jeweler," Rin informed Dust as she took his arm and let him away.

"I just don't understand women," Dust sobbed. Then he perked up. "Wait, if we're getting married, does that mean-"

Megumin hurried off before she could hear the rest of the conversation. Rin was a nice girl, but Megumin truly could not understand her taste in men. How could a nice girl like Rin fall for such an obvious buffoon and hopeless lech like Dust? There was just no explaining some girl's taste in men, Megumin supposed.

Chapter Text

After leaving a letter in Chris' mailbox, the thief was never around these days, Megumin spent the rest of the day helping Aqua with the party preparation, checking on Kazuma's progress with the games, making sure Wiz got the cake right, and figuring out the catering with Darkness. She even had time to check in on Yunyun, and have their daily competition.

"It's not fair, you're a higher level then me," Yunyun panted, her arm flat on the table after Megumin had once more defeated her at arm wrestling.

"That's because I got a massive level boost from blowing up the entirety of the Devil King's army with all that lovely manatite Kazuma got me, proving the superiority of Explosion magic once and for all by single handedly defeating the Devil King's army!" Megumin cackled.

"I was there too, you know," Yunyun grumbled. "I had to protect you once the manatite ran out and the rest of the army attacked."

"I suppose." Megumin paused, thinking of something. There had been someone else with them at that final battle. "Yunyun, hypothetically, would you consider that guy with the cursed sword to be a friend?"

"You mean Sir Mitsurugi?" Yunyun asked, frowning as she massaged her arm.

"Yes, him," Megumin agreed, wincing and flexing. She'd have to start level grinding again: Yunyun was getting stronger by the day and it wasn't fair that she was so much more naturally physically talented than her. It was probably all those years where Megumin had skipped PE and Yunyun had been dumb enough to actually exercise. Levels and stats could only let you cheat for so long.

"Well…" Yunyun blushed and looked down. "I suppose if no one else were around to be my friend…I'd probably try and talk to Fio or Clemea instead."

That took Megumin aback. "Who?"

"You know, the two girls who go around with Mitsurugi?" Yunyun prompted. "They're always together."

"I just called them Thing 1 and Thing 2 like Kazuma does," Megumin admitted. "How they can stand the creep, I don't know."

"Yeah, he got them both pregnant. They were talking about murdering him or each other, but for some reason he was able to talk them down," Yunyun sighed. "They're both still convinced he's going to pick one of them…"

"If Kazuma ever tried that, I would castrate him myself, then turn Darkness into a toad or something," Megumin said with conviction.

"You know he's head over heels for you, Megumin. H-he's a jerk, but, um, well…so are you. I don't think he'll cheat on you."

"YOU TAKE THAT BACK! I AM NOT A JERK!" Megumin snarled, and jumped across the table and put Yunyun into an arm bar. Iris and Darkness were good friends: Both of them had shown Megumin all sorts of interesting ways to hurt people.

"Be at the mansion tomorrow at 4pm," Megumin stated, letting the whimpering Yunyun up after she'd apologized and admitted Megumin wasn't a jerk.

"O-oh! Are…are we going to celebrate my birthday?" Yunyun asked hopefully.

"No, don't be dumb. We'll just have our daily competition. Maybe I'll let you stay and hang out for a little while before you go home. If you're nice, you can stay for dinner," Megimin informed her.

"Oh, well…a nice dinner with friends is good too," Yunyun sighed, and they parted ways.

Megumin should have reminded Yunyun they weren't friends, but she was too busy thinking of all the things she had to do for her best friend's birthday party the next day, and had forgotten.

The day of the party dawned cold but clear, and Megumin spent most of the day in the kitchen with Darkness, cooking up a storm. Everything had to be just perfect, and she didn't really trust the rich girl to know how to cook properly. Still, things seemed to turn out acceptably, even though Megumin had to duck out to check on Kazuma setting up the party games, or Aqua setting the table and finishing up the decorations.

"Don't worry, everything will be great for Yunyun's birthday!" Aqua said, leaning over on her ladder as she hung up the giant banner. It was decorated with red and yellow flowers along the border, and had a chibi drawing of a smiling Yunyun at the center. It read "HAPPY BIRTHDAY YUNYUN'' in carefully formed letters.

"Hmph. You got the banner wrong, it's not her birthday," Megumin snorted. Before Aqua could tear down the banner in frustration, she added, "Good work, get it hung up and ready. The guests will start arriving soon."

At precisely 2pm, a floating carriage pulled by a full team of lizard runners in royal regalia pulled up to the mansion. A tall woman with short blonde hair, save for a lock dyed purple, jumped out, holding the door open, then helping down the occupant.

"I don't see why we are here, your Royal Highness," Claire muttered as the Princess of Belzerg exited the carriage. "Whatever that insufferable man needed, we could have summoned him to the castle. Where he can be properly supervised."

"It's not for Kazuma that we have come, Claire, but rather for another dear friend," Iris said, stepping dainty down, one hand clutching her skirts. She spotted Megumin and Kazuma, who were waiting for her atop the steps.

"Whatup Boss and Big Bro! Iris in the hizouse! We gonna rock this joint for our homies B-Day Bash! This party will be totally poggies!"

Claire groaned, putting her head in her hands. "Lady Iris, please do not talk in such a manner…"

"Yo, chillax Suit," Kazuma said, grinning smugly at Claire. "We'll keep it on the downlow."

"I tots got some special drip for the party," Iris said as another woman exited the carriage, giving Claire a pat on the shoulders. "Yo, Rain! Hit me up with my new threads!"

"Of course, Lady Iris," Rain said, handing a bundle of clothing to Iris.

"That ain't my handle tonight. I just Alice, the chillest Dawg in Axel. Right boss?"

"Of course, my sister in thieving," Megumin agreed. "Tonight, you shall be incognito!"

"Why? Why has my adorable princess been so corrupted?" Claire sobbed.

"Just scram you two," Kazuma said, making a shooing motion.

"No!" Megumin slapped down Kazuma's hand, glaring at him. "Yunyun considers Claire and Rain to be her friends as well, so they're also invited!"

"Yeah, just make like a bread truck with the carriage," Iris ordered.

Claire looked up, confused. "Make like a bread truck? What does that even mean?"

Iris paused. "Uh…" She turned to Kazuma. "Um, Big Bro, what does 'make like a bread truck' mean? I know it means to depart with haste, but…from whence does this metaphor originate?"

"You know, because of what a bread truck does," Kazuma said, a wide grin spreading over his face.

"Supply the army with provisions?" Iris asked, clearly confused.

"Deliver from the bakery?" Claire guessed.

Megumin sighed. "Something gross."

Kazuma's grin reached maximum smugness. "Haul buns."

Megumin and Iris both burst out giggling, while Claire gasped. "YOU PERVERT! HOW DARE YOU CORRUPT HER MAJESTY! LET GO OF ME, RAIN! I'LL DO IT THIS TIME! I'LL ACTUALLY KILL THAT SICK BASTARD!"

"Claire!" Iris gasped, putting a hand to her lips. "How could you use such coarse language?"

Claire looked horrified, then went beat red. She hastily directed the carriage to the stables, looking utterly ashamed, to the point that she scrambled up and retreated in disarray with the driver.

"Oh dear. I suppose I'd best sort her out before the party," Rain sighed. She brightened. "We brought several packages! Where should I put the presents?"

"There are no presents, because Yunyun ISN'T having a birthday!" Megumin declared angrily.

"Put all the presents in the guest bedroom, we'll bring them out after dinner," Kazuma explained.

"Er…very well." Rain trotted off to calm Claire down, while Iris and Megumin dissolved into more giggles.

"Did you see her face?" Megumin laughed, shaking her head.

Iris scrunched her face up in horror. "She realized what she had done, and then it was like YEET and flew away!"

A few minutes later, Arue, Nerimaki, Dodonko, and Funifura arrived, along with Komekko who was bundled up in a miniature version of Megumin's Snow Gremlin outfit, though hers was black, just like Komekko's heart.

"BIG SIS!" Komekko shrieked when they got close, breaking away from the group and sprinting up the steps.

Megumin hugged her sister close, smiling down at her. "You're getting bigger every day."

"Yep! Thanks to all that money ya got from killin' the Devil King, I get lots of food now!" Komekko said happily. She poked Megumin's belly, frowning. "Are you getting fat too?"

"I am eating adequately, do not fear," Megumin assured Komekko.

Komekko shook her head. "No, I mean, did ya get a baby in your belly yet?"

"Komekko!" Megumin cried in strangled tones, going beat red. "I-I am not-"

"She's probably on the potion," Funifura said as the others climbed up the steps.

Dodonko shook her head. "Nah, she's just not gone all the way yet. I told you, she has to have better taste in men than THAT."

"Nah, she's just finally confessed her feelings for Yunyun, or will during her birthday party!" Nerimaki said excitedly.

"No! Kazuma and I are- WE ARE THAT CLOSE! I just…I'm not pregnant, OK Komekko?!" Megumin snapped.

"'Kay. I wanna be the big sis soon so hurry it up OK?" Komekko said.

"Mother put you up to this, didn't she?" Megumin said darkly.

"Uh huh. I like Kazuma but I think it would be icky to have a baby in your belly," Komekko said. "Where's the food?"

"There's tea and snacks inside, but don't spoil your appetite, we're having dinner soon," Megumin ordered.

"YAY!" Komekko ran inside with the other girls, but Arue paused.

"I must interview you soon," Arue said, drawing out a long brush and taking out her notebook. "I shall chronicle the tale of the daring Crimson Demon girl who took down the Devil King."

Megumin brightened at that. "Yes, I can tell you of my heroic exploits, and how my Mastery of Explosion Magic allowed me to-"

"And of course, the tempestuous love triangle between yourself, Sir Kauzma, and Lady Darkness. Tell me, does he take you one at a time, or both at the same time? Do you and she ever lie together as passionate lovers as well, or-"

"RAAAGHHH!" Megumin seized the notebook and brush, and tossed both into a snowback. Arue danced away as Megumin tried to kick her in the shins. "If you weren't Yunyun's friend, and if it wasn't not her birthday, I would murder you then send you home, you filthy minded slanderer!"

"I do not speak slander!" Arue declared. "Besides, it's in print, so-"

"So help me, if you tell me it's libel not slander because it's print, I will blow up your house."

"Could you? I've been thinking of redecorating, and to have my house destroyed in such a glorious fashion by the woman who defeated the Devil King would be quite novel," Arue mused.

Megumin stopped trying to kick her old school friend in the shins. "Sure, want me to come by next week Thursday?"

"Yes, I'll have some manatite, a few others would like to redecorate for the spring as well, and it would be a much more dramatic backstory to have you blow it up than to do it ourselves."

After that, Wiz and Vanir arrived, a dozen little dolls bearing a massive covered cake.

"Why hello there, young lady who is perpetually sexually frustrated because she wears the pants in her relationship but wishes her lazy pervert of a man to take charge, despite him being nothing but an out of work wastrel," Vanir called, bowing to Megumin.

"I haven't done my Explosion for the day," Megumin said in dire tones. "I could blow you up myself."

"Ah, but then, you would ruin this fine cake, would you not?" Vanir cackled. "And the pathetic shopkeeper who labored over this instead of her own business would be so pained to see her creation so desecrated."

"I'll take it to the kitchen, Megumin," Wiz said, smiling. "Oh, hello, Aqua."

"SACRED-" Aqua began, pointing a finger at Vanir.

"Stop it!" Megumin said, grabbing Aqua and clamping a hand over her mouth. "Not while his golems are carrying the cake!"

"Hmph. I knew something smelled rotten," Aqua growled. "You're not letting a filthy demon like that into the party, are you?"

"Yunyun thinks he's her buddy or something because she works at his dumb store," Megumin grumbled. "So he's not invited because this isn't her birthday party."

"MWAHAHAAH! Oh, such wonderful confused emotions! Such exquisite despair! Surely, adolescence is the time when humans produce the most succulent of fruit!" Vanir cackled. He leaned in close as the cake tray was carried off by Wiz and the golems. "Tell me, O girl who's temper is even more explosive than the gag magic she uses: do the others still know thou art still a maiden?"

"Wiz, grab the cake," Megumin said, letting Aqua go. "Aqua?"

"Yes?" Aqua asked, glaring daggers at Vanir, who was hooting and spriting off into the mansion.

"Sic 'em."

"GOD BLOW!"

"OH-HO-HO-HO! Too slow, O annoying goddess of party favors and diseased minds! Can you even cast a simple spell?"

"SACRED EXORCISM! GOD BLOW! SACRED CREATE-"

"DAMMIT AQUA NOT IN THE HOUSE!" Kazuma shouted from off in the back.

A short time later, another Crimson Demon strolled up to the mansion, whistling and bearing a brightly wrapped gift. He spied Megumin and waved, hurrying up the steps.

"Why if it isn't the Legendary Hero!" Hiropon, current Chief of the Crimson Demon Clan, laughed. "Thanks for organizing a special party for Yunyun, and reminding me."

"You forget every year," Megumin growled, clenching her fists. "How could you? She's your only daughter."

Hiropon's expression fell, and he sighed. "Yes, well…you kept me out of the bottle this year. After all it's also…"

"Oh." Megumin flinched. "I can…see why you'd be so forgetful. Did you…?"

"Earlier today," Hiropon said quietly, wiping away a tear. "Both of us did." He put a hand on Megumin's shoulder. "Thank you. She could use a friend or two today."

"Yes sir," Megumin said with a nod. "I'll make sure it's a good birthday. Even if it isn't, because it's not a leap year."

"Ha ha! I'll make sure to tease her because she's only three and three quarters still! I'll just pop inside."

Hiropon swaggered off, and Megumin ducked into the kitchen, where Darkness and Wiz were working together to put the last touches on the meal.

"Is it time?" Darkness asked, wiping her hands on her apron. She had on a white one over her black bodysuit, with her hair tied up in a tight bun.

"Go get changed, but not yet. Just…keep Hiropon away from the booze, alright?" Megumin said quietly.

"Oh? Whatever for?" Wiz asked, coming over.

"It's personal," Megumin sniffed. "Just…don't let him drink more than a glass or two at dinner. Yunyun either."

"Very well, I trust you," Darkness agreed, reaching up and letting her hair loose. Megumin glared. She could have had long beautiful hair like that if she wanted, it was just too much of a bother. "I'll just go change into my party dress."

"I'll set the rest of the things out, you go get her dear," Wiz assured Megumin.

Megumin passed Dust, Rin, and Faitfor on the way in, the last of the invited guests.

"Hi Megumin," Faitfor said shyly, hiding behind Dust. "Um, is it OK if I'm here? People don't usually like dragons at parties…"

"Crimson Demons are not dull and pedestrian. We enjoy having real dragons at our celebrations," Megumin said. Though she didn't mention it was usually as target practice, not as a guest. "Besides, you do look cute in that new dress, and Komekko could use someone her own age to play with."

"OK!" Faitfor said happily, and skipped inside.

"You know she's like, a hundred years old or something, right?" Dust asked as Megumin left.

"Hush, she's the perfect age to play with Komekko," Rin said. "Going to get Yunyun?'

"Yes, tell everyone to hide and turn the lights off," Megumin ordered. "Since this isn't a birthday party."

"Are you still on that?" Dust demanded. "Look, I don't get it. Is this a party or not?! Because if it isn't, I'm going back to the guild to drink and-"

"Hush, Dust. We'll let them know, Megumin," Rin assured.

Megumin hurried across town, and caught Yunyun just as she was leaving her boarding house. She was dressed up more than usual, in a pink, furlined dress with a matching coat. "M-Meguin? Oh no, i-is the dinner canceled?"

"No, I was just coming to make sure you're not late," Megumin huffed. "Now come on. I'm hungry."

"Oh…should we have our contest here instead?" Yunyun asked timidly. "I don't want to be a bother…"

"No." Megumin took Yunyun's hand, making the other girl blush. "Don't get any ideas, I have a boyfriend."

"Um, I know, I just…"

"Good. I didn't want you to be alone today," Megumin said. The two of them set off, the sky dimming overhead as the short winter day drew to a close.

They walked in silence for a few minutes, until Yunyun whispered, "Thank you…even if…even if we aren't friends."

"We're not. But…I wouldn't leave even my enemy alone on the anniversary of her mother's death," Megumin said, giving Yunyun's hand a squeeze.

Yunyun gave her a sad smile. "Thanks. It's…it's more my dad that's sad, though. I'm just glad he wasn't drinking today when we visited her grave…"

Megumin nodded, and they walked quietly for a little while longer. At last she asked, "You don't miss her?"

"How could I? I never knew her," Yunyun said quietly. "She died the same day I was born."

Feeling her throat tighten, Megumin just nodded. They walked for several minutes, until they got close to the mansion. Then, Megumin let go of Yunyun's hand, and covered her eyes.

"M-Megumin!" Yunyun gasped. "What are you doing!?"

"Hush. Just walk forward. Don't peek," Megumin ordered.

"What, why!?"

"It's part of our contest for the day. If you fail, you forfeit your dessert."

"Oh. Ok…I had hoped…"

"What!? What did you hope!?"

"Nothing…"

Megumin guided Yunyun up the stairs, past the second giant banner Aqua had draped, showing a smiling Megumin and Yunyun with party hats on that said "WELCOME FRIENDS AND PARTY GUESTS."

Stupid useless goddess. Ruining Megumin's plan. This wasn't some stupid surprise party. This was just an accidental gathering of people that happened to take place today.

"Alright," Megumin growled once they were inside. "You need to understand something before I take away my eyes."

"What?" Yunyun asked.

"It's not your birthday."

"I-I know…only on leap years…"

"This isn't a birthday party."

"Huh?"

"Are you ready, Aqua?"

"Ready!" Aqua said excitedly, hurrying over and putting a hat on Megumin's head, then scampering back to her spot.

"Very well. On three."

"Megumin? What's happening?" Yunyun asked nervously.

"One."

"M-Megumin! Don't use Explosion, I-I don't want to get my dress dirty!"

"A true Crimson Demon is ready to Explode at any time! Two."

"B-but we're inside! Don't blow up your house!"

"Fool, this is just a rental. Besides, I could just make you summon a golem to rebuild it. Now remember, we're not friends, and this isn't a party."

"What?"

"THREE!"

Megumin removed her hands and lept back, and everyone pulled their party poppers at once, spraying the air with confetti.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY YUNYUN!" Everyone shouted.

Yunyun just stood there, blinking as the confetti floated down through the air, everyone she knew and loved grinning at her.

"Yunyun? Are you OK?" Aqua asked, holding out a party hat. "I got one for you too…"

In response, Yunyun sank to her knees, and started bawling uncontrollably, hiding her face in her hands as she shook with sobs.

Everyone crowded around, until Megumin slapped at them and shouted, "EVERYONE BACK! GO TO THE DINING ROOM! EVERYONE BUT HIROPON! OUT, OUT!"

"N-no, it's ok," Yunyun stammered, struggling to her feet with her fathers help. She dabbed at her eyes with the hankie that Iris handed her, the princess looking concerned. "I just…I just…I'm so happy…I've never…I've never had a birthday before."

"Well you're not getting one now," Megumin huffed. "These idiots just all happened to come here at the same time. I guess we'll have to feed them."

Yunyun blinked, then switched from crying to hysterical laughter. She threw her arms about Megumin, clinging to her friend and laughing until she cried.

"Well, you don't have to make such a big deal out of it," Megumin grumbled. Then she hugged Yunyun back. "Happy Birthday, my best friend."

"Thank you. Thank you so much," Yunyun gasped, hiccuping between giggles.

"And if you ever tell ANYONE that we're friends, I'll kill you," Megumin hissed.

Yunyun stepped back, blowing her nose and wiping her eyes. "I wouldn't dream of it."

"Good." Megumin led Yunyun off to the dining room. "I'd hate for anyone to think I was actually friends with a friendless loser like you."

Yunyun sat down, looking around at all the grinning faces around her. She smiled. "Yeah…w-wouldn't want anyone to think that…"

Megumin smiled. "Good, glad we understand each other. Now, ready everyone? HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR YUNYUN~!"